The Luke and Pete Show - When life gives you banana skins, make cocaine!

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

This week, the lads are on the ultimate myth-busting mission, as they try to work out if you can make cocaine out of banana skins and turn non-alcoholic drinks alcoholic. Elsewhere, Luke sends us to finishing school again, but this time he educates us on pub etiquette. Hot tip: don’t make a barmaid cry by turning down the pub quiz. Plus, another car update from Pete!Want to get in touch with the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Follow us @thelukeandpeteshow.***Please take the time to rate and review us on Apple, Spotify or wherever you get your pods. It means a great deal to the show and will make it easier for other potential listeners to find us. Thanks!*** Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the Luke and Pete show I'm Pete Donaldson and we're back doing what we do fourth best doing the Luke and Pete show talking about what's happening in the world and stuff

what are the top three things if this is your fourth best contribution to your kind of week what are the three things you're best at oh what are the three things I'm best at

I had to do a video for the Ramble youtuber to do a sponsored post um about hello fresh oh yes i was really pleased to see that because we've been waxing lyrical about them for ages a company we spoke about before yeah um and um they they wanted to get involved and get so i had to basically cook a hell of fresh meal but what i usually do is i'm busy i'm gonna do half of it in the air fryer it's gonna look like shit but it's gonna taste okay you actually had to cook something for so i had to actually follow the instructions i'm annoyed they've come to you instead of me for this to do it at a speed that is commensurate with making a

delicious nutritious meal uh so that's what i was doing yesterday basically i filmed the video and uh and and took a shot of um of of my work i'm still not that happy with it but it was something that i'd spent uh more time than was you know normal people could bash with that and it would look amazing but i spend a lot of time getting the configuration of the broccoli right so what did So what meal did you actually have? It was some kind of fish. Basa? Basa?

Oh, basically, okay. Yeah, I've had that one. Okay. So you've listed me something that you don't think you are very good at. I've asked you the top three things you are good at.

Oh, well, that's what I did. I was pleased with that. That's my only achievement this week. Yeah, I was pleased with that, even though it wasn't that good.

The breadcrumbs weren't, some of them were darker than I'd like. And anything else, Peter? Fixing things? I had a bit of small talk at half past 10. You might be improved on that. You might be getting Clubman of the Year on that, but you're not good at that.

I've improved my small talk, Luke. Tell me. I did it at half past 10 half past 10 last night on someone else's property poor start already what are you doing there um what am i doing there um that bloody car i'm importing um it's still still waiting for the devio later give me some goddamn registration fucking plate um so i can't drive it on the road. But I came to some sort of arrangement with a man who is part of the Just Park universe where you just park on someone's driveway.

I didn't know about that. That sounds interesting. You know, like Just Park, where you park on people's driveways. So if you need a parking space in London, no one's got a parking space. But you go on this website, Just Park, get involved.

Let's get sponsored for sure yeah you can basically park on other people's driveways for money I thought you were parking on the driveway of your father-in-laws

at the moment moved it moved it needs to be closer to me so I can keep an eye on it how far away is how far away from you it's behind the big

Waitrose it's about three five roads it's about it's like a ten minute walk no how far away is your father-in-law from you oh he's like 40 minutes away and uh he had enough as well though is that part of it it's yeah i wouldn't have put that put him through that i mean i was considering

doing an oil change on his front i can't i can't be doing that i'll get oil everywhere yeah i can get oil everywhere but yeah he's aspirated by you regularly or um the only time we've ever had crosswords was when he made me take back that air fryer to build but he's pretty he's he puts up with me he's not seeing my dance and i imagine he's a better dancer than me always got music on in the house i love um older people who have music on in the house all the time. I think it's a lovely thing. What kind of stuff? Ah, your 50s stuff, I suppose. Your 60s stuff, I suppose. And a lot of people after the Thursday show,

a lot of people asked me actually if Pete's dancing style has changed since those halcyon days of the 2000s at Oxygen Nightclub in Leicester. Have you developed your work much since then? No, no, very, very much the same. You can't still be doing the same. I don't do the Michael Jackson dance now. I don't do the Michael Jackson.

