The Luke and Pete Show - Three kings bring fruits of the forest

Episode Date: April 18, 2022

Easter’s over, which means we simply must check up on Pete and find out how his stomach coped with the festivities.Luke then revels in some more animal stories, as we hear separate tales about an alligator and a lion cropping up in some pretty unusual locations.Do you have a good animal story? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete Show! Happy Monday! It's Easter Monday! You could be off work enjoying the Luke and Pete Show on some kind of sun lounger, if indeed it's sunny where you are, listening to the worst of the Luke and Peter. Many happy returns, everyone. Yeah, like our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ,

the Luke and Peter has risen again. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, two eggs. We're like two eggs. Two little eggs. Two podcast eggs. Yes. Are you a big egg consumer over Easter?

For me, there's always a talking egg that gets handed out a few weeks before Easter because you get excited and then you kind of forget to still have eggs remaining for the actual day itself. Yeah, I do like, I mean, for some reason it's a bit like, you know, when you drink Coke out of a glass bottle, it tastes nicer.

Yeah. Like chocolate as an Easter egg does taste nicer for some reason. It does, yeah. Nice cup of tea tea big half an egg but they're very consumable because you don't feel like you're eating much

because it's empty but in summary you are yeah I do like them I'm really trying to be

responsible with my diet these days because I just think oh man it's not going to get any easier

to be healthier as you get older and I don't want to be um yeah i don't want to be unhealthy as i move into kind of through middle age so i'm trying to be good so i probably will treat i have treated myself to an easter egg uh here and there a little bit here and there but i'm trying not to over indulge because as boring as that sounds not very good for you is it not very healthy no well i'm i'm uh in a situation where i didn't eat any eggs for the old uh for the old egg egg uh yeah egg egg but i did have my eye on one that i didn't end up buying in the end um right a crispy caramel egg chocolate coated licorice egg yeah that's better you that truly delicious and award winning classic this is from Lakritz by Boulot

Boulot and yeah bite into the speckled crispy shell to be met by silky smooth dulce chocolate and a punch

of our raw licorice powder to tickle your taste buds with a soft licorice core small flakes of sea salt

on it it just sounds amazing Lakrititz is Swedish licorice right? I think that's the Swedish word for it or is that a brand? I'm not sure because I remember I didn't know that when I was in Iceland years ago

I just bought a chocolate bar when we were out for a walk because it looked quite interesting and it was called Lacqueritz and it looked like a chocolate bar and inside it was just full of licorice awful yeah I mean if you're not just full of licorice. Awful. Yeah. I mean, if you're not a fan of licorice, and you do have that kind of ammonia salt kind of caper up there as well

with the licorice. They use this very pungent salt, not your excellent Moulton sea salt, but if you're not expecting it, it's like, Jesus Christ, this is like eating hair bleach, the pound form. Yeah, it's full on. You're a big kind of chewy sweets man, though, aren't you? Love a chewy sweet. I found in my partner's mini little glove box

a box of old fizzy sweets from a cinema trip I think we made about six months ago. They weren't in the best of condition, i have to say uh and my stomach told me about it uh for quite some time afterwards but i regret nothing i love a fizzy sweet i think the remarkable thing for me and for people listening is just how little you do learn your lesson yeah but i understand you've got a delicate, but you just need to acknowledge that. But you just keep making really poor decisions. Yeah, I just like food. No stomach has ever experienced more chemicals than yours.

Yeah, do you know what? It's not even the chemicals itself. It's the time of day that I'm consuming it. I'll start the day very happily with a Tangfast stick, and your stomach's going, Peter, work up to this. This should be the sort of thing you're consuming late at night or later in the day. Don't start the day

like this because you will never recover. No. It's like when our Carl Pilkington said that the reason he wouldn't want to do the eating challenges on I'm a Celebrity, like eating a kangaroo knob, is because of the time difference and for the viewing pleasure of the people in the UK

you're eating it first thing in the morning yes okay if it's in the evening maybe I have time to have a couple of drinks or whatever it's a lot easier

