The Matan Show - "Dr Phil" & Matan do Biden Impersonations, Talk Kill Tony

Episode Date: December 1, 2024

Hello everybody, welcome back to the podcast for today's guest. We have Adam Ray, welcome in. For the co-host we have Mike, welcome in Mike, nice to meet you. Nice to see you bro. Thanks for coming, I appreciate it. Here, I'll pull this down for you. Oh, let's see. Thanks brother. Okay, so please just introduce yourself in case anybody doesn't know you and all that one.

Yeah, my name is Adam Ray. I'm 6'1". I'm circumcised. I'm from Seattle. And happy to be here. No gay stuff and bullshit like that. Yeah. Go ahead.

Oh, and happily married. My Dr. Phil. To a man or a woman? To a woman. Let me finish my fucking story. Dr. Phil Unleashed is the name of the Netflix special. That's what I'm here to promote and make some new friends, hopefully. There's no self-promote.

So anytime you mention that terrible special, I'm going to have to bleep it. You got it, baby. Okay, so just do another take talking about who you are, but nothing about that special. Great. I have Asperger's, cheeseburgers. Everyone's got a little Tism inside of them I am from Seattle But I've lived in LA

For 19 years Oh okay Congrats Appreciate it Yeah LA's a crazy place Looks like you guys Shoot a lot of I don't know

Looks This feels like Where Two Girls One Cup Was filmed So it's an honor What's that? Oh it's a This is something I was not a part of so I can talk about it.

It was a short film that I guess got popular on YouTube in about 2006. Okay, so right when YouTube started. Yeah, I think the guys who made it took advantage of, look, LA is a place where everyone's grinding. You're grinding. Fucking this guy's weird. I'm a real business guy for real. Yeah, you seem like it. Making money, making business.

The other week I... Yeah, go ahead. How much money do you think you've made in the last two days? My manager made like a thousand bucks and I got some too. Let's go. I made 40.

Your manager here or at Arby's? No, my manager viral flooring. He's unable to make it today. That's a fake name. Yeah, but... No, he's here. Viral flooring? Well, he's not here, like physically here uh he he almost you got trump gestures did

everyone ever tell you that nobody ever mentioned that the way they go like that yeah yeah because i'm a big fan of the big donald yeah do you love a lot of inspiration yeah he's my idol did you like him more as president or when he was in home alone oh no i like him when he was in Home Alone? Oh, no. I like him after he lost the second one. That was when he was in my favorite because that was all out. Yeah. Yeah, he's... I mean, dude, he dodged a bullet, literally.

Yeah. Pretty crazy. By the grace of God, he almost got him. Yeah. But you're an atheist. An atheist? Yeah, you are an atheist? No, I think I believe in God.

Okay, nice. I don't know. Definitely when I'm on planes? No, I think I believe in God. Okay, nice. I don't know. Definitely when I'm on planes and there's turbulence, I believe in God. I also feel like there's got to be more of an explanation to why we're here and why you talk like that and why that coat fits. Why I'm so professional talking with a nice voice. You do have a pretty nice voice. Very professional. It was a little daunting at first, but I've settled into the accent.

Like scary? No. Daunting doesn't mean scary. Just like alarm. Like it's a lot, you know? No. I am. Like have you ever heard Sylvester Stallone talk?

Yeah. That's not like me. No, but also daunting because it's just a big booming voice. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Daunting at first. Oh, don't use that word. Anyways, let's move on, okay? You said you're married, right? Yeah. When you married your wife, did you have to work 12 years as a shepherd for

her father? 14 actually. 14? Her dad was, yeah, it was arranged and I was into bestiality at the time and thought I needed a change, right? I think everybody goes through a time where you're like, dude, how many more horses can I bang? How many more dogs can lick the peanut butter off? It's time to marry a person, right? How do you think of stuff like that? That's no good. Think of what?

You know. Well, bestiality is a known thing. You know, I'm from Seattle. Yeah, but why would that come to your mind right now? Why would you immediately start? Because you start talking about Shepard's wife. It made me think of Shepard's pie. It made me think of American talking about shepherd's wife. It made me think of shepherd's pie. It made me think of American pie

with Jason Biggs. It made me think of fucking a pie. It made me think of what else can you fuck? Animals, right? What was the question? I mean, I just wanted to know if you had to work as a shepherd

like you did in biblical times, but you took it somewhere else. You interpreted it as fucking a shepherd. Yeah, yeah. I'm just trying to keep up, make small talk. Clearly, there's no rhyme or reason to this you know, keep up, make small talk. Clearly there's no rhyme or reason

to this program, right? No, this is serious. This is a... They turned this on on the Wall Street buildings. Oh, let's go. Yeah. By the way,

the camera can't pick up on you because of the hat, so can you please take it off? Sure. Okay, go ahead. I'll hold it for you. Great. Taking the coffee and my hat.

