The Mindset Mentor - How Childhood Effects Your Relationships: The 4 Attachment Styles

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

In today’s episode, we dive into the fascinating world of attachment styles and how they shape our relationships. We’ll explore the four main types—secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized—and uncover how our early childhood experiences with caregivers impact our adult lives. By understanding your attachment style, you can boost your self-awareness, improve your relationship dynamics, and work through conflicts more effectively. Join me for some real talk on building healthier connections and leveling up your emotional game. Let’s get started!Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube

to the other person. And usually, based off the way that you attach to somebody, usually you start to look for a person to attach to that is going to bring out the triggers within you. But it's also really important for you to understand this within yourself, but also so you can understand your partner. And oftentimes, people don't realize this, but your partner will be a proxy for your parents. So what is unhealed in your parental relationships will come up in your romantic relationships. The universe will continue to keep presenting you with the thing that you need to learn and get better at until you decide to actually learn and get better at it. I have a friend whose husband, she has a tumultuous relationship with her mother. I'll put it

that way. Her husband, she didn't realize it until about a year of being married to him, is almost exactly like her mother. And so she has this tumultuous relationship with her mother. And now all of those things are coming up in the relationship with her husband. And so let's dive into it. Let's talk about it. But I'm going to say three different statements to you. And I want you to find out which of these three statements do you feel describe you the most accurately. Statement A is I find it relatively easy to get close to others and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don't worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me. Does statement A hit home with you? Okay, here is statement B. I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would

like. I often worry that my partner doesn't really love me or won't stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner and this sometimes scares people away. Does statement B feel like it relates to you? Okay, here's statement C. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close, and often others want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. The statement C hit home with you.

Okay, these statements correspond to the three main attachment styles, and there's a fourth one that we're going to talk about as well, that were identified by English psychologist John Browley in the 1950s and 60s. He's the guy who invented this thing called the attachment theory and the attachment styles. So if statement A hit home for you the most, you are most likely what's called a secure attachment. And these people who have secure attachments find it easy to love and trust others, and they are comfortable with intimacy and dependency. Okay, if option B, statement B, feels like it hit home with you the most, you are most likely an anxious attachment. These individuals crave closeness, but fear abandonment, and they often worry that their

partner's love may display aggressive behaviors that can create a crisis in relationship. And then three, the third one, which is option C, if option C felt like it hit home with you the most, is avoidant attachment. These individuals are uncomfortable with intimacy and tend to withdraw emotionally. They prefer solitude and often avoid close relationships to protect themselves. I'm going to talk about it, but for me, this is the one that I identified that I was years and years ago. is if you feel like you're a mix, like if you're a mixed bag of these, like it feels like it's a little bit of this, it feels like it's a little bit of that, then you might be the fourth attachment style that we're going to go through. So when we talk about these, attachment theory, basically what it says, and we'll go through each one of these and you can identify which one you are and actually what ways to get better at it. Attachment theory says that the bonds that we form with our

primary caregivers in early childhood significantly impact our emotional development. And so these bonds or our attachment styles that we develop with these primary caregivers of ours are shaped by the consistency, responsiveness, and the sensitivity of our caregivers. Were they consistent in the way they showed up? Were they responsive in the way they showed up? Were they sensitive in the way that they showed up and sensitive to what you needed? The four main attachment styles, and we'll go through each one of these, we'll try to identify who you are. And if you're in a relationship, hopefully we can identify who your partner is. Then you can always look back through your past partners and you're going to

go, oh my God, this makes so much sense why he was like that, why she was like that. Okay. Secure attachment, which is the first one, is the attachment style that typically comes when both caregivers are consistently responsive and emotionally available. And this reliable caregiving gives a child a sense of safety and confidence. So that basically allows the child to feel safe in exploring the world. So in adult life, people who have a secure attachment style tend to have a balanced and healthy relationships when they're in them. And they're comfortable with intimacy and interdependence. I'm dependent on you, you're dependent on me. They feel safe being close with someone. They feel safe being alone without anyone. And

they can manage conflicts very well. And they generally have a positive view of themselves and others. Sounds nice, doesn't it? Sure does. But guess what? Most people, the vast majority of people, are not this style. So, you know, it sounds nice when you think, oh, they're confident in their relationships. Oh, they enjoy spending time with their partner, but they also enjoy being alone as well. They have no trouble being apart from their partner. Oh, they're completely fine being alone. They don't feel like they need somebody and they're really good at open conversations and feelings about their needs. Then when conflicts come up, wow, they work through them together calmly and constructively. But the problem is that this tends to be the most rare out of all four of them.

Because nobody's perfect, and a lot of times, even if one of your parents is really good, another one can be distant and not give you exactly what you want, which then breaks the secure bond. So then we end up going into another attachment style. So the next one is the anxious attachment. And this attachment style often comes when your caregivers are inconsistent. So they're sometimes responsive, sometimes they're a little bit neglectful.

And when I say neglectful, it doesn't mean like they didn't give you food or water, but maybe they just weren't emotionally available for you, or maybe they didn't pay attention to your emotions as much. And so sometimes they're responsive, sometimes they're not. Sometimes it feels like they care. Sometimes it doesn't feel like they care. And so children that are in these environments become hypervigilant.

