The Luke and Pete Show - Two old men yelling at clouds

Episode Date: September 28, 2020

On today’s episode, Luke and Pete are putting the fashion world to rights. Bum bags, flip flops and the new Man United kit are all being dissected this week.We’ve also got some more on the rumour about razor blades inside waterslides and we’re hearing from a disgruntled listener who asked his girlfriend to describe him using crisp flavours.Make sure you get in touch at [e-mail] and if you missed it, go and check out last Thursday’s episode ‘The Crappening’ to hear about Jim’s plumbing disaster.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

it's the luke and a peach show my name is pete donaldson i'm the drain pipe greasing tax return releasing pete donaldson um and luke aaron moore uh is with me hello luke how are you i'm good mate you're all right what's going on i haven't seen you for ages i know because chris tilley from Clash of Titles obviously did the week before last, and then last week was our good friend Jim Campbell. Your friend and mine, Jim Campbell. Yeah, I bloody enjoyed having Jim on.

It was fantastic. Yeah, it was, yeah. I mean, basically, we've had two weeks of better... People. ...cohorts, really, haven't we? So we've kind of let each other down on the show and the listeners, because, you know, we're not taking holidays for a little while. So thanks for the lockdown.

I looked at my diary earlier and I thought, who is it on today? It's fucking Pete. For God's sake. I've got to do Pete tomorrow on fucking Rambled as well. Can I not just have another Pete somewhere else? Can I just pick another Pete? A Pothleweight maybe or something like that.

I'd like it. It's Pothlethwaite. Pothlethwaite, yeah I'd like it's Pothlthwaite Pothlthwaite yeah but I've been up since yeah I started podcasting at 7 o'clock this morning Luke

thanks to the time differences in Japan so I ain't no part time hustle for you baby mate I went straight

from holiday to an episode of The Office US as I end all of my days with and then 6 hours sleep and then

and then straight back into the pothole um only only halted by the man from the broadband company coming around to tell me that he's gonna have to dig up a lot of my road i'm not gonna tell the landlord um that's for them to find out well if you if you if your fingerprints aren't over the ground digging implements you're you're free, mate. There's nothing linking to the crime. Yeah, the BT Openreach man just came round and overstepped in my particular humble opinion. He really did make a real mess of that garden.

Oopsie-daisy. Well, I hope he doesn't dig up some of the things that you'd rather remain buried. Well, look. It's a box of really, really old cables. Yeah. Can we just talk?

Can I just pick up a bit on that, Pete? One thing I should say before we get stuck into today is that if you haven't listened to Thursday's episode of Luke and Pete from last week, where Jim tells a story about his plumbing mishaps, please do. Because Pete Donaldson aside, present company excluded, it is the most I've laughed in a very, very long time listening to that story. Now, I knew the story anyway, but him telling it from start to finish

was very, very entertaining. So it's towards the end of Thursday's episode. Do go and listen to that. And one further thing, if you enjoy the show, go and leave us a review on Apple Podcast or wherever you get your pods and tell some people about it because we enjoy doing it it's lots of fun it's super basic we know it's just two guys chatting shit but you guys like it so if you do like it let everyone else know by

leaving us a review pete i was gonna say i want to i want to um pick up on something you said a second ago which was how you end your working day with an episode of the office us right now this is interesting to me because since everyone's had to change their routines and looking like they may have to change them again in the near future sadly um if what we're being told is to be believed um then people that one thing that people have struggled with is like well i know that if i set my alarm for seven i get up i leave the house the house at eight, I get to work for nine, I come home and my working day is finished. Now, for you and I, it's a bit different because our jobs are vocational. But are there any tips to help people kind of bookend their day?

Because what I always do, when I know that the lion's share of work that day is finished or I've achieved what I want to achieve if I'm working from home, there'll always be a couple of bits to do in the evening usually. But I always just jump in the shower. That's my kind of commute. Get in the shower, wash off the day, and then I'll kind of know that my day, to all intents and purposes, is finished. So is the Office US an episode of that? Is that your version of that?

