The Michael Knowles Show - Blackface, Seed Oils, & Diddy | YES or NO: John Crist

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

Comedian John Crist joins Michael Knowles on YES or NO to tackle controversial and hilarious topics like blackface, seed oils, and Diddy. From edgy humor to thought-provoking takes, this episode is packed with laughs and surprises as they dive into today's most buzzworthy issues. Don't miss this outrageous and unfiltered episode of YES or NO!   - - -   Today’s Sponsor:   Good Ranchers - Get the Michael Knowles box: https://www.goodranchers.com/knowles Use code KNOWLES for additional savings. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Oh, mention never take a paternity league. Not because there's anything wrong with taking care of the family, but because you don't want people to think you're a lesbian. Okay. I didn't read the end of that, dude. Hold on. My guest today is a professional comedian with a tour called Jokes for Humans. But the yes or no game is no laughing matter.

This is very, very serious, and I intend to win against my guest, John Christ. Let's do it, brother. John, thank you for being here. We shake hands? For now. We'll see how the game goes. If you want to play the game, not against John, he won't come to your house. But you can play against your friends and family, dailywire.com slash shop.

You can get the expansion packs. You can't get my drink. But you can probably find that at the liquor store. I have to have scotch today. You got to have scotch. This is new. This is new. You always have a martini.

I have a martini. And I don't want to call anyone out or anything, but my assistant Molly broke my glass. It's her fault. It is her. and I'm... I was thinking this is a power play because you normally... And I was thinking maybe if you...

This is a little stronger, you were maybe a little bit more nervous about this. Well, I am. It's very hard to keep up with a comedian. See, I'm already on top. I'm already on top. This is a glass of pure vodka. Straight.

Yeah. And people drink it with pebble ice. That's very... A little vodka slushy. Yeah, right. You know, and you're like, I've never seen that. You go into a bar. Can I get a straight vodka with slushy ice?

It'd be great. You're like, huh, interesting. Now, it's... Is the watch part of the strategy or no? It's a nice watch. Thank you. This watch, this is a true story. I had a knockoff, a Chinatown knockoff of this in high school.

And I finally decided when Ben Shapiro sent me my first paycheck, which was like two weeks ago. And that's how he makes you say it. It's Ben Shapiro. You gave it. I said, great, I can invest in a watch. Yeah. This game, the clock is ticking. We have, I think, under an hour.

I'm ready. To see who knows the other one better. Interesting. And we've done a little bit of research on each other peripherally. Yes. Yeah. I feel like if I shaved, I would look like you. But now you look like Matt.

Yeah, now you look like Matt, yeah. Number one, you have to guess how I would answer this. Got it. Moses would be a Republican. Bonus, you're right, but bonus, why? Open borders. You left Egypt, dude. Come on.

What do you mean? Open borders. I was thinking he might. be more akin to a monarchist, but you're right, the open board. Yeah, he laughed. He's like, I'm out of here. Wow. Where you're stuck in Egypt? He said, no or not, I'm leaving. Uh-uh. My land now. Thank you. It's my land now, dude. Yeah, Moses, for sure. I'm going to drink just for that beautiful answer. Oh, you take it back. Yeah, I thought you leave it here. I say, if I get it wrong, I have to drink. Okay.

If I get it right, I get to drink. Oh, I like that. So it's not like without of arms reach. You can't, you can't because you got it wrong. All right. You're up. Well, Moses, let me think. I mean, the plagues, he called those down. Let me see. What else did he do? Oh, he had that, he killed somebody.

Soft on crime. Moses? Yeah, dude, for sure. He killed somebody. They go, eh, just go, you know, go out in the desert for a little bit. But no, there was no, no one ever came down on him? No, no time. For sure, Democrat.

Yeah, definitely. All right, my turn? You're up. Going to Disney sucks. It's really just a way for cocky parents to test their family's resilience. Going to Disney sucks. Obviously. For sure.

I've never done it with my family. I did it when I was a kid. Never since. Never with yours. No, not with my, like, since I'm a father. Well, I think one of my, I remember, I never forget this story. One of my buddies, Randy, he took his four kids, Disney. You know, you can do like five parts.

How many parks are down there? Yeah. So many. And they took them to Epcot, Magic Kingdom. Animal. I was going to say Animal Planet. What's it called? Animal Kingdom. Song of the South. All of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And one day, he told me this story when he got back to the office. He said, one day, it rained. So we couldn't go to any of the parks. And we were staying at like the Motel 6. And he goes, there was a pond out back. And his kids went and caught craw dads in the pond because they were just bored. And on the way home, they said, what was your favorite part? What was your favorite part of the week? And they said, catching the crawdads.

Of course. Behind the motel. Not hotel. No. Motel. And he said, I will never do this again. Yeah, well, that's nice. So he spent probably $10,000 or something.

And they've got great crawdads. That's good. Yeah, because you know kids. When do your kids meltdown after how many hours? Being out? Yeah. Two starts. Max.

Yeah. So you get there. You're in the part. You're not getting into. into the amusement park until two hours. Since waking them up, tram, parking lot, now, you got to buy tick now. And then you get in there, we want some chicken fingers? No.

Now. Plus, I don't know. I need to get my ratings up before I can afford the fast pass where you actually get to cut the lines and everything. I was going to say ratings with your family, they rate you? I got, they do. They're going to rate me low if I take you to Disney. All right, here go.

In 15 years or so, scientists will discover the health benefits of seed oils. You have to guess what I would say. Mr. Davies, could you please give me a point? I say no. Is it? They will. Here's why. You think so?

Because the seed oils are of the devil. We all agree. They're poison. They cause inflammation or whatever. And which are the popular ones? The canola. Okay. Which is, canola was the rebrand.

I think of something called rapeseed oil. That's not a joke. All right. There's. Could have used a rebrand. I could. Yeah, yeah. It was a glow up, for sure.

If there's anyone, if there's anyone, overdue for a rebrand. It's good old rapeseed oil. So now they're the devil and everyone hates them. However, the thing about science is it's largely fake. So every 15 years, everything in popular, especially nutritional science changes. Remember when they flip the food pyramid? So I bet it's not, I'm not coming out as pro seet oil.

I'm just saying this is more a referendum on science than it is on rape seed oil. And read the question again. So hold on. You're saying... In 15 years or so, yes, scientists will discover the health benefits of seed oils. Because now they've just discovered why they're bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, so they currently think they're bad.

Yes. Well, I was because we had a thing about the, like, you know, the cold plunge. Everybody's on it. And it was so, when was it last summer? Everybody's obsessed with it. And then they were like, oh, wait, this is actually just putting your heart, you're having a mini heart attack. That's why you're so, like, amped up all day.

You're like, I got so much energy. Like, yeah, you just had, you just almost went to paralysis. Yeah. Your body went into shock and it was like, pump the blood everywhere, we're drowning. Yes. Did you ever, did you ever do it? Never once. No, I mean it.

