The Luke and Pete Show - Why am I drinking Tyskie in a nice restaurant?

Episode Date: January 31, 2022

Here at The Luke and Pete Show people look to us as the leading spokespeople in podcasting on social etiquette. Today we confront our biggest challenge yet and face up to the issue of night-out etiquette.Once we’ve solved that, Luke gives us a rundown on The Apprentice and we discuss whether men can breastfeed.We love to read out your stories on the show. Get in touch, email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Feel free to give us a follow while you're there. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

because we're taking a girl to the reservoir if you're not familiar with the song joyride by pulp that's a terrible way to start a show it's the logan pete show it's monday welcome to a new working week if you don't work then you really have completed life it's pete donaldson and luke mill once again have you had a good weekend luke are you all right it's the last day of january uh no that's good isn't it that's a good thing it's good actually yeah people don't like january generally do they there's that thing where they um yeah excuse me they have that situation where everyone all the pr people who can't really get anything going in January because nothing's happening, they do that most depressing dad a year thing, don't they?

It was a couple of weeks ago, apparently. And it serves no purpose other than just to get people more depressed and to get PR people to justify their retainers. But we're out of that now. It's the last day of Jan. So by the time people are listening to this, there'll be very, very little to go in January. And I think that's a cause for some celebration.

We don't want to wish our lives away. But January could be a long month because you get paid early, don't you? Just before Christmas. It was a long old pay packet. Oh, yes, I guess, yeah. People are desperate for their cash now. And I'm no different.

So good news. We'll be out of this soon. To answer your question more directly, Peter, what I would say is this. Went out for dinner on Friday this went out for dinner on Friday went out for dinner on Saturday got mortally socially

trying to think of a way of not being soundly responsible but you know what I mean socially lubricated Sunday was an absolute write off abysmal and today is not really much better so how was my weekend how was your weekend mate shove it up your bollocks luke it sounds like have we have we swapped on friday did we

have a freaky friday style kind of body swap and you inhabit in my life and yeah i wonder why i was drinking tisky in a nice restaurant yeah i what happened was you know what this is this is a very middle-class thing to say but i i apologize in advance and hopefully people will be able to yeah what happened was you know what this is a very middle class thing to say but I apologise in advance and hopefully people will be able to relate to it anyway

I'm sure they will went out for dinner with a couple of mates they were both on red wine I didn't want red wine so I ordered a bottle of white wine thinking one of them two

will help me out neither of them did so I ended up seeing the whole bloody thing off one bottle what did you go for like a Riesling or something one of them two will help me out. Neither of them did. So I ended up seeing the whole bloody thing off. One bottle. What did you go for? Like a Riesling or something?

Can't remember what it was now, but we had three pints of Guinness after work as well. Oh, cheeky little boys. Went on somewhere after dinner, so. Yeah. I don't know, man. Am I exciting now? I think you might be, yeah.

What nightclub did you end up in? It wasn't a nightclub. It was just a hotel bar. Oh. I don't go to nightclubs, yeah. What nightclub did you end up in? It wasn't a nightclub, it was just a hotel bar. I don't go to nightclubs, mate. I'm not you. Jeez, I'm just hotel bars. I go to the hotel bar, I've got a pulp CD with me, I'm just getting to put it on.

My partner and my best buddy's partner were both kind of sharing the same opinion that I don't know why those two go out so late why can't they just come home at a reasonable hour

and my point is I think there's just more people around, there's more people to just look at, it's fun it's fun to be out later you don't like socially interacting with anyone though, that's what I mean. Don't talk to anyone.

You just feel like you're part of something bigger and something more exciting if you're out later. If you're out and you end the night at, like, 9 o'clock, it's like, oh, bore off. No, that's perfect, mate. Is it? Yeah. I'll tell you something now.

