The Mindset Mentor - Changing Old Relationships

Episode Date: August 5, 2021

As you grow and mature, your relationships should as well. In this episode, I am going to tell you a story of something that happened between myself and Dean that completely changed our business and personal relationship. Follow me on IG here: https://www.instagram.com/robdialjr/ Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dylan. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And today is Thursday, which means it is the business edition of the Mindset Mentor, which means I am joined by my best friend and business partner, Dean DeVries. Dean, what is up, buddy? Mentor, which means I am joined by my best friend and business partner, Dean DeVries. Dean, what is up, buddy? There's some amazing things that we have to talk about today. Happy Thursday, as always.

Thursday. Today, we're going to be talking about how to restructure old relationships. And this one's going to be fun because I actually have a story of me fucking up, which is fine because that's what I do and everybody does it. But as we get older and hopefully mature, relationships that we're in need to mature as well. There's too often that we're stuck in an old version of a relationship when we've matured completely. Like imagine if you and I still were the exact same, you know, if we were now 35 years old and we still were exactly the same that we were in our relationship at 18, 19 years old. Yeah. I mean, it's totally night and day. And you know, I think one of the beautiful things about our relationship is that

we're constantly really like challenging each other to up level and in all different ways. But the reason why I think a lot of people get stuck in like the old paradigms of relationships and really just stuck in anything is it's hard to get outside the comfort zone. And so we're going to talk about a story of just getting outside the comfort zone and also some action steps that we took to really restructure into a relationship that supports you, that supports me, and ultimately supports the vision that both of us have for our lives. And obviously we run a business together, so that's just super important. But at the end of the day, it's really about having a relationship that brings out the

best in each other. For sure. Yeah. And Dean and I have known each other now for, we're on 15 years this summer. So yeah, 15 years we've known each other and we've been through some of the best times we've been through some of the worst times we have made a lot of money together. We also have been very broke before. We've been very broke. I've, I've been to Dean's house before and the only thing he could afford to buy was peanut butter and multivitamins. And that's literally what he left lived off of. So while my electric was turned off, his electricity was turned off. So we've been everywhere. And so, you know, we are closer than probably 99% of brothers that I actually do know. And our relationship is a lot like brothers would be. And, but our relationship has changed a lot over that time. If you think about 18, 19 years old to now 35 years old, we've been through a lot of different things. We've had some really good times. We've had some all out yelling matches, what we were talking about right before we started

this podcast. I'm just remembering some of the yelling matches that we had, but that's life and that's relationships. Like we, we are like brothers and we talk to each other like brothers. Right. But I want to talk to you about an event that happened a couple of weeks ago and how it was handled between the two of us. And hopefully it will help everybody else out there who is in any relationship that has matured. Like you have matured and maybe your relationship has not matured. And we're going to talk about how to hopefully get past those as we go through it. Yeah. And before we dive into the story, you know, one of the things that like, you know,

and this is an expression of some of the residue from, you know, the 18, 19 year old version of us that, you know, one of the things that like, you know, and this is an expression of some of the residue from, you know, the 18, 19 year old version of us that, you know, we actually when we first met each other, we didn't like each other. And so we actually built our relationship on being really good at talking shit to each other. So, you know, I think that's just important to frame, you know, and and obviously we talk to each other a lot differently and have, you know, have a deeper and more meaningful conversations nowadays, but there's still times where, you know, and this is, this is kind of the, the, the, where the story's going to go is there's still times where some of that residue can kind of slip its way in a hundred percent. Yeah. And I want to bring it because, uh, I'm not perfect and I never want to ever think, have anybody who listens to this podcast think that I'm perfect because this was a big learning experience for

me and I had to share it. And even in, you know, I don't want to portray that quote unquote, I'm a guru. I want to enact like things like this never happened because it was such a big learning experience. I'm like, I need to talk about this because I feel personally obligated to talk about things that are big learning experiences. When I did ayahuasca and ayahuasca was a massive, and to start doing psychedelics was a massive learning experience. Who would I be? What kind of charlatan would I be to not talk about the biggest growth experiences in my life when I talk about growth experiences, simply because there might be stigma attached to them that's that's not who I am and so one of the best compliments I ever got was actually from

someone in our Kaizen mastermind and he said to me when we were going we were going around and we were all complimenting each other and he said Rob you're just so normal and I was like that's one of the best compliments I've ever gotten because I never want to act like I'm above people or that I've got it figured out I want to know I want people to know that I'm not perfect I'm normal and I'm just on this path of growth and I want to share what has helped me on this path of growth yeah I'd love to be normal one day yeah that'd be nice right so here's what happened so and this would be this it's funny because it would have been easier