And turns out, that's not good for your body. Yeah. And they're just like, oh, my bad. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, well, we thought. Everybody's like, I can send so many more emails at work. Like, how is this event?

Well, luckily, right when that became popular, everyone had just taken a clot shot, MRI vaccine. And had started doing a bunch of six-milli lip-pillies. So their hearts were already begging, just saying, please don't know, not the cold plunge. Not anything, yeah. I know what I do instead of the cold plunge? I take a nice warm shower in the morning, like a normal person. And just wake up and say a prayer.

And then I go to work. And then they were so insane because they were like, they were putting ice in there. And they were like going to the Arctic. And then there's like there's like retreats, like cold plunge retreats. I go, just forgive your parents. Like, this is too much, dude. It's okay. Hey, I'm depressed, too.

Yeah, fine. You got your dad's phone number right there. Just call him and say, Dad, I'm coming home for Christmas. Maybe the seed oils weren't a problem, dude. All right, here we go. Sent in by a listener. I'm not sure, actually. The Diddy files are worse than the Epstein files,

but we likely won't get to see either. I'm going to say, guaranteed, We're not going to see either. But the Diddy files are worse than the Epstein files. You would say... What would I say? Hold on. Let me think what I say about this. All right, I'm ready.

I think the Epstein files are worse. Yes. Yeah, you agree. Yes. Yes. And I agree that you would also think that, which I happen to agree. What's the score? No one knows.

The letter B. Well... The Diddy stuff was widespread. It went over a long time. But to me, it seems like... like usual Hollywood. Like just, yeah, yeah, yeah. There's no ulterior, it's just a bunch of people not having boundaries.

Yes, and that's how it goes. That seems like an international spy ring or something, right? I think, yeah. Although maybe people say Diddy's a Fed. Kanye West said Diddy was a Fed. But Kanye West is a lot of things. Yeah, Kanye West. It should be, do you believe Kanye West in everything or nothing?

And we have to choose. I mean, I could, I think the Epstein, there's a little bit more money and power. Yeah. Diddy said I got $5 million to bit. They're like, five million, did what? You're kidding me? It's the Cannapea budget, one Epstein dinner. I make this this afternoon.

Yeah. There's, it tends to be more sinister, I think, because there's more. Plus, what's, did he doing it in New York City? Yeah. Or you're like, dude, talk to me when you got to fly to a private island. An island off the other island that you have to land in. Yeah. Yeah, because then, because they know what the international law is.

Now, granted, there's not many laws in New York City. That's true. But if you go, yeah, where are you going to the Diddy party? Yeah, floor six. We're like, what? Fine. Yeah, I don't love it. I don't love it, but I don't know.

We'll be in the parking garage, dude. And, well, who's in jail? Diddy's in jail? But Epstein was in jail. And they're probably both going to end up in the same place. Is he still a lot? What's the end up in the same place? No, he's not a lot.

They're both going to- What's that joke? Oh, I thought you meant. No. And hell. And after that. I know. I was to make sure everybody got that joke. I don't think Epstein is still alive. Do you? No, Tupac is. But Epstein. No, Tupac's alive for sure. Yeah. Epstein?

And Biggie killed Epstein. Yeah. 100%. Yeah. Yeah. I don't believe it's alive. Granted, I didn't know who he was before. No. No. Did anyone? This is what happens in the news, though, is there's like a news story. and then everyone reads half an article or like four tweets and just becomes an expert on it. It's like, I was saying, I was saying 45 minutes ago. Oh, yeah. I like those TikTok investigators. Remember when the murder happened here in Nashville?

Not the murder, sorry, the kid that went in the river. Remember that? There's all these, like, guys in their apartments like, all right, I'm like, what? What? Hold on, guys, be quiet. Let's hear this guy out. Let's hear this guy out. He's unemployed, but he, I think he knows.

I think he knows. He read some tweets. Guys, be quiet. Let's listen to the real. Yeah, not the news, no. There's so much more to say. First, though, go to good ranchers.com. Use code Knowles.

This Christmas season is about tradition, gathering around the table with family, sharing meals together, celebrating what makes America great. But between the crowded grocery stores, the questionable meat sourcing, preparing that perfect Christmas feast, has become more stressful than it should be,

which is why I trust Good Ranchers. You know, the deeper reason I trust Good Ranchers is that they have the best meat. 100% American meat, no antibiotics, no hormones, premium steakhouse quality cuts. They have the best meat at insanely low prices, come right to your door, pre-trimmed, individually vacuum sealed. It's just out of control for Christmas. You've got to make sure you stock up on your Good Ranchers. Do it for your Christmas dinner, but do it also for gifts.

You can get luxury gift boxes. You can get the Michael Knowles box. It's just fantastic. Good Ranchers, Code Knowles right now. You will get to pick a free gift that is included in every box for a year. plus $25 off your order and free express shipping. Go to good ranchers.com. Use code NOLS to claim this exclusive offer,

good ranchers.com, American meat, delivered. All right, here we go. People say Democrats have no sense of humor, but that's not true. They're always talking about women's rights. Looking at the camera. Yeah, they are always talking about women's rights. Yeah.

Yeah, I agree. And you said, they got a good sense of humor? Yeah, well, hold on. I'm just, they're talking. about it. It's a fact. Yeah. They are talking about it. Yeah, that's fine. I would say. I would say the right has a better sense of humor. For sure. Derns of being made jokes. You know what? I think every time I go, I mean, I spend a lot of time making jokes around right-leaning things. NASCAR, you know, college football.

I would say, we used to do a thing on our podcast where you used to choose, is it right or left. We used to do car brands, Chevy, right or left. You know, you just guess. Ford, right or left. For some reason, I would say Chevy left. That's what? We'd always do this. So we're like, what is NASCAR right or left? NASCAR's right. Yes. Yeah, without saying it, they pray to Jesus, by the way.

Really? Yes. I haven't watched it. Live. Really? They pray to Jesus live before the race. That's great. Which I don't know.

They're like, God, please keep us safe. We're going to fire these things on. Ford's definitely on the right. For sure. Ford was a little bit. He was kind of extreme on the right. Yeah, but not like, what is the Ford Focus? Might be left.

That's true. But Ford is rolling over in his grave. Ford as a brand, it would be right. They put out newspapers and things. It was in the past. Tesla could go either way. You're right. You like the libertarians.

Yeah. Like Elon's a libertarian. Yeah. Libertarians, sometimes they have purple hair. Could go either way. Yeah, right. Or they're, you know, just give me my money and my guns. But the Democrats, I would say, you go to a NASCAR race and you're making fun of that,

they're like, they're like, they have a mullet and they have like an overalls and like crocs on. Yeah. But they know. They know it's, they know, they know, they're in on it. They're like, yeah, we know this is funny. Get me in your video. Yeah.

