The Mindset Mentor - Free Yourself from Others' Opinions: How To Not Be Offended

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll also probably love my new book, which is called Level Up, How to Get Focused, Stop Procrastinating, and Upgrade Your Life. It is the step-by-step process to understand your mind, why you hold yourself back, and understand the psychology of how to take action and create habits. So if you want to go ahead and get it, it is available wherever books are. Today, we're going to talk about how to stop caring about other people's judgment of you, and also just how overall to stop being offended. We're going to talk about not worrying about other people's judgments, not worrying about other people's opinions,

Starting point is 00:00:49 because all too often I get so many messages from people that just say like, I'm so worried about taking action because I'm worried about what my mom's going to say. I'm worried about what my aunt is going to say. I'm worried about my father who said, you went to school to be an engineer. Why would you go and do this other thing? And last week I actually got an Instagram message. And the question was really around how to deal with someone that says things to you that hurts you all the time. So, you know,

Starting point is 00:01:12 I have this relationship with this person. They say things to hurt me all the time. And I saw that message come through and I was like, you know what, I should do a podcast episode on this, which this is also why it's good to follow me on Instagram. That's where I usually communicate with people, my followers the most. So if you want to follow me on there, it's Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And you have ideas for podcast episodes, send them through. Maybe you'll hear me talk about it. So the first thing I'll tell you is this. If you are worried about other people's judgments, opinions, if somebody is talking down to you, the first thing I want you to understand is you have to stop hanging out with people who talk down to you there's so many people that message me

Starting point is 00:01:47 that are like how do I deal with this person and I'm like the best way to deal with them is to stop dealing with them just remove them from your life it's like saying like hey it hurts when I touch here and it's like okay we'll stop touching there that's that's kind of what it comes down to and I realize that for some of you that are listening, like that's impossible because the person who offends me or the person who talks down to me is my spouse or it is my mother or it is my father or it's my sister. Well, in that case, you need to make some adjustments.

Starting point is 00:02:16 There's two options. Either number one, you stay with that person. You stay in a relationship with them. I guess there's two options or three options. There's either stay in a relationship with them. Number two is you change your relationship with them. You spend less time with them, I guess there's two options or three options. There's either stay in a relationship with them. Number two is you change your relationship with them. You spend less time with them. Or number three, you actually don't have that person in your life anymore. And I've gotten some hate before in the past of saying that people should, you know, if somebody is really rude to them, they should stop hanging out with them, even if it is one of their parents.

Starting point is 00:02:42 And I've had some people that have said, oh, you should never tell someone not to hang out with their parents or not to be with their mom. And my response to that is, you should see some of the messages that I get as to how terrible some people's parents are to them. I'm talking about like the worst things I've heard sometimes come from somebody

Starting point is 00:03:00 who is in a relationship with their parents. And so I'm not saying that this is something that you have to do. I'm giving you options. It's your life. You can choose what you want to do. But really what it comes down to is you've got to stop hanging out with people who are holding you back. You've got to stop hanging out with people who are talking trash to you when you're just trying to do your best. You don't, you have to stop hanging with people who don't want the best for you or people who cut you down or whenever you're successful, they find holes in

Starting point is 00:03:25 your success. You know what I mean? Like they're the type of people where, where if you won the lottery, they'd be like, Oh my God, do you know how much you have to pay in taxes? You're not even going to take home all of that $40 million. You know, like they're those types of people. They're the people who, who throw in the little tiny negative comments, just the little, little tiny jabs. And it's like death by a thousand cuts. It's like the one cut doesn't hurt, but if it's over and over and over again, it's like, dude, how much longer can I take this person's shit? And really what it comes down to is you have to decide that the people that you surround yourself with might be the most important thing in your entire life. And there is study after study after study about how the people that you surround yourself

Starting point is 00:04:04 with dictate the life you're going to have. There's the longest study on happiness, which is over 85 years old at this point, was done by Harvard. And they found out the happiest people are the ones that have deep, meaningful relationships. And the ones that have toxic relationships actually have been found to be the equivalent of not taking care of your body, of smoking cigarettes, of not working out. And so they've actually found over these 80 years of studying people's lives, that people have the best relationships actually live longer. Not the most relationships, but the best relationships. The people have the most toxic relationships don't tend to live as long. And so really what

