The Matan Show - Harland

Episode Date: February 23, 2025

Hello everybody, welcome back to the podcast. For today's guest, we have Harlan Phillips. Welcome in. Come sit in the middle, please. For today's co-host, we have my manager, Vyra Flooring. Welcome in, Vyra Flooring. Throw it up, throw it up, throw it up. You caught one of them? Oh yeah. Why wouldn't I? It's a hundy.

Thanks for coming. Please just, in case Why wouldn't I? It's a hundy. Well, thanks for coming. Please just, in case anybody doesn't know you, introduce yourself. Hey, folks. Harlan Phillips here. And my famous father, Wilson Phillips, their mother. Sorry if I got confused on the name. I didn't know if it was Harlan Phillips or Harley Morenstein. It's Phillips. Yes. it was Harlan Phillips or Harley Morenstein It's Phillips

Yes Yeah, Harlan Phillips Thank you And you are? Uh, Martian Martian I'm hoping to be a Martian Like I'll be living on Mars

Oh, I'd like to do that too Can I come with you? I would say it just depends It wouldn't be up to me Well, who do I talk to? coconut cream pie Johnny Huh go ahead sorry about that. Yeah, I just had to fix my mic Yeah, fix it up throw it up throw it up throw it up throw it up. Okay. Well, let's continue

I wouldn't mean continue. We haven't even started yet guy. well that's what I mean do you think you have extra money do you think you have a high enough IQ to join Nambla hmm you think you have a high enough IQ to join Nambla Nambla yes i don't know throw a math question by me let's test it out how old usually are the boys that you sleep with uh well i would say nothing under 24 like so then you might not be because because that's North American Boy Love Association, so I would imagine they love to be little boys. Well, I mean, even Santa loves little boys. I mean, good...

Everyone loves little boys. But Making Love Association. Oh, Making Love to Little Boy Association? Yes. God, I still have my Blockbuster card. I don't think I'm ready for that yet. I am with AAA, though. Does that get me anything?

What does that mean? It's like,. Like if you try. No, the Blockbuster scene. What is that? Oh, Blockbuster? It's a video store. Like you go, you rent a VHS. Yeah, but that doesn't exist anymore. You said you have a card there? Maybe not in your mind. Maybe not in your neighborhood, but daddy. You have one still? Dad, if I can finish, daddy likes to party on a Saturday night. I pull into the Blockbuster. Daddy walks around, finds a VHS or two, takes them home, slaps them into the VHS, slaps them, just grinds them into the VHS machine, powersmiths them into the VHS machine.

I'll watch that thing in reverse. I'll watch it forward. So you're just breaking the tapes. Daddy gets his fingers in the buttered popcorn and he likes his fingers buttery. You're just destroying the tapes then. You're just making a mess all around your house. There's just electronic pieces on the floor.

Guy, come on over. We'll mamble it up. Not mamble. Nambla. Oh, come on over. We'll mamble it up. Not mamble. Nambla. Oh, you mean man and man love association? I don't know. I'll eat a bowl of alphabet soup if you want me to, but let's mamble, gambla, wham, bam, a-tambla, my guy.

Okay, well, let me ask you a question. Who do you think has done more damage to David Lucas' career? Me, you, or David Lucas? I'm going to say you. Me? Definitely. Yes! Yeah, dude, you know how to party on Fun Fun Street.

Well, I fucking, I would like to take credit for that. I would have just thought it would have been David Lucas, actually. I think it's you. No one rolls around with a big puffy fatty like you do. Like my hair? Well, I mean, look, it's okay. Are you referring to something else? I'm referring to him.

He's a puffy. Him? He's a big boy. Him? You're saying he's fat? He's a little chubby. You can fat shame him. He's a fat fucking pig is what he is.

That's what I was going to say, you big fat fucking flubber beast. Why don't you go to SeaWorld and mount a killer whale and ride like you got arthritis in your fat fucking flubber beast why don't you go to sea world and mount a killer whale and yeah ride like you got arthritis in your fat fucking calves you cankle sucking freak give him another one hey suck nose why don't you go to house of pies and get a chocolate blue bit he's crying now you've made him cry good that's what we want really i think that that's i think that fat shaming works i think that i love it i think that fat shaming works. I love it. I think that's the best and only way to deal with fat people. You know, you have...

I love it. I'm with you. I was walking down the street yesterday, and I saw a fatty, and I threw a full seven-layer lasagna right across the road. But then you're just encouraging to eat it. You know what I mean? I know.

He'll eat that shit off his... He'll burn the calories, pulling it off of his face, maybe sticking there, but I prefer. He'll burn the calories, pulling it off of his face, maybe sticking there. But I prefer just kicking them in the stomach. And, like, maybe they'll have stomach pain if they try eating. Yeah, but you're not thinking about this logically. Why not?

You like fat shaming, so you kick a fatty in the stomach. Yeah. They puke up their food. Oh. Now they're not as fat. But if you toss a lasagna or a full garlic loaf or a raspberry pie across the street, they eat it. They expand. Now you get to fat shame them even more. That's true, but that's bad faith. I'm looking at it in good faith of them becoming healthy in the future. No, we don't want that.

