The Luke and Pete Show - Sewage Ghostbusters

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

This week, the lads decide that the best secret superpower would be a weak sense of smell. They then discuss the increasing price of candles - Luke’s astounded that the wife he has access to paid £80 for one! Elsewhere, Luke talks about the porn industry again before getting to the bottom of Pete’s microwave steak venture - why can’t they just make tinned steaks?Plus, Donny is convinced he’s going through the perimenopause.Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

with my day saver remember that one somebody somebody wrote uh ginger joe not trusted on the mic i know i'll put that away instagram story do you know that someone tracked them down and one of them's in jail and the other one's now a lawyer oh wow that's lovely that's a film waiting to happen which one though that's the question The smaller little one on the left is in jail. Right. Okay. I mean, yeah. So he was...

So the actual rapper is the lawyer, then? Smoking Darifa in the corner on his day saver? No, that's the first one. He's the jail guy. He's the jail guy. Is he little? I thought the little guy was the... Because he comes in like...

The little guy's on the left. He raps first. He goes, get on the bus with my day saver. comes in like... The little guy's on the left. He raps first. He goes, get on the bus with my day saver. Day saver. Smoked a reefer in the corner. Lay low. Something, something, something. So you can remember that.

You can't remember anyone's name, but you can remember that obscure meme from like 15 years ago. Oh, Lukie Moore. I have had a couple of days... Welcome to the Lukie Peaches. Pete Donaldson and Lukie Moore with you. I have had a couple of days

of my own version of memory loss. The loss of some DDR4 DIMMs in my computer. My computer's been very silly. It's been a very silly billy. And where at one point in my life I could just kind of spend two days fixing it, I don't have the time to fix anything. So I was genuinely at one point yesterday considering driving my computer down to a computer shop

and going, here, fix this, will you? I'm busy. What a climb down. That would be for you, though. I would feel so bad about that. I'd feel so upset. But I think I've managed to turn it around by spending some more money on memory.

So I think we're back on top. Has your computer had a bonk? Is that why? It's not really had a bonk. It's had a lot of dust. I think it might be dust-related. But I think the memory's a bit buggered. I tried to install a stripped-down version of Windows,

eschewing the literal 1s and 0s frippery of the modern state of the operating system, which is just full of belated crap that you're never going to need. So I installed a cut down version and it was so cut down, it didn't even work. So there we go. That's how cut down it was.

Your computer is really a mirror image of yourself, right? It's running out of memory. Bad memory, yeah. Yeah, you need a bigger board to sort it out. Never had anything to start with. None of the basic programs work. Can a man have a perimenopause? Because I think I'm just so not misogynist none of the basic programs can a man have a perimenopause because i think i i'm i just i'm

just so not misogynist that i am getting and have had for the last 20 years the perimenopause i started early 20 years so you'd have started when you're 22 23 yeah my period started to calm down the perimenopause started to ramp up, and I can't remember where my shoes are. Peter, before we started recording then, you were ranting at me about my trousers. Yeah, your trousers are a bit Robbie Savage, and you've criticised me in the past for wearing drawstring trousers. No.

Drawstring chinos. I'm going to do what I do with my son now. Stop. Right. Just stop. Stop. What's he doing to elicit the phrasing stop?asing stop i mean he's one so everything yeah uh everything is a delightful new experience uh for him that aware to put in his mouth yeah so i need you to stop there because what i am wearing is a pair of

very nice semi-formal trousers from Reece and they do have a drawstring to supplement the button at the waist Reece is your personal shopper am I right? yeah he is

lovely fella he's a stylist lovely gay fella who gives me all the best fashion tips he's one of the angel boys

he's queer hiring you as an angel boy you could be the third angel boy I'd love that I know the angel boys are flirting with the Jonas brothers at the moment but I would very much It's queer hiring you as an Angel Boy. You could be the third Angel Boy. I'd love that. I know the Angel Boys are flirting with the Jonas Brothers at the moment. Are they?