And what this means is that they're constantly seeking reassurance and approval to feel secure. So sometimes the parent is there and they are secure. They make the child feel secure. And then sometimes they're not and they're neglectful. And when they're neglectful, the child then needs, they feel like they need to get the reassurance to get the approval that they had before from their parents so that they can feel secure. And so as you grow up in an adult life, the people with the anxious attachment style often crave closeness and they fear abandonment because when they're close, they feel safe with the parent. When the parent is not close, they feel like they're being abandoned in some

sort of way. And so they grow up wanting that closeness, but also really fearing abandonment. And these are the types of people that, you know, they're texting all the time when their partner is not near. And they may be overly dependent on their partners and constantly seeking constant validation and fearing rejection from their partner. So I'm gonna give you a couple of real life examples with each of these, right? So like the first real life example, let's say Emma. She often feels anxious when her partner David doesn't respond to her texts immediately.

So she worries that he might be losing interest and she then seeks constant reassurance that he's not losing interest. She needs to hear it from him. So this need for validation sometimes needs to conflict because David feels overwhelmed by her demand for constant attention. And it becomes too much for the other person, David, because he is basically needing to be her source of happiness and safety. And you can never be somebody else's source of safety and happiness. It has to come from within.

Real life example number two, let's say Josh finds himself getting jealous when his girlfriend Maria spends time with her friends. So he frequently asks her if she still loves him. And he needs constant, continuous reassurance that their relationship is okay, that she wants to be with him, that the relationship is strong. And this behavior sometimes strains the relationships, making Maria feel like she's being suffocated. Any of these sound familiar? Hit home with you? So what do we need to do if we're in this situation? Well, we need to have awareness. We need to notice when it happens.

We need to take ourselves out of the moment and start to feel it. We need to develop some self-compassion for ourselves, practice some self-love and say, okay, yeah, I understand why you are this way. You know, this is something you developed from childhood, but we're going to work through this together. And then set boundaries with yourself. Learn to differentiate between your needs and your anxieties. So like a need can be quality time four times a week with your partner. An anxiety is needing them to text you every hour while they're out with their friends so that you know that they're not leaving you. Okay? So that is the anxious attachment style. The next one is the avoidant attachment. So,

you know, this one right here is basically forms when caregivers are emotionally distant or neglectful. And so these children learn to suppress their emotional needs, relying on themselves rather than others for comfort or support. This one is mine. You know, my father was an alcoholic. He wasn't around. Sometimes he said he was going to come pick me up to go fishing and I would sit and wait for him and he would forget about me because he was at the bar and he got drunk and he would just never show up. And so sometimes he didn't show up when he was supposed to, sometimes he did show up. And so it was very much like neglectful in that way. I never went without a meal, so I wasn't neglected in that way. But in turn, because of the fact that I had this relationship with him and I realized that I couldn't rely on him, I subconsciously

in my head just learned to become a loner. I just thought to myself, I can't trust anybody. I can't trust anybody but myself. I'll do it all on my own. So I became extremely dependent, sorry, independent and not needing anybody else. So when you grow up and you have this attachment style, those with this attachment style tend to be very, they really, really value independence and self-sufficiency. And they often tend to avoid emotional closeness. This happened a lot in my relationships where they would get to like a glass ceiling as far as how much I could open up. And then I couldn't, I felt like I couldn't go any further. And because of the fact that I couldn't go any further,

I couldn't open up anymore, the relationships never got any better. And then they just ended up fizzling out because the person I was in a relationship with was like, ah, I don't feel like there's any more to this guy. And so they also might struggle with trusting others or actually sharing their feelings, leading to feeling like they're very distant

in the relationships, and relationships end up feeling really unfulfilling. And so real life example number one, so let's say Mike really values his interdependence, and he finds it hard to open up to his partner, Anna. When Anna tries to then discuss their future together, Mike will then shut off or change his subject, fearing that intimacy

might lead to losing his autonomy. Okay, does that hit home with anybody out there? Real life example number two, and I know that as I'm going through this, some of you guys are going, oh my god, that's me, and some of you guys are going, oh my god, that was my boyfriend, oh my god, that was my girlfriend, oh my gosh, I'm starting to, this is all making sense now. Second real life example, let's say Lisa, she's a highly successful woman in her career, but she struggles with her relationship. She's very driven and go, go, go, but she tends to keep her emotions to herself and avoids deep conversations. So when her boyfriend tries to get closer, she often responds with indifference or changes the topic to something less personal so that she doesn't feel like she has to open up because she just relies on herself and doesn't want to open up

to people. For me, it was basically like all of the above, right? For me, it was I needed to discover my emotions. There was a moment in time where I was like, I don't know if I have emotions. Like 15 years ago, I was like, am I just like an emotionless person? And so I had to like discover my emotions in understanding that there was a limiter that I was putting on myself unconsciously. And I got into the relationship with Lauren and we started talking about this. And I was like, I don't know how to get past this thing. And we had a friend who's, we still have a friend, he's still around.