That is my sonic and audiovisual shower. I would ask the question, do you shower again in the morning then? Yeah, I have two showers a day, yeah. Right, okay. Particularly in the summer. I might change that in the winter, but in the summer I do, yeah. Because it gets, I mean,

when we're stuck in this, I'm stuck in my spare room where the sun beats in through the window kind of most of the day. It can get quite warm. And if you're making shows, you can't really have the window open. So you do get a bit sweaty.

So I think it probably is best to do that. And also, I probably three times a week do some form of exercise, so I generally need to have a shower in the morning and then the shower after I've done that. Right, okay. Well, I've recently discovered – not really discovered, to be honest. I'm a very unfit man. I've not played football.

I've not run around. I've not been in the gym since January. And I wasn't a massive gym bunny before that. I used to go in. You do go once every January, don't you, to be fair? I do go once every January. I do 30 days in January. And all the other days have zero days of gym.

And, yeah, so I've not been to the gym for a long time. I've not played football in eons. And I really enjoy doing that. And I'm in a situation where i'm like i don't feel great and i visited my parents uh a few weeks ago and my mom uh informed me for the first time in my life didn't know this uh that my granddad had a heart attack at 52 i had no idea i'm like ma'am are you all right and you're 51 now i'm a man approach a man on the doorstep of being 40, I'm like, I could probably have done with that information,

to be quite frank. Come into the house, baby. I'm inside. It's all right. It's lovely. We're all taking statins. I'm like, ma'am, you realize that's actually quite important. At a time of 52, he was a minor. He didn't important. Like he had a heart attack at 52.

He was a minor. I don't know. He didn't smoke, but he was a minor. Obviously there are, you know, I think you're only a minor if you're under 18, aren't you?

Well, you know, less risk of a heart attack. He was a minor, but he, yeah, just being, being a minor all his life.

There are obviously health, um, uh, not benefits, but there are, there are pitfalls. Um, excuse my turn of phrase um and he uh was uh a fairly fit and healthy bloke and he had a heart attack at 52 died it's in his 70s 73

74 something like that and so i could have done with that information so i bought a little um heart uh what do you call them blood blood pressure monitor. Yeah. Approaching high blood pressure I am, apparently. 40, that's not ideal, is it? My mum had that, to be fair, so and she's, and her mum lived, she was 93. So, quite frankly, Luke, this could be the last Luke and Pete show, that's all I'm saying. Well, Jim's around, he's obviously... Jim's around,

he's proved himself. Yeah, that's why you think I've got Jim in. I was going to say that, yeah, I mean, I i'm 40 now i was 40 a week or so ago so um it kind of happy birthday thank you very much and and the reason i mentioned that is because now i don't know if this has changed due to what's happened with covid but um and this is kind of a bit of a public information message i suppose to anyone listening out there um is that when you hit 40 i do believe

you start to become eligible for annual health checkups um from the nhs right okay when you hit 40 next april it'd be pete you'll be 40 won't you um you can go and do that now i don't know if it's changed because of covid maybe they're just saying that we can't prioritize that at the moment but at some point i'm gonna have to go in and get that done because i had it done um i had a kind of all over health check about 18 months ago because my wife and i both got tonsillitis and uh okay we went in just to double check it was the because there's two types of tonsillitis and the one that you have to go and get checked for is is the one that could be really um can be treated with um with antibiotics or whatever anyway um they gave me a check up then they did the whole thing at this blood sugar level they did blood pressure do all that kind of stuff um and they gave me an acg

an ecg and stuff and i was all fine but i mean i guess it probably does it does probably serve you well to get checked every so often luckily in my family touch wood and we don't have a history of high blood pressure or cholesterol or anything like that because i think a lot of it whether you like it or not of course it is affected by diet a lot of it, whether you like it or not, of course it is affected by diet. It's genetic, yeah. A lot of it can be kind of genetic, yeah. So you've got to be careful. Oh, deary me. But with the health checkups, did they make you run on a running machine

with one of those tubes in your mouth? That's all I want. No, I didn't do that. I want an EKG and I want, or ECG? EKG's a microphone, mate. You just love the lifestyle. An ECG, they just put these things on your chest, basically.

