The Luke and Pete Show - Why is there a bull in a striped shirt?

Episode Date: December 16, 2021

Today, Luke and Pete finally manage to stay on topic for long enough to talk about Luke’s trip to Devon, where he played the fruit machine in the arcade. A baffling experience for the wife he has access to. We then hear about some quality school boy behaviour (which we do not endorse) relating to deodorant flamethrowers and lockerbombs. It's good stuff. Have a story relating to any other behaviour that we don’t endorse? Email [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram @lukeandpeteshow. Feel free to give us a follow while you're there! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's the return of the Luke and Pete show on Thursday, the 16th, the 16th look more of December. And let me tell you the picture apropos, the buying of presents, not got any better for old Daddy Donaldson. No, not done anything. Not done fuck all, mate. What are the responsibilities that you've been given? Well, I mean, having friends and loved ones. I mean, that's a responsibility enough. But, like, with the Wi-Fi I have access to,

we have, like, delineated responsibilities each year. Oh, so you buy presents for certain members of the family? It's just, like, these are the jobs that need to be done. Right, okay, prepping Christmas. Yeah, so at some point after a week or so, I'll be like, where are we with this? I need to do this. Can you do that?

Can you buy this? It basically just hurts to tell them what to do. And I do it. And so if we got to this stage now, the 16th, and I was not doing it, I mean, that would never happen because I'm terrified of my wife, but I would be in big trouble. Right.

So is the partner you've got access to not cracking the whip? Cracking the whip. I think we've been too busy, to be honest. Sure enough. Well, no, I've been working. She's been working.

Yeah, we'll get there. I mean, again, Sarah always buys better presents than I do. Are you going to be buying them for your family, though? Yes, yeah. You've got a niece and nephew to worry about. I'll do my family.

She can do hers. Sweet beans. And where will you spend Christmas? We're not doing Christmas. We'll do Christmas fucking later. We'll do Christmas later. Next Monday will be the first Christmas show, won't it?

Or Thursday, mate. Thursday, I think. The 23rd's our first Christmas show. Either way, we're hurtling towards it, and I'm a little bit concerned, that's all. People won't be surprised to hear your admin's been poor. Correct. Is that fair, or is that unfair?

That is a little bit fair. A little bit fair. Luke, you last week spoke about putting together a Ghostbusters Lego thingamajig. We're not even being responsible for Lego at the moment. It's just come up, isn't it?

No. Should we say Lego's bad? Ooh. Oh, I'd stood on a bit. I feel like we should just give a bit of love to... Duplo. Stick or bricks.

I was going to say Duplo, but isn't that a Lego brand? Oh, it might be, like, for toddlers. I don't think it is, maybe. I was going to say Duplo, but isn't that a Lego brand? Oh, it might be, like for toddlers. I don't think it is, maybe. I don't remember them sort of like crossing the streams. I was a big fan of Stickle Bricks.

Yeah, I used to love them. I mean, it was fun, easy to do, but my God, it didn't make anything that looked attractive. Duplo is owned by Lego. Confirmed.

Did they buy it out? It's like the Monday Night Wars. WCW versus WWE. Could be. Sticker bricks were good. You couldn't really make anything though, could you? You could make a gun. Not really. You could make a fucking right angle sticker brick. That was it. It was a bit of rubbish, wasn't it?

The thing that is interesting about Lego these days is that it's all themed now. Yes. Back in the day you'd get space Lego, you'd probably get Technics Lego and everything else was a free-for-all. Yeah, exactly. Meccano's not Lego, is it? It's different.

Meccano was like long bits of metal, wasn't it? And you'd kind of like screw them into each other. Yeah, I kind of fear for Meccano, don't you? What do you mean? They've missed the boat a little bit. Because Lego are just dominant. I mean, Meccano was always one of those things, it's too hard to build something in Meccano.