I'll answer first, and then I'll ask you to answer. Ideal time to go out to the pub for a few beers? 5.30. Ideal time to get home? 9. What's your take? 5.30 is too early because if you, for whatever reason, feel like drinking more after the 9 o'clock,

you're in all kinds of trouble by the time you get to 11, aren't you? But I don't feel like doing anything normally after i'll tell you something now when i when i was a kid then when i was younger i used to say to myself nothing good generally will happen after 2 a.m right yeah that's fine yeah so you make a decision after 2 a.m it's probably not gonna be the right one um so just bear that in mind i walked that back over the years to the point where it's literally about 10 p.m now right okay i never really want to go out if i'm under duress and it's a big event or things are happening or whatever i get that i sometimes do have to be out later and invariably i'll probably think it's fine i'll enjoy it but generally speaking if i

could be at home back in the house by 10 latest i'm happy with that yeah but then but then you're you're running the risk of your partner seeing what state you're in if you're waiting till everyone's gone to bed absolutely fine no one's noticing that you've crawled in but the good thing about the good thing about the wife i have access to being american is that she already very much sees drunkenness as the English disease. Yeah, yeah. So, like, it's to be expected. I mean, I guess more than a couple of pints is, like... Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so. What's your ideal time to roll in, then? What I think... It depends on where... If I live where you lived, half twelve one. If I live where I live, three o'clock. It's miles away. Yeah, OK.

You've got to find some way of getting back, haven't you? If you were out in London, then, going back to where you are now, how do you actually get back? I fear I was missold how frequently late trains go and how late they go. The last train is 12.45, I think. You know, you just, when, just like I just tell you things, you shouldn't just take them on their way.

That's not the last thing you should be doing. We were looking at houses before, and we, you know, put a agents tell you things, you shouldn't just take them on their word. We were looking at houses before and we put a bid in on one. I don't want to say how it all fucking works, but we got glumped. Put a bid in? Say again? You put a bid in? Put a bid in. It's not the transfer window. Or said I'm going to... Well, you do it.

You have bids north of the board. You can have the house on loan for a month. I've low-balled them again. With a view to a permanent. Yeah. I sort of... The woman who was selling us the house, she was an estate agent,

but she also owned the house. So probably some kind of complex, kind of weird kind of situation. But she was adamant that the north-facing garden got a load of sunshine. Now, you just... I mean mean we were buying this in january that's a high risk that's a high risk gambit because what if that rolls on to like april and we realize that no you don't get any fucking sunshine down the end of the garden but you don't have to wait till the summer to prove that no you could just check physics

north is always going to be north unless there's some kind of weird change in the magnetic fucking field i think you think you'd be fine on that front mate yeah i was watching this uh video about this guy who uh god he was like a celebrated um i think he i think he may have uh he was kind of hitchcockian in his kind of directing style. And he was insistent that he would never have the stereotypical landing shot of an aeroplane to mean that people have landed in a certain city. He said he would never do that. And his director of photography or a second unit head

basically said, right, I'm going to make a fucking shot of Concorde landing at JFK. That's going to be so fucking beautiful. You're going to put it in your fucking film. Yeah. And this guy managed it by getting a computer that worked out where the sun would be on a certain time, like a big fucking red beautiful sun that would have the, what's the biggest building in sort of downtown Manhattan? I guess it would be... The Empire State Building or something?

It would have been Empire State, I think. And so you wanted the Empire State in the background and a big fucking sun that's just going down and Concord landing. And so he had to get a computer back in the 80s or whatever, work out exactly, it was a Tom Hanks movie, work out when this certain event was going to happen where you could see the sun in front of

the manhattan skyline with that building right in the center and he had to hire his own concord landed landed it at that exact same time filmed it with five or six different cameras and it was a beautiful shot and the guy was forced it say again how did you have k airport even agree to let him do it everyone's something for pay i guess it's kind of the the uh the the if you've got uh if you've got the money i think it cost 80 grand just that shot but it was the it was one of the last films that was kind of like that mid-range uh like film that was just all about talking but ones that had mid-range kind of Hollywood budgets. Now there's none of those

films. There's no kind of like Eternal Sunshine that had a bit of budget. There's none of those films anymore. You're either a blockbuster or you're an indie film slash kind of talky talky film. Yeah there's no mid-range is there? There's no mid-range movies now. That's kind of interesting that. What film was it did you say?

Was it Bob Fylde's Artists? It was a Tom Hanks film, but it was just... It wasn't a successful film at all. It was actually quite terrible, apparently, but a beautiful shot of... I was wondering if it was that Brian De Parma movie, Bonfire of the Bounties, which was in the 80s. It was Bonfire of the Bounties. Oh, OK, right.

