The Mindset Mentor - Advice for Perfectionists

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not subscribed to us yet, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you want more from this podcast and to work with us a little bit more and further and try to improve yourself quicker, go to MindsetMentor.com.com. Once again, mindsetmentor.com and check it out there. Today, I'm going to be talking about being a perfectionist and this idea of perfectionism. And I'm also going to talk about how basically perfectionism is ruining your life. And so, you know, I used to categorize myself as

Starting point is 00:00:43 a perfectionist when I was younger because it was almost like this badge of honor. Like people go out and they proudly claim, well, I'm a perfectionist, as if it's this sign of like having exceptionally high standards. Oh, yeah, something to be proud of being a perfectionist. But the truth is, really, when you look at it, being a perfectionist and perfectionism itself is fear in disguise. It is just a mask that you wear for your fears. So instead of saying, oh, I'm afraid of this, you say, I'm a perfectionist. And once we really understand it, we can start to overcome it. We can

Starting point is 00:01:19 live a little bit more freely from this thing. You know, so many fears and so many limiting beliefs hide behind this thing of perfectionism. And it's one of the reasons why that quote exists that says, you know, the richest place is a graveyard. It's because so many people are just filled with so much fear and I am a perfectionist. It's not perfect yet, so I'm not going to put it out in the world. Perfectionism at its core is not about being perfect because we all know, we all know, listen to this podcast, consciously in this moment, that perfection is an impossible goal. It is something that you will

Starting point is 00:01:50 never strive or you will never hit. I will never hit. There's no such thing as perfect. So no matter how hard you try, there's always going to be something that could have been different, that could have been done better. I was on a call the other day and one lady said, what happens when you record a podcast episode and you get done with it and you realize that you could have done better? And I was like, that's every single episode, every one of them. I get done with the episode, I leave and I go to my kitchen, I'm making coffee or whatever it might be. And I'm like, oh my God, I should have said this thing. I'm not going to go and rerecord an episode and add that in because then as soon as I get done with that one, I'm going to go, oh my God, I should have said this thing. So what is perfectionism really

Starting point is 00:02:27 about? At its core, it is the fear of not being good enough. It's the fear of failure. It's the fear of judgment from other people. It's the fear of rejection. And those fears paralyze us. And so what we do is we think, oh, if I just work a little bit harder or just wait until everything is perfect, then I won't get this pain and rejection or disappointment. And we're not consciously thinking it. We're consciously thinking, I just want to make it better because I want to make the best product I possibly can. I don't want to put my song out to the world yet because it could be a little bit better.

Starting point is 00:03:04 It's like the example I love to give, which is like, imagine that you go over to your friend's house and you, you go into their house and you're hanging out with them. You've known them for years and you go into their garage and in their garage is all of these paintings. And you look at these paintings, you're like, oh my gosh, Tom, this is amazing. Like these paintings are incredible. I didn't even know that you painted. Why don't you like put it on Instagram or why don't you sell them? Or why don't you have like a show or something? And he's like, Oh no, no, I can't do that yet. You know, like if you look at this one, it's not perfect yet. It's still got a little bit extra things. I could add some colors to this one.

Starting point is 00:03:38 And also this one right here, like I could change this a little bit more. So they're just not perfect yet. In reality, he is saying to himself that they're not perfect yet, but behind it is some sort of fear, some sort of limiting belief. Maybe it's the fear of like, you know what? I love this art so much. And it's the reason why I feel like I'm alive. And it is my heart and my soul. And I'm worried that if I went and I did a show and I put all of my paintings up and sold them, that I would be walking by and someone would be like, that's ugly. And they wouldn't even know, they wouldn't be saying it to me. I would overhear someone saying it to another person,

Starting point is 00:04:15 that painting's ugly. I don't understand this. Oh my gosh, this guy's charging a thousand dollars for this. I wouldn't pay $10 for it. And so there's this fear of rejection, of not being accepted, of failure, of putting your heart and soul into this thing that you want to do and then failing at it. That's what perfectionism is. It's not this virtue that we all have. It's a coping mechanism is what it really is. It's a way of trying to control our outcomes to protect ourselves from this vulnerability of putting ourselves out there. And so when you look closely, you'll find that perfectionism 100% is built on some sort of fear limiting belief.

