The Mindset Mentor - How To Have More Self Love

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you want to improve yourself and you want to do it through journaling, I created a brand new video lesson on how to journal as well as 30 free journaling prompts to help you get started in your journaling process. If you want that absolutely free, go to mindsetmentorjournal.com right now. Once again, mindsetmentorjournal.com, and you can download it absolutely free. Today, we're going to be talking about self-love. We're going to talk about how to love yourself more. We're going to talk about how to change your negative self-talk. I hear this so often. I hear so many people saying I

Starting point is 00:00:49 talk negatively to myself. I'm my worst critic. I guilt myself. I shame myself. I'm so bad to myself. And so what I want to talk about is it seems like self-love can be so corny, like, oh, just love yourself more. But in reality, what I'm really talking about is being your biggest fan. Stop being your biggest critic and start being your biggest fan. Why is self-love so important? Because if you love yourself and you truly appreciate yourself, it helps with your confidence. If you don't and you talk trash to yourself, it hurts with your confidence, which in turn affects the actions that you do take in this world or the actions that you don't take in this world. You know, if you look at somebody who is a confident person, that's

Starting point is 00:01:38 somebody who I'm sure they talk negatively to themselves sometimes, but I'm sure more often than not, they actually talk positively to themselves, which but I'm sure more often than not, they actually talk positively to themselves, which makes it easier for them to take action. When you look at someone that's not confident, when you look at someone who's not taking action, when they're beating themselves up in their head, let's be real, it just doesn't feel good, right? It doesn't feel good to shame yourself and guilt yourself and be your biggest self-critic. And when you don't feel good, it makes it really hard to take action. And it also just affects the way that you feel. It affects the way that you carry yourself in every single moment. It affects the way that you interact with others. It affects so many areas

Starting point is 00:02:14 of your life. And that will in turn affect what you do or do not do in this world. It will affect if you do or do not find a significant other or what significant other you end up attracting because you attract someone who is like you. So if you are not confident, if you are negative to yourself, you won't be able to attract the confident person, the type of person that you could attract. The energy just, it won't match, right? And so like men, if you're listening out there, I know you can relate. If you want to attract like an awesome, badass, confident woman, you have to be on another level of confidence. And it all comes back to the way that you treat

Starting point is 00:02:55 yourself. It all comes back to your self-love. It all comes back to the way that you talk to yourself. So in today's episode, I'm going to be teaching you some tips on how to be better to yourself, how to be your best friend, how to be your biggest fan, how to have more self-love. And so to start off, I want you to imagine just for a moment, imagine a child who has talked down to their entire lives, right? Imagine a child whose parent tells them that they're stupid and then they're worthless and that they're unlovable and that they're an idiot. And then they go to school and they hear from their teachers and that they're unlovable, and that they're an idiot. And then they go to school, and they hear it from their teachers, and they hear it from everybody. They're told how stupid they are, that they'll never amount to anything. Day in, day out,

Starting point is 00:03:33 most of the day, people are just talking trash to them. It's terrible to think about, isn't it? But it happens. The amount of conversations I've had with people whose parents are just not good people, if I'm being honest, and they just treated them so terribly and blamed them for everything bad in their life and was so hardcore and militant with what they could and could not do, and they had to do everything perfect, but there's no way to be perfect. It's terrible to think about, but it happens. If you think about that child and you think about fast forwarding a year of that, two years of that, three years of that, how wounded do you think that child would be? Not physically, but mentally, emotionally, spiritually. How wounded do you think they would be? Probably a lot, right? And how do you think

Starting point is 00:04:23 that that would affect them in what they believe in themselves as they grow up? You can see it, right? You can understand it. You can start to see how if their parents are just really negative, maybe they have a father that just talks down to them and talks trash to them and expects perfection and is militant and tells them how they're not good enough, smart enough, unlovable, whatever it might be. You can see how that talk would affect them long-term in their life, right? It's obvious that it would. What the hell is the difference between that child and you? Don't think that just because you're older that something's different. There's very little difference between that child and their abuser and you and your abuser. But the difference is your abuser is you. Your abuser, if you talk negatively to yourself, if you shame yourself,

