The Mind Over Finger Podcast - 259 Why Trying Harder Makes It Worse - The Hidden Cognitive Habit That's Sabotaging Your Best Work

Starting point is 00:00:00 You're listening to the Mind Over Finger podcast. This is episode 259. Welcome to the Mind Over Finger podcast, where we dive into the world of mindful music making, peak performance, and crafting a purpose-driven life and career. I'm your host, violinist, certified performance and life coach for musicians, and your guide to unlocking your full potential, Dr. René-Paul Gaultier. Hi everyone, welcome back to the podcast. Two things. One, this episode is one I've been wanting to record for a long time. And two, the Musician's Edge Challenge starts this Monday, April 27, and I really hope to see you in there. Here's why it matters. You have a version of yourself that shows up sometimes and plays out of their mind. You know the days,

Starting point is 00:01:01 everything clicks, you're not thinking, you're just playing. And then other days that person is nowhere to be found and you have no idea why. That gap, that's what we're closing. in five days you're going to know what creates your best playing what kills it and how to get there on purpose every single time five days 10 minutes a day completely free and we're going to close it out live on may 2nd with a workshop where we're going to put all of this together again we start monday link is in the show notes and at mindoverfinger.com i really hope to see you there. And what we're about to talk about today is exactly one of the things that has been creating that gap for you. So let's get into it. This one, this episode is coming straight from

Starting point is 00:02:03 an MME coaching. I was working with a client recently and what he shared with me was so rich and so universal that I thought more people need to hear this. He had been in a rehearsal. Difficult Passage came up. The first time he played it, it went really well. The second time was pretty good. The third time, it fell apart. And he was devastated. Not because his colleagues were upset with them. They were not. Not because they said anything. They didn't. But because in his own head, he had already decided what should have happened. I should have nailed it every time. Professionals nail it every time. That's the standard. And when his reality didn't match that expectation, the spiral started. The self-judgment,

Starting point is 00:02:59 the frustration, the fear that it would affect the rest of the performance. Can you relate? And here's what I want you to notice. The passage didn't change. His preparation didn't change. He's the same person. What changed was the weight of expectation he put on the third attempt. And that weight is what collapsed it. This happens to so many of us. And oftentimes it's not a technique problem. Let's say you've done all of the work. You're ready. So it's not a preparation problem. What it is, is a desire problem. And hear me when I say this. You think the desire to play well is helping you. It's not. Let me explain what I mean by that. When you walk into a performance wanting, needing to sound good and wanting or needing to feel a

Starting point is 00:04:08 specific way, something happens. And of course you want those things. I want those things. We all do. But that desire, that need, that expectation that things should go a certain way or feel a certain way, that just added a job to your plate, a big job. Now you're not just playing, you're also monitoring. Am I there yet? Is this it? Is it good enough? It should feel easier. It should feel better than this. And that monitoring, that checking, that constant measuring of reality against the ideal, that, my friend, that is attention. That desire for ease and flow, that's what's actually pulling you out of it. And I hear this from musicians like you all the time, the desire to sound good, the desire to not make a mistake, the desire to feel a specific way,

Starting point is 00:05:15 relaxed free in flow and when reality doesn't match that desire here's what floods in frustration disappointment judgment those three every time and what's so important to understand is that it's not the gap between what you wanted and what happened that's the problem is the fact that you had the expectation in the first place. The expectation creates the gap and the gap creates the suffering. Yes? You see this? You feel it? This actually is one of the core Buddhist concepts. Desire creates suffering. Not because desire is bad. It's not. But because when we're attached to a specific outcome, when we need things to be a certain way, anything that is different from that creates tension. Anything that's not it creates tension.

Starting point is 00:06:23 And in performance, that tension is physical, it's mental, and it's emotional all at once. because you can't think clearly anymore. It pulls you out of the moment. It puts you in your head when where you need to be in is your body. It creates cognitive dissonance. You like what I did just there? And there's science behind this too.

Starting point is 00:06:54 When you walk into a performance with strong expectations, you're essentially activating the prefrontal cortex, the analytical evaluating part of your brain. You're running a checklist. Is this right? Is this what I expected? How does this compare to what I wanted? Is it up to par? And the prefrontal cortex, as useful as it is in the practice room, is not your friend in performance. In performance, you want to be in the doing, in execution, in presence. You want the body to do what it has been trained to do, and you want to get out of its way. Every time you catch yourself monitoring,

Starting point is 00:07:44 Is this good enough? Does this feel right? Why doesn't it feel the way that I want it? Why doesn't it sound the way that I want it? You're pulling yourself back into analysis. And the moment you are analyzing, you're no longer performing. You're watching yourself perform. And that's a very big difference. People are not there to watch you watch yourself perform. They want to experience you. The paradox of performance, and I love this, is that presence isn't something you create.

