The Luke and Pete Show - The ex-Xfm breakfast show

Episode Date: March 2, 2020

Not sure where to start with this one to be honest.If you were unlucky enough to experience the Alex Zane breakfast show between 2007 and 2009 you'll probably be on nodding terms with this nonsense, but for everyone else - Luke is away this week so it was Pete's turn to bring in some buddies.Listen to Clash Of The Titles with Alex Zane here: http://hyperurl.co/ClashpodAnd get Pete and Marc Haynes on Wrestle Me here: http://hyperurl.co/wrestlemeSlide into our DMs: [e-mail] ***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I'll level with you I've not got an intro lads It's Luke and Pete's show Episode whatever We have decided This week Pete Donaldson with you Luke's not here

So we thought we'd take The opportunity to Advertise a couple of our Other shows On the Stakhanov Network Namely Clash of the Titles. It's about film. It's a fantastic show.

I was on there last week. I enjoyed myself immensely. Mr Alex Zane. Thanks for having me, Pete, and thank you for the promotion of Clash of the Titles. It's a huge podcast and it's growing every day. You were very good on it the other week. Did you actually listen?

No, of course you didn't. I wasn't on it. You were filling my shoes. Why would I listen didn't know where your shoes went Mark Haynes also of this parish

Stacarno Show joined the project with Marky Marky Haynes Wrestle Me Wrestle Me Mark I mean Wrestle Me Pete people are very much saying it's one of the

great podcasts it's just one of our things we do Wrestle Me is that going to be happening a lot during this I'm not going to enjoy happening a lot during this?

I'm not going to enjoy it if you've got your little... You're actually quite interesting in this because you're pretending not to be interested in WrestleMe, but I've been to a Wrestlemania with you. Yes, you have. And that was great. That was Wrestlemania 25? Yeah, it was. Now I feel excluded.

Fuck you guys. Yeah, at WrestleMe, Mark. Is that right? WrestleMe, I think. That was the original plan. Fell through. But we made do and mend. Yeah, it was the best, best work trip anyone has ever been on.

They basically paid Mark and I to go to Houston to watch Wrestlemania 25. Yeah. And all we had to do was sort of loosely phone in one report, which was like, yeah, it's great. Wrestling's great. Not even that. I mean, what happened was I'd been fired about a week before we went, but it had already been booked. So they they said can you go and record it and i was like

yeah i've literally cut my ties with this company and i'm really resentful about you so when they rang up and they said have you got that thing i went no like that and they went oh great i remember not being bothered that i wasn't going but in retrospect i wondered why it wasn't made i was never made aware of it until you'd gone unbelievable well because you're dangerous around firearms they have very loose gun laws in texas we saw a guy handling an assault rifle with his mate it's the first time i'm wrestling in the ring i'll start this out ricklair. I can't believe you've not covered that on your little podcast. Little podcast, rude.

Yeah, no, we saw that. It's the first time I think either of us had ever seen someone who wasn't in uniform, a professional of some capacity, handling a gun. There were these guys with their trunk open in a car park. 10am in the morning, just walking through, and there are two men, and there's no one else around.

There's just me and Alex walking across. Should we run away now? Well, exactly exactly there's a man taking a gun out when you're british and you see a gun your first thing is oh god this is the worst thing that's ever happened yeah you know it was terrifying it's not the coolest fight or flee mentality and we decided to fight why i've got all these wounds but yeah but we fought each other just like kissing he had to fire his gun off into the air to separate us. When we crossed a pedestrian crossing there, there were two blokes who were probably younger than certainly I was.