If you go to these indie clubs, that's all they've got playing. They've got all the old songs playing, really. Speaking of that, you wouldn't partake in a Dance For An Event now, would you? No, probably not. Nah, maybe. It depends. no probably not maybe it depends yeah speaking of that

alien ant farm thing we were talking about on Thursday did you obviously they did a cover of Smooth Criminals we mentioned

there's a video that we referenced and I was reading that Michael Jackson obviously gave them sign off to cover that song but I think one of

the things he said was he back then when they still did music videos he wanted sign off on cover that song. But I think one of the things he said was back then when they still did music videos, he wanted sign off on the video as well. Okay. And obviously Alien Out Farm wanted to kind of parody him a bit. And so they ended up,

I don't know if you remember the video that well, but there's a bit where there's a kid doing an amazing Michael Jackson impression. Yes. He's got a Michael Jackson mask on. Very much commensurate with the guy the face that michael jackson ended up having rather than the classic face okay yeah i mean right yeah um so they did but they did it anyway and they sent the video off to jackson's people and apparently the

message came back saying look you're happy you can have all of it but um you need to lose the mask it's like right so everything else is fine so redo need to lose the mask. It's like offensive. So everything else is fine. So redo it, but without the mask. And so they went back and they redid it. And the kid was just the kid without the mask. Yeah, I don't remember the mask thing. Yeah, but they sent it off again.

And apparently they got a message back from Jackson saying, actually, I quite like the mask. I think I prefer the mask. Which is kind of weird. Okay, that of weird. Oh, okay. That is weird. I mean, I would say, I know you've got to please a man who has the final write-off on your song,

but it just seems like, it seems kind of, like, time is money and all that. You can't just keep reshooting, especially because that's an ensemble bit. There's a boxing ring, I recall. There's a front, it's in front of a house.

How can you keep reshooting that for crying out loud? I have no idea. Maybe they just did that scene again. Just picked up that scene. I love a bit of lost media. We should release the tapes. And one thing else

I wanted to bring up, Peter, just as a matter of due diligence in terms of a callback, is that people were very, very enamored with your incredible job as impromptu royal correspondent after the Kate Middleton saga. And then since we recorded that episode, there was a video released of the Duchess, as you kept calling her,

and her husband, the future King of England, out for a walk. And so that was like, okay, that's everyone. Everyone's put that to bed or whatever. Then it turned out a load of people were credibly saying that it wasn't actually them

why I'm getting drawn into this now there are so many people in that scene at the garden centre or whatever the fact

they were with camera phones in their pockets why is it a long lens why have we got the TMZ watermark? Why have we got the sun watermark all over it? It just seems insanity

that they would have another go at this if indeed the palace is up to nonsense. But it doesn't... Genuinely, Pete, it doesn't actually look like her. It doesn't look like her. It looks like her enough. For what? But it doesn't look like her enough it's so silly why

are they why are they doing this why are they continuing to do this are you saying like it should be sold in five seconds if it was then because people would have uploaded something to twitter or instagram or something that'd be that yeah or if she's if she's well enough to walk to walk around the garden center pick up up a few gnomes or whatever. Like, get her to film herself on the thing. I'm fine. I'm just picking up some azaleas and a grow bag and some cement and I'm fine. I'm absolutely fine.

What are you planning? I'm buying some fertilizer. I am. Depressing grave. I'm planning an atrocious attack. Yeah. Maybe that's why she's in the garden center buying fertilizer i was saying no one's gonna ask kate middleton how much fertilizer she's bought she might have gone she might have you know gone to different garden centers to make

it look less sus i can't ever bring myself to buy more than three bags of fertilizer because it's so dense and difficult to carry like it's it's sold you're on a list if you're buying more than one uh a bit of fertilizer you're going on a list mate i'm buying what i'm buying exactly the amount my wife tells me to buy or i'm in trouble i'm not i'm not making i'm not making you another cup of tea because I am generally... You're on a no-fly list. I can't fund your little plot with all of your bags of fertiliser in your

house in South London. Local South London man. But how does that actually... At the risk of opening up a can of worms here... Explode it, blowing up a can of worms. How does buying fertiliser allow you to do something explosive? I don't understand up a can of worms here. Presumably. Explode it, blowing up a can of worms. How does buying fertilizer allow you to do something explosive?