Well done. No, thank you very much. Without any... This is like Wordle. This is very much... Luke and Pete show is very much like a film wordle where i'll sort of name someone and you'll i know i won't name someone that's the point you've got to find who you never do pete you want to know how i approach i i have various

stages of panic because and it's when you ask me a question and you can ask me to fill in the blanks and it's directly related to how obscure the starting point is so you'll say you want to name something and you'll go what's the um price of that pint of milk at the corner shop near my house and i'll be oh fuck you now this is going to be about 14 stages before we get all right okay okay okay here's a little mind game right i'm thinking of something in my brain, and I'm going to start with, it's brown. Okay. And you've got to ask me a few questions, and I will get there.

Okay, right. It's brown. It's brown. We're starting with brown. Okay. And you want me to guess, or you want me to ask questions? Ask questions, I suppose. Do you use it in your office?

No. Okay. Is it a turd? No, it's not a turd. What's wrong with's wrong with you have you seen that on the apprentice the first two weeks of this new season of the apprentice which is just a mad mad show like some freudian thing is both the boys team both weeks have created so it looked like a turd alan sugar's like what is going on here what is happening here fantastic i was i was working on this podcast that you know we'll see the latter day um sooner rather than later with an external client of stack and and these two lasses that we're working with completely by accident the first three episodes

they're just talking about farts and booze and like, I get criticised for this kind of shit. I've got to defend this material. You were like, we've already got one of those shows. I'm doing it later. What were you thinking of? Oh, dear. I was thinking about a pair of boots. Okay.

A pair of my boots. I don't think I... You didn't even want to play the game, Luke. You just said, is it a turd? I can't read your mind, can I? It's not the same thing. It's not as easy as that. By the way, have you seen The Apprentice this season?

It's mad. I don't think I've ever watched a single episode of The Apprentice. It's not bad, is it? I think it's something about series 20 or something. But it's become one of those things that long-standing TV shows sometimes do, series-based ones, where without even realising it, it's just become something completely odd. So now it's basically like 30 minutes of boardroom scenes

where Alan Shua can deliver puns that have been written by someone else really badly, right? Then the other half an hour is a load of clueless young people who all look like they could be on love island but instead wearing suits and like formal dresses yeah fucking up tasks that they could never realistically do well in any way it's absolutely insane it's like it's like but but like uh with the apprentice like you can get a pretty chunky career out of just being someone off the apprentice canice, you can get a pretty chunky career out of just being someone off The Apprentice, can't you? You can have a good few years.

Who? Tell me someone apart from Katie Hopkins. Who? I don't know. They're always floating around. How did they get their start? Are they on bloody The Apprentice or whatever? Actually, that's the fucking weirdest link ever, but I actually spoke to Tom Skinner from The Apprentice or whatever. Actually, it's the fucking weirdest link ever,

but I actually spoke to Tom Skinner from The Apprentice last week. I don't... Exactly, so Tom Skinner's presumably... What? Oh, he's the Bosch man. Yeah. Oh, is he the guy with the teeth

that looks like Joe Allen who used to play for Chelsea? Looks like who? Joe Allen, who used to play for Chelsea in Hartlepool. Joe Allen? He does.

An old Joe Allen. Joe Allen, the latest Joe Allen didn't play for Chelsea. No, the 80s Joe Allen. I've no Joe Allen the latest Joe Allen didn't play for Chelsea no the 80s Joe Allen I've no idea who that is Pete oh he's got lovely teeth

Tom Skinner's a guy on Twitter bosh sells his bed sells his mattresses so is he a mattress guy was he a mattress guy

coming into that yeah I think he probably did the whole thing as a big marketing exercise because he's doing very well for himself anyway I bought two single

mattresses off him what why did you do that well I needed two single mattresses off him. What? Why did you do that? Well, I needed two for the spare room. They're just sat behind me now. And one of them was too big for the bed, but we managed to squeeze it in. Right, okay.

