The Luke and Pete Show - The Flute and Pete Show

Episode Date: December 28, 2020

Luke and Pete are back with more wonderful Christmas nonsense! On today’s episode, Luke shares the news about a rather explicit Nativity scene, while Pete tells us all about a dog walker’s shocking story - involving a suspicious green cyclist and an unexpected limp. Elsewhere, we hear about the flute disasters of a silent musical maestro and how one Christmas Carol service ended up reciting Tupac lyrics instead of Catholic prayer. Grab a mug of tea and a slice of Viennetta and join us!Email us over at [e-mail]! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

oh yeah i've got to start on me this is the luke and pete show it is monday it is uh the 28th of december oh luke in that weird spot between christmas and new year doesn't it feel weird it's not as if the whole world has felt weird for bloody ages or nothing. It's a weird continuation this year, isn't it? And I would also like to say that we just asked producer Nat to start the show and that you didn't do anything to the point where Nat had to come off mute on her mic and say, come on, which is amazing.

Come on, come on. I like it. But yeah, it's a weird time of year generally. It is. I was just saying to you, Pete's a weird time of year generally. It is. I was just saying to you, Pete, you know, there's nothing to do, is there? Let's be honest. So what I did today is I went for a long walk this morning, got back, poured myself a pint of tea.

That's the level of debauchery going on in West Norwood in this perineum of the season. Banging a bit of that chocolate flavour Baileys in it, just to give it a little bit of a kick, a little sonic. So as I was saying to you the other day, Peter, in a slightly different context, I'm happy to have the Baileys discussion and I think we should have it now. My only exposure really to Baileys is twofold.

One is that Alan Partridge orders one small Baileys for Lynn in the hotel bar when he offers to buy a drink. And the second one is our friend and colleague over on a different show, the Football Ramble, Marcus, doesn't drink, but he did once let slip in conversation about 12 years ago that he occasionally has a Baileys. So every time we go to the pub or when we used to go out to the club,

we used to try and make him drink Baileys, and we would all drink Baileys to encourage him. That's the only exposure I've had to Baileys ever. I don't think it was a thing in my household, but you have told me that it's a big Christmas affair in other households. Well, I reckon that Marcus's record is about four shots, maybe five shots. And I know exactly where it was. We were in Barcelona.

We were in a club called Kabul. And it was an interesting name for a club to be quite honest. Especially, it was right in the middle of a couple of wars. And yeah, and it was, yeah. And I forced at least two shots down Marcus Baller's throat. Was he drunk? I managed a couple as well. He was merry. He was approaching merriment. And yeaheller's throat. Was he drunk? He was married.

He was approaching merriment. Were you drunk? Oh, mate, I was. I'd had several bottles of Dooley's before I even started. The unofficial version of a beer lease. Dooley's is that toffee one, isn't it? Yeah, it's disgusting. It's the sort of thing you only see at Butlins when you're at ATP.

You go, I'll have a Dooley's, please, that little kind of purple and red, blue and red bottle. Yeah, I mean, somebody made a point. In fact, it was our silent partner, John, from Stakhanov, who made the point that it tastes like a latte. He wishes you were more silent. The latte, he wishes I wasn't involved at all. It tastes like a latte with a drop

of um cough medicine mixed in and i had some over christmas and i was like oh that is so bang on i can't drink baileys anymore he's ruined baileys for me how many different flavors of baileys can you get quite a few right well there was one big bottle that arrived in the house a little while ago but i'd already bought like a fancy bottle because that was the only one that was left. It was like a chocolate kind of liqueury version of Bailey's, a gold version, if you will. And I had most of a Viennetta to myself, poured a couple of glugs of Bailey on top. We've talked about this. Lovely old job.

You know, you're approaching 40. You can't do that. What do you mean? Decadent. It's probably about a month's worth of cholesterol in one sitting, in one episode of EastEnders. I reckon that Viennetta is like, I reckon that Viennetta is probably one of the more low-calorie

sort of ice cream snacks because it's so frozen chemically. It's almost like that Froyo stuff you can sometimes get. It's disgusting but lovely with Baileys on. I don't think that anything about Viennetta with Baileys being poured on it is low fat. For goodness sake, Peter. Listen, there was 190 calories in one small slice of Viennetta, which is a 70-gram slice.