I feel like what else? I'm holding it for you until you leave. Okay, I appreciate it. And then sometimes when I do that, the guest forgets about it. So I have a little collection of like knickknacks that the guest forgot to take back. A finder's keepers, if you will. No, because I didn't find it, but it's more just keepers keepers. Keepers keepers.

Great name for the podcast or a new podcast if this one doesn't work out. You ever been to a brothel? What is that? Like where the Don't act like you don't know Like a strip club Don't act like Oh yeah

I'm a minor I can't even go in there What are you like 15? Yeah I'm 15 years old Why do you look like you're 48? Fuck you man That's not something cool To say to a minor

I think this motherfucker Is smiling under the mask, which is making me very happy. He's not smiling. He doesn't find you funny at all. I could hear a little dimple crease. No. No, no. Alright. We'll move on, okay? Let's do it. Let's move on. Do you think it would be morally

reprehensive to put Neuralink chips in disabled people's heads and then shut them down from the inside out? No, I think you got to do it whatever you got to do to get by no but that's not getting by that would just be for the i think we're all getting chips what's the term that they use like where you get to pick the color of the baby's eyes you get to start what the fuck are you talking wait what's pick the color you owe eugenics oh yeah oh right where you can um manipulate right yeah so i'm saying use eugenics. Oh, yeah. Oh, right. Where you can manipulate, right? Yeah, so I'm saying use eugenics.

I mean, you can maybe use eugenics to not have them be autistic, but there are still autistic people in the world, so we can shut them down like that. I think we're all a little autistic, dude. We're all a little weird. What about just straight up disabled, you know, cripples? Cripples, I think, you can be born that way. Also, I have a friend that became a paraplegic for jumping into a pool to save somebody who was-

Were you friends with him when he became a cripple? Pretending to drown. I'm friends with him now, yeah. But when he became a cripple, were you friends with him? I waited until he couldn't walk to be friends with him. I thought maybe you would stop being friends after because now it's like a burden. Oh, no, no, no. I mean, look, I definitely don't envy the people.

You've always seen those Dateline stories where a guy gets hit by a bus, and then he loses his arms and his legs, and the wife's like, fuck, I don't know if I can be with this. I got needs too. His dick doesn't work anymore. Wouldn't that be separate from the arms or the legs? I guess unless he just took down his whole lower body. Now let me ask you this.

Follow-up question. Would you rather, you know how sometimes people go, would you rather, you know, be deaf or blind? Oh, I have some of those here. Great. Well, let's get right to them, but I want to ask you this one first. Would you rather lose your arms and your legs or your dick, if given the choice? So all four limbs. That's a tough question.

It is tough. I don't know what I would pick. Maybe the arms and the legs, because then I can plead for sympathy. Is that microwave for show, or is that a real microwave? No, that's real. Let's go. Oh. Why did you decide to pursue comedy instead of acting after having massive success with the feminist Ghostbusters?

You know, I started doing stand-up in 2007. Okay. And the Ghostbusters came out in 2016. 2016, yeah. So I was doing stand-up before. Paul Feig, who directed Bridesmaids and the Ghostbusters, he put me in a movie called The Heat with Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy in 2013.

Why did he do that? He liked my audition tape. He thought I was funny. You know, I think it's debatable, right? You don't look very Jewish. Yeah, they didn't care about having a Jew in the part. They might have. I had a beard and long hair.

I looked more Jewish at the time, yeah. Ray is not also a Jewish name, you know. Ray Manstein. Ray Manstein. That was one of my first jokes. Rehmanstein. Rehmanstein. Yeah. That was one of my first jokes. It was really, really bad and not funny. So I don't expect any laughter here unless it's sympathy driven.

But I would say, yeah, Ray is not a Jewish last name. It actually was Rabinowitz Matzahbal Yamaka Jew Bastard. But we shortened it to Ray because for Hollywood purposes. No funny. Yeah. Want to hear another early joke I did that never worked? No, try a funny one. Well, what I thought was funny.

