The Luke and Pete Show - Yes, Captain Kidney

Episode Date: April 27, 2026

It’s nearly Sir David Attenborough’s 100th birthday but Pete isn’t especially looking forward to the celebrations. He is, however, excited for a certain upcoming brewery-based World Cup event. As is Luke.Elsewhere on today’s show we’ve got discussion concerning antihistamines and tattoos, some fascinating listener correspondence re: kidney transplants and a return to the wonderful world of what3words.Send us your latest stories, questions and comments here: [e-mail] Luke and Pete Show is the sometimes ridiculous, always funny podcast with Luke Moore and Pete Donaldson: two men who have time on their hands and a good idea of how to waste it. Subscribe to get your comedy podcast fix every Monday and Thursday. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Peter, it is Monday, 27th of April. I'm Pete Donaldson. I'm joined by Mr. Lucie Moore. We ended the last show, Luke, about me cancelling a dentist's appointment and an optician's appointment for the ramble. So what are you going to do in the middle of the ramble? If my teeth hurt so bad, I start screaming.

I don't know if people would notice in terms of my output. Oh, Pete's doing a thing again. Yeah, it's doing a skit. Feets to do a little skit. So you've got to cancel both of those things because you're going to do a round an episode? Yeah, yeah. It's dedication to the craft.

Well, I can't really complain. I've been, I was on a work trip for a week. But I've found in my pockets just then a lot of, a lot of licorice. A lot of liquor, like different, like, loose licorice products. Little, little sort of like black, like jelly beans and little tiny licorice. Toppy do you. stuff. You live in like a beano, you're looking like a beano comic strip. In my big bag, like there was a smaller bag of, um, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of

damage but you're also looking at, there's a lot of stuff that gives your brain down, like first generation antihistamines, sleeping tablets, come on guys, let's have some fun. Let me have a NyQuil for crying out loud. So you can get brain damage from licorice? I think so. I think it gives you, I think it gives you some kind of, certainly makes you shit your pants. I'll give you that much, but I think, I think liquorish does, I think liquorish does damage you and if you eat too much.

I think it's one of those things that, like, you would need to, like, you need to drink 50 diet corks a day for three months. to find any effect from it. The Donald Trump effect? It's the Donald Trump. What's been happening since I was away on my very important business trip to WrestleMania? It seems that Trump's just continued

sort of trying to wish things into appearing when it comes to negotiating or not negotiating with the Iranians. It just seems to you're sort of saying, this is happening, this is happening, and then they go, no, they're not, and then they start blowing up stuff again. It seems to be what's been happening. I think it's very difficult to follow.

I was reading the other day that the FBI director went missing. Didn't they have to use like a... Didn't they have to use a brief thing to smash his hotel door? Yeah, the big red key. Didn't they couldn't get in his office so they'd knock it down and stuff. I think it was a hotel room on a trip, wasn't it? Right, okay. Well, either way, the FBI director, the head of the proud agency that is the FBI, Cacchatel.

Denies all of these allegations. is trying to sue, or says he's going to sue the Atlantic for, or is it $250 million? I think that's the price for. They're just picking a number, don't they? It's just that's the price for. It's not when Trump's on, we'd sue the BBC for $8 billion. It's like, what? What? Do you know how big the UK is? Do you know how profitable the BBC is, mate? That's, we'd have to give you all of the master tips for Doctor Who. Yeah, that's the counter offer.

That's a counter offer. Would you accept? Like, the racist ones. The ones. David Atabber did a voiceover of your, of a biopic of your life. Lovely, yes. His 100th birthday's coming up. They're planning it, aren't they? What is?

The Iranians. David Attenborough's 100th. It's true. What they're planning? What they're going to do with them? There's going to be a big, like, festival of, like, um... Penguins. TV, BBC TV for...

Right. He's literally like 100 next week. Yeah. Well, well, I like David Attenborough. I like his shows, but I think you know that I'm not going to like this series of programs. Yeah. you're going to be obtuse about it, I expect. I am, yeah.