Alex's age is always a matter of debate. But they were coming across the other side with two girls. And we were walking across and the girls both looked at Alex and the boys both looked at Alex. And the girls went, hi, like that. And one of the blokes who was our age just sort of went, is it a boy or a girl? I've never had so many comments

about skinny jeans in such a short amount of time. They really like them baggy out there, don't they? Cargo shorts and all the rest. You've got to conceal a weapon somewhere. I conceal my weapon just right. I don't know what that was just right where do you put it sock give me the big legs unbelievable it was going so well

just like it used to be i ruined it so the thing that you're probably not aware of is that we used to all work together on a ill-fated I'm outside the radio ill-fated London based

indie radio station called XFM it was Alex Zane's breakfast show and that's why I feel utterly uncomfortable trying to helm

this thing I don't like I didn't get into radio because I wanted to be a presenter I wanted to be a presenter. I wanted to be a sidekick and Alex allowed me to do that for a year and a half

until we all got fired. But we have all gone on to great, great things in the world of radio. I mean, I present the Radio 1 Breakfast Show under the pseudonym Greg James. I like the fact that like,

I'm Maya Jama. Ten years ago, ten 10 years ago we were doing exactly this yeah but we were being paid three grand to do it and 10 years later we're sitting here and doing it for nothing to no one this this is hard to dress up as a sideways move mark this is our studio. We own the lights. We bought some lights in 10, 15 years. I will say, it is a lot hotter in here than the old XFM studio. Yeah, we had air conditioning in that one.

Not great, but we're hot. It was a professional studio. The building regulations were very much up to code. Oi, oi, oi. This is the reason that show was not great. I tried to go back, Alex. I tried to find some old versions of our podcasts because we did cut anything out.

It was my job to edit the podcast, but on a Friday, just put everything in because adverts, news reports, travel bulletins, just put it all in many of the companies that sponsored our breakfast show were over the moon because you just left that in endless because on a friday what would happen is it was my job to edit the podcast me and you do a little

intro and then little mark and little alex would pop off to the pub over the world and i'll be like i want to go at the pub i want to go to the pub but instead i edit the podcast except it didn't i just used to upload the whole thing ta-da there you go what's and all and we were always surprised how quickly you made it down to the pub after going you'll see in a bit yeah you definitely edited that uh racist stuff out although you did actually arrive when the pub had opened as opposed to me and mark who was standing outside the garrick on cherry cross road knocking on the door going come on it's 10 to 11 open up that's a bad luck i like the fact that you mentioned you leave in all of the like outside the Garrick and Cherry Cross Road knocking on the door going, come on, it's 10 to 11. Open up. That's a bad look. What harm is it going to do? I like the fact that

you mentioned you leave in all of the problematic stuff. It's worth saying that stuff had already been broadcast on live radio. When I moved to another radio station, it seemed that people were listening to in management. They seemed to

plan shows and seemed to get in trouble for quite minor things. And I was like, wow. Wowzers. I'm in two minds whether to talk about some of those things. I think some of them are OK. I mean, I guess on episode one when you talked about cutting the features off a tramp. That was Mark's first uttered word on the show. He wanted to cut a homeless man's face off.

Now, we won't get into the logistics. At no point did I go, there's a red flag. No! It was like we were off and flying. People often think, when you talk about radio shows you used to do, you go, oh, it's crazy, anything went.

And I always sort of think, we don't really say that, but it honestly was a show that I think you'd look back on now and you'd just go... I'm glad it's not on the internet anymore. Oh, my God, I'm so relieved. So relieved. Can you imagine if people don't find them by the time they're done?

It's not a challenge. It's like that pile of E.T. video games that Atari buried in the 80s. Nobody wants them. Just leave them where they are. It's not cute. It's not big. It's not clever. We don't want them.

No, no. As is often said, it was a different time back then but it wasn't that's the worst thing it wasn't it was just we were younger and no one was listening we used to ask people what they were wearing and then how old they were and that would determine whether or not we carried on the conversation we'd instigated or ended it just there why didn't we flip that around why didn't we flip that round? Why didn't we say, how old are you? And then decide to say what are you wearing? Yeah, that's right. Because the catchphrase was, what are you

wearing? They'd go, I'm wearing this. And we'd go, ooh, that's lovely. And then I think, at one point, it turned out that we had to bring in the, also how old are you? Because of an on-air mishap. Yeah. How old are you? I'm on-air mishap? Yeah. How old are you? I'm five.