I've just looked it up. Now, I don't know if I should be Googling how many calories in one whole Viennetta because that might set some kind of alarm with my wife. But I don't think anything about that is low-calorie. I think you know that. It's the lies I can't stand. I think 70 – what was it, 70 grams?

I'd say that's a heavier, sorry, it's not heavier, but a larger slice of Viennet than you realize because it's actually quite a light, fluffy, chemically snack. That's all I'm saying. Look, it's what I think, it's what I believe, and it's what I'll be telling the doctor in five years. Yeah, and the worst thing about all this for me, and you should do that, make a note of it,

roughly how many Vienneti units do you consume a week, Mr. Dawson? Listen, I only eat Viennetta when I'm out with my mates. I never eat it at home. Yeah, I pick the chocolate off. I just eat the white chemical. I think that you should seriously consider if you're going to partake in that type of stuff, just do a bit more of a high-quality thing because I feel more and more aggrieved

every week that you refer to me as a basic bitch when you are sat in front of EastEnders. All right, I've made that EastEnders bit up, but you're sat in front of the telly. I watch the Christmas Dayy. I watched the Christmas Day one, I watched the Boxing Day one as well. What I liked about EastEnders is that everyone's trying to kill Ian Beale,

which is amusing, and the thing about EastEnders is the really ugly men always are the spunk of the square. Like who? There's a guy who looks like Jimmy Somerville. He is always the one who everybody wants to have sex with, even though he's about 55 and he's balding and he's got a ginger beard.

Phil Mitchell? No, he looks a bit like Phil Mitchell. Is Phil Mitchell still in it? Phil Mitchell's still in it. Sharon's still in it, inexplicably. Ian Bale is somehow connected with some other people but everyone's trying to kill Ian Bale

and Ian Bale's this kind of like tragic comedic character and yeah, it's all going off in the square but they're kind of, they're not talking

about COVID but everyone looks quite socially distanced in the scene so the camera angles are quite jarring so to speak. Who would you say

is the spunk of Stakhanov? Probably Jim, isn't it? I guess out of me, you and John. It's probably John, isn't it? Oh, okay. Well, all right. I'd go with probably Mark Haynes. He's tall.

He's got a lovely beard. You've been on that, Zane. He's actually famous for being attractive. I know I have. And he texted me a few minutes ago with a video that will come very clear when I explain what I got for Christmas, or rather didn't get for Christmas, Luke Moore. Okay.

And so when it comes to Christmas, I'm reading I got for Christmas, or rather didn't get for Christmas, Luke Moore. Okay. And so when it comes to Christmas, I'm reading between the lines here, and we didn't cover this on our show last week, but I'm reading between the lines now and suspecting that you actually might be the basic bitch of Christmas. I will have you know I spent a good 10 minutes this morning pulling off all the keys of my mechanical keyboard

and wiping them down because last night late last night i spilt tisky all over my keyboard luke and that's your whose fault was that mine yeah it's lukey moore's fault that's a little bit a little bit of a lukey problem in my life right now yeah so i last night when i was sort of tidying up my filth after a little bit of cyberpunk 2077 i spilt um tisky all over my i thought that had been withdrawn furious i think it has yes i believe so yeah but i'm playing on the pc so um i'm falling through scenery all the time um people have mobile phones are floating in front of me i've not seen the willies out uh uh glitch yet but uh yeah it's it's a bit of a it's a bit of a mess before we do um anything

sort of else do you want do you want a couple of quick christmas stories because we are kind of still in christmas period right yeah i've got a couple here um one i mean both i really like but i'll start with the one i like the most um which is a story that came out of um a place i don't actually know where it is but it's in the uk somewhere called stretton um it might be up north not stretton as in the london district um stretton s-t-r-e-t-t-o-n if you are listening from anywhere in this stretton hello to you um but the stretton church nativity scene this year was rearranged to look like Mary is quote unquote, performing an act of sin on Joseph.

And the, the comment underneath the story reads as follows. Some vulgar person has rearranged the nativity scene at Stretton church to make it look like Mary is performing an act of sin on Joseph. By the way everyone it's a blow job by moving her nearer to him and changing the position of his shaft presumably some people think this is a funny thing to do but it's on the main crossroads in the village and is used by many families those who carried out the disgusting act could do well to

remember that we are in the midst of a pandemic and we should all be staying at home. Visiting our village to vandalise a nativity scene is not what I would call essential travel. Oh, so basically they're saying that some outsider with their sexy ideas came into the village and made Mary do a blowy on Joseph. I think it's bringing joy, isn't it? That's bringing joy if I was driving past that.

