The Mindset Mentor - How To Improve Communication In Your Relationships

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast, the number one mindset podcast in the entire world. Thanks to you guys out there listening. If you're the type of person who's out there and you want to grow and improve yourself and become better and understand that the better that you become, the better your life becomes, hit that subscribe button. We put out four episodes every single week to help you grow, to help you improve, and to help you get better as a person. Today, we're going to be diving into how to improve your communication skills in your relationships in order to have better relationships. I would

Starting point is 00:00:44 say one of the biggest breakdowns of relationships is usually communication. And if somebody has bad communication in their relationship, it's probably going to turn into a negative outcome later on down the road. And if someone has good communication between the two people in the relationship, it's probably going to turn into a positive, or at least long-term will probably turn into positive relationship. And we're going to talk about how to improve the communication in your relationship. This is really, really good with romantic relationships, but more than anything else, it'll help you with all of your relationships. This is going to help you understand

Starting point is 00:01:15 some of the times the way that you speak to your children, the way that your children react. It's going to help you with the way that you speak to your mom and the way that your mom reacts. And these are all patterns that we're going to go through. And these patterns in relationships can be present with any of the types of relationships. They definitely show up in a very strong way with romantic, but it's also friendships, it's family, it's children, it's parents, it's sister, all of that stuff. Any relationship you have to understand over time is going to develop patterns. And it's important for us as the people who are here wanting to learn and grow ourselves. It's important for us to take ourselves out of the relationship and actually look at it from a

Starting point is 00:01:55 third person viewpoint and start to see the patterns that we have and see the patterns that are serving both people in the relationship, but then also see the patterns that are not serving the people in relationship. And more than anything else, as we do this, it is about us, me and you taking ownership for how we show up because we're the ones that are here learning and growing and try to improve ourselves. So we can't take ownership for anybody else. The only thing we can do is take ownership for how we show up in these relationships. And so what we're going to go through is we're going to go through a book, basically, that Joel Gottman wrote called The Four Horsemen and its criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. These are communication patterns that can be really destructive in any relationship if it's left

Starting point is 00:02:40 unchecked. And so we're going to dive deeper into each of the four horsemen. I'm going to give you examples of how they can manifest in relationships, but also how do we overcome them if we notice that one of the four horsemen is in the relationship. So let's dive into each one. It's going to make a lot more sense to you. So the first one is criticism. Criticism is the first of the four horsemen and is characterized by attacking a person's character or attacking their personality rather than attacking and talking about their behavior. Right? So it's, it's basically attacking who they are versus what they did saying things like, well, you always do this or you never do this and making it into absolutes always never like those are full-on absolutes means that there's no room it's you're always this way there's no there's no room to try

Starting point is 00:03:31 to improve as someone who's always that way it could also be you know name calling it could be sarcastically putting somebody down often oh yeah like just taking little negative comments and throwing it out it's like a death by a thousand cuts It's like it's not a big deal until it is. And so criticism can be really particularly destructive if it happens often. And it can really lead to the other person feeling the feelings of resentment or disconnection from the other person. So let me give you an example of what I mean. Let's say, for example, that a partner is frequently criticizing their other partner for not being tidy enough, right? So the problem is that the

Starting point is 00:04:11 person's not being tidy. The problem is that it's not tidy in the house. And so what happens is a lot of times, instead of focusing on the behavior of not being tidy, the partner might say things like, oh, you're so lazy. You never do anything around the house. And what they do is they criticize the person, not the behavior. And so that just makes somebody feel like shit and usually makes somebody defensive or make somebody coil away and not want to be part of speaking to that person because they don't want to fight. Right? So the problem, the behavior is they're not tidy. What can be said to the person a lot of times is you're so lazy. You never do anything around the house. You might say this to your partner. You also might say it to your children and just be like, oh, you're so lazy. You're never cleaning up your room.

Starting point is 00:04:57 You never do anything around the house. And now what happens is that the child is criticized by the parent. And really what happens is we need to actually criticized by the parent and really what happens is we need to actually start to talk about the behavior not the person and this type of language attacks the person's character rather than address in specific behavior so to address criticism focus on if you if you are the type person who are you notice like oh my yeah, I definitely do that in the relationship. I do that with my husband or I do that with my daughter. To address the criticism that may be of the way that you show up, focus on the specific behaviors rather than attacking the person's character.

