The Mindset Mentor - 4 Ways To Make Yourself Miserable: Avoid These To Be Happy

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor, give us a rating and review however you listen to us. The reason why is because the more positive ratings and reviews that we get on these platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts, the more that these platforms will actually show our podcast to people who have never listened to it before. So if you've ever gotten value from it, please give us a rating and review. Today, we're going to be talking about four ways to absolutely make yourself miserable. And so these are four things that are stealing your happiness from you.

Starting point is 00:00:46 And to be honest with you, we all do them at some capacity. Some people out there listening do this more than other people. And also some people do it less than other people. Some people do one of these more. Some people do another one of these more. So we're gonna dive into them.

Starting point is 00:01:01 But really, if you wanna be happy, if you wanna have a happy life, these are four separate things that you should be focusing on and you should try to avoid. So let's dive into it. The first thing that it's going to make you absolutely miserable in your life is to focus on things that you cannot control. And there's a lot of psychology behind this because we as humans we have a really deep desire to try to control our environment and really this is an evolutionary trait that we have and it evolutionarily it does have its advantages this mechanism that we've built into ourselves allowed us to survive allowed our species to thrive and to continue on and so the it probably started, if you take a step back and think about it, is we

Starting point is 00:01:48 needed to control our environment 100,000, 200,000, 500,000 years ago. So what did we do? We decided we're going to live in a cave. Why? Because when you live in a cave, you can control the environment. It's a lot harder for animals to come into the cave, attack everybody, and everybody get killed, right? So live in a cave equals control environment equals less likely to be killed. Okay, that makes

Starting point is 00:02:13 sense, doesn't it? Build a teepee, control environment, less likely to be killed. Start farming is another version of controlling our environment. It means we're more likely to be able to eat, not die of starvation. Killing a neighboring tribe is controlling environment, not have them kill us first, not get killed. And so evolutionarily, it makes sense that everyone should have a little bit of a control problem built into their system. But however, in the modern world that we live in, this instinct often misfires in many different places. And what happens is we tend to find ourselves really stressed out over things on the other side of the earth that we might not be able to control. Or we find things that we're not able to control, like other people's actions, Or we find things that we're not able to control, like other people's actions, other people's emotions, the economy, and just really things that are really beyond our individual control.

Starting point is 00:03:13 And so what happens is we end up focusing on things that we cannot control. But we want to control them. It's built into our system. The reason why we want to control them is because we feel like we need to control everything. Because when you look at controlling everything, if you have something that you can't control, that's a variable, that's uncertainty. And uncertainty inside of the brain is automatically seen as a threat. And so we think, I've got to try to control everything. But here's what the problem is, is we tend to fixate and really like tend to fixate our minds on uncontrollable parts of our life. And we use a ton of mental energy worrying about

Starting point is 00:03:55 things that number one, we have no control over. And number two, we cannot change. And so one of the most common things that I hear from people is how much they spend their time worrying. And a lot of people don't think that they spend their time worrying. And then when they take a step back, they realize that a lot of their time is actually used worrying about things that they have absolutely no control over. And so when we dive into it, I actually start talking with people. What's really interesting is that the majority of time, like 90% of the time, when somebody is worrying about something, they're worrying about something that they cannot control in any sort of way. They're worrying about other people. They're worried about their children.

Starting point is 00:04:33 They're worried about their mother. They're worried about their brother who has something going on in his life. We can't control other people. We can barely control ourselves. But what happens is we get stuck and fixated on the things that we cannot control. And because we cannot control them, we start to get stressed. We start to get anxious around this. So that's like 90% of what I hear people saying that they struggle with. The other 10% is they worry about something that they can control, but it's never, almost never happening right now. It's usually they're worrying about something that they can control, but it's never, almost never happening right now. It's usually

Starting point is 00:05:06 they're worrying about something that they can control, but that thing is completely in the future. So almost 0% of what I hear from people when they're worrying about something that is something that they can control and that needs them to take action right now. So it's usually number one, things that they cannot control, other people, circumstances, things that are happening in other places around the world, the economy, that's like 90% of what they worry about, which they can't do anything about. 10% of it is they can control it, but it's not even happening right now. It's something that could be happening in the future. So it's like, oh, I, I'm worried about paying my bills in three weeks, but the bills aren't doing three or they're due in three weeks. And so what tends to happen is we

Starting point is 00:05:50 start to feel really helpless. And when you feel helpless, that can build intense anxiety. It can build intense stress within us. And so we've got to become aware of what we can and we cannot control and taking action on things that we can control. So really then the question is you say, okay, Rob, well, what do I do? Well, the key is first off is this, identify what you can control and change, and then identify what you cannot. That's the first thing. So if you're worrying about something and you take a step back and you say, hold on, this thing that I'm worrying about, can I change this? No. Can I change it?