That is bringing joy. And to be honest, it's not like she's going to get pregnant because it was the divine birth anyway. He didn't go near her with it. So, look. That's what I'm going to say. I mean, if she knows how to do that, it does cast a lot of aspersions on the very idea

of her immaculate conception. Exactly. I mean, if you get pregnant from that, that is immaculate, I would say. And I should say, for those who aren't fortunate enough to see the picture I'm currently staring at, Joseph's penis does look very big. I mean, it's very large. It's probably the size of a small scaffolding pole, I would say.

It's a double pack of pringles can yes it's it's yeah sizable yeah it's it's look look maybe that's why it was a divine conception it would it just would not it just would not work physically would not work joseph hung like a divine dad yeah in many ways like in many ways, if Jesus was born, I mean, I'm probably going to be a bit offensive here, so apologies to those at Christmas as well. If Jesus was who he said he was, he's going to have come from a magnificent cock and balls.

Yeah, I guess so, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I don't want to talk about Jesus' dad's willy too much, but yeah, I can only imagine. It would be almost disappointing, wouldn't it? I think we've spoken about this before. It would be really disappointing if Jesus didn't have a magnificent... Have we spoken about this before?

Or you have? Maybe I did. Maybe we did off air. I don't know. Anyway, moving from that delicate matter of Jesus' father's appendage to my second favourite Christmas story of the week, which actually broke on Christmas Day, which I like. So I think someone might have had this in their back pocket for a wee while,

but it got published in the morning of Christmas Day. Do you know what? It was published in The Independent online. It was probably scheduled in, wasn't it? Let's be honest. Yeah, CMS. Schedule. Schedule that stuff in.

And it's one of the biggest Catholic Christmas services in Sri Lanka, around 1,000 programs were printed, accidentally printing the words to Tupac's Hail Mary instead of the Christmas carol of the same name. So, for example, come with me how mary run quick see what do we have here i ain't a killer but don't push me revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting it's been it's been um what's it called uh blocked out so you can't see it um peeped a weakness in the rap game and sewed it uh hell mary catch me if i go let's go deep inside the solitary mind of a madman who screams in the

dark i'm a ghost in these killing fields it's similar i mean the solitary mind of a madman who screams in the dark isn't dissimilar no i mean it's almost kind of like Old Testament, isn't it? It's very good. Look, I mean, what I would say is that if you can speak English and you do copy and paste that from an internet site, I mean, just give it a cursory glance before you just, you know, go to print, so to speak. I'd love to know. They need a follow-up story here.

We need 500 words on whether they sang it or not. That's what we need. And I think I absolutely love a carol concert. And one of the best, I mean, I might have mentioned this before, but I went to a carol concert at Southwark Cathedral a number of years ago because I agreed to help someone out who was doing some work for it and um it was actually amazing it was brilliant and and it was because it was this charity event they leveraged all these people to do um to do to lead the singing to lead the carols right right so you

had um the saturdays did a song you had, who else was there? I think Hugh Grant might have been there doing a reading. It was brilliant. And it's just, and Southern Cathedral, as I'm sure you know, Peter, is a magnificent building. Nothing wrong with the nativity scene at Southern Cathedral, let me tell you that. Tight on security there.

And so I do miss a carol service generally because of these strange times we're living in. Would I enjoy it more if we did a Tupac song? I think I would actually. Yeah, I'd get down to it. As long as they were just careful with the N words and the blaspheming, I reckon I would happily sit down to sing that. So some would say that blasphemy is a victimless crime, right? Some wag would say that.

But would you draw the line at blasphemy if you were in a building of god in a house of god i depends on what bullets those uh that that that that uzi is shooting effectively yeah good if you i don't know if you are popping caps into jesus's hands to attach him to the the cross so that his blood may fill us all. I've gone down me pickled pears, me salted pears. Do you remember when you didn't remember how Jesus died? Yeah, yeah. Was it about rolling away the stone or something? I can't really remember.