Let them die. I don't disagree with that necessarily. I think that if you're somebody who's been fat in some place in your life then it's kind of your trouble at that point it's time to go you'll always be a fat like a just a fat person like you'll have the mannerisms of someone like that well i have a tramp stamp on my lower back that says make room for the thinnies and what does that mean it means you know the more fatties that die the more of us thinnies get to party on fun fun street. What is Fun Fun Street? That's the second time you said that. Oh, you'll find out. Let's keep going now, Sigourney Weaver Jr. Sigourney Weaver. And let me ask you this. Let me say how to word that. What solution,

fat shaming, how would you fat shame David Lucas? I don't think you really have to fat shame him. He wakes up in the morning, he looks in the mirror and he's already ashamed immediately. Imagine that. How would you fat shame him? Like he's already ashamed by himself, but how can we add on to it? I would probably go to his house, break in in the middle of the night, go to his bed, duct tape him to the bed, strip him and rub him down with garlic butter and maybe a little rice pudding and just ugh. Because he wants to start eating himself. Yeah, that's about it.

He can't control it, but it'll be tied down. He wants to start biting his arm like an autistic who like, just skimming. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know David Lucas was the only Jeffrey Dahmer victim, right? Dahmer got him his apartment and ripped his clothes off. He's the only survivor? Oh, hell no. Oh, hell no.

Oh, hell no. Like a fat black woman, too. Dahmer? No, like the way you said it, like, Oh, hell no. That's like what a fat black person would do. I know, but that's what Dahmer said. Dahmer, he looked, one look at Lucas, he went, Oh, hell no. He almost turned Dahmer into a normal person.

What's normal to me? By the way, no offense to fat David Lucas. He looks like shit. Whoa, I wouldn't say that. I just want... No offense to him. I'm just saying it how it is. I love David Lucas.

You love Lucas. He's my greatest guest on this show ever. Are you serial? He was on my show and everybody loved him. They said that the only time that he was better was when you were talking to him. Okay. David Lucas.

David Lucas. Oh, you don't remember him now? I don't remember him. That's even more insulting to him, I feel. Skinny white guy? Fat black idiot. Hmm. Let me think on that.

You have one hair pointing out. Yeah. Did you do that on purpose? Yeah. Or am I just pointing it out now? It's called the alfalfa. It's coming back. The what?

The alfalfa. Like that four-legged animal? No, no. Like the little rascal. I don't get it. Is that something I should do? Like I should just have something like this? Yeah, give it a try.

Although I like the Sigourney Weaver. That works for me. Is that something I should do? Like I should just have something like this? Yeah, give it a try. Although I like the Sigourney Weaver. That works for me. Is that a man or a woman? You decide. That name sounds familiar. You're making a face like that. I don't support that shit. Don't push your politics here unless you're a Republican.

What if I have Pollywogs? Pollywogs? Can I push my Pollywogs here? Is that like some sort of dog? It's like a premature frog. It's like they swim around before their legs grow. Think of them as giant sperms wiggling through the night. I think I understand what you're talking about.

Yeah, I don't know. I guess you could bring, just don't bring too many of them. I mean, I don't want like the close-by environment to get destroyed by like like, illegal immigrant, illegal alien frogs. You don't look like you care much about the environment, if I'm being honest, Weaver. You got that. No, no, that's true. Let's go, Weaver. That's true. Okay, well, let's continue. Do you think there's an alternate universe where whites are the ones committing the crimes?

Probably. I mean, think of all the crimes they commit here. Nothing. Oh, dude. Just a bunch of david lucas's dude are you kidding last week i had four honkies break into my house and loot the place and jive honkies not just the regular they must have been doing white face dude it was like casper the friendly ghost dry humping a piece of drywall at the back of home depot i mean they they were whiter than a... You really know how to put it into perspective with these things. You're giving really specific, close-up examples. Well, either you want an answer or you don't, wagon wheel tits.

That one doesn't make any sense, but it's, again, a very specific one. But, okay, I would disagree. I think that the whites are not really ever the ones committing. Oh, they are. Believe me. I think there's an alternate universe where it's like Indians, but that's as far as you go. Okay, well, explain this. Daddy's peeling down the 134 last week. You want me to explain that logic?

Okay, go ahead. I feel like they're already the ones committing the crimes now, but they're not getting charged because India lets them get away with scamming. So there's an alternate universe where India starts cracking down and arresting Indians and their country just collapses. The population plummets to like 1.1 billion. Have you ever been to India, my friend?

Don't make this studio start smelling like shit now, man. I'm not making it smell like shit. I'm just asking you a question. Have you ever been to India, my friend? I haven't. I heard some not great things. Well, then why would you knock the India if you've never been to the India? And I don't know what that means.

That's gotta be a slur. I don't know what it means. That's got to be a slur. I'm just trying to, you know, propel the conversation along, you freaky-eyed, bongo-sucking, praying mantis-lipped... That's got to be a... Give him an insult. Dude, don't just let it... Don't insult me. I'm not insulting you.

Why would I do that? Call him... Give him another fat shame. Hey, Chubby, why don't you go over to the Taco Bell drive-thru window and suck a moose through a strawberry fucking coated garden hose. You heard that? I'm not finished, you pimple-eyed... Well, okay, well...

