The Luke and Pete Show - Webmistress Day

Episode Date: August 26, 2024

Luke’s baffled that Donny still buys paper train tickets, while Pete wonders if a wax ticket could get you into Madame Tussauds. After that, Pete dives into the banditry of Brazil and Luke introduces the newest member of his family… his Ring doorbell.And by the way, how are you celebrating National Webmistress Day?Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on X or Instagram.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete Show, it's the Monday the 26th of August, I am Pete Donaldson, I'm John May Mr. Lukey Moore, I had the devil you. Lukey Moore, I'm throwing this to you without any preparation, what have you got for us, what have you been up to? It's National Cherry Popsicle Day and I just need you, what are your feelings on cherry popsicles? I'm very, very positive on cherry popsicles. I don't need any type of popsicle really.

We don't really call them popsicles here, do we? We call them ice popsicles. No. I'm very much looking at an American website here. It's National Toilet Paper Day. I don't think that needs a day. We had one last week. But I'm just saying, everyone uses it every day.

We don't need to be encouraging awareness of toilet paper. Certainly not in the UK, do we? No. It's a bank holiday in the UK. And if you are not working, or if you're having a good time. But I also hope you're enjoying National Web Mistress Day. Absolutely. Honouring the hardworking web mistresses of the world. Imagine if you had a PR or a socials team and you said, Sophie, you are an excellent web mistress.

You'd be straight up at the HR beak, wouldn't you? You'd be in so much trouble. My web mistress, could you make a PNG of this? You'd have to do like you do in in in pubs and stuff medieval language Yeah, which would be confusing when you're talking about cascading style sheets, but you know, it would be it would be a bit of a culture Clash, wouldn't it? I was looking at the top 40 things to do in London on a bank holiday Right and a lot of them are just absolute nonsense. A lot of them are like, I'll go and see the ABBA Voyage musical.

It's like, well, I need to have planned that months ago. Yeah. I can't just do that now. To be fair, everything in London needs to be planned unless you are planning to just have a little drink in the Thames. Yeah, don't do that. And also, number 11 on visitlondon.com, and they should know better.

Number 11 is, come face to face with some of the world's most recognisable icons at Madame Two Swords. Don't do that. No, that's always inexplicably really, really busy. And I know there's like two swords all around the world, but like, I mean, I know it's the original and the best, but I don't know man They must be like do we really have? I'm not making a Sabrina carpenter one. She'll be she'll be yesterday's news by this time next week. I'm not doing it

I know we've got to do I know the tail wags the dog and we got to do stuff for socials But you know, I'd rather make Amy Winehouse fuck. I don't know Cap'n Kirk, you know that would make a bit of, fuck, I don't know, Captain Kirk, you know, that would make a bit of a kerfuffle wouldn't it? How do they decide who's going to stick around long enough to get one? Because Taylor Swift must have one. Oh yeah, she will have, she probably got one two albums ago, but it's just like, it's funny man, like I don't know why you would, you have to make, I don't know why you would... You have to make... I mean, it'll be like...

Who's the guy who's in... Because you just kind of tie between people who are famous and die, they've got to have one, and then there's famous people, and then there's people who are a bit... You've got to... Sabrina Carpenter has been a very good example. Doja Cat. Like, they're not getting getting one because you know for a fact they've only got two albums in them. Democracy Manifest.

Democracy Manifest. Surely you could modify a Michael Winner. Do you reckon that's what they do? Yeah I think so. They reuse bodies don't they? I think and then the rest of the heads they just put in stories don't they? So a bit of some... Mr Michael, you've got a year left and then we're gonna re-utilise your hair for a lovely Ian McKellen. Exactly. Did you see that when he fell off the stage playing false stuff, the fat suit saved him? Apparently so, which is amazing. It's amazing that he's still doing that stuff at that age. It's crazy really. You could just get away with it. Was it the lady who played... I want to say the lady who played Miss Marple

Is it Miss Marple? Yeah, I was Miss Marple. Yeah, Jessica Fletcher was Jessica Fletcher. Oh, she was Murder she wrote murder. She wrote that's it. All right, and She Angela Lansbury who played her she did like a one-person West End show when she was like 95. Yeah but she has always worked she was a child star wasn't she? So like she's all I think she's always worked and those people always feel like they're going to stay good. Give her some time off. Give her a 90s off for crying out loud. She died at 96 but yeah she was working right up to the end which is amazing really. That is amazing.