and as he famously said you could eat a knob at night but you couldn't eat one first thing in the morning for you you know that but you do it anyway so I don't eat anything

too problematic until way i i don't eat anything too um problematic until way after like i don't know three four o'clock you gotta give you your tum tum time to warm up don't they call the stomach the second brain what does that mean like as in i think i think a lot of people will say that like the stomach is is basically the second brain because it's got so much like so many like i think i think it's essentially like a different a different type of nervous system but a nervous system nonetheless in your stomach okay so it's like basically so does it do the same thing as your brain though because your brain as you sleep it washes out all of the toxins in it makes it you have a wetter brain at

night because it it flushes out all of the toxins right i need that in my in my gut so i think i think i know i just like my ideas the stomach is um i think there's a lot of research i'm obviously not an expert on this but there's a lot of research into like the relationship between health and well-being anxiety mood depression, and stomach health and stuff like that. Yeah, definitely. As I get older, I realise that it's quite a debilitating to have stomach pains all the time, isn't it? Yeah. Do you find that one thing I find about getting older

is that the stuff you never even stop to think about for a second as a younger person, you think about all the time now. Like, ah ah my knee sore again yeah oh you don't you don't bounce back like for example if i go and do some exercise at the gym or go for a run or a swim or whatever but i can really notice that i need like an extra hour or so sleep that night i still feel really tired next day the only the only kind of common denominator is that i've done some exercise.

It's weird. You wouldn't think about it. I used to run, when I first moved to London, I used to run Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday lunchtimes. And if I didn't do one on a Saturday and a Sunday

as well, I'd feel like I was cheating a bit. Right, okay, yeah, that's fair, yeah. I could never, five runs a week, I could never do that now.

No, because you just need to explore, that's why. I can never, five runs a week, I can never do that now. No, because your knees explode, that's why. But you do get some older people who are really fit still, I mean, there are some people around my neighbourhood who are running every day and they are probably 60. But can your knees handle that? Because I read that you, because you lose a centimetre every day, no, you don't lose a centimetre every day, but you start off a centimeter taller than

you do when you're in the evening because the the sponginess of your joints um you know gets a gets a little less uh spongy a little bit more fibrous through the day and then you recover during the night so you lose an inch in the evening and that's that's when people see me now it's an inch it's not an inch it's not an inch. It's not an inch. It's a centimetre. But yeah, I should sleep more, I think. Do you have problems

with your knees? Yeah, I do. And I noticed when I used to play football quite a lot, I lost a bit of weight and the knee pains kind of stopped

right the way That's the problem, right? Yeah. So the reason I ask you is because you're obviously a lot smaller than me. So I think it's something that's kind of typical right the way that's the problem right yeah so i the reason i ask you is because you're obviously a lot smaller than me so i want to i think i thought i think it's something's kind of typical with bigger people like like me but you're right about the weight thing because essentially if you go for a run every time you place your foot on the ground

i think it's four and a half times your body weight goes through your knees right okay so that's i mean for me that is a lot of weight but if you run loads your body weight reduces so i guess that's what i'm saying but if you run loads, your body weight reduces. That's what I'm saying. You've got to meet in the middle in the line bar graph or whatever. You have. I played six or so football a month or two ago. Still thinking about it.

It took about three weeks for my knee to stop hurting. I'm fucking mad. It's absolutely insane. It's fucking barbaric. Can't do anything now. So anyway. So yeah, Easter's over.

I mean, the big man has risen again as he tends to do. We're all very happy about that. We've decided to celebrate it by eating loads of chocolate. That's a great thing. So, when I was speaking to you

a week or so ago i said to you about the nativity scene right which is obviously at christmas although apparently it wasn't it wasn't originally at christmas was it it's been changed i think right okay i think i think the latest understanding around you know yeah the scientific approach to it the historic the historicity of it i suppose you would call it is that it was in summer but it got changed at some point anyway but i asked you about the nativity scene, and a few people have got in touch with me on Twitter because you started to talk about your interpretation

of the nativity scene, and then we got sidetracked, and we didn't go back to it. So people would like to know, Pete, what your understanding, your interest, your kind of take is on the birth of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. So you started off talking about a log flume, I remember, but then you abandoned that.

