The Luke and Pete Show - Scrotum FM

Episode Date: August 26, 2021

Happy Thursday everyone! The weekend is nearly upon us, and what better way to celebrate than with half an hour of chat from your two favourite reprobates? On today's show, as well as all the usual chutney about batteries, we've got an interesting legal loophole in the United States, the philosophy that underpins Wikipedia (quite literally), and news from Pete of a CIA spy device that really has to be heard to be believed.Don't go anywhere, keep it Luke and Pete. And to get further involved, it's [e-mail]! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's Thursday it is the Luke and Pete show boys batteries we do it every week for crying out loud and this week I have been promising

this Thursday rather I spoke about this on Monday I've been promising Luke Moore a little story about a testicle you have and I'm very

I can't believe I've had to wait so long to hear it. I'm bloody looking forward to it. So why don't you just take it away. People know what to expect by now. I doubt they would have just listened to this episode randomly at first, so they probably know what to expect. But I'm sure your capacity to surprise us will not let you down on this occasion. Surprise us, we'll not let you down on this occasion.

So in a specialised CIA museum in America, right, there's a whole host of, you know, bits and bobs, technological kind of what-notteries. A little bit like, remember I went to the Crime Museum and there was just a load of, like, stuff that, you know, ingenious little bits of electronics, bits uh tools that people have used to commit crimes um on a similar kick um the cia museum in america is basically a lot of different like hidden radios hidden uh sort of morse code devices and stuff like that the way that you know agents could talk to each other out in the field uh when were behind enemy lines, so to speak,

and the ingenious ways that they managed to hide poisoning devices, hide recording devices, stuff like that. The CIA made a fake scrotum, Luke. What? A big, beautiful fake scrotum that hid a radio. So basically, because knowing full well that the um sexually repressed uh men of uh any you know military organization do not want to necessarily get their hands around people's testicles and and and and and meat and two veg so to speak yeah um they thought well that's the perfect place in which to secrete a tiny little two-way radio.

So the CIA made a fake scrotum that fitted over the top of a presumably small, bald man, a small, bald agent, popped it over, a little kind of, you know, you put like markings or fake willies or whatever, you know, you pop it over the top of your scrotum glue it in place uh and when you get in search it just looks like i know i know i know the glue what glue is a little much in it i don't know some kind of like the sort of glue you'd use to put a fake mustache on i would say still i mean i wear a nasal strip to bed, right? Oh, do you now?

What, to reduce snoring? Yeah, it doesn't work. It doesn't work, right. And the adhesive on that is right on the limit of what my pain receptors on my nose will accept, right? Right, okay. I'm telling you now, I mean, again, apologies for this in advance. So if you're of sensitive disposition, just skip 30 seconds.

It would probably rip a nutsack apart. This is a more delicate operation than you are making it sound. To get a ball radio on. This is the thing I don't get as well. Male operatives are going to have a scrotum and women operatives won't have one so there's no place for this scrotum it's well male it goes i mean it would be confusing if you put it on a female operative i'll grant you that the questions would possibly be asked yes um the very idea of being a secret agent is that you're not drawing attention to yourself, right?

A woman with a scrotum and a man with two scrotums, they're red flags. They are instant red flags. You're supposed to be the grey man if you're a secret agent. You're supposed to be perfectly forgettable. Yeah, but I would say with the testicle. If it were me doing the investigation, all I'm saying is in the lineup to my colleagues, I would be saying, he's got two scrotums, let's have another look at him. Yeah, but if you're showing your balls off, male or female,

I would say that you're already under suspicion. You're no longer the grey man. True. They're looking for stuff. They are looking for stuff. And, yeah, apparently they just made this tiny little radio longer the grey man they're looking for stuff they are looking for stuff and um yeah apparently they they just made this tiny little radio to fit in a regular size scrotum although the scrotum itself i mean i've sent you the video it it doesn't look particularly like there's just too much too

much skin and not enough hair for me to be quite frank it doesn't it it's too pink it's too red it would have to be you know match the same color as the as the guy's uh jenna taylor i suppose it's it's all very confusing to be quite frank yeah it could be chafing though could be chafing could be chafing yeah i mean yeah i i why also i mean why do they need to do this like is what do you mean well i mean presumably it's a it's a it's a limitation of the technology that was available at the time. So the radio had to be a certain size to be secreted on the body. And they thought, okay, we could probably get away with it by popping it in the nutsack, right?