Oh, that's lovely. Unwelcome. This is the child's parent. I now have the phone. What has just happened? Wait till the podcast comes out. He'll definitely put that in. But I did try and find some audio of the old podcast.

Couldn't find any. It has been removed from the internet, so we're all good. But I did find on an old hard drive of mine, I did find one episode. I had limited time to listen to it. And all I can remember from it last night

was that you were trying to get me to go out with Lily Allen. Mark was well in on the idea. And it was just me bothering Lily Allen at different events,

phoning her up, trying to get out, go out with Lily Allen. That's all I've got. I think Pete and Lily Allen, before the year is out, will probably be having a baby. Would you like to hear this song that Pete has recorded for Lily Allen at 7.50 on the XFIN Breakfast Show? I apologise, but here it is. Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily, Lily I really, really, really like you Whoa, whoa

Lily Yeah, it was like Cristiano Colo's Celebrity Bounty Hunter, but with just you and Lily Allen. Me trying to romance Lily Allen. Yeah. Hey, I did actually, I know I said I didn't do any work for this podcast, but I have come up with an idea, a little game we can play. So if a fruit wasn't called what it's called, what would it be called instead?

Look, the life cycle of a radio show is limited. You have to rotate people in and out. Now, Alex remembers one of my final acts as assistant producer slash broadcaster on the Alex M. Bradford show. Were you an assistant producer? What, the podcast mate? Every Friday. I came up with the texter. You know, ask the nation.

If you want... If, for example, a banana wasn't called a banana, what would you call it? I would call it a yellow bendy fruit, right? So... And Alex found that. The pile of shit that used to come out of that breakfast show, he somehow found that offensive.

It was just a fact. Bearing in mind, if you googled your name for the longest time, one particular event came up. You could somehow think my inoffensive fruit-based texter was somehow beyond the pill. It was just like the banality of the responses that came in. I just remember Mark

and I sitting there for a good hour going, is this how you expected it to go, Pete? Is that right, Pete? That one is good, is it? This is your text to Pete. Is that an answer that we should broadcast or not? In 2020, that's what radio sounds like, alright? It went my way, not your

highway, alright? So, I don't really know how this works. Alex, have you got any hosting you can do because I'm feeling very uncomfortable running the show here no much like the X7 breakfast show I'm probably going to pop out for a cigarette do you want to play three songs in a row while I have a cigarette

I'm going to call in sick well basically what we do at the start of the show it's two halves we do a couple of news stories, and then we just pile straight into some emails. Have we got a news story, Mark? Yes.

Yes! Get in there! Come on! I've got a little bit of a sense of this. So I went onto the Huffington Post, and this is a story about a woman who lost a mixtape. Okay. Now, this whole story is a perfect example of a story that you just you

wouldn't tell to like someone you knew really well if it happened but somehow it's gone global yeah and she basically she went to an art exhibition uh recently and she saw this woman had been collecting things that she'd found in the sea and doing an art exhibition about that and she she noticed there was a tape cassette there, and she went, hang on, is that my mixtape that I lost in 1993? So she contacted the artist, and the artist said, well, I've got the track listing here. And the woman looks at the track listing, and she was like, yes, it is my mixtape.

Don't show them the track listing. Make her get it. Make her tell what the track listing is. This is classic lost property. The more you dig into it, the more boring it becomes. So she said it went missing when she was on holiday in Mallorca in 1993. What a boring life that woman has, if she remembers that. So she sees it in this gallery in Stockholm this year.

When I was reading the track list, it seemed very familiar to me. So I took a picture of it and compared it with the original CD from 1993, which I still have and it was exactly the same track list but starting with track three i remember i didn't like the first two songs in the cd because i felt they were too old so i didn't include them when i recorded the mixtape age 12 this is national international news right so the huffington post sort of go this is a big story a woman lost a mixtape for the huffington post sort of go, this is a big story. A woman lost a mixtape. For the Huffington Post, this is a big story.