Yeah, I mean, it all sort of started in one of those big yellow storage facilities. Right. On a trailing estate. So there was no room at the inn? No room at the inn. No room in the house, so they had to go to a big yellow trading estate storage facility. And boxes everywhere. And kings arrived.

Yeah. Bringing fruits of the forest to the child. And the child and the child um was people talk about you know it being a baby in the manger and stuff and that wasn't actually true he was 33 at the time yeah uh and and he he was like a weird just man in a nappy uh with long hair um completely shaved uh and that and that's shaved and that was the scene in the nativity, that's what modern nativities get wrong, it's in a big yellow storage facility, there were kings

admittedly, they brought fruit to the forest in East 33 What did you what did you play as a kid in the nativity at school? I told you going to a Catholic school,

we obviously didn't do nativities when you're in big school, but in little school, it was a non-denominational one, so I was an old man who... I was kind of like a narrator old man who would sort of... I think that was a part I was supposed to play. Then I got in trouble for stealing some books, and then they gave me the, like a court jester kind of role,

which to be honest, you know, I've played to my strengths a lot. But it's not part of it. Not part of it. The old man wasn't part of it. Why not have a court jester as well? They've just,

they've just, they've just said, look, these, this is the personnel we've got. Yeah. So let's just, let's just flip on its head.

Rather than put square pegs around holes here, let's just change the world's most famous story so it's got a court jester, it's in a big yellow storage facility, and it's an old man. Give Dusty Road a big singlet with spots on it. He will always do well. That's all I'm saying.

He'll always do well because he's a Rhodes and I'm a Donaldson, baby. When you were at school, did you think, I don't want to offend anyone listening, but it's a Rhodes and I'm a Donaldson, baby. When you were at school, did you think, I don't want to offend anyone listening, but it's a personal opinion, but when you were a kid, did you think,

oh yeah, this is shit, this is rubbish, this is not true? I don't think any kids really think it's not true. I think they just sort of go, well, this story's just fucking everywhere,

isn't it? It's like Game of Thrones. It's just, you can't have a new opinion about it. You can't really have a hot take on it, can you, really? You've just got to know that it's always going to be with you and it's always going to be around. There's going to be people who are real fans of it

and to sort of go against the grain and sort of go, oh, this is a bit boring. It's not really worth it. It's not really the point, I would say. What is the point? What do you mean? As in, what is a bit boring. It's not really worth it. It's not really the point, I would say. What is the point? What do you mean? As in, what is the point of life? What's the point of the story there?

If there's no point going against it, what is the point of it? Well, for people who like it, they can like it. And the people who are in my position, they just ignore it. So apparently there is in that field of like um of actual so obviously ancient history is a field right so this history of this kind of era is a legitimate like academic subject yes yeah and there's and there's um there are like certain things that historians generally

agree yeah almost certainly happened right yeah so? There were characters kicking around that were... Yeah, just by using historical analysis you'd apply to anything else. They apply them to a lot of Roman emperors and all that kind of stuff. They can agree apparently that Jesus was a Galilean preacher. He was baptised by John the Baptist. He had disciples.

He had some kind of controversy at a temple. He was crucified by Romans near Jerusalem and after his death his he had some kind of controversy at a temple he was crucified by romans near jerusalem and um after his death his disciples continued and some of them were persecuted they are they are like in the current understanding of the historiography of the period okay that that those are things that are generally accepted to have happened right so i can't find that quite interesting no one will agree that like he turned water into water that he walked on water obviously it's a bit more problematic.

You can't find evidence for that. But they can find evidence for that kind of stuff, which I find is quite fascinating, really. So basically, what they're saying is Jesus was knocking about in that area at that time. He was a bit of a hippie. People were into it. And that's kind of that.

