The Luke and Pete Show - Would you eat a steak off Pete’s belly?

Episode Date: May 19, 2022

Just one of the many disturbing propositions Luke is faced with on today’s show. Furthermore, it’s a historic day in our quest to uncover new battery brands and we hear what Pete has been eating while 'the partner he has access to' has been away. It’s just as bad as you think!Want to contact the show? Email: [e-mail] or you can get in touch on Twitter or Instagram: @lukeandpeteshow. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to the Luke and Pete show. I'm Pete Donaldson and I'm joined by my friend, confidant and lover, violent, we have violent sex, me and Luke Moore, in a bed. What? What's wrong? We've got to start scripting these because I don't... I'm never going to sign... I'm not signing that off. I'm not signing...

We have some violent sex. Satisfying sex. We're like Machine Gun Kelly and... What's her name? We're just drinking each other's blood. John Peterson. John Peterson. We're just eating meat off each other's bellies.

It's lovely. Well, that's not so bad. No, that's not... Whatever you do, as long as the fat isn't too hot. If someone said to me, it's the biggest, best, not the biggest, it doesn't make any sense,

the best steak you would ever eat. Right. And the caveat is, you've got to use Pete's belly as a plate. That's all right. My belly's nice and, well, it's not flat. It's certainly hairless.

I'd probably still do it. I'd want a rigorous scrub with that iodine stuff they use in operations first. I like that, where they get like a little, they soak a little rag in it, and they get their little pincers and they... Yeah. Yeah. I would probably still eat the steak off your belly. Well, the iodine would...

Yeah, but the iodine would... It's like TCP, isn't it, I imagine? My list of rider demands for that particular gig, if you like, would be you'd have to be wearing trousers and pants. And I'd like it to be rigorously cleaned by a cleaner of my choosing. Yeah, right, okay, yeah. And I'd like it to be rigorously cleaned by a cleaner of my choosing. Yeah.

Right. Okay. Yeah. And I'd like you to have, not have, I would want it to be as kind of benign as possible. So I wouldn't want you to be, yeah,

I'd like you to be kind of normal and friendly about it. I wouldn't want you to be like weird. Normal and friendly about it. Yeah. I'm being normal and friendly about it. Actually, I think I would also insist on you wearing a shirt. But the shirt's open because then you've still kind of got clothes on.

Dog shirt. Would I be blindfolded? No, because that makes it so completely new. That's something else. That makes it erotic. And I've got no problem. I've got no problem. Am I allowed to sort of like go,

mmm, with my tongue, mmm? I don't, in theory, have any problem with being erotic with any other human being, if it suits them and me. I would draw the line at you, though. Draw the line. Draw the line. So how far up? Is it covering my stomach?

Is it covering my navel? Or is it a bit lower or a bit higher? No, you just wear normal clothes, but you just open the shirt and someone slapped a steak on your belly. Right, okay. If the meat is dribbling down into my crotch, are you cool with that? In practice, it's never going to work, is it?

Never going to work. And it would have to be cold because it would burn me otherwise. But would I be able to have eye contact with you? Imagine if it was raw and I slapped it on your belly and it just started sizzling. What was going on there?

Like an American man cooking a fried egg on a car engine. Lovely old job. Look at you, how the devil are you, sir? Are you alright? I was okay. I wasn't expecting

being taken down that blind alley, but I'm okay for Thursday, thanks. Look, people are looking for new culinary experiences and if you don't do it, Sean will

pick Donaldson's belly. Look at that blind restaurant. There's a pitch black restaurant waited by blind people, isn't there, in Farringdon, I think, in East London. I've never been there,

but apparently it's very good. It's completely pitch black. How did those pen pushes at health and safety ever sign that off? I don't know. It seems needlessly... But then, yeah, I just don't think...

Because the argument is, if some of the waiting staff are non-seeing, does it really matter? They want to work, they need to work. So it becomes an unpolitical issue. Then you're kind of like, well, yes, but you're adding in a lot of variables that a kitchen needs to be able to run.