That's all my money from the last couple years. You're doing good, bro-se-fi-osh-y-o-sh-y-esh. What the fuck does that mean what the what was that it's like saying bro but but it's like a higher level a Canadian version of it no no it's universal okay do it in Indian if you want go ahead you got that right for seffy oshiyoshi oshiyoshi oshiyoshi

okay well let's continue Take that Got him He missed me But he celebrated Wow What kind of pie is that Do you think I don't know

Alright Where did the pie go It's all over the floor now I don't know why he right. Where did the pie go? It's all over the floor now. I don't know why you did that. It's now empty. Oh. Well, it smells good in here after that last accent you did now at least. I think we can inspect David Lucas any second now that there's a pie on the premises.

Well, he'll start fucking eating it off the floor like the lasagna guy from earlier. It's all right there for him. You like lasagna? I just saw a twinkle in your eye. You a lasagna guy? It's okay. Talk to me, guy. Nothing special. Do you power jam a lasagna? Will you hammer Smith a lasagna on a frosty Friday night?

Oh, look at that. Suck it deep. I don't even want to eat it. We haven't cleaned these sheets in like two years. You didn't have to tell me. Well, it should be kind of obvious, but let's move on. Okay. How old are you?

I'm not ashamed of my age, but I'd like, if you guys don't mind guessing, because if you guess younger, I feel good about myself. So go for it. 63? Ooh, you're up by a year. 62. 62? Do you think your time is almost up? Oh, you're up by a year. 62. 62? Do you think your time is almost up?

Oh, yeah. And when do you, how many, how many more months do you think you got left? I bet I got about a month and a half. What's going to be the killer? Probably Kentucky Fried Chicken. I got a bucket at home under the bed, and there's about three pieces left,

and I think by the time I get down to one, Daddy's going to be sucking maggots like a freeze dried. Well, do you mind not shuffling the money so loud? You know, he's just, he's just, he's almost mocking me by doing that. He brings all of the money that he scammed me out of to my podcast and I legally have to have him as my co-host whenever he wants. This is your manager, right? My manager, viralaro Flooring. Do you want to hear, can I tell you a funny manager story? Go ahead.

My manager was, my first manager was a comedy manager. Okay. So you'd think a comedy manager, you'd pitch him comedy and he'd laugh, right? So, just say, and then the dog walked in the door, Like you're telling me a joke, and I'm my manager. And then the dog walked in the door. I'm on the floor. That was his response? He wouldn't laugh.

He would just go, I'm on the floor. Okay, like he's like laughing metaphorically. So hard, yeah. He would never laugh. Try another line on me, like an end of a joke. And then I teamed up with Tom Robb to start a new podcast. I'm on the floor. So no matter what I said, is that the same

response? Anything you pitched him that was funny, you wouldn't laugh. You would just say, I'm on the floor. Wow. So do you still have these guys as your manager? He died. He died? Ended up on the floor. Are you responsible for his death? Maybe. Maybe not.

I don't really... If you know how to kill managers, I've been asking every guest to help me out here. How to kill them? Do you want to do it subtly? I don't want to go to jail, but I want that motherfucker to die, man. Okay. So you do know we live... And I missed.

He knows. He knows all of the tricks. He'll dodge and weave. Hey guys, sorry for the interruption. I have to let you know that today's episode is sponsored by Sheath. Sheath is an underwear company that has previously sponsored me

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As you can see, she sent me some of their underwear and I gave some to my buddy Mike. We both really like it, think it's extremely comfortable, and I would recommend it to you guys and everybody out there. Thanks to Sheath for sponsoring today's episode, and if you want to get some for yourself, use code MATAN, M-A-T-A-N, at Sheath.com. That's S-H-E-A-T-H.com with code MATAN to get 20% off your order. Oh, that reminds me of another question. Do you believe Hulk Hogan when he says that Mike Tyson was too afraid to fight him? Oh, yeah

Yeah, I believe anything Hulk Hogan says he's known as like the opposite of a liar. He's a truth teller Hulk Hogan. Yeah. Oh, I thought you meant the Hulk the Hulk the whole green guy No, Hulk Hogan the truth teller. Oh god. Okay. Yeah, cuz that sounded more articulate the Hulk. The Hulk? The big green guy? No, Hulk Hogan, the truth teller. Oh, God. Okay, yeah, because that sounded more articulate. The Hulk really can't form sentences real well. That's why he's not a liar. He just doesn't say anything that you can even understand is a truth or a lie.

Yeah. No, Hulk Hogan, the WWE superstar. Yeah. You know, he looks like a liar to me. Really? Yeah, I mean, he looks like a liar to me. Really? Yeah. I mean, look at that mustache. I don't know why they kicked him out of the WWE.

Did they kick him out? They removed him for whatever reason. I forget. But I didn't see any issue with what it was at the time. Well, what's he doing now, the poor little jinxons? Why did your face start tweaking when you said that like i didn't know if he's a jinxons or not what's a jinx it's like a cutie little cutie pie like fudgy wudgy fudge why would that initiate a tweaking face i don't know well you remember i told you i'm dying in about a month so i wanted to follow up on that are you dying because you're

having a heart attack from eating too much kfc or is there like maggots in the food and like diseases well i showed you the kfc's under my bed right so under my bed is my this is tough to talk about but uh my dad's under the bed with a shotgun and uh boom so when but why would he wait for you to get down to the last chicken? He's like... Because he wants to see his boy die fried family pack style now, child. I don't understand how that makes any logical sense. Now he has to... Is he planning on, like, killing himself

after, too, or he's gonna live? Uh, sorry, say that again? Oh, you got the Don Don's, buddy. I finally... I finally got some. You got the Don Don's. Jesus.