I think you'd be better off maybe almost like plastic surgery slash latexing it onto the side of a calf muscle. So it was like a a growth or something or a or a bump or a calcium you know calcium lump or whatever no but again that would be too obvious wouldn't it clearly would have been messed with it clearly it's it's too obvious like you've already got a testicle people are expecting to see testicles down there but again repressed secret service agents aren't going to want to be touching your junk

because oh someone might see and go oh we just touched a man's balls and we go yeah but I found a radio didn't I mate yeah I was touching your balls but they were playing the world service and I got confused they were giving us the shipping forecast is there any information about whether they're actually used or not

is it kind of a conceptual thing that happened very much a prototype and the whole situation was apparently problematic because they got a junior member of staff to walk in and just drop trow in in front of the CIA director and the CIA director was very

repressed good solid family man, and he was horrified, just walked out the room and it was never seen off again. So it just got stuck in the SAE museum, this unlovable little ball radio. But that's surely, for what they're going for, that's a ringing endorsement, isn't it?

Exactly. He doesn't want to get near it. But to be fair, if I could play devil's advocate from the say a director's perspective a man's just said yeah dave come in here and he's just got his balls out so i i would i would argue um i would i think that's exactly the way that i would probably play things if i was the director i like the c CIA director. I imagine he walks in, he goes, what the fuck's going on here?

And they start to talk and he says, and by the way, you're supposed to be working. Turn that radio off. And for that, don't email in. I know it's not supposed to be a transistor radio that you listen to. I get what it is. It just seems to me that it's a bit confused

and a little bit, dare I say, probably fuelled by a bit of suppression a little bit a few suppressed people around the office perhaps wants to see a man's bowls what I would say as well is that if you've ever taken any interest and I'm talking about

kind of the UK sort of side of things rather than the US side of things but if you've ever taken an interest in how spycraft was carried out in the UK throughout the 20th century, I wouldn't be surprised at all to hear that people with two, three, maybe even four scrotums got past the UK security services because they were... I mean, I've just finished reading a book by Ben McIntyre called Agent Sonia about a woman who was running a massive network of agents from some small house in a Cotswolds village in Surrey.

I can't remember the county, but in the Cotswolds. And she had a massive transmitter in a shed in her garden and no one noticed for about 15 years. about 15 years and i also would say if you've got any interest in this read the story about kim philby as well who basically kept getting rehired by the security services because he was a good old guy and went to cambridge and couldn't possibly be doing anything nefarious because he was one of us you know loved a smoking jacket and a glass of port so let's be honest he's never really going to be a spy it'll be fine and overlooked every single bit of problematic behavior across 20 years and he turned out to be the most valuable Russian asset in history

so trust me they ain't doing the best job anyway I think a rogue scrotum is not going to pass muster he's got 17 scrotums incredible what a good old boy well dear boy it's because I drink a lot of cognac

it's a hip flask dear boy can we talk about stuff can we talk about something you've popped in the old running order about the zone of death because that's interesting as well oh yeah yeah have we talked about this before yeah if you would well we've talked about before why have you put it in the running order you maniac no i said have we talked about it before because it sounds like it sounds like our absolute you know it sounds like our biofuel it sounds like the exact sort of thing we'd be talking about every single week if it's not been mentioned i just think the listeners have criminally um deserved us yeah so i think apologies if we have but if we haven't a long time ago and therefore it's legitimate to repeat it because we may have a different hot take on it

you never know um it's a zone of death what's called the zone of death in yellowstone uh national park and it's in idaho right and as a result of a loophole in the united states constitution someone could theoretically go to that specific part of yellowstone commit a serious crime and ultimately never be prosecuted for it now the reason for that as far as i understand it is that because it's a national park it's got federal jurisdiction right so it's not it's not so it's quite quite confusing i suppose to those who don't know and i hope i'm not getting this wrong i I don't think I am. But, for example, a murder is not a federal crime in the United States generally, okay? It's a state-level crime,

which is why you get death penalty in some parts of the United States and not a death penalty in other parts because it's done under state-level jurisdiction. But national parks are federal-level jurisdictions, which means they're nationally covered. And the Sixth Amendment of the United States Constitution says that anyone who's accused of a crime

is basically entitled to be tried before a jury consisting entirely of residents of the state and the district where the crime took place. Now, here's the kicker. Federal jurisdiction in this part of Idaho because it's a national park

no one lives there baby. So, if I took Here's the kicker. Federal jurisdiction in this part of Idaho, because it's a national park. No one lives there, baby. So if I took Pete there and murdered him and assuming I was a U.S. citizen, it probably wouldn't matter if I was a U.S. citizen or what. That's a different story. If I murdered Pete in that particular part of the United States, I couldn't really be prosecuted because there wouldn't there wouldn't be a amount of people available to sit on a jury to prosecute me now that's all well and good and i think that's worthy of discussion and it was discovered by some um law professor like as a constitutional loophole the problem is it's not mentioned in the story i think and listeners who know more about this than me can tell me but i think that you would... Technically, you'd be on remand for the rest of your life because you wouldn't get bailed for a murder, I don't think.

