The Luke and Pete Show - Whale Stench on the Machinery

Episode Date: August 17, 2026

Pete recently spent half a monkey on a hotel and went to see some atrocious stand-up. Luke’s reminded of the time he saw Van Morrison completely phone it in on stage. Also up for discussion today is the business of footballers’ eye-watering car insurance and Luke’s reservations about the expertise of vets.After that, it’s time to rattle through a veritable raft of emails, including one concerning the messy clean-up of a deceased and beached whale.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail] Luke and Pete Show is the sometimes ridiculous, always funny podcast with Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson: two men who have time on their hands and a good idea of how to waste it. Subscribe to get your comedy podcast fix every Monday and Thursday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Pete Joyce Monday, 17th of August. Pete Donaldson with you, John and Mr. Lukumner. Looky Mur, I went to a shore last week, and I forgot to tell you about it. Please do. It was the morning that we did the Rick Edwards' ramble record, and because I was out with Mark, my body shuts down every time I go out with Mark from Miss on me. You were right on state? I was right.

I was asleep in a hotel. I didn't do it was sleeping, mainly puking. It's so, it's so, somehow so depressing. Not even top 10 of my problems. Drop them to and drop them two. Is it, what's a monkey? Is that 100? 500.

500. Nearing off half a monkey on a, on an auto room to puke in. Do you know how I know that? Because in Alan Partridge, he offers a builder some money to fight someone for him. And he says, I'll pay your monkey. How much is a monkey? He goes, 500. He goes, how much is a mouse?

Anyway, carry on, yeah. You paid £200 if you could have a hostel, I know, yeah. Yeah, I went to the Soho Theatre and watched Patty Harrison, of which I'm a fan of, she's the woman in, I think you should leave. She is the one where does somebody get the office, and you get a new photocopy or something? Yeah, I recognise it, yeah, I recognise it, yeah. And she's going on about that Christmas has come early and stuff

as she gets upset. She's really good. She's really good on Twitter and stuff and I've not seen it before. And I think she's done like a fifth short at the Soho Hotel. Sohoa, um, uh, theater. And the first one looked like a lot of fun, a lot of like, a lot of work had been putting in this. This last one was absolutely atrocious. Was it?

I don't go enough comedy to sort of go, ah, to not feel really annoyed about it. Um, so. Why was it so bad? Uh, it was patchy, felt very work in progress. Um, there wasn't enough content in there. You know, I think, I can't imagine how difficult it is to be a trans woman in Trump's America.

But you can't, you can't do a show. You guys, you've got to do a show. You can't just talk about it. And use that as the, use that as the main event. Yeah, like, I'm across that, as much as I can be as a straight white cis man. But I was a bit like, come on. And it's like, you've done three jokes. And one of the jokes was you, you'd photoshopped your head next in the crook of Benjamin Netanyahu's arm.

And that provided a giggle. And also like the Hitchamai, US beat the HHMI thing was kept resetting. So the screen was flashing on and off, which added to the general kind of you've not really thought about this kind of vibe. Was it advertised like a work in progress? No, I don't think it was. I don't think it was. I didn't buy the tickets. I need to pay. Should I pay a mark for that?

Should I pay a mark for that? Because comedians do sometimes do that, don't they? They do sometimes do that, yeah. And I think she's doing a running in Glasgow, in Edinburgh, but yeah, I was just a bit like, I don't go into enough, I don't go to enough shores to waste my time with this, to be honest. Yeah, you want to make a count, I want to make a count.

I don't get enough time off. I don't get enough. And, you know, I'd balance myself out, so I didn't puke during the performance. So maybe I was just in a bad mood because I was, you know, on the verge of puking and pooping. Yeah, well done.

Probably was part of it. That's probably part of the reason. Yeah. Yeah. But did you see that chat about what Dave Chappelle was like in one of his first UK shows for a while? The people were getting fucking pissed off about that. I bet.

Yeah, what? He just came over and just did a lot of stuff. Or did a lot of crowd work or? Well, no, apparently. So apparently it was, so he came over and did, I can't remember how many nights, but he did sign at the Hammers of Apollo.