What do you wash your hair with, guy? Dirt. Let's continue. Okay. Fucking stole my money. Do you recommend for people with anger management issues to drink alcohol in order to calm down? Yeah, I think. I think it's a good way to tame the beast.

Yeah. You know, I mean, someone's jacked up here. You give them like a bottle of Jack Daniels, and that sort of, you know. Go ahead. Tech issues much? No, I'm making tech issues. I'm creating them.

Okay, God. You know. much no I'm making tech issues I'm creating them okay God creating over here like these oh I didn't mean it like that go ahead with what you're saying though off like you thought you were God in the shadow of the whipped cream wall there's God Wow almost got him but I missed again That was like a bolt you threw at him Like a fucking bullet I got close You got that anger management in your eyes I might need a beer or two or three or four Or five or six or seven or eight

Give me all of them I'm 17 so I won't even get arrested They'll just think I'm fucking crazy They might arrest you Alright I gotta calm down Cause I don't want to get in a fight with my manager on camera yeah save that for after um do you think instead of giving money to people on their wedding day they should give the money to me instead since i'm struggling i don't think so because struggling is the best part of the journey my guy

yeah like you're gonna you're gonna figure this out as you get a bit older you figured it out I don't think so because struggling is the best part of the journey, my guy. Yeah. Like you're going to figure this out as you get a bit older. You figured it out. I mean, I'm generating money. Right. None of it goes to me. Well, maybe you got to be a little more aggressive with your manager. You talk to him like you would if you were me.

Try to give me some of that money. What's his name again? Viral Flooring. Floors explode under him. Listen, Viral Flooring. Floors explode under him. Listen, Viral Flooring, we've been working together for a long time now, and things are on an upswing. And I think I'm going to need some more money. I'm going to need more percentages.

Oh, I almost got it. But see, you always get close. He's like a Venus flytrap. You can't beat him. Yeah, you can't. Look He's like a Venus flytrap. You can't beat him. Yeah, you can't. Look, and now he's laughing at us. He's mocking us. Well, mostly you.

He's not mocking you. I mean, you didn't lose shit. He's mocking me. Yeah, he's mocking you. And I'm sort of mocking you, too. Why would you mock me when I'm getting scammed by a manager? I like to see a prepubescent boy get scammed. We'll continue.

Do you think feminism will finally end when women realize how re***** they are? Can you say that again? It was a little mumbly. Do you think feminism... I was going to try to do an Indian accent, but I don't want to get racist. Go ahead. I understand it.

Do you think feminism will finally end when women realize how re***** they it. Do you think feminism will finally end when women realize how they are? Do you think feminism will end when the women find out how stupidly tarted they are? See, I did it for you. You're much better. Give me a potato. It's harvest season. God, your knuckles are soft.

Answer the question. Are you with NAMBLA at all? Um, I used to put kids into NAMBLA, but I quit that. Those hands are soft. I almost got arrested. Do that again? Holy God. Pillsbury Doughboy's nubs. Anyways, continue. Finish. Okay, say it again because I got distracted by Gingivitis Face over here. Give him another fighting salt, please. Every time you do one, I want another. Hey, Thunder Face, why don't you go outside,

find a blueberry pie rolling down the street, get a garden hose, and suck it. Suck it raw. Do you think feminism will finally end when women realize how shit they are? I don't think so. Why not? Women, because women, I love women. I used to be one.

I'm thinking of going back to... Whoa, whoa, whoa. Explain that. Well, I was one about 14 years ago. Don't worry, guy. I don't party on Fun Fun Street. Stay back. I'm just moving around.

I believe in motion. I believe in overcoming inertia. And if you're going to move around, I'm going to move around. Trump is going to deport you. I hope you know that. Your time is coming. I hope he does. Deport away.

Then I get to sneak back in. I like to sneak. Now my hair is in the pie. That's what she said. Does he have diarrhea, by the way? Something really smells. He probably does ask him, but he won't answer. He doesn't answer nothing.

I think the odor is sort of answering for him. Like, it smells like Willie Nelson's at the back of his tour bus. Willie Nelson? Is that like the 90-year-old singer? Yeah, and, you know, you go into the back of his tour bus after he's had a nice Olive Garden spaghetti carbonara, and boy, oh, boy, if you think diarrhea isn't alive,

get back there and your eyes will start bleeding onion grease. Well, I hope you can take your joke right now because otherwise, if he's like 90 and he can't, he might just get angry and just go, you know what I mean? He'll just die. I'll be dead before him, I'm not worried. You got a month

and a half before your, I guess, what, your 98-year-old father? It's under the bed. The shotgun. Why a shotgun? Why does he need such, like, a high-voltage? Like, why can't he just take you out with, like, a pistol? Daddy want to make sure boy die. Die real nice now, you see here child if you could actually kill him and shoot him that many times

i would be perfect i might finally start making money do you you want a new manager? I would love a new manager. He signed me until I'm 95 years old. Are you a comedian or a podcaster? What's your title? Business mogul. Okay. Larry's on Melrose. All the managing you can do for $45.

