The Luke and Pete Show - The Skewer in the Hand: A New Forest based King Arthur

Episode Date: February 28, 2022

Pete’s living in his own world and he’s making the rules, which makes for one scary society if we’re honest. We hear all about the rules in his kingdom and they are as expected.... interesting.  In the second half, we finally get round to our hand hurting special and warning, it's not for the faint heart. We hear about a medical marvel of a pinky and an unfortunate story relating to conkers and a meat skewer.Are you a medical marvel? Let us know, email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Feel free to give us a follow while you're there. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh, pinch-punch last of the month. This is the Look of Peachy on the 20th of February. My name is Pete Donaldson and my side chick is Mr. Luke Owen. He's with me now. You all right, Luke? I'm all right. How are you doing? I'm all right, mate. Everything's fine in Petey Town, to be quite frank. Although I am reeling from what can only be described as one hell of a tax bill. I am eating beans and rice.

Good job I bought, invested in that Ninja Air Fryer I can fry all my beans in and my rice cooker. Sweet beans. I mean, I think I'm sort of finding out why I'm in such tax strife because I've spent all my money on consumer electronica in the kitchen. But Pete, if you are living in Peat Town, presumably you have some kind of say over their tax policy. That's right, actually, yeah.

You're the mayor of Peat Town, right? I could declare McClare, Peat Town, a tax haven, I suppose, couldn't I? I wouldn't like to live in Pete Town because I would worry who's making the buses run on time. We'd have a load of buses, though. We'd have loads of kit, nobody to drive them. They'd be electric buses. They'd be electric buses.

No electrical infrastructure to charge them. Completely nonsense. All of them would end up at the bottom of a big hill. On their backs. Push them down on fire. Lovely old job. What else is Pete Town all about these days? You've got a lot of consumer electronica.

Life, liberty, fruit of the loom and hard drugs, baby. It's going to be like that town in The Wire where you can just stick whatever you want in your arm. And I'm not going to stab you. Hamsterdam. Yes, that's it. Pete, did you just say hard drugs then to make yourself sound cool to the youth listening yeah yeah i um i was talking to uh one of our producers uh yesterday uh uh who produces um

jack made happy hour and a couple of others uh we were talking about how humorous uh you know that talk to frank website yeah we were talking were talking about Meow Meow. Do you remember Meow Meow? Yeah. Right. On the Talk to Frank website, it says, it basically has a list of like side effects for taking, I think it's methadrone,

which is presumably Meow Meow. Yeah, that's right, yeah. Yeah. And so like they use words like, you know, confident, talkative, euphoric,

very affectionate towards the people around you. These aren't short words, but it can also make you urgently need to poo lots. Like people can sort of understand like a grown up word for poo. You don't need to go, I need a big shit, big old shit. I'm just on the website now.

Although you famously have taken drugs to help yourself poo, right? If only mate, if only I had the drugs in the house to make myself shit myself inside out. I would love that. That would be a Pete holiday. And I think that's what should come out the taps in Pete Town.

Diuretic water. In Pete Town, there's no public toilets because people only need to use them once a year. I just looked at the website. I didn't even know the Talk to Frank website was even a thing. So for those listening internationally, this was like a campaign that was run several years ago

for people to get information, honest and clear information about drugs, which is obviously a very good thing to do. I'm looking at it now. It's an amazing resource. There's a drugs A to Z there. I could choose exactly what I want to do next. I'm full of energy. I'm going to have to take a mephedrone.

I also like, do you know what I also like about this? So mephedrone, as far as I know what I also like about this so mephedrone as far as I know and I may sound like the world's oldest grandad but as far as I know when it was when it was the big thing

it was this kind of street legal drug which I think was then later made illegal yeah it was that wasn't it like pitched by the Daily Mail

as like plant food in the same way they describe ether as hippie crack that's right so hippie crack is just the weirdest one because that's basically

just what? Nitrous oxide or something? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but the point I was going to make, Pete, is that you started off by calling it meow meow, which is something that the tabloids just started calling it. On this Talk to Frank website of all these different drugs, there are so many different, quote, street names

under the also called section, which I don't think any of them are real. It's basically just like chris morris in brass eye listen to the different ones for methadrone right right yeah is anyone real really is anyone calling it white magic is that now that sounds like any white magic the song white magic what ironically david blaine White magic? Ironically, David Blaine. Because all magic is... I would say that magic out of all of the sorcery is quite white.