It's funny. Yeah. There's never anything. I'm not, where would be the funnest left-leaning activity? That you, they're like having a good joking time. Uh, doesn't, everything's very serious. The nearest, truly the nearest would be just doing drugs. That's what they, that's what they're, that's pretty fun.

fun. But the thing is, I've always found I never got into, I've never done hard drugs. Even if I had a little of the devil's lettuce, you know. That's one of the prompts. Even if I had the, you know, on occasion, maybe a little of the old sin spinach, I found it made other things sometimes seem funnier, but I got much less funny. Okay, yeah, yeah, you weren't as funny. I just, I just got stupider. You weren't, you weren't, you weren't on it. I wasn't on it. Not like you're on it right now. Yeah, exactly. You're like, I got to get hammered if I'm going to go to this. WMBA game to enjoy it. I mean, I just, I guess that would be funny. That would be a funny

But everything seems so serious. Yeah. And but we'll, hey, listen, we'll open it up to everybody. I'm sure most right-leaning people are watching this, but we'll come. Me and you. Yeah, yeah. We'll go. Tell us a left-leaning fun event. Yeah, yeah. We'll go. Please. Yeah, we'll go learn. Yeah, and we'll never have to leave our homes. Oh, here we go. Now, this one makes, this one, at least grammatically, is going to be easy to choose. A small colony will be established on Mars in our lifetime. Now, let's get a couple things straight here. I don't know.

How long are we living? I'm 40. If the, I'm 34. Okay. If... Were you going to put us to 80? 90? If we're lucky, I don't know.

Or they might come up with some seed oils. Right. And we could go 120. Well, that, Silicon Valley wants us to live to 500. I don't really want to 500. Yeah, yeah. I don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you're talking 60 years is a stretch. That's like the crazy stretch. So let's say 50. Yes. Max. Colony on Mars and 50 years? What is a colony? What is a woman?

Matt? I don't know. I would say how many people, that has to be like the Mayflower. It has to be a Mayflower equivalent. The Christopher Columbus equivalent, led by Elon Musk. Imagine Elon Musk then in 1492, with that 600 years. then he gets canceled like Christopher Columbus. And then they discover that he's secretly a Canberso Jew.

Oh, secret. Did you hear that about Columbus? Yeah, I don't know if I believe. After all this time. Yeah, that's what they said. Okay, a colony on Mars would be established in our lifetime. Yes. Choice hotels get you more of what you value.

Here's a little tune to help you remember. Same drive, different day. Don't you wish you were getting away? Pack your bags and come on through. Texas, Ohio, Alaska. We're up there too. Comfort in It's calling your name

Save on the stay Oh And free waffles are yours to claim Well, I hope you like my little song Book Direct at Shoreshiltails.com I say no. No way.

No way. No way. That's all fake. Yeah. Because there's no such thing as outer space. Wow. What is up there? Did I?

You can go for it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I believe in outer space. I believe in the spherical. Okay, I've heard a lot of conspiracy. I didn't know that was one of them. You know, the flat earth and the sort of the celestial... And they just made it.

Crystal domes. Okay, nobody's been up there. Yeah. But I believe in outer space. Yeah. And I believe that Mars exists. But we're not going. We're not going.

We're not going. Listen, I told... My roommate who goes, dude, he heard about Elon going to Mars. And he goes, they're looking for people. And he goes, I'm going to apply. I go, dude, what contribution? You've made no contributions to Earth, my guy. We're sitting here at 2.30 in the afternoon.

You got Dorito dust on your fingers saying you're going to, what, you can't cook, you can't harvest, you can't fix anything. Can he fly like nuclear power jet craft or no? He's on Southwest. Sea boarding group. Where are you going, dude? You got a long way to go. They're not going.

Before he contribute to Mars. If people want to go to Mars, just say, again, just forgive your dad, number one. Or just say you want to end your life. Yeah. And then we'll give you some anti-depress. It would be a suicide trip. What are you doing? Yeah.

Also, Earth is nice. Earth is, have you seen any of the photos of Mars? Have you seen any of the moon? Yeah. Why do we, what? Who would want to go there? Earth is beautiful. and wet and verdant.

And you can put a seed in the ground and food comes out of it. And then you can harvest it, squeeze the oil out of the sea. Tell us anywhere in the universe where that exists and we'll... Yeah, yeah. It's total. The Mars thing, it's fake news. You are, you likely are not going to heaven unless you physically break the surface of the water when you're baptized. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

This was clearly written by my evangelical Protestant producer. But that's about something of it. That's something of mine. But I also... Read it again. You likely aren't going to heaven unless you physically break the surface of the water when you're baptized. Now, does this... If you think of the more traditional high liturgy baptisms,

if the priest pours the water on your head, is that breaking the surface of the water? Or not? No. We're talking about full immersion. Full immersion, which would be baptists. What tradition did you grow up? Catholic. Catholic.

Macrull, Snap, and Papist. Oh, so not even Christian. No, I didn't mean that. It's a sect of Islam, actually. What kind of Catholic? In New York? Yeah, well, I grew up Cradle Catholic, but I became an atheist at 13. Okay.

And then I was brought back, the short version of it is, I was brought back by Ben. By Ben? Wow. It's really, they have very cool hats in that new form of Catholicism. No wonder he gave you the watch. Welcome back. Welcome to heaven. I was brought back in by a lapsed.

Catholic who became a mega-church evangelical Protestant in France, who then reverted to Catholicism, introducing me to the arguments made by a Calvinist analytic philosopher at a Catholic university, followed by C.S. Lewis, kind of a Protestant, into Chesterton, was a Protestant when he wrote Orthodoxy, became a Catholic, back to the Catholic Church. And that's how you got here. It was dizzying. Wow. Yeah. That's like religious trans. You don't know which one you are. You're always going back to the Catholic Church. You finally see. Who are you? You've come back. At the end of our travels, we arrive where we start. Well, I did, I think after COVID, I went to this series called the First Time Visitor.

And I just went to every church. I went to all of them. I got, I'm going to just see. I went to cowboy churches. I went to Pentecost, dancing churches, black churches. I went every, I went all of them. I go, I want to see which one. And everybody does baptism different. Yes. Now, Z, you're guessing me. You've got to guess me, I guess. And read it again. You likely are not going to heaven unless you physically break the surface of the water when you're baptized.

Okay, but that's a confusing question. It's very good. You're likely. If you... No. Meaning. Well, it's kind of a double negative. No, you are...

You're likely not... I disagree with that. I'm saying you're... You're saying, yes. Yeah. No, you are not less likely to go to heaven unless... Okay. Correct.

I don't. Fuller emotion versus pouring over doesn't matter. However, our Lord tells us you have to be baptized. He does. Some people today, they minimize the sacraments and even baptism. And that's what you guys got a, you guys got a stranglehold on the sacraments. Pretty robust on the sacraments. Yeah, you're a big sacrament energy. Yeah.