Speaking of Madame Tussauds though Pete, do you know how much it is to get a ticket on the day, a fast track ticket to Madame Tussauds? Fast track. Now what does that get you? I think it just means you haven't got a queue up outside on Baker Street in front of all those horrible cars. Oh, right, okay. I'd say 55 pounds for a fast driver. You're 57 quid. Yeah. Wow, that's really accurate for me. Well done, a good guess by the way. Thank you, yeah. I think that in its own way tells you how mental it is.

Yeah, maybe I could make a ticket out of wax. Make your own ticket. Well, you haven't got the real thing inside, so why should I have to, why can I not count for your tickets? Or when they chase you for getting in there without a ticket, just stop really still next to one of the waxworks. So they try and work out who you are.

With you that would be brilliant because you could be so many different famous people. Yeah, I would only be able to stop in the Nazi section. I don't think they've got a section of that. I think that's very much to limit their guests. I had a little flight of fantasy at Limehouse DLR station today. I've got, for some reason, Leoncy only, sorry I don't mean to dox myself, the general Southend area. You spent the last fucking show talking about how close you live to Southend airport, mate, so I don't think it matters. It's a good point actually, yeah, good point. Anyway, the, yeah, I, when I'm in, like, when you get a ticket, like a travel card, which,

when you, you use it all around London, right, and it's fine, the machines eat them, right, paper tickets, annoying, but it's paper. And by the end of it, it's absolutely ratty and it barely works. But, in, when you get to Leoncy station sorry the general South End area terminal building you put your card in you put your little ticket in and it eats it it doesn't it doesn't let you keep it yeah I know that's naughty in it yeah I always found that a bit I always found a bit disconcerting because I'll be like well what happens if I need to prove this in some way oh right oh well I mean the gates open, though, don't they?

So you're fine. You should be able to have a travel card. It's a travel card. Yeah. I can't tell you the last time I bought a paper ticket for anything, because I just use my I just use my Apple pay. Hmm. And I think I think even with so when we went to the Lake District as a family, the track, the journey back was going to be really tricky. So I put the Wi-Fi I have access to and our son on the train and I drove our stuff back.

And even the train ticket I bought for them, it was just an online ticket. I mean I don't really know why you're still buying paper tickets. What's the reason for that? I don't know to be honest. And the smart card system isn't very good. One machine doesn't accept AMEX, one automated machine. No one accepts AMEX. What are you doing? Everyone accepts Amex these days. They don't! One of the machines does. You're killing small business with Amex!

One of the machines hasn't! So that's annoying. So you're constantly just worrying whether it's going to work or not. But I was at Limehouse station and I had a travel card and the barriers were unmanned. And my, for whatever reason, probably got it too close to my phone or whatever, which apparently fucks with it, I had no idea why. I put it in the machine, didn't work. And so I had to sort of clamber underneath.

Instead of being a big man and just smashing through the barriers and going, fuck you. I thought I'd do a little, like a Catherine Zeta Jones with all those lasers kind of just go under the barrier. I bet it looks exactly like that as well. It looks exactly like that and I in my head was having this fantasy about arguing with someone who asked for my tickets after that you know I mean because I had debased myself by clambering on the floor in my lovely linen shorts and and and then I had a fantasy that someone would stop me and go hey let me see your ticket and I had to debase myself by clambering on the floor in my lovely linen shorts. And then I had a fantasy that someone would stop me and go,

Oi! Let me see your ticket. And I had this little speech ready that I was going to shout at them. What were you going to say? I was going to say, Don't you be treating me like a common criminal! Ha ha ha ha! You're not going to man the barriers! You don't come over and ask me if I've got a ticket!