I'd go, hey, this is a great crowd. I'm happy to be here. This feels a lot like my Little League games because my dad's not here. Not funny. Try a funny one. Folgers Coffee has a slogan called the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup To me it should be the best part of waking up Is not dying in your sleep

No funny try another one NyQuil The night time sniffling sneezing coughing Steffi had fever so he can rest medicine Yeah he can rest after you hallucinate for 45 minutes I think I need to stop smoking weed I got so high the other day I drove to 7-11

Got a slurpee forgot. I drove to 7-Eleven, got a Slurpee, forgot that I drove and walked home. Let's cut it there because this is... I'm going to just have to cut that whole thing out. Yeah, that'd be great, actually. That's all going to go on a special at some point. That's going on a special? Yeah, called Nobody Wants to See This.

Yeah, it's going to get even lower ratings than the Dr. Phil. Yeah, well, we're number three in the world right now, so suck on that. In ratings? Yeah. Oh, what is the rating? It's number three in the world right now, so suck on that. In ratings? Yeah. Oh, what is the rating? It's number three in the world right now. Like in watch time or ratings?

I don't know how they equate it, but probably watch time. So the algorithm, I guess, boosts the show by the amount of time people... If people watch it all the way through, it gives you a better opportunity to stay on top, right? What if they're watching it because they put it on to check it out and they're watching, they fell asleep. So it went the whole way through. I'll take it, baby. Well, let me ask you a serious question. Why do you think you had more success playing the characters like Joe Biden and Dr. Phil other than yourself?

The question was, yeah, why do the characters resonate? I think silly people really appreciate it. I think I bring a good element of silliness to like my comedy and the characters. Dr. Phil is known enough, I think, that people all have an idea of like how abrasive and direct he is.

And I think it was a good character to parody. And I've just been doing it for a while that I think consistency is key too, right? We've been doing the show for over a year. So having the real Phil come on for the Netflix special was only a matter of time. He went on that thing. Yeah.

The real one? Yeah, it was pretty funny. He came out. I'm doing some crowd work. But you were still playing the Dr. Phil character? I'm dressed as Dr. Phil and he comes out as Dr. Phil, who he is. Are people who play characters for any reason at all vicious and evil? Liars who deserve

to get put down? I don't know. You should probably ask Meryl Streep when she played the Devil Wears Prada woman. I don't know who that is or the person she used to be.

Who's your favorite actor of all time? You watch movies? Not really, but I would say Trump because he was in that Home Alone. Home Alone, let's go. Were you a Mike Pence guy or do you think J.D. Vance will be better?

I liked Mike Pence right up until the end because I don't want to say what I think about Mike Pence, but you know what he did. What did he do? We could have been living in a utopian world right now if that guy had made a different choice. Oh, gotcha. Now they say J.D. Vance fucks couches. Do you believe that?

I heard that rumor, but I don't know. I watched a clip of him, and he just seems like a very stereotypical human. Yeah. It doesn't seem like there's anything going on. Nothing interesting about him, yeah. No, no, but not, which I guess maybe is a little interesting, but that's all I got from it. Sometimes you can be interesting by being uninteresting, right? Yeah.

Yeah. All right. We agree on something. I'm not a contrarian or nothing. I'll agree when it comes, when it makes sense. I love that about you. And also if you fuck, everyone's fucked the couch at some point. Do you know what I'm saying?

No, I don't know. I don't get it. Every young adolescent boy has dry humped a futon or a waterbed. Do you know what I'm saying? No, I don't get it. Every young adolescent boy has dry humped a futon or a waterbed. Do you know what I'm saying? I mean, my man over here definitely has come on many pillows. You can just tell. No, no. Yeah, yeah.

I think you're projecting or something. I think I'm also just discussing a common thread that young men have. We're all little hornballs when we're growing up because once you start to see your first pair of boobs or butts. Yeah, but why would the first reaction be to start re-eating a couch? Because you don't have the mental fortitude or game to talk to a human yet. And you need practice. The same way that serial killers play duck hunt, right? They put the gun up to the TV.

They kill innocent video game quackers. No, they kill animals. Serial killers do. Yeah, right? They put the gun up to the TV. They kill innocent video game quackers. No, they kill animals. Serial killers do. Yeah, they kill actual animals. Right, but duck hunt starts that, right? No, no. You don't think so? I heard they start off like torturing squirrels.

Oh, like Jeffrey Dahmer. I think that's probably what he did. I don't know specifically for him, but that's what I heard. Can you imagine being a squirrel and just running around one day and be like, dude, my life is chill. All I got to do is run up that tree, get those nuts, maybe fucking wrestle a pine cone, chase my friend for an hour, and then sleep. And then here comes Jeffrey Dahmer being like. But how do you know if they're thinking about it that way? Maybe they're having an immense amount of stress.