To me, it fell above my pay grade, really. Yeah, it's kind of like, oh, look, you go to the toy shop,

and someone's made a Ferris wheel out of Meccano, and that was the only thing you ever saw. Yeah. And it's too technical for a kid to do, I think. But I think maybe people listening, who are now like engineers, and very practical people,

or mechanics, maybe they're like, nah, Meccano was my jam. Lego was just boring. But I was talking to him yesterday and he was sort of saying that he used to have like a 3D package on his Amiga and, you know, you'd sort of, you'd approach it and you'd sort of, you could make anything.

You know, this is the bit of computer software that made Babylon 5 in the 80s and Red Dwarf, some parts, and TV shows that look really good. It was like CAD-type software. Yeah, CAD, like 3D design and ray tracing sort of thing. And you'd sort of set up your lights and stuff and do animations and things.

And these people who live in massive fucking houses now, they're the ones who sort of saw it as this kind of open-ended tool that could realise all of their dreams and stuff. And so they work really hard. And same with computer programmers. They tap away and they spend days and days teaching themselves this kind of discipline. And you and I are just like, I want to play Jet Set Willy. I've made a cock and a balls.

Yeah. It is just, we just went, cock and balls, and then just walked like just put another disc in what's he doing now this geezer what you've had that

well yeah I mean same thing to me he's just made a cock on balls but so yeah so he just sort of goes I can see the difference between people

who have a bit of drive and a bit of dream and a bit of ambition yeah compared to us who go cock on balls I never

I never yeah I never really ever remember, ever, ever, ever, ever thinking deeply about what I wanted to do for a job.

No. Ever. Did you, what did you get out of that little computer? Remember like, it was so space age, you sort of answer a lot of questions, and then they put the responses into a computer,

and just give you a random job. I don't think they even fucking ended it in the computer. Probably not. No. I had a, we had a guy, librarian, I got librarian. Did you don't think they even fucking ended it in the computer. Probably not. No. I had a, we had a guy. Librarian. I got librarian.

Did you really? Yeah, Mr. fucking admin, yeah. That's the shittest fucking job ever for you. I put the Tintins in the reference library again.

And you can't not talk. And I can't not talk, yeah. I've burned all the microfiches. I don't remember having, oh, microfiche was a vibe,

do you remember that? Yeah. I've never used one of those machines, I'd bloody love to though. I'm surprised you haven't bought one, V-Bay or something in your garage. Oh, microfiche was a vibe. Do you remember that? Yeah. I've never used one of those machines. I'd bloody love to, though. I'm surprised you haven't bought one. eBay or something in your garage. Oh, I should.

Yeah. If I ever get invited to your shed and it's not got a microfiche in it, I'll be fucking pissed off. I don't remember what I got out of the computer back in the 90s, but I do remember a guy coming to the class and he sat down with every one of us

and he said to me that... I think he said something really... At the time, it didn't really register, but looking back on it of us and he said to me I think he said something really at the time didn't really register but looking back on it the way he said it I think he said something like the best you can hope for is as a policeman

the best you can that's a good job that's solid that's an upgrade on what you've got now mate I don't want to be a policeman why? you've got tall enough

aren't policemen getting taller? it's not about that aren't police getting blonder? you can't just walk into a police station and they go he's tall get him in

look you do an interview with this they go he's tall get him in. Look. You do an interview with this fucking murderer. He's over six foot. Right.

Did you do that crime? I'd love the idea if Cressida Dick right gave a press conference tomorrow about all the problems in

the Met Police and went what's happened is it's come to light that we've only been hiring people based on their height. And it turns out not all tall people can be trusted. And that's it. On the other hand, we don't have anyone under six foot, which is physically impressive.

Exactly. We've got specialised dolls now. Very tall dolls. Do you remember being told that you had to be a certain height to be a police officer? Why was that such a weird thing? I don't know. Why do people talk about that so much? Well, because you have to be kind of height to be a police officer why was that such a weird thing I don't know why do people talk about that so much

because you have to be kind of physically imposing I suppose haven't you because you didn't have mace are you allowed mace here

pepper spray the old zip zappers or tasers none of the tasers yeah I remember during that video we watched of

that chief constable agreeing to be tasered to show that it was quite safe it's a lovely I do like the way that, did you see that guy? It was a clip that was going around all over the gaff where this drugged up maniac, like muscular kind of,