Yeah. And I was a big fucking venue. Right. And he's Dave Chappelle, right? Yeah. And he's been doing this for a while. Mm-hmm. You know, despite all his various controversies.

And he apparently came out, did 45 minutes. Mm-hmm. And then a lot of it was apparently recycled from earlier shows. And then he stood up, he basically said, like, honestly admitted to the audience. yeah I haven't really worked out an ending for this show yet so do you mind just giving me a minute and and then apparently just fucking made something crap up on the

on the hot on the hot and just fucking walked off yeah but that's kind of but I would say that yeah and that's not good enough either is it I suppose and I imagine like the Trapel tickets were like uncongered people paid hundreds pounds yeah wild yeah I mean it must be nice to um

it's back to the whole whole Bob doing anything again, isn't it? We spoke about on the last show, yeah. Yeah, it's just back to the kind of, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I saw Neil Young last summer supported by Cat Stevens and Van Morrison. Yeah. And Cat Stevens is like genuinely pleased to be there,

played all of his great songs, you know, fucking, you know, it was really, like, friendly. And Neil Young was obviously fantastic, also fantastic as well, although he has had a reputation in the past of being Canton because I very much he just didn't bother fucking trying he just stood up in front of a

under a big gazebo because it was so hot didn't play any of his big songs then when he did play brown-eyed girl I think at the end he did like a boogie woogey kind of jazz style and just fucked off yeah he's the worst he's the absolutely yeah some people just feel like they can just do whatever

oh by the way speaking the whole music thing something I wanted to like something caught my eye the other day was that um so I don't know how you feel about this maybe this is a fucking busted flush maybe this is a Dave chappelle ending of a conversational point, but it was interesting to me, is that

so would you say that when the strokes came out in 2001 that was when the big skinny jeans thing started, right? Yes, I would sense. They were very well known for wearing skinny jeans, right? Yeah, yeah. You reminded me of this, talking about Johnny Burrell the other day. And they were,

it was like a big fashion thing, right? Yeah. No one more skinny jeans were full out, did they? Um, I mean, would you put it down to them? Because like, they were like a big they were a big deal kind of band weren't they in a lord in a league in a big influence yeah yeah i would say so yes i would say so yeah so if you think of the classic strokes look which permeated every part of society if you're into that kind of thing then it it was converse trainers skinny jeans a little leather little leather jacket and like maybe

a striped t-shirt or something right a little bit of hair some some some fashion glasses well i saw a press photo, like literally yesterday, for the second Strokes record, which is Roobon Fire, came out in 2003, pretty much under two years later, right? And in that press photo, three of the strokes aren't even wearing skinny jeans. They're wearing baggy jeans. They're wearing baggy jeans, are they? Yes. Bruno Gemera is Arsenal unveiling?

Not quite, no, no. Not most salarate trabs on four baggy jeans. But like, certainly not genes you would call skinny jeans. So by two years later, they've already moved on. Right, okay. We were wearing skinny jeans to about 2015. Oh, we were, definitely. Little ballet pumps.

Love the old job. Yeah. So that shows you how quickly the old, the proper guys move on, doesn't it? Yeah. Well, yeah, I completely agree. You still do wear skinny jeans, don't you? No, I just own a load of clothes from back then, really.

I'm still pretending I can still fit into. Yeah. I mean, I do wear quite tight trousers, but they're chinos and not jeans. Oh. Well, I haven't actually worn trousers for about five. in three months. No, exactly. I've been,

like, I must have apologized to New Havens. They've seen me in my pants so many times. I'm just walking around the garden in my pants. They think you're doing it on purpose.

When was that ever acceptable? What's that to me? I think it should be acceptable. I think it should be acceptable. I don't, I see no difference between pants and swimming pants. I don't know what,

because I've got a paddling pool. I'm like, I'm just going to, I'm just going to put my, I'm just going to jump in with my pants. What are swimming pants? Well, like,

Like speedos or like Swim shots or whatever Like I'm just going to wear my Boxes because it's my paddling pool It's my garden I know what goes in and goes out I'm fairly certain my daughter's peeing in there Like I'm just going to enjoy it

I'm just going to enjoy the feeling of pant On leg My son pooed in the bath yesterday Oh that's always like Can I rescue this? Never can rescue it No get him out Get him out

Am I Am I going to be Fing poo from the From the Plug hole The drill, the plug-all. It was like, apologies for the too much information aspect of this,

but it was like lots of little ones. Yes. Good stuff. I was also in the bath at the time because we were having a bath together because I really needed one as well. And it's quite a fun at having a bath with the boy. Yeah, yeah.