Starting point is 00:04:57 And there's a few different ones. I'll give you examples. The three main core fears that pop up and the reason why people say, oh, like, no, I'm a perfectionist. The first one is the fear of failure. Perfectionists often look at mistakes as a personal failure. Like if they go out and do something and they make a mistake at it, that's a personal failure. If something goes wrong, they see that as a reflection of who they are as a person. So it's not something that happened externally outside of them. It to them feels like a reflection of who they are as a person. That is so much pressure to put onto somebody to do things right every single time. And so what happens is because of

Starting point is 00:05:36 the fact that they're afraid of failure, they're just thinking to themselves, well, I'll just keep working at it. I'll just keep working at it. And I'll give you a tip that my, one of my first mentors used to always say to me, she used to always say, done is better than perfect. Just getting something done is better than it being perfect. If you look at every piece of art, like famous piece of art that exists, I guarantee you every single artist a couple years later could have come that did it.

Starting point is 00:06:04 If you look at like, I think it was Michelangelo that did the Mona Lisa, right? If you had Michelangelo or whoever it was, go and look at the Mona Lisa now, he'd probably be like, well, I could have changed this around. I could have done this a little bit different, right? So nothing will ever be perfect. Done is better than perfect. And in fact, you know, art is usually better with the flaws, if we're being honest. So that's the first thing is the fear of failure. Another really big fear that pops up here

Starting point is 00:06:28 is the fear of judgment. Many people who are perfectionists are really just worried about being judged by other people, by being rejected by other people. And really what they worry about is, if I don't show myself as being flawless, then people will think that I'm less than them. What if I, you know, I really want to start putting out whatever it might be, inspirational content on Instagram, but I'm worried that I'm going to get a hater. And so what I'll do is I'll record a video and I'm like, no, it's not perfect yet. I'll record a video. No, it's not perfect yet. I'll record a video. No, it's not perfect. I'll record a video. It's not perfect yet. But in reality, what's behind all of it, and you should always ask yourself, what's behind this? What's behind this? Get really curious about yourself.

Starting point is 00:07:13 If you're a perfectionist, ask yourself this question right now. What's behind it? Because it's not perfectionism. There's something behind that. And it's this, for the fear of judgment, this constant need for approval of other people ends to tweaking or refining or changing or wanting something to be just a little bit better. And it often just prevents them from finishing whatever it is that they need to do. And so the other thing that really holds people back is this perfectionism shows up as this fear of judgment. What if other people judge me? And we will be right back. And now back to the show. And then another really big one that pops up, the third one, is this fear of being vulnerable, basically being seen. At its core,

Starting point is 00:07:59 perfectionism is really about avoiding vulnerability. So what we do is by striving for this unattainable perfection, which we know we'll never get to, and because of the fact that we know we'll never get to it, we know then we're going to protect ourselves by not putting it out there, whatever this thing is. Perfectionists think that they can protect themselves, not consciously. This is all unconscious most of the time. We think that we can protect ourselves from criticism of other people, from rejection, from shame. And so when you have something, especially something that you like really love, like I'm just saying like art or music or something that you want to create and bring it out to the world, that's like, like let's say that you do

Starting point is 00:08:41 poetry and you want to give your poetry out, but you know how damn vulnerable you have to be in order to put your poetry out? It's like standing naked in front of a group of people. It's like, that's so vulnerable. It's hard to do it. But vulnerability is part of being human. And by trying to avoid it leads to more stress, leads to frustration. And we all know that perfectionism is not something that we can achieve. Perfectionism is all fear-based. It's all unrealistic. And so our idea that we have of this thing of being perfect is constantly like, how can I figure out a way to change it, to make it different? Really what it comes down to is asking yourself the question, what's behind it?

Starting point is 00:09:22 What's behind it? You know, when you see something, like even when you think of perfect, like what you think might be perfect and flawless may not be what other people think of when they think about it. And so what do we tend to do? And this is what most people end up doing when we call ourselves perfectionists, is we start procrastinating. We delay starting a task or finishing a task because we're afraid that we're going to not meet the highest standards that we have for ourself. And so what do we do is we, we, oh yeah, well I need to start on that painting or I need to start on, even if it's just like a project, like let's say you have a project for work that you need to work on. You have this project,

Starting point is 00:10:00 you need to present it to everybody. And because you're quote unquote perfectionist, you work at it or work it and work at it. Then you work at it for hours of the day. Or you could be on the opposite side of that because you're so afraid of this judgment of putting yourself out there, you delay it and you delay it and you delay it. And that leads to this procrastination. And so it's like this idea of like paralysis where nothing ever gets completed. And so one of the biggest things that comes from perfectionism is procrastination. And so if you're procrastinating a lot, ask yourself the question, what's behind this? Is there something I might be afraid of back here?