And it was a big enough deal that she remembered losing a mixtape. A fucking mixtape. The track list, they list it. Would I Lie To You by Charles and Eddie. Rock With You by Inner Circle. The Jungle Book Groove by the Disney cast. Now, that's an important one. Right.

She says, her name is Estella Waddell. She says, yep, I had an association with the Jungle Book song, and this was always the second track on the album. Why? Explain it. I have a question. Yeah, far away. So, does she explain how it ended up in the sea? Yeah.

No, it was... Was it an emotional outburst? Did she pull it out of a cassette recorder and go, I'm tired of you. This is bollocks. I hate the Jungle Book groove, and throw it into the ocean. No, she just lost it. Right, okay.

And then a few years later, It fell in the sea. an artist finds it in the sea and says, Do you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to put this on in a gallery in Stockholm. Were the other items a child's pants? Was he like, Is he just did a house robbery and just stole it?

Where do you paddle? In some shallow waters. Yeah, in some dangerous waters. I just want to say, if I can, full respect to that artist because there is a hell of a lot

of plastic in the ocean right now. She's pulling a bit more out. Or she, we don't know. Or she, sorry, yeah.

They pulled, come on, it's a man, it's a man. No, no. Nobody else is doing this shit. It is a woman

and she did it to highlight the fact there was lots of plastic in the ocean what i'm blaming a child it's so basic hey listen i i mean you don't have a good reputation as far as i can tell the luke and pete show of animals choking on stuff or dying in any way apparently there was an email about a heron so i'm'm just saying that right now, a dolphin, Peter, could have choked on that mixtape and it didn't because of this great, great artist. So maybe think about that before you sort of jump in. A dolphin wouldn't eat it. It might do.

Also, how are you familiar with the diet of a dolphin? Like, it might eat cassette tapes. That's not the main thing. Whenever you've ever found, like found a tape in the gutter, when you've gone past the gutter and there's a tape there, and it happens less frequently now that that's obsolete format. Do you give it to a dolphin? And that part of your dolphin brain goes,

I don't want to eat that. I would say every single one of those. I came from the sea. Every single time I've seen what a tape is called in the gutter, it's always just been titled mixtape. I remember finding it. Is it Made in Manhattan, The J-Law DVD. Yes.

I remember finding one of them in Camden and I picked it up and this guy who was a rather unhinged chap grabbed it off me and went and tried to slice my neck with it. He called himself Dougie Fresh. You know Dougie Fresh? He's a rapper from back in the day.

He was calling me. He was going, I'm Dougie Fresh, I'm Dougie Fresh. And then I went, oh, look at the DVD. And he grabbed it off of me and tried to slash my neck with it. You don't mess with Dougie Fresh he's a rapper back in the day he was calling he was going I'm Dougie Fresh I'm Dougie Fresh and then I went oh look a DVD I'm here and he grabbed it and grabbed it

and obviously went and tried to slash my neck with it you don't mess with Dougie Fresh I found a copy made in Manhattan made in Manhattan

the two things you remember is a man tried to kill you and the film in the gutter was made in Manhattan and it's still

a better story than that fucker who found a cassette tape that would be an embarrassing way to go. I'm just obsessed with the whole thing about looking at a tape

and going, ah, that's my old mixtape that I lost 20 years ago. How little is going on that you can remember a 20-year-old mixtape that you've also got a CD backup of?

I've been to the crime museum and I remember seeing a load of knuckle dusters. Now, that is a memorable piece of gallery art. Yes. I like the, they had light a memorable piece of gallery art. Yes. I like the, they had like lighters that had knives in them.

And ever since I've seen that, I'm just like, I have got to get myself a lighter with a knife in. I don't picture either of you as that kid who comes into school with some knuckle dusters, whacks another kid round the head with it and is suddenly expelled. But everyone always goes, yeah, but he brought knuckle dusters into school.