Yeah. Big sacraments over there. But this is, you know, in modernity, we say that all the physical world. What's modernity? Yeah, it's swimming in it. No, like, you know, the modern world. Oh, modern. Okay, yeah, yeah.

We are, we, we tend to believe that physical things don't matter. So we're iconoclasts. We now say the body doesn't matter. You can be a woman or whatever. Yeah. Oh, great point. You, I think you have to be baptized. Yeah.

But we could do, we could do it, probably not with this. No, but I could baptize you with this. Yeah. Because you were like, well, is it full immersion? Does it in the baby, you were dunked? I was, yeah. I don't know. I don't know how the vigorous they were with me.

Yeah. At least a little pouring on the head. Yeah. Yes. Well, because, you know, they go, well, we don't, like, in Catholicism, the grape juice or the wine becomes the blood. Yes. And the host becomes the blood. Yes. And I don't, and I don't, like, I have, I used to talk about how, I don't, like, I don't, like, I still have, the God of the Old Testament. I, like, I still, I still, he's still around. Yeah, yeah. And, like, I know the judgment, he's going to, like, the, all that, but, like, he's the same guy. But, like, when the rap. But, like, when the rap. Like, wear the cross necklaces. I go, I'd be careful with that. Yeah. I don't, I don't, like.

I wouldn't take it lightly. Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I go, you're, like, you see, like, you know, when Lil Nazex wore that, like, the Jesus on the, and I go, in the Jesus' blood in the shoes, I go, I don't, I, you don't see, I, you don't see that. But I go, I would be careful with that. Yes. I don't know. Does that make sense? It does. It makes a lot of sense. Because there is actually a verse that is very, like when... In your Bible or mine?

You know, in the correct one. The only lack. You know, God is not mocked. Yes. So, like, when these guys, look, I think if a rapper is kind of interested in the symbols of Christianity, it kind of leads him, okay, good. But if you're going to be like Little Noss X, about Twitter, working. Directly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. If you did the thing on the devil, you remember that. And I would, who am I? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did I still say, oh my gosh, just in case? Yes, I certainly, yeah.

I'm not saying, you're not catching me. No. Like, I feel like guys, like, is, like, I better heard an S.H. Yeah. Like, I'm, hey, yeah, I'm, like, I'm, I'm, like, I'm, I'm, I'm still, like, people are looser with the rules, you know, when I was growing up, and now, you know, now, they're, you know, There's R-rated movies that kids are watching or they're like, you know, they kind of don't respect authority anymore. I go, y'all, like, you're not going to catch me on this. Not at all. I'll still take my hat off for a prayer.

Yeah. Just in. Yeah. As you should. Yeah. You know what's coming back, women wearing veils in church. Have you seen this? Is it?

Yes. There was a whole article about it even. Yeah. So you know it's real. Yeah, it has to be real. I've noticed it. It's all the young ladies. Well, we need to get back.

We need to get back a little bit to the show a little respect. Yeah. Yeah, I'll still wear it. Now, if you, the tricky thing is at meals. So, I pray before meals. But, you know, you know, a Mexican restaurant before chips? Yeah, this is a big question. Yeah, see, that should be the next question. And especially, it's also, like, if you're sitting with people who are not believers, do you, like, what I prefer to do is scream the grace in their faces. Got to, yeah, so they get it. Yeah. I think that's all.

Do you go before, I mean, obviously, if they bring out bread, I'm not praying before bread. You pray before the main course. I think it is acceptable to pray before the main course. I will. What if you're only getting appetizers? Yeah, I actually, I pray before the bread, generally. You do? I will sometimes pray before eating like a jelly bean.

I will. Call it a little scrupulous or something. Yeah. Yeah, but you get up there in the end, you go, well, glad I was safe. Yeah, yeah. You're like, yeah, but Michael, what about all those other sins? Yeah, yeah, really. Like, oh, well, hold it.

I thought, you noticed those? Yeah. You sure? We had pebble ice. Yeah, I know. What am I slushy? All right, my turn? Mm-hmm.

Here we go. Chick-fil-A's been on a slow yet steady decline since they stopped allowing employees to hand-make their lemonade. Certainly. I, you know, it's, they got, every city you go to, it seems like there's one popping up. Mm-hmm. But I, I used to work there. And this is, I'm guessing this is a story where I was in charge of making the lemonade and I got, you know, it's three things in there. Water, lemon, sugar.

That's it. That's it. That's it. That's all you need. And they pray for it. Yeah, probably. I'm sure they do. Got the water, got the, and I was 15 years old, by the way.

Saturday afternoon, packed. Got the water, got the lemonade. There's three people waiting at the counter. We need some, yeah. Couldn't find this third. Nowhere to be seen. I'm a new employee. This is my, I go.

Let's go. Yeah, yeah. Five gallons. Yeah, yeah. You can't just. Your forearms clean. Yeah, did I got it in there? I got it in there.

I got a mix all up and I went and said. Did you have a, like a glove on or anything? No. No. No, short sleeve. Raw. Sure. Okay.

All right. Yeah. Wow. You got a phrase for everything, but you weren't going to say rod. I respect that. I respect that. I respect that. We're trying to be a family program.

No, I don't think that's. Now they use that phrase if you just fly on an airplane but don't watch a movie. Yeah. Yeah. Have you done it? Yeah. No, I don't have it. No, that's crazy.

I once heard, I'm not going to say who was that a very serious presidential candidate and governor of Florida, but I'm not going to say who. Okay. That he does that. Is he related to me? Is that who we're talking about? Yeah. No. Same last name as me?

No. No, no, not that one. Okay. All right. Yeah. No, that guy is so. decadent? He'd probably be eating like, that's what people think I'm related to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's old. I would never think so low of you. Oh, yeah. No way. They're on a steady decline. No, it's your time. Is it my turn? Yeah. Okay. A woman will be the president. I know, they're all the women in a woman will be the president of the United States

in our lifetime. A woman will be president in our lifetime. And we're saying, And this before Mars, I guess. Mm-hmm, yeah. You think... Mr. Davies, would you please give me another point? No, I don't think so.

You don't think so. I agree. Yeah, I don't think. But I thought you would say yes. The country is becoming decadent and ridiculous and all the rest of it. Yeah. However, I was talking to a female friend of mine. Breaking news.

Yeah, I was. Yeah, she says, You know, Michael, I just, I know it's politically incorrect. And I don't think you can do an accent. I can't. Listen, she's from Mexico. Well, Michael, you know, I don't, I don't, I don't, no, it's politically correct, but I don't want a woman to be president.