So when you're munched on the leftover egg today, you can say hippie. Think about leftover egg today think about think about that you know fantastic stuff um peter i want to change the subject entirely if i may because we've had a lot of um animal stories that have come across our um our desk um i found this one particularly interesting that um right i'm gonna tell you a story and i want you to guess what town it was in okay okay a man was arrested by police when they discovered an alligator in the boot of his car alligators are um i think found they make their homes in the us probably some parts of south america as well uh in africa

it's crocodiles in the americas it's gators that's the kind of general general rule um he was trying to sell it a four foot long alligator he was trying to sell it uh because he decided that he couldn't care for it um he got busted in a um in a sting by the police who picked up on the fact he was trying to sell it on the internet and um the particular society for protection prevention of cruelty to animals in that area um kind of took over and did all that stuff it was um seven and a half kilos between four and five years old he uh tried to sell it for 250 pounds um where do you think that happened i think it probably happened in florida yeah florida man right yeah you're wrong it happened on constitution street in edinburgh what yeah yeah i don't know how he got it um he um he basically fed it for ages on frozen mice and

fish yeah uh and fish. And he had fixed up a warm tank and he decided it was too much hassle so he tried to sell it. And the guy got found guilty of trying to sell it. There was some kind of law that you can't do it. But the police basically found it in a car boot, which is horrific because it's an animal worthy of respect and an awful thing to do.

But I just thought to myself, imagine if you're just walking down the road on a nice weekend break in Edinburgh and you just happened upon that yeah but if it was like festival scene you'd be like oh fuck off students oh yeah yeah part of a part of a bit of a skit part of some street theater um I'm looking at the piece now uh Quinn explained that he'd been looking for a pet and came across the alligator for sale on the internet he said he'd bought it for 250 pounds from a man called

Bobby Brown nice every little step I take nice what do you think of Pete what do you think

what's your general rule or a pitch not rule your general opinion on the Edinburgh Festival and I'm asking you that question

because I know that you know people you were thinking your friend who were friends with you and you i think my friend no sorry you will be thinking that you've got friends who do the edinburgh festival and i'm now trying to think of a really diplomatic answer oh no no it's a colossal waste of money and any stand-up comedian thinks that it's gonna you know do anything for for their career in this year of our Lord 2022 is a fucking idiot. Why is that? Why do you think that?

Too many people, too many shows, too hard to break through. You got to be pretty fucking good. And if you're at the Edinburgh Festival, you're not good enough yet, I think. Yeah. I don't know. I've seen some great shows. I loved going.

I went a couple of times. I had a cracking time me and Mark Haynes from the old wrestling programme has Mark ever done it yes he did he won

the has he done it no I think he might have just done the London London competitions and stuff I think he beat

Stephen Merchant and Dan Antopolski at the Evening Standard Young Comedian of the Year 1998 or something back in the day.

That's his feather in Mark's cap. Very funny man, Mark. How do they judge it? I don't know. I don't know. I would like to have heard everyone's sets. I would like to have heard Stephen Merchant's set in 1998.

They always do that thing at Edinburgh Festival where they go, here are the official top 20 jokes of the Edinburgh Festival. I would like to have had Stephen Merchant's set in 1998. I don't understand. They always do that thing at Edinburgh Festival where they go, here are the official top 20 jokes of the Edinburgh Festival. And most of the time... It's just all puns, isn't it? It's all just crap. Yeah, they're terrible. I never want to see any of those shows.

I think they're all terrible. And the person who wins is always... They never go on to do anything. I want to see Sadowitz. I want to see Sadowitz. Well, he wouldn't be doing stuff, surely. He loves that shit. That would be really good. He loves ruining.

But I've seen, like, Stuart Lee doing stuff. Have I seen Kitson up there? I've seen, like, good shows in tiny, tiny little pubs. So it's worth it if you're a comedy fan, but it's just, like, the hotels are too expensive, and if you're a stand-up, it's just too expensive to have a house up there.

The people of Edinburgh take the absolute piss, and I do not make no apologies for saying that. Good on them. That's what I say. Good on them. Good on them. Good on them, mate. Listen, if you want to come up here, it's going to cost you.

That's what they're saying. Yeah, exactly. That's what they're saying. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, we're going to keep up our animal theme because we've got an amazing email from our friend Chris. We're going to read just the other side of this. So stick around, and we'll see you then.