Starting point is 00:08:30 It's what's left when you stop getting in the way. And the harder you try to get there, the further away it gets. The checklist is the obstacle. As Lao Tzu puts it, to the mind that is still, the whole universe surrenders. So here's the distinction I want to make. And this is really important. I'm not saying stop caring. I'm not saying stop wanting to play well. Please care. Care deeply. Please work hard. Work

Starting point is 00:09:12 incredibly hard. Please have very high expectations of yourself in the practice room. That's exactly where those expectations belong. Use them. Let them drive your preparation. Let them push you to fix what needs fixing, to refine, to improve, to grow. In the practice room, expectations are a tool. But when you walk on stage, your job changes. Your job is no longer to evaluate. It's to execute. It's to be present with what is actually happening in the moment, not with what you hoped

Starting point is 00:10:04 would happen. Not the version you imagined, but the version you're living right now. So be mentally, emotionally where your feet are. Experience your body. Receive the moment with total acceptance, radical acceptance, as Tara Brach would say. So in the practice room, expectations are a tool. On stage, expectations are an impediment. And I want to be really clear about something. This isn't soft. It's not a nice idea. that's not how I am it's not how I operate psychology has been studying this for decades and what the research keeps showing over and over is that the more you fight what's happening the worse it gets not a little worse a lot worse fighting reality doesn't fix anything

Starting point is 00:11:08 one of my favorite quotes in the world is from Byron Katie when you fight reality you lose but only every time. The fighting reality just piles suffering on top of the original problem. But when you stop fighting, when you accept what is, you get clearer, you get faster, you perform better. And that's not because you stopped caring. It's because you stop wasting all your energy on the resistance. so if you remember the client i mentioned at the beginning three attempts at the same passage first time great second time good third time fell apart nothing changed in the music nothing changed in their fingers what changed was everything going on in their head the desire

Starting point is 00:12:06 to repeat the first attempt. The fear of failing short of it, the checking, the monitoring, all of that crammed into two measures of music. Just two measures. But the head was completely full. It had an entire concert's worth of noise going on inside. So here's what I want you to walk away with today. The desire to play well. The attachment to a specific outcome. Those are the problems. And the moment you walk on stage checking whether reality is matching your expectations, you've stepped out of the performance and into the evaluation. And as I said earlier, no one in the audience came to watch you evaluate yourself. So try this. In the 60 seconds before you walk on stage, not in the practice room, not in the car on the way there, but right before you

Starting point is 00:13:10 walk out, put your hand on your instrument. Feel the weight of it. Feel your feet on the floor and take three slow breaths and then say this to yourself out loud if you can. I'm going to give what I have right now and that's enough. I'm going to be who I am right now and that's enough.

Starting point is 00:13:42 Not, I hope this goes well. Not, please let me play like I did in the practice room. I'm going to give what I have as I am right now, and that's enough. And during the performance, if you find yourself getting lost in your head, come back to your body, come back to your breath, and connect to your physical experience. that's it that's the whole shift and if you're worried let me reassure you you're not lowering your standards you're removing the obstacle that's been sitting on top of your playing the whole time and what shows up when you get out of your own way

Starting point is 00:14:33 well that's the playing you've been working towards this whole time the plane you cannot control your way into you can only get there by letting go and if you want to go deeper with this the challenge is exactly where we're going to do this work because before you can release an expectation you need to know what it is and most musicians have never stopped long enough to look at the specific expectations they carry into every performance. The challenge, the musician's edge, is where you find yours in a you way, not a general way. And once you see those ways, you can work with them instead of being run by them. Five days, free, 10 minutes a day. We start this Monday, April 27th. We close

Starting point is 00:15:33 it out live together on May 2nd. Link is in the show notes and at mindoverfinger.com. All right, this is what I have for you today. If you'd like to revisit anything from this episode, the full transcript and the summary are just a click away in the show notes. Much love going your way and à bientôt. and there you have it thank you so much for spending this time with me today if you enjoyed this episode i'd love it if you'd share with your friends and colleagues take a screenshot post it on social media and tag me i'm mind over finger everywhere i always love hearing your favorite takeaways and if you're ready to take your playing career to the next

Starting point is 00:16:22 level. I'd love to invite you to join the Music Mastery Experience. This is my signature group coaching program where we're going to dive deep into building your confidence and mastery and set you up for success and fulfillment in your life and career. You can find all the details at mindoverfinger.com. While you're there, check out the free downloads and online courses available to support your journey even further. And don't forget to subscribe to my newsletter so you never miss an update or a tool to help you thrive. Again, thank you for being here.

Starting point is 00:17:01 Until next time, much love and à bientôt.

The Mind Over Finger Podcast - 259 Why Trying Harder Makes It Worse - The Hidden Cognitive Habit That's Sabotaging Your Best Work

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