The Matan Show - Ari Shaffir & Matan Rank The 5 Worst Comedians

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Hello everybody and welcome back to the podcast. For today's guest we have Ari Shafir. Welcome in. Thanks. And then you come sit in the middle, right here. Yeah, now you sit right here. Okay. And as today's co-host we have Mike as usual. Welcome in, Mike. What's gonna happen with... What's gonna happen with this? Is this a problem for like legal reasons?

Well, which one? It's like got the name of the... Oh, can I check it out? Yeah. Um, what's... so please just pull down, Mike, real close to you. Just introduce yourself and all that. Oh can I check it out? Yeah So please just pull down mic real close to you Just introduce yourself and all that Oh that's it Hey

How you doing? I should have drank more of that That was on me Just in case anybody doesn't know you Just introduce yourself My name is Ari Shafir I'm an Ashkenazi Jew Hailing from Phtikva originally

And now Here in New York City where there's more Jews And Why'd you introduce the main thing as Jewish? I'm a comedian Just came to mind That's the first thing? Yeah, it wasn't thought out

It's actually the first time I've ever done that Really? Yeah, I've never mentioned Perhtikva on a podcast before What's that? Perhtikva's a city near Tel Aviv You were born in israel no but that's where my people are from originally but i guess more originally romania okay and so what's up with the the hair thing because i didn't know that you were going to

look real funny what's up with yours well mine this is how i always look it's always looking funny but yours is really interesting today yeah well i think because um there we go yeah i'm just having fun with it for the summer. Are you going out like this? People have been looking at you for me. Yeah, you know who likes it more than anybody? Which group? Homeless.

Specifically? Black. Black homeless. Why do they like it? Are they laughing at you? No, they're into it. Men or the women usually? black homeless men well they're not into it like uh like that they're into it like look at this guy you know what i mean no no they come up they give me compliments yeah but behind your back no no they come out of their way the home the white homeless

men maybe yeah ask you for quarters no they don't even ask for anything what did they say yo that's fresh son they say that for anything. What do they say? Yo, that's fresh, son. They say that? Yeah. And then, you know, they say after? They call you the N-word. They what? What? They call you the N-word. That's not the proper usage.

You want me to say it? No. If they're calling it to me, that's not the proper usage. What's the proper usage? Either, like, a homie. No, they don't call you a homie because you call them a homie. No, I'm saying either it's like you use it in place of a homie or a slur. But not for this.

No, they're like, yo, look at that stupid N-word over there. He's a fucking moron, ain't he? Look at his head. Should we give him a quarter? The homeless guys are going to give me a quarter? They might think that you need it more than them. I don't think that's going to happen. You don't think so?

They're pretty territorial. Can you turn your head this way? Because I only see the bald part, but they're probably seeing the normal part. Like that. Okay. It looks interesting. Yeah. See, now it's like normal.

So now they see, hold on. Now they see this. This is like a whole different thing. On stage, it's like this way, this way. Okay. I can do it for another couple weeks. Did you perhaps like burn it off, or that was purpose this is balding up here no but why did you do this was it you burned it off or something a fire just fun no no no no no can you shoot that

in mike's face yeah which one's mike he's all that's mike mike but shoot it over there in mike's face what do you mean the bike With the glasses or this guy chilling No glasses put that straight in his face Nah I don't I don't know I want him to look like you later Okay how do you turn this off I'm just gonna explode buddy

Right in Mike's face This one doesn't fuck it wild one huh what did he do oh no he's just chillin no what'd he do though he's like a homie as you said earlier okay well I said it's in the place or something else you want to turn it off yeah I'd love to how to figure it on no it's okay you don't want in your face no no okay too much too much too much sometimes i don't know my limits it's not that it's just like my skin is allergic to you know high level flames oh why is that just breaks out and boils and stuff like a usual person or yeah like a usual person okay because some people say they're like the...

They're more so? The Jewish people have like those rashes and they're always sick in the winter. You mean like the ovens in the Holocaust? I wasn't referring

to that specifically, but that was a little implied. Yeah. Yeah, then they're also allergic to it. But again, like everybody, they're just more exposed. It's exposure.

But I don't know if that melted them directly. I think that might have been. Did that melt their skin or no? Good question. Look that up. Did that turn them to ashes? I don't know how it worked.

I think. I don't really know how it worked. Or were they already dead and then they put them. I'm not able to ask him. No. They're really looking to get up? Just burn, no melt. How are you enjoying New York so far?

Oh, it's pretty good. This is my first time here. Really? Yeah, I've never been here before. What have you been up to? What have you been doing? Not much. I've been just getting the podcast ready, but I've been trying to...

Can I just borrow that? No. I won't touch it. I just want to slap this guy. You want to slap him? Yeah, with like a little notepad. I'll allow you. Do you have another little notepad I can use?