Oh, I'm walking about the seat and I'm recording some content for a podcast. Hello, this is the Luke and Pete show. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Mr. Luke Moore, winner of the Perrier Awards 1973.

I don't know what that is. What is it? Perrier Award. That's the big competition, isn't it? It's not called the Perrier Award. It'd be called... I don't know. It'd be sponsored by Dave, wouldn't it? Oh, Dave. That's the old sausage machine.

You pop all the stand-ups through the sausage. You ring up Avalon. You say, give us some more meat. And you smash them through the sausage machine. And they come out the other end, and they're a sausage. A big sausage to go on right in a dave's mouth let me ask you something pete um just if we can put the dave's dave's mouth to

one side for one second honestly i'm not trying to have a dig at anyone but genuinely if you had a tv show on dave do you think how many people actually watch it because i never watched dave uh i think it's surprisingly um well more than it would watch anything else i suppose i mean like jesus yeah is it worth the work you'd have to put in to make your tv show for it to go on dave yeah you i mean they don't do much scripted stuff it's mainly just cheapy um panel show stuff isn't it really and oh actually taskmaster started out on dave didn't it did it okay i mean that is the cheapest of all of them. That's even cheaper than a panel. That's a good show.

You don't even need a panel, though. Look, it's very YouTube-y. I think it's a cracking show, but it is the cheapest of all of the shows. Just go to a country estate, we'll find a portion of it, and we'll just film ourselves trying to throw a burger into a pool or something.

It is that simple. But you did get some absolute bellends on it, but generally it's a really good format. It's a really simple, good format. Half the kind of, and half of it is kind of like seeing the little tasks and you're sort of like, I'd love to have a go

at that. Because my favourite part of working for local government is when we went to one of those stupid fucking way days and a woman from a, well, not a creative agency, but one of those kind of, you know, one of those agencies who come in and go, right, we're going to find out where you are on the fucking, not the Bechadel test, what's the fucking... Yeah, like a personality type thing.

Personality test. You know, what fucking, are you a creative person? Are you this, are you that? It's all just like, and it's never negative. It's always positive. You're not a bellend, you're just person are you this are you that it's all just like and it's never negative it's always positive you're not a bellend you're just a you know

you're a this kind of character but like there was this you know the usual thing where you know they'll have an egg

on a high shelf and you've got to knock the egg off the high shelf and you've got to catch it in a contraption that you've made yourself I love stuff like that

I would love like an evening where it's just a night of those little tasks where you've got to rescue an egg or make something fly I love stuff like that. I would love like an evening where it's just a night of those little tasks where you've got to rescue an egg or make something fly. I love thinking laterally

and playing with shit with my hands. I love that sort of thing. I love botching stuff. I told you my mate did one. My mate sent a group of us friends a task every month

for a whole year. Yeah, it's nice. Nice idea. And then judged them all. And then at the end of the year we got our points added up and we got a, the winner got a trophy which you can see

here I won it I was concerned about that laptop camera moving quite so quickly towards your nethers but I appreciate seeing the cup

I mean that camera won't pick it up don't worry about that it'll be a pretty powerful camera so anyway what were we saying oh yeah emails

emails doing emails. Good, no, I'm just saying, I'm not having a go at Dave. They're the type of company that probably would sponsor our show.

So cheers to them in advance for doing so. I've just wondered if genuinely, because I sometimes tell you on during the day if I'm at home or whatever and think, who's watching this?

No one's watching this. The audience figures must just be absolutely tiny. Not just on tiny not just on day just on any kind of daytime channel look what's what's the hustle what's the money situation if you've you think oh do you know what i'm gonna start my own tv station and i'm gonna call it quest and i'm gonna put on shit like you know this and that during the day no one's watching it like london life who's making it it's one of discovery channel's finest uh brands thank you

very much i just picked it around don't have a quest but Quest. It's one of Discovery Channel's finest brands, thank you very much. I just picked it at random. Don't have a go at Quest. But what's the business model? Well, I mean, for Quest, I mean, I presume it's the same as the other Discovery Channels. You buy in bulk these massive seasons that are like 50 long of your American pickers or your Ausraud truckers,

and you put them on there, they're very successful, very popular. And then people like you shake them down for continuity. And I shake them down for continuity. Yeah, and then 10 years in the game, they shake you down for less money and slightly fewer scripts. Yeah, why don't you do the fact that we're back, why don't you introduce the email section like you would do on D-Max?