It became interesting enough fun. I've never done it, but I'd just be worried that I'd poo in there. Yeah. Oh, was it him? Was it him? Yeah. Who knows?

Sounds like an arm's rest to me. He tried to spin it quite. I was quite proud of how much he tried to spin it because he said, Daddy, I didn't do it in my pants. I was like, no, you didn't because you weren't wearing the pants because you're in the bath. Yeah, well done. You get so immune to it though, right?

Yeah. Well, he, like, I imagine, I imagine once you've done something like that. You are, did you see that clip of that police officer who had confiscated a limited edition, Ferrari in London for being untaxed and uninsured. He was untaxed and uninsured. I bet he was delighted. And he's,

and he's just in his normal, you know, um, close. And then he just drives off in a, you know, 3.7 million pound convertible Ferrari. Bloody.

Why would you have so much mind if a car like that and not insure it or fucking. I know, yeah. Maybe you just can't, maybe you just can't do it at that, that level. Maybe you're just been,

you know, maybe you just can't, I suppose. They do say that, you've got to tax it. Yeah, but you can you imagine, I don't know what the limits are with tax. I imagine there is a limit to tax. But insuring it, you know, I imagine those things are very hard to insure.

You'd just be on third party, wouldn't you? It would be a specialist insurance provider, and it would cost loads of money. But also, I wonder whether the really, really wealthy people would just not just have general insurance policies for everything that happens. Oh, what? If they're just like, yeah, no, maybe. Or just a broker that just deals with everything. But you legally have to, because you can get insurance on anything, right? If you've got to find a broker and they'll do it, you can get whatever you want.

But surely if you've got that much money, you will not, I mean, you have to have insurance to drive legally in the UK anyway, right? Yeah, yeah. But like you can kind of, yeah, I just don't. I can't imagine how much your insurance is, your insurance premiums are if you're driving a 3.7 million pound vehicle. They do say with, like, footballers and stuff, like, they're so. young and they're footballer so they're daft.

Like, it's really hard to get anything insured, like anything decent, you know, Ranger over and upwards insured because you're a 22 year old footballer. No one's going to, no one, or maybe they do just because, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. You know, they've probably got enough money to sort of pay for the premiums, but I would not trust any, you know, young person with a really expensive car like that. Especially because those cars are like, by the very nature, really, really unpredictable. You've got to be, you've got to know, like, I think JLENO was sort of saying, like, I can't drive off my cars because they're just so, they're just so powerful and you really need to know what you're doing.

Well, you know that kid Brandon Williams, he's played for Maynard, and he got a lot of legal trouble. Right. And he's kind of disappeared off the scene a bit. He played, I think he was at Hull City last year. He had issues with driving offences. Right. And he, like a year ago, he was sentenced to a suspended jail time. for various stuff.

He went on Ben Foster's podcast and said, and he, at the time, I think he was like 21, maybe 22. Okay. And he said, he had a Mercedes G-Wagg. You know those like G-wagons?

They're fucking great. I love them. They're really cool. Right. They cost like 200 grand. He said he paid 24,000 pounds a year insurance on it. Yeah. I presumably that was before his offences.

so God knows how he's paying now but I mean I suppose they will they will I mean they will take your business right because they you know it's good money for them yeah I guess so but they're almost going to be crashed aren't they? Are they going to be you're going to get tint in on them? Well that's what that preempt says to me Peter yes yes that yeah that seems like

you are going to crash this as a result you will be paying us this amount so what was that 24 grand a year? Yeah yeah I mean well how are you going to are you going to give him a new car that's like 200 grand? I mean, they're obviously saying that he's not going to write it off. Right, okay. He might have a, he might prang it or something or.