Yeah, but he has me signed away. I can't move. For how long? In perpetuity? Do you know this word? Until I'm 95 years old. Do you know the word perpetuity? I know perpetuity.

He doesn't have me in perpetuity. I think you should explain to them because I don't know if I believe you know what perpetuity is. He doesn't have me

until the end of time. Tell them what perpetuity is, Sigourney Weaver. That's what it is. It would be like until the end of time. Until, there you go.

Would I have to look at the camera when I say it? I would, Sigourney. Well, no, he doesn't have me in that. He just has me for the next, what, like 78 or so years? Okay. Sort of like, remember, Elvis had that manager that didn't let him go for his whole career. Is that what happened?

Yeah, Elvis' manager took 50% of everything. But Elvis was so loyal to his manager that he didn't let him go. Wow. Interesting. Would you rather live in a world completely destroyed by nuclear bombs or one where Joe Biden is still the president? Nuclear bombs. Splendid.

Just, you know, I'm a big fan of post-apocalyptic scenery. I do have to say you look a little bit like him. Like Joe Biden? A little bit. You look like a younger version. Yeah. You guys are similar in age, but his thing, like his brain already kicked the bucket. I get that.

I get Joe Biden a lot. I get Brad Pitt a hell of a lot. It's kind of a toss up. And then I get a lot of Matthew McConaughey and a little bit of Farrah Fawcett, if you can believe it. It's a real mishmash, like a potpourri of who this guy is. So just all like the most attractive, like generally considered people. Well, if you want to call it that, I'm not saying it. I'm not saying it. But how does people, that would mean people are indirectly saying Joe Biden looks like Brad Pitt. They're saying it, not me.

That's the key point. Who said that? Like your mother? People on the street all walk down, Brad, hey, sometimes I get Jesus. Oh, they're not even thinking you look like him. They think you're him. Yes, people sometimes think I'm the Holy Son, Holy Ghost, Lamb Savior.

I think that's just a cracked out homeless person. Hey, I can't speak for the folks. That kind of relates to my next question. Why do people keep giving me dirty looks when I stop pretending to be homeless and get in my $130,000 car? What do you have a bet? What kind of car do you have?

I don't own it, but I drive his car kind of car do you have? I don't own it, but I drive his car around sometimes. What is it? I don't know. I just know it's $130,000. It's a Bugatti. Bugatti. Holy shit,

have you thought about bikes? It's a combination Lamborghini, Ferrari, Bugatti all in one. Yeah. Doesn't fucking turn on. That's what she said. No, the car doesn't turn on.

I'm just now realizing that he scammed me. He sold me a piece of junk. I'm so very sorry. It's okay. Take a moment and cry, guy. Do you want me to hug you or... No, don't touch me.

Well, do you need someone to hold you while you weep? I'm a little bit devastated. You look like a lost man. Because I kept... I've been telling people for six months now that I have a Lamborghini, Ferrari You look like a lost man. Because I kept... I've been telling people for six months now that I have a Lamborghini Ferrari Bugatti.

Oh, child. Oh, my God. And I really thought I had something special, and now I'm realizing why everybody started punching and hitting me after I said that. Child want to weep? No, I'll figure it out. Okay.

Fuck off. You better watch it, man. No, it slipped. That one slipped, guy. Easy. Okay. Fuck off. You better watch it, man. No, it's out-slipped. That one's slipped, guy. Easy. Easy. You're kicking somebody while he's down. When you were born, was that big war still going on? Hold on. let me...

I'm not good with history. Yes, I was a Vietnam baby. I'm talking about World War II. Yes, that one too. That one too? Yeah. Were your parents in it or you were like... In it?

Holy God. They were it. I mean, they dropped a... They were Jews? One of them was. Ah. Yeah. I know.

Which side? The Jewish side. Mother or father? My dad. That's better. But then they flipped it halfway through and then now one's a Jew and the other one's not a Jew.

So they were just trying to do like a trick i mean they weren't actually jewish they were just saying they were to get like better deals yeah so you're not okay wait so how explain how are you in world war ii can you explain that okay oh god so have you ever heard the term test tube baby no No. Okay, well, back in during the World War II days, they came up with a thing called test tube babies. Okay. They actually inseminated an egg with a sperm

and they put it in a test tube and froze it. It's like eugenics. Bingo. Eugenics. That guy is like a failed eugenics, by the way. He sure is.

So I was sort of sitting in a test tube in a micro-freezer. Yes. And then as the war came along, boom. Oh, boy, here we go. Go ahead, finish what you were saying. And so, yeah, it was a test tube, baby. In here, guy. Here we go.

Get him in. Got to make room for the rabbi. Now I'm really starting to get freaked out. This is like my worst nightmare, this. Why? He seems like a good guy to me. Why do I feel like I'm on the city bus? Yeah, this is my worst nightmare, this. Why? Why do I feel like I'm on the city bus?

Yeah, this is my worst nightmare. Why? He's going to try to fucking snip me and stuff. What is he? Looks like a rabbi. A rabbi. Do I have a big blessing? Do I what?