Yeah. She said this to me. Yeah. And I think many people, including many women, have that prejudice. Yeah. I think 2016 to 2024, you compare those two elections. Yeah. Trump won men by, like, one.

more point. Okay, yeah. He won women by, or he didn't, he, he, Kamala lost support among women by like seven points. Really? Really? They don't, they're not voting for the lady. Yes. Look, you can say that's good or bad. I don't, I'm just saying that's, talk to them, talk to them. Talk to them. Talk to the ladies. So you think it won't happen? I don't think, not yet. It could at some point. I would, didn't, didn't you, wouldn't you, wouldn't you have thought that it, not, not in terms of those candidates, but in 2016, 24, 24, this culturally would have been the time. Except you got to remember,

there's a gap between the elites who want to castrate your children and ordinary people. Yeah. And ordinary people are not, they're not that progressive, actually. They don't. Turns out, they look at their paycheck

and go, what's this being taken out of here? They didn't really quite... Think about the women, too. First of all, if Dragon Lady Hillary couldn't rest that power from the middle. I don't know that any other woman would. And the women who strive to be president, I don't think they're the most popular women, among men or women. Interesting take. Yeah. They're not the ones that you want to hang with.

No. Queen Elizabeth? Sure, I'd make her Queen of America, whatever. I think I'm good? Yeah. You want her on the show? I think I'm good. Can someone get her? Yeah. Queen Elizabeth? Yeah. But it's an interesting point. Who would you, who would you pick? Yeah, not that we've seen. Well, luckily, there won't be any more presidential elections now that Trump is back in. Okay, yeah, yeah. We'll go to Baron, Octavian.

And then we're going to get, somebody's going to dig this up in 40 years. We told you. Yeah. Yeah, like, yeah. Or the mayor of the mind that I don't even have genders. That's true. Yeah, they're going to hear. Think about it this way, though, if they dig this up in 40 years.

Yeah. And we're now several decades into Emperor Baron Octavian's reign. We're going to look like geniuses. Yeah, we're going to look like geniuses. That's what I tell myself every day. Just like our parents are like, dude, we got to shoot this eight-track tape. We're going to be like, okay, so there's this website called YouTube. And they're like, what was it?

It's like, okay, so like you could just upload. Like anything. First of all, you had to find internet. And they're like, so internet wasn't everywhere? You're like, no. Internet? Yeah, so there was this thing called the Internet. And it was mostly.

Yeah, yeah. But there were sometimes card games that you could watch. And there was the AOL, and then there was this website called YouTube. Yeah. And anybody could put whatever they want on it? Yeah. Yeah. But they couldn't just think it in AI and it would go up there.

They could do anything they wanted. But it was mostly cat videos. Yes. They had to film it. And then go and then press upload. And it would take, like, sometimes it would take an hour. They're like, what? Yeah.

Yeah. They were just talking to us in like the glass jars that were preserved in, plugged into the Matrix. We're still feeling good, though. Australia. Finally did something right when they banned social media for kids under 16. Australia finally did something right. When they banned social media for kids under 16. Easy.

Easy. That's not even... That was a weak question. A fine point for me, but that's a weak question. Who disagrees with that? Yeah. Yeah. They are a penal colony that they do all sorts of terrible things.

Yeah. But that... I'll overlook that. That's a no-brainer. Yeah. Yeah. We should... If anything, it should be...

like, just a blanket. Like, yeah, you don't have it. Yeah, no phones. We didn't know about it. Yeah, we didn't have, yeah, you don't have anything. No. You can't be, it can't be out here on the internet. No.

But they can't, you can't, you can't buy a cigarette? Yeah. Can't vote? You can't, what else can't you do? Get a tattoo? I think giving your kid access to the internet, other than in the most circumscribed way, where like you're just over their shoulder,

well, you're just, work or whatever. I think it's child abuse. Wow. I think it's child, because they're just going to either, Most likely they're just going to look at porn. They're going to find it. They're going to...

But let's say they don't even get into the porn. They're going to be on social media. They're going to get all these kind of weird body issues and they're going to talk to weirdos. And it's just... There's no good to come from that. You could argue we shouldn't have it. Yeah, true.

You're right. And we're adults. Why are we doing this show? That's insane. We should have this show. Yeah. It's an interesting point. Yeah, I don't think...

60? I mean, I didn't, when did you start? We were at the, you know, at 16. I remember getting my first computer, and I remember getting the internet. I was like six when we got the internet dial-up. And then I had a MySpace. My user handle was something to the effect of Italian Stallion or something. We're going to find it. We're going to look it up. It's somewhere. Italian style. And then I get, I had Facebook pretty quickly. Yeah, earlier. But it's like 2000, what? Five, six. Okay. Yeah. When you had to have a college. Yeah, yeah. It was like they did, and they brought it to high schools, yeah. But then you get, but like the idea that I remember being up, like with AOL, instant message. I think what they're talking about social media is like, we should not be conversing. No. With criminals. No.

Or like your kids, when you're talking about the internet where you can, I think a kid could go on with some control YouTube. Yeah, maybe. Look at whatever, yeah, or maybe go, yeah, I don't know, with the parent watching. Maybe the Michael Knowles show. Yeah, yeah. exclusively, anything from Daily Water. But once you get it, I remember somebody like messaging me on Instant Messenger.

And I was like, what is going on? It was like a woman. And I was like, wait. It was not a woman, by the way. I've been chasing that high ever since. Talking Matt, Matt said it was not a woman. What is a woman? It wasn't who you were talking about.

For sure. Many prescribed psychotropic drugs actually work by damage. the user's ability to sense spiritual realities. How would I answer that? Yes, only inclusively, though. Because they actually work by dampening your sense of everything. A lot of things. You just become insensitive.

But part of that is grappling with spiritual reality. So I'm not saying it dampens your ability to see demons or something. It just deadens your perception of everything. Who cares about what people say about me on Twitter? I now care about nothing. I care about nothing. Yeah, this is not a hype. Yeah, this is not a height.

I can't feel anything. Yeah. Those are bad. Those, you know, one in five women are on those drugs. Really? Yes. One in five women. What is included in them?

You know, like all the antidepressants. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, I'm not saying like LSD or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like the antidepressants, all the head of psychedrogs. Psychotropic drugs. Yeah, yeah. You said psychedelic. I believe, I want to go back to the tape.

I believe I said psychotropic. Okay. All right. The psychedelic drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. In some cases, I don't know. I wonder if they actually open one up to spiritual realities.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe you shouldn't be open to me. You shouldn't be, yeah. All right. So the antidepressants is what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. And then you're just kind of like your sex drive is limited. Yeah.

And you're just kind of. Every feeling. It's just a little dim. Yeah. But you're not going to kill yourself. Yes. But they just. Except the side effect of these drugs.

Yeah. Unfortunately. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Again, it could come back to picking up the phone. Call it you're dead. In that case, it legitimately does.