Yeah, I think you might have been labouring under the misapprehension that he might have suffocated in a cave wasn't he poisoned didn't he drink some we don't know could have been no no don't know do we but um so so what i'm asking you is if you were in a house of god would you try and not blaspheme is what i'm saying yeah i'd i'd try i'd try not to do that that's that's that's just number one that's just that's just um wipe your feet on the carpet not on the carpet yeah wipe your feet on the carpet rather than wiping it on the bit next to the door that has got a little bit more fiber to it yes and and how do you stand on the lar David subject of taking one's shoes off when going into a house?

I've said this before. I will offer, but if someone makes me do it... Oh, if you don't like it, do you? Yeah, I don't like it. You can come into my house, muddy as hell, and just smear mud all up the walls. I don't care. I don't want to be one of those houses

where I insist on people taking their shoes off. Take shoes off you know me love japan love everything about it love the the taking the shoes off kind of uh you know the thing that they they insist on but it's just accepted that you do it don't ask me to do it because that would upset me i think and what do you do with your the two dogs that you've got access to when they come in after a muddy walk i get i one of them um uh almost ruined uh our new sofa um by running all over it earlier on today but we managed to get the mud off it i've started sort of giving his giving his or her little feet a little scrub on the on the on the carpet before he comes in. You know, Jules Breach is absolutely steadfast in her rule about not letting little Pablo up on the sofa. Right, okay.

She'd be crying and whining to get up. Oh, no, that's so sad. Later on, let little Pablo on the sofa, Jules Breach. Awful. The life of Pablo. Should we take a little break, Peter? When we come back, we little Pablo on the sofa, Jules Breach. Awful. The life of Pablo. Shall we take a little break, Pete? When we come back, we can do some more stories, some more madness, and maybe a couple more emails as well.

All right, then, let's do it. This week on Stakhanov. Over on the Luke and Pete show, we've been discussing our usual nonsense from Disney princesses to fizzy lagers and a whole load more. Here's a taster of what's been on the show. For some reason our little recording system has got this piece of music installed

I think it's incidental music in a sex ed BBC 2 10am kind of job. No way! It is! It's too groovy! Yeah it's like now on BBC 2 sex and your child meanwhile over on wrestle me we've been doing the 12 days of wrestle memos which you can find on

our patreon or your favorite podcast player that's why also america is like leading the world in serial killers you know because they have serial killers. Because they have rum. They have rum to dismantle. To dismember. To dismantle, dismember, yes. To start to make marionettes. Over here, very difficult to be a serial killer. I would knock into things.

You would. I'd get blood everywhere. But there's always some nosy beak, isn't there? Someone sticking their nose in where it doesn't belong. All that and more at Stakhanov. And we are back. This is the Luke and Pete show. If you'd like to get in touch with the Luke and Pete show,

we've been asking for your emails. And I'll tell you what, you've done quite well. Some people have resent emails they've already sent. Some people have sent us Christmas stories and stuff like that. Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. That's Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com if you would like to get involved. Luke, have you got an email to kick us off? I have indeed.

It's a very good one and it references me, the bombshell that I unveiled. Do you unveil a bombshell? What do you do? Detonate a bombshell, I unveiled do you unveil a bombshell what do you do detonate a bombshell i guess yeah i detonated a bombshell last week that i uh for a short period of time for no reason whatsoever um embarked on a journey of playing the flute at school i think i was about eight or nine maybe yeah about that kind of age anyway on that basis is a belting story from christian weirdly he's called christian after what we've been talking about um but anyway that's a coincidence

he says hi the luke and the pete uh like luke i played the flute as a child at my mum's insistence did i say that my mum insisted on it i mean it's possible she did she was very kind of big on making me play musical instruments um after six years of half-assed commitment, I scraped my grade three before sacking it in, says Christian. Musical maestro I was not. When I went to secondary school, I joined a local wind band. Every summer, the wind band would go on a tour to an exotic European country, bracket Spain.

It was always Spain. So I was very keen to join so I could end the school year by going to the beach and water parks with my friends and having to play the odd show in some town square to geriatric Spaniards. The conductor was a flautist himself and was excited at the prospect of another male playing the flute. Sadly, I did not live up to his expectations.