Big blessing. Bitch! He wanted a big blessing. Huh. I mean, he could eat in front of us if he wants to. This podcast, it is going to shit. I wasn't going to say it. I won't take any offense. I know what's happening.

I'm going to switch my chair back. I just now realize you might be joking about being a trans woman. Or a trans man. Or am I? No, I'll take my chances. That's what they all said. Oh. Friend of yours?

Piece of shit is what he is. What should we do with loud minorities? Duct tape them? Yeah, we already went over David Lucas, who is a loud minority, but like another solution. Give me an example of a minority because there's so many. Can we refine it down to a specific minority? No. All minorities.

Indian, Mexican, black. What other minorities are there uh australians are they minorities they're basically just white yeah but look at them indian indian mexican mexican and black what do we do if they're loud? One of them. Any of the three. Okay. Well, you don't want duct tape. Corks work good. Slap them in the face with a canoe paddle. Canoe paddle? Yeah. Like the boat thing?

Yeah, like a paddle. Which end? You slap them with like this? The flat end. The wide end. So it gives the whole face. Got to get the whole face. That'll shut them up.

And we're not racist, by the way. Well, not me, but... He is? Look at him. It's a eugenics explosion. Watch this. If you're racist, smile. Told you.

Wow. Look at him. He's still smiling. He's still racist. He's loud and proud. Wow. Look at him. He's still smiling. He's still racist. He's loud and proud. Yeah. And he smells too bad.

Oh, God. Some of the worst diarrhea I've ever caught a whiff of. It's like Winnie the Pooh with colon cancer over there. Oh, I get it. I like that. I like how you keep fat shaming him. Yeah. God, your knuckles are soft. What do you think would happen? You ever play with a yo-yo? Yo-yo? Yeah. I like that. I like how you keep fat shaming him. Yeah. God, your knuckles are soft. What do you think would happen?

You could play with a yo-yo. Yo-yo? Yeah. What's that? It's like a little toy that goes up and down. Probably softens your knuckles. Softens them? Well, you could do like a dish detergent corner show. Yeah, my knuckles are starting to bleed now just like they have no fiber.

Maybe you're a hemophiliac. A what? You know what I mean Right chubby? Thank you for saying it And not having it to be me I don't care I got no filter

I'll talk about the fat fuck all day Yeah Dolphin lips What do you think would happen to Jim Parsons If we cut him in half? Who's Jim Parsons? That autistic guy on the Big Bang Theory. I guess they really all kind of seem artistic,

but the main one. Jim. Sheldon. I never watched that show, my guy, so I'm going to have to, you know... Okay, I'll use a different person. Okay. What do you think would happen to the rock

if we cut him in half? Well, you'd need a pretty good saw to cut through a rock. You'd need a miter saw. No, no, not... I think we'd find fossils inside of him. No, like Dwayne Johnson. There's fossils inside like a trilobite or a... WWE superstar Dwayne Johnson, not a rock.

Or Iraq. Oh, you said a rock. Okay. Would we find some in and out in there? In Dwayne Rock Johnson? We might find some in and out in there in duane rock johnson we might find some in and out in there you never know i don't know isn't he like mr healthy i think you'd find like a cob he's only ate it once he's what he only ate it once so you never know he only in and out once yeah how do you know he's he keeps saying he only ate it once throughout the year, so I guess I'm assuming he's not lying. I don't know.

You're talking about a rock. I mean, rocks, that's all they do is lie on the ground. Well, we might... Isn't that right, Fatty? Ask him what he ate today. How about the answer, everything? Exactly. When he walks here or drives here, he probably just starts trying to grab.

You know the game GTA? I sure do. Instead of trying to grab the money, he just tries to grab food out of people's hands. Yeah. Just like that. Trying to eat it as quick as possible. This guy goes to the all-you-can-eat buffet and even eats the sign. He shuts down the restaurants.

He has the Guinness World Record. I wish he'd shut his legs. That diarrhea stink is just permeating this room. I think I'm getting a deviated septum just sniffing his dirty, greasy, smelly ass. Fucking steal my money. Go ahead. Will you support the fund to free Jack the Killer from prison? Jack? The Killer.

He gave himself that nickname. Jack? Wait, sorry, I misheard it. Say it again, guy. Will you support the fund to free Jack the Killer from prison? I won't free a killer. He doesn't, no, no, he's not killing. He's a killer and a.

Yeah, I won't free that. Why? I won't even free Willie. Willie the Whale? Yeah. Or this guy? Yeah, I won't free that. Why? I won't even free Willy. Willy the whale? Yeah. Oh, this guy? Willy the fucking whale. This guy's going to jail for fraud soon enough, hopefully.

Why don't we send him to SeaWorld for frog legs? God, you stink. See, he dodged it again. You got icing in your hair oh where is it you got it it's got to be somewhere in there i don't know where it went no when you lean to pick up the bolt your hair went into the maximus cre Creamius and you got it in your hairiest wariest. I understand. And that ain't a good look for Sigourney Weaver. Would it be funny to replace someone's Ozempic with

sugar pills so they collapse and die like in Breaking Bad? That would be hilarious to me. Yeah. Whenever you mess with someone's meds, that's a free comedy show for me. Should we... I mean, especially if the person's a scammer and a bad guy.