What happens if he needs to go to the toilet as a customer? Fire alarm, obviously, that's an alarm. That doesn't matter. I'm trying to think of issues here. Yeah, what if you need to go to the toilet? Yeah. But you'd just be let out, wouldn't you? You'd just be let out.

But I reckon it must be a pretty big space with very few tables. Yeah. I'd worry that someone's tickling me. It's got a very good reputation. Excuse me, I'm trying to eat a steak

off my friend's belly here. Do you mind? I might, because you could just get completely naked and no one would know. Yeah. Excuse me, sir,

why are you lying across the table on the back? One, well, two reasons actually. One, because I can't see anything. And two,

because my friend is eating the steak off my belly. You got a problem with that? Exactly. Lovely old joke. How are you? How's your week been, Peter? What's new with you?

Oh, it's been all right. Just been beset with just issues and problems. My partner's away. Sarah's away. And she is in Chicago doing a Chicago town pizza promotion for her radio station. Oh, what a great gig. What a great gig. And she's just eating pizza all the time.

She's just eating pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And I, I'm eating like healthfully. I'm like eating, a couple of nights ago I had a pot noodle with a load of asparagus jammed in it from the air fryer. Yeah, I found that confusing. Yeah a load of asparagus jammed in it from the air fryer. Yeah, I found that confusing. Yeah. I've just been eating quite well. I'm just eating well is the best revenge.

There's no revenge involved. I'm just eating well. You're not eating well when you send to your work group, with everyone who works at a company on it, just an uncontextual Japanese pot noodle with loads of asparagus sticking out the top of it. I think it's a lovely touch, personally. I think it's great for you and for your personal brand. Listen, you've had a fantastic

fortnight in terms of your personal brand. You've had that dog shirt. Dog shirt, yeah. You've had that Japanese noodle with asparagus thing on the group. You've probably made a couple of ill-advised purchases,

have you, over the last couple of weeks? Managed to get that Apple iMac i upped i upped my uh i upped my uh purchase uh power i panicked i i gave i put 50 in and i thought well that's not gonna that's gonna that's gonna bloody gone so i was like well god i'll i'll up it to 75 and and and she took that one so to speak so yeah so well done me actually um I took a picture of another meal I did make. The first of many I've made while Sarah's been away. And I've got a picture.

Do you want to maybe have a think about what all that is? Okay, yeah. So, you're holding it up. So, okay. Yeah, I can easily do this, I reckon. Because I know you. And it's basically, it's not about identifying the food. It's about channeling how much you know about Pete Donaldson.

Yeah, okay, okay cool first of all there's some stilton on it stilton yeah good stilton birthday stilton expensive stilton bottom of the picture looks to be like those yellow chilli peppers

you get in the kebab house correct yeah now the top right looks like the burnt fish tail it's crab sticks I put in the air fryer so I'm not far off

with that not far off I thought. Not far off. I thought that would work. And then on the left looks like some kind of red chillies. No, no, no, no. It's just crab sticks put in the air fryer. Those chillies you get in the kebab house at Stilton. And at the top, it does look like a little poo.

It's just a bit of jam that came with all the cheese that I got for my birthday. That is the meal of a maniac. It's not the meal of a maniac, for crying out loud. Hang on, be quiet a minute. Partly because I've lost you in vision. I can't see you. You don't know what I'm up to. It's my fault.

I put my mobile phone down on the camera button, so I popped off for a bit. Oh, internal temp high. Allowed to call i i want people listening to fully understand and process yeah that i am making a show twice a week with someone who eats a meal like that and that tells you everything you need to know about what i'm dealing with right right okay the man is eating air fried crab sticks yeah stilton yeah chili pepper from the kebab house and jam on the same plate yeah well the jam goes with the stilton and uh it wasn't the worst meal i made that week to be fair well i believe that that doesn't make it a good thing hey that kitchen

stinks now and uh it attracted it attracted the attention of a fox yesterday when i was in the cabin i was in the cabin down the end of the garden. Foxes just trying to get in the house. Trying to test the old fences. Trying to get in the house. Want some of my crab sticks. Yeah, they're really brave. They are so brave. Yeah, brave boy.