Coming up next, we're going to be heading back off grid as the Ice Road Truckers try and survive on the lamb. And also, we'll have some emails. Very good. Thank you. I mean, that's not worth fucking 30 quid an hour plus VAT. I don't know what it is. Chris, hello to you.

You've got in touch with a great story, and we're going to read it out now. He says, hi, guys. Your recent chat about a panther being used as a guard dog in a pub, I think that was also in Scotland from memory, has finally enabled me to share one of my mum's favorite stories with you sometime in the 70s my mum had been on a coach holiday to cornwall after a seven hour journey back and just a mile from her home in

barnsley she saw what she could only describe as a man taking a lion for a walk smashing is that this is such a 70s story. Proper turn. Obviously she did a double take and she thought she was seeing things due to exhaustion from the long journey. When she got home, she told my grandmother what she'd seen. My nan, as casual as you like, said, Oh yeah, that's Dennis. I went to school with him. That's the guard dog for his pub. Guard dog?

Guard lion. Not to disbelieve my mum or anything, but I did do a Google check because you'd assume other people would have seen a lion in barnsley if there was one uh lo and behold i came across this article about dennis which not only confirms he owned a lion but also owned a ranch in wyoming where he found oil in his back garden i guess he'll have a lion protecting that now as well there's also a youtube video that gives further context to the story and insinuates the lion had a name and that name was Ben. Unfortunately, I don't

know of Ben's fate. Presumably he's retired now. Was he gentle? It's 50 years ago. I think that is an optimistic assessment of his outcome, Chris. But thank you very much for the email. A man who finds oil in his backyard very much a show that could feature on

your D-Maxes and your D-Questa, I think. Absolutely. Fantastic. Speaking of long coach journeys, I'll tell you, I'll just squeeze, I can't squeeze this story in. I'll tell you about my mate Jimmy and our mate Vish, not Vish who we work with now, another Vish.

Are you seeing other Vishes? I haven't seen him for ages, actually. I haven't seen the other Vish for ages. But him and my mate Jimmy hates putting his hand in his pocket. It's like a thing. And they were going to a stag weekend up in Scotland. Well, Jimmy's a fraternity, so he only

picks up money that he finds on the floor. I don't know how it works. It's fallen naturally to the floor. And they went to go to Scotland for a stag weekend, but they wanted to do it on the cheap. So they got the Megabus yes and they did the usual

kind of young bloke's thing absolutely gruelling the Megabus was like 7pm right so they went to the pub at like 3 had a good few beers for the journey realised that

when they got on the coach they had packed no water no food and had no warm clothes because they were packed into the under bit of the character of the coach and it was like no stop for like seven hours so he said and it's kind of long

story short so now we've got to get out of here jimmy said that it got to the point where they were basically going on little secret sorties while people were asleep crawling along the aisle because they caught a glimpse of a couple of girls, three or four seats in front of them who had like a packet of digestives in their open bag and trying to grab like two digestives and come back and then having big fierce debates

about whether the water in the toilet on the coach was like drinkable water. Oh, it would not be drinkable. He said, the best thing was when we got there, it was like we had been living Lord of the Flies

and then we had to do a stag weekend. Oh, dreadful. Absolutely sickening. Absolutely awful. Literally, mate, breaking digesters in half and sharing them that they'd stolen from someone else. Again, great DMACC show. Anyway, let's get out of here, Pete.

That's enough for now. You take it away, mate. You play us out. Okay. Edwin McCain and the boats have Saul's crew tackle a broken down pontoon boat from Ayrton flipping ships here on D-Max. And next, we've more Cops UK for you.

And it's goodbye from me. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.