I just, I watch the, you can get those for your smartphone now. Apparently, if you're having like, if you're worried about palpitations or any kind of weird heart things, a mate has got these two little metal pads that she sticks to the back of her phone. And she, if she feels she's having like, you know, an attack or something, or has just had an undiagnosed heart condition, like a hole in her heart, and she's having what she thinks is an attack,

she quickly just pulls the little pads off the back of her phone and grabs hold of them. And then with the smartphone app, it kind of basically checks whether, you know, there's something weird's going on with your heart, with the electricity and things like that. Right. So, yeah, so it's on you all the time, time effectively it's a little bit like back in the day my my friends

uh dad died suddenly of a heart attack and he was given um one of those like a really slow moving cassette recorder uh and it would record the the the heart and and then they would run that tape through a computer and figure out if there was any kind of pattern of kind of ill behavior on the side of the heart. I mean, obviously I was just fascinated by the slow tape recorder. Yeah, yeah. So I couldn't give a shit. That worked in my hamstring.

Could we play Manic Minor? Could we record Manic Minor over one of those tapes? I could probably fit loads and loads of data on that. That looks like a 120 at least a tdk 120 um i i um it just reminds me first of all i feel like people is that is that good i mean should it not be being interpreted should the data not be being interpreted by someone who actually knows what they're doing yeah but i mean i think you can meet people halfway so hasn't hasn't the new um apple um smartwatch hasn hasn't that got like a blood oxygen detector or something?

It shouldn't be used. All this stuff could revolutionise people's health, you know that? I mean, look, just keep an eye on stuff, innit? Just your heart suddenly starts fluttering or whatever and your watch goes, Pete, stop that. Stop whatever you're doing. You're going over the edge, mate.

You could probably choose your ringtone. That's enough. That's enough now. Stop that. Stop whatever you're doing. You're going over the edge, mate. You can probably choose your ringtone. That's enough. That's enough now. Stop this. You're like a sergeant major. I'll take you off. Your girlfriend's coming home. Stop this.

Stop eating M&M's for fuck's sake, Luke. You fat shit. Yeah. But I very much enjoyed the show last week at gym. The floppy protesters amused me immensely. Yeah. The idea that a put-upon police sergeant had to just ask people to stop going floppy. Jim's a really good storyteller,

but the thing is, he's always so all over the place, doesn't know what he's doing half the time that he can't find the window to tell the story. Right, okay, yeah. But Pete, I was going to say, when you had Chris on, which I also enjoy, I like Chris, funny guy, and his show, Clash of Titles, a film show, another Stakhanov show as well, worth a turn of the head if you get a chance. But when you were recording that show, I worked out that I was climbing an ill-advised climb of a mountain in Scotland. I haven't had a chance to talk to you about it yet because I was away

and then you were away. It's this mountain called the Cobbler, right? Now, it is an intermediate climb. I mean, what I mean by that is you don't need anything other than like a good pair of walking shoes to get up there. It's not like you need like crampons and like ropes and stuff. But I think I'm getting to that age now where stubbornness is starting to take over where i feel a bit like you know all right look you're 40 years old it's not that old

in the grand scheme of things you know you've got hopefully touch when you've got a good amount of your life left to go you know i'm fairly active i went for a run yesterday i don't feel any different but that was a tough old climb the only consolation would be that my wife who's quite a bit younger than me um also found it quite tough but i would have loved to have seen you get out there donny with your uh with the old uh it could be good for you good for your lungs probably good bit of fresh lungs i mean i mean the air's quite thin i i do i quite like a yomp i quite like a little a little climb on the rare occasions i've i've treated myself to such a thing but yeah the problem i've got at the moment is that every part of my foot is bleeding.

Oh, right. I bought myself a pair of kind of summer trainers. Not that burn thing again. No, I didn't burn my foot with pot noodle again, no. I've got these trainers that have rubbed the back of my foot off. I bought some flip-flops when I was away. The sides of the feet, little Haviana things that burn.

