The Magnus Archives - MAG Twilight Abyss - Part 1

Episode Date: December 10, 2020

Welcome to the first instalment of Jonny's improvised horror roleplay game!In this first episode of three, Jonny, Ben, Lydia & Lowri collaborate to create characters & set them on a journey of infinite dread, horror and health code violations...Content warningsInnuendoMentions of: heights, death, mild child perilEdited this week by Lowri Ann Davies, Tessa Vroom, Jeffrey Nils-Gardner & Alexander J Newall.Produced by Lowri Ann DaviesFor more information on this week's sponsor visit http://bit.ly/RhythmofWar.Check out our merchandise available at https://www.redbubble.com/people/RustyQuill/shop and https://www.teepublic.com/stores/rusty-quill.You can subscribe to this podcast using your podcast software of choice, or by visiting www.rustyquill.com/subscribePlease rate and review on your software of choice, it really helps us to spread the podcast to new listeners, so share the fear.Join our community:WEBSITE: rustyquill.comFACEBOOK: facebook.com/therustyquillTWITTER: @therustyquillREDDIT: reddit.com/r/RustyQuillEMAIL: [e-mail] Magnus Archives is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill Ltd. and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International Licence Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Hi everyone, Alex here. Just taking a moment to let you know that this episode's sponsor is The Stormlight Archive Vol. 4, Rhythm of War, by internationally best-selling author Brandon Sanderson. The Stormlight Universe is as wild as it is large, from the labyrinthine trench city of Yador to the constant shallows of the Pure Lake and the magic-battered slopes of the Shattered Plains. Spirits and knights, scholars and demons, enchanted swords and even the gods themselves

all march towards a magical showdown in this newest Stormlight Archive volume, Rhythm of War. This fourth volume ramps up the tensions that Sanderson began with his New York Times bestsellers The Way of Kings, Words of Radiance and Oathbringer, leading everyone to choose a side, and it's available to purchase right now. Search for Rhythm of War or visit the link in this episode's description and get started on your own epic journey, knowing that at the same time, you're helping to support your favourite horror podcast. Thanks. Hello everyone. It's Johnny. We're playing a game.

What game you ask? I don't know. Nobody asked me to do this like two days ago. So we're finding a game. What game, you ask? I don't know. Nobody asked me to do this like two days ago. So we're finding out together. Hello, Laurie. Sorry to throw you under the bus immediately. It is going to be a horror game, RPG, set in, well, we'll figure it out, with a title of who knows.

And it's going to be using a system of my own design. So... The real horror is the unknown. The real horror is the unknown. Oh, we solved it. Yes, and I am bringing that horror to you all in your ears. Let us meet our players. So first up, there is Ben Meredith. Hello.

Who are you, Ben? I don't know. Okay, no, we've done the horror of the unknown. Oh, the audience needs to know. Oh, I'm Ben. I play Elias. I'd imagine you'd know that by now. I'm also in other podcasts,

also by the rest of Quill. Go listen to them. Thank you. And next up is, to my right, in my mind, because obviously we are, in fact, miles and miles apart, is Lydia Nicholas. Who are you, Lydia? I'm amused to start with. There was a lot of arguing about alphabetical order before this, and I should not have come at this point.

So Johnny is already messing with me. Thank you, Johnny. The true horror is Mr. Sims. I am Lydia Nicholas. I play Melanie in Magnus, and I play various characters in Rusty Quill Gaming. Okay, and finally we have Lowry. Hello, I am Lowry, and I produce the Magnus Archives, and I edit Rusty Quill Gaming. It's great.

Go listen to that as well. Listen to it. Also, Lowry is what you might think of as an Easter egg voice in Magnus. You know, you could turn up sometimes. Sometimes. In roles here and there. Just a hint of Welsh somewhere. Yeah, sometimes we'll be like, role it's just not welsh enough yeah

so sort of like alex you've actually done an impression of johnny for pickups several times and no one's noticed yeah it's just a bit welsh in this one i don't know why probably the horror yeah what's actually uh fun fact a lot of listeners won't know is that since episode 102 all my lines have actually been delivered by Lowry. God, I wish I was that good. We just twist them in post-production. Let's figure out what we're playing. So first up, we're going to need a setting.