Yeah, I do. But it's for a different guest who's coming in in a couple hours. But one that's not filled out. Oh, no. I just want the texture of it. They're all filled out. Here. Here.

Wait, so what have you been doing in New York? Oh, I don't know. I forgot what I was saying. I was trying to get one of those guys because I had like – Which guys? I've had a homeless guy on here before, so I like doing podcasts with homeless people, but none of them would interact with me so far too. You got to give them money, bro.

They ask for money, but they don't even take it when you offer. One guy asked me for money. I tried giving it to him. I said, I'll give you 50 more for a podcast. He said, then I want shoes. No, that never happened. They keep going. No, that didn't happen. I tried giving it to him. I said, I'll give you 50 more for a podcast. He said, then I want shoes. I said, I want shoes. No, that never happened. They keep going.

No, they keep going. Bullshit. Exactly. You used 50 bucks and he wouldn't take that? He wouldn't take it. Do you know what a windfall that is for a homeless guy? Well, he doesn't understand that. But let's move on.

Yeah, the business sense is not there. Do you think you've stolen more or less money than the average Jewish throughout your life? Money or things? Money. Money. That's typically the one. More or less money than the average Jewish?

Less. Less. Less. I'm trying to think how much money I've taken. I mostly steal goods. Like what? Things. Like small things to think how much money I've taken. I mostly steal goods. Like what? Things.

Like small things? Like this? If I wanted that? I wouldn't be paying for it. But you would pay for a TV or something? Yeah, that's how you're going to take that out. If you see an angle on it. If you could get one for free, you would take it though. Yeah.

Okay, we have a little game show. We don't really do game shows that often, but it's... Okay. You know, like Name the Prize. What episode number? What number episode is this for you? How long have you been going on here? About a year now.

I think maybe this is like 40, 50, something like that. Un año for the Spanish people. What do you want it? Un año. What does that mean? One year. Huh? For the Spanish listeners.

Oh, no, it's okay. Don't even interact with those guys. But I'm going to listen. I'm going to name five comedians in your circle, okay? Okay. Like all of the people. I'm interested to see. I'm going to name five comedians in your circle, okay? Okay. Like all of the people. I'm interested to see what my circle is. Yeah.

And then you're going to have to tell me who's the odd one out and why, okay? Okay. And why. Okay. Okay. So I'm going to name the five comedians in your circle. Hold on. Before you even do this.

Who's the odd one out? Sometimes I have trouble with memory. Can I write these down as you go so I can glance at it again? I think you'll figure it out quickly. Okay. Okay. Ari Shafir. Yeah.

Joey Diaz. Yeah. Mark Norman. Yeah. Joey Diaz. Yeah. Mark Normand. Yeah. Shane Gillis. Yeah. Brendan Schwab. Brendan Schwab.

Who doesn't fit in there and why? Say them again. Okay. Let's try again. Ari Shaffir. Joey Diaz. Mark Normand. Shane Gillis.

Brendan Schwab. I'm the only bald one. Nope. You have hair. What? That's not. No, you're wrong. Don't try to act like you don't know what's the answer here because we all know it and so does everybody one. Nope, you have hair. What? That's not, no, you're wrong. But balding.

Don't try to act like you don't know what's the answer here, because we all know it, and so does everybody else. Oh, really? Oh. No. Well, you got all these, one more time. Here, let's try to eliminate them slowly. Okay. You think it's a-

Wait, wait, odd man out, but you're saying there's a group. Which one doesn't fit? Yes. For what reason? No, but I have a specific reason. Buddy, remember the SATs? Well, you could just go, you could say everybody doesn't fit for their own reason you could right that's the that's the game no it's not the game i was thinking who's the fattest but you got shane and

joey for that okay so do you know they're not out baldest only one are you allowed to say the reason we're both thinking right now or no am i what allowed to say it i'm allowed to say whatever i want i'm the free american okay so who is it and why? Because I know like every time you go, you're like stumbling, who is it?

You know who it is. Come on. Well, here's what I generally do. I don't take like hacky answers for things that have been done like

20,000 times. So I try to think like a unique angle on everything. No, who is it? I try to think of a unique angle. It's hacky,

but nobody asks it to them in the face. Everybody asks it all the time. They ask you about it? It was done like two years ago. Oh, really? Yeah.

So we both are thinking the same thing, though. Yeah, I'm the bald one. No. And I'm going balder, and I don't like it. I'm talking to a guy in Turkey. I'll give you a hint.

I'm seeing if I can get it through. I'll give you a hint. It's not Ari Shafir, Joey Diaz, Mark Norman, or Shane Gillis. Okay, that's the other one, I guess. Who is the other one?