Yeah, it was always the quiet ones. It's the goes, yeah, but he brought knuckle dusters into school. Yeah, it was badass. It's always the quiet ones. It's the ones who get pushed. The ones who are fed up of taking the shit. It's taking the shit. Are you okay? No. We've been watching wrestling.

In the crime museum, they had a load of like, dispersive like presents that people had given to people that would explode or maim or hurt them. One of them was this pair of binoculars that a jilted lover had given to his ex. So she'd put it to her eyes

and then spikes would come out into her eyes. But the problem with binoculars is... Wait, is this a film? No, it's in the crime museum. So it's the Black Museum, so Scotland Yard's big exhibits thing. They keep the weirdest things, the celebrity trials and the weird things

and this was a pair of binoculars that as Pete says had spikes that were supposed to as you put them to your eyes into the jilted lover's face but the guy hadn't got like a pair of binoculars from a shop he'd gone this is such a good idea I'm going to make it all from scratch

out of this lump of wood so it would have arrived and you'd have been like, what the fuck is this? Does it look like anything? Unsurprisingly, I have questions. It didn't have lenses in it. You'd look at it and you'd go, what am I supposed to do with this? The last place I'm putting this is near my eyes. Why don't you use the binoculars?

What binoculars? There's also no way you'd get away with that. I mean, people would go, it's the homemade binoculars he sent. Did he think it was like a parting gift? Was he going to get, did he go, there's no way they'll find it. Traditionally, if you break up or are jilted by someone, you would send them a pair of binoculars. What year was this?

So you can watch them walk away for ages. Is this like the Victorian era? No. No, it was quite, it was relatively recent. I think it was after binoculars were invented. So I think it was like the 40s. Yeah. Okay. So people knew what they looked like.

People knew what a good set of binoculars looked like. The reason I ask is this is after the period where you could just claim your partner was insane and have them locked up in a sanitarium. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Someone's recessed in. Yes, I have. that was a great exhibition that was really really good they had stuff like cars it's like here's here's the back of the car it was this is the car that they left that

bombing outside tiger tiger in leicester square but it didn't go off yeah you're like that is you keep the car that's great Why is this so appealing? It should be. It was pretty cool. It was pretty badass. I went round with my dad and he told a story about his brother

had some knuckle dusters and he punched his commanding officer in the face and his face looked like a croissant. My dad's got a horrible family.

I just remember the only point of reference I have for that, but it's sport. Thanks, mate. I always found it disturbing watching Bill point of reference I have for that, but it's sport. Thanks, mate. I always found it disturbing watching Bill Beaumont on a question of sport

and his ears, you know, his ears were turned inside out. And I didn't understand it was because of rugby, yeah. Could you not like, you know, like those little toys

you used to get, those little kind of half-saggers where you could pop them inside out? Oh, yeah. Yeah, they were called poppers. Poppers? Were they called poppers?

Well, there was another thing that was called poppers. But also, there, yeah, yeah. Were they called poppers? Well, there was another thing that was called poppers. But also, there was a kid at my school who turned one of those inside out and put it on his forehead. Oh, and he had a big spot on his head. And it sucked all the blood to the surface, and he had a perfect round mark. But he was so embarrassed about how he'd done it, he would not give up the lie all day at school that he just woke up with it like that on his head and he thought

it was aliens. I hadn't seen it for ages but I saw a kid with a love bite the other day and I was like, Jesus, I haven't seen a love bite for 15 years. And you give him another one. We're going to have to take a short break. We'll be back after this. Alex, for old time's sake, could you throw to the brick?

Yeah, sure. We'll be back after this advert for an album from the enemy. He's still got it. On each step with Peloton, from their pop runs to walk and talks, you define what it means to be a runner. Whatever your level, embrace it. Journey starts when you say so. If you've got five minutes or 50, Peloton Tread has workouts you can work in. Or bring your classes with you

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It's lovely. It's lovely, isn't it? Yeah. We're back with Luke and Pete Shaw with Alex and Mark and the XFM Breakfast Show. We didn't invite

a newsreader. No. One of our many newsreaders, Matt Dyson. We went through them pretty fast. Wasn't it weird how the most professional person on the team

constantly left the team? Well, you can probably tell that story about Michael Barrymore in full. Oh, wow. That was part of the X of M law. Yeah. I'm not. Do you know what? I've told it on this podcast before.