Starting point is 00:05:16 if you guilt yourself, the abuser, your abuser is you. The child can walk away eventually. You can't walk away from yourself. If you talk down to yourself, if you talk negatively to yourself, if you guilt yourself and shame yourself, you are your own abuser. Just admit it finally. And I always think about this one time. I saw this video. My friend Jay Shetty shared it years ago. Then he sat down with these ladies and they were in their probably late 20s, early 30s. And he said, hey, do you have negative self-talk? And they said, yes, I have negative self-talk. He said, here's what I want you to do. Here's a pen and paper. I want you to write down all

Starting point is 00:05:53 of the things that you say to yourself, whatever they might be, whether it's stupid, you look fat, you're unlovable, you're acne, any of those things. Write down every bad thing that you say to yourself. And they come up with this massive list. He says, okay, hey, we're going to go into another room. Bring the pen and paper with you. They bring them into the other room. And in the other room is their little sister. And their little sisters are like 8, 9, 10, 12, 13 years old. And they sit down across from them. And he gives them the pen and paper. And he says, I want you to tell her what you wrote down on that piece of paper and say it directly to her. And they're like, appalled. These women are just appalled. No, I would never do that. I would never

Starting point is 00:06:34 say that. And he's like, if you won't say it to them, your little sister, why would you say it to yourself? Right? You would never talk to someone that you love the way that you talk to yourself. So why do you do it? Because if you truly love yourself, you should talk to yourself the way that you would talk to that little sister. You know, it's like the example of like you go on a, your friend goes on a first date. She gets a Tinder date or whatever people are using nowadays. And she swipes whatever direction you swipe. She goes on this date with this guy. In the middle of the date, he ends up leaving. And he's like, hey, I just don't think we're a good fit. Like, you're a nice person and stuff. We're just not a good fit. And she calls you up first and she's on her way home and she feels really bad and she

Starting point is 00:07:16 feels really down about, he just ended up leaving. He said I wasn't a good fit. You know, and you're there. Would you go, well, yeah, of course, that makes sense. I mean, if we're being honest, you put on like 15 pounds in the past six months and your job kind of sucks and you're also not that smart and really not the most lovable and you just go off on your, would you, would you do that to your friend if they were going through that? No, of course you'd support her. You'd make her feel good. But if something like that happens to you, you talk negatively to yourself. Why? What do you say when you look in the mirror? What do you say to yourself? Do you look in the mirror and you're like, oh, you're looking older. You got a gray hair. You're getting a little fat. You got some acne. You're getting pudgy. Look at that muffin top. Why don't you get your fat ass

Starting point is 00:08:05 to the gym? Do you say that type of stuff to yourself? Because that ain't helping. I'm telling you. I promise you that. Or do you look at yourself and you're like, you know what? You're doing your best. You're getting better. You've been reading. You've been going to the gym a little bit more. You've been eating a little bit healthier. And for that, I'm proud of you. Do you talk to yourself that way or the other way? Do you compare yourself to other people? Comparison's a thief of all joy. Don't compare your body to someone on Instagram that could basically be changing their body around through Photoshop. You know, like I always see, my wife always shows me that someone will pop up on her Instagram and it'll be this real skinny woman.

Starting point is 00:08:44 Her arms are down at her side. And you guys know if you've seen this before. And then like their elbows look like they're huge because they're actually pulling in their stomach. And when they pull in their stomach, their elbows in the picture pull in with it. So they look like they're kind of like, like a fake arms, right? There's people that you could be looking on an Instagram and comparing yourself to someone, but you don't realize they're fully Photoshopping themselves. Or, you know, you just started your fitness journey and they've been on their fitness journey for 16 years. You know, and you tell yourself, oh, you're just fat.

Starting point is 00:09:13 You're, you know, you don't look anywhere near as good as them. You're not going to be as good as them. Right? You can't compare yourself to other people who are either further along the journey than you or who are photoshopping themselves. Comparison is the thief of all joy. Hey, do you have any subscriptions that maybe you're paying for and forgot about? If so, you need to check out Rocket Money. The thing I love about Rocket Money is how easy it is for me to cancel a subscription. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels all of your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps you lower your bills all in one place. Over 80% of people have subscriptions that they forgot about and chances are you're probably

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Starting point is 00:11:31 betterhelp.com slash dial. But you talk trash to yourself because you procrastinated and now you're comparing yourself to, you know, someone who looks better than you in a bikini or who has more of a six-pack than you, or you're comparing yourself to your friend who just bought that massive house, the friend from high school you haven't seen in a long time, or you're pissed because you're driving a, you know, 20-year-old Kia and, you know, you're thinking about the 18-year-old Bitcoin millionaire that just put up pictures on Instagram of his new Lamborghini, and you're comparing yourself and you're talking trash to yourself. You're comparing yourself, you're talking trash to yourself.