Where do we want the horror to occur? Can it be somewhere warm just because it's really cold? Yeah, it could be somewhere warm. Oh, I'm really hot at the moment, but sure. Oh. It'll involve less acting. Right. Okay, let's split the difference go with somewhere like tepid you know so london somewhere just just really temperate like the horror to occur in a bath that i've left for three hours we could have yeah we could have a horror in a spa oh yeah sure spa horror why not an abandoned spa an abandoned water park or an abandoned water park very malarial or an active water park we'll see we'll see how we'll see how

things uh we'll see how things feel so adventure is going to take place in a water park and i am now going to roll up the title because i have created entirely for my own amusement this is not available through mcguffin and company mine and sasha's games company it's not available anywhere except on my computer i've i've created a cosmic horror sort of cthulhu-esque title generator do you know how much people would pay for that advertising space for like the thing that you're like available on my computer this cosmic title it's mine it's really suitable for fans of the magnus archives and rusty cool gaming maybe stellar firmer as well since you like a beat it's mine it's mine lid you could they can't

have it suitable for them they can't have it i don't know maybe maybe i'll format it as a pdf i'll whip out my graphic design skills. You're going to need to let me know if you actually want to do that. Put it in papyrus. Because if I don't cut that out, there's going to be demand. So I'm going to say, how many words do we want this title to be? Probably three or four? Yeah, I was going for four or five. Okay, well, okay, let's say four, but one of them's going to be a preposition.

Yeah, because you want a Night of the Living Dead for a water park. Absolutely, absolutely. We want that. So, words we've got. We've got abyss. Ooh. Twilight. Ooh.

And 75, soldier. Oh. Which is unexpected, but interesting. And finally, our preposition is before. This abyss before soldier. Something like before the abyss of the twilight soldier or the twilight abyss. The twilight before the soldier abyss. Twilight before.

You know what? I don't think, I'm not feeling the word soldier in this one. Neither am I. We're in a spa. Yeah, we're in a water park. Just having a nice day and then a Rambo pops out of a shed. Yeah, I've decided to discount soldier because, yeah, otherwise it's water park Rambo with cosmic eyes. We are actually going for straight horror here there may be absurd

elements but the idea that rambo rocks up may be absurd too absurd uh the new word is blind so it will be before the twilight of the blind abyss so we are playing the adventure before the twilight of the blind abyss oh so it's actually midday then if it's before twilight. Well, I mean, to begin with, to begin with. Okay, gets darker. And it will be at a water park. So who do you want to be playing? Let's have some character creation.

You could be a water park attendant. You could be a water park attendee. Those are basically the options. I think I would like to play a an investigator from the board of health and safety here to test the hygiene in the water park brilliant that's nice i was gonna say i'd quite like to be the caretaker of the water park caretaker brilliant are you wearing a rubber mask are we gonna have to take to take it off at some point? Yes. And Lyd?

I mean, I'm torn between either being management, who is deeply invested in not receiving a poor health and safety rating, or lower management, who are only mildly invested in that and also don't have any idea what's going on or a guest pretending to be one of the two would you be one of those uh a summer teen who's like got a part-time job at the water park uh yeah yeah i could i could do i could do that but i've i'm trying for management so like a bootlicking summer team summer team you really think that your your summer water park job is going somewhere this is a career path folks yeah brilliant the serious summer teen summer teen lifeguard yes yes lord i think you were a lifeguard in the last thing we played

together in um i was a lifeguard that was afraid of water. Yeah, but that was comedy and this is serious. Yeah, this is definitely going to be serious. This is deeply serious. I just really like playing lifeguard. Serious horror in a serious water park with a serious blind abyss. Twilight issue. It's got some really bad twilight problems.