They're about to have a panic attack about if they don't win the fight with the pine cone. Right. You never know. Yeah. Squirrels can be much more complex than we realize. We don't know what's going on. And maybe Jeffrey Dahmer was doing them a favor. No, maybe he was just investigating what was going on.

He was like a neurologist, like Lex Friedman. Let me cut open their skull and see the amount of squirrel stress that's really going on here. No, no, he was just, he was making medical advances. He didn't want to try it on a human, so he tried on that.

Well, eventually he tried on humans. Yeah, eventually he ate people. He kind of went a pretty... No, he didn't eat them. Yeah, he did. He's way too,

he's overhated. Jeffrey Dahmer. Who do you think is the Michael Jordan of basketball? Scottie Pippen. What about who's the Michael Jordan of beating dogs? I mean, you got to give it up to Michael Vick, right?

That's too easy, though. But he actually didn't beat the dogs. Yeah, he didn't beat them. He just had them fight and kill each other. Pretty wild, though. He's also overhated. Yeah, I think he's properly hated. I mean, but also, hey, man, he is a true testament to, like—

Testament to good heart. That's one way to look at it. I think he also just found a loophole, right? He was like, dude, I'm so good at sports that people are going to forgive me. Now, people that get in trouble for, like, domestic abuse, they have a tougher time making it back into the zeitgeist but michael vick people loved him so much they're like dude and also what if mike vick what if what he wanted to do in the long run was televise that and then use some of the proceeds to save other dogs so in total he was create like saving more

than killing okay i don't think he was doing that but it's a nice idea I think definitely he probably started off being like look I love dogs I love the Baja man they sing about who let the dogs out somebody let them out and they let them into Michael Vick's backyard and that's where things took a turn I think he probably saw the dogs fight I think he was gambling on like

you know I think once a gambler always a gambler and I think he was probably like bored with roulette and blackjack. And he was like, let's fucking bet on bum fights. And then bum fights kind of made their way out of the rotation. And he's like, what's the next best thing? But that's what I mean. Bum fights made some money.

Bum fights made a lot of money. The bum fights guy fucked with your big dog. Fucked with DP, yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I mean, that was, Phil put him in his place. You know, I mean, that guy. No, no, he got him. The bum fights guy got him? Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I mean, that was, Phil put him in his place, you know, I mean, that guy. No, no, he got him. The Bumfights guy got him?

Yeah. Yeah. You ever seen the clip of it? Yeah, yeah, many times. Phil kicked him off the stage, you know. Because he got him. I would have loved

to have seen a conversation. That would have been interesting. I mean, he actually, you stole his bit, the Bumfights guy. You took his whole thing. Well, he didn't, he just talked like himself, though.

Do you know what I'm saying? I actually talk like Dr. Phil. No, but he was dressed as Dr. Phil. Yeah. Did you get the idea from him? Did you get the idea for a podcast from Marc Maron? Who's Marc Maron? Exactly.

You're the one who mentioned the bomb fight guy. I don't even know who Marc Maron is. No offense to whoever that might be if he's alive or dead. Who do you think the Michael Jordan of Marc Maron is? Hold that thought. We'll be right back. Hey, guys. Sorry for the interruption.

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I was actually wondering when we were going to shift gears to some lighter stuff No That's a big topic nowadays Slavery and abortion, yeah Those are definitely hot button issues, right? No, no, well more so because The baby thing Where the women want to

I don't know, they want to get rid of them But that brings it back to slavery. Sure. How so? If one of them can be decided by the state, why not the other? I think we live in a country where, you know, it's a free country. That's what people always say, right? It's a free country. I can do this. I can take, you know, I can take my dick out at a cheesecake factory.

You can't do that, though. It's not completely completely free you're not even allowed to do that let's go anyways continue what you were saying so i think that you know my body my choice is a real thing, right? Why not my body, my money, my slave? What? My money, my slave. More money, more problems? My money, my slave.

I bought him, I get to work him. Well, yeah, I mean, I think... What's the issue with that? Nothing. I'm loving this. No, no, what's the issue with that? Nothing. I'm loving this. No, no, what's the issue with buying people to do work? I think buying people is, you know, a weird tactic. I think asking people and hiring them is probably more... What if they don't want to do it?