to brush this under the rug and act like this never happened because such a tiny, tiny, tiny fraction of the people who listen to this podcast actually heard this fuck up, right? Because the, the podcast, to give you guys context, the podcast, I put up a podcast episode that wasn't fully edited. And in the middle of the podcast, Dean actually called me and to give you deeper, to give you deeper context the week before I was recording. And I said, Dean was coming over to my house and we record videos so we could put it on Facebook and YouTube and Instagram and everything. And I said, Dean, you're on the way to the house. Don't come in the house because I'm in the middle of recording. And literally seven minutes later, Dean walks in the house and in the middle of the shot, and I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, right? Like he walks in the middle of recording. And literally seven minutes later, Dean walks in the house and in the middle of the shot.

And I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding me, right? Like he walks in the middle of the shot. So then the very next week that I'm recording, cause I only record my podcast episodes one time a week. I record all of them at the same time. Dean's on the way to the house again. He's on the phone with me. And I say, Hey, I'm in the middle of recording.

I'll call you when I get done and you can come in the house. And he says, okay, cool. I'm sorry. You weren't on the way to the house. You actually, we had a'm in the middle of recording. I'll call you when I get done and you can come in the house. And he says, okay, cool. I'm sorry, you weren't on the way to the house. You actually, we had a conversation we were going to have. And I said, I'll call you when I'm done. I'm about to start recording. And you said, okay, cool. Four minutes later, he calls me back and I'm in the middle of recording.

And if you guys have an iPhone and a MacBook, my phone starts ringing on my computer. So it's blasting. And I answer the phone. I'm like, dude, you gotta be fucking kidding me. Like I literally just told you not to call me and you're calling me. And what happened though was, was we've, we say things to each other that people would never say to each other. And because we also joke, like we also say very inappropriate things to each other, right? Like that's just kind of our relationship. But what happened though, was not what I said to you. It was, I heard it and I heard the energy behind it. And I didn't like the energy. It wasn't,

it had nothing to do with me cussing at you and throwing stuff out there because we just talked to each other. And it wasn't about me receiving it in a way where it was like, I wasn't offended because it was actually kind of like the normal way that we've talked to each other. And so for 15 years, yeah. Yeah. We talked to each other like brothers, like, why the fuck are you calling me right now? Like, that's kind of how we, but it's, it's kind of like, have you, if you've ever, um, heard yourself on a recording and you're like, Oh, I don't like the sound of my voice. Or if you've ever taken your phone out and taken a picture in a room that you've been in the entire

day in the picture, you're like, Oh, my room is a lot dirtier than I thought it was. When you see something through a different lens, you can view it not as yourself. And so when I heard our conversation and the way I was speaking to you, I was like, oof, I don't like this at all. Like I don't like the energy behind it. And so we obviously edited the episode

and deleted and put up the edited version because we had to chop up the part where you called me in the middle of recording. And so, and so what happened was I heard it. An old Rob would have been like, Oh yeah, I don't like that. No big deal. We're fine. But what happened was I went outside and I started thinking about it and I was like, I don't feel right. Like something doesn't feel right in my body about the way that that I heard myself and I heard myself versus actually just speaking it and hearing myself speak. I heard myself recorded and I just didn't feel right. And so I was like, what's the right thing to do? And I was like, I got to call Dean. So it's like 15 minutes after the whole thing happens. And so then I called you and I was like, Hey,

you know, I went in back and listened to the episode and I don't like the energy behind the way that I spoke to you. And I think that you're due for an apology because I don't want that to be our relationship. Like we've known each other for so long and we're so important to each other in each other's lives. I don't want us to have built up bad energy where I'm speaking to you a certain way. You're speaking to me a certain way. And we might grow to resent each other later on down the road. And so I called you up and I was like, Hey man, this is the way that I feel about it. I don't feel good in my body about the energy behind what I said to you. And just the way it sounded for me hearing it, like the way I heard

it might be different the way you heard it because we've been talking to that for so long, but I've never heard myself speak to you in that way. And I was like, I don't like it. I've got to clear it. And so then I told you and you know, then we had a conversation about it from there. Yeah. And what was so meaningful about that was, and it really called both of us into a higher standard where I was like, you know what? Yeah. You know, like I, uh, I mean, I, I wasn't holding onto any resentment or anything like that. And so it's not like we're trying to fix a problem by having that conversation, but we're, you know, and just connecting to the vision that we have for ourselves, our relationship and how we support each other and stepping into that world. Exactly. And so, you know, when we're that connected to our vision and, you know, do this type of work where we're speaking on podcasts about helping people become the best versions of themselves, we weren't fixing a problem that was in our awareness.