In my first rehearsal, I was playing the flute sadly i did not live up to his expectations in my first rehearsal i was playing second flute after giving what i believed to be a decent account of myself i then found myself relegated to third flute by the second rehearsal along with the other students whose contributions to the band were punctuality and not musical talent i mean how many flautists they have in this damn band presumably three um i quickly realized that my contributions to the band were insignificant i also realized that the only time people would have to hear me play was my tuning note at the start of each rehearsal so through countless rehearsals and numerous concerts i mastered the art of pretending to play the flute recognizing that my silence was probably better for the band's performance i maintained the

pretense for two years purely so i could go on the summer tours looking back it wasn't worth it on my first tour we were driving back from barcelona on a coach and our driver fell asleep at the wheel somewhere in france he veered into a motorway barrier waking himself and the 30 or so students and teachers up before over correcting the other way and slamming the rest of the coach into the same barrier glass shattered and a clarinet case fell onto my head um with the back of the coach hanging off my my driver our driver was taken away by french police saying fuck it i was going to retire soon anyway so in summary don't play the fruit and otherwise a driver from sunderland will cause a clarinet case to hit you on the head in the middle of france i will attach a photo of the coach's damage for proof but it's stuck on my old motorola razor cheers christian oh i've not

from dusk till dawn? I'm not going to get my pension. Oh, no. Crazy. I didn't know I was going to get my pension. I'll tell you what, though. There is something in that, though, Pete. The idea that could you, in theory, and music experts,

classical music experts will need to get in touch on this, could you, in theory, play play as i don't know the fourth piccolo in a massive orchestra and it never really matter but you could be in like a really well respected like london philharmonic or something but i understand you'd have to do all these tap all these auditions and all this stuff to get there but But what I'm saying is, if someone like me had a rudimentary understanding of the piccolo, I don't, but if I did, could you just drop me in there? And if I didn't do anything, would anyone notice? Yeah.

Who is that traditionally talented QPR footballer who sort of pissed up a wall? Oh, Adel Tarat. Adel Tarat. Could you like kind of get to a position and then just piss it all off and just not play a single note for about three years and nobody will really notice?

Well, you did used to get. I mean, there's a film about it called Kaiser about a particular guy in Brazil who played for, quote unquote, played for a load of really big football teams. And I think he might have been a really good friend of Romario's, but he never actually played a game.

He was always injured or unavailable. And he managed to kind of play around in other different clubs. And I think that that's probably how bad he was is probably overstated because I'm sure he would have trained and he would have had to have done a little bit. So I'm sure he would have been decent, but he never actually played and he still managed to kind of eke out some kind of career. So this idea of bluffing your ticket is probably a lot more possible than most people give it credit.

I think a lot of it is just based around confidence, right? I mean, tell us what the fucking bus driver bluffed his way. Bluffed his way into the Central Reservation. Fucking bus driver bluffed his way. Bluffed his way into the central reservation. When I was in orchestra, my teacher, I used to do the same thing. So I used to just mime. I used to mime, mime, mime.

And my teacher moved me instead of away from first chair, she moved me to first chair. Now, if anybody had had any kind of like... What instrument was this? Violin, violin. I was terrible at it, but I would do exactly what this person's doing. I would pretend that I was playing just to get through another lesson.

I wouldn't practice. I was awful at it. But what I would do is just play the long notes and then if there was anything slightly intricate, I would mime. And so the teacher would move me towards, she moved me to first chair, I think just to keep an eye on me, to be quite frank, rather than move me further away,

because I'm only going to get worse if I'm further away. What song were you playing? I don't know. What's that? Is that Chase Kofsky? That one and a couple of others. But, yeah, I just remember getting every lesson every um kind of practice i'd turn up and at the end of my street and uh you know i didn't have to go that

far to actually do the the lesson if i'd actually applied myself i probably would have uh got a bit more out of it but uh but no i you're the opposite to me aren't you so i think you're probably you're probably a lot better at violin and you're making people believe boy your story there but i'm someone who goes the other way i'd say everyone everything and then have to worry about how i'm gonna fulfill it so like so for example when um when i was first trying to get a job in l when I first moved here without a job, my policy was just to answer yes to every question. Because my rationale would be, well, look, if they say to me, can you do Photoshop, right, I'll just say yes because if they offer me the job, I'm probably going to have a month to learn it and I'll just learn it, right?