Starting point is 00:06:28 Yes. Okay, what action do I need to take right now? So if you cannot control or you cannot change the things that you're worrying about, which once again is most things, other people, the weather, the economy, global problems, there's only one thing that you really can do. It's not easy. It's actually actually very easy but we make it so hard in our mind we have to accept them and we have to let them go because if i can't do something about it then it's taking up my energy in this moment with them there literally being nothing i can do about it so we have to find peace that everything will be okay. And when I say okay, I honestly don't mean that by okay that it's what you want it to be. But if you fast forward, most things end up being okay

Starting point is 00:07:12 that we end up worrying about. So that's if we can't change it. If you can change it, then take action and change it. Most people have things that they can change and instead of changing them, they overthink all of the things they need to do versus actually just doing it. If you can change it, get off your ass and do it. It takes more energy worrying about and thinking about and planning and planning and planning and overthinking about the things than it does just to get up and take action most times. So that's the first thing that causes us absolute misery. The second thing, if you want to be miserable, focus on what you don't have. There's a whole lot of psychology behind this as well. Comparative thinking is a trap that it's very easy for us to fall into, especially now that social media exists, advertisements exist.

Starting point is 00:07:57 They often really spark the tendency to compare our lives to other people's lives. And then what happens is instead of focusing on what we have, we focus on what we lack. And it's a habit that's rooted in a scarcity mindset. And a lot of people have a scarcity mindset, which is to focus on your deficiencies or your insufficiencies or what you don't have, what you lack. And we think we don't have it. And if I don't have this thing, okay, this person, oh my gosh, this, this influencer that I follow, they have, um, they, they fly first class. Oh, I've never flown my gosh, this influencer that I follow, they fly first class. Oh, I've never flown first class. I must be less than. And so we automatically think that we're not worthy in some sort of way. We're less than that person in some sort of way. If I only had

Starting point is 00:08:36 this thing that I lack, then Rob, I would be happy. If I only had a million dollars in my bank account, then I wouldn't be stressed out. Trust me. The stress that you have doesn't come from anything external. It doesn't come like your stress won't go away when you have money. I promise you this. It is 100% fully internal. This is a thing that I've completely realized in my life is that all of my problems had nothing to do with anything external. Everything became an internal. I was like, when I, when I, when I finally get into a great relationship, then I'll be happy. Nope. Relationship didn't make me happy. I have to make myself happy. When I finally build a

Starting point is 00:09:15 successful business, then I'll be happy. Nope. Successful business doesn't make me happy. I have to make myself happy. And I have an episode that's coming out about this in a couple weeks but it's really truly the truth nothing external can make you happy how can anything external ever make you feel a certain way happy sad mad joyful whatever it is it is all 100 if it's a state that you're in that happy as a state sad as a state mad as a state joyful as a state anxious as a state, mad as a state, joyful as a state, anxious as a state, then it is all 100% internal and it is a decision. There's many people in this world that have way less than you, way less than you, but they are 10 times happier than you are. Crazy, huh? It shows you that it's not based off of external circumstances, but it's all an internal state. So if we're constantly

Starting point is 00:10:03 measuring ourselves to other people or constantly thinking, if I finally get this thing, then I will be happy. It's causing us misery. It's perpetual dissatisfaction. It's envy. It's thinking that I can't be happy until dot, dot, dot. And what it does is it negates all of your achievements of your past, all the things that you do possess, all the things that are literally sitting in front of you that you have the opportunity to be grateful for. So you have to learn to actively cultivate a gratitude mindset and a feeling

Starting point is 00:10:33 and a state of gratitude in your life and start turning it into a routine of acknowledging what you have in your life, appreciating what you have in your life. And you shift your focus from scarcity to abundance. Journal what you're thankful for. Write a thank you note to somebody. You know, figure it out a way to start seeing the things that are around you that you have to be grateful for. The people, the places, the things. Even if you're just, even if you're homeless on the streets right now, but you're

Starting point is 00:10:59 somehow listening to this podcast, you're breathing and your heart is beating. That alone is something to be grateful for. So one thing that I've tended to focus on and what's really helped me out when I noticed that I'm in a place of lack and maybe I feel stressed out or whatever it might be, is I'll meditate in the morning and then I'll go outside on my back porch and I'll bring my coffee with me. And for 30 to 45 minutes, and this is something I've been doing routinely for the past couple of months now, every morning I'll go outside and I'll drink my coffee in complete silence. I don't bring my phone with me, none of that. And I just think about in silence, all that I have to be grateful for. And what I realized is that if I start my day with gratitude,

Starting point is 00:11:36 it permeates into my entire day and I feel way better. So that's the second thing. If you want to be miserable, make sure you pay attention to all things you don't have. The third thing that you want to do if you want to be miserable is to really fixate on the past. Really just only think about the past because we as humans, we have a tendency to ruminate. We replay all of our past mistakes, all of our missed opportunities, all of our lost relationships, everything that we don't have that we used to have before, how it was the good old days in the past, or we had trauma in the past. And it's really, it makes sense evolutionarily as well, where it's a deep-seated fear of repeating mistakes. Makes sense if you think about it from an evolutionary standpoint, why we would not want