Starting point is 00:12:07 Here's the thing that you have to realize. Where you are is where you are. That's a fact. There's nothing that you could change about where you currently are in this moment. The only thing that you can change is from here forward. I do know one fact. It will be harder to motivate yourself to go to the gym. It'll be harder to motivate yourself to stop procrastinating and to work harder to create the life that you want if you feel like shit. And guess what talking trash to yourself does? It makes you feel like shit. So if you're trying to create the life that you want, but you're too busy talking shit to yourself, you're too busy guilting yourself, shaming yourself, telling yourself how you're not good enough, all of that, it's going to be even harder to make a

Starting point is 00:12:54 change. How do you feel when you see someone you haven't seen in a while, maybe six months, and they're like, oh my God, you look so much better. You look great. You've lost some weight. Look at how well you're doing. I'm so proud of you. They tell you how much they love you. They tell you that you're doing so much good in the world that they're proud of all the things that you overcome. And they actually tell you from like a real place of love. And you can feel that they're telling you from a place of love. How does that make you feel? It should feel great, doesn't it? If it actually sinks in and you can let yourself accept a compliment, it feels great, right?

Starting point is 00:13:29 Imagine if you had that person all day, every day in your head. Imagine what you could be if you just had that person in your side. Imagine if you could talk to yourself the same way that that person talks to you. you could talk to yourself the same way that that person talks to you. If you could turn from your biggest critic to your biggest fan, you've got to learn to be your biggest fan. You've got to notice when you're not saying the things that you should say to yourself, which is in and of itself another thing because you actually have to become aware of what you're saying to yourself. Become aware of, oh my gosh, what did I just say? Why did I just say that to myself? That was so terrible. I'm going to take that one negative

Starting point is 00:14:08 thing I just said to myself. I'm going to look in the mirror. I'm going to look myself in the eye. I'm going to say three positive things. Because you're either your biggest fan or your biggest critic. You're the biggest fan or your biggest critic. I know one of my things I used to do when I would give speeches, I don't give a whole lot of speeches anymore. It's not really something that I do a whole lot of, but I used to go and I would give speeches and I would be in groups of people and I'd say, okay, you have 60 seconds. We're going to have a competition. I want you to write down all of the negative things about yourself, all of the things that you hate about yourself, the things that you wish were different. Make a list. We're going to have a competition, 60 seconds, ready, set, go. And people would just write and they'd be, you know,

Starting point is 00:14:48 it was just like hardcore. People would be writing. They'd have these massive lists. At the end of 60 seconds, they'd have like 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 things that they don't like about themselves that they want to change. They're pissed off about themselves. They hate about themselves, whatever it might be. They'd have this massive list. I'd say, okay, now we're going to flip it. You have 60 seconds, write down everything that you love about yourself. Go. And people would be like, um. And it was like, it was so interesting because you can realize people had like 60 things that they hate about themselves in 60 seconds and like three things they love about themselves. And you realize the reason why it's so hard to think three things they love about themselves. And you realize the reason why

Starting point is 00:15:25 it's so hard to think of things they love about themselves is because they don't think about those things often, but they do think about all the things they hate about themselves. They do say all of those things themselves every single day. And so we're so used to thinking about what we don't want, what we want to change, what we hate, which I do think is naturally part of the human condition, is because if we look at the fact that two million years ago, we don't have food right now, we're going to look at the negative thing to try to overcome it. And we're not going to look at like, oh, well, I feel good in my caveman loincloth, right? We're not going to do that. But nowadays, we have food, water,

Starting point is 00:16:05 shelter, clothing, all of that stuff, but our brain still inherently goes to negative. We have to actually push ourselves to be more positive because you get what you focus on. And if you focus on all of the shit, I promise you this, you're going to get more shit. Your input in your brain will equal the output. Like it drives me crazy how many people think that they could just be negative themselves, talk trash to themselves, all of this, and just think they're magically going to create a positive life, create a beautiful life. No, it's like what you put in is what you'll get out. If you walk up to a garden, you plant strawberry seeds, you know that you're not going to get tomatoes that are going to grow. Same thing that if you plant negative seeds in your mind, you will get more negative things.