Right. And in many cases, it might just be that he drives into someone else and their insurance needs to be covered, you know, that kind of stuff. But you're right. It's going to be, but there's a whole kind of cottage industry around footballers, isn't there? You know, you can, you can get these kind of assistants that will do stuff for you. you get player liaison officers. Like big football clubs have got big player liaison teams now.

They'll basically do anything. I remember if you Matt Murray, the Wolves goalkeeper, when he said his first year of not being a footballer, he said he looked back on it. He's embarrassed. He didn't even have to book a doctor's appointment.

He said he should get the club to do it. Yeah. And I didn't know who to call. You didn't know what difference in the surgeries was. Didn't know anything. So I think they do get looked after in that way. Until they drop like a hot pie when they're aftercare for footballers

is always just disgraceful it's so bad and Peter should we do a couple of emails while we're here yeah let's do some emails we've done any correspondence for a while so

okay so the other day Peter you were talking about a scientific ruse you would come up with to try and separate people from their money that sounds like a sort of thing you would do

that sounds like a perimeter scheme I'd be up for talking about on the show and you said that what you would do is say that you could you could heat water to higher than 100 degrees.

Yes. You know what I saying that? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Oh yeah. And I think I said at the time, I'm sure people can, you know, I think I even name check

superheated water because, yeah. Well, Fort is Leo on the Rambled Discord said, your superheated water is a thing. You can have liquid water at 300 degrees if you do it in a pressure, because the pressure, the atmospheric difference means that you can keep on doing it.

And am I right in saying that if your altitude, If you're at altitude, the boiling point's different anyway, right? I don't know. No, but like, because if you're at altitude, would it be that different? Would it be different? Yeah, I'm looking at it now, right? So apparently the boiling point of water is 100 degrees Celsius, but that's at sea level.

Right, okay. If you're at 10,000 feet, it's only 90 degrees. Ah. So I'm probably, so compared to you, my, my boiling point is probably slightly different because I'm near a sea level. So if we were, if we were, if we were. Boiling a pan of water on each of us heads, mine would need slightly lower temperature to boil.

Have you seen those little kind of, I've seen those little sort of tiny pressure cookers that you rotate over a lamp, like a small sort of cooking lamp. You see them all on YouTube. I don't know what they were used for. But I think you mainly see people cook, cook two things in them,

either one single chicken leg or a popcorn. So they stick popcorn. on this tiny little, it's a tiny pressure cooker about the size of like your palm. And I guess you cook them and cook them and cook them and cook them.

And because they're under pressure, it has no place for the popcorn to explode to. So you're just cooking and cook them. And then when you flip open the lid, it has all the room to sort of bash out a lot of popcorn. And it goes like that

and it's all spectacular. I don't know why they've been created. I presume they've been, created just for popcorn, because I can see no reason why. The only other thing I've seen people sort of do is just jam, jam like a chicken leg in there. I cook it that way, but... It doesn't seem very efficient, no. But, well, I guess it would be cooking it over candle.

Is a pressure cooker used then, for example, like, in a professional kitchen, if you want to make, you want to slow cook some pork or something, but you haven't got the time. Yeah. If you do it in the pressure cooker, you can do it quicker, right? Yeah, you cook it quicker, yeah, yeah. because I like it because I could probably that would probably

because it's basically the like a Victorian air fryer in it I guess like a yeah what about this email here from Danny on whale removal

so do you remember when I said to you guys I've said it a few times now a while back that there was a whale washed up at Leone Ceylon Southernam Beach and it was amazing

right Danny's been in touch saying hi guys been me and he's writing about this for a while Lucas mentioned on the pod several times that one of the biggest things ever to happen on this hometown of gospel

was in a whale washed up and had to be removed. He said, I'm from neighbouring Portchester and one of my best friend's dads owns a demolition company called Wessex Demolition, which was actually the company brought in to remove the well carcass from the beach. What about that? Oh, love that.

Yeah, he said, I asked my friend about the process as their usual contracts involved demolishing buildings, so this was a little out of the blue for them. But after a tugboat brought the carcass onto the shore, It was Wessex's job to separate the body into pieces small enough to fit into waste lorries and then lift them using diggers. Now, I don't remember a tugboat dragging it in. I remember hearing it got hit by a boat and then it kind of washed up. But then admittedly, by the time I got to the beach to see it, it was already on the beach.

