The Magnus Archives - Magnus Bloopers Special

Episode Date: January 9, 2020

Things don't always run smoothly at Rusty Towers...Thanks to this week's Patrons: Mal Ossowicki, Nikki H, Hayden J, Marcela 'hi mom' Garcia, Oren Benshabat, Ida, Adrian Mercer-Garber, Sammy, Han Mallek, Caroline Rivard, Mammon, Lauren Rowlands, charlie laurel, Brie, Rachel Penabade, Carrie Coada, 2impostors, Elias Soper, Casey Rae, Armando DiCiannoIf you would like to join them, be sure to visit www.patreon.com/rustyquillEdited this week by Elizabeth Moffatt & Alexander J Newall.Content warning:SwearingComedic stereotypingCheck out our merchandise at https://www.redbubble.com/people/rustyquill/collections/708982-the-magnus-archives-s1You can subscribe to this podcast using your podcast software of choice, or by visiting www.rustyquill.com/subscribePlease rate and review on your software of choice, it really helps us to spread the podcast to new listeners, so share the fear.Join our community:WEBSITE: rustyquill.comFACEBOOK: facebook.com/therustyquillTWITTER: @therustyquillREDDIT: reddit.com/r/RustyQuillEMAIL: [e-mail] Magnus Archives is a podcast distributed by Rusty Quill Ltd. and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial Sharealike 4.0 International Licence Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first radio ad you can smell. The new Cinnabon pull-apart only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply. Hi everyone, Alex here. I'd just like to take a moment to thank some of our patrons. Thank you all. We really appreciate your support. If you'd like to join them, go to www.patreon.com forward slash rustyquill and take a look at a time. This is how we're going to put the musical together. I'm just angry alright I'll just ask them to pick up a selection

great cut to Breakin' and Hope in the nearest booth All right, I'll just ask them to pick up a selection. Great. Cut to Breakin' and Hope in the nearest booth. Select you or Olay with five essential oils will probably do the trick. What do you think, Hope? I'm going to ask what the star gift is this month. Not a bad shout. That'll get me enough club card points.

I'm going to get a bottle of Eden's shoulders, because I found one on the road the other day. We do pick up odd roadkill, don't we? But man's got to eat. The easily digestible sort that wipe away doubt and fear and neatly organise your new world into happy little doorbells. Doorbell! Who's here at twelve?

Fifty minutes early! The worker of clay had labelled for decades on that... Third. Labelled, did I say again? With his label maker of doom. God, I'm knackered, I've been doing all of this labelling. Water break. Delicious water.

I mean, you're still listening to me drink water, so it's not that much less disgusting. The problem is that you're human. Yeah, I know, and humans are gross. Just set that aside. Gross meat sacks. We're all disgusting meat sacks. Sorry, I forgot how glorious and chrome you are, Alex.

That's not right. Now it's just a matter of narrowing down the specifics of... I went to Egypt once with the Royal Society, to the Temple of Ramses II in... That's going to start that thing, I'm afraid. Abu Dhabi. You can lean. Here's the thing. You can lean as long as you stay leaning.

It's when you do this. Johnny does this all the time. And it's just like, that's... You just get a bump. Fuck you, Johnny. Right, should we try this? God, he drags the rest of us down. I know.

Like, if you remove him from the manga archive, what you're left with is a glorious Mrs. Brown's Boys clone. But he was like, no, let's make it a horror. War wanker. War wanker. Right. Careful of enunciation. Okay.

You went a bit London on me. You dropped a few Ts and so on. It's never happened in the whole of my life. I'm quite excited. Goodness. You've been here 15 years. This is great. Will she be coming back? Nah!

Leave that. You're having a laugh, ain't you? Thought you might like who I am! You're bleeding blimey, governor. Can we just telegraph that to the audience as well? A version that's just almost over the top. Push it. You don't quite want to...

But that sort of thing. Well, me neither. But here we are. So my proposal for you is this. Either kill me or fuck off. No, he did not! I swear! Tim! I might be

an Eldritch monster, but that is unacceptable. In Eldritch horror lore, this is not part of the process that we go through. We aren't here effing and chefing like a common street harlot! This is the Institute, damn it! We have decorum!

You'll say blimey and you'll be glad of it! Maybe a darn if you're feeling lucky! We're all secretly allergic to you, Alex. It's just some of us forget to take our deistamines. I hate Johnny. I hate that he's written every single word I can't pronounce in a single statement.

I hated the cufflinks. What? Fucking cufflinks. The dress uniforms as they gave out the medals and it's like, why? I like my cuffs flapping. They were a gift from Mr. Spider. Fucking novelty cufflinks.

Just brings down the tone. I like to think that Peter's gone off kayaking with Tim now. Yeah. I also weirdly think Peter's an amazing dad to Tim. Yeah, but the thing is, it's kind of awkward because Peter would much rather be kayaking alone. Yeah, but Tim was so oblivious, he would be there forever and never realise.

Just accidentally nurturing. Just, hey Peter, you wanna go do this? Yes, of course. Yes. I'm going antiquing. Sounds fun! I'm not interrupting your book, am I? Peter Lucas is the dad that doesn't like the sun, but still pays for college, all of the

clubs, drove him to every single thing, and objectively was actually quite good to be around. What am I doing? Okay, you're all good, you're all good. Just to record. Oh, sorry, Peter. I think I deviared over that documentary you wanted. Oh, it was the trains one.

I know you like that. I think that works. That's one, five, 4 is complete. There's two fucks in it. That's our quota for season 4. And maybe season 5. This episode is distributed by Rusty Quill and licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution

non-commercial share-alike 4.0 international license. For more information, visit rustyquill.com, tweet us at TheRustyQuill, visit us on Facebook, or email us at mail at rustyquill.com. Thanks for listening. Hello, it's Kareem, the voice of Simon Fairchild, Thanks for listening. Audible is the leader in audiobooks, so you'll always find the best and freshest selection of mysteries and thrillers to choose from. Sometimes you just want to get lost in a classic whodunit, and sometimes you want to get wrapped up in a twisted new mystery where the tension is high and you just can't stop listening until you find out what happens next.

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The new Cinnabon Pull Apart, only at Wendy's. It's ooey, gooey, and just five bucks for the small coffee all day long. Taxes extra at participating Wendy's until May 5th. Terms and conditions apply.