It's quite kind of like basic stuff. There's no spice to it. Magic is lame. Magic's not real. Magic's not real and magic is lame. No, but there is some magic. I think there's some magic out there that exists, Pete, that you would be impressed by and you'd go fucking hell.

That is amazing. I just don't like being tricked. I just don't like being lied to. I just think it's a waste of my time and the rest of their time. It's magic outlawed in Peak Town. It is, yeah. No magicians allowed. No.

It's the no magicians allowed club. Yeah. I've never liked magic. I've never liked people who... Because, look, it's one of those things where, you know someone who can play the violin or the piano or can speak a foreign language? They've spent months learning that.

It's more than that, isn't it? It's years, quite obviously years. It is years, yeah. Everybody who is a practitioner of magic, I get the feeling that... The thing I find lame about it is that they practice it loads and loads of times. And the effect is... I'm just imagining them in their bedrooms playing with some cards,

like for ages. And the effect is always quite whelming, but the idea and the practice is underwhelming for me. So what you're saying is you don't relate to magic because you have to stick at it to be good at it, and that's not what you want to do. Yeah, absolutely. But is there any kind of magic trick?

Have you seen the film The Prestige? Yes. Brilliant. Good movie. Yes. Good movie. David Bowie as Nikola Tesla. Yeah. Fucking help me. I'm so impressed by your memory on this.

I'll tell you for why. Because Gav Murphy, Daniel Krupa, we were talking about them a couple of weeks ago, I think, they're obsessed, weirdly, with Christopher Nolan's The Prestige. So my Twitter algorithm just throws a lot of Christopher Nolan's The Prestige. Do they think it's a good movie? They think it's an excellent movie. They think it's Nolan's best work.

And they put on a screening in East London at one point because they love it so much and they genuinely think it's the best film. I don't subscribe to that view, but I think it's charming that they really like it. Pete, what is the best film? Best film? Oh, excuse me.

Turn your fucking notifications off, mate. Disrespectful to a fellow pro broadcaster. Well, I presumed it would come through on my headphones if indeed there was any noises to be made, but clearly my computer has different ideas about it all. Surely it does. Yeah. Oi, oi, oi.

What was I going to say? It was the best film. The best film is Indiana Jones and the Temple of Jutum. Oh, actually, speaking of that film, Data out of The Goonies. And was it Short Round he played in that film? Indiana Jones?

I wasn't aware that it was the same actor, but that's probably a gap in my knowledge. Same actor. He's back for a new film with the woman who's in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Kim Yor, I think that's what her name is. He's been in theing Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Kim Yeo, I think her name is. He's been in the film industry I think for 20 years, 30 years

and he's never sort of, since short round, he's not done any acting. But this film suddenly just sort of made him, someone gave him a script and he went, I want to do this film. And he's not done a film for 30 years. Isn't that charming? That's really cool.

He's Vietnamese, right right from what I remember I think he might be Chinese American but he's got I can't remember his name it's terrible of me but it's three it's three syllables

it's three names sort of oh Jonathan K Kwan yes that's the one it's Jonathan okay cool yeah so cool good to see him back.

Why did you choose Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and not Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull? I think everyone agrees. I just think it's one of those films that I think I've watched more than any other film and I bloody love Indiana Jones. Do you know what? Wouldn't get him wrong.