They've got massive holes in the side of my foot. And then I bought those thong flip-flops, which rubbed the inside of my toe out completely. And now I'm just a weeping sore. My feet are just weeping and sore is it just because i just haven't spent quite so much time with my feet on the street so to speak i've been spending most of my time indoors the common denominator here is your feet by the sound of it look i've got some i've got some um i've got some robust opinions around men wearing flip-flops

uh right i don't think i and to be honest let's not make it sexist it's not even men i just think flip-flops are just dreadful generally. I don't know what purpose they serve. I just don't understand why you would wear a pair of flip-flops. They do nothing for anyone. They're terrible for your feet, terrible for your posture. You can't really move in them. They always flip off.

You can't wear them on the beach when people say you can because they get stuck in the sand. They're just absolutely pointless. What do you wear on the beach? What do you wear on the beach? I'd wear a pair of lightweight plimsolls until I get to the beach, and I just take them off. Yeah, that's why I wear Toms.

I'm a big fan of Toms. Yeah, a pair of vestibulars would be fine for the hot sand. No problem. That's why I say. Are you just wearing them wrong? Are you wearing flip-flips? Well, I don't wear them at all yeah i've got i've got two right feet yeah two right feet but but don't know on this i'm just gonna

say on this mountain right this this cobbler it's not even high enough to be called a monroe which is the scottish kind of term for people who want to climb a certain height it's i think it's about a 900 and something meter climb and it needs to be a thousand meters to be technically a monroe but anyway so i was climbing it and and we got up and got out there pretty early so we were the only were the first people up there and uh it was pretty pretty straightforward like a pretty gentle incline and i remember thinking to myself this has been going on for like an hour now it's going to take us either all day at this rate of gradient to get to the top of this mountain or it's going to get really hard really quick and then we turned we turned the corner right and there was probably so there's a

load someone's put a lot of concrete-ish like stone steps in right and and i'm telling you now i reckon there was at least a thousand of them right and Right. And so I looked on my iPhone. At the end of the day, I looked on my iPhone. You know, they do the flights climb, the elevation thing. Right. And I did 169 floors, right? And a floor is, I think, 15 steps. Yeah.

I mean, imagine, so basically imagine going to the bottom of a big building and someone saying, that's 169 floors, that building. You're going to go up to the top floor and there's no lift. That's basically what happened to me. And my knees on the way down did not thank me one little bit because people don't think about the descent. The climbing down is by far the hardest bit. It's so painful when you get to some point.

Yeah, and the quads and the calves and everything, man. It's awful. It was great fun. Do you have to talk to people when they're coming down while you're going up? I knew you were going to ask this. Is it that kind of? Yeah.

It's that kind of side of things I can't ask this. Yeah, you would be struggling with that. Oh, yes, hello. How are you? Yeah, oh, good. Brilliant. Do you want to know what tactic I employed, which you'll hate?

Screaming? No, I don't. I just wrestled them down. It's gone up again now. So for the first kind of half an hour of us descending and seeing people come up, I would say, oh, you're nearly there. Keep going.

You're nearly there. Oh, look. And then after that, the intermediate bit, I would say, oh, you've got quite a way to go. Keep, yeah. And then, and then after that, the intermediate bit, I would say, Oh, you've got quite a way to go. Keep it up. And then at the bottom, I just descended entirely to a,

to a hello. Good morning. How you doing? Good morning. Yeah. I'm dying. I smeared a lot of fake blood all over me. And so there's a fucking massive wolf at the top.

There's a wolf and you've got to fight it. It's a bear. And if you don't win, if you don't win if you don't win you get sexy where you're oh yeah you're enjoying it

now but wait until you get to the end of level boss covered in blood all my clothes are rimmed all my clothes

are rimmed lovely and my bum was hanging out as well yeah that's what I did no it was good

anyway it was fun Pete you want to talk a little bit about what was I going to say I was um you um you you want to talk a little bit about um uh what was i gonna say i was gonna say do you want to talk a little bit about um fashion because you just mentioned um you've got some new footwear all right okay i i bleeding feet yeah coincidentally well no bleeding feet aren't in fashion apparently but i read this morning great band yeah i um i

looked um through just a few summer headlines just ahead and I knew that we were going to be recording. I particularly enjoyed Donald Trump's tax situation. Absolutely incredible. The one thing he's got on Joe Biden in the opinion polls is that people trust him more on the economy. He's like, have you seen how terrible he has been for that long? Good Lord.