Oh my God, are there shiny vampires? No, there are not shiny vampires. Serious vampires, Lowry. Very matte vampires. I can't believe none of you are taking this seriously. So, basic system. 2D6. Your standard target is an 8.

It can increase to a 10 or or 12 if it's really hard or go down to a 6 if it's very easy you'll have four four sort of traits for four aspects if one of them is relevant you can lower it by two you can also lower your target by two by essentially i've stolen the devil's bargain mechanic from blades in the dark which is if you negotiate a bad consequence with me it will make it easier for you you'll also have a couple of abilities that you can just are things you can just do everything is broadly hit point based you'll start with seven hit points if you take physical damage you lose hit points if you get scared you might lose hit points if you really embarrass yourself maybe you you lose hit points if you get scared you might lose hit points if you really

embarrass yourself maybe you'll lose hit points so this this represents physical emotional and psychological strength yeah it's just it's just it's just how many hits you can take whatever form the hits come in it's how many you can take that's quite real to life cool so if you insult us really badly maybe it's a hit point maybe it's a hit point cool yeah and if you're if you're out of hit points you are incapacitated as appropriate maybe you run away crying crying yeah maybe you make yeah maybe you die if if you lose your last hit point like wrestling the worm that resides within the earth and silently bides its time until it rises and wipes humanity from the face of its planet, then probably you die.

Then probably you run away crying because that worm has some real zingers. It's been thinking about cruel jibes. Less the spirit of the staircase, more the spirit of the eternal void. Just to spend two eons just sat in the centre of planet Earth being like, I should have said... I should have said you're the spineless one. Yeah! So, Ben,

you're an investigator. How are you imagining him? How are you picturing or her or them? I'll go with a bloke for now. And I think, I mean, we're at a water park. We're going to be pretty cookie cutter, sort of schlock horror.

So I'm definitely an uptight bureaucrat who has a vendetta against this park because I asked the owner out on a date once and they said no. So I'm going to close this. Okay, I'm playing that bloke from Bob's Burg the show okay brilliant that's that's what's happened here so i'm gonna give you the four traits uptight bureaucrat probably probably vengeful cool and let's let's say we probably want you to have a like good thing science what's what's one yeah like what's one

good thing about your investigator? I've got my water van. I've got science. I can test things. I can pH balances. Are there any turds in the pool? You know, like a big magnifying glass for that. You know. In which case,

I'm going to give you the trait analytic. Yeah, I've got my piss sonar. You know, all the standard water park stuff what's what's what's the what's the the like some things you haven't really said any bad words exactly i love to skirt i love to skirt around it you've just been gross okay what about uh you lid what's your summer teen lifeguard like? I think I'm going to play a ditzy bloke. Brilliant. He's going to be sporty. He's going to look like something out of Baywatch.

Is he a himbo? Yeah, himbo bloke, but really earnest. Himbo bloke, but really, really like earnest. So I'm not kind of trying to, you know, hide things to protect management. I really believe in Mr. Calcifer, who's like, who's the boss. Who I just, I really, I really is just, I really look up to him. And I think that I've really got a career out here at the water park of the Twilight Abyss. No, that's not the name of the water park. No, no, no.

It's called Slide World with a Y. Slide World. Okay, yeah. Yeah, I really believe in that. Earnest, truthful. I probably got, if we're thinking equipment in the way that Ben's got analytical stuff, I've got sports or water safety gear. So I've got a whistle.

I've got probably a life jacket. Okay. What I've got down for you is your first trait is himbo. Yep. And I've also put earnest, dedicated, and loud whistle. Okay. So cool. Not like strong or... loud whistle. Okay. So cool. Not like strong or...

Loud whistle is a very specific one. Does that come under himbo? Yeah, I feel like himbo is like a very broad one. Like himbo's, I think, one you're going to be getting to apply a lot. That's cool. So I'm okay giving you one that's just like... Whistle. You've got a whistle.