When COVID cancelled Christmas to Christmas before last, it was the wife I have access to and me in the house with the two cats I have access to. Yeah. Obviously, it's weird because, I don't know if we talked about it at the time, I don't think we did, but the one thing that really brought that home to me

was the idea that, of course, it's horrible not to see your family and the rest of it, but you, you just have so much time. Well, you can't leave the house. No responsibilities. There's nothing to do. So like, when you go,

I mean, back when we were saying in our early 20s, you go back to where you're from and you catch up with all your pals and you'd basically be squeezing it all in to the week and a half or whatever it is you got

off of Christmas. Like for us, because our office shut and we couldn't leave the house because of COVID, Mimi and I were a bit like, this is cool's nice to spend time together but what are we actually going to do now anyway cut a long story short ended up downloading the latest Civilization on my on my piece on my MacBook which I've not told everyone about the time which was fun

but we also ended up watching all the Indiana Jones movies because like we haven't seen them for ages they're kind of Christmassy in a way they're kind of blockbuster-y so it's kind of a bit of an event um event bit of cinema. And we put the first three on. Great. Enjoyed them. I thought, we're going to be completists about this. We should really put the Crystal Skull on. I'm going to say probably four minutes in.

Nah. Even though I've got nothing to do for the foreseeable future and I literally can't leave the house, I'm not doing it. I mean, like, nobody kind of... Sitting down to that film, it was lovely to see him back. And the hero of Indiana Jones

kind of harks back to the times where superheroes had normal bodies. Just kind of... They'd be hairy, they'd be tanned, but they'd never have abs. Famously, yeah, like Arnold Schwarzenegger or Sylvester Stallone. They never had abs, did they, Pete? Well, I would say.

I can't remember Sylvester Stallone's abs, but was that a big part of his appeal? He was more chest and arms, wasn't he? That was the thing, though, wasn't it? You always say this. The strong men back in the day could just eat a lot and that would push very strong shoulders, chest and arms. That's it.

But I'm not saying that, I'm saying that sexy actors, never had abs, and they never had to really worry, about their body, if they were in their 30s, and they sort of kept themselves, relatively trim,

they could still be regarded, as sex idols, sex idols, is that a word? Yeah, it's a new show, Simon Cowell's doing it, actually,

yeah, you come on stage, and you show, on your own, you show your best come on stage and you show on your own you show your best sex moves on your own with all your clothes on

and then he presses a button and says yes or no and if he says yes you get to go through to the next round and if he says no you get your you get your appendage

chopped off and it's only open to men yeah I thought it might be like Suzanne Boyle come on and go I don't want to see her do it oh my god she's amazing oh my god oh god she's beautiful she's amazing wow lordy

you know what there's an interesting um um aspect of academic theory around 80s what they call hard body action heroes and it's it's everyone's everyone's everyone's muscular but like nowadays everyone's everyone's everyone's beautiful but no one's fucking or something like that it's everyone's beautiful but no one's sexy that wasn't what i was going to say and i don't disagree with that, but I was going to say that actually a lot of academic understanding or kind of theorising around that era of Hollywood with your Schwarzeneggers and your

Stallones and stuff, and to an extent your Bruce Willis' as well, is that some people have posited the idea that it's America's way of kind of puffing its chest out again after the failure of Vietnam. Right, okay, that's fairietnam right okay they tried to move the battlefield to like a more cultural battlefield and shown that they're still tough and they still

can do all this stuff and they're going to export that in a different way around the world because they're almost like imperialist intentions have failed in other areas which i find quite interesting actually yeah there's definitely something that said to be said but i mean i i think um on the on the hard body thing i think someone wrote a piece about how um back in the 90s and stuff like sex symbols and films were sexy and people were horny and they had sex and and and it was a sexy time but nowadays but nowadays every man is like steroided up they've got incredible abs they have to work for six months to get this body just for one film um and all of these superheroes are stunning looking maniac people who look like aliens like sexy aliens but there's no relationships

worth talking about in those films no one's horny no one's fucking no one's kind of using their their sexy body for for the for the way god intended and it's kind of like they're sort of saying well everyone has perfect bodies and everyone looks perfect but nobody's horny i think that's a lovely as well i remember speaking of the old um you know doing your personal training working out for six months to do a movie, right? Like, I was in Sainsbury's. Say again? I had a jog this morning.