Oh, cheers, Pete. Appreciate that. So it's absolutely fine. It got put on Poppitch, didn't it? Yeah. In the Poppitch mail-out a few weeks ago. Oh, yeah. Weirdly.

That came around. But on that night, someone stole Michael Barrymore's hat. It was producer Raph. Yeah. Why start that with someone and then... Yeah. Who was less professional than us. Let's make that very clear.

Can you believe that? Yeah, you know. And you found out your house recently so if Michael Barrymore wants his hat back I actually I think the only way

to make this an acceptable story to tell is to end it with I have your hat Michael if you'd like it back contact Pete for a look at Pete Shaw

if you want your hat back Michael Barrymore it's a kind of khaki colour and I think it has some kind of bird of prey on it. Perhaps a falcon, maybe an eagle, not a heron.

They're all dead. Hello, this is Essex Police. If you understand that you have an item of clothing that we're very interested in testing... Oh, God. I've just got a dog. I have to walk it. I don't have time for this. Yes. You have got a dog.

Last time we did a show together, you had a misbehaving cat. And now a dog has joined your brood. Yeah, no, I've got a little whippet, a little whippet called Simon. And it's just amazing watching them grow up. Because they go from this beautiful little puppy that you can pick up to a piece of shit really quickly that doesn't do what you tell it to. Have you made another pet-based mistake? Always.

Yeah. Oh, my God, I forgot. The cat I got, Holly, that came from, yeah, me saying on air, I'm going to go down to Battersea Dogs and Cats Home and I'm going to get a cat today. Yeah. Cue them going, we hear you're coming down today. And me going, well, I was

sort of just, it was a bit of radio. They mugged you off. Absolutely. They gave Alex the illest cat. Not in a Beastie Boys album where, in a like an expensive way. Oh my God, if you get a cat and it's already got various illnesses

you can't then insure it and so yeah, it was an expensive gift to myself hang on hang on if you if you've got a cat that's already ill i mean you can probably insure it but it's like you know it's like premiums buying an old car like a vintage car the things i like i had wrong with it were just sort of like things which were they weren't terminal but they were they were lifelong and they were sort of like things which were, they weren't terminal, but they were lifelong, and they were sort of gross. So they were like, oh, yeah, tar will come out of its body,

so you have to give it this cream and stuff. And it's just like, oh, this is a nightmare. Because, Mark, you used to look after the cat every now and again because you live quite close to it, one on the other. What was your second-hand experience of cats? I used to, whenever I'd see it I'd think throw meat in the front door and run I think I think this is probably the last time I'm gonna see this cat I remember once being booed at your house because we were having a barbecue and it was lying out

and I remember wistfully saying to myself Holly's last summer everyone everyone booed in the way that you boo when you go oh that guy's really hit the nail on the head but it's unacceptable i mean when i went to pick her up and they went i mean it felt and it's there was a main room with lots of cats in and i went oh i i don't have a garden at the moment so it'll have to be an indoor cat and they went we don't have any indoor cats and i went i i you've got them all in dogs i saw on your website you've got them all indoors haven't you mate I saw on your website you've got one called Holly

and there was a sharp intake of breath from the staff they went oh Holly okay and I was genuinely led into have the bins gone yet no

okay she's still here they led me into another room and they went this is Holly and they opened the cage and I went to pick her up and it and took a chunk

out of my thumb and I went well I genuinely this is better than any they opened the cage and I went to pick her up and it took a chunk out of my thumb. And I went, well, I genuinely... This is better than any relationship I've ever had. I did the right thing though because I was like,

if I don't take this cat, I'm purely getting a cat on aesthetics and health and anger issues. And I have to take this cat. And I did and we had a great relationship. Bottom line is,

she led a long and healthy life. An expensive life. long and healthy life. An expensive life. Long and healthy life. You know, within certain parameters. Oh dear. Well,

speaking of which, we'll get on a couple of emails that are coming. We have little subjects every single week. I know you don't listen, Alex. It's fine. I do.