Yeah, cool. So I don't want to shock anyone, but I'm pretty sure the owner of the water park is a skeleton because his name is mr calcifer and i refuse to believe that anybody who's not actually a skeleton i mean you've you've seen him you've seen him he's very thin i mean and admittedly he does wear like those big hats and those huge shades yeah even even in the winter but crucially you don't see him that's just because he's he's had a lot of chlorine damage to his skin that's what happens when you dedicate yourself to uh to

safety and fun for all the family he's taken a lot on himself including serious chlorine damage so he needs to like cover cover his skin because it's now got a skin condition yeah he was he was he was in a pool cleaning accident he was it was terrible it was uh and he's he's never like he's he's been a bit of a recluse ever since it's really sad mr leroy calcifer yeah who runs slide world slide world obviously the logo of which is like it's a very close-up sort of abstracted cartoony face with a big splash behind it yep that's smiling if you look at it too long maybe it's a very close-up sort of abstracted cartoony face with a big splash behind it that's smiling. If you look at it too long, maybe it looks almost more like it's screaming. No, obviously they're screaming.

It's screaming with joy. In fact, if you would like a picture of your experience going down the hellfall, we can arrange that. The picture doesn't always show up under normal lighting, but it's just because the machine's broken ignore the extra people in the background let's finish creating lowry's character yes hello your caretaker i would like access to infinite cleaning things okay i guess i'm gonna say cleaner yeah it's a trait or like you know always able to find

a cupboard of cleaning okay stores you know uh resourceful yeah sure you old as balls yeah old as balls are we allowed to say balls how old are balls that's why i guess it depends who they're attached to they're old as balls really old balls well we've said it a lot now so either there's going to be a lot of beeping or we're going to cut that out well no we're talking about no but it's old as like this really old rugby ball i found there's a football that's been stuck up the school roof for like i think like 50 years you know it's made of the first ball was invented in 2003 a yeah no that's that's the future 17 years ago wait no 2003 ad is 17 years ago johnny do you know what time is 17 is actually really old and you can be very responsible uh so the caretaker is old as balls old as balls so like

17 years old we think yeah has worked that their entire life i would say knows the park inside out and uh cares very deeply okay. So what would be loyal, shall we say, for your last trait? I think I really, I'm quite invested in Lydia's character. I want them to take over my job because I see the,

because, you know, I need an heir because I am all this balls. And who's going to look after the park when I'm gone? I'm really sorry, Johnny. You were like, this is super serious. And we've just reinvented Scooby-Doo.

It's fine. Are you saying that Scooby-Doo isn't proper horror? It's going to be Scooby-Doo, but then Shaggy just explodes in front of us. And it's just awful. It's going to be Scoobyoby-doo if fred was lost to the abyss oh lid you are fred in in fact uh my my name is is freddy not fred freddy brilliant of course i've i've put down freddy with an ie i don't know why it just feels yeah it's proper like with the wires and like is is of, it's more, it's less responsible.

Yeah, absolutely. I'm very responsible. Ben, what's your investigator's name? Gavin Crumble. Oh, amazing. Excellent. I don't know why that's a work of art, but it is and you so clearly know it. Laurie, you got a name for your caretaker ms pledge ms pledge wonderful freddy doesn't

have a surname no that's not relevant he's like share so in terms of abilities i'm gonna say ben you have the ability it's in my truck you can find any mundane piece of equipment by returning to your truck and you can find any specialised piece of equipment if you also spend a hit point Your truck is really badly organised

so getting anything from the back is really stressful Laurie, you know the park like the back of your hand which will be an ability called back of my hand you can you can at any point declare a previously unknown section of the park uh that you are aware of or like a secret passage or this sort of thing yeah i know a shortcut yeah if you spend a hit point it is known only to you and it is not something that other people in the park would know about right and lids you you your ability is also called himbo at any point you can declare that your lack of understanding of something has granted you light immunity from it. Okay.

If it is an imminent danger, like if it is a legitimate danger, you will be required to spend a hit point to use that. Okay. So you have the final boy power. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, it's alright. What? As the tentacles rise behind you. What? It's fine.