Yeah, they literally, as soon as I said, these guys are the best things in sliced bread, they immediately, the Jonas Brothers, appeared on their Instagram. I thought, oh, we're never going to get them on the show now. I'm not even going to try. I'm not a trier. I don't think I'm clean cut enough to be part of the Angel Boys.

I'll be a devil boy. I think the Angel Boys. We could be like the New World Order. We could be like the invaders that invade the Angel Boys. And we're just like two guys. And instead of buying candles that cost £300 a pop, we could be eating soil. I thought you were going to say, we could buy candles for £3 a pop. We could buy those candles you saw in the set. Remember when candles weren't really thick and smelt nice?

They were thin and white and waxy, and they'd be in your drawer for power cuts, which used to happen all the time in the 80s. Yeah, I mean, candles have had a massive glow up. Pun intended. I mean, back when my wife, the wife I have access to, first moved to the UK

and wasn't fully grasping the idea of UK currency. She's almost like in holiday mode. You know when you just like, keep the challenge to everyone. You just don't get it.

I'm pretty sure I'm right in saying she might have bought a candle for somewhere approaching £80. That is about... I regulate, not regularly, but as gifts, I gift £60 candles to my partner.

Well, not to me, you fucking don't. Well, you don't want a candle. I love a candle, thank you very much. You don't want a neon. My partner really likes candles and smelly candles. Not a neon, but I take... there's always a candle on the go i'll tell you who i am a massive fan of and that's the isle of sky candle company okay right very reasonably priced they do offers um they're normally about it's about 20 pounds for a candle

but they're massive and they last for ages and i think they do three for two and they are lovely i find the yankee candle your new kids on the block kind of fragrant candles a bit too cloying. I'm going to say it's a bit low rent, bit chemical. Bit chemical, bit low rent. Team Neom, they're expensive. They're not worth the money. I would prefer it if we could

go back to just hunting ptarmigan and burning whale oil. Yeah, making your own out of soap. Yeah, making your own out of soap. I would very much appreciate going back to those times. But yeah, I must say the Yankee Candle, I find a little bit like a bad vape.

Yeah. I'd love to live in a cabin with you that's just full of blubber. Just full of blubber? What is this stuff? I think I've asked this about three times where you where they've mashed together meat and fruit uh together at last uh in that thing that that lasts forever uh i agree no that's that comes out of my will's guts uh but it's basically just

compounded and pounded um bits of fruit and bits of meat together and they just it just lasts forever basically and it's you don't have to uh tweet me you don't have to face with me you don't have to text me i'm not googling it because i don't want to fuck the algorithm up i don't want people to be thinking i'm googling that i mean that's worse than me googling big pair of tits or something well i mean i mean it keeps you alive it's not designed to um do anything other than just sustain you it's just a very efficient way of carrying fat fruit, meat protein along with you it's just a really nutritious

feed in a can do you have much cause for that up in Leon C? no I did I let everyone down yesterday my partner was making hot dogs because I live in like I'm 8 years old and she was making hot dogs because i live uh in like i'm eight years old and she was making hot dogs and uh in a bun and and we put gherkins on it um sort of cut up gherkins but i

couldn't get the gherkin tin open for love no money could not get that thing on i even stabbed the top of it to relieve the pressure and i've got like a pain in my shoulder. I just couldn't open it at all. It was so embarrassing. So I had to basically hack into the lid like an absolute imbecile to relieve the gherkins from its glass and metal prison. It was awful. Awful.

Why does this sound like an episode of The Walking Dead? It's not good. I mean, well, I clearly wouldn't survive. I can't let them bleed in these days for crying out loud. I've got images of you hacking away at a jar of probably out of date gherkins while zombies are clawing at the windows. Pemmican.

I've remembered slash googled when we had a quick edit because the computer died. It's a mixture of tallow, dried meat and sometimes dried berries. It's a mixture of tallow, dried meat, and sometimes dried berries. It's calorie rich and can be used as a key component in prepared meals or even eaten raw. So, Luke Moor, I would very much like to have a whale oil lamp on the go while we're recording this podcast.