like it sounded a bit Essex-y, was just trying to fight a man in his house sort of thing. He was kind of in the front garden. You will have seen it, front garden. And he was just sort of like bringing the fuck out of this guy's front door. And this woman's filming it and the guy's trying to sort of remonstrate

and going, what is your fucking problem? He's going, I'll fucking kill you. He's just getting really, really angry. And then the police, but he's punched,

it's like kind of a plastic UPVC door and he's punched it through but it's kind of done like a flap. So the glass is like on a flap and someone took a screenshot

of the block outside the window and says worst advent calendar ever and then the police end up turning up and when you get tasered you're just stiff as a board

and you just go down absolutely down like a big timber Is it satisfying to watch him be tasered? Well it is for a bit but then he manages he's only got his bum out

he's only got his bum out he moons the policeman then he gets tas but then he manages to... He's only got his bum out. He's only got his bum out. He moons the policeman, then he gets tears, and then he just gets up immediately because they don't manage to sort of restrain him or get him in handcuffs, and he just climbs over a fence. On one level, is it impressive that he's managed to stove in a new PVC door

with just his bare hands? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Very much so. I just didn't realise you could just push on one and it just opens up like that. Because I've got a UPVC front door, and I've thought of it, I think of it as solid. Yeah, I'll tell you what you shouldn't think of, the locks on them. Good God.

Like, one of those kind of load-bearing spanners, they just take it off in seconds and they're in. They're in! Really? Yeah, it's really easy to get in those locks, those little kind of locks that are like up and down kind of thing. No, but my one does all the locks up and down the door. Yeah, but I think the...

So it's got like five locks in total. Yeah, but I think if you just take the central column and just snap it, you can just open it up. How do you know this? What? How do you know this? Saw a guy on the telly do it. Lock-picking lawyer.

Lock-picking lawyer, no. He's not a brute force, man. Well, what front door have you got? Lockpicking lawyer's an artist, by the way. He is an artist. What have you got as a front door? I'm going to kick the fuck out of this UPVC window. Yeah.

I've got one of those old school yellow ones. I mean, it's not better, but my cabin has only got one of those shitty locks. I'm worried. If people want to get in, they're going to get in, aren't they? I'm going to get my microfiches. If people want to get in, they're going to get in, aren't they? They're going to get my microfiches. If people want to get in, they're going to get in, aren't they? Yeah, exactly.

There's nothing much you can do about it. Yeah, but I'd like to tell anyone who's listening, I've got a fucking sword, mate, so that'll go right in you. And it's blunt, so it'll hurt more when it shoves you with it. And I've done a wee on it. What you should do is,

if someone does break into your shed and you're in there, just look at them, stare them deeply in the eyes, and just wet yourself. So they just think, I don't know what I'm dealing with here. With an erection. Yeah.

Because they're going to think, this is not the path of least resistance. This is a maniac. Pete, when I was away on holiday, I didn't tell you, or I didn't tell our listeners, I went to Devon. Have you ever been to Devon? Yes. Oh, I'm surprised to hear you say that why you said that very very enthusiastic yes

what where did you go uh let's have a look i'm gonna type in devon into google i've been to torquay oh cool i liked it in torquay yeah i liked it exit uh we stopped the next ever a bit yeah torquay sort of area nice beautiful yeah torqu Yeah. Torquay, I thought Torquay was going to be like a southern version of Blackpool, which I do not, I don't rate Blackpool.

No, I've never been to Blackpool, but yeah, Torquay's beautiful, that kind of, and that bit, has it got that big bridge that goes up and down?

Maybe. I'm fairly certain. I didn't see that, but I, so we went to Torquay because it was our wedding anniversary as well. We wanted to go to

a nice restaurant and there's one we like to look of in Torquay, right? It's called The Elephant. Very nice. We got there quite early, and it's obviously winter, and it was dark, and nothing was open, apart from, Donaldson, the amusement arcade.

Oh, lovely. Ask me if my wife I have access to and I spent 45 minutes playing the bullseye fruit machine. Why the bullseye fruit machine? I thought of things. It wasn't like a little kind of grabby machine, a little UFO catcher. We did that as well.