He's paid less federal income tax in a year than I would pay in a month. Good man. No, anyway, aside from that, I saw in a fashion section on The Guardian that in a big way, socks with sandals are back in fashion. So that could help your blister situation, couldn't it? Yes, it would, wouldn't it? And is this all like the sliders with the football? It just seems to be like that.

No, it's not that, although that is a big thing, isn't it? Right. Yeah, it is. I saw a picture of a model wearing some leather strappy kind of sandals with some white socks. I'm not against that, to be honest. Yeah, that doesn't feel – I think sometimes things that you find quite offensive, you kind of come around

to them eventually, I think. I don't have such strong opinions about fashion. Yeah, same. I think last year I was considering on a holiday buying one of those bum bags that go across your chest. But that is fashionable. That's like an overly fashionable decision. That's like a fashion thing.

But I am approaching 40. That's what I'm saying. I've got bleeding feet. Should you be doing be doing that no i shouldn't be doing that but i'm saying that that's the sort of thing that would have offended me a man of a certain age making decisions like that and then now i've become a man of a certain age i'm making decisions like that and i'm loving it i'm loving life i've got to the point where I just want to be comfortable. Yeah, yeah. A lot of them. I mean, I switched a little bit too easily under lockdown

because I was wearing a lot of suits in February. And I'll probably go back to them in the fall, in the autumns, as it starts to get a little bit colder. But I bought some smart trousers, but they were drawstringed. And, oh, what a treat. What a treat, Loki treat okay yoga pants what a treat yeah yoga pants for the big boys one thing that's not mentioned enough re-fashion is that like and maybe it is mentioned enough and i just don't know about it which is entirely possible

is that when it comes to things that are fashionable in quotes right when i know the industry's changed to an extent whereas now you actually do see like normal people on billboards a lot and well not a lot but a bit more than you did and and yeah models can be all different types of shade and um shapes and sizes sorry and all different stuff like that and and that's a good thing but ultimately what's not spoken about enough is that the type of people who are fashion models they could wear almost literally anything and it looks amazing and and it's kind of it doesn't feel it feels a bit like it feels a bit pointless because you know for example i noticed when man united put out that

um controversial third kit the kind of zebra stripe black and white third kit right i've long held this theory that if if something goes all right with man united or they don't they have a little bit of a bad kind of period or they just get david beckham to do something right and what they did is they got david beckham to wear that kit on his instagram it looked amazing because of course it looks amazing because it's david beckham right and i think that what needs to happen more often or what could be done as a little gap in the market is just get a load of normal people of like a hundred different body shapes,

which I'm sure there are and stick them up on a website and say, this is what this will look like on you with like augmented reality and stuff, because that'll give you a much better flavor of what's going to happen because otherwise it's completely fucking pointless. The amount of times when I was younger, I'd buy stuff off the internet and obviously I'm quite tall, so I can get away with a bit of stuff um it would look ridiculous absolutely ridiculous because because at that point I would have been you know um I'm six three and I would have been not even that fat

I'd have been like 200 pounds which isn't that much right that's like that's not not that not that overweight but it would just look ridiculous because I wasn't 150 pounds and ridiculously skinny. So I understand that women get it a lot worse than men do, but I'm just saying I think it would enhance the fashion industry for them to be more realistic in the long term. Yeah, and also for people who've got long legs and short bodies. I can't remember which one I've got. I think I've got long legs and a short body,

and buying suits is a nightmare. The amount of times I've bought a suit that's just too long for me and I've gone to the little tailors underneath Charing Cross Station and just went, can you take a few inches off that? And I've cut it so short that the pockets actually hang out of the bottom

of the suit. It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. Yeah, you like to wear your jacket short though, don't you? That's the thing. Yeah, I don't like to flap around. I don't want everyone to see my underarm and keister, so to speak. But, Pete, I was also going to say that with fashion as well, you get this kind of idea of vanity sizing, which is mental, to the point of where I remember when I was going up to Scotland