I would like to be picking pemmican from my incisors, and I would like to give you a big greasy kiss on the beard. Oh, thanks, man. That sounds amazing. Speaking of which, though, I've had plenty of complaints about how the fact we haven't really talked much more about your microwave steaks. Could you microwave Pemmican or not? Would you not bother? I reckon it would probably go very oily very quick.

It would stink of whatever meat you've used, either moose, elk, deer, bison. Cabra boo. Imagine you're in Talk Spot or wherever you said that somebody cooked fish for breakfast. It was the moose at Talk Spot. The moose at Talk Spot famously cooked some... Tuna pancakes at 5am.

Tuna pancakes? What the fuck is a tuna pancake? He's made pancakes with tuna. Anyway, he cooked it in the communal microwave. Imagine cooking pemmican, made from salmon and duck and beef, animal fat and cranberries and saskatoon berries and stuff like that.

It's not great. Do you ever often watch a period piece, and cranberries and saskatoon berries and stuff like that like it just it's not great do you often do you ever often um watch like a period piece like i don't know like a a napoleonic era drama or movie or whatever or you know i don't know like a old medieval thing or whatever i think that one thing that's not mentioned that much is how much everything would absolutely stank yeah everything would stink but no one was would that not wouldn't that be like a massive superpower if you can kind of get through being able to deal with really stinky situations but everyone then would be able to because they'd be used to it no exactly and but yeah in shakespearean times everywhere everywhere, I promise you, everywhere probably stank.

I was watching a show, I think called Ted or something, on Netflix, which involves the man who played Sherlock Holmes with the flared nostrils, who's very famous in America now. Benedict Cumberbatch. Benedict Cumberbatch, thank you. And he plays a sort of Jim Henson kind of like... Oh, yeah, I've seen it advertised. It's a mess.

But nearer the end, they end up in the sewer. And at no point... And everyone sort of sees New York sewers and stuff, because obviously a few people live down there and stuff because it's warm and relatively dry in places on the sewage network. But nobody at any point went, ugh, this stinks. This absolutely

honks. Do you remember your friend of mine, Rick Edwards, doing that show, Fatberg Autopsy? Fatberg Autopsy. No. I remember doing that one about the tools and then that man had Hitler's birthday tattooed on his arm.

Do you remember that? Yeah, that was a shame. Yeah, that is a shame. Because you know what? Rick's interested in loads of different stuff. And so he did the show on Channel 4. Well, yeah. He did the show on Channel 4. It was a long time ago,

like six or seven years ago probably. And it's called Fatberg Autopsy. It's when everyone's chatting about all the fact that you can't throw baby wipes down the toilet because, you know, there's Fatbergs everywhere and all the stuff from the Chinese restaurants

and all that kind of thing. Yeah. And Rick is, obviously, like I say, interested in that stuff so he did this show where he went down there with all these,

like, cutlery. Flushers. The whole thing. They're called, like, they're called flushers. I think they're like Thames Waters,

like sewage, you know, cleaning. Sewage ghostbusters kind of guys. Yeah, basically. They come in with high pressure hoses. The kicker is that Rick has a very,

very poor sense of smell because I think he had some incident at school in the science lab. That's right. Yes. About where he kind of, he accidentally snorted a load of ammonia. Right. Okay. So he's lost his sense of smell.

So perfect guy to do that show and a perfect guy to go back in time to the medieval period and be able to deal with it. If we do need to send someone back that was an envoy and we're worried about the smell, I think he could do it pretty well

for that reason. I would also say that I've got a very heightened sense of this because I sometimes watch things on TV. Do you know what it is? It's ever since I ever read a book or heard a podcast doc

by John Ronson who did a load of stuff around the porn industry. Do you remember? Right. Yeah. And he was saying, I think it was him, was saying He's just doing a jizz. The one thing he was saying was that you don't really realise is when you first visit a porn set, it absolutely stinks. He's doing the jizz. The one thing he was saying was that you don't really realise

is when you first visit a porn set, it absolutely stinks. Stinks, right, okay. And so every time now I see a TV programme and there's some kind of scene which would involve something horrible, I think, oh, that would absolutely stink. To the point where I've started to see people on TV who are a little bit sweaty, and then I immediately associate it with people smelling damp.