I don't understand the process. Not a clue. But I imagine it probably had something to do with that little floppy disk you used to have on the Omega called the Jolly Rogers Cookbook. Oh yeah.

That was a funny old thing, wasn't it? That was a funny old thing. I didn't think it was called that. I thought it was called something else. I think it was just like a collection of, like, naughty stuff, wasn't it?

It was a collection of how to make bottle rockets, knives, you know, ninja stars. I thought it was just called the Pirates Cookbook. I think it was the Jolly Rogers Cookbook, wasn't it? Tell people exactly what it was so they'd know what you're talking about.

It was basically just a collection of, sort of, text files, documents that could tell you how to make rudimentary IEDs and stuff. It's called the Anarchist Cookbook. Oh, yeah, okay. Maybe I heard, what was the Johnny Rogers? I think similar vibes, I think. Anarchist Cookbook, Johnny Rogers Cookbook, whatever. Yeah, so interestingly enough,

apparently it included instructions on the manufacture of explosives, rudimentary telecommunications devices, and how to manufacture illicit drugs, including LSD, right? Cool. It was written and published, self-published, by a guy in the 70s as a protest against the United States' involvement in the Vietnam War. I see. That's where it came from. So you wanted Vietnam War. I see. That's where it came from. So you wanted to overthrow. I see. That's really interesting.

But yeah, you ended up with it on the floppy disk for the Amiga. Exactly. Wow. And I had no kind of... I had no access to anything I could... Because, I mean, it was very American-focused, I think, wasn't it?

It was like... Yeah. It was all that. But do you remember that rumour that went round school when we were kids that you could make cocaine out of banana skins well people smoke

banana skins didn't they it was kind of like that was a the overriding memory I have of people that was a thing I don't know if I directly witnessed it

or people telling me was that like if you dried out banana skins ground them down and did something you could make cocaine obviously that's

complete fucking bonkers but why would it be so expensive but there was but there was yeah exactly and did something that you could make cocaine. Obviously, that's complete fucking bonkers. Why would it be so expensive? But there was also a rumor that went around my school, and you might be familiar with this. Do you remember the non-alcoholic lager Calibre? Yes.

And it's Calibre. You would see Calibre. Could you not get Calibre in America? It was advertised in this country by the great Billy Connolly. Yes, I remember that, yeah. Anyway, so what used to happen was people would, where I grew up, people would say, if we go into the off-license and buy Calibre, they can't stop

us even though we're underage because it's got no alcohol in it. So that was the first protocol, so you do that and then somewhere, someone said all you need to do is crack open the can, fill it with X amount of sugar and it activates the alcohol and you can get

really pissed. Which again, I don't think is true, but then what people were then doing was doing that and then obviously psychosomatically either thinking they were pissed or pretending to be pissed. Off their head on sugar, I imagine. Meanwhile, I was just getting the older kids to get the cider and drinking that. Yeah, some Route 1 stuff from you, Lukey, there. You can hear more about that after this break.

That's what you used to do. How old were you when you first got drunk? Probably about 14, probably 14, 15.

And were you frightened? What do you mean? Of what I'd become? Getting found out and stuff. No, I think back then,

because stubby lagers were in vogue, weren't they? You couldn't really get pissed on stubby lagers. You'd only have two or three and you'd feel a bit...

So this is what the dads and mums have been drinking. It's disgusting. Absolutely disgusting. But you'd get stuck into a stubby... No, you love a fizzy lager now, I'm sure, am I, wouldn't I? Like a fizzy lager, I do, yeah. Absolutely love it. I remember once when I was a kid...