a couple of weeks ago, I needed to buy a warm jumper because i completely forgot to pack one uh i was really busy i had to go straight from work and i forgot to pack one right so i go to the shop and buy a kind of outdoorsy nice fleecy jumper right nothing fancy nothing major and i was trying stuff on anyway to cut a very boring story short i ended up buying a fleece car zip up thing which is a medium right yeah i'd got and the t-shirt underneath i was wearing which is from all saints was an extra extra large it's like where do where do we go with these things it's mad it should be standardized yeah how are you allowed to sort of like yeah i mean they should just be like 36 38 42 like they should just have chest sizes and just

have done with it because they're just meaningless, aren't they, the sizes? I know I'm a top man small, but in other places, small is way too small for me. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's stupid. It's wild. And I think that that is, we are definitely in the territory of two old men yelling at a cloud here, but

it's frustrating. But anyway, shall we have a little break and then come back and do some emails because we've got some good ones. All right then. And we're back. It's the Luke and Pete Show. If you want to get into the show, it's really a really unbelievably simple people, people, people, people, people.

Hello at lukesandpeachshow.com if you'd like to get in touch and just ask us about stuff. Tell us about stuff. It's hello at people, people, people, people, people.com. Yeah, we've had quite a few good ones. Jim and I talked about little urban legends and stuff for a bit last week, and Jim was talking about Razorblades.

Exactly. Sam has been in touch by emailing hello at lukeandpeachow.com, saying, hi, guys, I grew up in the western suburbs of Sydney in the 80s, which is very much the Romford of the southern hemisphere. And if any confirmation was required that water park razor blades are absolute bollocks, the same rumor existed around our local water park, which is approximately 11,000 miles away. Now, either this was some complex international coordinated attack

by a sole global cabal of blade-wielding supervillains or very much a bollocks urban legend. Cheers, Sam. Pete, was that an urban legend that made it as far as Hartlepool? It was, yeah, Millhouse Legend Centre. But to be honest, I was more visceral and realistic, I think, in that it was nails. Right.

Like nailed into the underside of the Milhouse Laser Center, which was accessible. The tube in question, the flume in question, was accessible from below. So you could technically do it. Razorblades, I'm thinking, how do you mount them onto the inside of the actual thing? I don't think you're banging a nail. I don't think you're banging a nail.

I don't think you're banging a common or guided nail up through one of those tubes. I don't know what type of plastic they are, but it's robust plastic. You could get a nail through it. A good thick wood nail, straight through. Lovely old job. Be it leak though, wouldn't it? Yeah, that was one. Be it leak.

It would be a leak if it would not. Where's all the water gone? I'm not going down there. One thing I forgot to mention last week when Jim was talking about it is actually, and this is a fact, it would not where's all the water gone i'm not going down there yeah one thing i forgot to mention last week when jim was talking about it is actually and this is a fact it's not an urban legend i saw it happen with my own eyes is that weirdly the school i went to was the worst school in the area but weirdly it had quite good sports facilities i have no idea why my dad reckons because my dad went to the same school, and my dad was a very competent and competitive swimmer, right? And he swam further county and all the rest of it.

And he said that basically our school had a swimming pool. And I think the school, which was kind of opened in the 60s, might have maybe been set up as like a sports kind of school or something like that. But anyway, so the bottom line is we had a really good swimming pool when none of the other schools in our area had one. But our school was rough. So my mate Jimmy, who you know well, one of my best friends,

he was never able to swim and even now he can't swim, which is mad because we grew up like a stone's throw from the sea, but he's never learned how to swim. So when we had PE class and it was swimming like he had to be down the shallow end um and um kind of be given a flow and and he used to do this thing which is really funny where he used to walk along the bottom pretending to swim and try and get away with it and we'd only be about 13 at a time or whatever but anyway what had happened was some of the bigger boys, bigger boys from year 11 had on their final, because I think they left, they finished the year early because they had to go and study for their exams.

They didn't used to get to do revision from home or whatever. They used to leave early. Oh, that rings a bell. Yeah, that was sweet, that. Yeah, it was sweet. And they were able to do that. But what one of them did, or a few of them did, was they chucked a load of drawing pins on the bottom of the swimming pool.