Then you let them find another work, you go on to the next person. Dude, a second vacuum? This guy's out of his mind. Oh, look at this. That's awesome. Dude, I got 10 bucks on the red one. This is better than Jake Paul and

Mike Tyson. That's a great team I'm watching here. Dude, double fisting Coombs all right enough get the fuck out of here get the fuck out of here. Dude, that was worth it. You can have one of them when you leave. Let's fucking go. Just stay there now.

Yeah, I don't think they're going anywhere if they can't breathe. But you saw, I mean, with that guy as an example, why shouldn't, he didn't want to do that, but if I bought him, why shouldn't it be okay? Well, I think bought is a loose term, right? You hired him and you paid him money, so you can say. No, I didn't. So like.

I paid his previous owner for money. Imagine if an NFL owner was like, I bought these players. That's a problem. That's, it's just racist, right? Who said they're black? What? Yeah, I'm not gonna fucking, you know, walk around the circle. Why is it racist?

I think just because of the way things were. It's weird to buy people, right? People should be free on their own accord to do and say what they please and then deal with the consequences. Okay, let me ask you a question. This is a great question. I can't even believe I just thought of this on the spot let's go if he brings out another vacuum you think you should be allowed to sell yourself on your own accord yeah i think uh yeah look at only fans look at prostitution no no but answer directly like sell my entire being forever to you. Legally you'll own me, but I agree to it. Well, there are sugar daddies out there, right? No, answer the question straight up.

You're trying to ring around these questions. So if you sold me, I mean, I don't think I could afford you. Let's say, but just a hypothetical. Stop being funny about it. Just straight up. Would I? Do you think that should be legal to sell? Somebody wants in their own volition to sell themselves to somebody else.

I mean, that feels wild. Should it be allowed? Probably not. Well, my next question was if it should be allowed, which I think it should, obviously. Okay. Then if that person then procreates with another owned person, shouldn't the baby be born into being owned Dude you should run for office. Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna run. I'm gonna start a fucking Civil War I know you are that guy. I mean that was the worst president ever. Who's that Lincoln?

It's pretty bad. He if it wasn't for him. I mean I wouldn't have to set up these cameras You know I mean yeah, you don't have people to help you do this I wouldn't have to set up these cameras you know what I mean you don't have people to help you do this I fucking have to pay them sometimes that's supply and demand right people should be rewarded for their efforts I'd rather just have a farm of humans that they live or they die

they work and that's it yeah like whoever dressed you which is I'm assuming some Amish I dress myself do you always I'm assuming, some Amish... I dress myself. Do you always... I'm always in this outfit. For real? It's a nice outfit.

I look very serious. You look like you manage the Chuck E. Cheese animal band. No, I look like I'm the owner of the biggest building in New York. You look like Paddington Bear's secretary. No, I look like I own the Wall Street building. The whole street. I own all of Wall Street. You look like you do coke off a Capri Sun straw.

No, no. That's again, that's projecting. Yeah, I've never done coke actually. I don't believe that. But Diet Coke. You look like it, but no offense. That's okay. Take it as a compliment.

Okay, you want to move on? Because you didn't really give me a straight up answer a compliment. Okay. You want to move on? Because you didn't really give me a straight up answer about the slavery. You want to avoid it. I guess overall I'm against slavery. Yeah. It's just, it's a confirmation bias nonsense. Because you said you went to college in LA. Yes.

That's why. You see what I mean? No. You got indoctrinated by liberal... University, yeah. You got indoctrinated by liberal university yeah yeah you got indoctrinated and now you're saying crazy stuff and it's nonsense yeah well let's just move on then why do people take vaccines instead of just going to africa and asking the local wizard to cast a black magic spell to prevent uh them from becoming sick this one i'm actually uh in full agreement with you i don't know know. There's wizards everywhere.

We're constantly overlooking the ability, the wizard wisdom, you know? I don't think there's, I think there's not enough wizards in the U.S. Agreed. But if you go to, if you go to, you know, what was the continent called? Africa. Oh. Yeah, I thought it was called something else. But if you go to that place yeah

those guys they can make magic i think so yeah i think magic is magical that they haven't advanced for thousands of years totally dude i think uh vaccines you know uh are a personal choice um they're probably even happier there too i mean i i i am amazed when I see an up-close and personal card trick. My mind is blown. You know, I used to have a Magic 8-Ball, and I would shake it and ask questions to it. Like, you know, are my parents going to get back together? And it would always go, signs point to yes. And I'd go upstairs and go, Mom, Magic 8-Ball said you're getting back together.

And she'd go, shut up, you fat fuck. You know, and then. You're how old? It's a couple weeks ago. You're 40, right? 42. Am I wrong? 42.