Yeah, damn right. I mean, that is literally what happened at Capital Radio and I never learned it, but they never asked me to use it. So I don't know why they asked me to do that anyway. Yeah, so we've got you a computer with Photoshop on. Can you cut out this picture of DJ Neil Francis? And you say, yes, but I've got the toilet, and then you don't come back for half a day.

Well, one of my first experiences at Capital Radio was standing outside the toilet while watching out for people coming so Johnny Vaughan could smoke in there. Well, there you go. And then he thanked me by taking me to the canteen and buying me a yogurt. And that is a perfectly true story. Frighteningly intense, man. I mean, I can't prove it so i might be i might get busted

for saying it but um it definitely happened so the skills you what i'm trying to get at is the skills you needed were different to what they said in the interview because they're not going to say in the interview some of our djs are mad um yeah will you be all right being around them because they're probably not going to get away with that so all i'm saying is the expectations are different but i think for you, Pete, I reckon you probably were actually pretty good at the violin because I know you quite well, but you're just underplaying it

and you probably haven't got the confidence to kind of push through. I think you could probably pick it up again now, mate, and go to the very top. Yeah, I think so. 39 is when I start my violin or viola career. I think I'm correct there. I've probably got everything.

I've probably got a cello as well. We went to Naples and we saw that soloist. Were you impressed by that as someone who's got a nodding appreciation? And that whole auditorium just had no magnification or amplification rather. It was just so beautifully set up. You had to almost strain toification rather. And it was just so beautifully set up.

You had to almost strain to hear it, but it was just so beautiful. It kind of cut through. And there was some stuff that he was doing was just absolutely batshit, but in a wonderful way. It was very enjoyable. And I was incredibly hungover and quite sleepy.

So, you know, it happens. I was going to say, because my memory of it was just you getting pissed. Yeah, that is a weekend away with me. I'm absolutely happy with that. But unlike other people in our company, I know when to go home. We got messages from Alec talking about people coming into the town for local people in Sutton or Netton or wherever the hell it was.

I believe it's in East Midlands. I did a little Google. Oh, Stretton. Stretton, yeah, it's in East Midlands. I did a little Google. Oh, Stretton. Stretton, yeah. It's in East Midlands, apparently. Some people are going to be upset that somebody had come into the village apparently. Somebody from this village would never do that sort of thing. But Alec Lodge,

we were talking about weird Facebook groups about local villages and towns and stuff like that. Check out this batshit crazy post from one of the village groups I'm in. There's so much going on and the comments are crazy i'm 100 sure it's genuine and not some weird joke and reading it yeah to be honest it does doesn't sound like a weird joke it sounds like a person who's absolutely petrified about what they've seen um a resident on the facebook page

has written myself and my husband took our dogs for a walk over the farmer's field. We crossed over something road towards something church. It's been redacted for just, you know, niceness. We were walking by the footbridge of a public walkway and there was a male cyclist in fluorescent green with a cycle engaged in a sexual act with another guy bald and wearing jeans. So man with fluorescent green top engaging in a sexual act with another guy bald and wearing jeans. They were both

middle-aged and white. Not sure if it's connected, but there was also a blue van parked outside the church. Don't bring the blue van into it. What's he done? Going out loud. The man in jeans ran and hid while a cyclist remained sitting on the ground. Just resting up. As you can imagine, it was quite shocking. We had to double back to avoid

them and by the time we got home, our dog was limping. What? Why is the dog limping? Oh, my word. Do you see what you've done to my dog? My dog limp. It's so sexy. It seems to be so sexual.

His legs are gammy. Yeah, it was really shocking, especially since the guy on the ground stayed there until we'd left. What's that guy? The guy who's just sat on the ground, what's his play there? What's his tactic? I think he's doing the same tactic as when the dinosaurs are in the kitchen in Jurassic Park.

Oh, yeah. Good idea, actually. Their vision is based on movement the facebook botherers uh their vision is based on uh this no i don't i think that's that's erroneous because it's the t-rex whose vision is based on the t-rex right okay yeah i understand so what he's going for there is he's going for the kind of if i just completely refuse to engage with what's happening here. They've got no hand to play.