And even, I was talking to my wife about this. I'm not knocking all of psychiatry and psychology. Gosh, dude, that's so great. Yeah, yeah. The conversation I was having with my wife was, it's not that all psychology is, there's something to psychology. It's just because in modern atheist life, we got rid of confession. Like, you no longer confess your sins to a minister of God.

So you just, like, talk to some guy. Yeah. And you're like, you know, my dad, he didn't hug me enough. And then they're like, great, here are some drugs. Yeah. That's it. It's just a sad replacement for sacrament. Did I think, I'm not Catholic.

But I've long since said that the, because the Catholic Church does have that figured out. Now, unfortunately, you've got to talk to a minister, and you might know him from week to week. I don't know how it actually works out. You throw your voice if you have a radio show. Yeah. I've heard. Yeah. Yeah.

But in when that, is it called a sacrament, what's it called? Yeah, the sacrament. A confession is a sacrament. Yeah. That you go, I mean, I've been in counseling or, you know, they're just like, hey, just write it down and burn it. Yeah. Meaning what? Get it out of here.

Yes. And then you usually find that you tell a buddy and he goes, oh, yeah. Maybe he doesn't say same, but he goes, oh, yeah, I knew. And you go, what? So this isn't, it's not just me? Yeah. And then you can go down the process. If you can't tell somebody, there's things you can do before that.

And then you tell somebody, and now if you've been in the practice of it, there's no shame in it. That's the other thing. And that may be what the depression was, was the... Yes. Yeah, because that's what... We should start something. We should start up. I was going to say cult.

Yeah. Finally. This is where all of this ends, I think. You know, with... I've said it before, but I'm not the first to observe it. The devil always tells you, right when you're about to sin, he's like, oh, just sin, it's no more deal. And then the minute you're sin, he's like, ha, ha, you'll never be forgiven. But it's truly, if you just, if you, at a psychological level, if you just say it.

No, you're not, you're not wrong. And then you go, hey, I have a lie, cheated, stolen. Should I verbalize those things? No, take this. Really? I mean, and I'm saying this to myself. Loud, yeah. Sorry, I'm saying this too, but that you go, we're the same. Yeah, yeah.

That you go, hey, if, like I was at the Taylor Swift concert, I went down in New Orleans, and it was great. And everybody in there was somehow the victim, or that they're struggling or some guy, this and that. And I, dude, I'm sitting in a seat that's $3,000. I go, I want to. You got the cheap seat. Yeah, and I'll go, hey, pause the show really. quick, pause the show. Everybody here, where I know you're all crying about, hey, you're doing

great. You're doing great. Just a, just a quick celebrate. You're all, you're doing very well, very, very well. Let's just keep that in mind before we're all. A little perspective here. Let me just, and that's oftentimes, if somebody goes, you know, the get out of off the internet, go to my buddy right now is in Africa. And he goes, dude, I have no problems compared to, Yeah, like I heard in Africa, some of the latte machines don't even froth the milk properly. Unbelievable. Can you imagine? What are we doing here?

I know. I know. No, this is wild. It would be more difficult to be a practicing Christian at Yale University than a practicing homosexual at Sanford University, where I graduated from. Hold on. Let me read that again with the street of face. Sorry. Yeah.

Hold on. My producer also went to Sanford and is very much a practicing homosexual. So, can you read it? just so I have it. He's like, I'm not saying for me. It would be more difficult to be a practicing Christian at Yale University than a practicing homosexual at Sanford University, which is a Baptist college in Alabama. And before we get into this, I feel like you or me need to say what practicing is. Yeah. Someone who, what are you practicing? You would have to say, who has to say, who has a robust religious life, not just, you know, praying in your own head, actually doing the

things that attain to religion. Okay. So you're not having alcohol in your dorm. You mean, if you're Catholic, you know, it's actually required. It depends on what, yeah, it depends on what, yeah, you're going to church. Going to church, praying a Bible, you're carrying a Bible with you. You're praying in the cafeteria, praying before meals. Yeah, that kind of thing.

And what is a practice? You're not, you're trying not to sin, you're, you know. Yeah, mostly that. I was just doing, yeah, yeah, you're trying to try to follow the book. And what is a practicing homosexual doing? Well, I don't, do I have a chalkboard or anything? I can, I think, I'm not an expert, believe it or even though I went to Yale. Oh, you did?

I did. But I was an atheist, so I wasn't really a practice. They should have been practicing atheists. Yeah, yeah. That's a pretty easy, yeah, actually. It would be more difficult to be practicing Christian at Yale than a practicing homosexualist. No. No, and here's why. Well, you tell me your answer, if I get it right? I think it's harder to be a practicing homosexual. Yes, yes, yes. Even though at Yale it's required to be a practicing homosexual, some people still avoid it.

The reason is that if you're Christian, you have the benefit of grace, and grace strengthens you in the virtue and all the rest. Whereas at Sanford, I imagine they're pretty strict on the weird stuff. Yeah. Yeah, and you might get a little. away with having a, you know, a rainbow coozy. Yeah. But that's about as far as that. That's it. That's about a euphemism? Yeah. All right.

Nice. The old rainbow coozy. It worked again, dude. Back when my uncle was in Vietnam, he had a few rainbow coosies. Okay. The real reason excavation of Goblecki Tepe was stopped after 5% completion is because it's connected to Noah's Ark constructed post-flood. What does mean, what do you mean constructed post-flood?

I have no idea. what he meant by that. So I'm going to leave off. What do you mean? It can't... Oh, Noah's Ark. Let's just say No. Let's just say Noah's Ark and pretend that this was written in a coherent way. No. The answer is no. Because Noah's Ark is in Turkey. In Kentucky, I thought.

Oh, yeah. I thought you're joking. That's the real one. But Gobeckli-Tepa is... I thought that was in Turkey. Is that not? It is. I think it is. It is. So then would you answer... I don't think it's connected to Noah's Ark. I don't think that's why it was stopped, at least.

Do you think that is... Why? I do not. There's always those documentaries. They were like, look at this board from a, like, from a satellite. It looks like, and I go back to the, I go back to the miracles of the Bible. Many people witnessed. You walked across the Red Sea, got to the other side, go, nah, I don't think it's real. They started complaining as soon as they got there. Yeah. You know, the people witnessed every, you saw the holes in Jesus' hands, and he go, I don't think so. Five seconds later, you're saying, you go, mm-hmm, and the unbelievable miracles of the New Testament, they witnessed them in person. Yes.

And they still go. So, I've long since said, if you're looking for, if we found that thing, it would solidify it for me. Yes. It would not. It would be, you know, they do this. It would not. There was a headline just the other day about this. what Jesus really looked like. And whenever you see past tense,

you're dealing with a big lib atheist, a non-believer. But what do they always do? So I think we have pretty good images of our Lord. I think we have a good idea of what our Lord looks like. Because we have the shroud of Turin, which strikes me as miraculous. But we have pretty consistent depictions of our Lord throughout history going back to antiquity.