Alright. Hi, Luke and Pete. This is about finding stuff in your garden. Speaking of garden, non-garden related cats. This isn't quite something I've found in my garden.

So again, it's not even... I've set up that. It's about a mixtape. It's about the crime music. It's something terrifying I found in a student apartment and Jack's paranormal activities encounter

reminded me of it. Two friends and I moved into a sh in a student apartment and Jack's paranormal activities encounter reminded me of it. Two friends and I moved into a shabby student apartment during college here in Boston in a weird student heavy neighbourhood.

I'm not sure if that's just heavy students around or just a lot of them around. Right. The obesity crisis there is fucking terrible.

It's a ticking time bomb. A few days after moving in we noticed a handle for a small door in the panelling next to the oven, maybe a foot square, all the way down on the floor. I got down, opened it up, realised it was just an access hatch for the emergency gas valve for the oven,

but the space was pretty large, and the girls had moved out, had left some things in there, pulled out a box of papers, some cleaning supplies, and the like, and handed them to my friend who was standing behind me when I found it. When I shouted, what the fuck? My friend was assuming that I'd found some droppings or a dead mouse or something like that.

But what I found was far more sinister. I found a large American Girl-style doll about two feet... I didn't know a doll was going to be there. I found a large American Girl... Jammed in there. She'd been there for ages, eating mice. Oh, no.

I found a large American Girl-style doll about two feet tall, behind all the storage boxes, jammed in there. She'd been there for ages, eating mice. Oh, no. I found a large American Girl-style doll about two feet tall behind all the storage boxes, blindfolded with her hands bound behind her back. Oh. Thankfully, it was trash night

and she was thrown directly to the bin outside and did not manage to break into the house and stab any of us to death in our sleep. What's an American Girl-style doll? I don't know.

I had a look when I saw this story because Pete forwarded it to me and I had a look at what. Oh story because Pete forwarded it to me. And I had a look at what. I wish I'd had that stuff. I could have done some research. We all had that stuff. They are like a big doll, but they're sort of like stylized.

And they're meant for kids. They're meant for girls. I mean, they look. I mean, there's a fine line in there. If you came back with one of those in luggage as a single man, you would be arrested at customs. I mean,

they would just be like, this is something creepy and weird. And they still make these. But I did order a few. What they look like is, you know, if,

like in America, there's a missing child who they don't know the identity of and they'll come up with a drawing. Why would they know it's missing?

Why would they have an identikit drawing of a child? Have you got any photos? No You must really miss him then I meant actually, I meant when they discovered the body of a child like in that

good serial killer who's up in Long Island. That's a great story, it's really creepy but one of the victims that they found was accompanied with a child but they don't know the identity of either of them right and american girl dolls look like the composite roaring right that people would do going does this jog anyone's memory obviously not because those artists are terrible yes it's an american girl doll it reminds me of a chat my childhood oh no why would you tie up a doll what's

wrong as soon as that happens i just go i'd move out of the house i'd burn it down My childhood. Oh, no. Why would you tie up a doll? As soon as that happens, I just go, oh, perverts. I'd move out of that house. I'd burn it down. There are other secrets. Yeah, but you don't want to be, why did you burn it down? Because of possible secrets. Well, you're clearly involved, aren't you?

I think people would say that is understandable. You'd say, yes, officer, it is. You've done the city of Bostonoston a great a great deal of service let me let me show you a photograph of the doll we found well actually that's a missing child we're looking for at the moment so yeah that's that's very much going to be case unsolved because that fire took have you ever found anything weird in a in a in a house or a garden we lifted the carpets i don't know if it's weird or just actually pretty good. We lifted the carpets in the house I grew up in

in Leeds. Oh, pocket flooring. Oh, I knew it was under there. Oh, I told this on air. Well, you just found some really nice floor. Probably opened the XFM Breakfast Show

with this killer of a story. No, I found... This is how long it had been since we got the carpets done in my mum's house in Leeds, but I must have been about 11. And it had been, obviously, based on the date of the newspaper, that it had been used to line under the carpet, which is what they used to do.