They can't come, they can't say anything. Until the camera phones that comes out, I think it's, yeah, I think it's a decent play personally. Just stay there for the rest of your life. Pretend you're a gnome. Because you were chasing after someone who stole your phone in Hampstead Heath once, weren't you? Yeah, exactly. Yeah, stole my watch.

Stole my watch. But the thing is... Sorry, is there more to this story? There's a little bit. I don't know why... Yeah, it just sort of... I don't know why it's... I don't know why they've written this at the end.

Our dogs are quite recognisable. I kept looking around worried they may have turned aggressive at the thought of being caught literally with their trousers down. Yeah. Yeah. And Facebook is now really... I'm not on Facebook, but as far as I understand it,

Facebook now is basically suburban residents terrified someone's going to steal their dog, suburban residents who've lost their dog, and fascist memes. Yeah, that's pretty much it, to be honest. Yeah. The replies that sort of come out behind this Facebook page, somebody's written, has this been reported to the police?

Someone else has written, still, good food. Not a clue what that means. How recognisable are these dogs? Are we talking celebrity dogs here? Where would I have seen them then the next one is why would two men having sex make a dog limp that's the question yeah yeah and then the final one was that you and your dog sound like disgusting homophobes the the um the the tv series you can see those dogs on is a very successful long-running

series called crufts uh and they're what some of the main parts in it actually but but i was gonna this this has just reminded me of um of um so i don't really know the law around sex sexual acts in public i i did my friend a good friend of mine is a police officer uh of i think of some reasonable rank now depressingly because we were getting older and i did ask him once back in the day in the pub and he did tell me but i can't remember but something that's reminded me of there is some kind of legality around it but i can't remember yeah yeah you can't just be bombing in the street i mean that is is it that's how we met it doesn't matter what village you're in but anyway

this same friend who I won't name obviously because he's got a proper career he told me once that he was on a patrol on his own in the middle of the night some of these blocks and he's driving around

in his patrol car, and he's in this little industrial estate, and he saw a quite large man dressed essentially like a – well, basically dressed like a – I don't know how you'd describe it, but he had high heels on, fishnets, women's underwear, makeup on, and he was just wandering around this industrial estate, right? But he was just on his own. And so my friend, I suppose...

Say again? No fair, no foul. My friend got out and said, oh, all right. And the guy was really paranoid, obviously. He was like, please don't arrest me, please don't arrest me. And my friend was like, well, I'm not going to arrest you. You're not committing a crime here.

You're walking around dressed like that in an industrial estate. I might ask you a couple of questions out of interest or whatever, but you've not committed a crime, so don't worry about it. And the guy just walked off. And I just think to myself, you must see such stuff like that. Cool stuff. Yeah. But then sometimes you see some horrific stuff as well, right, where you see such stuff like that. Cool stuff. Yeah. But then sometimes you see some horrific stuff as well, right,

where you see someone who's been killed or whatever. It's not great, is it? No, it's not ideal, is it? No. But anyway. If you are going to walk around an industrial state at night, do wear high vis, whatever you're wearing other than that. Do wear a hard hat.

It is a place of work. So just look after yourselves, all right? Yeah, and if you're wearing other than that do wear a hard hat it is a place of work so just just look after yourselves all right yeah and if you're listening to the show and you are um either because we get quite good like in in a quite depressing way although i'm very very i'm very grateful for it we get a lot of pilots who listen we get a lot of um lawyers who listen as well i don't know we've had that many policemen apart from that guy in Baltimore who used to go on stakeouts and take shits and take away containers and listen to our show. That's right, yeah. But if you are a police officer or a law expert,

email in and tell us about the legality around what we've talked about today because it is interesting to me and it will probably be a big weight off both of our minds, Pete, knowing that we're not committing any crimes. Not what we're having about, no. Not when we're out and about, no. Good stuff. You can get Dutch. Hello at lucanpeachshow.com. That's how you do it.

Yeah. And what day is it today? Monday. It's Monday. We'll be back on Thursday, won't we? Yeah, we will. Sweet. Let's do it. Oh, it'll be New Year's Eve on Thursday. We can talk about all the things we've achieved this year. Fuck off. We'll see you then thanks very much for

listening stay in touch hello at lucapietra.com as Peter has already said I've been Mary Lucimus he's been the Rabbi Peterson we'll see you on Thursday

ta ta this was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST creative network This was a Stakhanov production and part of the ACAST Creative Network.