And they all roughly look the same. The same. And then the Libs always basically concoct a picture of a month. on AI or something. And they say, know that. And you say, why do you think that's what our Lord looks like? And they say, well, because he was a Palestinian. Yeah, they say, that's because we found a random skull in the ground. And we say it looks like, I don't know, there are 15 people in this room. We all look the same. You're going to find our skulls. So they always do this. And what conclusions are you going to draw from it? Right. That we found the school, we found.

Also, whenever they, whenever they reconstructed, they always make him look like an orangutan or something. It's so obviously. It's so obviously. And he looks like in the, he looks like Mel Gibson. Oh, Jim Cabizel. Yeah, Jim Carbizel. Yeah, Jim Carmeas. Wallace was the one who looked like that. I mean, there's people that saw the pulling the coin out of the donkey's mouth.

Yes. And then they go, I don't believe it. Right. That happens in people's lives. People experience miracles. Yeah. And then they, five seconds, I'd say, oh, well, never mind. Including me and you, by the way.

Yes, that's right. Five seconds ago, you're just like, so where can I sin again? Yeah. Can I go sin? Yeah. They were like, we don't, we don't, God's not healing anybody that can't walk anymore. Yeah, because doctors do that a thousand times a day. And also sometimes people miraculously heal.

And that's a miracle. Yes. Yeah, that you're like, dude, that people, I've, real talk. And that's funny that we're, that I've been sober for five years. I've been sober for five seconds. Is, is a miracle. Yes. Yeah, yeah.

It is. Right, right. There is, nobody can tell me that that's not a miracle. I didn't realize this until I, you know, I, you know, buddies who are recovering addicts and alcoholics and stuff. And I always used to think when they'd say in AA or whatever, you know, you can't do this without a higher power. And as an atheist, I was like, yes, it's just you. It takes some credit for yourself, whatever. And then when I matured and actually spoke to people who have been through this and actually experienced my own, I don't know,

attempts at growth in virtue and experience of grace, you realize, yeah, no, you, you couldn't. You would be a drop-down drunk without God's grace. Let alone without just a, hey, no like you said, social media, just let anything run its course. Yes. It leads, you will die. Yes. I'm pretty sure there's a verse about that. I think so.

Yeah, I appreciate a couple verses about that. All right, here we go. When you think about it, most of Trey Kennedy's bits are basically the white woman version of blackface. Wow. Wait, hold on, hold on. Whoa, wow. Read that again. When you think about it, most of Trey Kennedy's jokes are basically the white woman version of blackface.

Who's guessing? You are. I'm guessing your answer. Yeah. No. No, what are you talking about? Do you think so? Yeah.

No. Yeah, absolutely. But I don't, I don't necessarily. I don't, necessarily a problem for a comedian to make jokes. Yeah. Well, okay, I got you there. I'm not making any specific claims about any. But as a general rule, I support comedians making jokes.

Yeah, same. So even if, even if that were the description, I'm not necessarily. Well, you just got to think about what, well, the, and I do it the same, is that, who's consuming who's consuming the product white women. Yes. So they've clearly signed off on it. Yes. Same with me. All the jokes I make

about Christianity or they've clearly signed off of it. They're the ones at the show. Yeah, yeah. But I will say, how far do you go if you were impersonating a woman? You do like, oh my God, girl, yes. Okay, you do that. Some people will go, I'll wear a wig. Yeah. Some people

go, I'll wear a wig. I'll wear a wig. I'll wear a dress. Some people say I'll have the surgery. Some people go, I'll wear the dress, I'll stuff my bra. Like, they're where, and it's where do you, where you draw the line? Well, to me it seems to depend on the propriety of the joke. Yep. One time I was driving, there was some blackface, non-traversy that was going on. It was a total. I will take credit for it. I like that. Can I use that? It's a good. You can steal. I'm going to say it's from you. Yeah. Non-traversy. That's a non-traversy. I like that. So I get in an Uber in L.A. And my driver is a black guy. But I knew he was a conservative because he was driving a Cadillac and had like an American flag somewhere.

So we're driving around. And something about Blackface came on the radio. And I said, oh, yeah, you saw that Blackface scandal? He goes, oh, man, I don't care. Like if it's in good fun. Ask them. Yeah, right. And I think, oh, it's mostly angry white liberals who are making a big deal out of this. To keep it going. To keep it going. Like, there's a kid that, like, dressed up as, like, his favorite black football player. He loves that player. Yes. What? Yeah. The usually, like, well, he's not doing that. He's not doing it in malice.

Right. Right. Yeah. Like when I dressed up as Malcolm X. Yeah. It's not in Malice. Yes. Yeah.

That's right. Malcolm X is a good one. You know who knew I wouldn't dress up as? Jesus. I would not. I know. Okay. But Jim Ceezeel did.

I... He's making a movie. Because I've done a bunch of bits about the disciples and, you know, Bible characters. And I, Jesus and Mary, I go. Right. Yes. Both. And everybody was human in the Bible.

So I imagine if, you know, my parents told me when I was going to get to everyone, everyone was going to meet them. Yeah, yeah. And I was going to meet, you know, Goliath. Not right, Goliath, he's in hell. Yeah, probably. I was going to meet David or whoever, right? Then you go, oh, I saw that bit you did about me and it was funny.

Yeah, yeah. I go, I'm not, just like the cross necklace or the, oh my gosh, I go, no. For some views, I, and I see it every now and then. And I go, I don't think I'm doing, I'm not doing a bit about our Lord or his mother. No, no, no, no, thanks. Just like, yeah, I see people from Halloween dressed up as Jesus or, you know, down in the beach. I go, that, yeah. I say, I can't say you shouldn't do it, but I go.

Unless I'm acting in persona cresty, I don't think so. You're on your own on that one. Gender reveals are a way for couples to signal that they should be avoided as friends at all costs without question. Well, is that fair? I'll give you the point because that was my gut reaction. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they all do it now. Yeah.

They all do it. Including, including, look, some are murderers. Some are but some I assume are good people. And some are, I think, I assume, good people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't like the gender reveal. They, you know, Trump is like, you know, the panel appointments? Yeah, yeah.

Me and you, gender reveals. Send it to us. We decide, we'll give you the stamp of approval. Because my sister-in-law had one, and we were down at the beach, and I knew the guy that had the helicopter. I got him to fly over and put out the confetti or whatever. And it was great. I did it for her. But, yeah, if you're saying, hey, come to my house on Saturday afternoon, when the game's on, by the way, and we're going to sit in our backyard and we're going to fill out a Q&A.

Forget about the Q&A. What do you think it's going to be? What they do is they blow things up and then people die. Oh, yeah, yeah. How many people have died in gender videos? Yeah, explosives. Yeah. Yeah.