It's just a weird octopus. It's alright. I saw it in Aquarium. Mr. Kelsifer said there were some new rides coming. I wouldn't possibly be able to understand how they would operate. So it makes sense. So, finally, you all have

seven hit points. Yay! Your characters are complete. So, it's a quiet day at slide world you know the midday sun is shining down the water is

crystal clear except for the water in the hell drop which is artificially dyed a very sort of deep black that's a code violation it's when a truck, well, a van, pulls up in front of the admissions,

like the long admissions line, which, you know, it's not quite as long and quite as full as you'd hope for a summer day like this, but, you know, as we've established, it's quite a temperate summer day. So, you know as we've established it's quite a temperate summer day so it's you know late summer almost early autumn and out steps gavin crumble could you describe mr crumble ben uh yes so um gavin crumble is six foot five rake thin has very very nice hair but it's almost certainly a wig no one's seen it but everyone

suspects and white guy wearing uh you know your classic sort of brown chinos belted slightly too high um he's got a white shirt with a white short sleeve shirt with some pens in the the top pocket there's a calculator in there for no particular reason because his job doesn't really need maths white short-sleeved shirt with some pens in the top pocket. There's a calculator in there for no particular reason because his job doesn't really need maths. And he's got, of course, a clipboard and a biro. One water plus two water equals unsafe. Yeah, and he's got a clipboard and a biro, which he is already tapping impatiently.

Okay. You see before you the admissions line for SlideWorld, leading up to a single kiosk where one slightly harried-looking young woman is sort of taking tickets and selling admissions. Excuse me there, ma'am, it's a... We've got a... You'll have to wait in line, sir.

No, I don't think you understand. I'm from the Department of Health. I'm the health inspector. Oh, the health... Can I see some ID? Oh, yes, of course. And he kind of gets this little plastic wallet with the badge of the Department of Health on it

and flips it open like he thinks he's an FBI agent. And it does have his ID in there but cool I'm gonna ask for a role not this is not to see if if she believes you she does it's to see if whether she thinks you're a tool or not yeah that's fair this will be a it'll be a base uh difficulty of eight can I can I use an ability negatively Because I definitely feel like uptight Doesn't help here I don't think You know what, I'm going to say No

Also I guess that would just increase the difficulty wouldn't it Yeah, that's how the system would work Yeah, cool, okay, so it's just 2d6 Actually I'll lower it by 2 Because you look for bureaucratic In the sense that It's about whether she takes it seriously or not So 2d6, I've got a 6 or over 6 or over That is a 5 for bureaucratic in the sense that it's about whether she takes it seriously or not. So duty six,

I've got a six or over. That is a five. That is a five. She sort of looks at you. She's been chewing gum this whole time. Oh no, she's a teen! And blows a very indifferent bubble. Oh, they're immune!

They're immune to my ways! She sort of stands up and she's like i'll go talk to mr calcifer wait here yes i will thank you and she leaves freddie what are you up to at the moment uh i'm uh i'm standing at the the top of uh the hellfall if anything i detract slightly from its its spooky air because i shine yeah everyone just glow really everyone just before they go into like the big ominous hole yeah like the lines backing up because everyone's just taking a couple of extra seconds just to kind of like yeah stare at you and be like i kind of i kind of imagine fred be... This will sound weird, but... So he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt thing that's open over swimming trunks.

Absolutely. But the way that I imagine them is sort of Ken doll-ish, so it's like shiny chest but no nipples. Oh! I'm sure that they have... It's not that they're a clone, you know? It's not that they're a clone, you know? It's not that he's a clone. It's not that they've vanished as part of surgery or anything else.

It's just because there's that Ken doll vision. Like, obviously, you have... No, well, like, 17. I'm very old. Yeah, obviously, he has nipples. But they're just... You know sometimes you have those nipples that just kind of seem to blend Into a chest Some sort of combination of size and colour

Your eyes just don't linger on the nipples No, no It's just something Aggressively wholesome But like also It's that like, the kind of wholesome That's sort of problematic You just assume something.