Starting point is 00:16:50 You will get the fruit that you bear. Like you will bear the fruit that you put in there. Like it's just the way that it goes. If you focus on shit, you're going to get more shit. So if you start to think about this, why don't you start focusing on everything that you do love about yourself? I used to have people do this as well when they become brand new clients of mine because so many people were so negative and it was driving me crazy as I would say, okay, here's one of your assignments for this week. I want you to create like an awesome list. I want you to create every single little teeny tiny thing that you love about yourself, every little achievement that you've had. If you got fourth place in a third grade spelling bee, I want you to write that you got fourth place in a third grade

Starting point is 00:17:30 spelling bee. Whatever it is that you've done, I want you to create an awesome list, this list that makes you an awesome person. And people would come back and they'd be like, I didn't think I could come up with 100 things, but I somehow came up with 100 things. I said, yes. Did it take you time? Oh, it took me so much time. Of course it did. Why? Because you're never focusing on what you're doing well. You're always focusing on what you're not doing well. And so you have to realize if you want to create the life that you want to, if you want to get past your fears, your limiting beliefs, create the life that you want, all of those things, you have to start focusing on what is that you love about yourself. You have to start being your biggest fan. It's so much easier to

Starting point is 00:18:04 take action when you feel good. And when you feel good, it usually comes from the way that you speak to yourself. Now, will you be perfect 100% in every single thought that you have? Absolutely not. And I don't intend to ever be perfect in my thoughts. But I do know that when a negative thought pops up, I like to replace it with a positive thought. Three positive thoughts. When you have those ants, automatic negative thoughts that pop up, can you replace them with three positive things? When you notice yourself saying shit to yourself in your head, can you immediately replace it? And what you notice is as you start doing this, you become more mindful of what is it you say. Become more mindful of all of this.

Starting point is 00:18:40 I remember hearing Peter Attia was talking about this on a podcast and he was saying for the first 47 years of his life, like he was a militant. He was so hard on himself and the stuff that he would say and he would scream it out loud to himself sometimes as well was so hard that he was like, I can't keep doing this. I've got to stop. And he went to a place, psychologists were like, yeah, we can help you. We could help you get through it. And he's like, I don't honestly think that you can. I've been talking to myself this way for 47 years. I don't think it's going to take, it's going to take another 40 years to change me. And they go, okay, we'll just do exactly what you say and we'll help you change yourself. So his therapist, whenever he would start to notice himself talk negatively to himself,

Starting point is 00:19:22 what he would say is therapist would say, here's what I want you to do. Whenever you notice yourself talk negatively to yourself about this thing, this thing that you messed up on, what I want you to do is I want you to record a voice message and imagine that you're talking to your best friend. So he has a best friend and he said, I want you to imagine your best friend calls you and says, hey, this is the thing that I just screwed up on. I need some help. I need you to tell me how to get out of it. I need you to tell me, you know, I need you to make me feel better. And the psychologist said, what would you say to your friend? I want you to record that in a voicemail. And so what happened was he would record it and he would pretend that he's talking to his friend every single time that he would

Starting point is 00:19:58 quote unquote screw up or do something wrong. And he would pretend that he was talking to his friend to make his friend feel better about the thing that he screwed up with. And then he had to hit send and he had to send it to his psychologist. And he's like, man, I felt so bad. It was like seven voice notes, 10 voice notes a day. And I was sending it and sending it and sending it and sending it and sending it. And then over time, I realized that I wasn't sending as many. And it literally took 47 years of negatively talking to himself. It took four months to rewire that out of himself. Because what happened was he started getting into the repetition of instead of talking negatively to himself and then recording the voice message and pretending he's talking to his best friend and sending to a psychologist, he started

Starting point is 00:20:42 noticing the negative self-talk and stopping it in the middle and then replacing it with a positive self-talk. So it's not something that just goes away immediately, but if he can change 47 years in four months, do you think that you could probably change it in the next couple of months? You can. You've just got to be aware of the thoughts and you've got to learn a way to replace it and speak to yourself the same way that you speak to someone that you love. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. I'm going to be honest with you. I love seeing every single time this podcast is shared. I always check my Instagram stories and where I've been tagged and all the mentions and all that stuff. And I greatly, greatly appreciate you all for always sharing this podcast.

Starting point is 00:21:23 It helps us grow more than you know. And with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - How To Have More Self Love

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