That's the problem. I say, you know, go ahead and do it. Yeah. But just like, whatever gender, that kid better go on to be successful. That kid better go on to be successful. You know, I actually think, I told my wife, I wanted to do, I had a buddy who, for his first or second kid, he went to the bakery, gave the test results. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. And I said, oh, that's kind of cute.

I told my wife I want to do that. He goes, absolutely not. That's goshen ridiculous. I'm not doing that, man. It's what ridiculous? Goosh. I don't know if she actually said gosh. What is that? It's the French word.

Oh, go. Okay, got it. Sure, sure, sure. And so, she's absolutely not, Meg. And, but I kind of like the idea of it. However. I like celebrating things. Yeah, but I don't want to, yeah, I like, and whimsy. Yeah.

But I don't want to get my head blown off. No, I don't want to get my, yeah. I said, I just, in general, in general, and this doesn't count because this is our job. Mm-hmm. This, is, is this for the Internet? This is for the Internet? No, is this gender reveal for the internet? Oh, yes.

Is it for you? Yeah. Because have you seen like a, have you seen like a, I saw it the other day, like a kid's birthday party? I was like, this, this kid hates this. Yeah. This kid is not enjoying this. Like it's for, you went over the top of the decor and then they're like tag all these businesses that help.

I go, oh, this is for the internet. That's awful. This is for the internet. I'll go a step further. Not the kid. No kids on social media. Not accessing social media? I mean, I, people should not post their kids to social media.

Until, yeah. Until ever. Until they're 25. They don't know. They can decide. Yeah, they don't want to. Why does, you know, I think about this. Yeah.

Are using them for, for likes. It's tough. So that some stranger, by the way, there's going to be some creep out there. There's going to be, it's the internet. It's the internet. Some creep is good. Why do you want some stranger looking at internet? I think that, like, everything came around and that, you know, when the radio came out, I'm sure,

they were like, this is, right? Mm-hmm, yeah. Like, you just can't have these influences coming into your house. You don't know what they're going to say. Yeah. Right. TV came out. I can't believe.

You just have all these channels. The internet came out. Social media came out. I think I do have great hope in the future that they will figure it out. Yeah, I hope. They go, I can't believe back in like 2020s that we were just letting everybody on it. People would post their five-year-olds on, you know, Instagram so that my, Mommy can feel the adrenaline rush.

Wow. Her high school sweetheart commenting on it or something. See it. Making them jealous. Yeah. Men. Oh, this is a good one. Good one to end on.

Men should never take a paternity leave. Not because there's anything wrong with taking care of the family, but because you don't want people to think you're a lesbian. Okay. I didn't read the end of that. Hold on. Hold on. Who's guessing?

You got to guess what I think. Mention never take a paternity leave, not because there's anything wrong with it, but because they don't want people to think you're a lesbian. Does any more need to be said? I think that's it. That about covers it. Self-evident. Yeah.

Imagine, I mean, we got makeup on for this. Yeah. So we don't really qualify to speak. And I'm wearing stilettos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't see it, but I don't think if you're in a coal mine, Yeah. Are you, say, fellas, I'll be back in April.

I've got to go chest feed. I don't think so. I take the time, if they're paying for it, I'll take the time, but I'm going to play golf. Well, this is a problem. Yeah, if you're getting paid for it. This is the other real problem? Yeah. I've taken hours of paternity leave.

Yeah. Multiple. We scheduled my wife's most recent delivery. Yeah. Around the show? Around the show. Yes. Yeah.

And I came in and I did the show. I was joking. The next morning, we scheduled it. It was like, it's supposed to be Sunday. I thought we do Monday. Then you can do the show. You did it. And then I did a, actually, I did a second film shoot, and then I went back to the hospital.

And so maybe that's an extreme. But part of me says, what was I going to do? She's in the hospital with all the nurses. She told me, go away for a few hours. And then I stay home for, I'm going to change. We don't want you here. Actually, you know, you know what would be helpful? Go to work, make us some money and send me a nanny.

Not you. You have clearly shown. Your best contribution to this family is in the coal mine. The coal mine. Correct. Not here helping you make a bottle. I'll just mess that up. So if I go out and make the money, if I work extra hard, I can maybe afford one night of a night nurse.

Have you heard of, you know night nurses? Night nurses, it is the most lucrative profession on the face of the earth. They make $100 million an hour. And they come in overnight? Yes. And they sleep for a lot of the night. gosh, dude, yeah. But it is a tough job because then the baby wakes up.

My buddy said that he said before he got married, and I don't know if you take it or leave it, he said before he got married, he's a businessman. He said, hey, babe, look, if I have an hour free, you're not going to want me fixing the toilet, hanging the mirrors, doing the laundry. If I can do an hour of work on this computer, I will make this family millions of dollars. I will never cut the grass, but I will always have enough money we would pay for or have someone, and they shook hands, and they never talked about it again. This is what I tell my wife. I say, you don't want me hanging the pictures or fixing. No. Because if I can go do one hour of work

at early wires wages, I can bring home $13 to $14 before taxes. If Ben approved. And if Ben sends me my chair. And then we can hire an illegal. alien and lock him up in our home and never let him out. And we just show him what to do. He's not, we can't speak the same language. No, no, no. I think we solved it, brother. Who won? It's tied right now? Who runs this show? I have no idea. I work so hard around here to read what people put me on the, do we have a tiebreaker?

All right, ready? Forget about that. You've done enough, Mr. Davis. Okay, yeah. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Two and three. Yeah, do it. Yeah. Do it, yeah.

Two or three. And on shoot. All right. Rock paper scissors, shoot. All right. Right. Right. Shoot.

Right. Shoot. No. Let's go, baby. Come on. Dude, I was in your head the whole time, dude. Oh, my. You were in my head the whole time.

Oh, I was in your head the whole time, dude. Has anyone ever beat you? Once or twice. In the show? I've never done that in the show. Oh. That was because of the show. the producer error.

Yeah, producer error. That was devastating. Yeah. People were going to come up to me in public. And they were like, dude, I go, how did you find out about me? They go, yes or no. Yeah, obviously. Where else?

When you beat him. John, I guess I would say thank you for coming in. It was extremely well done. Go see John's tour. Jokes for humans. Let's do it. Starting in February. February.

We're back. See you next time. That was great. How many discounts does USAA auto insurance offer? Too many to say here. Multi-vehicle discount. Safe driver discount? New vehicle discount. Storage discount. Legacy. How many discounts will you stack up? Tap the banner or visit usa.com slash auto discounts. Restrictions apply. You're great at protecting your data, but lots of places could still expose you to identity theft. I thought it was safe. If that happens, LifeLock gives you a U.S.-based restoration agent who will stick by your side from start to finish.

phone calls, filing documentation, preparing insurance claims, your agent handles it all. In fact, we're so confident restoration is guaranteed, pour your money back. Isn't it nice to have someone like that on your side? Save up to 40% your first year at lifelock.com slash Spotify. Terms apply.