It's too... I'm also enjoying this because we were talking. We were like, oh, these episodes are probably going to be shorter than a standard Rusty Quill gaming episode. And we've taken up multiple minutes talking about Freddy's nipples. We've taken up multiple nipples with Freddy's nipples. Multiple minutes talking about Freddy's nipples. Anyway, yeah, they're all going down into the Helldive.

What? Yeah, so the Helldive is... Oh, it's scary because of the water. Yeah, the water that comes through has been dyed dark, but also there's a cavern entrance, and it's done up like a mouth and got big googly eyes and so as you go on your rubber raft

in, it's very dark and then there's some sparkly stuff in there, it's like fairy light type things going down the center so it's all spooky so the last of the current line have stopped and gone down into the hell dive.

If you can imagine, like, all-American but Blackpool, that's what's wrong. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. There's something very wrong about that mix. So with the description, I just cannot imagine the opening of that slide not looking like the Cookie Monster. Yeah, but, like, slightly run down.

Yeah, no, the thing is, at at the start it looked like a properly scary like demon face yeah but by now it is kind of run down to the point where like it could conceivably be the cookie monster but like if a dragon if mr blobby and the cookie monster had some sort of god-awful offspring okay okay okay this is a light hearted horror adventure let's be careful with the imagery and Americans do not look up Mr Blobby google Mr Blobby

and don't wake, tremble ok so anyway Freddy you notice it's now your break and you notice Liz from the admissions desk just standing off to one side just scrolling her phone Liz, is it your break?

it's just because you know that we're Mr. Cowslip really cares about the attention you pay because of any safety violations it's because there's a well there's a guy there and I think Mr. Cowslip probably wants to know about him

because he said he's from the health board she continues scrolling There's a guy there, and I think Mr. Couch probably wants to know about him. Oh! Because he said he's from the health board. She continues scrolling. Oh, should I talk to him? Have you told Mr. Couch? Yeah, I don't know where he is. Oh, okay, well, I'll go help him find him. Yeah, how about we do that?

All right. You enjoy your break, but then as soon as it's over, you know... Yeah, no, I will. Because the queue is just backing up now. Yeah, no, no, no. It's fine. I'm on it. I'm on it.

Right. Okay. You know, I believe in you. You'll get a gold star this week, I'm sure. I'm sure. Cool. Right. Okay, so over here Freddy comes

into I suppose the entrance area and again it's this kind of just like like shining just

somehow he doesn't oil himself but somehow he's like I mean some people just some people are just they come

they sweat well you know yeah some people sweat well. Yeah, some people sweat well. Excuse me, Freddie has gone up to just a random old man. Excuse me, are you the man that needs to see Mr. Calcifer? I heard that there was... I don't know who that is. An important official man.

Oh, well, Mr. Calcifer is very important. I heard that there was an important... I don't know who that is. An important official man. Oh, well, Mr. Cousfer is very important. I'm going to be... He's a very good boss. My name is Algernon. Hello, Algernon. That's good to know. I'm coming to this park for my joints, you know. Oh, right, that's very good. I would say there's... The doctor recommended sliding down terrifying water slides. Yeah, it's medicinal here.

It's very health-inducing. I will be the judge of how health-inducing it is. I believe you're looking for me. Oh, oh, hello. Oh, no, I didn't do it. Algernon starts to run. Very fast for an old man. Is this what did his joints in?

Fleeing from any official. Oh no, Mr. Algernon, sir, please don't run. There's nothing to be afraid of here. It's too late, I'm very far away now! Running in the water park? I'm running outside, away from the water park. I'm running far away now. Running in the water park. Well, that's a violation. I'm running outside away from the water park. I'm running away from it. Water park is so scary that old men run away from it.

Well, that's a violation. It's not important. I'm not an NPC that will recur. I think you just traumatised him, sir. There's a figure, a four foot eleven figure, lurking in the shadows, clutching a mop, wearing one of those housecoats, floral housecoats. That's the uniform of Miss Pledge. That's amazing.