Yeah. You shit fuck! Just, just yeah, all that. That's cutting that. That's cutting. If they saw you with your mustache. Doing a Catherine Seated. Little pair of linen shorts.

Like a pervert trying to get into a school. They are coming near you. They are not coming near you, mate. And a satchel. And a little satchel. Of course you did. Why don't you just buy a travel pass? Like a what's it called? Or just a use your debit card kind of thing. Because Amex, you know you shouldn't be using Amex. You choke small businesses Peter. The fees are too high. Why does it choke? Well they don't have to use it. Let's make it very clear, none of the small businesses do use it. That's why. We're all good. Right fine. I mean, none of the reasons. Let's make it very clear. None of the small businesses do use it So we're all good, right?

I'll just use the big businesses the Italian operated C2C Yeah, the tren Italia Network they can yeah, the Italians can feel those fees for me I'm some of our train networks run by governments of other countries. Yeah Yeah, it's amazing. I don't know. Is it's brilliant just sell off guys. We'll privatise our staff but we're actually gonna sell it nationally but to another country so they get all the benefits absolutely why they're buying it because I didn't think this thing had any value well I'll tell you what they're buying it well I think it does actually because the UK government will underwrite it so it

literally can't fail yeah and you just hoover up all the fucking money. Yeah. We should buy our own train. We should. We should have bid for Aviva West Coast. How bad can it get? Yeah, have a go. We'll have a go. You could be the PR guy. You can be the public spokesman. Yeah, I'll say I've driven a few trains in my time in train simulator. You have actually. 2022. Why do people love those simulator games? just because they're so relaxing because it

looked very very boring yeah I think they're quite I think I'd quite like to get involved in I'd get like a big rig truck simulator said before I would happily just sit there and just you know more through some I don't know Serbian B road with a with a load of stuff on my back. Oh, lovely. I've seen those trucks in Brazil, I think it is, where they, where the backs of them, they've got like this hydraulic lifts basically,

where they lift the, the back of the lorry is basically lifted up so that it sort of comes in at an angle, do you know what I mean like the back of the truck is lofted about you know 10 meters in the in the sky in the air and the truck is just is just sort of like dipped down into the into the soil and the dirt basically and it's in it's mainly because people would jump on the back of lorries and steel stuff so they just made it really really high so you couldn't get up very high.

It just seems like a very inefficient way of transporting goods, making the back of it too high. Why is that unique to Brazil? I don't know, I think it is just Brazil. If you Google Brazil, I'm sure Taylor will find a picture. But apparently, yeah, banditry in Brazil is rife apparently. And so these enterprising Brazilian truck drivers have changed things over.

I had a story that, quite a big top flight football team in Brazil, I forget what it was, I won't want to say Corinthians, but I can't remember. It was playing a game away from home and they lost to whatever and it was a poor result and right on the coach back. It's quite a long coach journey back some fan groups like pulled up hijacked the bus like Bandits that made it pull over Yeah, I mean it was in the middle of nowhere and slashed all the tires on the coach and just drove off and left them there Right, that's easyhelpful. Just to say fucking sort yourself out. But that's not going to make them better players is it? Being terrified.

It's not, no. And stuck in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. Taylor's tried to do that with my Toyota Century. You wouldn't have done a bad show. And then she realised what my level was and then she's like well I can't do anything no that man is limited. Last time I saw the third century it was parked in the car park at work and it was heavily leaning over to one side. It's just having a little power with another car. Having a little rest. Yeah it needs new suspension basically in the back so I've ordered some coils.