Did you remember that stuff, 2020? MD 2020, yeah, my dog. My dog! What was it called? MD 2020 yeah Mad Dog Mad Dog what was it called? MD 2020 yeah it had the dog on it didn't it? Mad Dog

nah did it? I think so I think it started Mad Dog and then they changed it to MD 2020 because I think there was a big

backlash against alcohol pops after Hooch oh massively and remember we were talking on Thursday about how like people were smoking doors and you could do all this stuff and like you were saying people were drinking Nuki Brown now massively and um when we're talking um on on thursday about how like people would smoke indoors

and you could um do all this stuff and and like you're saying people drinking nukey brown now and skateboarding in nightclub like back back when you look back on it for a good period of time there were alcohol companies actively marketing alcohol at kids hard lemonade i mean like people quite wild to think about. People talk about, like, hard seltzers and stuff nowadays and bean market at kids. But I mean, like, yeah,

I mean, hooch and stuff. It's a direct kind of, like, come and have this. It tastes just like lemonade. So you can still buy MD 2020 now. I was just going to say that one of the first times I got drunk was in a park

with MD 2020 and I think it was some awful kind of kiwi flavour or something. But... I think I bought... I think I bought a bottle for Sarah's nephew when he was 18. What? What? What do you mean? How old is he?

He was 18. Why are you buying it from him then? Because it was his 18th birthday. And he can't, and he probably because he's a healthy, muscle bound, like working out guy, he's probably quite healthy. But I thought, no, you can't be. You have to have MD2020.

So he didn't want it? No, he tried it and he was open. It was quite nice. Because it is nice. MD2020 is nice. But it's not built for people who actually like alcohol. When did you do this? People who don't like alcohol.

Three years ago? I just think he's got a bit of pedo energy about it. You've already talked about the fact that he works out and he doesn't really like alcohol, so he's probably not comfortable around alcohol, but all of a sudden, here's the pervy uncle. He used to be in a punk band, he's all right. There's never been any problematic punk artists.

I think most of the punk artists that I used to listen to had problematic relationships with their fan base, I think. Most of the sort of remnics, turn of the punk artists that I used to listen to had problematic relationships with their fan base. I think most of the sort of remnics turn of the millennium. Awful. Yeah. That's definitely the case. Have you made a habit of buying alcohol, alcoholic products for kind of young people or?

No, I don't tend to do that, but I thought it was just a funny joke. What about if you're walking for a town and- And some kids go, can you go in there and get me some alcohol? And they say they're 17. Yeah.

And they'll give you an extra 20 quid to do it. A little taste. A little taste. Donny gets a taste. What are you doing? How are you dealing with that? This is a good way of exercising

your small talk skills. Guys, I will happily buy you a big bottle of Lambrini or whatever the kids are drinking these days, but I want to go to the park with you because when I was... Problems everywhere. At that age, never indulged. Never indulged in going to the Burn Valley and getting pissed on cider.

Never did it, right? Too scared? Too scared. What did you do instead then? Played the Amiga. Played on my Amiga, all right? And I got a little bit... Oh, is Zool a reason?

Yes. Yes, it is. It's Robocods. It's Robocods. James Pond 2. James Pond 2, Robocods. Is that a reason? James Pond Olympics.

I used to play that quite a lot. Anyway. Yeah. Do you know what I would do? I'd say, guys, keep your 20 quid and use it to buy the latest Robbie Williams CD. All the cool kids like him. He's doing some great stuff at the moment. Some great stuff, yeah.

Go and treat yourself to a copy on compact disc of Swing While You're Winning by Robbie Williams featuring, yes, featuring Jonathan Wilkes. Guys, guys, get your,

take that £20 note, book yourself a train and get yourself to Glastonbury Festival. Yeah. £20. £20. You won't have heard

much about it. It's quite a new alternative festival. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get yourself that. By the way, speaking of that, I was talking about Glastonbury. I was in the pub yesterday in the usual spot.