And he actually answered the phone. What, him himself? Yeah. Wowzers, that's cool. He was like, Tom Skinner, Bosch beds. And it was actually really interesting. And he said he was going to come and deliver them himself on the Friday. And it was actually really interesting. And he said he was going to come and deliver them himself on the Friday. And I was at work anyway.

But the wife I have access to said that he didn't actually turn up. It was two other guys. Is that why he does that? He pretends it's like a personal appearance? Well, can I risk potentially annoying the wife I have access to? Yeah, he looks like him. Yeah, Joe Allen. Great mullet, by the allen yeah great mullet by the way um he can i just potentially risk upsetting the wife i have access to by saying that and she won't listen to this although lc will um and he can perhaps tell me

off later i don't think i don't think the wife i have access to fully knows who he is and she said he didn't turn up but i think he might have done it. She might have blanked him and he just left. Would that really be something that LC or MC... MC! Strong. MC is really that arsed about knowing who... I couldn't give a shit if I met someone... I don't want to be unfair.

I'm just saying, I think that's probably what happened, but i don't want to misrepresent anyone they probably all i mean you're effectively calling a liar yeah sure no but pete if pete if i said listen let me put another way if you were in the studio in the office on your own tomorrow and i said tomorrow someone quite famous not massively famous but quite famous is coming in um so just keep an eye out and then i called you that night or the night after it happened, and said, did they turn up? You might well say to me, I don't think so, but I'm not sure. And they almost certainly did, but you didn't see them.

Oh, I'd be doing like a photo fit. I'd be going, I'd have a Mr. Potato Head, and I'd be going, right, what kind of nose has he got? What kind of eyes has he got? Exactly. So I think it's a little bit of an extension of that kind of scenario basically it's weird and also when you get told that someone is famous that it's suddenly their fame suddenly becomes a little bit important to you as well if that makes any sense like you sort of if someone tells you that oh my god this big swinging

willie is coming in and you're like i don't know who that person is. But when they arrive, they have an air of someone who's quite important, and then you go away going, oh, yeah, yeah, I probably do know what he is, but you don't really. I'm very swearable. I'm very swearable. The most famous person I can think of that came in the office was actually really nice and really lovely, and we slagged him off last week,

so people can probably work out who it is. So we probably shouldn't have slagged him off because he was really lovely I can't remember it's a good job can't remember oh yeah yeah yeah oh yeah no he's lovely

I've met him a few times lovely guy lovely guy but yeah you can judge people's art can't you is what it is Bostorcelli was a murderer

people still like his art so there we go let's have a quick break and then when we come back we'll do some emails we didn't get to any on Thursday I don't think we got to one

and it was involving someone who looked like me so we'll be back in a minute and we'll talk to you then Looking for your next podcast binge? Well look no further The Offensive is a

football mockumentary that follows Premier League club Ashwood City as their money-grabbing owner and his board veer from one crisis to another. Sounds familiar. Well, things are reaching breaking point this January as Real Madrid come calling for Ashwood's star player. Oh, and Patrick's going to accept €180 million for Kevin. Wait, wait, hang on, wait.

Woody, I'm just getting my dick out. Now, fuck you and your dick. It's just getting my dick out, Woody. It's part of the negotiations. Woody, my dick. Patrick, these are the new work experience intake for the marketing team. Uh, hi. Hiya.

The Offensive. Where the thick of it meets the Premier League. Subscribe now and enjoy more than 130 episodes. The Offensive is a Stack production and part of the Acast Creative Network. We're back with the Luke and Pete show and we are going to be reading out some of your emails because we rarely get to do them. There's one that's been sent in by Neil,

our friend Neil. And Neil, let me be honest, Neil's actually very, of course, he's very welcome in the Luke and Pete show parish. It's a broad church. It is a broad church. This email though is odd and I'm going to give people a kind of disclaimer

that it might make them, if they're in the middle of their lunch, feel a bit odd. Right. Nothing to be ashamed of, of course, but just a little bit strange. So it's a bit of a... Consider it a warning.

Okay. This is from Neil. Hello to you, Neil. Thanks for emailing in. He says, Hi, guys. It's taken me over a week to get around to sending this bloody email.