Starting point is 00:10:40 Like, okay, yeah, I'm looking at this and I see in front of me, I have this task. I have this task of I need to finish my presentation for work that's coming next week. But I'm procrastinating and I'm procrastinating. What's behind this? What am I afraid of? I remember one time one of my salespeople was telling me that a lady didn't buy because she was, like she didn't buy. And I said, well, what was her problem?

Starting point is 00:11:04 What was her pain? And he said, procrastination was her pain. And I said, procrastination is never a problem. Procrastination is not the real thing. Procrastination is the downstream effect of something that somebody is thinking and something that somebody is afraid of. So what was she afraid of? And he's like, I don't know. And I was like, well, then you didn't find the pain. And so you have to understand if you feel like you're a procrastinator, you feel like you're a perfectionist, you have to ask yourself, what fear is behind all of this? What am I afraid of? I'm procrastinating and procrastinating. What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of, you know, trying to build this business and wasting my time and wasting my energy and being further behind than I am right now. So

Starting point is 00:11:44 I'd rather do nothing than do something and be further behind than I am right now in two years. Oh, that's why I'm procrastinating. You will learn more about yourself as you start getting more curious about yourself. You think you know yourself? When you start asking yourself these questions and journaling through them, you really start to find yourself. Another thing that I find with a lot of people that procrastination leads to is burnout. By constantly trying to force yourself to do something or by even just like constantly trying to hit this impossible standard of something, you can drain your energy and leave you exhausted, emotionally depleted, all of that. I know a lot of people and I've heard this over years and years and years,

Starting point is 00:12:30 depending on how their parents were, they have this feeling of having to be perfect all of the time. And because I've heard in many different ways, I've heard it from people whose parents were in the military. I've heard it from people whose parents are immigrants and they push them to want to have to be perfect. They come home and they got an A and they asked them why they didn't get an A plus. I hear from people whose just their mother had these impossible beauty standards for them or these impossible body standards for them. And so a lot of times people become perfectionists from this specifically because they're still trying to prove themselves to one of their parents in some sort of way because their parents had this incredibly impossible standard that they could not get to, whether that's with grades, whether that's with sports, whether that's with body image, whatever it might be. And so if you're

Starting point is 00:13:17 out there and you feel that way and you did inherit this from your parents because the way that they treated you or because maybe the way that they are with themselves, man, that can lead to so much burnout. That is mentally exhausting. And so what do you do is you have to start realizing that there is no such thing as perfection. And I'll talk about how to work through it in just a second. And then last thing that comes from perfectionism before we go any further is you're going to have a lot of missed opportunities. When you're so focused on trying to make everything perfect, you're going to miss out on a lot of different things. You're going to miss out on growth. You're going to miss out on progress. You're going to miss out on failing at things, which when you do fail, turn into lessons so that you can get better.

Starting point is 00:13:55 And life will pass you by when you're just sitting around waiting for the perfect moment. So let's talk about how to overcome this perfectionism. Like if perfectionism is rooted in fear, how do we overcome it? The key is to understanding to embrace imperfection, to take manageable risks, and to address these fears that are in the background all the time. I remember the biggest thing that I could think of that really helped me was my mentor that I was telling you about just a second ago was talking about progress over perfection. And so the first thing that is really going to help you is to shift your mindset and start thinking about progress over perfection.

Starting point is 00:14:36 One of the biggest shifts that you can have is just understanding done is better than perfect. I'm just trying to get a little bit better. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm just trying to get a little bit better. I'm not trying to be perfect. I'm just trying to get a little bit better. I'm not trying to be perfect. Rather than aiming for perfection, focus on getting a little bit better. Ask yourself, what can I do to get better? How can I improve? How can I embrace this mindset that encourages action and stops focusing on the fear of failure? So, you know, instead of waiting, for instance, and stops focusing on the fear of failure.