Starting point is 00:04:40 it comes down to is you've got to, before anything else, if you're like, hey, how do I not be offended by these people? How do I not care about other people's opinions, other people's judgments? How do I work with somebody who's constantly talking down to me? The first immediate response is, can you figure out a way to distance yourself from that person? I don't really know who they are in your life and I don't care who they are in your life. But really what it comes down to is you need to be able to have an environment, a social environment that is for your happiness, for your joy, for your success, for your love and anything that's outside of that. You need to see if you can remove. And so that's the first thing I want you to think about as you're really starting to think

Starting point is 00:05:18 about that. And I'll talk a little bit more about your circle in just a minute. Next thing I think about when I think about this is a really interesting thing to think about is that nobody can say something to you that hurts without you already believing that thing. So nobody can say something to you and that offends you unless that thing that offends you is something that you already either subconsciously or consciously believe in some sort of way. You know, there's many things that I could come up to you and I could say, and none of them would offend you. But I could say one thing to you and that thing offends you. That thing is actually what you believe in yourself. And so that comes down to your own self-doubt. That comes down to your own self-love. You know, I've told this story so many times in the podcast, but it's so ridiculously

Starting point is 00:06:02 relevant. But one of my friends, Ryan, he had a really successful business. He was like mid twenties and he was, you know, had this business that was doing millions of dollars a year. And he was taking a walk with his mentor and his mentor said, so Brian, how's the business going? It seems like you're crushing it. And he said, man, you know what? Like every time I get an email from like a customer who wants to return their product or tells me that the product broke or that I made a shitty product, he's like, every time I get those emails, I just want to shut it all down. And so from the outside looking in, it's like, it looks like he's crushing it from the inside out. He was like, just frustrated with the fact that he was getting some

Starting point is 00:06:40 emails or negative comments or reviews. And his mentor who was, you know, in his fifties at the time said, yeah, I know why. And Ryan says, why? He goes, because you're insecure. You're insecure about those things. He's like, what are you talking about? I'm insecure. He goes, well, I'll give you an example. If a lady came up to you right now, we're walking down the street and said, Hey, you have pink hair. What would you think? He's like, I don't know. I don't have pink hair. He said, what would you think? He goes, I probably think she's crazy because I don't actually have pink hair. And so then he said, okay, but if a lady came up to you right now and said, Hey, I bought your product and your product sucks. And you start to feel something inside of you. You have to realize when you feel that

Starting point is 00:07:17 thing inside of you, it's only because you already believe that you don't believe you have pink hair. It doesn't offend you, but you believe that your product sucks. You believe it's inferior. Maybe you don't believe in 100% and have 100% conviction into this thing. And so really what it comes down to is that no one can make you feel inferior without your consent, which is what Eleanor Roosevelt says. If someone says, I don't like your hair, if you don't really care what your hair looks like, that's not going to offend you. I don't like your hair color. No big deal. I don't like your voice. No big deal. But when you have a wound or an insecurity around something and somebody brings up that wound or kind of pokes it with their finger and it hurts, it's because that insecurity already existed.

Starting point is 00:07:58 They're not making you feel that way. What they're doing is they're bringing up something that's already inside of you. That anger that bringing up something that's already inside of you. That anger that you feel is something that lives inside of you. That sadness that you feel is something that lives inside of you. That frustration that you feel is something that lives inside of you. It's not something that the person gives you by what they say. It's them showing you where you're not free. No one can make you feel something that hurts you unless you already believe it to be true. So as pissed off as you might be, as hurt as you might be, that person is giving you a gift. Even though they're pissing you off, they're giving you a gift. They're showing you where you're not free. They're showing you where

Starting point is 00:08:35 you are hung up in your own mind. They're showing you where you still need work. That's a gift. Oh, thank you, universe. God, whatever you believe in, by coming and showing me where I'm not free through this person who's completely triggering me right now. You know, life is just a constant up-leveling of growth, and it never really stops. It's constantly, oh, I'm triggered here, I'm noticing where I'm not free, I'm noticing my programming, I'm triggered here, I'm noticing my programming, I'm triggering here. I'm noticing I'm not free. I'm noticing my programming. I'm triggered here. I'm noticing my programming. I'm triggering here. I'm noticing my programming.