Right, okay. And so a load of people got them stuck in the bottom of their feet. And this actually happened. I remember it happening. I remember people having drawing pins in the bottom of their feet. So that is a kind of slightly more benign variation on that urban legend, which definitely did happen. Yeah.

Well, look, when you've got feet like mine um you wouldn't notice it's a i wouldn't have noticed it bleeding constantly actually i'm one of my one of my many um bleeding uh orifices on my feet um it's not an orifice is it it is in my i will send you a picture it is an orifice it's like a hole in my foot where the thong went in and uh yeah there was a wasp that just kept on trying to eat it it's like a hole in my foot where the thong went in. And yeah, there was a wasp that just kept on trying to eat it. It's like, oh, it's disgusting. Oh, lay some eggs. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine getting stung in a wound? That would be... My late uncle, he was a bit of a joker when we were kids. I mean, this was genuinely quite chilling. He had a couple of calcium bumps on his arms. I think they're called calcium bumps. Just little weird kind of like i guess they're like benign cysts or whatever and when i was like seven years old or maybe even younger i would go up to him and i and i if i if i touch one of them to see what it was when he was like i don't know when i was sat on the sofa next

to him he would go mental he would go ah but that to really make me jump and then i then i would say why are you getting so um why are you doing that and he would say to me like in a conspiratorial tone when no one else is listening it's a spider's nest and i don't want you to wake them up how awful is that to a seven-year-old lovely lovely old job that would absolutely kill me yeah until the end of time. Unbelievable. Like when those people who listen told us about those little larvae in people's heads. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you put Vaseline on them and starve them of oxygen and they just sort of tunnel out, don't they? Disgusting. Dan Crowley has got a touch on the emails. Good day, guys. I'm from Melbourne, Australia, as the above greeting was designed to indicate. Enjoyable. I've got an important crisp flavor slash girlfriend inquiry. I'm sure you get a few of these.

In a conversation with some friends recently, my girlfriend was asked to describe me as a flavor of crisps. I can't remember how this question came up, but her instinctive answer was sea salt. When someone asked her why, she said, and I quote, it's because it's a very neutral flavor. Oh, boring. Boring. Well, so his friends all assumed that I'd be upset that my girlfriend thinks of me as a neutral flavor.

But he says he wasn't. He protested he wasn't. Because his line of thinking is, right, there's no answer that she could possibly have given to that question that I would have been happy with. I'm not convinced that there's any crisp flavor you could compare me to that i would find flattering chicken flavor doesn't say much about my confidence french onion i guess like french onion i don't know yeah well clearly in australia uh salt and vinegar a bit overbearing after a while uh given i'm half sri lankan i'd take any uh flavor involving chili uh as a racial slur. Anyway, I am a crisp-flavored pessimist. Anyway, am I a crisp-flavored pessimist or is there, as I suspect,

no such thing as a flattering crisp flavor comparison? Yeah. I mean, any food stuff is a bit like you've lost the fight, haven't you, because you're going to be eating. Yeah, I think I am. I think I am settlement here. I love settlement crisps. And I'll give you a couple of reasons

why I'm probably settlement here. One, because I am quite overbearing. And two, because my wife dislikes them. What would you be? How can you dislike... Smoky bacon, I'm just very... Just too salty. What, you repeat on me?

Too salty. Yeah, exactly. And I don't really... I don't really smell like the thing I'm supposed to be. I don't taste like the thing I'm supposed to be. Yeah, you can found that expectation. Because roast chicken crisps, roast beef crisps, and bacon crisps, whatever brand you buy, all taste the same, and none of them taste like the thing they're supposed to be.

And I'm fairly certain they're all vegetarian which tells its own story to be quite frank yeah and you are disgusted by vegetarians aren't you as well I'm disgusted

I find them very problematic I have some mints anyway so that's right that's it for this week I think we're going to shuffle off

and we'll be back on Thursday with more fun games buckets spades and hand grenades we are we're going to shuffle off and we'll be back on Thursday with more fun games buckets, spades and hand grenades we are the Seven Dwarves

and we'll be back on Thursday hello at lonepicture.com if you want to get in touch bye this was a stakhanov production and part of the acast creative network