Not anybody specific. You like to point a lot. You're a pointer. I didn't point at anybody. But you love pointing with your little girly hands. With your hands. Hey. You just did it again.

See, they're so soft and puffy. Now this one is bleeding. You're right. They're like flaky. You're like porcelain. You've got porcelain doll hands. Oh, tender child. I'm trying to see if that fixed it.

Tender child. Now there's skin coming off. Have you ever been to the Wizard of Oz? The Wizard of Oz? The doctor? He's now in the government. Trump appointed him. No, the land of Oz. The land, like he owns, he's like a landlord? A merry, merry land and a merry, merry place where everyone has a funny, funny face and the streets are paved with gold and no one

ever grows old in that funny place called the world of Oz. You fat fuck suck a blueberry pie through a Chinese garden hose and suck Free Carry on, suck face. Would it be considered cheating if you killed your wife before? What are you laughing at? You look like you're going insane. I am, child. I am. Sorry, ask it again.

Yes. Would it be considered cheating if you killed your wife before? This is gonna be the response I get every time I ask this, isn't it? No, go ahead. It's just, I love murder. It cracks me up. Okay, one more time. It cracks me up, so kill me, fat fuck would it be considered cheating if you killed your wife before uh no short answer nice

god those hands it's like shoving my hand up. Oh, child. I don't do well with insult. It's not a... That's a compliment. You didn't let me finish. Those soft hands, it's like shoving your fist up the Pillsbury Doughboy's calamari ring.

I'm gonna put my finger in my ass and make you smell it in a minute. Finally. I'm just kidding. I'm not that dumb like that guy I had on my show before. I don't think we're going to smell your ass-coated finger in the room with diarrhea Danny over here. You won't even catch on to it even if I put it right in your face. I mean, what I'm sitting through right now, what I'm inhaling.

Whew. Which country would you like to surprise and send back to the past? Oh, probably Atlantis. Huh? Well, you asked. No, not like a country that is non-existent or never existed. Wait, who said it didn't exist? Are you like a four-year-old in like ancient Greece?

Like a greasy little boy? Is that what you're saying? I guess technically that is a decent, it depends how you use greasy, yeah. Hello, Mambla. No, Nambla. No thanks, I'm straight. I'm not a part of it. I just put people in there.

I traffic them in. Let's continue. If we go rid of DEI, how many of these people do you actually think would be qualified? Oh, DEI, diversity, equity. What is qualified? Oh, DEI diversity. What is it? Diversity, equity. Diversity something inclusion.

Equity inclusion. I don't know if it's equity. Equity doesn't make much sense. Is that what it is though? Eggplant. No. No. Direct diversity elephant.

No. Diversity electric eel. I don't remember. No. Diversity. Electric eel. I don't remember. Fuck. Anyways. Yeah, sorry. How many of them would be qualified?

If we got rid of it? Yeah. Give me a percentage, I guess. Well, you got to remember, Guy, so... Guy? Guy. Guy. Is that like... That's a Canadian thing.

Yeah. Okay. Are you okay with that, Guy? Guy Is that like That's a Canadian thing Yeah Okay Are you okay with that guy? Yeah yeah Alright buddy Or I can just say Sigourney Weaver If you want

It's up to you No I'll take Guy I'll take Guy Over Sigourney? Yes Buddy Guy Buddy

Guy Buddy It's like a South Park joke. Guy? I'll let you win. I don't want to do this for that long, and I know you're not going to stop. Ding! Is that like you won?

No, it's just a little ice cherry on the cake. Anyways, how many would be qualified? Okay, so there's only 13% of the American population is African American. I don't know if DEI just applies to that. Let me finish.

26% is Asian. 1.4% is Eskimo. Eskimo? Eskimo. Like aimo? Eskimo. Like a penguin? Like a pie. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Let me throw something by and see if this helps. Okay. That was like slur, word, word, word, slur, slur, word, word, slur. No, that was Eskimo for suck my sister's leg braces right off her legs and watch her run wild through a barley field. That's impressive that you can just say bullshit like that right off the top of your head. Well, suck my sister's face. Do you have any siblings?

You wish. I'm just curious based off your last comment, but you're trying to get out of this DEI one. Let's do it. I'm trying to break down. So we have 13%... Well, no, no. The percentages of what... That wouldn't matter because in this, there's 100% of DEI people.

Right. Okay. You start off. That's how the stats would work got yeah so yeah i think it needs to end i think it needs to stop yeah we gotta have people based on merit talent what they're bringing to the table yeah and uh every race every color of people, every ethnicity. There's talented, beautiful, wonderful people amongst all of us. Not answering. Bring the cream to the top and then skim it and let fatty suck on it till his cellulite

swallows his chubby fucking beaver face. I liked again that you insulted him, but what percentage of the 100% of people in DEI are actually qualified? You know, I'm not in government. I'm not behind the walls. Take a guess.

I would say fucking nothing. Zero. Zero. I say zero of them. But you just don't say it. You say it with spite in your voice. You say it with venom and anger and toxicity. Malice.

You're really angry about this. I am. I'm seeking vengeance. I'm like... Wow. What do you want to do? Say hi and shake their hand. What'd you just cook a waffle? Yeah, that's stick with cooking a waffle, YouTube.