Did I tell you a couple got shot in my house before I moved in? I think I did, didn't I? Obviously not. I did. I must have done, surely. You haven't told us that surely you haven't told us that you haven't told us that story tell it now

they were apparently we were visited the house the house owners before us were visited by by two foxes

very regularly they'd go through the bins they'd fucking kick off and just be a pain in the bum whatever and so they so they brought some I think they must have been

exterminators out and they were kind of expecting the exterminators, because they're foxes, they were expecting, like, you know, put a bit of poison down, or put a bit, something that would scare the foxes away, because, you know, they were, they were being a bit of a menace, apparently, but, um, the thing that, uh, the thing that, uh, the exterminators came around, and they managed to capture the two foxes, put them in a big cage, and then they shot them. They shot them in the garden. Blood up the fence, everything.

Is that even legal? Well, apparently so. I mean, yeah, they don't seem like the best exterminators, and I imagine farmers have very different views of what foxes do. So when you said someone got shot, you just mean foxes? Yeah, I didn't say someone got shot. I didn't say someone got shot. Some of them got shot. Oh. So when you said someone got shot you just mean foxes? Yeah, I didn't say someone got shot. I didn't say

some of them got shot. Oh, I thought you said someone got shot. I think I said some of them. Anyway, someone got shot and yeah, two foxes got shot in the garden.

I kind of want to know where it was. It's awful. It's awful. We'll get a lot of stick for that. Do you remember I told you that story that I saw a fox get decapitated

on the train track? Which I fucking did, by the way. I actually saw that, and I had made the mistake of recounting that story to our listenership. Yeah. You know, and it was a few years ago now,

so maybe they weren't quite as urbane and cultured and understanding as they are now. I got a load of stick for that. All I was doing was telling the story. I mean, it happened right in front of me. It was a weird thing. I thought it's of interest. I can't believe it.

Cruelty to animals. I didn't kill the fox. I didn't have anything to do with it i was just standing on the platform at like six in the morning one morning and it happened the fox got confused didn't know if to come or go and got killed and it was an awful thing and i was kind of sharing it as you know a little bit of a therapy session people did not like that story so they ain't gonna like that one either pete donson you did take a picture though and that's the thing that everyone wanted they did i was people like that one either Pete Donaldson you did take a picture though and that's the thing that everyone wanted they did

I was bombarded people got upset and then the other half wanted the picture bombarded you know you said that your kitchen now stinks

after that meal you made a good friend of mine Phil who you listeners will be familiar with because he owns that hotel up in Loch Ness

he's a character and I mean that in the ultimately the most positive way possible he's a great great guy but he's a character, and I mean that in the ultimately the most positive way possible. He's a great, great guy, but he's a character, and he would be happily comfortable being described as such. He put an onion in his juicer, and he had to chuck the juicer away.

Yeah. Impossible to get the taste or smell out of it. Yeah, you've got to... You can't play with onions in that way. I don't know what it is about them. Is it underrated in society how powerful onions are? I think it is. You have a bit of raw onion in your sandwich or in your burger,

your day's over. But why sometimes you do get raw onions in a burger? And it's like... It's pathetic. It's pathetic. There's two things I cannot fucking stand. And I am a burger expert. I don't care what anyone...

I'm not an expert at anything. But I am a burger expert. And if you're not toasted... If I'm going to a commercially fucking viable restaurant for a burger and you are A, not toasting the bun, and B, not grilling the onions, don't expect my custom ever again. Yeah, not grilling the burger, though.

