The Matt Walsh Show - Matt Walsh Reviews Adorable Dog Videos

Episode Date: June 24, 2021

These so-called "adorable" videos of dogs have confirmed I am right...no one should own a pet. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Today we go back to my favorite place on the internet, TikTok, and I say that both ironically and also sort of not ironically, it's kind of confusing. And I have a feeling we're about to be a lot more confused because today we will be watching and reviewing some crazy dog owner videos on TikTok. There are a lot of these there, apparently, no surprise. And I'm a well-known dog loather, not lover, but loather. Nothing against dogs personally. I just, I find them irritating and useless and disgusting. What are you doing? That's how I roll.

I don't blame them for that. There's something personal against their animals. They can't help affect their hairy, mangy, useless beasts. I blame instead the dog owners. And also America's obsession with dogs, which has become, I think, a sort of mental illness in this country. No offense to any dog owners out there. So we'll go through and we'll see how bad these get.

Let's start here. TikTok made me by Part 5. We've been seeing these tiny little glasses all over TikTok so I knew I had to get Ducky a pair. These frames are from the Pawwag Company and they're 1299. I got him two frames, one in a size small and one in a size medium to see which ones would fit him better. These ones are the size small, it's the round glasses in black. I think they're so sneaking cute on him. It also comes with a connector that helps the glasses stay on his face.

I personally like the size small frames better on him, but we're going to try on the medium one next. once next. These ones are the round glasses in gold and a size medium. These are definitely still cute, especially if you're going for a more hipster oversized look. These are Ducky approved and we give these a 10 out of 10 and we can't wait to get more. Dog glass. So does the dog need glasses? Did you take him to Lenscrafters and he got an eye exam? And no, probably not. Because he has no vision problem at all, I assume, right? He's not visually disabled. You're forcing him to live like that. You're forcing a trans-eathing. identity on this poor dog because you think glasses are cute.

As a visually impaired American myself, you see these glasses, this is not for show. I need these. I have special eyes. I just want to say, my culture is not a damned costume for a dog. You bigot. Also, now that poor dog has to run around with this thing attached to his face, which serves no medical purpose at all. And come to think of it, we could probably all relate.

Let's keep going. What? That, what? Was that the dogs? Was that the noise coming from a dog? This is sickening to me. You know, there's a book that came out recently. It's a good book called The Decadent Society.

And I think that these videos are all the proof you need that we live in a decadence. A tie? What is he, what is he going for a job interview at PetSmart? Welcome to Costco. I love you. What does a dog need a tie for? And just because he's putting his paw, on something, that doesn't mean that he's choosing to wear it, okay?

The dog is a dog. He's just randomly putting his paw on something. But this is something we always do. We ascribe human intentions to animals. It's one of the reasons why people always say, oh, look at the dolphin in the ocean jumping around. He's so happy. Look, he's smiling. No, his mouth is just like that. He can't help it. Or you see a video of like a lion cuddling a tortoise. and everyone says, isn't that it's so nice? They're friends. No, as soon as a video cut off, he ripped that tortoise's head off. Your dog is fine. He, all your dog, he's a dog. He wants to

run around and the fur God gave him. That's what your dog wants to do. You hear me? You wacko pet owners, that's all he wants. The animals just want to, they want to be animals and they want to live like animals because they're animals. He doesn't want to be your baby doll. I don't even like animals and I'm the one sticking up for their rights here. These people are going to turn me into a PETA activist before too long. I think it gets even worse. Let's keep watching. That, to me, is creepy.

That freaks me. I actually find, I'm not even kidding. I find this deeply on a real visceral level. I find that very disturbing, that whole scene. Because you see the look in the dog's face. I know, I just said we can't ascribe human emotions and intentions to animals. But there, I think, there are times, and you can just tell. And the look on the dog's face was a look of saying, help me.

He's pleading with the camera. to the pleading with the public, come and rescue me from this serial killer I'm living with. Because you know the dog didn't shoot. Dogs don't lie down like that. That's not how a dog went. She forced that dog to lay there. You know how many takes it probably took?

She's got her belt out whipping the dog. Get into bed and be cute. That's what happened. You don't see that part on camera. Listen, man, if you're dating a woman and she has a little dog, like, in fact, if she has a little dog at all, That's a good reason to run away, but especially if she has a literal bed with a nightstand and a lamp. By the way, the dog can't turn that lamp on and off.

Then that's a good indication that this woman will murder you in your sleep. There's actually statistically, there's been studies on this. Statistically, 95% of owners of small dogs have at least one human body in a freezer in the basement. I don't know if you knew that, but that's pure science right there. Let's keep going. So the dog has a TV and a fireplate. You know, the vast majority of, and this is like true, the vast majority of the world's population does not live as well as that dog.

And I don't mean that as a compliment to the owner. This is a larger systemic problem. Did you know Americans, and this also is true, Americans spend close to $100 billion a year on their pets. True figure. 100 billion. We could solve world hunger in a month if you maniacs would stop taking your dog to the spa.

That's all it would take. I won't stop until I make you mine. You know that I won't stop until I make you mine. Until I make you mine. Now it's probably a good time to mention, if I haven't already emphasized this, that your dog is a dog. He's not your child.

He's not your baby. there's nothing worse than people when they talk about their or they treat their dog like a child and it's even worse when it's a person who actually has kids and you hear this all the time someone will say oh uh you know we have three kids and then you find out that no they have two kids and a labradoodle what you're saying is that you view your child as a you view your children as dogs it's not so much elevating the dog to the status of human you are you are degrading you are demoting the humans in your families to the status of dogs. Okay, we've got a couple others

that will play for some reason. Let's do that. Here's one of a dog bathing. This will be fun. What, why, rose petals in a bath for a dog? I've never understood the rose petals in the bath thing at all. I don't understand baths at all. Like, why would I want to sit in a stew of my own grime and filth for 45 minutes? I don't see the point of that, but if you're going to do it, you know,

For a dog, you know, a dog, you just take the dog outside with a hose. And that's it. Use some donned dish soap, squirt the thing down, spray him with the hose. Done, you're done in two minutes. Rose Pedals gives us a very uncomfortable sort of intimate sort of vibe. And it makes me concerned that things are happening in that home that are illegal in 37 states. Except Texas. All right, let's continue.

But you put that much effort into a meal for your dog. And money. That lunch probably cost $115. And meanwhile, your dog would eat literal shit. Okay, that's what your dog would like to eat. How long does it take, if it takes that long to make your dog's lunch, how long does it take you to make yours? Six hours? By the time you're ready to eat lunch, it's already dinner time. Or maybe I'm, I could be, I'm getting this wrong because it's, it's, I wouldn't put it past these self-flagellating obsessive dog owners to just, you know, they give the dog that meal and then they eat dog food themselves. Because these are the same people who always go on about, oh, we don't deserve dogs.

We don't deserve them. This is why dogs are overrated. It's not about, it's not about dogs themselves. Dogs are overrated because we, just because we rate them so high, we rate them like literal angels. This is why if you're going to own a pet, stick with something simple, low maintenance, like, I don't know, a sea sponge or an amoeba. I had a pet amoeba when I was a kid. I couldn't see it, but I knew it was there. That was a good pet. Or just don't own pets at all. That's also good. And live your life with dignity as a human at the top of the food chain where you

belong, not debasing yourself in service to some lowly beast.