I did three months just for this episode. I was in Sainsbury's a few weeks ago. I don't know if I told you, I've got this routine where the wife I have access to goes ice skating every Thursday night, right?

It's a big thing. I drop her off and there's like about 45 minutes to kill so I normally go to the Sainsbury's and buy whatever we need to get

because it's down right next door. But obviously sometimes there's time where I don't need to buy anything but it's not really worth going home again. So I end up just going

and having a look around the Sainsbury's or whatever and it's because it's in the evening it's quite an interesting time to be in the Sainsbury's because you've got people in there looking for the bargains. You've got,

it's very quiet. Anyway, Sainsbury's near you've got people in there looking for the bargains. You've got, it's very quiet. Anyway, Sainsbury's near me. It's got a really big non-food section and it's got all these books and you can just, it's basically a bit like a light,

like a really small, like, bookshop. So you can just look, stand around looking at the books. You call my life depressing. Good God. Well,

I haven't even, just in the Sainsbury's reading a Catherine Cookson. You haven't heard the half of it yet. Drinking, drinking half a Starbucks latte that you got out of the fridge. It is Partridge. There's no cafe there now because they changed it to an Argus. Now, that isn't depressing.

I don't know what is. But anyway, so I'm standing in this. Oh, look at these books. And I find this book. I promise you this is true. I find this book by a guy who has trained. I think it's Chris Hemsworth, a couple of the Marvel guys.

All the big boys, yeah. Daniel Craig for Bond. And he's got this book. And the book is, I can't remember the exact title, but it's like, I'm so-and-so, if you want to get a body like that,

read this book. And I was thinking to myself, fucking how stupid do you think people are? Exactly how stupid do you have to be to read that and go that's for me that'll be fine right everyone fucking knows that it's going to take six months of dedicated work and that these guys don't have proper jobs and that they can eat whatever they want and they've got loads of money and they've got chefs and they've got like uh and there's a very dark

side to those physiques i'm not talking about these particular ones but you know don't get the army ham a bit that's and he's eating a lot of protein at least the uh but but like there's a lot of steroids kicking around i mean it's clear like people are juicing and it's clear that people have massive food issues with food and stuff like that. I've said it before, whenever you would interview a young Hollywood actress, actor, female actor, she would always be just fucking pretending

she's eating a bloody bar of dairy milk at like eight o'clock in the morning. And I've said it before, like, you know, I am no interest in... What's wrong with that? You've got gotta start the metabolism off some way mate kickstart it yeah but it's just people are duty bound to sort of go i don't have an eating disorder look at me i'm eating dairy milk at like eight o'clock in the morning and it's sad and it's depressing but that's the that's the sausage factory that everyone's kind of into i suppose and also pete if you look at

the instagram side of it when you see blokes with their amazing rig or whatever, like, they only really look like that for like a day or two. Yeah. Like, you can't look like that all the time. It's impossible. No, no. You're just in the gym all the time, yeah. I don't want to be preachy or be a little bit too earnest

because there's lots of places on the podcast app of choice that you can find that kind of stuff but it is worrying for people who are sensitive or people of a certain age who think god that's fucking that's what i need to be like my lesson to them would just be this i'm 41 right i'm probably about two stone overweight right but i don't let it get to me the uh i i saw a picture of myself uh topless when i was 18 uh in my student house i can remember when you were quite ripped i can remember that i i got ripped about five years ago but longer oh yeah yeah i mean yeah it gets shorter in my mind but yeah it's probably not as

it probably you were not ripped in 2017 is that 27 jesus, how did that happen? All right, fine, longer. It doesn't matter. It happened. I achieved it, and then I let it all go to shit, all right? I will say, though, but for lads who want to do a bit of chest and shoulders and stuff, that sort of book... Oh, here we go. Put a jingle in here for Pete's picture. I'm just saying, guys, it kicks...