I've been too busy enjoying Red Beach in New Zealand. You're both more than welcome to pop over for a holiday. Thank you very much. Yes, please. As much as someone can pop over to New Zealand from London. He says, regards to the conversation about a woman breastfeeding a cat a few weeks

ago. Do you remember? Yes, yes. It was on a flight in America, wasn't it? It was. And I think it might have been a work anyway. No, the video was a work, but it was based on a true story. Right, thank you very much. And Neil adds that Luke mentioned

that it would be a different story or asked if it would be a different story if it was a man. Well, according to Neil, and I'll let him pick up the story, men can produce milk from their nipples first brought properly documented during the vietnam war and it was brought on by immense stress so man can produce milk from the nipples during immense stress of excessive stimulation

it makes you think if there is a market for man milk there's a follow-up to that um man cheese uh just a thought if pete could produce milk from his nipples and then turn it into cheese would luke have to taste it awful uh anyway back to other things keep up the brilliant work and talk more about computer games um if you can ps my wife calls your podcast the battery podcast which is probably what we should have called it if we thought about it um so pete i as you know without putting too far a point in this, I do have an interest and a little bit of an academic pedigree, I should say, if I may be so bold, in the Vietnam War. And I've never heard of this and I've tried to look it up

and I can't find any evidence. So there's a chance Neil might not have got this right, but, I mean, what's your take? Well, was it the American side or the communist side in there? Who was producing more milk, I suppose? I guess it would probably be the... Could it be like a kind of story that the US, obviously there's a famous thing that they smell differently

because they drink dairy or they consume dairy. They would omit milk because they drink so much of it and they consume so much of it. And they're so scared of the good guys, in their opinion, that they're emitting milk. Could it be some kind of like strategy to make the Vietnamese soldiers seem stronger? You're struggling here, so I'm going to come and just step in. of his soul just seems stronger you're struggling here so i'm going to come and just step in so i the only thing evidence i did find is the fact that um so in theory men can do it yeah but it has to so but i think men have evolved to not um produce the hormone needed for it which is a hormone called prolactin and i think it can be medically and

artificially um taken to enable it to happen but i don't know if i don't know if the the link between being in the vietnam war and stress or whatever is is is on the nose i just don't know i can't find the evidence for it so all i need to be the world's first male wet nurse is this delicious prolactin. I don't think you would be the first. I think other men have done it before. Yeah, but as an industry. I want to be the first professional

kind of, you know, I'm on gum trees. How much are you charging per milliliter? I will feed your baby. I would say if it's got anything to do with the diet, I would How much are you charging per millilitre? I will feed your baby. I will feed your baby. I would say if it's got anything to do with the diet, I'm advising people to steer clear. A lot of MSG.

He had a chili jam to himself last week. I'd kill me that. But I keep on sort of going, right, am I going to have to go on that? Is it Bogdan, bloody? Not Bog, Baggan? There's some kind of weird diet that people who have IBS have to sort of go through. Ogbogs or something. And I look at it and I sort of go, I'm probably going to have to start doing that, aren't I?

Because I've clearly got IBS. After 20 years of just constantly vomiting and shit. Have you been diagnosed with it? Is it called a FODMAP diet? FODMAP, that's the one. I knew it sounded a bit like that. Yeah, no, I've not been diagnosed with it. But then my food is so varied. I can have a bowl of chocolate one week and I'm ill. I'll eat most of a pizza and I'll be ill. That should be normal for anyone to eat a pizza. But then i had bloody or last week i had uh i had jalapeno chili jam yeah it's not right i think we can all agree on it we all agree that you're not helping yourself i'm not helping

myself but but i would like my body to just give me the option to just i just like a button right like a reset switch you can draw lock delete that just dumps everything out dumps the memory dumps everything out immediately don't make me wait for five hours while I have massive stomach pains

and I'm crying and I'm making smells and vomiting just give me just give me an option to just vacate alright how long does that happen

how often does that happen Pete that kind of stuff I mean to be honest in the month of January it's happened three times uh which isn't ideal that's bad that is bad yeah but then i don't know whether i'm helping myself or not it's bad well no you're not you're not helping yourself we've established that i tried to go to the doctors for something unrelated last week and they're just not doing