A few Morettis, Peter. A few Morettis. A few Morettis. Is that your lager of choice? You take the piss out of my lager drinking, but you're a lagerman yourself. I am. Because you scared your taste something, lager boy.

Yeah, I'm afraid i might taste something i um i do my my lager choice would be cold harbour lager by brixton brewery okay the local brewery to the pub i go to but they stopped serving it because it's too expensive to you yeah because i'm too trouble too difficult to deal with um but you know what he said the landlord who i've kind of rather tragically know a little bit now. Right. I said to him, when's Cold Harbour Lager coming back? And he said, mate, it's never coming back. I'll tell you why. Because for us to sell it and make the profit to cover the staffing and that kind of stuff, we'd have to sell it at £7.60 a pint and no one will buy it.

Even for London. That's wild. Now, would they not buy it? Because it's London. I would buy it. I told him I would buy it. I'd buy it. I'd buy it. I only have one.

And then leave. So, yeah, I'm going to make it a good one. I haven't got any money, but I'll spend it all on beer. But anyway, so they're not selling it. So I actually have a Moretti. There's a cruise camper option, which I sometimes partake in. But generally, it's Moretti. But anyway, we're in there.

I was in there with my next-door neighbor yesterday. How are you getting away with this? If I said that, you'd be like, going to the pub with your neighbour, even though I've done that repeatedly. Because you'd have nothing to say. I've got loads of things to say. My neighbour pretends he likes football

and I pretend I like cars. Swimmingly. Well, my neighbour doesn't pretend he likes football, so it gives me a chance to not talk about football for like a couple of hours after my wife and my son have both gone to bed. I can't remember what I was originally going to say now, but anyway, when we were in there,

it was just the two of us standing at the bar. It was a very quiet night, weekday night. And this girl came over, and she was like, hi guys. But this annoyed me a bit because it's my local pub. Right. Yeah.

And I'm in there once a week. Maybe not on the days that she's in there, but I'm in there. Right. So don't talk to me like I'm fresh off the boat. I've lived in that area for 10 years. Yeah. All right. I remember this pub before it was a pub.

Thank you very much. When it was just a dilapidated, derelict bank. I remember those days. So don't come at me like I'm new. Anyway, that's one side. I don't know if you guys know, but we do a pub quiz here on a Tuesday night, because it was Tuesday. On a Tuesday night,

I was like, alright, I didn't know that because I come here all the time. But I said, oh no, we're just having a beer, thanks. And she was like, are you sure? And she went to my, said to my friend Tom, do you want to do the quiz? And he was like, well, no. I want to do the quiz. He doesn't want to do the quiz.

No. So we're just having a beer. Fine. She moved on to the next person. Did her thing, was trying to, you know what happens, people go around with a pint glass, put a fiver in, you can do the pub quiz. No one wanted to do it. Right? So you did a pub quiz no one wanted to do it right so the pub quiz so no one's in the pub quiz so therefore the pub quiz can't happen no exactly right but she's planned a pub quiz she's planned a pub quiz so she pitches up at the end

of the bar with her boyfriend sat on a stool and just does a pub quiz to nobody no just started crying no she didn't I promise you right she sat there being comforted by her boyfriend

with a drink cried for a bit and then just left that might be up there with the most depressing story you've ever told

it bummed me out man it was it was it was it was like if I had known up there with the most depressing story you've ever told. It bummed me out, man. It was like, if I had known that was going to be the result, you would have put in... I would have done the quiz, but I'd have moved around the corner so I didn't have to... Maybe if we had known how much prep she'd done

and how much it meant to her, theme dependent, I might have done the quiz. Right. You would have done the music round Right. You would have done the music round. Maybe. Music and history. Music and history. But I also found out that she also does a glam night there

on a different night of the week called Rebel Rebel. And I'm thinking, how many social activities do you want to embark upon in our local pub? Yeah. Just have a beer.