Every time you put the money in, it goes, take your time. It does. Take your time. Take your time. Obviously, my wife had no idea what bullseye was. What is this? She's like, asking a load of really legitimate

and fair questions. She's like, why is there a bull dressed in a striped shirt all over this? She's like, asking a load of really legitimate and fair questions. Like, why is there a bull dressed in a striped shirt all over this? Why does someone keep telling me to take my time? I could never figure out why. Who's the commentator, the darts commentator? Tony. Tony. Yeah.

Like, Bully was kind of based on him a bit. I'm not really sure. I thought it was his. He's just based on the bot. His, like, furry version of himself. Like, he was into furry stuff. No, no. He said,

I don't know why you made me into a lovely bull. No, it's just based on the bullseye, isn't it? The bull. Yeah, I know. They call it the bull. But they're based...

I think it looked too much like the commentator, Tony. I don't... Do you know what? Now you mention it, I can see what you mean. But for the wife I have access to, it was a baffling experience, right?

Because one, they don't have fruit machines in America. So it's already weird. Yeah, okay. They have them in casinos and stuff, and they're completely different. Yes. These mechanical kind of things where... You know, for example, when you play a fruit machine,

say you get a higher or lower mechanism to win like three quid, it knows what number it's given you. So it's not like... If it's higher or lower out of a 12 three quid. It knows what number it's given you. So it's not like, if it's higher or lower out of a 12 and you've got a two, it isn't the case that you're... It's not going to, yeah.

If it wants to give you a one, it's going to give you a fucking one. It's going to be annoying. And it does do that. But to someone who's not a versed, someone who's not versed in fruit machines, it's kind of like, why are you doing this?

Yeah. It's got a completely, it's a category definition. But the payout of fruit machines is It's kind of like, why are you doing this? Yeah. It's got a completely, it's a category definition. But the payout of fruit machines is actually quite high. Like, you win more than you lose. But the problem is,

it's the amount of money you win. And also, it's, obviously, it's highly controlled and you can turn up how successful you can be and turn it down

in the innards of the machine. But they pay out more often than not. But it's, because they pay out so much, you just come back and you just come back and you lose all your money because you just come back. But do pay out more often than not. But because they pay out so much, you just come back and you just come back and you lose all your money because you just come back.

But do you know what I thought about? So we put 40 quid in there and we got 45 quid out. Right, fine, fine. And they all come out and pound coins, which is fucking annoying. But anyway,

what I was thinking was, as a kid, when I went to the pub or whatever and you play a bit of a freak machine, it was a kind of thing that was in pubs and you just do it, right? You don't get any fun.

It's like playing pool or whatever. And sometimes you win, it'd be brilliant and sometimes you wouldn't. Now I'm older, I've got a little bit more money. If I move to a big old house, I might get a fruit machine

because they're probably not that expensive. Well, no, they're not. And you can open one, you can play it as much as you want because it'd be fun. If you win, it doesn't matter. If you don't win,

it doesn't matter because you own it. That's what I was thinking. Why would you want that? And I said to the wife I have access to in the car afterwards, I might get a fruit machine.'t matter because you own it. That's what I was thinking. Why would you want that? Yeah, but like... And I said to the wife I have access to in the car afterwards, I might get a fruit machine.

She said, you're not doing that. Like fucking Lemmy. What's wrong with you? Would you not... I thought you'd be up for one of those. No, because they're not fun to play. They're fun because you win the money. I think they are fun.

I think they're interesting. Just fucking get yourself a little flashing LED light and jam it in your eyes. I don't know. Like something to look at isn't it yeah Donkey Kong arcade machine instead

well I've always been against arcade machines in homes because I find them I just find them a bit tedious it's just a bit like I love Pac-Man

it's always like a shit game and I suppose it takes up a lot of space and it's only one game yeah but then you've got these

new ones that are kind of just main machines that will play anything and I find them new ones that are kind of just main machines that will play anything. And I find them quite generic and quite kind of cheap looking and a bit rubbish. But there's a little space in our front room

and I go, get a little Chase HQ cab in there. What's that? With the flashing lights on top. Do you have a Chase HQ? No. It was a video game that involved two policemen in a car.