Like, you can get as big a gut as you want, but it does get, like the the broadness of the shoulder does stick around and sticks around longer than you think it is so just do a few months of that and you're good for about three years I think

genuinely are you as broad as me? I can't be as broad as you I was born with that look at that that span that width yeah

but um I was looking at myself because I have a real issue with it doesn't matter how skinny that was puberty it doesn't matter how skinny, that was puberty. It doesn't matter how, it doesn't, those beautiful darling buds. It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter how sort of, it doesn't matter how sort of skinny I get. I've still got this, I've got a fat back, Alan.

I've got no bum, I've got a fat back. I've got this little kind of saddlebag. And I saw a picture of myself when I was 18. You know, fucking whip thin. And I had quite, you know, the shape was that I had those little lumps in my back. So I'm like, fuck it then. Why am I bothered? Why am I worried about it? I've always been like that.

Don't worry about it then. I can't get rid of that. That's crazy. Yeah, literally, you're not going to, yeah, exactly. And that's just, and what it's all about is about accepting that, you know. That's your shape. That's your best shape. It's fine for you to look however you want to look

but it shouldn't be the the thing that you identify with it shouldn't be what defines you as a human being i i can remember being when i had a proper job loads of kids younger than me working in the same office there's people my age as well but loads of younger guys and i just think to myself like fair enough that you go to the gym all the time, and good for you, and it's good for your mental health, makes you feel better, gets the blood pumping, and all that good stuff,

exercise is a great, great thing, I'm not undermining it, but I think to myself, I just think to myself a lot, I'd have to be in meetings with these people, and you know that kind of 10 minute thing, before the meeting properly starts,

where you're just shooting the shit, they couldn't say anything, they had nothing to say. Well, when you watch Come Down With Me, and, not Come Down With Me Me, Dinner Date, where the young kids talk.

I've never seen it, but people recommend it to me a lot. Yeah, they're just kids who are, you know, they're in their mid-twenties and they meet up and they have a bit of dinner, you know, and one person gets cooked five meals by five different people or four different people, et cetera, et cetera. And that's all anybody fucking talks about is the gym.

I like a girl who takes care of herself. I like a boy who takes care of himself. I like, you know, what's your interest? A gym. It's like, that's not fucking... It's not interest. It's not interest, is it?

And gyms now are more boring than ever. It's just clanky weights and running machines. I like the idea of a girl saying... No medicine balls. I like the idea of a girl saying, yeah, I like a man who can take care of himself, but it just cuts to a picture of you falling off a roof.

Just being attacked by a big bear. Glasses smashed. Just a shot of Lord of the Flies. Me looking up from the fridge, just being lit by the fridge light in the dark kitchen with a big tub of ice cream looking over. What?

Anyway, let's have a quick break because we need to come back and do some emails. It's flown by already, this show, this Monday. Thanks very much for listening to us

if you are still with us. On the other side of the break, we'll do a couple of emails. Pete, are we going to do the hand hurt special because we've promised it? Yeah,

all right. Let's pile through a few hand hurts. Okay. We promise you this now. The other side of this break, every email you hear is going to be about how people have hurt their hands. Yeah, you're going to hurt your hands.

You're going to hurt your hands. They're the implements that are most out there for a human. They are. You'd think they'd be more durable. Yeah. See you in a minute. Have you ever wondered what happened to all those space age promises that previous generations thought we'd have by now?

You know, heading out for the day on your own personal flying cars or working on a space hotel somewhere in the far reaches of our solar system. Where are all those amazing inventions? Well, we're here to find out more on my new podcast, Where's My Jetpack? I'm Sarah Cruddas, space expert, TV host, and author. Join me and Luke Moore every week as we look into retrofuturistic tech that never was to decide whether it's still just science fiction or if some of these discoveries are actually a lot closer than you think.

I think we're very close to that happening on an even more regular basis. And what I think is interesting about that too is that's going to make the accessibility of getting to space available for more and more people. So, if you've ever wondered whether we'll one day speak to aliens light years away or you'll be flying to work on a jetpack, this is the podcast for you. Think of the car parking spaces. What do you mean?