It was always going to happen, it was always needed to be done, but I just thought I had longer Luke. I thought I had longer. Is it easy to get parts for it? I'm not going to answer that one. It is easy. They're quite pricey. So I just thought I went, look, I don't care how stock it is you know I don't care that it you know feels the same as one that would be leaving the factory today would feel and instead of air suspension I'm just gonna put some common or garden coils in it so that therefore I don't have to worry about the air pump going wrong or you know me

having to spend more money on more parts and stuff so it's a bit of a future proofing for a 25 year old car but it's basically the problem is Sarah drives manual because she is a proper driver and I drive automatic and her car is very much manual so we've had to upgrade her car to an automatic so that I can drive her car for a bit. This is awful stuff. It's just awful stuff. She has mixed feelings about it. None of this should be happening. What do you mean none of it should be happening?

If we've got two cars and one of them breaks down, I will need to use it, won't I? Because we have responsibilities. I've got to take the dogs to daycare, baby. But you've bought a fucking Japanese money pit. It's already cost you of thousands of pounds. It's not a money pit though is it? It's gonna make money. Oh right yeah. When I do my little video in it going buy my car it's great. That was built into the price that I paid for it and it wasn't a lot of money and it's just another uh, another grand down the drain but it was a grand that was very much needing to be spent unfortunately. Yeah well there's always a grand that needs to be spent on that car. There's always a gran.

There's not! It's been absolutely fine. That's the USP of it. I've fitted me on rear camera. I'll do one on your car if you want. Red Lollister, however you want to do it. Speaking of which I've got a new ring doorbell. Oh yes please. I'll tell you about it after the break. Nimbie. Let's have a break and I'll tell you about it afterwards. Alright then. Hello, it's the Luke O'Pete Show. Oi, I saw you 3am at my front door. What were you doing? I got a motion alert on my phone. I know it was you. Motion alert. When the bloke, the wrong one, stabbed and murdered our local MP in Southend,

it's taking a turn, isn't it? They asked, I believe he walked down our road, the murderer. Wow. Chilling to think of, isn't it? So the neighbours ring doorbell. I mean, I don't really know why you need Ring Doorbell footage at the point in which you've taken the lad into the radicalised young man into custody. I don't think you really need to know what route he took from Leon C Station to be honest. Hello officer, just looking to help in any way I can. That's what they're saying. But

that's what I'm doing now. Since I've got the Ring Doorbell I'm basically messaging everyone on the street WhatsApp group individually just saying out of the blue, just saying things like, I saw you walking past my house earlier. What were you doing? And they just replied and going, oh yeah, I live on the street as well, remember? I'm in the WhatsApp group. No. Where were you going? No, where are you going? Come on. Come on. The reason I got one is because the doorbell broke and I thought, oh, I'll just get a ring because our house is a situation where you have to

You have to go down the stairs to go to the front door, right? It's a pain if you're in the back of the house Because I've got an Amazon Echo in the kitchen as well now I if someone rings the doorbell I can look at the Amazon Echo and just go oh It's a delivery guy whatever it's fine. And if I want to I can just press the mic button say yeah All right, mate sleep on the doorstep, I'll be down in a minute. It's great, it's a great bit of kit. Yeah, I will say that-

Why do you think it's a NIMBY thing? I just, I think I'm tainted by the fact that I signed up to the website Nextdoor, which is- Yeah, I've never used that. You know, like your local Facebook group for your town, it's just always just people going slowly absolutely insane. Nextdoor is basically the more intense people go to nextdoor.co.uk and it is just people

complaining that I've seen people complaining about like traffic light cameras but also complaining that somebody's been on the driveway. I saw these people putting a note through my door. Why are you putting notes through my door? And it's just all like grainy footage. You can't really sort of understand who these people are when they're sort of on the doorstep and stuff. But it's just very, very strange. The ring footage is very very good quality Peter. What a what a lovely, here you go here's one, what a lovely bunch of kids so well-mannered and polite taking their litter with them said no one ever about this group. They knocked asking if they could clean my car for £10, I declined their offer. What the video doesn't show is the boy then threw his can into another neighbours driveway