It was a little bit like Miami Vice and you'd be chasing terrorists, and to take them down, you'd just have to ram into the back of them. I'm just looking at the Wikipedia entry. Each criminal would have a different car that you'd have to chase after. Number one, in stage number one,

Ralph was the Idaho slasher and he drove a Lotus Esprit. Nice car. So it's like OutRun. It looks like OutRun. OutRun, but you've got to ram the cars. You've got to ram the perps off the road effectively. Number two, car lost at New York Armed Robber.

He drives a yellow Lamborghini Countach. What was the first one called? Ralph the Idaho slasher. So there's a murderer on the loose, the Idaho slasher, and he's driving murderer on the loose, the Idaho Slasher, and he's driving an Esprit. Yeah. A lot of Esprit.

Carlos, the New Yorker, armed robber. That was stage two. That's a bit racial profiling right there. What do you mean? Calling him Carlos. What do you mean?

Carlos, the new armed robber? Yeah. Carlos? Well, they've given him like an Hispanic name. Yeah, but armed robber, are they good at armed robber? Is that the reputation?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Massively. No. Wait until you get to the I'm just saying, it's criminal. Oh yeah, massively. No, wait until you get to the fifth one. I don't want to. Number three, Chicago Pushers. They're driving a silver Porsche. That's fair.

They're into drug dealing. That kind of fits, yeah. Famously lucrative. Now, if I was the LA kidnapper, I don't know what the boot space is in a Ferrari 288 GTR. It's not conducive. It's a successful kidnapping. I think it's minimal, to be honest.

He must have them strapped to the roof. Yeah. And finally for now, final stage boss, the Eastern Bloc spy in a red Porsche. Eastern Bloc spy. The Eastern Bloc spy. They haven't even tried there. No.

They've said, you know what? It's a Friday afternoon. I cannot be bothered to research what someone from that part of the world would be called so we just have to call them the Eastern Block Spy

yeah and at the start of every level a little voice even on the lowly Spectrum 8-bit version goes let's go Mr Driver I love the voices

you used to get in those old computer games let's go Mr Driver why do they find it so hard to do the voices what used to get in those old computer games let's go Mr Driver why do they find it so hard to do the voices what do you mean it always sounds really distorted

limited space limited compression because I remember I can't remember the name of the game exactly it was like a Formula 1 type game

and the only voice you'd ever get was a really distorted woman going prepare to qualify and then before the race itself,

prepare to race. Oh, nice. It's really reminding me of that. Chase HQ 2 as well. There was a sequel, by the way. Oh yeah, there was. Yeah, I don't think I really played that, to be honest.

It was 2007. I mean, I'm not having that. Is it? Yeah, 2007. Good God. Did the arcade one have a steering wheel and a seat? Not only that, it had little lights.

When the chase was on, the little lights would... You're not only that it had little lights when the chase was on the little lights would you're not having that in your living room that is not the most obnoxious arcade game

you could get as well so I was trying to watch the telly I'm like I'm chasing the there's pushers I'm chasing the L.A. Strangler

I know you don't like me playing this but I think you failed to consider there's a kidnapper on the loose we are at cold war

he's got a Ferrari he's got a Ferrari. He's got a Ferrari. Anyway, let's capture some criminals ourselves in the ad break. And then when we come back, we'll do some of your battery brands and a couple of your emails as well. Didn't even get a chance to talk about Devon, but that's how this show goes sometimes. See you in a minute.

We're back with the Luke and Pete show. And since it is a Thursday, since we are heading towards a weekend, we're going to celebrate by giving you some battery brands. Batteries. Do you want to do the names and I'll do the search? Yes, please, because I'm never logged in. Wait a second for me to log in. I'm just going to do the email, aren't I?

Because we've got emails now where they talk about them. I'm up against the clock, though, aren't I? As soon as you start it, I've got to be ready. Don't you worry, mate. I can feel I'm a pro. I'm ready now. Stephen Goossens't I? Right. As you start it, I've got to be ready. Don't you worry, mate. I can feel I'm a pro. I'm ready now. Stephen Goossens. Hello, Stephen Goossens.