I don't know. Are you even allowed to say his name? Why is the other man out? Why is the other the other one? I don't know. Are you even allowed to say his name? Why is the odd man out? Why do you think the odd man out? You tell me, man. I don't want to get sued. Oh, it's like, who's the most litigious?

That's kind of included in there. It's an attributor. Yeah. Attributor. Yeah. What do you think? What do you think? Who's litigious?

Who's the most litigious out of those five? I should have sued people. He's got you beat Andrew Jewish. Andrew Jewish. That's a good name. Andrew Jewish? Yeah. No.

I said and you're Jewish. I know, but I like Andrew Jewish. Yeah. What did this guy do? He made a video about Brandon Schwab. Oh, yeah? And he didn't have the money to pay him back, so now he has to be like that. Just as like a little shame thing.

Yeah. You want to move on? We can do whatever you want. I like to roll with stuff. Do you look down on those who aren't Jewish and think you're better because of it? No, I don't. Okay. So I don't think it's because of that. You think you're better because of it? No, I don't. Okay, so I don't think it's because of that.

You think you're better but not because you're Jewish. Right. But some Jewish people, I was talking to them. It's like indirectly. I'm more educated. Like, why are we more educated?

Oh, because Jews fucking educate their children. But that's not, it's indirect. But it's an attribute. The reasons you think you're better are because they are factored in

that you're Jewish. Like, it's all, I'm not asking that. I'm saying like the other day I talked to a rabbi. Congratulations. He told me that, well, it was on the podcast. He told me that he thinks that the Jews are the chosen people. Yeah.

Who chose them? He said God. Do you believe this? It's not a bad guy to be chosen by. It's not a bad guy to be chosen by. Do you believe it? No, I don't believe that. Oh, no, you don't believe it?

No. But he wouldn't make the point that you're a self-hating Jewish. That's what he told me. He told you that about me? No, he said that about me because I said I don't think I'm chosen because of it. I think it's for other reasons. Yeah, right. You're chosen for other reasons.

Yeah, but he said it's because I'm Jewish. But can't it also be another reason? No. Let's say you were chosen for like a road scholarship road scholarship yeah what's the road like getting accepted into a school well yeah road scholar is like he doesn't mean chosen for a specific attribute specific thing he means chosen as a human he's saying he valued me more because i'm jewish than a non-jew really that was the implication yes even though you're a self-hating one well that's what he called me you're jewish yeah my tongue's like a hebrew name it is hebrew yeah what does it mean

hold on let me see if i can remember i don't remember gift that's what it means yes is that real yeah that's what i mean oh i pulled that back you speak it i thought i guess yeah that's self-hating you should be like you want to see self-hating i'll show's self-hating. You should be like, you want to see self-hating? I'll show you self-hating. And then taking out one of those whips things that the Christians use. What, on the black people? No, no, on themselves. Different whip.

The Christians whip themselves? Yeah, the smaller whip. When they do something bad? Yeah, they're like, I'm so bad. I'm so bad. I'm a terrible person. That seems like a good way to. Yeah, no one has to deal with it.

How much longer are you going to look like that before you – are you going to – do you think – Short end, later today. Middle end, by the end of the month. So you were just keeping this until you came on this podcast? No, I've had it for a few weeks already. No, but you're saying you're going to get rid of it later today? It's on the table. Okay.

I'm probably not going to. What are you going to do it for? Long end could just be for the next year Because I'm thinking that You know It's balding a little on the top I think I'm not even trying to insult you

So I think it might be difficult You can see it You kind of put yourself At a disadvantage by doing that I don't know if they're going to Come back at all The hair? Yeah

No that's not how it works He's got Well You haven't You haven't insulted them away When you shave your head It's just like It's cut.

Yeah, but why is it then balding in the first place? God? Yeah, well, I'm trying. Because I'm not the chosen people, I guess. He's punishing you. How's my mic? You're self-hating. You're asking how the mic is?

Yeah. You don't think it's working? Well, I'm turning this way, so I wonder. Why are you turning that way? So I can see. You don't want to look at him? Would you let Mike, not this, not this not mike mike just mike over there would you let him crash at your house for a couple days or no this one no not that one that one yeah fat mike there's already a fat mike would you let him

crash at your house for a couple days i would not why not he just needs somewhere to stay for a little bit yeah i would not he can help clean around the house are you in a relationship no but like you live in a house or no no apartment new york how many bedrooms there's a spare bedroom so he could crash at your house he could he won't why not i like my privacy i don't know i'm not good around strangers couple A couple of weeks? Not that long. It's pushing it. Even for like just this come say hi is a lot, to be honest. Just because I don't know what he's up to. Do you think when God made you Jewish and autistic, he was in the middle of double points? What's double points?