Which is a bit bloody rich coming from you, sunshine, but I'll take it. Well, you know what you mean? I'm not obfutious, am I? You always obfuse about stuff. Oh, I don't like stand-ups. I don't like SNL, UK. Even though, as I said at the time, it's going to be a roaring success,

and then it became a roaring success. Six episodes, never seen again. Is it finished now? I don't know. I appreciate it. Well, we've only run for six episodes, weren't they? So I imagine it's probably... I don't remember you said it's going to be a roaring success, Peter.

rewind the tape I definitely might have said might have said it might be okay roaring sick I actually thought the first episode was alright well you did what to be fair

you watch more of it than I did so I went out of my way to watch it and I didn't hate it it was too long but it was other than that it was fine and then sketch shows

I by their nature hit and miss but anyway can I just can I just chuck out there speaking of licorice product

when I was in Iceland I'm pretty sure I had like It might have even been a Cadbury's, like limited edition only for Icelandic's liquorish chocolate bar. Right, okay, yeah. I didn't know it had licorice in it until I bit into it. Ah, did it ooze out, like a, like, venom-venom-skin?

Right, okay. It was weird. I bet they don't sell them any of those, but I'd very much like to try them. Like, that's the thing when you were in America last week, and obviously, like, you see stuff there, and you're like, why isn't that over here? And then you taste it, and it's like, yeah, it's very, um, it's a very, it's a, it's a, it's a, bit, it's a bit much, isn't it? Yeah, I think a lot of it's because the ingredients and stuff,

they can't get it past. Yeah, anything with like, sort of, because I spent most like the beers that I did drink were mainly sort of Michelada, kind of like the Modelo Michelada product that's basically just like tomato juice beer and like chili in it as well. And I absolutely loved it, absolutely love that stuff.

And I don't know why that's not, why that's not over here because that's all I would drink. So refreshing. Doesn't get you drunk, it's great stuff. Is it as refreshing as a nice cold, pint of my physyanth? It's not actually. I'm yet to taste it,

and I've tasted like some of the ones that it'll be based on, I think. But yeah, their main, the brewery that we're working with are very good, and they made a laager. Their kind of main laager,

which I forget the name of now, is very good. So if my fizziant is even 50% as good as that, it's going to be the beer of the summer. It's for your mouth. Isn't their lager called disco pills or something? Disco pills. I like that one very much.

I think it's tasty. The brewery visit was good, wasn't it? It was good. It was like... Because apparently it used to be a squat, which I found very interesting. Yeah, they said that. It used to be...

So it was originally a different brewery, then it got taken over by a squat when they went out of business. Then they took it over and had to kick it back from the squatters. Yeah, I mean, they... I mean, they're clearly confident lads taking over a failed brewery with a brewery.

Like, that is cocky, isn't it? And they've made a success of it. So that was well founded. And then we're going to come along and ruin them. Peter. What? We will. I'll do it.

It doesn't always have to be a negative sting in the tail when it comes to you. I'll decide whether it's going to be a negative sting of the tail. Thank you. You know we're doing that World Cup watch along there? I'm really looking forward to that. It's such a good space. And if you were having to think about whether you wanted to get tickets, let me say two things.

The space is massive. It's great. And you know, you know, You know my obsession with televisions because we've done some watch-alongs in the past where I've not been able to see the telly. You, if you fall down because you drank too many, my fizzy ants,

there will be a telly on the ceiling. That's how many tellies there are. The telly's a massive. The space is great. It's going to be a great night. And, yeah, I'm really looking forward to it. And it's going to be warm. It's a lovely warm summer's day.

Oh, I've been on the summer, eh? And there's going to be a little rambled chat before, Ireland. I was wondering if you wouldn't mind doing that. Oh, right. Okay. What do you mean? What you asked me?

what do you mean what do you mean rambled chat well we've signed up to do a little mini ramble episode before and I think right why don't you want to do you're a part of the ramble but it doesn't have to be all of us does it

just do it what's your problem you like you like standing this is what I spoke about on the last episode you worry about problem you worry about things before they happen um

whereas i worry about things after they happen there's nothing you can do about it is there that's what I do no so I worry about I don't worry about things and then five minutes before we get on stage, it was like, oh, I've not

planned anything here. This is going to be a nightmare. And you're already pissed by that point. And I've already pissed. So that exactly, I've had enough of my vis-y-hands not to care. But yeah, that's going to be a lot of fun that. Big, big fan of that. It will be good. I wonder if I'm kind of hoping that the general

sale, people on general sale will be able to get a ticket because obviously the patron guys get it first. So. Greedy piggys. The greedy patron pigs are all hoovering up the tickets, are they? Sounds like it. It's a benefit. in it. It's a benefit from supporting us. It is a benefit.