So the floorboards, then the newspaper, then the carpet. It was the front page of, I think it was the Times, it was a British newspaper, on the day after John F. Kennedy was shot. That's cool. That was pretty cool. Any news on that? I burnt the house down. Using that as kindling. I never found anything in my house but when I was younger I do remember

burying a six pack of Diet Coke outside our shed. Is that your last diet? Never again. Never again. I thought to myself, because I was about eight, I was like,

it's very important to have secret stores all over the place. And I remember burying it. It took me ages to do it. It was like in the middle of the summer, really hard. And I buried it.

And I spent the next two years just trying to find it out of curiosity. Never managed to find it. Probably just rotted. There's probably... I don't know. you dug up your whole garden just to find some diet a friend of mine had a weird story about what they buried in their

garden and i you just reminded me of this because um they had uh they went on a date with a guy i think they started going out with this guy and he had buried his cat in the garden and he missed it so much that he tied a bit of string to its paw that led out of the soil yeah so you know where it was so you know where it was and anyway my friend was uh make it wave beyond the grave yeah right so you can return to it put lipstick on relive the crime but she didn't know any of this until she spent a night at his house and then he got out of bed and she was like,

where are you going? And he didn't sort of say anything and then she fell back to sleep and woke up in the morning and he was in a sleeping bag on the lawn holding onto the bit of string

that he'd tied to the cat's paw. Do you know, I was thinking about this the other day. My parents have lived in the same house for the last 40 years. How can you just move on, Mark?

Well, exactly. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you. They, all of our animals were buried in the same house for the last 40 years. How can you just move on, Mark? Well, exactly. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you. All of our animals were buried in the garden. And there was a little section where they're all buried. So the dog is there, the cats, all of the mice, the fish, the guinea pigs. They're all in this one bed. Oh, Laird, you've swallowed the fly.

And I was thinking about this. When my parents move, someone is going to dig that up and go, ugh, horrible. Smash, smash. and I was thinking about this is when my parents move someone is going to dig that up and go ugh horrible smash smash do I take them with me I don't know

I feel weird about it while we're on the subject of dead pets which I feel we're right back where we all started in radio lovely

obviously Holly when she passed away I buried her in the garden and then only about a year ago bearing in mind she passed away I buried her in the garden and then only about a year ago bearing in mind she passed away

about 7 years 8 years ago now I had my garden redone just a couple of years ago and I just forgot I swear to God she's in the sump tank I totally forgot

and it's literally 50-50 the area they re-landscaped that she was discovered by some builders and thrown in a skip her poor body or just half of landscape that she was discovered by some builders and thrown in a skip body or just half of her, or she's not what I meant by 50,

50 or she's entirely still there. But I did, had I known beforehand, I would have done what you just suggested and dug her up. But something slipped your mind. Sometimes I do. I mean, the expense of a redesign of a house,

I wonder if like, for example, soon you're going to cost as much as her medication. You're going to start waking up and you'll hear a redesign of a house. I wonder if like... For example. It only costs as much as her medication. You're going to start waking up and you'll hear a sort of like ghostly scratching and immediately 58 quid will leave your wallet to go to the afterlife because they need afterlife medicine for ghost harley.

It really is a long commitment with this cat. Just a glowing portal, like a stargate opening every so often and. Can you imagine just a glowing portal like a Stargate opening every so often in your flat and just a paw reaching through it and rifling through your wallet

taking out 20 quid and pissing off again. Daddy. I need 50 quid. Well, we got through one email. This has been the Notebook Show.

We'll be back on Thursday with more of this nonsense. I enjoyed that. I don't know about you guys no this was a Stakhanov production