But it was more so about like, man, when we're connecting to the version of us that exists in the vision that we have for our lives, the versions of us that exist in that vision are the versions of us that have a clean and supportive and inspiring, empowering relationship. And even if we don't take it in a way where, you know, it feels disempowering, it's definitely not empowering, you know, to, to, to speak in some of the language patterns that we've had in the past. And so, yeah, that was a really special moment for me because, you know, I just love you, brother. Like, thank you for that. Because and not again, not because you were making me feel better about that situation. But you were calling me forward in to a higher standard of speaking to each other and, you know, connecting with each other and connecting to our vision. And, you know, all the things that are important for our own individual lives and what we do together.

It was just really special and humbling. And it was just to, to meet you in that place of humility to be able to say, Hey, there's a higher, you know, a higher version of our relationship available. And, you know, I want to step into that. Hey, is there something that's interfering with your happiness or maybe it's preventing you from achieving your goals? Maybe it's anxiety or stress or worry with how much is going on right now. Well, better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. And you can start communicating with them in under 48 hours. This isn't a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online.

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indeed.com slash dial indeed.com slash dial offer valid through September 30th terms and conditions apply. Yeah. And you know, it's, it's easy for us to brush things under the rug and act like it didn't happen. Uh, and you know, we've all done it in every single relationship that we've had. And once again, this wasn't even a problem. This was just a thing that I noticed I didn't enjoy of the way that I was speaking to you. But, you know, we all have had problems in relationships and we kind of just let it slide and let everybody's tempers calm down when this, you know, somebody, you get into a fight and you just let everybody's temper to calm down. And then, you know, the next day you're, you're quote unquote good with people, but, you know, somebody, you get into a fight and you just let everybody's temper to calm down. And then, you know, the next day you're, you're quote unquote good with people, but you know, it doesn't

actually, it's not resolved. That's not fully resolved. It's like a broken bone that wasn't set back in the right place. You know, you've got to set it back in the right place so it can grow properly. And for me, our friendship is more important than my ego. And I could feel my ego be like, just don't, it doesn't matter. Don't say anything. But it was more important for me to be like, no, fuck it. If I feel like I'm coming to, if I feel like I'm coming to a relationship, not 100% my true authentic self and or my highest self, I guess I could say, then I need to call it out and express it so that therefore it will make me come to a higher standard and then probably make you come to a higher standard as well.

And we can grow from it and know that now we're not 19, 20 years old. We're grown men and adults that are trying to do amazing things in this world. And we need to hold ourselves to a high standard. And I need to have you hold me to the higher standard as well. Yeah. Yeah. And you know, what's, what's really, uh, you know, what's really great about that is, um, you know, the ego does get in the way of having those types of transformational conversations. And I think for two reasons. Number one, the ego doesn't like to be wrong. So it's very humbling. And we kind of have to put our ego in check when we apologize for anything.

So to be able to just own that. To apologize means you were wrong. Right. Yeah, exactly. So to own that is a hit to the ego and the ego does not like transformation, right? The ego likes to be in the comfort zone. The ego likes to be in the old ways of doing things. And so there's so much about that conversation that was really transformational that, you

know, called us both into that higher standard. Yeah. Yeah. And so, uh, and this, the reason why we're bringing up on the podcast, because it was such a good learning experience and we never, once again, want to act like we're perfect people, but when something comes up, we need to talk about it and tell everybody about it because this is, there's people out there listening going, oh shit. Yeah. I probably should say something to my wife about that fight we had

last week. And both of us act like it never even happened, you know? And so what happened was we cleared it up and I felt clear. And I, I literally felt like if there was a sound for how I felt after the conversation, it was like that sound. And that shows you that there was something, there was a weight of the energy of feeling that, that if I would have not let it out, it would have been stuck in my body in some sort of way. And I had the same experience, which is crazy because I consciously, I, I would say, yeah, I didn't really think anything of it. Yeah, that was fine. But I actually felt lighter by you just owning it. And by you feeling lighter, I felt lighter. So it actually impacted me in the same way on such a deep level that I didn't even realize that that was something that was kind of there.