From like Black Ops. You know zombies mode in Black Ops? When you shoot the zombies, you get double the points? No, I'm the one who doesn't get the reference. Oh, you know a Call of Duty? A long time ago, yeah. Okay, so there's a mode where you kill zombies? I would not play that mode. I'm just explaining. The coward's mode.

The coward's mode. Play story or like head-to-head. That's fine, but I'm just explaining that sometimes you get double points. Okay, so I'm asking if he was in the middle of double points when he made that rule. Yeah, maybe.

Yeah, maybe he got double, double, double. Yeah. You're on here, buddy. Good. God, I want to beat the shit out of this guy. Hey, guys, sorry for the interruption. I have to let you know that today's episode is sponsored by PrizePix. PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action.

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you play your first $5 lineup That's code MATAN on the PrizePix app to get $50 after you play your first $5 lineup Thank you to PrizePix for sponsoring today's episode PrizePix, run your game. By the way, I forgot to mention,

thanks to PrizePix for sending me that. If you had to choose between saving the lives of all baseball fans and winning... Fans? Fans? All baseball fans? Yeah. Okay, and... If you had to choose... You got me screwing up the question.

If you had to choose... Get out of yourself. If you had to choose between saving the lives of all baseball fans and winning $5 off of a $10 scratcher, which would you pick? $5 over $10. So I've lost. I need more info.

Okay, you go. You buy a scratcher. So I've already bought the scratcher. It's already there. Okay. So I'm already out. No, no, no. If you pick the baseball fans, you don't even buy the scratcher.

I don't buy the scratcher. Yeah, I'm losing $5 on a $10 scratcher. No, you're winning $5.'t even buy the scratcher i don't buy the scratcher yeah i'm losing five dollars on a ten dollar scratcher no you're winning five on a ten dollar scratcher yeah but you get to redeem it for the five dollars you're winning five but i paid him ten but you're walking out of the store with five bucks but i walked in with ten you could use a card yeah either way i'm five dollars poor for the for the for the event in total in the bank it's possible but otherwise all of those guys get to continue. Oh, the fans? Yeah.

I'm not really concerned with them. I want to know, is it like you get your 10 back plus five? No, no, no. If I see what you're asking, in total you lose five. You lose five. Yeah, no, the baseball fans. What if you just win five? So that's a different story.

Which one would you pick? Where all baseball fans die? Yeah. I'm a baseball fan, die. What if you just win five? So that's a different story. Which one would you pick? Yeah, I understand. Where all baseball fans die? Yeah. I'm a baseball fan, though. Oh, you enjoy baseball? Yeah. Does it take me out of it?

No. Ask again? Sure, but then it becomes a suicide question. Yeah, you're out of it. I'm out of it. Then I'll take the baseball fans gone. No, wait, wait. Win five?

I'll win five. That doesn't work. Then they all die. Yeah. And you're still losing $5. Yeah, no, I don't want to lose the $5 I'm just concerned with the $5 I don't know those guys A lot of them are Astros fans

I don't know those guys And a lot of people die Let me rephrase it You win $5 off of a $10 scratcher Or your nose becomes normal looking I'll take the normal looking nose You ever consider getting that fixed up or not yet? Nah

I fuck a lot So it hasn't really gotten in the way The nose? nose normal looking nose yeah you ever consider getting that fixed up or not yet no why not i i fuck a lot so it hasn't really gotten in the way the nose yeah i i don't i have a similar one but yours is just more like uh pointed at the top of it before yeah you don't have the bump there yeah and it's just smaller why do you have that the bump yeah i don't i don't know but well another punishment he was on triple points. Can you cut this out if I tell you something? Okay. That's why I put the diamonds.

The diamonds? Yeah. Right in the nose? Cut back in. And do you live in those tunnels? No, but I've been through them. You've been through them? Yeah.

Just tunnels in New York or the specific tunnels where those Jewish people? The Jewish ones. You know why they're there? I heard that they were abducting black people. Not abducting. Trafficking. Is that one? Underage sex trafficking. That there? I heard that they were abducting people. Not abducting. Trafficking. Is that the one? Underage sex trafficking.

That's what I heard. That actually relates to the next question. Okay. Would you consider having kids with kids? Okay, well, I want to answer honestly for these questions. Yeah. So I got to think about it for a second. I know you probably get a lot of people rapid fire answer, right?

Some people are more difficult. Yeah. So like you can't have a 10-year-old. They're not going to be able to. Some of them can. In the Middle East. 10. In the Middle East.

12. Okay. Well, that's still, you know, that's part of the question. For all intents and purposes. It's besides the point. And then, by the way, whatever jokes or... Not jokes. Whatever questions we don't use on you, we're just going to transfer that to Longneck, who's

coming in later. Who's Longneck? I will figure it out. Okay. But just continue what you're saying. No, I probably wouldn't have a kid with a kid. I have a vasectomy. You did?