So I couldn't confirm that. He said the problem came when they first used the digger bucket to break the well into smaller pieces. the smell released when the digger first pierced the whale's stomach was the worst thing any of them had ever experienced and unlike anything they ever smelt before, it was so bad that the first digger driver threw up inside his cab and then the wind changed and everyone on the beach started gagging. I don't remember that.

I was fucking there and I don't remember the smell. So maybe I got lucky on that. He said, his mate's dad had to get into the digger himself as the original driver couldn't continue. They managed to get loaded up on the truck. and it was taken away and dispose of by another company. All in all says, Danny, they massively regretted

accepting the contract as the stench of the whale stayed on the machinery for weeks afterwards. I bet. And he's included a few pictures, which is great. Yeah, really good. Big old boys, aren't they? Big old... I think... It was a mink whale, I think. Right. You'd think

I always sort of, if we can sort of take a... I mean, where did it go? He's just got the tip? Not sure. Is it? Is there a way you have to kind of dispose of it? Presumably you are. I mean, if it's Lamb of Council, they'd be all over you. They'd be telling you all sorts of stuff you had to do.

If Nicky Bot turns up to the tip with a massive mink whale. Apparently, so Peter, apparently it was a fin whale, not a weak minc well. But it was 80 feet long and it weighed 45 tonnes. I just sort of think that if we can, could you not just lay it on one of those? You know, you see those kind of aerial photographs of companies. taking those the wind turbine what do you call them

blades down the street and they're like and they're tethered at the bottom and they just sort of wangle their way around really tight sort of bends and stuff but they're absolutely massive probably the size of this because you don't just lay one on one of them

I just think we've got the technology nowadays we don't need to cut it up anymore just take it as take it all in one but you've got the spot of it somehow you have to no I know but surely it's the C's problem because you know, just took it out to the back out to sea.

Yeah, they'd just leave it. Yeah, they die all the time, don't they? Like Tony, Pauli and Sylvia do to Big Pussy and Sopranos. Just wrap some chains around it. Yeah. Push it off the back of the boat. Take him into the bow of the boat. Take it into the bottom of the boat and just shoot them in the head.

A good feeding follow-up, a good feeding kind of opportunity for many other species, presumably, as well. Exactly, exactly. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be getting rid of it. Someone said to me, you need to get rid of this whale and you quoted like a million quid for it and you got the job. I mean, how are you even doing it? Well, I would say that the, I just don't think that a demolition company are the, and surely, they've never have to work with flesh before. Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Surely, like a surgeon or a, I don't know, who would chop things? Like a vet would be your best, you know, a bet would at least be on hand to come. kind of direct, you know, the best part of, the best places to kind of cut, cut and stuff like that. I don't think, I don't think you should have you in a demolition company. I've got a big, I've got big question marks over vets.

Mm. Because I just think there's so many animals, you know, so is it like, you know, if you're a doctor, you specialize in a certain area, so you get some people who are like bowel specialists or neurosurgeons or paediatrics or whatever. Do you reckon you get certain vets who specialize in certain animals? Yeah, but I mean,

but you're major food groups of dogs and cats, aren't they? That's what I'm saying. So what are they going to know about a whale? No. If I walk into a common or gone High Street vet with a duck bill platypus, are they going to know what to do with it? I don't think they are.

I think they'd sort of know, in the same way that like, they probably know that a tortoise's mouth is full of salmonella, just the same way that salamander's mouth is full of salmonella. Yeah, but it's just kind of like, I just sort of think with stuff like that, there are, most things work for everything.

That's why people can buy veterinarian drugs to treat themselves. You're like criminals. and they're having a bad time. Go and get some surgery. They'll get a bullet removed by a vet. So they're raising that suspicious by a corrupt vet. But I just have my dad.

I think they're reaching for the reference book straight away. Yeah. If you're saying to them, I think my duck bill platypus has got a stomachache. Yeah. So, well, they'll be specialist vets, but then there'll be ones that, but maybe some of the vets,

because, like, we'll specialize in certain things at university and stuff. Like farm animals or something. How long does it take to become, like, a vet guy? It must be quicker than human shoes. I think it's longer. Really? More variation. Shall I Google it?