No, the wings can fold up. Well, they don't exist. No, some of the cars which were designed had wings which folded up. Are you happy getting in a plane knowing the wings fold up? Yeah. I trust engineering. Trust the science. in a plane knowing the wings fold up.

Yeah. I trust engineering. Trust the science. Search Where's My Jetpack on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. Where's My Jetpack is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network. All right, we're back with Luke and Pete Shaw, and it's a hand-hurt special.

Apropos of nothing, I think it was me asked, have you ever hurt your hand? And good Christ, have you ever hurt your hands? I think it was me. I think most people of this parish would know 100%. It was definitely you. But to be fair, Pete, you've spoken to the listening community, and they've responded in kind.

Everyone's hurt their hands. Everyone's hurt their hands at some point. So Neil Pil pile is up first hello to you hello um i'll do neil why don't you follow up with a um with a um david cox afterwards yeah um lovely okay neil i'm gonna say he says hi guys read the worst hand injury ever seen a pinky with no middle knuckle please find attached pictures so neil has attached pictures of what i can only suggest are just as he describes um his the pinky finger on his right hand it looks horrific um he stand what's not made it better as a scene is that he seems to be standing in some kind of abandoned warehouse, which to me just reminds me of a horrible torture scene

in the TV show Gamora, which I recommend you watch as a TV show anyway. And he picks up the story and says the following. This is what happens when seven-year-olds look under manhole covers for insects slash small amphibians. Let's go right back to 1989. My mate had the idea to go bug hunting one school summer holiday, so he lifted up the drain

and as I put my hand inside, he instantly dropped it on me. Completely squishing my finger like something out of a Tom and Jerry cartoon. He shat himself and ran home. I went to find my mum and said, Mum, my finger's gone flat. Which led to her screaming not good for me we didn't think it was too serious but the nerves have been damaged so it didn't hurt too much we didn't have a landline then and mobiles were mere

science fiction and she gave me a backy on her push bike to the doctors who decided as a vein was turning dark purple possibly due to the filthy. I may have blood poisoning and could die. So off to hospital we go. I mean, why are you going to the doctor first? I know back then doctors were more important. You used to have doctors coming round your house, didn't they? Oh, yeah. You'd just go straight to fucking A&E.

Jesus Christ, we had them back then. But don't you think that's an 80s decision? Yeah, going to the doctor. Oh, my God, get him to the fucking hospital. Oh, what's an old fella i have i have nothing here that can help nothing there's a guy around the corner in an office with a beard and a bow tie he might be he'll know what to do your fingers fucked go to the hospital x-ray show my pinky says neil and the one next to it are expect as expected broken and in need

of operating to set straight and clean up after a couple of weeks the physio decides something's And the top bit just flaps about. Just flaps about. The top bit of your finger just flaps about. The X-ray shows a normal healthy finger with all the knuckles as they should be. Nothing wrong. So off I go again. Another few months pass and nothing is improved. So back I go.

And this time I was with two finger experts. I don't think that's their job title. I don't think that's in the email signature. That's my online handle for a long time. What do you do? Finger expert. He's a finger expert. And as many as six surgeons from all over the world

come to see the boy with the finger whose knuckle doesn't work. This time when I wake up, they had to put a metal rod through to strengthen it with a hook coming out of the top. A few months later, they yanked the rod out. The top bit flaps around all over again. And the knuckle still refuses to do what knuckles are supposed to do.

Apparently, I'm now in a medical journal as X-Row show everything to be fine. But everyone is baffled. I've now still got a funny pink and it's only good for nose picking and hurts when the temperature drops below zero degrees. And that's not a hand that's close zero degrees i don't know what to tell you if you're listening to this i'm sorry this is benji squeamish i can't figure it out because it's like the thing the thing about like emergent and i suppose you call it emergent kind of surgery where people just go i don't know what's

going on here let's just stick a pole in here and a little hook and try and just have a fart about oh that's not worked. But like, it doesn't seem to, like, he's saying the knuckle doesn't work. Like, what do you mean it doesn't work?