Hitchin.comvostas, foot marble. Yeah. Get involved. Sign up for $5. And you get all these offers. And you gain access to white hot balustrade chat and Discord as well. Yeah. Well, by the way, speaking of the summer, I got inadvertently sunburned last weekend.

Oh, right. Okay. Yeah. What were you doing? It was like 14 degrees in April. And I was out for the day with the wife and son I have access to. I was nice and sunny, but it's not hot. Yeah. I was wearing a fucking G-Lay. It was that mild.

And I got a sandbag in a G-lay. I know. Love it. Crap, isn't it? It's because I'm a really fair skin, but also, obviously been in darkness for the last six months, haven't we? Yeah.

I think I got a bit of colour on the old face, but in, was it hot in Vegas? He was hot, but it's not, it's horrible. It's just done my throat in. It's like,

I feel like I've just been drinking sand for a week. Because it's so dry, yeah, yeah. It's so dry, and then you go inside, and it's just constant. air conditioning. Like there was this room where most of the wrestling matches took place

and the air was so dry because the air conditioning was just absolutely smashing it out and stuff. It's absolutely great venues to watch wrestling in and stuff. You know, great sightlines and all that stuff but oh my goodness it's absolutely really tough on the old throat

so I'm hoping being back in Leon C is going to help me out a little bit throat wise. Peter, should we have a quick break? when we come back, should we do a couple of pieces of correspondence from our, my lovely listeners? Let's do it. Welcome back to the Lincoln Peach Show. And as promised, hello at Lukepeach Show.com is the way to get in touch via email.

We've got some emails, we've got some messages on the YouTube and stuff that we'd like to get through. Lukie Moore, which ones do you want to get through? So I'd like to do this one from Matt. Hello to you, Matt. And it's following up on something we talked about when we were a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about kidney transplants. Okay, yeah. I found this fascinating.

Matt says, hi guys, I did a year or so of a urology residency after finishing med school in the US before pivoting to finance and eventually farmer, so I'm fairly qualified to address the kidney question. Basically, when you get a kidney transplant, the surgeon doesn't touch your old kidneys. They leave them right where they are, blood supply intact, but by the time someone needs a transplant, those kidneys have basically given up anyway. They'll slowly shrink and atrophy, but the plumbing stays can. The new kidney goes down in the pelvis near your hip. The donor kidney's artery gets hooked into one of your iliac arteries,

which are the big vessels that supply your legs. Then the ureta gets stitched straight into the bladder. So most transplant patients are walking around with three kidneys, two originals in the back doing nothing, and the new one in the pelvis doing all the work. And placing it there also keeps it close to the surface, which makes biopies a lot easier. It is as wild as set up as Luke suggested,

but it works very well. hope that helps Matt. I love that the hip, like the hip area, and the pelvis, sorry, is like, there's just a bit of room in there to work with. Do you know what? It's like a little garage to put your projects in, yeah, the human garage.

And I also find the idea of like a fucked kidneys just kind of giving up and just atrophying in your body, but also having access to blood flow and just sort of going, I'm doing nothing, I'm just dying. It just seems weird that that would be in you. Like a ungrateful kid, like living there and not paying real. I'm just basically holding its breath going

We'll do nothing I'll take your blood I'll take your blood I'll take your blood I'm not doing anything with it I'm not filming it I'm just a big tube these days as we all are

Peter would you give me a could you give me a kidney if I needed it Yeah I think so But as long as I get to tickle it If it's close to the service surely If it's ready for biopsy It's ready for Peter to give a little tickle Yeah

Would you hold it over me Forever? What are what? Fuck yeah I'd be living in the house I'll be like, I'm not paying rent in my house. I'll just get phone calls and it'll be you on the other line just going, Deliveroo, Dominoe now. Give me, what stuff?

Yes, Mr. Yes, Captain Kidney. Yes, Captain Kidney. Yeah. You don't want my kidneys. I get a phone calls from you going, enjoying that beer, are you? Enjoying that through my kidney, are you? I'm not getting a, I'm not getting a taste of this. Metabolizing that alcohol, are you?