She's going to pull Freddie to one side. Oh, Miss Pledge, Miss Pledge, can I help you, ma'am? Boy, this is it, right? I think this is your big chance. You see that man there? Oh! Very important man. Oh. He's going to have the power.

The power? Yeah. The power to judge us and this park. And therefore, you and the job you have done so far. This is it, boy. Oh, my. This is time for your graduation. Oh, goodness.

Mr. Cousin said that i might get full time yeah if uh i know i know okay i'm so proud of you baby do you have a button on your shirt and treat that man well no i don't have any buttons on the on the show they just fall off somehow i don't know when i'm like you you're you're none of this is in any way subtle you can hear every word oh i'm looking over my clipboard judgmentally at them yeah right well i'd better go and and and live up to my destiny then uh miss pledge boy i'm behind you every step of the way you leave that shirt with me later and i'll put some buttons on it for you, okay? I mean, I do put buttons on, but they just fall off. I don't know.

I know, boy. I sweep them up daily. Just popping off as you're eating a cereal. The world just objects. But anyway, Freddy's used to being tall. I'm guessing there's just that entertaining air of how Gavin Crumble is actually taller than

him but still somehow i assume it feels like he's looking up at him and it's irritating i don't know yeah no i'm like i'm definitely taller but but i am definitely not as heavy chunky musks muskles muskles uh it's from all those picking stuff up and putting them down, which I do in different places, different ways. Anyway. Hello, Mr. Sir, Mr. Could I help you at all today?

Showing you around our lovely facilities. Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Getting one of the lower level staff to show me around means that there's going to be less shenanigans. I actually work getting one of the lower level staff to show me around means that there's going to be uh i actually work on uh one of the highest of our rides uh yes that that's not what i meant but uh sure uh yes if you could start the uh the tour right now i'll be very good all right i believe in you boy cut to a nearby balcony where thin fingers are clutched around binoculars

that trace the path of Gavin Crumble, Freddie and Miss Pledge as they enter the park. Is Miss Pledge part of the group or is she following behind, just glowing with pride? Trying to be inconspicuous because she thinks she still hasn't been noticed by um gavin crumble so gavin do you have a specific place that you want to start with or are you just happy to let freddie show you i i would imagine because surprise surprise i don't actually know how swimming pools keep their water not disgusting but i think there's probably a big room full of machines with regulators and readouts and stuff because people need to know this kind of stuff so i want to go there oh you want to go to the chemical rooms yes yes sir uh we can show you around the back we've

actually got uh several hub sites which we clean uh the water uh the water for the the hell rut hellfall is done separately because that has to have the dye added. You don't want the other water to get dark because that would be spooky. You don't want the little kids to be spooked out when they're going around Splashy Splashland or Fluttery Bye-Bys.

Yes, and of course having opaque water means that it's very hard to see if somebody's in distress, which is again a mark. Right, well, yes, let's have a look at that hell ride water. Fluttery Bye-Bys. You pass Fluttery Bye-Bys, which is for children only. Yeah. And it's largely because children are light enough that rather than going into the water,

it just sort of flings them out over this huge pool and like it's meant to be that you can sort of flap your wings like a butterfly but actually there's just children like tumbling through the air before uh landing in the water they've got um the the little rubber rings there and have little colorful oh wings so it's very pretty but it is the thing is the fluttery things don't actually work as designed. They don't flap. What they do is change the airflow, so the children just spin around gyroscopically. Lots of screaming. Lots of beautiful photos.