It doesn't bend? It doesn't kind of, right, it doesn't bend. Is that, is that why? Or just isn't there anymore? It's an absolute surgeon's dream,

right? Because they know that all is lost. So, there's no pressure anymore. You do what you want. Anything you do and get a positive result about is a bonus here. His fingers, he says it himself, it's flapping about like it's flapping about it's

useless so i mean i'm sorry it hasn't been rectified and i do i do sincerely want to say that you know if you if you listen to that and you didn't like it very much i'm sorry we probably should have put a warning beforehand um i'll be honest with you the next email is about a meat skewer. So you might want to take that under advice as well. What I like about it is it looks like he's in front of a load of maybe recycled metal. And I'm just scared that his already mangled hand, is this the perfect job for him in this warehouse? That his perfectly mangled hand can't be more mangled than it already is. So he's

just like he's like a gun for hire. I think the phantom useless finger has drawn him there. He has to follow the finger wherever he goes.

He's got a ring. He's got loads of metal all the time. He's got a ring on the next finger. Put it over the bad pinky. Have a pinky ring.

Cover that monstrosity up Neil for crying out loud. You reckon it'd be like a cock ring and it'd make it go rigid?

Yeah make it bright red? Maybe, yeah. Make it bright red and stuff. Neil, I'm sorry about your finger, but I mean... Thanks for getting in touch. Great story. It doesn't sound like it causes you that much bother, apart from when it gets cold. Maybe it can move to a warmer climate.

Isn't it funny when things... It happens when things get cold, because I've got a problem with my left knee, and when it gets damp and cold, it's really much more painful. My broken elbow. Like, it just gives me absolute jip when it gets damp and cold it's really much more painful my broken elbow like it's like it's just it just gives me absolute jip when it's cold weird very well why is that it's just kind of like your bones getting expanding no getting smaller expanding when it gets cold things expand don't they no maybe there's no science behind it maybe it's just myth

i don't know yeah maybe it is um is. David Cox has got in touch. Hi, looker Pete. I've not been lucky enough to be a beholder of bespoke batteries, so I haven't really ever had cause to write in. However, your request for hand-related injuries sent me into a traumatic journey into the past, namely the September of 2002, where Pink and Atomic Kitten topped the charts and Bear Blades were the toy of choice for most. At that time, age 11 11 i was still a conquer

enthusiast as they still hadn't decided to ban the barbaric sport at school just yet one saturday afternoon i decided to go looking for new horse chestnuts in the school field which backed onto our garden it was an easy commute a five and a half foot wall and bang i was there to build the impending scene for you uh i love the impending scene lovely turn of phrase um it's uh important to know that to bore the hole in conkers you need a sharp object to perforate the conker and tie a string in it on that day i decided to save myself time by bringing a meat skewer with me to conker to my conker foraging session safe and sound in a sainsbury's bag for life this i mean that is going prepared You're going to get arrested for it.

That bag is about to be used as some kind of tourniquet. Exactly, yeah. This is how the event unfolded. First move, chuck the bag over wall. Second move, scale wall with much overweight panting sound effects. Third move, jump and land safely. Oh, God. Third move, jump and land safely on the grass on the other side of the wall.

I'm pleased to say that 90% of all this list happened without a hitch. However, it was regretfully the safe landing stage that needed improving. I did land in a textbook, knees bent, crouched position, palms on the floor fashion. However, my right palm had connected with something, or rather, impaled through something. The meat skewer, somehow erect and upright inside the aforementioned Sainsbury's bag, went straight through my hand. I'm talking in one bit through and then comfortably out the other side. I'm not sure how or how lucky I had been, perhaps, but a sharp kitchen utensil missed all of the mares of cartilage, nerve endings, bone and muscles in my palm and made a neat route

through to the other end. Rather comically, Sainsbury's bag remained attached, so I looked like Jesus Christ mid-crucifixion mixed with Angelos Epithemu. Yeah, he's always got a bag of him on shooting stars. Yeah, my friend who accompanied me was quick to the action, yelling for my dad who was gardening over the water, come as quick as possible. He did, Howard, my dad, decide to do what all reckless patriarchs always do, perform the most irrational action they could think of at the time.