after being asked to pick it up and take it with him after leaving it on our property. They were very rowdy and quite intimidating. And the bloke who actually comes out of the house to remonstrate with the children is Henshers Farkin. He was intimidated by some kids. What would you have done in that situation Peter? who actually comes out the house to remonstrate with the children is Henshers Farkin. Really? He was intimidated by some kids. What would you have done in that situation Peter? Probably would have looked through my letter box, like that. No please leave me alone.

Analogue. Analogue. Old school. Just if you are going to jump up and down my car can you jump up and down the other side because it's leading to one side of the road. Yeah exactly. Might actually sort it out. Yeah.

If you're going to kick, can you kick your suspension arms? You're only about six months away from doing some roundabout camping, I reckon. I'm going to bring an email in from our friend James here who says, listen to your pub where the old divorcee sleeps outside. Remember that one, the guy sleeping in the garden on a hammock? That's right, yes. James has found a TikTok trend, I guess it's a trend, of guys who basically camp in the middle of roundabouts.

Hmm, okay, yeah. And they've got to get stuffy, don't they? He's as depressing as it sounds. But I guess some roundabouts. Well, I mean, it does mean that you're never going to be... But people do whizz round doors, and there's always damage to the middle of the... You know, the sign that has the go left please kind of vibe to it. There's always like damage where someone's absolutely smashed into it. Some of the comments are brilliant.

Good little holiday for the wife and kids. We did the M25 hard shoulder last year. Just got back from an all-inclusive on the M4 myself. Lovely little getaway. But it's a guy who's literally set up a hammock and a tent in the middle of a very overgrown roundabout. And he's saying it's actually really nice because you know no one's ever going to bother you. The traffic makes it quite relaxing. I mean the fumes would be fucking horrendous wouldn't they? But apparently it's a thing, it is a thing and James...

And people screech around them. Say again? People screech around roundabouts, so you'd have to pick a really quiet one. Yeah, it's not for me. I mean, it seems to me a bit like the thing you would do the night before you committed a horrendous crime. True, yeah well, they're going to be checking ring doorbells. Where did he come from? He didn't seem to come from any arterial road or train station. He just seems to have appeared in the street one time. It might even be illegal as well because I think in most parts of England you can't just camp anywhere.

It's not like Scotland. In Scotland you've got freedom to roam, right? Right to roam, where you can basically go anywhere you want. In England you can't do that So I wonder whether he's actually allowed to do that anyway Not that anyone's gonna approach him as they find him because I mean it's absolutely deviant behavior and if those of you who wonder and What he looks like a guy camping in the middle of a roundabout in Milton Keynes, which is where it is He looks exactly like you were imagining to look right now

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's hang on. He's how's he found a roundabout in Milton Keynes, which is where it is. He looks exactly like you imagine him to look right now. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hang on. How's he found a roundabout in Milton Keynes? Don't they famously don't have roundabouts because it's all squared off New City, wasn't it? Oh, do they not? I'm pretty sure it's there. Swindon. Swindon. You've got loads of roundabouts. You've got the Magic Roundabout. Well, it's a classic roundabout, that. It's five roundabouts around the world. Listen, the guy's TikTok account is, which has got, well actually not that many followers, the title of the video is roundabout camping in Milton Keynes.

Right, alright, fair. He knows where he is and I don't. Yeah, I'm back on next door, Luke. This morning I removed a post that I'd placed up of a tribute song for the lately Rigby and his son Jack Rigby Oh God while the song was clearly not sung by Jack himself It was a song that portrayed that in which made the words he would wish his father to hear What's that got to do with your local neighborhood? I don't know That that in which you shock myself and give reason to why I removed the post was the disrespectful comments placed upon the post. Allegations of false information and words that...