Yeah. Why? Do you have any children now? I f*** a lot of, like, 12-year-olds. You like sleeping with 12-year-olds? Yeah, but they're just that age where you're like, if you see the start of a pube, you see the start of a f***ing kid, you see the start of a life.

And that's too far for you. Yeah, I don't want kids. And so when you usually do that, where do you do it? Where are you usually, doctor's office? Above or below the southern border? Above. The vasectomy? No, sleeping with the kids.

Oh. No, whatever, dude. How long do you have whatever dude, no, they're fake. Oh, yeah Don't don't get any ideas by the way fake earrings or fake diamond Fake diamond. I'm just saying don't get any ideas. I won't This is white It's all that's coming that's coming out of the deposit ideas. I won't. This is why. It's okay. That's coming out of the deposit.

Well, we're not. What's the table? Yeah. I'm not bringing these back to Los Angeles anyways. You got that kind of money? You do well. $40? It's a little bit out of the budget, but there's no other options. Yeah. Okay, well, let's move on anyway. What'd this guy do? Huh? I already told you.

He's chilling. He made one of those videos where they, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah. An un-f***ed video. Not exactly, but it was compared and contrasted in court. He actually didn't get to it. Oh, really? Yeah.

Why do you think you've been able to avoid cancellation for so long, regardless of the fact that you had a show called The Amazing Rapist? It was called The Amazing Racist, which honestly isn't that much. Oh, with a C? Yeah, with a C. Oh, I thought it was with the other one. With a P? Yeah. No.

Would you consider doing that as like a follow-up show? Of The Amazing Rapist? Yeah. I mean, yeah. When you say what I consider, it's being considered right now this is the first time you're thinking about it first time i'm thinking about it and of course i got an idea yeah let's hear it no i'm can i just get some of the money yes how much if i do it i it's my idea i think i should be accredited a little bit a percentage not an amount percentage

yeah yeah but like how much like uh 12%? I was thinking 10, but yeah, if you hit me straight away with 12%, I'd be like, yeah. 12 words? Yeah. Okay. You sure you don't want to get mic'd with that for sure? It's not for sure, but I don't. If you change your mind, you'll let me know? Yeah.

Okay. I don't want to fuck up another table. Huh? I don't want to fuck up another table. No, that's't want to fuck up another table. No, that's not a problem. The table's still usable. It's just... Nah, but it's... Yeah. No, don't.

Buddy. Huh? Don't hurt yourself. No, it's not hot. It was. Would you rather instantly age 20 years or be reborn as a baby in Germany during the 1940s? Same parents? Sure.

Same family members. Age 20 years, I'm gone. How old are you now? In the 40s, I got a chance at 47 or beyond. I'll take that. No, you're not that type of the 40s. Like a little bit lower? Oh, yeah.

42. Little Jackie Robinson. Oh, yeah. 42. The little Jackie Robinson. Yeah, sure. I'm not going far on that. I got a chance if they give me away to one of those Christian families. They would take you? But it seems like your main identity is being Jewish. Nah.

That's like the main character trait, no? No. Which one is he then? New Yorker. Yeah, but that's the same thing. Yeah, it is. You is it then new yorker yeah but that's you know it's the same thing yeah it is you don't act like a new york black person i don't that's fresh son yeah well that's not even a good impression yo that's hold on i can do it better yo that's fresh son get rid of son replace it with a different word then you might sound a little more accurate

but that's what they told me it was fresh that word that's just that's super jewish well they might actually say that but that's besides the point you want me to say it to you i'm saying that's what they would say to you no i don't need you to say it okay can if you want though it's a free country free speech above all this is a two two questions yeah they're both about being jewish again okay We have a lot of those. Yeah, I never stopped. Yeah. Why do you think most Jewish people secretly have the urge to take control of the government

and steal as much money as possible? I think it's universal to want that. We're the only ones capable of that. No, they want it more than the other ones don't. I think it's on the horizon. I don't think Asian people care as much about it as others. It's like saying poor people want steak. Yeah, but they're not even thinking about it. But rich guys are like, I'm thinking about steak. Oh, you're saying that they just don't have the opportunity for it? Right, so they don't think Asian people care as much about it as others. It's like saying, do poor people want steak? Like, yeah, but they're not even thinking about it.