Oh, good God. I'm sure any medical professional listening would tell you to leave the foreign object inside. That's the most important course of action because an artery or vein might have been gut. So, of course, like a new forest-based King Arthur, Howard reached forward to his meat-skewered Excalibur and pulled it skillfully out of my hand.

A nurse would later go on to tell me that I probably would have died had it been near a vein, but thankfully I defied the odds. Alas, the meat skewer had passed through nothing but skin and a bit of tissue, and thankfully all I needed was a tetanus jab and a rather swollen hand to deal with for a few days. However, it will come with no surprise to know

that I packed in my conker career that day. Anyway, I was in secondary school now, so it probably was a bit lame anyway. Imagine jamming a Beyblade, the point of a Beyblade through your hand. That would be fucking cool. I don't even know what a Beyblade is. I'm so old, I don't know what a Beyblade is.

It's like a little spinning top, isn't it? So you could sort of put it in the hole and spin it around and go, yeah, I'm the most badass Beyblade boy in this bloody playground, to be quite frank. Wow, amazing. Real Big Fan of the show, guys. Always jealous to hear that you actually have decent neighbours.

David from Lewisham. I mean, because going back to the magicians thing, magicians do that trick where they just find where the vein isn't and the soft tissue, and they do jam stuff through their hand. I'm fairly certain that's the case. I don't know if I've ever seen a top-level magician do that. I think Blaine's done it a few times. He sort of jammed something through his hand, yeah.

Again, I may have been taken in by the magic. Yeah, you probably have. I'm going to leap to the defence of our friend David here because I think that, you know, it's very, very hard to predict that that meat skewer was going to be in that position. I thought he was going to say he was... And I'm sure you did, he was

jabbing it through a conker and his hand slipped and it went through his hand. Which would be the twist in the story. It's quite a remarkable one, really. He's thrown a bag with a skewer in it over the other side of the wall and the skewer has landed and stayed point up. It's not very likely to happen, is it?

No. No, you're right. So I do feel for him, but I don't think he's necessarily done anything wrong there. I mean, his dad has. Yeah, it could have gone in a much worse place, you imagine, jumping over a fence like that. So well done you. Yeah, so that's two of the, let's face it, many, many stories we have about hand-hurting

to the point where we're probably going to have to do some more next time as well. Certainly are. Bear in mind that, because we asked for the emails. People have cathartically sent them in. We've got to read them. to have to do some more next time as well. Certainly are. Bear in mind that because we asked for the emails. People have cathartically sent them in. We've got to read them. So we'll do some more on Thursday. But Pete, I think we should wrap up on that note

and send our very best to Howard. Yes. Who's David's dad, who hopefully will be still making those kind of decisions even now. Maybe David can give us an update about that. Hope Howard's well. You're never too old for Conkers, though. I'm just going to disagree on that point.

Or a hand injury. Yeah, I don't remember Conkers being banned in school, but that's a bit of a shame. No, yeah. I mean, they probably got replaced by rampant commercialism and just replaced by your bare blades and stuff like that, I suppose. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough.

All right, let's get out of here, Pete. We'll be back on Thursday for more of this. We'll do some battery brands as well. We'll squeeze those in and we'll do some more hand-hurting emails. I think there should be a better name for it than hand-hurting emails, but I can't think of one off the top of my head.

Anyway, if you like the show, get in touch. Email hello at lukeandpete.com. We are at Luke and Pete Show on all the old social medias. And if you also enjoyed what you heard today, leave us a five-star review wherever you get your pods. You can do them on Spotify now. I noticed that this morning.

Yeah, very nice. So yeah, do that if you're listening on Spotify too or if you're listening on Apple Pods or wherever. Anyway, that's it from us. Say goodbye, Peter. Goodbye, Peter.

Say goodbye from me as well. We'll see you next time. Farewell. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.