I think, oh, they're going to smell damp. Their clothes are going to smell of damp. I just don't think we talk about it enough. Wrestlers as well. They would stink. They would absolutely stink. And some of them, like Andre the Giant famously never brushed his teeth. Absolutely horrific situation.

That's awful. Speaking of giants, though, Rick Edwards would be dead within about an hour in medieval times because he would be about three feet taller than everyone else. Yeah, and he'd have bonked his head on everyone's doorways.

Big concussion. It would be like Gulliver's Travels. On that Fatberg autopsy programme, the stuff they found in this Fatberg, I mean, it was absolutely outrageous. Obviously, they found the stuff like nappies and condoms and wipes and stuff like that, right? Yeah.

But they also tested it. And in the Fatberg, they found caffeine, cocaine, ketamine, MDMA, morphine. Get it down, yeah. Get it down. What a delicious, gigantic pill. But they talk about, like, does that mean that when you pee out the cocaine, there's still some cocaine in there?

Yeah, because... Come on, guys, get with it. It really affects the fish in the rivers and stuff, doesn't it? Yeah. So what we need to do is, if we're going to use less than... less than all care ways of getting the drugs into people they need to be recycling it that's all I'm saying what what we do is we have a novel approach to things here in

the UK whereas we just dump all of our sewage straight into the rivers yeah we don't worry about it anyway there's fine in the rivers to be honest yeah anyway I did I did say that to our listeners some of whom have complained to me, that we need to talk more about your microwave steak. Is it something you do a lot more regularly than you care to admit? I have been using more frozen meals lately. And I have been, obviously, I've been flirting with my air fryer. So I am kind of, when I sort of see meals that can't be cooked via air fryer,

I am looking to my microwave to pick up the slack, to be honest. So I've not been working very hard on me cooking steaks in the old microwave. But I would say that it is an option open to me in the future. What does it taste like? And I would do it again. It was fine. It was absolutely fine. I mean, it didn't look great, but I was surprised on how...

I bet it looked grey. You forget how important burnt bits on a steak are, really. That's what the flavour is. It's mad. But it was fine. You've got to caramelise. You've got to do it properly. This is coming from a man in you who once very thoughtfully found a company

based in the UK that will deliver Wagyu steak. And you got me a Wagyu steak. I think it was like an A1 Wagyu steak. Delivered to my house. Yeah, A5 sorry, for Christmas one year. And the wife I've access to

and I cooked it. And it was absolutely delicious. And I hate to see a man who takes that kind of care yeah with beef products resorting to this gray flaccid mess in the microwave times times have changed it's no point having a microwave i need convenience for i really want you know like um is it salisbury steak that you get out of a can in America. They're like kind of like gravy-ish, maybe not really steak anymore, maybe reformed steak product into a kind of a rough steak shape and you stick it in the microwave and have some macaroni and cheese with it.

Like proper Fallout 3 kind of wasteland products. I want to get involved in that caper. It's just a hamburger, isn't it? It's just a hamburger. Is it? Right. But they just call it Salisbury steak. Why couldn't you just have like a tin I want to get involved in that, Kepa. It's just a hamburger, isn't it? It's just a hamburger. Is it? Right. But they just call it Salisbury steak. Why couldn't you just have a tinned steak?

Why couldn't you? Could they pre-burn it for you? Pre-cauterise the outside? And yes, it is cauterising. And then you kind of just warm it up in the microwave. But I think, you know when I said to you the other week that I don't like the fetishisation of this food culture thing, which is gatekeeper-y and a little bit fucking tedious, and it is a way for uninteresting people to sound interesting.