So therefore, you would just be stuck in remand prison, which I think is probably worse than normal prison anyway, and so it wouldn't be something you would advise people to do. So hang on, so you would actually go to some sort of incarceration? You couldn't just walk around free as a bird? Yeah, because if you've murdered someone and you're incredibly charged with it and you need to stand trial but there's no trial to happen, then you're in this

Kafkaesque kind of nightmare where you never actually sit trial. But you have to be somewhere and a lot of people sit on remand in prisons for years in the United States. I think probably in this country as well without actually facing trial because in the UK, for example, it might be because of lack of adequate funding for the court system or whatever.

So I think you still would be in a lot of trouble. Well, the thing that made me giggle about the whole kind of essay that he was writing in a law journal. And he was worried that this essay was going to get published and criminals might read the essay and commit a crime in the zone before the loophole was closed. But he instead sort of got hold of, he basically wrote a letter to the the government and have you know to have them close this loophole um and he wanted it to be part of the district court of the district of idaho etc etc but because of just how slow the the wheels the cogs of of of government and governance kind of go it's still not being closed in like 2006 2007 this was all published and it's still not being closed because people just keep knocking it, kicking the can down the road,

kicking the can down the road. No one's actually done any murdering in there, which is a good thing. Good on humanity for doing that. But if your mate is inviting you into the middle of Yellowstone Park for a get-together that you've never really sort of, you know, had a company picnic with them before

and it's just you and him or you and her i'd be worried to be quite frank because technically it's not necessarily murder if you do it in i i also don't think it would be possible to for a crime to be committed there without it being a massive coincidence for example if you took someone there under false pretenses or you you kidnapped them then you'd be busted for kidnapping and the kidnapping would be charged where it started from, right? You've got to travel from somewhere. So you're going to get fucked either way.

Have a treasure hunt. Pretend it's a treasure hunt, though. You can just pretend it's a treasure hunt. Apparently the only crime that I think's ever happened there was an illegal shooting of an elk in a different part of the park um but i don't think it ever really went anywhere um you know maybe that's sad because the elk deserved justice but

so so far nothing's happened i mean i guess this does serve as some kind of fairly large advertisement for it but um nevertheless i mean what it like what i like about it is it's almost like a real life version of that that stupid shit the bloke in the pub where he says about shooting a welshman with a crossbow on a sunday or whatever yeah or that weird bit between um egypt and sudan that's like just doesn't is not owned by either people just completely unclaimed and people keep on trying to claim it as uh you know a little micro nation or bear to will or those um divorced dads who have suddenly become obsessed with magna carta why is that didn't they try and seize the uh edinburgh castle uh yeah recently which given that magna carta never once covered scottish law ever anyway it's english law

is a even more of a stretch as normal but there's like a load of divorced dads who go around saying Magna Carta so they don't have to wear a mask or whatever. It's weird. Yeah, there's... Just say you miss your ex-wife. I miss them. I miss the kids. Yeah, it makes me giggle because in any other kind of subject, like idiots on the internet would not be challenged.

You know, you're just some fucking gasbags, chats on but like nowadays you'll get some pretty well read, pretty well researched you know, upstanding you know, brains on particular subjects on English common law and they will

and they'll weigh in on Twitter basically saying well this is why quoting the Magna Carta is... Like, you know, back in the day, you'd just be like, some idiot's quoting the Magna Carta. The guy's mad. I don't even engage in the substance of his argument.

In the same way that somebody posted up, some fucking random idiot just posted up a drawing on fucking WhatsApp or whatever of the pipeline, this kind of proposed pipeline between china and iran so like in the middle obviously afghanistan and obviously the chinese will be no doubt uh going in for the for the for the rare earth metals and the and the general debt uh kind of expansion of their empire that they do look to do when there's disputed

territories all that nonsense um of, they'll be getting involved, but this post is basically saying they're doing it right because there's a... I don't know why I'm doing that voice because I'm down in Essex now. That's my man on the street voice. Very rude,

very offensive to anyone who's got this accent. All right, I'll do my... I can't do my accent. How do I do my accent? Why am I... There we go.