42? Yeah. So I was close. Your parents were divorced? Yeah, from when I was age eight. I already talked about this in another podcast, so I don't want to go over it, but I don't even think that should be legal. Divorce?

Yeah. Oh, no. It's got to be legal. No, no. Some people just fuck up and pick wrong do you know what i'm saying but that's the point you got to stick out and deal with your choices i don't know but that's why we get murder and and cheating and and uh there was less murder reported a hundred years ago show me the data yeah the data would there is a lot less reports of it. Maybe some would argue that there was more, it just wasn't reported. But that's just because those liberals took control of the technology and the big tech, whatever it is. Are you on Facebook a lot?

Do you reconnect with old honeys? I like Facebook because that's where I get the truth from. Yeah. I like that one like the truth website. Is that just what it's called? Truth Social. Truth Social. That's Trump's website, right?

I mean, that's the best. What sort of advice do they put out there? Or is it just all facts? All facts. I mean, I guess advice could be separate from facts. And they'll give advice. They'll tell you, per se se who to try and kill. Where were you on January 6th?

I was looking for Pence. I didn't go to the Capitol. People tried to imply that I was there but I wasn't. I wanted to find that guy because he is the reason that happened. He's responsible. It's also the name. I think the name matters in a politician. It is a popularity contest more or less

but Mike Pence just doesn't roll off the tongue well. Why do you think Dr. Phil keeps getting accused of picking people's heads open and trying to eat what's inside as fast as he can? I think because the mustache is, you know, it wasn't aphrodisiac in the 70s and 80s. What does that mean? Aphrodisiac, we'll put it up on the screen, spell it out.

No self-promo. It means like, it's like a grease the wheels. It turns people on, right? An aphrodisiac is something that helps get you in the mood and gets you excited. What does that have to do with what I ask? I mean, this isn't something you do publicly. I'm just saying that the mustache, I think you get away with a lot more, right? In the 70s and 80s, women wanted to go down on men with mustaches. I'm not asking why he hasn't been jailed for it.

I'm asking why he keeps doing it. I also think you're getting this from Truth Social probably. No, that one I didn't get from Truth Social. Where did you get that one from? JambaJuice.com? CNN. Really? They reported on it.

Show me the data. I can show you after the podcast off camera. Of course you can. I mean I can't show it on camera because then they could arrest me. Okay, but you can talk about it. But they'll say it's slander. If you show it.

Yeah. Yeah, but talking about it is fine. Well, I'll just say allegedly, you know what I mean? Yeah. Allegedly with a big quotation. Yeah. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, why does he do it, I guess?

Yeah. If I'm going to play along, I don't know, probably because, you know, you're trying to eat healthy. When you're saying play along, you're implying that you don't believe this is true. That Dr. Phil opens people's heads and eats them? As fast as he can.

He's been trying for years to see how quick he can do it. Yeah, this feels like a wild meat sweats dream. You had a few meat sweats dream. What is that? So sometimes you'll eat meat, right? And then you sweat in your dream because you've cut of it? Yeah. No, I... Listen, this is a real accusation that's been made against him before.

When's the last wet dream you had? What's that one? When you cum in your dream. Oh, that doesn't happen. Yeah. I don't sleep. You seem like a cum that doesn't happen. Yeah. I don't sleep. You seem like a cum in your pants guy. Do you know what I'm saying? No, I don't sleep. Ever?

What do you gain? Rest, cognitive forward progress. But sleeping would only take time, you know? People spend 80% of their life sleeping. Do they really? No. Where'd you get that fact? Social.

When's the last time you brushed your teeth? Don't do it. No shower, no teeth. That was a trick question. I knew that. Yeah, I think you can guess. No shower, no brushing, no sleeping. Boy, ladies, are you listening?

I mean, I made over $100 in the last eight months. Doing what? Doing this podcast. Good for you, man. My manager made a lot more. His name's Viral Infection. What's his name? Viral Flooring. I tried to get him to be here today. Let's move on. Let's move on.

How much time we got left? Where do you think people like you go when they die? I don't know. Rite Aid? Rite Aid? I'm talking more like what level of hell. Oh, shit. Are there levels like in Mario Brothers?