I mean, so it sounds very much like this person posted up a video, a tribute song for the late Lee Rigby, written and recorded by his son, Jack Rigby. They later find out that it's not actually Lee Rigby's son that's written these words for his father and somebody's just done an emotional song about what Jack Rigby might want to say to his dad Lee Rigby I mean it's just... It's demented It's demented

It's demented It's demented is what it is It's demented, yeah Oh dear I mean it's obviously a young kid has got... The wrestler Ken... Yeah, he's lost a dad It's a very sad story I Oh dear. I mean, obviously a young kid has got... Yeah, it's lost a dad. It's a very sad story. I don't want you to do that though.

I don't know why there's a certain generation of people who get really weird and mawkish. I guess it kind of like ties in with the war as well, I suppose. And a little bit of you know anti-terrorist sentiment which I guess a lot of it is is allowable but an understandable but I do think there is something slightly distasteful for stuff like that because it's spot on childs. Is it mostly blokes who've retired recently? Yeah yeah who just decide that they're decide that they're gonna write a song from the point of view of Lee Rigby's son, Cap Rigby.

There's a scaffolding company not far from where I live and the whole decor and aesthetic of it is Remembrance Day. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you see like, yeah, quite a lot of those, yeah, a lot of poppy stuff on their vanium stuff. So basically, you want to go and get a scaffolding from them and use them as your Scaffolder and you go and see them the whole front of it It's just photos of like World War one era soldiers and poppies everywhere all year round God love it. I absolutely love it before we go

Should we rope in another quick call center story because they've been pretty rich, that's been a pretty rich scene to mine over the last week. I started talking about it a while back, didn't I, because I used to work at a call center and people started emailing in their call center stories. Well, here's one from Andrew just to round off the show today, he says, hi guys, I have a story from my call center days, I still feel guilty about this incident

and the pain I caused someone. We used to work at a company offering free pension reports. One day, one of my colleagues was down one end of the desk and I was winding him up. The calls used to automatically come through to us. That's basically how it worked when I worked in them as well. You'd hear three beeps and then the call came in. He wasn't paying attention to the phone line and at the same time a call comes through, he told me to quote, fuck off. Right? Unfortunately, you know, a customer had obviously heard that as well and rather than try and make up some kind of excuse, he panicked and just hung up the call. He thought he had survived that, but then five minutes later our manager walked

over and with a face like thunder ordered him to get up from his desk and leave the office. We never saw that colleague again and I knew that I had cause to get him fired. Another thing we used to do is to sneak random phrases into the phone calls and I have to say my proudest achievement was using the phrase, don't forget to lick the barbecue llama. You're sincerely Andrew. How did you manage to do that? It can't be contextual. It seems like a stretch, doesn't it? It can't be contextual.

That cannot be contextual. I can't believe you never worked at a call centre Pete. I imagine you'd get very nervous about it. Oh yeah, God, that's the last thing I'd bloody do. There's a real vogue for sort of 16, 17 year old kids in my town because I think we have quite trustworthy accents, can you believe that? And there was a real vogue for a lot of big companies using our town as call workers. And yeah, I was very scared I would have to start doing that because I'm not...

I don't think they can make you do it, man. I think it was like the Victorian workhouse. No, it's not like inscription, no. You have to work for Orange. Well, they do say they're like 21st century workhouses, don't they? Yeah, you've got to clock in and clock out when you go for a week. People get timed and that kind of stuff, yeah it's not a great place. Anyway, alright mate, let's get out of here.

Alright, we've been The Luke and Pete Show, you've been fabulous, we'll be back on Thursday, so get your batteries in. If you've found a funny name, Battery, we want you, we want you as a new recruit for The Battery Daddy. Just get involved at hellollincolnpeachshaw.com and look after yourselves over the weekend... No, over the week. And we'll be back on Thursday. See you later, bye bye. Bye bye! The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.