any doctory stuff they're just doing jabs no not at the moment no they're just yeah they're honestly going we're not doing any doctoryy stuff, unless it's an emergency. I'm like, oh, I mean, I don't usually bother you guys. I'm not, far better for me to criticise our amazing NHS, and I'm not seeking to do that. But I do think that when it comes to the phrase,

unless it's an emergency, a lot of people do need a medical professional to help establish that fact. Yeah. I don't know if it's an emergency, because lot of people do need a medical professional to help establish that fact. Yeah. I don't know if it's an emergency because I'm not a fucking doctor. So, you know, of course, anyone can tell an emergency of someone's bleeding out

after a fucking bullet wound, right? Yeah, that's an emergency, right? But there's a hint of that. You wouldn't go to the doctor for that. You wouldn't go to the doctor for that. No. You wouldn't go to the emergency. You'd go to the emergency room.

Straight to the big dog. You get straight to the boss. But there's a hint of land here that exists, right? Yeah. for the doctor for that. No. You didn't mention you got the emergency room. Straight to the big dog. You get straight to the boss. But there's a hinterland here that exists, right? Yeah. I don't know if it's an emergency or not because I don't know anything.

Anything. I've done no medical training. You know what I mean? I can't tell you. You know, there's a few things I can point out. Other than that,

there is an interpretation involved and I need you to help me with that. I'm sorry. We're just doing jabs. I've gone, do that down the bloody chemist. I went to a church to do that and listen you've got covid again for the second

time i've got covid again yet second time round much easier the second time around i tell you what i know you were rinsed by it but that's probably why probably because you didn't know the first time but yeah i saw you going out of your way to to find people who've got it for the first time and calling them fresh meat and telling them they're not cut out for the numb and how they'll never survive because they don't know what they're doing. I'd give them a real thousand yards stare. I'd give them little bottles on my fingers and I was going, come on, croners.

Yeah. Come on. I should probably add, for those people who get very vexed about this kind of thing, that we are recording this episode remotely because of Peter's wandering hands and smell I think that's probably all we've got time for this week Peter

any final thoughts you'd like to give our lovely listeners? Look after yourselves if you think the sour cream, the bowl of sour cream has taken a turn, just don't eat it. There'll be more sour cream in your life. There are some people out there who can just get anything down the hatch

and they never get ill. Yeah, but I used to be that sort of person. It was only ever massive overindulgence in food that would kill me. And now it's just like every other week, I'm like, what the fuck have I eaten this time? Is it my Stella stellar fish pie i made did i not cook the prawns enough oh we talked about this a while back you should i don't think respectfully and i hope our listening community will agree i don't think you should be making a fish pie mate i'm good at fish pie i'm good at it i'll look i think it's the oat milk. I was braising the meat in his...

I just don't like thinking of you at the same time as thinking of odd cuts of fish. Just odd bits and bobs, yeah. I feel like I actually saw on the cooking show the other day some TV chef doing a fish pie and it looked really good he had he selected the fish properly he's prepared it and like i'm not suggesting you're not doing that but it wasn't it would just look to me like a job for a professional i think fish is it's fish can go either way just but yeah but you just buy those kind of like arsey you just buy like either

frozen prawns and stuff and or you buy like just this fish pie mix isn't it? It's all done for you. Just chopped up bits of fish and lips and arseholes as my dad used to say. Bang them in the fish pie. Lovely old job. But the problem is

you just add too much cheese. I just add too much cheese. I'm like well this is going to make it delicious and it does make it delicious. There's no such thing as too much cheese is there? Let's be absolutely fair.

There's no such thing as too much cheese. I have about 15 different types of cheese in my fridge at any one time. Anyway, that is all we've got time for. Send us in your emails about your favourite cheese.

Why not? Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. Maybe you've got a fish pie recipe for Pete that he can try that's not going to involve him having crippling stomach pains for two weeks. We'd be interested to hear about that as well. If you want to email us about anything else, please do so. As I've said, the email address is Hello at LukeandPeteShow.com. We'll be back on Thursday for another one of these,

and we'll go through some more of your battery brands. I had two great new players last week, possibly three, can't remember, but some good new ones. Hopefully we'll have some more on Thursday as well. We'll see you then. Have a great week, and stay safe. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network