But rich guys, like, I'm thinking about steak. Oh, you're saying that they just don't have the opportunity for it? Right, so they don't think about it. Okay, why do you think some Jewish babies are born with small red horns popping out of their head? I don't, I'm not sure that's, I'm not sure that's, that's a done thing. It's like when babies have different color eyes, they change. And some Jewish babies have little, little things that go away. Like Australian shepherds what about them

different color eyes one blue yeah but what i'm saying that some people are born with like blue eyes and they turn green yeah yeah but jews are born with small horns when we shave them down for them not all of them not i i was born with brown eyes i still have brown eyes but i know something you grow your hair big to cover up your horns? No, they go away. At what age? I think. 21. 50, 60?

50, 60? No. Then how's yours going away? I just never had them. You just can't see up there. We can touch. See, they would. No, no, no, not you.

Well, that's the we. Who am I in the we? We can touch. Like me and Mike. Mike, touch him. He's just chilling. How you doing, Mike? Who do you want to speak? Mike or Mike Mike?

Scott, what did he do, though? We don't have to go over that again. Come on. You don't want the answer to that question. If you care so much about minorities, why don't you give them all your money? I don't care about minorities. You made a show called The Amazing Racist. Yeah. So you care about them a little, at least.

It wasn't an outreach show. No, I understand, but you have some care put into it. Yeah, for me and the filming. Oh, you're only concerned with you. It's like saying, do you have care for this table because you put a table in your show no really no not really okay so let me ask you when you were filming it you messed with all the different people yeah you did jewish black asian mexican there's gotta be something else so arab you did arab muslim whatever okay and who when you were doing, which one were you the most scared by? I imagine you weren't really intimidated with the Jewish.

No. Oh, least scared by far. I saw a clip of it. You went to the store. Black, black. You were most scared with the black people? Yeah. What'd you do to them?

A lot of different stuff. Give me any examples? You looked proud when you said that. Like, I fucking got him like yeah it was a good it was a good show we had some good ones but what which was the you but those were the best episodes on the african-americans no that's the most scared i was and why were you latinos people like that one a lot latinos liked when you were messing with the black people no people like the one i did about latinos what'd you do? I picked a bunch of bunch of drove into an INS. I said,

fix my deck and then the INS? Immigration and Naturalization Services. Like ICE? ICE. Yeah, like it. Different but like- Is that only for like the West Coast? INS? Yeah. ICE is, I don't know. This guy's got issues.

Who? What he do? Skinny Mike. Skinny Mike? Yeah. No, What'd he do? Skinny Mike. Skinny Mike? Yeah. No, just Mike Mike. Oh, Mike Mike. Double.

Yeah. And let me ask you a question. Okay. How's the weather today? How's the weather? Yeah. It's okay. Nice.

Moving on. Where do you get your ideas from? Another classic. Yeah. They just kind of come to me Chosen people Chosen people You got these little I have hair here

No it's not true Little wispy ones I didn't notice it Until you turned Turn that way I've been like this The whole time I know

But then you turn For a second To read your Secret Go like this Little wispy ones No it's not true Yeah it's true

No it's not true No it's not You gonna zoom in on that No no Yeah answer the question what's the question where do you get your ideas from they come to me they just pop up yeah from day-to-day life oh so you get your jokes like you see something funny happen yeah like anvil's falling and i'm like that'd be funny i'll talk about anvil falling yeah like a metal thing from minecraft yeah like that okay if all they hit somebody they go birds but where would you have seen that are you talking like metaphorically or on the street you

saw that happen to somebody it happens sometimes it happens sometimes i'm getting tired of this let's move on let's move on where do you get your Oh, no. I don't have to answer. I'm the producer here. Where do you get your ideas from, Mike Mike? Hey, Mike Mike. Hey, Mike Mike. Can I smoke a cigarette in here? Yeah. Okay.

Keep that under advisement. Oh, you're not gonna? Nah, not yet. Okay. I don't know if I can. I don't know my options. You can't, by the way. I was gonna take it from you.

I just wanted to get it. That's why I was hoping you would take it out. Ah. Well, this actually isn't my studio. I just wanted to take it. Like stealing? Yeah. Like we discussed earlier?

Yeah. Well, yeah. That's just vandalism, though. Matan Yeah What do your parents do for a living? Oh nothing Cool

They're just children Yeah But he's not my parent But like that? Not like that But in a similar manner Prison? Prison?

One of them Damn that sucks Yeah Were they gone when you were growing up? No, I had to work on it It was like a tough process But I got her in there Nice

Oh, the mom, the chick Yeah, my mom is in prison Damn nice Yeah Your parents are still with you or no? Yeah, still with us Any of them? I'm not asking if they're still alive

I'm asking are they still with you Or are they in jail? No, they're still with us They're still with us. Any of them? I'm not asking if they're still alive. I'm asking are they still with you or are they in jail? No, they're still with us. They're still with you like that? Yeah. Okay. Hey, guys. Sorry for the interruption.