Some of them... No, the bun. I mean the bun. The bun. Yeah, yeah, the bun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Sorry. Yeah, I mean, I think... Well, yeah. Hmm. Yeah, I don't mind a non-grilled

brioche bun as long as it's nicely no because it falls to pieces if it's not toasted not having it no I don't mind that but I just think the raw onion is

fucking disgusting absolutely yeah it's it's a day end though it doesn't matter how much chewing gum you eat so the chewing gum situation in this country

is quite an interesting one as well because the chewing gum in the UK is of good quality when compared to our American cousins our American cousins chewing gum situation in this country is quite an interesting one as well. Because the chewing gum in the UK is of good quality when compared to our American cousins. Our American cousins chewing gum, the flavor is nowhere near as strong. The strongest of all the breath-freshening mint chewing gum is the Wrigley's Extra Pepper Mint, right? Right. Two of those cannot handle raw onion.

You've just got to let nature take its course. It doesn't matter how many times you brush your teeth, it doesn't matter how much chewing gum you have, your day is over if you eat even one slice of raw onion. You're done. And I think we should be more aware of that as a society. And some people with bad guts,

they should steer clear of the old onions. I will say, for one, it's not as bad as what a man did in Japan. Cover this on Abroad Japan, because it's quite a good story. A man's been, got in trouble. He's been fined by a hotel chain.

Because he boiled two crabs in the hotel kettle. Fucking hell. How did they find out he did it? Because it fucking stank, Luke. Absolutely stank. He's probably got worms in did it? Because it fucking stank, Luke. Absolutely stank. He's probably got worms in his belly. But yeah, he was on a business trip

and he thought, I'll get myself a lovely bit of crab. And he just boiled this crab until it could be boiled no more and made a delicious crabby mess in the hotel room. He's been charged like... Why are you doing that?

But he's only being charged like, I think, $100 or something because they couldn't rent the room out the two days hence and also they had to sort of fumigate the room a little bit professionally. So I think that's pretty good for the sweet taste of fresh crab in your hotel kettle.

Do you think that's something that fumigators normally do? We're just going to fumigate the room a bit. I think really, I feel like once you're in there for a fumigation, you can't have been for a penny in for a pound but you can't half fumigate a room can you no that's true just open the windows yeah i don't know what he was doing but i just imagine him sitting on the edge of a business hotel bed uh just peeling a crab i mean you know what the worst the worst smelly food story I've got is, I will name names because I've got to the stage in my career now where I don't fucking care.

I was working at TalkSport. As loads of you know, I was working at TalkSport and I started out at TalkSport before I had my Friday night show. I started out doing the breakfast show papers. That was a fucking gig. It was hard. The cab would come for you at five in the morning. At the time, I was still working full time,

so I was going to work straight after. But anyway, cab would come at five in the morning at a time i was still working full time so i was going to work straight after but anyway cab would come at five in the morning you would get in there do the preparation to prep it all yourself and then when it came to go on the breakfast show and do the papers um you had to be super prepared because you never knew what adam brazil was going to say and and anyway so you'd be in there for an hour and a half prepping there's a guy who worked he worked at the time called ian abrahams who everyone calls the moose he's kind of famous for all the lots of different reasons he would be there from 3 a.m because he was doing the breakfast news and sport right so when it got to about 6 a.m that was like his lunch time right every single morning i was in he would be microwaving tuna pancakes yeah yeah i mean tuna pancakes how's he yeah. I mean, tuna pancakes?

How's he made that then? Has he made the pancakes at home? Why pancakes? I don't know. Don't know. Tuna mayonnaise pancakes? Yeah. Tuna mayonnaise in a pancake?

Microwaving them. I'm not going to investigate any further, mate. I don't know the answer to your question. I don't want to know. I don't care. They should have a rooftop

microwave for maniacs who need that level of tuna protein in their lives. Because it's just no good. It's no good. You can't cook it. Do not warm. Ugh. When I asked kindly if I could make the move graduation from breakfast papers to like a better spot,