What other organs can you donate? You can donate kidneys. Presum when you can donate. Irises? Can you? You're not when you're still alive. Not why it's still alive. I mean, everything's up for grabs, I guess, when you're dead.

Yeah. What can you do? Is it the only kidneys you can donate when you're still alive? Born marrow, kidneys. Lung? Can you donate a lung? Probably not. I don't think so.

No. I'm not sure I'm not up for that. I don't want of yours. I can put it that way. Asthmatic. No, God. Mine has the capacity of like a, you know, an old lady's really. It's like an old, you're just like an old fucking whee's bag hot water bottle.

Mine's like, mine's like, I keep on sort of figuring out, oh, maybe it's, maybe it's sort of seasonal kind of like problems. Maybe if I take it out of history and it fixes it for a day and then I'm like, and I've got, I'm on the strongest asthma meds. I don't know what, what's next? What's next? What's next? Boy in the bubble. I'm going to just have been a big zorb. Yeah, probably you'll be wheeled around one of those massive iron lungs. Yeah. I can't tell whether, like, maybe it would be better if I had a more active job.

I'd probably get... Told you swimming. It's not a job, is it? No, when you go swimming every other day, you'd be much better off. You keep telling me that. Yeah, but it's like running. It's doing, like, is there a weightlifting version of swimming? Mate, we once talked about you starting running, and you said you couldn't do it and you

shit at it, and then you let on that you were basically sprinting as fast as you could. Yeah, because it's less boring. And then stopping after 15 seconds and being like, I can't do it. It takes too long. It's just like, it's just, I just don't have the capacity for, um, for the concentration it requires. But if you, if you, when you've got asthma as bad as you, is it safe for you to fly? You do not, is your asthma getting worse when you get on the flights? That's what I'm saying.

Some kind of pressure thing. The air must be thin, right? Yeah, but I mean, as long as you got your meds with you, I suppose. I honestly think it's, I think it's, I think it's trees and dogs personally, and I've got one of those in my house. So, there we go. I noticed yesterday that, um, you know, it's, I noticed yesterday that, um, um, I started to get really weird hay fevery symptoms. I was like, oh, fucking hell.

My mum's got hay fever. She developed it later in life. I was thinking, I'm I starting to get it. And then I saw online that the tree polymer's really high, and I was like, oh, God, I could do without this. Yeah. Vish has got terrible hair fever.

Vish is one some of the worst I've ever seen. But like, I guess like nowadays, Antihit, because I think Annie Hittemines means second and third generation. The first ones are the ones that give you brain damage and stuff. They give you, what do you call it? What do you call it when you're old and you, your brain.

Alzheimer's. It doesn't bode well, does it? Does it bode well, is it? Alzheimer's. I think the first generation of antihistamines. The stuff that basically knocks you out to sleep, they sort of say that it gives you Alzheimer's. Anyway, he must be on pretty decent ones

that don't give you Alzheimer's. Don't worry about the old doctor-prescribed ones. I think he's on the good stuff, really. Oh, dear. Nothing good can come with the over-the-catter ones when you've got it as bad as he has. You have to stop recording about four times a fucking show. I know, I know.

And he's so well put together in every other way. I don't know why his body would feel him in that way. What do you like about the way he's put together? He's just quite, always in the gym and he's quite muscular. And he eats great food. And his kidneys must be, you know, doing the work. Putting a shift in a shift. Do you reckon you've abused the most, Pete?

And you can't say lungs because you were born with that. What skin? Tattooed them, haven't they? That's needless, isn't it? Oh, there was a lot of research come out recently about that, wasn't there? No? What? Yeah.

What? It's like, I literally saw that the other day. Mm. What's saying? Don't put ink in your skin. No, there was a really interesting study saying that there's an increased risk of malignant lymphoma. Right.

Because the certain tattoo ink, part of the tattoo ink, the makeup of it, can migrate to your lymph nose and it just sits there. Oh, right, okay. And so it's basically, you've got like a 20-odd percent higher risk of lymphoma if you're heavily tattooed. Yeah, I mean, you've got to think that like, even just for your skin receiving light and, you know, functioning properly, being absolutely saturated with, you know, being a big tattooed guy, head to tour, that's got to do something to just. But I think if you're heavily tattooed, you're a kind of live-fast, die-young type anyway, right?