He was basically saying in between like he basically just drew a line from uh through afghanistan from china uh into iran gone they're going to build this massive pipeline uh with you know so they can pump oil into iran it's good you know and have all the oil or sell all the oil etc etc on the gas um and then like loads of like really intelligent uh you know people who who know about stuff but with you know letters after their name sort of weighed in going well have you actually seen the topography of that part of afghanistan it's very hilly mate and there's

lots of like different warlords and tribes that would probably just blow it up and stuff it's like don't engage it's just a crazy person on twitter drawing a line through fucking afghanistan and going don't go be a big pipeline for you thank you i think i think that um like i think someone else said it like the other day it's incredible twitter's amazing for showing up those people who are experts on the war in Afghanistan, the detail of EU law, virology. They're amazing at it. Yeah, well, everyone's switched from that, haven't they?

There's a load of memes going around going, I'm actually also an expert in Afghanistan as well. Yeah. And if you know anything about academia, if you're nodding terms with academia, you know that when you get like, if you spend any time with like a professor or something, they're experts on such a narrow part of like a narrow subject.

Like I met one a while back who ultimately is essentially a professor of history, but his actual area of expertise is specifically thes response to natural disasters from like 1850 to the present day right that's how because because the subjects become too unmanageable you can't be a proper expert yeah in more than one narrow thing because you're a human being with limitations yeah on twitter everyone knows fucking everything all the time oh this guy's like uh oh um yes i'm a historian it's like what kind of sign it just houses what the bedouin people made in the 50s that's right their big thesis will be on you know will be on like i don't know you could be a professor in like some kind of i don't know like natural sciences but actually your thesis was about you know certain types of tree in a certain part of canada you know it's the it's

very very narrow but twitter is the opposite to that you know and a lot of people that's why a classic example would be the guy that you you mentioned a number of months ago who um i can't remember his name now but he's a comedian or a writer or something a comedy writer that's like his thing and he's been very good at that right but all of a sudden now he's an expert in trans rights and he's gone off to the deep end about it and he's lost his mind yeah graham linden the writer of father ted that's right that's it yeah but but he wasn't. He just said something. People complained, and he doubled down and made it his entire life.

Absolutely prying himself. Okay, so that's like a slightly different example then. But all I'm saying is it brings the worst out of people. Yes, it does. Before you know it, your intentions start off honourable, and before you know it, you're doing Twitter polls about Hitler versus Linda Lazzardi in a sword fight like we did on Monday

and it brings out the worst in you anyway 66% baby let's have a break and when we come back we'll do some battery brands and we'll also

go through a couple more emails as well Pete sound good to you? sounds good alright we're back with the Luke and Pete show if you want to get

in touch with the show it's simple as all hell hello at lukepeatshow.com if you'd like to get involved in our hot topic, you know, surveys of the day, head on over to our Twitter,

Luke and Pete Show. Actually, thinking about it, Luke, last week, you, for like 10 minutes, put on the Luke and Pete Show Twitter the classic Linda Lussardi on a pirate ship

fighting Hitler with a Cutlass and it was like 60% in Linda Lussardi's's favor that must mean there was only three people or six people or nine people because we're like a few few days hence so yeah um i'll give you an update right now if you like i just got to find it so as of now um linda's increased her um increased her lead to 68.9 oh Oh, well, there you go. That's a little bit more heartening.

Clearly more people have piled in. Yeah. So well done, Linda. How could you resist such a piece of content, you know? Congratulations. It's the time of the week where we do people's battery brands. For those who are unfamiliar with this tradition, we noticed at some point a few years ago

that you only get weird branded batteries when you buy electronics and we're trying to put together a database of every single one and we've had some belters and every thursday after the ad break we talk about the latest submissions from our friends who listen to the show and today is no exception raf has got in touch with some pear deer not a new player pete no mate when do we first encounter Pear Deer? We get them every few months, to be honest, I would say. Andre also wanted to make us aware of the Pear Deer industrial battery.

We're already way ahead of you there, Andre, so that's not a new player. But it's hard to find new players these days because we've done so many. But Andrew Burke has got in touch, excitingly, with a battery on email that appears to be a chimpanzee plus plus. Right? Right, okay. Now, I think that would be a new player. But sadly, Andrew didn't attach a photo. The email made out like he had, but I think he forgot. So for now, we're all on tenterhooks.

Potential new player in a Chimpanzee++. But we're going to need to see it, Andrew, so please get back in touch. Fantastic stuff. All right, emails. Yeah, I get the feeling that sort of Chimpanzee would have been like... Chimpanzee would have been a new player, but Chimpanzee++, definitely a new player, I would say.