You've gone too far. Gone too far the other way, yeah. You want to can everything and microwave everything. And I think that that's not, that's a road to madness, Peter. Well, as discussed before, I don't want anything canned because I can't bloody open the bloody things. Luke, shall we take a short break because we've got to come back

and do some batteries in that time. Let's do that. We're back with Luke Pete Shaw. Tom has got in touch. Have you got any Junareds in the Battery Daddy? This comes from the many

Talking Toddler Toys. Our Talking Toddler Toys. Our little girl has. Never heard of this one before and it doesn't ring a bell. Nice blue and gold paint job, and for some reason, there's a picture of an apple on there. Junered.

J-U-N-E-R-E-D. That's it. Junered. That's it. Junered. Junered. Junered. I don't know.

Junered, yeah. I guess June's a good time to start picking apples off your trees. Maybe it's something to do with that. It's September, isn't it, for apples? It might be. It might be. I think back in the day when you used to have seasonal fruits, I think it was like autumn time you'd pick the apples. Is that what Harvest Festival was all about?

I think so. What was the Harvest Festival? It seemed to me you just gave cans to old people. Oats and beans and barley grow. Oats and beans and barley grow. Do you or I or anyone know how oats and beans and barley grow? Did you not sing that at school? No.

We sang... First the farmer sows his seeds, then he claps his hands with ease, which is a bit shown off by the farmer, I think. Right, with ease. What, he closes his hands with ease? Wow.

Claps his hands with ease to himself, presumably, because he's in the field on his own. So I don't know why... Yeah, so he's going, yeah! Huffing red diesel all day. I'm not surprised

he's off his head. I would say that we used to sing, we did have a Harvest Festival concert, I remember. You'd bring cans in for less fortunate people.

We did, but I don't know where they were. I think they went to old people. I think we just went to the old people's home and gave them cans. Now the old people are all the millionaires.

But then the old people wouldn't have had access to the kitchens, would they? Wouldn't they be served food for... Wouldn't it be all kind of like massive tins that they opened for the old people at the old people's home? Yeah. It wouldn't be...

It'd be like a food service, wouldn't it? It's a big role reversal now, because like I say, the old people are the ones with all the money. That is true. They're the ones taking food back to the food bank for the young people who haven't got any money to eat. The whole thing's been flipped. We did sing Sloop John B by the Beach Boys for some reason.

I don't really know. It was kind of like, you can tell the teachers that were around in the 80s were obviously banging to the Beach Boys in the 60s. Did you know? Well, possibly not because proper Beach Boys purists don't acknowledge that song. Right. Why?

Because it's a song bang in the middle of Pet Sounds. And the record label insisted on being in there because they wanted a recognisable song on the album because they're fucking morons. And every other song on that record pretty much is like a beautiful love song that Brian Wilson wrote from the depths of his genius heart. Right. And that one was a song about a drunken sailor. Yeah.

I know many people who just instantly skip that song when they listen to it. It's a bit of an anomaly, really. It's quite controversial that it's on there. Do you know who the first, do you know the first time I heard, um, wouldn't it be nice? Right. The opening song to Pet Sounds, of course. Do you know who was singing it? Oh, can you give me a clue

I'd like to guess he likes canned food Bear Grylls nope Bear got two more guesses I've got two more guesses he likes canned food

Big Arms likes canned food Popeye Popeye was singing it what I don't get it I don't know I had a file on my computer that had a version

of Popeye singing that. This is not the same scene where you first ejaculated, is it? No, no. I mean, similar sort of year.

So when you first ever ejaculated, you were playing Hero Quest and listening to Popeye singing Wouldn't It Be Nice? Yeah, I guess I was, yeah. Anyway, it's horrible, isn't it?

What a horrible life. What a horrible life. And you've got the gall to tell me that you don't think you're an eccentric. Oh, dear. Right, David has got in touch. Good day, little Pete. Oh, we haven't done Tom.

Oh, God, Tom. Tom, Cheshire. Let me know whether the Juno Red's there. Tom of Finland. Tom in Cheshire. It's just more about... I don't know. What's Cheshire famous for? Cheese, I guess. Tom of Finland. Tom in Cheshire. It's just more about... Yeah. I don't know.

What's Cheshire famous for? Cheese, I guess. Footwallers. It's a new player. It is a new player, Tom. Well, I thought it might be. I don't think I've seen a June Red either. Tom in Cheshire.