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and use code matan m a t a n to get 20 off your order if you weren't a comedian do you think any company would be willing to hire someone who looks like you no and do you think that's not true i used to do a lot of commercials but hr person i played hr person really well not now but back then when i had more hair. When I had hair like this. What type of HR? Human resources. Just like a company.

When somebody complains about racism or misogynist? They didn't do the backstories, but that definitely... Were you actually an HR person or just on ads? No, on ads, yeah. And you were doing this at the same... Scientists. Anything I wear a knit brown tie. A brown tie?

Yeah, knit brown. Knit? Knit. Knit. K-N-I-T. Oh, I thought you were saying you're trying to sneak it in there. No, no, uh-uh. You can say it if you want to say it. I want to. I know.

It's a fun word. Do you say it off camera? So much. Yeah, me too. Yeah. I won't do it on camera, though. People really try to get me, like, I get black guests on here, and they're trying to get me to do it, but I won't do it. Oh, tell them not to act like oh fuck you almost got me see what i mean

yeah so it gets you it's really close it rolls it rolls off the tongue come they get it and the fact that i i didn't used to enslave you that was other people so i should be able to i don't even care if it was me listen i won't say it on camera but the fact that i'm comfortable using it in public like walking in new york like some guy gets in my way, you know, I say it. It makes it harder not to say on camera. It's not something I just say around my buddies. It's something that's just part of my language. Yeah, I yelled the F word at my friend publicly because I said it too much privately.

Fuck? Yeah, sort of. Or the other one? The other one. And you're not allowed to say that word anymore? No, it was gay pride day, poo. It was bad at a barcade. So you're not allowed to say f*** on gay pride day? No, it was gay pride day, poo. It was bad at a barcade. So you're not allowed

to say f*** on gay pride day? No, exactly. Why not? You really, you're not supposed to say it any day. Yeah, but the gay people

are... They don't use it the way black people use it. You know what the thing is though? You know why it's an issue for them more than the black people now? Hold on, hold on.

Why? The black people said to take control of the word. Did gays need to? They haven't at all. The queer, they took that. Dyke, they did. The girls did dyke pretty well.

What does dyke mean? It's for the female gay? Yeah, female gay. But they're like, they lean into it. So they took it back. Yeah, well, I don't know. I don't really hear that often. I guess they kind of won then if I don't hear it often.

You don't go to their clubs. No, I don't. Yeah. Well, it's probably true. You would fit in there, actually. I look like a gay woman? You look a little dyke. Yeah, for sure. their clubs no i don't yeah well it's probably true you would fit in there actually you look like i look like a little dyke yeah yeah for sure is that funny yeah that's that's funny that's the best thing this whole podcast

you do really well you would do really well to call the hung jury. The hung jury from, oh, the gun from what, Destiny? Dude, they would love you. They'd move you in right away. Bring your toothbrush, they'd say. Hey, Matani, hey, Matani, you little fucking dyke. They'd say, hey, come move in. I got a spare toothbrush. Read this

Did you check it out yet or no? Not yet Check it out It's gonna say you're That's a good one Buddy it's I'm gonna travel reading this Practicing stores

You can't read my writing? It's hard. Okay, go word by word. Practicing. Practice. Practice. Practice. Practicing.

Practicing. Practicing. Stop. Stand. Stand up. You know the next word. Lonos? Lonos?

No, not exactly. Carlos? Carlos. Carlos, what's the next one? You don't even need to read the next one. I do, but it's not spelled Merzia. I didn't spell it Merzia. It looks like Merzia.

It looks like M-E-R-Z-I-A. That's a C. And that's an N? You just don't go down with your N's? No, I have all the words connected. I write in like a cursive but not in cursive. Oh, well. What's the end? Or water? Who do you think is the most evil person

to ever exist? This landlord I had on 11th and B. Oh, I actually have a question about that. What do you think is the appropriate way- You have a question about my landlord on 11th and B? Not exactly that, but that type of question. What do you think we should,

do you think an appropriate way to handle someone raising your rent is to just start sleeping outside of the house? No, how's that to combat the problem? Because then... Now you have no home and you're paying higher rent. But who's going to want to move into that house? Oh, okay. We've all thought about doing something to the entire apartment building to hurt them.

Oh, I don't live in an apartment. I'm saying if you lived in a house. What do you got? I live in a house. Your parents or your own? My own, but it's in Los Angeles, so it's probably less expensive than your apartment. Yeah, probably. But I'm just saying if you lived in a house.

Then what was the question? The apartment. It just wouldn't really work for apartments. First of all, this attitude is not going to work at the fucking lesbian bars. Yeah, fuck you. That's the attitude. Punk ass Jewish bitch. Yeah, that's it.