Mario Brothers is more like a straight path where this one would be going down. Well, you can fall down the cracks of Mario Brothers and go to hell. That's where King Koopa lives. No, but if you go in the pipes, like those green pipes, I mean, it's not hell. You're going actually to a nice place usually. In the pipes, I think you're going

to where the Ninja Turtles live. Yeah, so where are you going? When you fall in the lava or when you go down in Mario, you just die. It doesn't show you where you go. I When you fall in the lava or when you go down in Mario, you just die. It doesn't show you where you go. I'll give you 20 bucks if you can sing

the Mario Brothers theme song all the way through. I don't know it. Why did you... Let me see the 20 first and I'll consider it. I don't even... That's not a real 20.

That's not real. I can't see it. Who does you lose, bitch? Let me see it. I don't know if it's real. Oh, yeah. I'm going to take it out again. Sing the fucking song.

If you put your hand in my pocket, I will fucking Will Smith you, baby. You all right? Is that to me or him? Him. Fuck you. I almost had it. You did. Would you have let me keep it?

Probably would have wrestled you to the ground for it Okay, that's a little gay So I would have just given it back to you I know, that's why I said that Are you a meth head actor? Meth head actor, yes Meth head Yeah

Okay I'm actually trying to pitch a product called Meth Mints And explain what that is because I keep Fresh breath but no teeth No, meth head Because sometimes I'll go on like YouTube shorts and they'll talk about how Heath Ledger was the best at that. Oh,

meth head actor. No, meth head. Meth head. Heath Ledger might have... He was the best one of all time. He was the Joker. That movie was unbelievable. That might be the last movie I saw where I was truly moved by a performance, right? But why do you think he was... What about being on meth made him a better actor?

I don't know. It just gave him something to battle with, right? I think every actor wants to have something in their... Hand me that, please. Yeah. I think every actor wants to have challenges, right? Obstacles. So I think Heath Ledger was...

Go ahead. Please finish your statement. I think Heath Ledger really got into the character so much that he was probably in too deep, as Adele would say. Okay. That wasn't really the answer I was looking for. Great. Wasn't the question I was looking for. Have you considered transforming your content and becoming Mr beast um great question mr beast uh yeah that guy his videos

get hundreds of millions of views right yeah he's doing better than all of us i know he's crushing it oh um transforming my content into mr beast type content is that what you mean no you become him oh like go full prosthetic Mr. Beast. I guess you do the best that you can. I mean, that would obviously be part of it. You got to start talking like him. How does he sound? I don't have an impression.

I don't really remember. Do you do impressions? No, people think that the way I speak is fake already. So if I start doing other voices, then people are going to really start thinking it's fake. Can I give you an impression? Okay. Do Harrison Ford. That's the Star Wars guy?

Yeah. I don't know how he sounds. Indian. I hate snakes. Hello, I hate snakes. Not bad. Okay. I can do SpongeBob.

We're all bad. Okay. I can do SpongeBob. We're all good. Okay. Go for it, dude. No, I don't want to. You ruined the moment. All right. I was going to do fucking SpongeBob, and then you had to sleep in a little job right there.

Do SpongeBob. How about this? Do SpongeBob finding out that he overdue his account at the ATM machine. No, we'll move on. You killed it, all right? This is a follow-up to the last question. Kind of similar to Mr. Beast, okay? Have you considered translating your videos to Spanish

for all of your African fans? Yeah. We're in the process, actually. That's something Mr. Beast did, by the way. Yeah. He made a bunch of YouTube channels in other languages that were dubbed over, and then that's how he said he made $8 of youtube channels in other languages they were dubbed over and then that's how he said he made eight billion dollars he's on the precipice of what's happening

i mean but let me ask you where would you start because his first worker was that chris guy do you know about him no he was uh hansen the catch a predator guy he needed to catch that guy actually but do you ever watch that show? I've watched it, but are you making this reference on purpose or no? Because Mr. Beast's first worker named Chris was, you know, one of the guys you would find on that show. Yikes. Did you know that or no?

No. So that was just pure coincidence? Yeah. Okay. Wow. Yeah, I think Mr. Beast is at the forefront of really being creative and pushing the limits of what's possible content-wise. He also has a big budget, and that helps. Money talks, right? What solution would you offer to solve systemic racism responsible for imprisoning more white people than any other race? What was the question? Why do you think the government is so

systemically racist that there's more white people in jail than blacks, Latinos, Asian Americans, anything? White people are pretty crazy. Yeah. So what advice would you give to white people to stop going to jail? Stop, you know, living in poor cities. Stop having parents that are fucking wackadoo parents that shouldn't have babies at young ages. Stop buying guns without a permit. Stop, you know. See, this was a trick question

because obviously the real question is that, you know, African-American people, for whatever reason, they do go to jail by a higher percentage of their population so i knew whatever i asked what advice you would give to white people would really be uh advice you would give to them right so now you just saw all of that really nasty racist stuff that you would find on you know facebook sure i'm getting real bored um but that was fucking super racist. I think more, less white people, white people go to jail for doing things like,

like again, you seem like somebody who talked Kyle Rittenhouse into going to the streets. He was innocent. Yeah, by a jury of his peers. You don't like Kyle Rittenhouse? I think he's overall not the most likable guy. He's an American hero. Oh, God. Here we go. I'm going to write him in as the president. Oh, my God. Good luck with that. Because I wasn't able to vote this time. Why? I'm not. Because of your breath?