Well done, mate. Well done, my old son. You know what? It's nice to see... I hate to sound like Nigel bloody Farage, but it's nice to see a man who's not in Malaysia and he's opened up a kid's toy

and he's found a battery he's in good old Blighty finding new players yeah anyone could do it in the Far East anyone could do it in the Far East

there's so many little battery brands around it's like having to play an MLS it is it's easy to find a goal there David has got to touch hello David Golding

good day Luke Pete long time listener fourth time emailer, friend who covered the speedo to avoid a speeding fine,

father who bought six of the same printers as it was cheap to buy a replacement cartridge,

and button phobia. I have found two batteries in a toy dog that twerks and barks to a very

annoying tune. Is it Popeye singing Sleep Zombie? I wouldn't be lying. Unfortunately, it is my

three-year-old daughter's favourite toy. I hope they're brand new players. Quantasel. Or is that Guant? Quantasel. So this is a really interesting situation, right? Because I'm going to say to David Golding, thank you very much for emailing him.

Yeah. Your CT Quantasel is a new player. Q-Connect, the other one you've got isn't. Forget that one. CT Guanta cell is. Weirdly enough you sent that in on May 29th at 7.36pm

I think we're going to go for British Summer Time. So that makes it a new plan. No one's ever sent that in before. Yeah. But two days later, one of our listeners, Bryce Cottle,

who hasn't, I mean, he's emailed exactly the same battery in two days later. Wow. And he would have been a new player

had David not emailed in a couple of days before. So we've had two CT Guantacell within two days. We've never had one before that. So make what you would of that. Was David's core Guantacell, the two men that are inhabiting the CT Guantacell, are they both in the same area?

I'd love to know that. Did they both come out of a toy dog? That is the question. So basically, oh no, it can't be, because Bryce says that his is from a mail order engineering toy in New Zealand, and I presume David is in Britain. So I'd love to know. I'd love to know.

Fascinating. Crack it. It's literally like you wait all day for a London bus and two come along at once. Great stuff. All right, well, Kyle has got in touch. What's happening, boys? Back with another submission. The last one that was read out was when pete went on a mad one and was calling everyone out for sending over obvious batteries i can only apologize i found these uh in a piece

of fucking shit kids toy my little boy has i have attached the image of the toy so luke does not accept this as a gift for the wee man um it is fucking irritating thankfully when replacing the batteries it turns out the toy is broken success keep up the good work lads Kyle from Edinburgh I think Kyle was a bit rough with the old

with the contacts and he's ruined it deliberately yeah I mean it's a VTech nursery rhymes book VTech is a pretty well known brand among the old kids toys they're pretty out there and I'll tell you for what

I'll tell you for what my sister's children had this very toy and I can confirm the batteries never run out so there you go And I'll tell you for what, my sister's children had this very toy. And I can confirm the batteries never run out. So there you go. He's sent in Vinix, though. And, you know, just I'm not going to labour the point.

But to be perfectly honest, Carl, if you're someone who's sent in obvious batteries before, you've done the same thing again here because you are the 32nd person to send in Vinix. Oh dear. I don't think You're nowhere near it. I don't think Vinix are particularly particularly popular though I think.

It didn't jump out at me. That's all I'm saying. And you know me. That's your problem, Donaldson. My brain's like a my memory's like a vice. The salient point

is that 32 people have sent them in. I mean that's what you want me to tell you. from Vinix batteries to the Vinix of to the Vinnick of the show, the finish of the show. We'll be back on Monday. Look after yourselves.

You've got some batteries you found in a child's toy that may be annoying or may be not. It may be delightful. Open your child's most delightful toy and let us know what's inside for crying out loud. HelloAtLinkePeteShow.com is the way to get in touch. You can get us on Twitter, you can get us on all the socials, really.

We're not on Facebook. We've got time for that, for crying out loud. Imagine that. It can't be done that way. Gross. Alright, we'll be back soon. Ta-ta. Bye.

See you later, Luke. Yeah, see you later. See you later. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.