Yep. A hundred percent. And so, you know, everyone out here is listening to this. We have dirty old energy that's stuck in some relationships. Not all of them. Not all relationships have something, but there's some relationships where I know you're listening out there and you're like, yeah, yeah, there is something there with my sister and how we talked to each other a few weeks ago. And so what we did was Dean and I went through this

and we thought about our relationship and what we just went through. And then we thought, all right, if we were to take this and boil it down into what everybody else would be able to learn from this and actually start to take action from, what would it be? And so we're going to talk about how to clear the negativity from relationships and how to restructural relationships. Because the good thing about it is, you know, I know that we're going to fall back in old patterns. It's going to happen. But now we both have this awareness to go, yeah, that wasn't right. And I can, we can change it real time or we can change it right after it happens and be like yeah that was a mistake because we're always going to make mistakes yeah i don't expect anything to be perfect but how we go through it and actually show up differently

so and the awareness is i think the the most important thing because if we can't change anything that we're not aware of and so awareness is like i mean we talk about all the time it being the number one superpower that if we can equip every single person in the world with the superpower, it'd be awareness because anything inside of our awareness is something that we can change. And just like any supporting relationship, there's also accountability. So between the awareness and also the accountability of like, Hey, this is something that I'm aware of. And now that I see it popping up again, I can, you know, we can bring that into our, you know, our, our collective awareness and make a change on it because yeah, to your point, it's easy to slip into old ways. We're human. That's what we do. And so over, you know, over time and just reinforcing the new paradigm and

the new identity and the new habits that's ultimately going to create lasting change. Exactly. So let's talk about the four simple steps to restructure and change some relationships that you might've had for years now. First thing is if you feel something, ask yourself what it is. So for me, I felt something and I'm not a big feeler. I'm a big thinker, but I've started working on becoming a better feeler, like feeling into things. What's going on? What am I noticing? And I noticed something that was just like, yeah, I don't feel right after hearing myself speak. I was like, what is it? Is it that I feel bad about the fact that that audio went out in a small percentage

of people heard it? No, not necessarily because I'm a fucking human. And that's just the way it is. Like, I don't expect to be perfect. And I was like, okay, so it's not, it's not that other people heard it. It's actually that I was, I didn't like the way that I was speaking to you. So I had to identify what the issue was. And so I sat outside for a while and I was thinking about it. And so that's the first thing is to, if you feel something that doesn't feel right, don't like brush it off to the side, sit in silence for a little while and just ask yourself, what is it like? Try to identify. And it's not easy to identify a lot

of times, but ask yourself and try to identify what you're feeling. And, and just to take that a level deeper, if you could name the feeling or you can like locate where you felt it, what would it be? Me? Uh, it was definitely like in the chest. Yeah. It was like a chest thing me uh it was definitely like in the chest yeah it was like a chest thing like it was almost like tight like i felt restricted like that wasn't like if i were to say it wasn't my truest version of myself if my truest version of myself is like expansive it was restrictive and that's why i was like this isn't right because i know that my truest version of myself is fully expansive and i feel restricted in this moment. And I, it was almost like wearing a straight jacket. I was like physically and emotionally

was like in a straight jacket. I was like, I have to identify what this is. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. So if you feel something, just build the awareness. What is it that you're feeling? Ask yourself. So if you think of your mom and you feel a restriction, and this is something that could be good to go around each relationship, that's really important to you. Some people, if I say, Hey, think about your mom. So I'd be like, Oh my gosh, I love my mom so much. And some people will be like, Ooh, yeah. Like there's, there's resistance. What is that resistance? There's cause it needs to be cleared, right? If you, if I say, okay, tell me, you know, think about your, your sister and you feel restricted, feel something.

There's something there that needs to be cleared. Let's try to build the awareness of what that actually is. Yeah. And this is a really important point. We can make a whole separate episode just on this. But like, you know, I know for me, whenever I'm feeling restrictive, you know, in whether it be in a relationship or in a situation, I sometimes actually feel like my shoulders kind of like kind of caving inward, like forward, where I'm like not expansive, where my chest is out, my heart is open, you know, my shoulders are back. That's when I feel the most myself, the most alive. But, you know, in certain situations, if I'm like, you know, something's heavy or weighing on me, I kind of feel that same thing, that that tight tightness in the chest and I'll actually feel my heart closed, my chest

literally closed, my shoulders going forward. And so I think queuing into the body language, like, Hey, if you're feeling something, just notice how you're holding yourself, you know, notice how you're standing, notice how, and this is actually a really good exercise in every single interaction that you have. Do you feel yourself more open or are you more closed? Yep. Yeah, that's so true. When you get into a conversation with somebody, do you feel yourself closing off? What is the reason behind it?