That's what you, yeah. They want a tough. You know that I was in a little tough, like, compensating for your little beautiful, beautiful girlish looks. Fucking punk ass. Little d***. Little dyke-y matan. What's the answer? Little matan the dyke.

What was the question? What was the question again? Should I sleep outside? If it's inappropriate, do you think that would be, like, effective or no? No,

I think it would be ineffective. There's so many people already sleeping outside. No, but outside of the house, not like, I know, there's so many people

sleeping outside. Right on the door. Oh, it's a house oh i get it i'm thinking suburbs not where i currently live no and like a reasonable one-story house that you could just sleep right inside of the front door so if they're showing it to someone to try to get a new uh tenant yeah you can just chill right there you know what i mean yeah i mean yeah i don't think it's gonna do what needed to be done why not burn it down do something to it yeah but then you don't get to move back in the house you think you're gonna in your plan i'll just say you can make as much money as you did last month you just can't raise the rent and then if that doesn't work you just hire a homeless guy

to pee on it and then nobody's gonna want to live in a place that smells like that. And yet, L.A. is still thriving. Oh, that's true, actually. That's true. Yeah. That's true. I didn't even think about that. Yeah. What's up, buddy?

You comedians love touching people. Yeah. Let's move on. You were raised in LA? Yeah, I was born there This is the first time I've been in New York Really? Yeah That's crazy

Yeah Why? You haven't used up all the fucking Lesbian bars in LA yet? I don't even think there's that many There's probably much more in New York Actually, no There's probably much more in New York

No, I don't think so Well, that many. There's probably much more in New York. Actually, no. Much more in New York. No, I don't think so. Well, there's like that one gay street. Dude, I'm just picturing you as a fucking young lesbian. But I thought you said I already looked like one. It would eat you up. I know. But I'm picturing you with an actual vagina. Going in there, they'd be like, hey, what's up?

You'd be like, shut up, bitch. That's how they act? You'd have this attitude that you have now. Do you that they like that stereotype of being like angry or no? There's so many different types. You'd be one of the types and you'd do well. Are there types of lesbians who are like calm and relaxed? Yeah. Lipstick lesbians.

Who? Lipstick lesbians. You know like the different terminologies for it? A few. Lipstick lesbians, bull dykes. You'd be like a compensating like, like yeah i could see you being like trans man do you think assisted suicide is a good untapped business venture yeah you gotta be paid up front though oh yeah of course but the thing is some of them probably

will just give you all the money in the bank all of it that's a good point like actually i need a little more and they'll be like yeah what, what do I care? Yeah, exactly. They have no use. Especially if they have no family. I'm 100%. But it was my idea. I know, but you ran it by me. Not 12. Not 12.

That's too high. Gross or net, obviously. Gross. I'll allow gross. I don't know. Which one is smaller? Gross. That's how you remember it's gross.

Gross? It's because it's not as much. And net is like... Oh, net is without. Okay, I understand. Yeah, that might be wrong. Oh, and let me ask you a question. I said we were going to...

This is going different than why I'm a big drunk, huh? Huh? Huh? Well, I said we were going to talk about it later. So I have to ask you real quick. What do you think about that long neck guy He's coming in right now Long legs?

Long neck Who's long neck? He's coming in Ah fuck Long neck I don't know long neck You don't know him? You're about to meet him

He just texted me You heard that? I did hear it We have him waiting outside Very unprofessional We put him in the There's two elevators to get to this floor Yeah

We put him in the mechanical one and then we shut it down. No. He's just chilling there. He's been there for weeks. Who's Long Neck? He's a regular here. I'm worried about what you might be doing to someone. You don't get the cultural reference?

Long Neck? You don't get it? No, I don't. I legitimately don't. Why not? What's a Long Neck? That's not even a stereotype? That's not even a stereotype That's not even a stereotype. That's long neck his name on Instagram big nose big dick big balls. That's his name on Instagram

I don't know. What's the cultural stereotype then? That's not that's a name on it. His name is long neck I don't get this cultural stereotype. It's no culture. So he's white, but you just said you don't get the cultural stereotype Well, all right, I get it So to say right now that you're a big the cultural stereotype. All right, I get it. So say right now that you're a big fan of long necks. Long necks. You know how white people are. No, say I love long neck.

He's coming in next. Long neck's great. I love long neck. So we're going to end it here, all right? All right, but bring long. I want to meet long neck. Oh, you're going to meet him on the way out. Oh, okay.

Okay. What's this guy fucking doing? Looks like it's about to explode. No, no, the table. Just put it down on the table. You see it's already about to burn again. Whatever. I can't let him wait any longer. That's it.

What does that mean, that's it? I don't understand what you're saying. No, no, no. He's here right now. Okay, let's go. Where do we go, outside of here? He's going to be in the elevator. Okay.