Starting point is 00:15:04 So instead of waiting, for instance, let's say, for instance, an example would be, instead of waiting for a project to be perfect before you share it, recognize that the feedback can actually help you improve it. And so instead of saying, oh, this project that I'm giving to my boss and all that stuff, instead of going, how can I make it absolutely perfect?

Starting point is 00:15:21 Well, how can I make it the best that I can be? Understanding it won't be perfect. And if I do get some constructive criticism, it's a way for us to brainstorm to make this project better. Well, that would be really good, wouldn't it? The second thing I really want you to focus on and to work through it is to acknowledge your fears. Instead of trying to run from them, instead of trying to act like they're not there, actually acknowledge them because perfectionism thrives on trying to avoid them. And so if we can actually come to face to face with them and realize, yeah, you know what? I'm

Starting point is 00:15:50 scared shitless of rejection. I'm scared shitless of being judged. But that gives me an opportunity where if I do get rejected, it's an opportunity to grow. If I do get judged, it's an opportunity for me to grow. So instead of trying to avoid all of these things that I'm afraid of, I'm going to actually try to nicely come in contact with them and work through what's going on in my brain and my body as those things come up. And so the more you try to avoid them, the more control they have over you. And so when you start to work with your fears and as you start to do this, you realize that even if you just fast, if you do this for the next 10 years, the next 20 years, and you fast forward 20 years, none of your fears will

Starting point is 00:16:28 have gone away. You just learn how to work with your fears. All of my exact same fears that I had when I was younger are still present inside of my brain, inside of my body. I know that they're there. I see them when they pop up, but now I just have ways to work through them because I've been dealing with them for so long. Same thing for you. Instead of trying to avoid them, try to come in contact with them so that you can get better at working with them. And ask yourself, what am I really afraid of? Identify your fears. When you identify them, when you work through them, they lose their power. And then you have these tools in your tool belt of how to actually work through them. They're less intimidating when they're in front of you.

Starting point is 00:17:04 You can confront them directly. Growth only happens when you step out of your comfort zone. So you've got to do this. Another thing I really recommend for overcoming perfectionism is just be more compassionate with yourself. Perfectionism is driven by self-criticism a lot of times. Perfectionists can be incredibly hard on themselves. And so if you can be a little bit nicer to yourself, your perfectionism has a little bit less control over yourself. And so don't be so toxic. Practice a little bit of self-compassion. Treat yourself with some kindness, with some understanding. Instead of guilting and shaming yourself, try to replace it with some love. You're going to make mistakes. You're going to fuck it up. But just figure it out after you do. You know, you're not going to hold your friends to impossibly

Starting point is 00:17:49 high standards. So why would you do it for yourself? Forgive yourself, celebrate when you fail, celebrate your efforts that you showed up and you understand, Hey, I'm not perfect, but that's okay. The next thing I want you to do number four is to take action despite fear. The best way to just really start to get good at beating perfection four, is to take action despite fear. The best way to just really start to get good at beating perfectionism is just to take action, especially when you're afraid. Right? So maybe it's like the email that you had. It's not perfect, but you're just like, screw it. Hit send. Boom. Okay. Oh God, I just sent it. Right? Send that draft of work over to your work partner or your boss, whatever it might be.

Starting point is 00:18:26 You know, if you're applying for a job and you're not 100% qualified, just do it anyways. Just apply. See what happens. Just take action. Now, taking action builds confidence. And the more confidence that you have, the more that you can actually overcome your perfectionism because your confidence embraces your imperfections, which is a great part about it. And so really what it comes down to is if you're the type of person who has been wearing this badge of honor of perfectionism, I want you to understand that it is holding you back. You need to let go of it. You need to understand there's some sort of fear behind it. There's some sort of limiting belief. What I recommend that you do is you come in contact with it. You embrace your imperfections.

Starting point is 00:19:00 You become a little bit nicer to yourself because ultimately, like I said a little while ago, the richest place is in the graveyard. I don't want you to die with your dreams. I don't want you to die with whatever is inside of you that needs to come out simply because you're a quote unquote perfectionist. So that's all I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode,

Starting point is 00:19:18 please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you love this podcast, do me a favor. Give us a rating and review however you listen to us. The more positive ratings and reviews that we get, the more that these platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts actually present this podcast to people who have never listened to it before, which allows this podcast to grow, which allows it to impact more people.

Starting point is 00:19:39 So if you would do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. And with that, I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Advice for Perfectionists

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