So the first thing is, you know, if you feel something, ask yourself what it is. You're trying to build the awareness around it. The second thing to do is to ask yourself, what is the solution? A lot of times it's just a conversation with that person. So for me, it was, okay, what is the solution to it? The solution honestly wasn't to make this podcast episode and talk about it as if I, you know, had, was a, like a, as if I was like a famous person who, you know, sent a, a naughty text messages to somebody and I have to come out and to apologize. It wasn't, it wasn't a, Rob, read this press release. We're going to need this right now. This isn't my version of

a press release, but it was, it was, it was only because I learned so much from it. I was like, I need to make an episode on this. But the thing, the solution was I need to have this conversation. And I was like, I don't fucking feel comfortable having this conversation because there's some egoic attachment. I was like, doesn't matter. I'm going to call them, force myself to call you anyways. And sometimes you have to go with your tail between your legs and just say, I'm sorry to somebody. You just have to. And that's, that's really what it is. And you know, your relationship with those people has to be more important than your ego. Yeah. Yeah. I love that. And you know, another point with that is the conversation. Most, I would say adventure to say a conversation,

even if there's like something to make it right, a conversation is always a starting point. Yeah. You know, adventure say like 99.9% of the time, if you feel like there's some kind of bound up energy in the relationship, right? Like could kind of look at the relationship that we have and the relationship that anybody has with anybody is like, that's a container of trust. And sometimes that trust can be eroded by, you know, either just things that are not in integrity or just, just bad energy. And that's what, that's the feeling that we're talking about. And so just acknowledging it, even if you don't know the solution, but you know, sometimes the solution will come and just having the conversation like, Hey, you know, even if you came to me and said, Hey Dean, you know, I am just feeling something after listening to this. And I just, I'm not sure what that means. I just wanted to express that.

Like that would be the beginning of probably, you know, where we are today in terms of the awareness. And so the conversation I think is just really, really important. For sure. Yeah. Which brings us into step number three, which is take action. Don't sit around and think about it anymore. Don't let it slide. If you feel stuckness, if you feel bad energy around it, you got to clear it.

Just have the conversation. You'll feel a hundred times lighter, which shows you, you know, if you do feel lighter, why is that? It's because you're clearing energy that your body was storing on, like was holding onto. And think about, you know, if you had a fight with, with your spouse four years ago and it didn't feel fully resolved, you're still carrying some of that with you energetically inside of your body. Yeah. Yeah. Those types of things have to be cleared. And so you have to, you know, if you had a fight with your mom 16 years ago and it hasn't been fully talked about, you're still holding on. So is she, you know, what you said to open this up is like, don't think about it.

Just do it. Because, man, if you think about it for too long, you know, you're thinking with your brain. And guess where the ego lives in the brain? He's right there. And so the ego is controlling, you know, where the thoughts go or at least has a huge influence on it. So don't think about it too much. Feel it and then do influence on it. So don't think about it too much, feel it and then do something about it. Yeah. So, and then the last one is notice if you slip back into old patterns

and then just give yourself some grace, it's going to happen. Like I am going to notice myself talk to you in that energy at some point in time again, it's going to happen, but it's, it's, it's the awareness of it and going up there. It is again. Okay. I need to stop doing that. Or, you know, stopping in the middle of that conversation and presenting myself in a different way. They will not be easy to just completely get rid of, you know, so give yourself some grace and just allow yourself to just work through those things. Yeah. And it's the first step in unwinding 15 years of programming. So, you know, it's for, for that to be like a light switch where it's like, Oh man, it's gone. It's unreasonable to expect that. And so just know that it's a journey in this process and be open to that. So the next time that that happens, instead of us judging that that happened

to just loving, lovingly bring that into the awareness and hold each other accountable and call each other into a higher standard. And that's how you build an amazing relationship. That's right. Dean, love you, brother. Love you, brother. Everybody out there, if there's a relationship that popped up in your head as we were talking, clear it.

Figure out what it is. Figure out what the solution is. And then take action because that's the only way to get rid of it is to clear it from your energetic field, if you want to call it. Clear it from your body. Clear it from your energetic field, if you want to call it, clear it from your body, clear it from your relationships,

you'll feel much, much lighter and relationships will be better. So that's what we got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode,

making sure mission makes someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day. On holiday, there's nothing like doing nothing. As an Expedia member, you can save up to 30% when you add a hotel to your flight, so you can go out there with great ambition to do absolutely nothing for less. Expedia, made to travel.