Yeah, but the kids love it, probably. Yeah. Mr. Couser hasn't really checked. So as we go past, there's the screams of delight. You'll hear we've got lots of safety uh around the park just overflowing with safety but not overflowing uh staying in uh controlled flow safety there's always a fluttery boat and then we've got uh we've got the spinning top which uh you'll see is for the younger teens and the log flume uh which is a very slow it there's no fluming going on at all really there's no actual log it's the log flume it's just

a it's just a slide it's just a very it's a very slow slide it's the sort of one where you find it that people find themselves like pushing themselves along it's advertised as a log flume because people love log flumes yeah it's not actually a log flume because people love log flumes, but it's not actually a log flume. That's for the more delicate of constitution. It goes slowly and gently. You can actually, if you want to speed it up, walk along. So you arrive at the metal door that leads down the stairs into the pump room.

So this is the... It says on the front, caution, keep out pumps. Is it... We're not approaching twilight, are we? It's still quite light. Oh, it's mid-afternoon. It's mid-afternoon. Yeah.

I'm guessing this is around the back of the flume, and so it's so kind of shaded there's trees planted around because we don't want this sort of thing to to stand out too much anyone who's played planet zoo knows that we need to keep the people away from the equipment room or they get sad so it says keep out but that is for the public obviously i uh freddy waves uh his id uh it's a picture of him. It looks like it was taken earlier this morning, like he's wearing the exact same stuff.

He's exactly as oiled. His hair's going in the same direction. It's quite spooky. Yeah, I will just swipe. Swipes. The mechanical lock does not react. Oh, um. Here, boy, boy. Use my pass. Give me one second. I think i have decided that um

miss pledge believes she's invisible to people she doesn't want to see her so she thinks you can still take the credit for all of this yeah here we go you'll never know oh thank you uh freddie come and and shows the pass again but not currently in a way that... It is a mechanical lock. It is like both you and Ms. Pledge have keys. Oh, okay. Oh, right. Freddy is panicking, I suppose, and so he's not realising.

Right. Can I roll himbo to just assume that whacking it with... Whacking a mechanical lock with a pass actually makes it work. Yeah, do it. Do it. Sure, you need a six. I need a six. Cool.

Oh, Freddy did not roll high. Freddy rolled a three. You're just sort of waving the pass in front of it when a thin voice comes from behind you. Do you need some help there, Freddy? Oh, Mr. Calcifer? Yeah. Oh, um, I, I, thank you so much, sir.

You always know when I need help. Yes, such a good boss, Mr. Crumble. His thin hand sort of reaches past you and unlocks the door and opens it. I'm sorry, we probably haven't been introduced. I'm Freddy. No, yes, I know. I'm sorry, we probably haven't been introduced. I'm Freddy. No. Yes, I know. Hello, Freddy.

And hello, Mr. Rumble, was it? Yes. Are you the owner of this fine establishment? Oh, that's how he says yes sometimes. Yes. Yes. As much as one can own water and what lurks within it. I was more talking about the equipment that holds the water and the...

Oh, yes, I do own the equipment and technically the land. Good. Yes. You are making a report to your superiors? Yes. On the safety your superiors? Yes. On the safety of the park? Yes. Hmm.

Now, if you don't mind, this fine young gentleman is showing me around. Excellent, excellent. I just... Yes, good, good, good. You take as much time as you need. I will. Just make sure that you spend plenty of time looking into the Helldive. I think you'll find it most enlightening.

The Helldive is the deep part of the Hellfall. It's the scariest bit. Right. Deep, opaque water. The Hellfall. Dreadfully sorry. I always get the name confused. Yeah.

Enjoy yourself, Mr. Crumble. I will not. And he sort of... It is sort of walking, but he sort of glides away. Oh, that was him being particularly friendly, Mr Crumble. You're very honoured. I've not had that many long conversations with Mr Cowspirit. He's a very busy man.

So I'll show you through this door then. And the weirdly long staircase going down into the earth towards the pump room falls away in front of you. As in, like it stretches. Right, yeah, because I was a little like that quite early in the day. It stretches away in front of you. And I'm probably going to call it there for this episode before we descend into the pump rooms that are probably definitely fine. Yeah, that would be totally normal. Yeah, absolutely. episode before we descend into the pump rooms that are probably definitely fine yeah that'll be totally normal yeah yeah absolutely just a lovely day at a lovely water park slide world

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