Hi, guys. Long time listener and first time emailer. Hoping to enter the family steady with a new brand. Whatever you do at Christmas is up to you, Steve. Enter the family with a new brand of batteries.

I came across this battery, which I believe and hope is a new player. The HEMA Alkaline battery. Yours truly, Steve Goossens. Alright, Steve, and I am absolutely delighted to tell you

that according to our email inbox which goes back several years, HEMA Alkaline is a new player. Oh, round of applause, Steve and Goossens. A lovely pre-Christmas treat from the Steve's Day. You're in. Well done, Steve-o. He's into number two.

Jimmy 2 Da B on Twitter, I believe. He does it. Jimmy 2 Da B admins all of, completely voluntarily, admins all the Luke's game stuff. Oh, God, he's good. He posts the spreadsheets. He posts the results. He's a big football ramble legend, so good on him.

Good man. Morning, lovely. I mean, I should technically hate him because he just he just basically puts it in a stark contrast my pulls it into sharp focus

my terrible performance in Luke's game yeah Morning Lovelies in buying a new doorbell this week I've discovered a new to me but I suspect not to everyone else battery brand

here we go move your little caster so I can read it golden power power P plus US echo totals triple A

there's a lot to unpack in that one I can this is a tough one to search yeah but actually let me just go

and drop this in I don't think this is a new player and the reason I don't think it's a new player is because was this James who sent this in

yeah Jimmy Joshua Bavington sent these in on November 17th oh mate don't think it's a new player is because was this james who sent this yeah jimmy jimmy joshua bavington oh bathers sent these in on november 17th oh mate and he found them in a please say doorbell in some some of his kids toys ah it's like playing with the doorbell yeah i want to know if it was the same product it could be i don't think it is no i don't think it is so um but what i would say is joshua bton, lovely hands and fingers in his photo. A piggy bank? Oh, right, okay.

Can I get a cuticle read? No, because it's the palm of his hand, sadly, so I can't. All right. Well, finally for now, Dave Flintoff has got in touch. That's Toshiba, aka Toshiba Dave.

Whoa, I've met Toshiba Dave. I've met him as well. He's nice. Bloody good lad. Yeah, long time listener, first time emailer with a potential new battery brand. Sorting through my parents' attic, I came across an old

Lego Space monorail set. Wow. Dating back to the late 80s. Ownership of which is currently being debated with my brother. I bet. That's a big bone of contention.

There's a battery still inside and it's a classic Tandy NSL Extra Life. Now, Tandy was a big high street kind of Maplins. You could get like an electronic kit. I know what Tandy is, mate. You could buy a fuse. You could buy a home hi-fi system

if you want to pay over the odds. Why did they perish ahead of Maplins perishing? I don't know. If it's in the middle of the green shopping centre in Hartlepool, because they had a very difficult window situation and one of them would always get smashed by hoodlums

and they could never get the bloody thing fixed very quickly because the window was such an odd shape. What was the name? It was like a bare window in a shopping centre.

What was the name of the shopping centre? Middleton Grange. Is it a good one? Is it still there? It's still there. Saw a grot bag there once. Oh, nice.

Nice. Yeah. Michaela Strachan and the much maligned Des Barnes from Coronation there it's still there so i got bags there once oh nice nice yeah i'm a killer stratton stratton and uh the much maligned des barnes from uh from coronation street didn't he used to play for after i was thinking des hamilton um disco des yeah des barnes what are they des barnes uh was uh i think he ran the shop i think in uh but he was from hartlepool uh in in coronation street and he he got into some kind of fraud case

and at one point he was one of the top 25 wanted men in the UK inexplicably oh in real life yeah IRL what okay blimey

should have gone down a minute on the ground shopping centre mate he was he was played by Philip Middlemiss Philip Middlemiss that's who it was

apparently he was a bookmaker in Coronation Street and he's now currently listed as Coronation Street former regular. Cool. That's his status. Toshiba Dave.