So we have a friend who is a relationship therapist, which I recommend for everybody. And he was talking to us and he's like, Lauren, your job in this relationship is to try to show Rob how to open up more to love, to try to show him what is outside of his capacity. And so what helped was honestly opening, in trying and asking and communicating. But one thing that really helped me as weird as this sounds, I'm just going to be fully transparent. What really helped me start opening myself up more to love was actually having a dog, right?

It felt safe with him, with our dog, Toby, because I knew Toby wouldn't fuck me over, right? So I was like, oh, I'm going to open myself up. And so I actually used like my love growing for this dog and allowed myself to open up to him, knowing that this was actually helping me discover parts of myself that I had never found before. And so I really think that if you feel like you're emotionally blocking in ways, is to actually try to find an animal that you know your animal is not going to screw you over. It's not going to turn an animal that you can, you know, your animal is not going to screw you over. You know, it's not going to turn you back. It's back on you. And so it's like, you can try to

open yourself up and use that animal for practice of like, oh my gosh, I love you so much. Like saying that you love them, all of that type of stuff. Another thing that really helped me was like a lot of meditation, a lot of journaling, a lot of being with myself and asking myself the tough questions. You know, quite a few psychedelic experiences happened as well. It didn't happen overnight where I was able to open myself up. It's been a 10-year journey at this point. But now what I was really working on is where I've gotten to, which is I feel safe to open up to the person I'm in a relationship with. And so that's really important to get to that point. The fourth one with the fourth attachment style is fearful and avoidant attachment. This is also known as disorganized attachment. This attachment style develops in environments

where caregivers are abusive, unpredictable, or neglectful. And so children in these situations often experience fear and confusion, leading to lack of coherent attachment strategy. So they're just kind of all over the board. They're kind of all three of the other attachment styles. And so in adult life, fearful avoidant, fearful avoidant, adults often have conflicting desires for intimacy. Like they want to be intimate with someone else, but they also have this really hard, like fear of being hurt. And they might want to be really close to relationships, but they're also really afraid of being vulnerable. So they feel and they seem very erratic and unpredictable in their behaviors and so like the first example let's say Laura she desires a

deep connection with her partner Jake but often feels overwhelmed by the fear of being hurt so she alternates between seeking closeness and then pushing Jake away and it's a cycle of tension and confusion in the relationship. Another example would be, let's say, Tom. Tom really wants a meaningful relationship, but finds himself pulling away whenever someone starts to get too close. And so his past experiences with unpredictable caregivers made it hard for him to trust other people.

And so this leads to a pattern of short-lived, but really tumultuous relationships. He's really close and then he pulls away. He's really close and then he pulls away. What's really important is no matter what style you are, if you want to improve, the first thing that we all need to do is we all need to develop self-awareness. If this really hits home with you, I recommend reading more about this. And so become more self-aware. Reflect on your childhood experiences and how they might have influenced your current behaviors and your emotions and the way that you are in relationships.

Another thing that I would definitely recommend for people is going to therapy. If this is something that you want to work on, if you're going, oh my gosh, I'm noticing that I'm this way and my husband is this way, I recommend just simply searching for a couples therapist. A couples therapist does not mean there's anything wrong

in a relationship, but it's kind of like having a third party that can help you both see each other better. I recommend it 100% if that's something that you want to work on. The third thing is you need to have open and honest communication with your partner. So if this is hitting home with you, maybe play this episode for your partner and say, hey, what do you feel about this? I'm identifying that I think I'm kind of like avoidant attachment. What do you feel like you are? Do you feel like you're okay? You feel like you're this and you start to communicate and come up with a plan of helping each other. This really helped me when I found out that the type of attachment style that I was, I communicate with Lauren. I was like, hey, can you help me open up? And then the other thing I recommend is just

being more mindful, having more time to be quiet, and start noticing the thoughts going on in your head and start challenging your thoughts that are going on in your head so you don't have these impulsive reactions that are just driven by insecure attachment styles. Ultimately, what we're all searching for is healthier relationships. And by understanding yourself and understanding others, you're going to be able to communicate more effectively and have better relationships. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share on Instagram stories. Tag me in it. Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you love this podcast, you'll definitely love Mindset Mentor Plus. It is a program that I created that takes every single podcast that comes out of this podcast four times a week. And we create worksheets, detailed

worksheets that you can print out, you can underline, you can highlight, and it goes deeper than just the podcast itself so that you can really just have like a mini masterclass for every single episode that comes out. It goes deeper than just the podcast. It's got journaling questions, it's got assignments, it's got all of these different things so that you can really integrate every single episode. Also, there's an entire community of over a thousand people that are in this that you can meet, that you can get to know. You can see if anybody lives in your area and start to meet other people who are on the self-development journey as well. And then last but not least, the other thing that we do is we do monthly Q&A sessions where I go live on Zoom and

answer questions that are live right there. So if that sounds like something that you want to learn more about, just go to mindsetmentor.com. You can watch the video that's up there. Once again, it's mindsetmentor.com. And with that, I that's up there. Once again, it's mindsetmentor.com. And with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.