Starting point is 00:09:07 Life is constantly showing you where you're not free so that you can either fold or that you can work through it and you can level up in some sort of way in your life. You will never arrive to a moment in your life where you're just 100% perfect. There is no destination. There's no way to not have any baggage. There's no way to There is no destination. There's no way to not have any baggage. There's no way to not have any flaws. There's no way to not have any triggers. There's no way to just never have a temper or never feel emotion or be perfectly calm all of the time in the middle of a tornado. You're a human and you have to realize that I believe,

Starting point is 00:09:43 you know, like I've known some people that have been extremely enlightened compared to me, like way further in on the journey and they get to their 80s and they get to their 90s and they still talk about how they're not free from a lot of their things. They still talk about how they've been working on themselves for 60, 70, 80 years. They've been putting time in and they're still not free. And I'm going, damn it. Well, if they're not free, I don't know if I'm ever going to get free. Right. That's fine. And so when you realize that there is no destination that you get to where you're just perfect, it allows you to just have

Starting point is 00:10:13 some more awareness and go, okay, all right. I see Rob where you're hung up. Let's go ahead and let's work through this. This is also really important why self-belief is such an important thing to think about. Because if you fully believe in yourself, if you fully believe, like fully believe in yourself, it doesn't actually matter what anybody says to you. Because you don't believe that. They're saying something to you and do I believe them? Okay, they're telling me X, Y, Z. Do I believe X, Y, Z? No, because I think this of myself.

Starting point is 00:10:45 I believe in myself so much, it doesn't matter what you say to me. I believe in my purpose so much. It doesn't matter what you say to me. That's what we're trying to work towards. So how do we start to believe in ourself is the natural next question. Okay. If I believe fully in myself, that almost like puts a barrier around me where when someone throws their shit at me, I'm like, ah, doesn't stick. Doesn't really matter. So then how do we build that belief in ourself? There's a couple of different ways. I think one of the most important ways to build confidence in yourself is to continuously, continually, whatever the right answer would be there. I don't know what it is. I'm not an English expert. But always push yourself to do something that you don't want to do or to do something that makes you a little bit

Starting point is 00:11:25 uncomfortable every single day, something that's a little bit outside of your comfort zone. Why is that? Because confidence doesn't only come from succeeding at things. Confidence also comes, and sometimes it comes even more often, by doing something that you didn't want to do. Whether you succeed or whether you fail, you watched yourself do something you didn't want to do for your own best interest. And so you showed up for yourself, whether you succeed or whether you failed, you showed up for yourself and showing up for yourself and doing something that you didn't want to do builds a little bit of confidence. You didn't want to go for a run, you went for a damn run. You didn't want to wake up, you woke up early. And doing the things that are good for you is

Starting point is 00:12:03 what's really important. And there's many studies that show that this is true. And doing the things that are good for you is what's really important. And there's many studies that show that this is true. There's a thing that Albert Bandura came up with called the self-efficacy theory. And really what it comes down to is it revolves around the individual's belief in their ability to succeed in specific situations or to be able to accomplish tasks. And what they found out was that one of the primary ways to build self-confidence is through situations where the individual faces challenges and either succeeds or fails, but they at least put themselves into the challenge. And then overcoming the obstacles, achieving the goals, all of those are great and they help build confidence. But what's most important is the person putting themselves in challenging situations and actually doing

Starting point is 00:12:46 something that they didn't want to do or doing something outside of their comfort zone or seeing that there was a challenge. They faced it anyway. And even if they fail, they go, well, damn it, at least I showed up for myself. At least I saw that challenge and I showed up. That's really important. And so if you're trying to build confidence, you got to ask yourself, am I just doing the same things every single day? Or am I constantly trying to push myself out of my comfort zone? Am I trying to change my circle? Am I trying to be different than the people that are around me? Am I trying to get into a circle where people make me better?