I genuinely gave that as one of the reasons. It fucking stinks in the morning yeah I can't I can't deal with this if I've had a few beers or not before particularly I can't deal with this I mean to be fair

most breakfast show kind of studios stink of just farts just farts people because older men mucks up your guts doesn't it

it just messes with your guts you're eating bad food I used to when I used to do Lorna Vance Breakfast Show I used to turn up at like, at Knit Crackham for, you know,

six, at Leicester Square, tube station. And you know those kind of like, they're probably not even fucking allowed to do it anymore. But you know those kind of like, they're like little off licences,

like little newsagents, shows and stuff. And then they'd always have a little kind of unlovable little collection of sweets and savoury sort of pastries behind a little

glass that piece of glass that never gets washed and they were all and they would be bright yellow kind of like

balty pakora things yeah I remember those yeah do you know what I mean like and I'd get one every morning

I'd be like that is a madness doing that this is the only food that's available at this time of the morning. And it would be horrible and there'd be too much pastry. You shouldn't have been doing that at that time of the morning.

That's younger man stuff. We're building a case, like a criminal case about your guts. That is a big piece of evidence. Me in the dock, stomach crying. Tell him that story. He won't need an endoscopy. Which, by the way the way with a lot of emails people are asking about endoscopies and speaking about um emails let's have a break

because we've got to do some battery brands pete and we come back so um let's let's do that all right so look at pete's your pat two battery brands what we do every thursday that's what we're doing this thursday for crying out loud got a a message from Steve. If you found a battery in a bit of tat that you've got, and it's got an interesting name, we're not talking to GP Ultras. GP Ultras are ubiquitous. They are everywhere. They're in every Samsung bit of nonsense out there.

We want some interesting, silly names. Steve's come in with one. This probably couldn't be further from a new player, and I should hang my head in shame, but I found this battery on the side in a BT exchange in Norwich. I've never heard of the brand before. I present to you,

Ultralife 9-volt lithium. I appreciate they are not AA or AAA, but the old 9V block is a standard in my part of the parish. Steve, you are allowed a 9-volt block. You're allowed any of the 8Ds. You're just not allowed the rechargeable, weird-shaped ones that you see

in modern consumer electronics. Before I give the answer on this, because I've've done the search and i'll give the verdict can i just get a ruling from you pete on the fact that he's found this on the side of a bt exchange in norwich i think that's fuck yeah you're right you have to own the battery but i think this one is so charming in where they found it you're introducing a caveat caveat, are you? I'm introducing a caveat. I think this is a special case. We've struggled about it before, like people who've got battery bins in Tesco's

and taken a picture. They are not welcome here. They are not welcome here. But I think finding ultra-life in a BTX... A BTX change? What is that? It's like, isn't it one of those big buildings where they do all the communication administration and stuff? I presume so, but why is Steve in there? That's what I want to know.

The plot inevitably needs to thicken. Let us know, Steve. I can reveal that if you're going to accept it, Pete, it is indeed, miraculously, it is a new player. Oh, it's because it's very sort of like, it's pretty lame, isn't it, as a word, Ultralife. You'd think someone would come out with that one before. The specific Ultralife 9V lithium is a new player, but also we've never had

Ultralife sent in before. Fantastic. Which is kind of surprising, really. The battery itself is really depressing. It reminds me, it's the same packaging as there's a Japanese chewing gum called Black Black, which is very powdery and it tastes very metallic.

But it's got caffeine in it. So it wakes you up a little bit. It's disgusting, but it works. Looks like that. Got a message from Joshua. Hello, Joshua from Memphis, Tennessee here. Always on the lookout for a possible submission. I found in this random remote.

Excited to present to you my first submission. W Box Technologies. What a Wbox is, God only knows. Joshua's one box. I'm so excited by this. And I just can't hide it. The photo's great. This is a new player, confirmed.

Joshua, congratulations. I've never seen anything like this before. I've never heard of it. Never once come across it. I've no idea how old it is. It's a very classic design. red with a black and white kind of name on it w box technology we are still four or five years on finding brand new battery bro it's fucking insane it's insane congratulations i don't know if i can say really i would very much like to know what other technologies w box technologies actually create yeah i just want to see those ones that don't just create batteries they also brand up i don I don't know, travel irons,

the aforementioned dildos. I just want to know what they make. I want to know what other things they make. Yeah. For crying out loud. Anyway,

Andrew from the Sunshine Coast, Australia. Lovely part of the world. He's put in parentheses. G'day there, Luke and the Pete. I was digging around my old stuff in preparation

for moving to Japan. Good man, and found a pair of AA Shanghai Donya in my Game Boy Color. Is this a new player? I find this very charming that Andrew is taking his Game Boy Color to Japan.