Toshiba Dave, we will keep you waiting no longer. Tandy NSL Extra Life, Lukey. New player. New player? What?

Congratulations, Dave. Tandy's as old as the hills. No one's sent them in so they are a new player. Tandy NSL Extra Life, not had them before. Well done to you, Dave. Keep up the good work

at electronics manufacturer Toshiba. Yeah, I mean, Toshiba. Let us know what batteries go inside the Toshiba... Remotes. Remotes, please. Yeah, we'd love to know that. So listen, this time next week, I think we'll be doing a Christmas themed show,

but I'm sure we can find time for more battery brands. In fact, it's probably a good time for it because people will be having all sorts of electronic goods, won't they? Correct. All right, cool. So thank you very much for contributing to that. Peter, do you want to do an email?

I do. I do want to do an email. Then fucking do one. I fucking will. Elliot J. Yo, Elliot. A very good afternoon to the link. Pete, a recent talk of deodorant can flamethrowers.

Sorry to interrupt sorry you know there's a bit in mid-morning matters with Alan Partridge where he's lining up all the callers and he goes through them all and he goes and we'll have Adam

and we'll have Jonathan and after that Lucian actually no I don't want to talk to someone called Lucian I feel weirdly a bit like that about an Elliot why Elliot? I don't really like it as much as a name. What have we got a problem? Elliot Ness.

Elliot from E.T. All the best Elliot's. They're the only two Elliot's I can think of, yeah. T.S. Elliot. Doesn't count. Who's the blogger who did Creatures Great and Small? Oh. James Herriot.

James Herriot. Shut up, Donaldson. Right. Very good afternoon to the Luke and Pete. Recent talk of deodorant can flamethrowers reminded me of a trend at my well-to-do secondary school in Cambridge for locker bombing. Other kids' sports lockers.

The old sports lockers in the changing room were metal-sided and backed, but had a wooden door with a hook so you could place your own personal lock to ensure nobody could pinch your sports kit. The hole meant it was possible to squirt deodorant usually links in the said hole drop a match in and whoosh the whole thing would light up and make a satisfying bang you should not be doing i mean that is it's a very i mean it's arson isn't it it's just i've changed my mind i like elliot i like elliot also a serious although a serious fire risk for the most part. Not much was done about this until one day the six farmers decided to spray six entire Lynx cans into a single locker.

This is the schoolboy natural conclusion thing. My God, they said it couldn't be done. And not only was the bang heard across the road, but it blew the wooden locker door clean off its hinges, singed all the sports kit inside and even burnt the culprit's eyebrows mostly off. This prompted a redesign of the boys' locker room and a ban on aerosol deodorants that lasted until I left five years later. Imagine the smell of it

as well. It smells so bad. Hot Java. Hot Lynx Java. I was a Java man. Were you a Java man? Yeah. I hated Africa. I bought some recently. Africa was like, I. I hated Africa. I bought some recently. Africa was like, I used to get sometimes,

I think Java and Africa, the colours look similar, and I used to sometimes be bought Africa for birthday or Christmas, and it really annoyed me because I didn't like the smell of it. I like Java.

They do like... Spice was really bad as well. Spice, yes, okay, yeah. I like spice. I'm trying to find the... There's been a restaurant, I can't find what different kind of flavours of link

still exist yeah they want to email Unilever I don't want to do that I just want to know what different ones you got

this is an amazing schoolboy behaviour isn't it we didn't really have lockers we did have lockers but no one really used them

I've never been given it we had drawers remember drawers that's a junior school though yeah I know but that's all

we were allowed so in some of the corridors, some of the buildings at my senior school, they were lockers. They did have lockers. Did you not have them? No, I don't think, no. Look, we were protected by the Lord.

It was Catholic school. I can remember in about year 10, so the fourth year of senior school, my friend, and I don't know why, but this has just never come up before. It turned out for the last four years he had been carrying his books for every

single lesson in every day in his bag whether he had the class or not right and people were like why are you doing that he's like well

doesn't everyone do that well no no just pick just see what you've got today and bring in the right books absolute back breaking stuff but he never really made the connection

but I bet he never forgot a book well no he probably didn't he joined the navy anyway didn't need didn't need the books didn't need them no Absolute back-breaking stuff. But he had already made the connection. But I bet he never forgot a book. Well, no, he probably didn't. He's on the Navy anyway. Didn't need the books. Didn't need them. No.