Just have a beer in there. What is she? What is glam night? She just plays a bit of a bit of t-rex yeah it's like t-rex there's a room upstairs so they kind of do do all that stuff up there and i think you have to buy a ticket and then she djs and all that kind of stuff it's like i understand that like it's good for the local community and some people like it and i'm not i'm not i'm not um kind of um denigrating it per se yeah i just feel like

it's a bit full on. Why can't you just enjoy a pint? Well, because she's... I guess pub quizzes are basically designed for pubs that are not failing, but like, you know, quiet nights. It just gets people in, doesn't it? It gets people drinking. But no one wants to do it.

But nobody wants to do it. It makes people cry. It's not as bad as the, I won't say well-known, but certainly known-ish comedian on my street who's always trying to sell tickets to his... To his comedy night, yeah.

Yeah. I think that sort of thing is the sort of, it's the sort of trick that you can only really pull once before people have very short,

short, you know... Yeah, because they make it clear what's happening. It's every month, it's on this day, and this is where it is. Yeah. If you want to come, you'll come, right? Yeah, yeah.

You're not selling me in like you're some kind of Jordan Belfort character selling me some kind of product. I know what it is. I don't want to go. No offense. I wish you all the very best. I want you to do well,

but it won't be with my patronage. Thank you very much. Although, on that, by the way, just quickly, I was asked by my other neighbor to volunteer at the local community theater to do a bar shift once a month and i think i might do it oh nice okay have you have you done much um bar barstreet oh i travel boy yeah so you could so you could probably yeah but have you kept up with the it's like surgery you've got to keep up with the modern techniques, really.

You can't just be wrestling... Have I been sacked from the student union bar as a barman for giving too many free beers away to my friends? Yes, I fucking have. Right, okay, yeah. Did I then follow up by getting a job in the Forte Post House where I wasn't able to close the bar until the last person staying there went to bed?

Yes, I did. Right. Was it terrible? Yes. You should have got someone to do the pub quiz they would have left sometimes you'd be there at the forte post house yeah at 4 a.m because some businessman who hates his family's sitting there nursing like a scotch he doesn't want to go to bed and you have to stay there what are the techniques on how to make the um situation so uncomfortable

that they would just leave and go to bed? The good news is you get £2.47 an hour. I knew of no such technique at that tender age. Turn up the heat, rotten fish, farting. Should have done all those things. What we used to do as well, just so you know, and I don't think Forte, it's not still there anymore. I don't even know if it's still a company.

It doesn't matter. I don't care. What I used to do not still there anymore I don't even know it's still a company doesn't matter I don't care what I used to do is run meals through the till that didn't exist and then when they turned up go oh yeah I'm not sure what happened there

and just eat them oh so you weren't stealing the money you were eating the food yeah basically so you'd be like oh gammon gammon

gammon egg and chips times two for me and the other guy I worked with there table over there yeah but run it through. Oh, they've gone. I think they've dined and dashed.

Oh, they didn't even dine, they just dashed. No, they didn't exist. You couldn't do either of those things. What a shame. I know, there you go, Peter. Listen, unless you've got anything else to add to this thrilling conversation based around pub etiquette, we should go.

I would be interested in hearing from our listeners about their pub etiquette, about do's and don'ts, about stories they've heard in the local pub. It's a rich seam to mine, in my opinion, Peter. So let's get a bit of that from them. But that's hello at lukeandpetech.com or all the usual social media platforms. You'll find us generally speaking at Luke and Pete Show

or at The Luke and Pete Show. And yeah, give it a go over there and let us know what you think. And we shall speak with you soon. I'd like to know if anyone's ever bought something in a pub that wasn't meat, fish, DVDs, or what else would you sell in a pub that people would sort of pop in? People buy and sell stuff in pubs all the time. Back in the day, they definitely used to.

I remember in the Elephant and Castle once, almost someone tried to sell me a car battery in one pocket and a deli block of cheese from the other pocket. I could do with both of those things. I bought neither.

I don't want to buy a car battery from a guy who also sells cheese and vice versa. No, good point. Anyway, I'll leave you with that. Ta-ta. Ciao, ciao.