I guess so. Or you're from Essex. Yeah. Well, that's a good point, because I can remember as a kid, like it was, it's quite notable when you saw someone with tattoos. Yeah, yeah. And the maximum would be, like... Sailors or prisoners, basically.

Yeah, the maximum would be, like, on your arms and legs. But, like, you'd... Swallows on your hands, spiderwebs on your elbows. Yeah, seeing a little... Things with anchors and stuff. Swallows. Swallows on your neck. swallows on your chest

Where I grew up it was the swallows on your hands On the top of your hand there Right okay nice Yeah But to see your sleeve would be like You're the tattooed freak from the freak show Kind of thing You know what I mean

Like Victorian side show stuff Yeah absolutely End of day stuff Yeah it's crazy But now everyone's got one Yeah So you're saying skin I reckon the thing

I reckon mine is probably Um What's the one that really gets fucked up If you eat too much crap Oh, I don't know Just your heart, isn't it? I don't know Probably my heart

Just a big one, just a big lad Because you regularly break my heart That's why I know, I know We've got to piece it together Before every Before every sure Do you want a

Do you want some What Three Words chat? Oh yeah, yeah Yeah, we spoke about What three words What three words If you're unfamiliar Is a app

That has sliced up The entire world Leaving no stone covered Into 27 trillion squares. Yeah, to 27 trillion squares, all with three words that, three unique combinations of quite normal sort of English words. I don't know how it works in different languages, but yeah, and basically everywhere you've been in the world can be summed up with three words. And also, the Luke and Pete show community embarked upon this in quite an obvious way. And we talked about,

we basically went out and found the what three words location of your first, Ejaculation playing Hero Quest in the email and dad's house. Correct, yes. And then, like, essentially what's now happening is people are sending us to what three words for where they first ejaculated. And Lars Brown has got in touch. And Lars claims that his first ejaculation was in the what three words square of glaze item emerge. Oh, that's beautiful. That's amazing.

That is so fitting. That's true. That's absolutely cracking. And the great thing about that, Pete, is you. can now do what I hope you're going to do and just bosh that into the what three words and find out where it is. Yeah, why don't I, why don't we do little pilgrimbridge

pilgrimages? We should drive to these places and knock one out in tribute. I'm not sure about that. Gain access under the cover of darkness gain access to the what three words home. Not one out. Can I please just send you? I'm not going to say this because

publicly because it's probably doxing someone but I really need you, Peter. Look at the WhatsApp. Look at your WhatsApp now. For that, what, three words. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And look at the name of the road. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Oh, come on now. Is that doxing? Say the road. Uh, where is it? Let's have a look. Yeah, it's on the sort of border of Wales, isn't it? Horny old road. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Oh, God. Next to St. Peter's Road as well. They should have no, they should have some more respect, one would suggest. They should. Horny old road, fantastic. Incredible stuff. Yeah. Very good.

I would love to hear more, what, three words from people. Bruno picked out a few, which are quite interesting. I'm just trying to find them now. Yeah, so there's a place in the southern Netherlands called Glorified Bodily Passage. Nice, okay. southwest corner of Alaska, guitar gently weeps. Right.

That's good. And see if you can guess. Where do you think Slip Slop Slap is? Slip Slop Slap was an Australian skin cancer awareness thing, wasn't it? Oh, was it? Yeah, it was like put cream on you, Slip Slip Slop Slop. Well, it's in Antarctica anyway. And there's a place in Erkutsk in Russia called,

talking total nonsense which is where we should incorporate the Luke and Pete show I reckon yeah good point actually I'm looking at I'm trying to find there's no

sex isn't one of the words send send send send is near me really in Essex send send send send send that's pretty good isn't it that's kind of exciting all right Peter let's wrap up let's get out of here

we'll come back again on Thursday we've got a couple of batteries to catch up on as well we haven't done that for a wee while so we should probably catch up on a couple of those All right then. And, yeah, and have another catch-up then. Yeah, do send us a message. Hello, at Lukepeachio.com is the way to do that,

and you can get in touch with us on the YouTube as well, because you can see me in all of my behatted glory on YouTube right now, just search for a Luke and Pete show. Not the one called Luke and Pete, does she, or whatever they call. What do you think of them? Rubbish, rubbish, lads. Absolute waste rolls. Bye.

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