Thank you for that, Elliot. That's great. I don't really know of anyone else. I mean, I told you about my friend who did a German exchange and did a deodorant flamethrower and set fire to the house. Right. And, yeah, got in a lot of trouble for that. I do remember people doing that kind of stuff. I do remember the old

deodorant can on the bonfire. On the bonfire, yeah. Spectacular stuff. That locker stuff is great quality schoolboy behaviour. Yeah, correct. But we can't obviously endorse it

because there might be young people listening to this show. But on the similar trail of thought, Connor has also been in touch. He says, Hi guys,

I sent my first email before I'd finished listening to Thursday's show two is probably too many for one show so pick your favourite, we have and we've picked this one, on the back of the story of Rob and making a flame flurry with aerosols I was on a ski trip with my school circa 2009

when I would have been about 16 we were staying in a hotel in the Alps and one evening we sprayed a ceiling to floor size penis on the hotel wall of our room with a can of Lynx and set it alight. This was hilarious for about 10 seconds before the alarm went off and the hotel was evacuated. Outside, in the nighttime snow, among all the guests, mainly at other schools staying there as well,

our careers teacher, Mr. Ho Hare, hello, sir, if you're listening, interrogated everyone as to their potential involvement in the evacuation. A few minutes later, we were all readmitted to the hotel and a member of staff informed Mr. O'Hare that the alarm had been set off by smoke in our room. Five minutes later, Mr. O'Hare was standing in our room in front of a scorched six-foot penis on the wall, asking what had set off the alarm.

One of the lads was very indie chic at the time and used straightners on his hair, and we told him he'd left them on whilst hot and left them sitting on a plastic bag. Mr O'Hare looked at the straightners on the floor, looked at the penis, and said very quickly, OK, lads, it doesn't happen again, and swiftly left. Perhaps he missed that kind of idiocy,

or he just wasn't bothered with the advent of discipline. Either way, it was a great trip, and to be fair, he was a great guy. Loved the show, All the best, Connor. That starts out as a massive penis on fire and ends with a love letter to a beloved teacher. Yeah, so, like, why did he not... I mean, they're going to get in trouble at some point because they've burned a penis into the wall, no? Yeah. I like the idea that Mr. O'Hare's thought, it's not my problem.

It's not my penis. Not my fucking hotel. It's not my penis. We'll deal with it's not my problem. It's not my penis. Not my fucking hotel. It's not my penis. We'll deal with it when we check out. So that kind of stuff is why I couldn't be a teacher because I couldn't be able

to deal with that. Yeah. I like that Mr O'Hare has also got that same viewpoint but it's to become a teacher anyway. I would have went in the room and went, whoa!

Fucking hell, that's what's being all, whoa! Can I get a picture of that, please? And you have been CRB checked for your service last week? And you have been CRB checked. And I have been CRB checked. Whenever I see a jaunty fun phallus,

I just get so turned on, Luke. Doesn't matter what it's drawn in. Snow, felt tip. I go, oh, I can't. You know, a big naked man on the side of the hill. And sometimes someone will go and draw a penis on it. Oh, yes. Right, that's enough for this week.

We're getting out of it now because Donaldson's lost it. Horny. Very, very horny. Horny on men. This time of year, like a stag in Richmond Park. Yes, the horniest of all. Yeah, very, yeah. Penis covered in brambles.

It is actually. Lovely. Make it seem as big as possible. We'll be back on Monday for more of this nonsense. If you have got an email, it doesn't have to be about a giant penis on fire. It doesn't have to be about a big giant fire phallus. Fire phallus. Good band, actually.

Hello at lukeandpeachow.com. We would love to hear from you. Until then, have a lovely weekend. We'll see you soon. Look after yourselves and look after one another too. Ta-ta. the luke and pete show is a stack production and part of the acast creator network