The Matt Walsh Show - I'm Canceling Christmas Trees

Episode Date: December 21, 2024

Matt has a very important message to share with you all today, we are done with Christmas trees.     Today's Sponsor:     ExpressVPN - Go to https://expressvpn.com/walshYT and find out how you can get 3 months of ExpressVPN free! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Choice Hotels get you more of what you value. Here's a little tune to help you remember. Same drive, different day. Don't you wish you were getting away? Pack your beds and come on through. Texas, Ohio, Alaska, we're up there too. Comfort in. It's calling your name.

Save on the stay. Oh, and free waffles are yours to claim. Well, I hope you like my little song. Book Direct at choiceotails.com. Now today for our daily cancellation, now that Christmas season has officially, or rather unofficially, the Christmas season actually starts on Christmas. I don't know if you knew that. I'm going to take a bold, bold step that will only shock and offend you until you realize that I come not as your oppressor, but as your liberator.

Freedom! I seek to free you and free all of us, once and for all, from the tyranny of Christmas trees. Christmas trees are canceled. This madness has gone on for long enough. I'm drawing the line in the sand right now. No more Christmas trees. done with Christmas trees. Now, it may come as a surprise, but the early Christians never thought to cut down a tree and put it in their house for three weeks as part of their Christmas celebration.

One could only imagine how the conversation would have went had anyone suggested something like that. Hey, it's almost Christmas. What do you say we go and chop down that perfectly healthy tree out there, drag it inside, and watch it slowly die? It'll be so festive. My tree. The idea probably would not have been warmly received. And that's why nobody had a Christmas tree until some depraved lunatic in Germany, as always, decided that there weren't enough distracting hassles associated with the holiday and came up with this idea. And it was the worst thing anyone had done related to Christmas since St. Nick started the whole gift-giving thing, which is another problem in of itself. This isn't the biggest bag over the head. Punching the face

I ever. Damn it. Son. Now admittedly, this history of Christmas in its traditions may not be entirely technically accurate, but that's not the point. The point is that we are all burdening ourselves with this demented custom for no reason. So there are, of course, two ways to approach the problem of obtaining, transporting, and erecting a tree inside your living room. This, again, is a problem of our own making. It's like if we're all stressed out about how to capture a squirrel from the forest and train it to do jumping jacks. The most stress-free way of doing that is to not do it because it's bizarre and pointless. And there are a million better ways to spend your time. But as far as trees go, you have two options, right? You can go out and buy a real tree or you can

purchase an imposter, a fake tree, an avatar of a tree. The problem with the fake tree is that it's a fake tree. It's expensive and clunky. It doesn't actually look anything like a real tree, much less does it smell like one? So it's always awkward when you go to someone's house and they have a fake tree and they go, doesn't it look real? No, it doesn't. Have you ever seen a real tree? They're outside. You should go check them out because this doesn't look anything like it. You know what's annoying about the Christmas season? Those super targeted ads that seem to follow you everywhere. You look at one gift idea for your cousin and suddenly every website is bombarding you with similar products. Well, here's the thing. Your internet provider is actually

tracking and storing everything you do online. Companies like AT&T and Verizon can legally collect and sell your browsing data. That's why I use ExpressVPN. ExpressVPN reroutes your internet connection through their secure servers so your internet provider can't see or log what you do online. You might be thinking, if I'm routing my data through a VPN, doesn't that just mean the VPN can see and log my activity instead? It's a smart question. While many VPN's claim to have a no-logs policy ExpressVPN stands out because they use trusted server technology. They were the first major VPN provider to engineer all of their servers to run in RAM, making it technically impossible for their servers to store any customer data. And they've got the

credentials to back this up. They even had a PWC, one of the biggest assurance firms, audit their technology. Stop letting people keep logs of what you do online. Visit expressvpn.com slash WalshYT right now and find out how you can get three months free. See, whatever joy there is to be gained from a Christmas tree, you aren't going to get it from a fake one. A family with a fake tree has given up. They are just checking the tree box, trying to slide by on a technicality. you might as well put a deflated basketball on your porch at Halloween instead of a pumpkin. The stand-in is significantly more depressing than just not having it at all. So that doesn't work. But the real tree is worse. First of all, it's going to run you upwards of $75 these days.

$75 for a hunk of lumber that will be decaying in a heap on your front lawn in less than a month. You could buy a bottle of Blanton single barrel bourbon, Elijah Craig barrel proof, even, for that price. And it will make you far jollier than any Christmas tree ever will, I assure you. So after you've been basically stripped naked and robbed by the Christmas tree salesman, you schlep the thing back to your house, you drag it inside, pine needles falling and dispersing themselves into areas of the house that you won't notice until sometime after Memorial Day, then begins the process of somehow getting this whole entire actual tree to stand up straight in your house with nothing but a plastic tree stand and a couple of screws keeping it in place.

If you do get it to stay in place, it will inevitably be knocked over multiple times by the dog, the cat, your kids, people and pets getting practically crushed to death left and right. Meanwhile, the thing requires about 19 gallons of water a day just to keep it alive and barely so. Now you have a half-dead, dried-out chunk of wood in your house with electrical wires draped around it. Maybe next week and develop an Easter tradition where everybody jumps into a pool and plays catch with a toaster plugged into an extension cord. And then what happens as soon as Christmas is over? It's like waking up with a hangover. You look at that thing and all of the joy and spirit is sucked out of it.

Now you see it for the giant pile of sticks that it always was, and you just want it out of your house. Literally the day after Christmas, you're looking at your tree with disgust. Everybody does. Or if you have a fake tree, you just put off the hassle of taking it down

for months until you finally get around to it only because you don't want people judging you when they come over for your Fourth of July barbecue. So the whole thing is madness, and it must end. We must free ourselves. We must stand up with one voice and refuse to be enslaved. to this lunacy. It's gone on for too long. It ends today. And that's going to do it for me.

My wife wants to go get a Christmas treat today, so we're going to go do that. The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love-hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it. And then a week after, it's just thrown somewhere. You see it by the side of the road looks like a mob hit. The car slows down, the door opens, and this tree just rolls out a bum-p-p-pum-pum. People snap out of that Christmas spirit Like it was a drunken scooper They just wake up one morning and go

Oh my God, there's a tree inside the house Just throw it anywhere