No, because I'm a minor. Fuck you, man. Fuck you. Your special stinks. Go ahead. You couldn't even say that shit with a straight face. I'm serious. You're not a bad guy, okay? Hey, look at me. This is Dr. Phil. You can talk. You're a good guy.

Why didn't you show up as a Dr. Phil? Your coat's buttoned a little bit too tight, okay? But that's because you're overcompensating. For what? For a lack of connectivity. See, now I'm feeling pressure because now it really seems like I'm... Wait, wait, wait. Let me finish. Give me some eye contact for longer

than three seconds. Stop touching your nose. Okay? This isn't Thanksgiving. You fucking piece of shit. That was what I was going to say. To me? No, to myself. Yeah, good. For coming here. That's correct. What's that little fucking fart that keeps happening in your nostril? Is that a sinus thing?

I'm going like this? Yeah. Yeah, I'm just, I have a stuffy nose. Congested? I'm super sick. Sorry, man, yeah. Hopefully you don't, you get sick. Yeah.

Do you want to move on? Yeah. Do you think the U.S. would be better off sending all of the asylum seekers back to where they came from? No. Why not? I don't know. I don't fucking... What is...

I don't know. What do you... You know what it is or no? No. People who come in from like war-torn countries. Oh, gotcha, gotcha, gotcha. Refugees.

I guess. Sure. Should we send them away somewhere? Send them back to where they came from. No, I think everybody deserves a shot. So you don't believe in any sort of immigration stoppage? I don't know. I think there's...

Yeah, I mean, I think, you know, making... I think everyone deserves a shot, but there should be a... You're answering this like super Jew-y. Okay, so we'll move on, because you don't want to give a real answer, okay? Now, are you Jewish? No. Okay. Jew-y. Okay, so we'll move on because you don't want to give a real answer, okay? Now, are you Jewish? No.

Okay. Don't you think you should be of the Jewish faith to be able to say the word Jew-y? Like, what are you? Yeah. Sorry, I got grossed out there. Yeah, that's okay. What advice would you give your future self if he was dead in 10 years?

Should have taken Matan up on his vacuum offer and should have taken one after the podcast. You're not going to take one? I mean, I'm having a... The implication is that you're not taking one. I'm having a tough time deciding which one to take. And I think at the end, it's almost like when you're at a restaurant and you're confused, right? Okay, so I'll make you take one because now I feel pressure to have you take one. Which one would you want? I think if I don't take one, you know, the fucking, you know, Lurch's nephew is going to come back out and vacuum up the fucking...

Which one do you want? Gorilla pubes on the ground. I'd probably take the newer one. The red one looks like it's going to malfunction at any moment. The green one you're saying is newer. The green one looks like it was purchased from Target. The red one looks like it was from the glory hole that you used

to work at. Would you rather don't, you better watch out with that. Would you rather take one of those vacuums home or I can give you a different gift. I can give you long neck. What's long neck? That one, he's the next guest of the episode. I can give you a different gift. I can give you long neck. What's long neck? He's the next guest of the episode. I can take him and take all his

bones, snap them together and put them in a box and send them to you. Fuck yeah. That's way cooler. Why don't you open with that? Do you want to meet him? Yeah. He's going to be here in a minute. Bring him out. Okay. Well, thanks for coming on. I appreciate it. We really need to get long neck ready here. Let's go, dude. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it. We really need to get Long Neck ready here.

Let's go, dude. Thanks for coming. I appreciate it. Trump handshake, huh? See you guys. Watch my Dr. Phil special on Netflix. Super bleep right there. That's unbelievably bleep.

Thanks, brother. I'm going to put the vacuum noise over. Okay, you got it, brother. Thanks, dog. Dude, the commitment is awesome. Long Neck really is here, though. Oh, that's great. So the podcast is over. Long neck really is here, though. Oh, that's great. So the podcast is over.

All of it's over. You can have a vacuum if you want, but long neck is here.