But you'd want more money, wouldn't you? You'd want more money, wouldn't you? I think they're pretty well paid, aren't they? Well, I don't know. Not as well as doctors, though, will they? I mean, I don't know. I guess it's kind of like, it's public. It's not public, is it?

It's private. According to the National Career Service, it takes six years of full-time university study to qualify as a vet. Right, okay. That seems like a lot. It's about the same thing, right? It's about the same as a doctor. Yeah, I mean, obviously you probably get farm specialist vets, right?

Your cows, your sheep, your horses, you kind of, you're pigs. Yeah, yeah. And then you're going to get your communal garden cats or dogs. And then you'll get the blocks who just maintain, because they're such big animals. They're the maintainers. The people who are like shearing off, getting nails out of hooves and stuff like that. Do you reckon also the people who specialize in, say, primates, they're basically the similar

to doctors because primates are so similar. They must be. The drugs must be the same. Like the techniques are the same. Everything's in the right place. Everything's in the same place. The griller is just stronger than the man. That's what it is.

Everything else is the same. Hairier. I'm always surprised at how when they, when zoos and stuff, even like their tiniest little animals, they've got a gassum to get them to sleep, even if just to sort of do like, you know, just to do

health checks on them. You have to sort of sedate them and then just check them out. Which I think, like, could you not just sort of do, just grab all of them, one of them and just see, look at their plumage or something? Is it like, the best, the most exciting one is when you see that, oh,

there's talk that this particular rhino and this reserve has got a problem. So they chase it with a helicopter and fire a tranquil or dart at it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And wait for it to fall over. Yeah. Get in there quick. Check it out. And then they, then they, then they, then they, get away before it wakes up again. What must the rhino think's happening?

Yeah, exactly. It's being chased by a helicopter, and then it's had a little sleep, and it's woken up, and it feels the same bit. What's going on? Anyway. I've got one more email here from James. He says, dear Luke and Pete,

thanks for reading out my Instagram message about the Bayo Tapestry replica in the Reading Museum. I don't blame Luke at all for Slate in my hometown. I haven't lived in Reading since finishing school over 20 years ago. though I think I probably was in the home end for the Jason Roberts inspired Pompey defeat. That's the game I referenced. Great season for Reading in 2012,

but it's been downhill ever since. The real reason I'm emailing again is that the influencer who filmed that not like Reading quote is actually my step-nephew. What? Yeah. The guy who interviewed him?

No. Right. Oh, sorry, the influence who filmed it is my step-ness. Not the actual guy. No, that's not as good. No, not as good. It pays to be slightly to know that the most viral insult.

against my hometown was published by a relative, but it's a cracking clip. Say hi to Rob if you read this out, loving the show as always. So I'd love to meet the guy who did it. Yeah, I would too. You told me I can't do his, I can't do an impression of him because it's racist, though. You can say the words. I just think doing the rolling the, rolling the, rolling the, rolling the, is in the delivery, though. It is in the delivery, though. It is in the delivery.

I completely agree. And it's, it's a real shame. It's a real shame. It's honestly one of the most surprisingly pleasing clips. It was, it's banter delivered, uh, I don't know if he means it as banter though. Yeah,

of course he does. I think he might just be like I've been to, I've been to, I've been to, where is he, Bracknell, I mean. Somewhere near Reading, I guess. Yeah.

Hmm. I don't know if he actually means it to be, maybe he does. All I get served up these days is, um, on my social feed is, uh, got,

admittedly I watched them and I enjoy them, uh, clips of men fighting in pubs. Nice. Don't mind it. Absolutely don't mind it. We'll be back for more Luke and Pete Show fun, if that's all right with you, on Thursday. Thursday, yeah. Thursday, 20th. I think we've got a battery, we promised. Oh, yeah, we'll do a battery for sure.

We'll do it a bit of a while. We'll be back then. Look have yourselves. Tata. See you later. The Luke and Pete Show is a stack production and part of the Acast Creator Network.