But we need photographic evidence. I just hope they weren't thrown in the bin. Absolutely. Go on, Luke. No, you go ahead, man. I want you to do an email. Go for it. Alright. I was just piling in about philosophy. You know me.

I'm a big philosophy eagle, philosophy head. Hello, Luke and Pete. I've actually got the name for this one. Thank you for whoever got this in touch. But I just thought I'd share this interesting morsel of information. If you go to any Wikipedia page and continually click the first hot link in the body of the article and repeat this for every subsequent article, you will eventually end up at the page for philosophy. Now, I've tried this on several people in my life who have wikipedia pages and they're damn right it gets to philosophy in about seven or eight clicks the first hot link

on every page just click it a few times and you'll get back to philosophy because everything comes back to philosophy i've done it myself i did it earlier today yeah i started off because i've been super unimaginative. I typed in the word podcast into Wikipedia. Yes. Okay. Right. I clicked through and genuinely, I think it took me 15 clicks. I ended up going through because what it does is it kind of, at some point, it gives you

some kind of descriptor about something. Yes. Which then makes it quite matter of fact. Boils it all down. And then it's almost, it feels a bit like you drill down, drill down, drill down, and everything ultimately comes down to philosophy.

I actually find that pretty interesting. Yeah. It's pretty fascinating. It's pretty fascinating. Because no one's designed that, right? No one's purposely gone out of their way to make that the case. You wouldn't be able to.

No. No. It would be too many tendrils to deal with. I'm going to go to, I've got Linda Lusardi's Wikipedia page. She was born in Wood Green. Click on Wood Green. Haringey.

Haringey, which is a... That's just a help page. Sorry. Londonborough. Local Authority District. Subnational Division of England. This one's a slow one. I'm enjoying it.

England. Country. Here. Country. Here we go. Ooh. Is. Yeah. We're kind of going around the houses on this one, unfortunately. Linda Lussardi has broken it.

Sovereign country. Political entity. Collective identity. We're getting closer. Belonging. Emotional. Emotional need. Psychological state. Mind. we're getting very close indeed will

philosophy yeah there we are we're there with it didn't take very long in the end eventually got me to communication very quickly for obvious reasons and then it was simply academic discipline knowledge fact experience consciousness sentience emotion mental state mind will philosophy yeah and then a good set of headphones afterwards that sounds like the that sounds like the kind of secret to the universe really kind of weird it's all boiling it down yeah isn't it amazing stuff it's certainly one in the eye for everyone who took the piss out of people who did philosophy uh air level certainly one on the eye for the guy who emailed in the most interesting email we've had in ages and you didn't put his name in it so yep don't care mate it's like for him to think about philosophically there

yeah exactly click click click let's squeeze one more in let's squeeze one more email in before we go this email I've titled exploding beasts and where to find them I apologise in advance after the skunk thing on Monday this isn't quite as horrific but we'll do it anyway it's from Luke in Houston he says in response to Luke's story of exploding blueberries and new paint

that is for those who don't remember the time I popped a blueberry out of the microwave by accident and it squirted all up the wall and i had to repaint the wall luke in texas as he is dealt with a similar though slightly more horrendous version of events three months ago my partner and i bought our first house together it's a lovely home in a quiet neighborhood in central houston during the summer we deal with temperatures of up to 40 degrees celsius every day along with sporadic rainfall as such the vast array of insects namely flying cockroaches attempt to seek refuge in our home recently i had a misfortune one of these devil creations come into my office while i was opening the door not thinking i used my notepad to crush the cockroach resulting in a foot-long blast of jet black guts all over our ceiling.

Despite cleaning several times, I had to repaint a small section of the paintwork. Thanks for all the excellent work. All the best, Luke. Again, nature, red in tooth and claw. These things happen. That is something that is exactly the same. It's basically a cockroach version of my blueberry. Of course, my blueberry is a vegan version of my blueberry of course my blueberry

is a vegan version of the story and wasn't flying anywhere it was just in my porridge bowl it's so horrible it is horrible isn't it so bloody horrible what are you gonna do let's get out of here let's do it so on that note squishing things underfoot um yeah we'll be back on monday for more luke and pete show In the meantime, if you want to drop us a line about philosophy, sex, emotions. An AI Linda Lussardi popping a blueberry. Love it. Enjoyable. Enjoyable.

In Yellowstone National Park, because you can't be prosecuted. Can't prosecute for getting a bit of blueberry on a squirrel. Shaw at, sorry, hello at lukenpeachshow.com. And you can get in touch via Twitter as well. It's at Luke and Pete Shaw. We'll see you next time. See you. Have a lovely week.

Rest of your week. Weekend. Love you. Bye. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.