What is that? doing cooking of our egg? Nothing cooking a pancake flip can you flip it for me? I'd love to see a flip Wow you flip your pancake sideways Yeah, I do. In this scenario, I guess if it's like Tim Heidecker. Who's that? Hi, Dicker. I barely know her. Dicker? That's like a...

Is that a female name? It's not a name at all, but it sounds more male. Yeah. But I guess it could be one of those names that are gender fluid shit. Yeah, you don't like that gender fluid stuff. I can see it in your eyes, Crystal Gale. I'm getting real angry now. I can tell your paper's crinkling up. I had to calm myself down,

so instead of saying something that I'm going to have to cut out later, I took my... Dude, do you want to do some breathing exercises and calm down? I'm not gay, so... You could have fooled me. I mean, come on, guy. You're wearing a Sigourney Weaver wig. Who is Sigourney Weaver?

Have you looked in the mirror? Yeah, I understand that I look like this man. Do you? I wanted to see if I said man, if you would make a weird thing as if it's a woman, but I don't know. It sounds like a

female name. Doesn't matter. Let it go, Weaver. What's your favorite food besides almond fish paste plaster? Oh, I'd say I enjoy a good lobster. Lobster? I enjoy... That's expensive.

Do you have a lot of money? Fuck yeah, I do. Look at me. How much? More than that? How long did it take you to earn that much money? I don't know. I could do my OnlyFans thing. I could probably earn that much money uh i don't know i could do my only fans thing probably

make that much in probably in a night one night dude when i spray it eagle you can almost feel the dollars flying right up my snatch so you're making like but how often do you do that whenever i need some bank like if i want to go on a trip to Bermuda, daddy puts on his G-string. I spray the eagle. How often do you do that? How often do you want to go to vacation? I'll do my OnlyFans about every other day. Wow, so you're making like tens of millions a year.

I make a shit ton, man. I mean, when this eagle spreads, the money flies. Who is paying you? Online guy. Who isn't paying me at this point? An online guy? There's like a singular Canadian guy? Guys, girls, everyone loves this spread.

Oh. Yeah, they call me Golden Corral Billy. Because I got everything you want except for a shrimp. No, no, guy. It's a corny. Oh, it's a corny. Oh. What was that? Oh, it's a Garni. Oh. What the...

What was that? I was sniffing your hair, I'll be honest. What? Why would you do that? I was laying there. It looked like one of those McDonald's french fry goblins, and I thought, I gotta take a snort. A goblin? I just wanted to take a snort.

And you know, it does smell like gorillas in the mist, by the way. These references are way past me. Okay. Let's continue. Let's say you had a brother who transitioned to a female. Would they become your sister or a mental case? They'd become my fuck buddy. Okay, you have to pick between the two, and that's pretty disturbing.

That's a family guy. You're not close with your family. If you could not pick your nose while I'm talking about fucking my trans sister. I'm sitting here opening up telling you I'm going to hammersmith my tranny over an inkjet printer, and I look over, and you're Goblin for Snob Goblins. No, no, no, no. I'm trying to share with you. Is this the same sister you tried to tell me I should kiss earlier?

I said suck her leg braces off. That's the same one? Yeah, that's the one. No, it's a man. She's a great guy. Ah, goddammit. Let's continue. You don't have to say it so angrily.

I feel like I'm complying I feel like I'm answering all your questions I'm not mad or anything Well you scowled when you said let's continue And that's aggressive I'm just like serious Can you say it real nice like a dainty Let's continue

Can you say it dainty Like a dainty No Like a dandy Let's continue Whoa Player wants to play. What does that mean? It means let's pull the pin on the grenade and blow some egg salad sandwich all over the room. I thought

we were about to get into another one of your... towards him. Oh, he just tried killing you. Oh, here we go. Now let's continue, as you would say. But you... Holy fuck. Oh, fuck. No thanks, I'm busy. Longneck is seizing outside. He's having a seizure.

Who? Longneck. Good. We have to end the episode. Longneck is outside having a seizure. Great, hope he dies. Me too, but I can't let somebody have a seizure on my property. Seizure?

I mean... I barely know sure. We have to end it here. You're gonna... We're gonna try to bring him back to life, and you're gonna have to film an episode with him. He's my next guest. Okay.

So we're gonna do an intermediate period. Once he's getting back to life, you're gonna film with him and then we're gonna go to my podcast with Long Neck. Wait, what? He dodged it again. God damn it. This fucking guy, I can't get him.

Whoa. Anger. Wow. God damn it. This fucking guy. I can't get him. Whoa. Anger. Wow. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Here we go.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. I couldn't even get a dollar. That's what she said. I couldn't even get a dollar. That's what she said. I got one. Okay, fatty, you better get in here.

I finally got one. Not anymore. Damn, bro. Throw it up, throw it up. Throw it up, throw it up. Throw it up, throw it up. Throw it up, throw it up. Throw it up, throw it up. Throw it up. Throw it up, Rihanna.

Throw it up. Rihanna, throw it up. Throw it up, throw it up. Rihanna, throw it up. Throw it up, Rihanna. Shine bright like a diamond. Throw it up, Rihanna. Shine bright like a diamond. Throw it up, Rihanna. Do you know Rihanna?

You fat, chubby, SkyMall fucking freak boy.