Hey, guys, check this out. Yeah. I'm just like you guys. It's a brand new player. That's a hat trick of new players, mate. What a seismic day for the LukaPetra community. What a seismic day. Is that three?

Is that the first time we've had three in a row? Three in a row hat trick. I don't know if it's the first time we've had three in a row? I don't know if it's the first we've had three in a row but it certainly seems to me it's certainly the first hat trick I can remember. Fantastic. Well done guys.

Cracking stuff. I think that's the first time we've ever had three on three so no doubt this will be celebrated on the socials for about a year. I want to have fun time.

Congratulations to everyone who's contributed there. Yes. Do keep them coming in. The speech says hello at lukeandpetech.com. Before we go, I really want to do a quick email because this has

not changed my life, but it's certainly made my life a lot better. It comes from James Jennings. Now, a Monday, maybe the Monday before the last, I think, Peter, we were talking about cling film, right? How difficult it is to use. The most particular iteration of the sainsbury's

brand cling film is crap it just tears it sticks to itself it's really really difficult to use james jennings god bless him has come in with the following hi guys just a quick one regarding your cling film chat from last monday's show something i learned last year after a lifetime of despising cling film is you must store it in the freezer. It temporarily makes the plastic less clingy because of the cold temperature. Hope this info is useful. Love the show. Now, I saw that email coming a few days ago.

I thought we definitely got to do that. But in the meantime, I'll try it out. I promise this is true. I went down to Sainsbury's local, bought a new load of cling film because I chucked it on my way. I was so pissed off with it. And I had considered a life without cling film at that point. And I tried exactly what James said. And it actually works.

It works perfectly. Does it actually? Yes, it works. I'll be honest with you. It only works for a certain amount of time. As soon as it starts coming up temperature again, it gets up to all its old tricks. Is that because it reduces the static electricity in the thing? So could you just have that constantly in there?

I'm not sure how it works, but it does. The cardboard box would get soggy, wouldn't it? Yeah. So have you ever seen a film, and this might be a complete false equivalence and a bit of a stretch to say the least, but have you seen the film The Dawn Wall? The Dawn Wall?

No. It's a documentary about the guy a couple of guys really interesting story actually trying to climb a particular face of el capitan in yosemite right okay yeah and they do a lot of the point being they do a lot of their climbing at night because it's easier to stick to the rock yes okay right i wonder if there's something in that well it probably makes the uh well it'll make the plastic uh less um pliable i suppose and make it a little stiffer i suppose all i'm saying is try it try it just try it all right okay maybe i will i hate my cling film but i love it it does such great things when you get it off the roll oh it's a great it's a great piece of kit but it seems to

have gone downhill in terms of the quality of it recently. The same as we were saying before, maybe that's just how we see life these days. We think that everything's going to hell in a handcart. We need to find out what Jordan Peterson's take on cling film is. Probably sees it as a sign of feminist oppression, no doubt. Yeah, probably, probably. All right, then.

We've done another show. And who knew? You believe it? It's crazy. Sometimes you just look up and you go, that's a show done. That we had it in us, to be quite frank.

This has been the Luke and B show. We'll be back on Monday, the 23rd of May for more fun, games and hand grenades. See you later. Oh, sorry. I thought you were going to jump.

No. You opened mouth and I thought you were about to say something. That was a really nice sign off and I thought, I'm not going to interrupt a genius at work.

Well, I just cut you there then. No, do it again. Now do it again. All right. We'll be back on Monday the 23rd of May for more fun games and hand-grabbing. Bye! Oh, fuck.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. The Luke and Pete Show is a Stack production and part of the ACAST Creator Network.