Starting point is 00:13:17 You know, we've heard over and over again that you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. So if the people around you don't want the best for you, if they don't want your success, if they try to make you play small, if they throw in those subtle negative remarks, find a new circle, figure it out. Because there's also study after study after study that shows that who you hang out with, you become. And so we've all heard the phrase, you're the average of the five people you spend the most time with. And that's all awesome and stuff. But is there actual fact in it? Like, is there scientific proof that shows that a person will mold and shift themselves depending on who they surround themselves with? Funny you should

Starting point is 00:13:53 ask that question. Yes, there is. There's a couple of different ones. There's one that's called the Framingham Heart Study. It is a study that's been going on since 1948. And in 2007, two researchers analyzed the data from 1948 to 2007. And the study found out that various behaviors, traits, which also include happiness, obesity, and smoking habits spread throughout social networks, which shows through all of this is that you become who you surround yourself with. They found, this is an interesting study that they found, interesting finding they found in that study. They found that if a close friend becomes obese, if you have a close friend that becomes obese, your chances of becoming obese increased by 57%. So it shows that your social

Starting point is 00:14:42 circle significantly influences your behaviors and habits. And so when a lot of people are like, hey, I'm trying to be more, more, I'm trying to be happier. I'm trying to do better, but nobody in my life really wants the same. What do I do? I'm a lot of times I'm just honest with them. Just try to find a new circle where success and happiness becomes natural for you. Not something that you have to fight for.

Starting point is 00:15:03 There was also another study that was called the Rosenquist study on depression. And the study examined how happiness and depression spread within your closest social networks. And so they found that having a friend who becomes depressed, if you have a friend that becomes depressed, your chances of becoming depressed as well increase exponentially. On the other side of that, though, having a friend who's incredibly happy can decrease your chances of depression and potentially increase your overall happiness, which shows you that not only are you happy if your friends are happy, not only are you depressed or more likely to be happy if your friends are happy or more likely to be depressed if your friends are depressed, you're also more likely to be happy if your friends are happy, or more likely to be depressed if your friends are depressed. You're also more likely to be obese

Starting point is 00:15:46 if your friends are obese. And so it really comes down to like looking at your social circle and saying, is this social circle the one that I want to surround myself with? And then the last tip that I'll give you around this as well is really just start to be careful who you're taking advice from.

Starting point is 00:16:00 If you're getting offended, if you're worried about other people's judgments, all of this, be careful who you surround yourself with. You know, like I love my mom. She's great, but I would never take advice from my mom on how to grow my Instagram. Why? My mom doesn't even have an Instagram. But how many people are out there not starting a business because your mom or dad or friends are saying that it's a terrible idea, yet they've never had a successful business. It's the same thing. I'm like, would you take advice from

Starting point is 00:16:31 somebody who is homeless on how to be a millionaire? Probably not. If I said, hey, you've got to find one mentor to mentor you on how to become a millionaire, go find them. What would you want to find? Someone who's a millionaire. And so you've got to start asking yourself the question like, would I want to trade places with the person who's giving me advice? If someone's giving me relationship advice, but they've had just terrible relationships since I've known them, probably not the person I want to take relationship advice from. If someone's trying to give me business advice and they've literally never had a business, why would I ever take business advice from them? And so we've got to be really diligent on who we take our advice from. And would we want to

Starting point is 00:17:16 trade positions with them with where they are in their life? And so really what it comes down to is there's many different ways to work on yourself, to not be offended, to not care about other people's judgments, not care about other people's opinions. But what it comes down to is there's many different ways to work on yourself, to not be offended, to not care about other people's judgments, not care about other people's opinions. But what it comes down to most is number one, your own self-belief, your own self-confidence, because that basically just puts a firewall around you and you don't care what anybody says to you because you're so confident in your own personal abilities that the haters mean nothing to you. And the second thing, if you want to make it easier, just start paying attention to who you surround yourself with. How do you not be offended by other

Starting point is 00:17:48 people's opinions and judgments? Don't hang out with other people who are constantly judging you. Quite simple. And so that's really what it comes down to is notice your own internal talk and then notice the talk of the people that are around you as well. So that's all I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it, RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. That's also where you can reach out to me if you have any podcast ideas, tips that you want to, hey, I'd love for you to talk about this. Can't guarantee that I'll talk about it,

Starting point is 00:18:15 but I do look through all of them and try to see what you guys want me to talk about. And with that, I'm gonna leave the same way I leave every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Free Yourself from Others' Opinions: How To Not Be Offended

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