Starting point is 00:12:22 to have past mistakes come up today because we don't want to be killed or injured or any of that. But when you actually look at it in this day and age, the past means nothing. It doesn't. The past does not affect you in any sort of way right now. Now, I know this is going to trigger some people because you're like, oh, no, Rob, but you don't know me. I am the way that I am because of my past. I am the way that I am because of how my mom treated me, because my dad treated me, because you know, I had bullying in school or because I was whatever it is, right? No, you are the way that you think you are is because of your perception of what the past was. You are not who you are because of the past. You are who you think you are

Starting point is 00:13:06 because of what your perception of the past was. I know many people who have had terrible childhoods and they have incredible lives right now. I know people who had great childhoods and they have terrible lives right now. So it doesn't mean that the past is going to dictate your present or your future. Now, oh no, I'm like this because of my parents. Any trauma that you have from the past that was you when you were a child, that is not your fault. It's not. But it's your responsibility to figure out how to get past it.

Starting point is 00:13:38 Like my father being an alcoholic and passing away when I was 15 years old. And all the trauma that comes from that, all the trauma from the different forms of neglect of forgetting to pick me up and whatever it might've been and not being around, that's not my fault that my father was that way, but it is my responsibility as a 37-year-old man to get past that trauma.

Starting point is 00:13:58 It happened, there's nothing that I can do about it except for learn and grow from it. So how do you learn and grow from it? Well, first off, you have to stop making excuses for why you are the way that you are or why your life is not what you want it to be. And you start using it as a learning lesson, as a source of strength to grow and get better from. And constantly thinking about the past and how you wish it would have been, what does it do? It consumes so much of your mental energy so much of your emotional energy

Starting point is 00:14:25 of something that no longer exists it was just a fleeting moment it's gone so if you're focusing on that how could you ever fully be present if you can't stop thinking about the past so what do we do we learn to accept same thing that we talked about the other ones we have to accept these things it happened nothing we can do about it can Can't change it. But we can learn from it. We can move on. So that's the third thing. If you want to be miserable, make sure you focus on the past a lot. And number four, if you want to be miserable, worry about the future. Worry about the future as much you can. Worrying about the future is one of our basic survival instincts. We do have it. We're constantly anticipating and preparing for all of these potential threats that

Starting point is 00:15:05 could come down the road. We always are kind of mentally and physically and our nervous system is just a little bit on guard. But excessive worrying about the future, especially things that are fully beyond our control, like we talked about in number one, leads to a lot of stress. It leads to a lot of anxiety. It's just a lot of wasted energy as well. If you've been listening to podcasts for a long time, you have heard this statistic many times, but psychologists have found that 85% of what you worry about and what I worry about and what we all worry about will never happen. 85% of what we worry about will never happen. Out of that remaining 15%, 12% of it will happen

Starting point is 00:15:41 better than you think it will, which means that only 3% of what happens to us is as bad as we're worrying about, which means that one out of every 33 circumstances that we worry about will be what we think it's going to be. 32 out of 33 times, it's not going to happen or it's going to be better than we thought it was going to be. Do you want to know why a lot of people worry? It's because really, we fear the future and worrying gives you a false sense of control. It does. It makes you feel like, oh, I'm at least controlling this thing that I worry about. So when you worry about the future, it creates a constant state of fear and anxiety, and it robs you of the joy of the present moment. You can't be present if you're constantly thinking about the past

Starting point is 00:16:25 or if you're constantly thinking about the future. So right now in this moment, if you're worrying about the past, worrying about the future, you're actually not 100% here. And how could you ever fully enjoy your life if you're not 100% here in this moment? So it robs you of all this joy of the present moment. And it can lead to a lot of physical symptoms when we worry about the future as well insomnia fatigue a ton of stress-related disorders inside of the human body come from it as well and so what can we do you know it except except

Starting point is 00:16:57 that the future is not here it's not here yet what is here this moment this present moment our mind is always in the past almost always in moment. Our mind is always in the past, almost always in the past, or almost always in the future. Our body is always here. So do some breath work or some breathing exercise. Bring yourself back to the present moment because right now is all you will ever have. So why don't you bring yourself here and stop being so miserable? So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you don't follow me on Instagram yet, I'm literally right now live on Instagram doing

Starting point is 00:17:33 this podcast episode for a few hundred people. So if you want to follow me, maybe you'll be able to see these episodes earlier than when they actually come out. Once again, it is RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R on Instagram. And with that, I'm gonna leave the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - 4 Ways To Make Yourself Miserable: Avoid These To Be Happy

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