Starting point is 00:05:36 It's not who they are. It's just something that they have done. Those are two vastly different things. Those are two vastly different things. So a more effective approach might be something like, instead of saying like, hey, you never clean up around the house, would be saying like, hey, I would really appreciate it if you could help me clean up around the house. The key as well in this is anytime they do anything around the house, thank them.

Starting point is 00:06:07 Because what happens, sometimes people will attack somebody and be like, you never do anything around the house, thank them. Because what happens, sometimes people will attack somebody and be like, you never do anything around the house. And then they do one thing around the house and they're like, yeah, well, you're still not doing anything else. So that's not done well enough. And it's like, you're just continuing to attack this person. That's not going to help them want to do it next time. The thing that you have to understand is people respond way better to positive reinforcement over negative reinforcement. Everybody in this world just wants to be loved and accepted. And so if you can understand that, if they put, if your son puts a fork away, praise the shit out of him for it, right?

Starting point is 00:06:41 Just, oh my God, thank you so much. You did it. And don't do it in like a condescending way, but just praise them for it. It makes people feel good. And when people feel good, they want to feel good again. And so they want to, and it makes them more likely to do it again. This is really, really good for partners. It's really good for children. Children don't want to feel like their parents' love is being retracted from them when you're yelling at them or criticizing them. What they want is they want to feel loved and accepted and so if you can praise them in a non-condescending way of course

Starting point is 00:07:10 whenever they do something they're more likely to do it again if you're someone who is in a relationship with someone who's criticizing you what you need to say is is hey listen I would really appreciate that's how you start listen can I be honest with you like I would really appreciate if you wouldn't put me down so much if you really appreciate if you wouldn't put me down so much. If you, I would really appreciate if you wouldn't make so many backhanded comments. I would really appreciate if you would just not attack me so much because I'm feeling really attacked and to try to open up those lines of communication with them. So that's the first thing, which is criticism. The second one is contempt and contempt is actually the

Starting point is 00:07:43 number one reason for divorce. Contempt is the second of the four horsemen and is characterized by the feelings of resentment or disrespect towards a partner and whoever's in that relationship, right? So what exactly does that mean? What it is, it's a communication pattern that can take many forms, including sarcasm, including eye rolling, including name calling, thinking that you are better than them in some sort of way and only seeing what they're doing wrong. And I get it. Sometimes we're in a relationship with someone and we start seeing all of the things that they're doing wrong because our brain is always looking for negative. Our brain's always looking for what is wrong. So we sometimes, if we're not paying attention, we'll only see what they're doing

Starting point is 00:08:22 wrong. And then our brain will only be searching for what they're doing wrong. And then over time, we start to resent them in a lot of different ways versus seeing what they're doing right. Like actually being intentional for seeing what they're doing, right? Whatever you search for, if you're searching for what they're doing wrong, you're going to find all these things that they're doing wrong because no one's perfect. If you're searching for what they're doing right, you'll find a ton of different ways for things that they're doing wrong because no one's perfect. If you're searching for what they're doing right, you'll find a ton of different ways for things that they're doing right.

Starting point is 00:08:46 So for example, let's say that your partner is, let's say that a partner, let's take you out of it. Let's just talk about a couple. Let's say that a partner is frequently contempt towards their significant other. Let me show you how this can show up. They might use sarcasm when their partner talks about their hobbies. Cause they're like, Oh, you're not going to do that. Right. In their head, they're, they're, they're thinking about, Oh, you know, do you know how many times that they've said they've wanted to do something like that? And they said they wanted to learn something new and then they don't, or like maybe a partner shares their goals and they're like, I want to, I want to lose 10 pounds.

Starting point is 00:09:20 And they're like, all right. And they do some eye rolling or sarcasm because they're thinking in their mind, in their mind, like we've been together for 15 years. You know how many times you fucking told me that you're going to lose 10 pounds? And so what happens is people will do that with their partner and they take the past and they throw it onto the current present moment. So it can show up by that way. It can show an eye rolling when the partner makes a mistake, of course they're doing that again. Of course they're being that way. They show disgust towards them in how they say they're going to do something and how they might be excited about something and whatever it might be. This type of behavior though can make the other partner feel really disrespected

Starting point is 00:09:59 and unappreciated, which over time really is going to build up. And so to address contempt, try building a culture in your relationship of appreciation. I find that a lot of relationships that, you know, a lot of people come to me, I'm not a relationship coach in any sort of way, but I coach a lot of people and there's a lot of people that are relationships. And a lot of relationships don't have a culture of appreciation. They don't really necessarily appreciate each other a whole lot. They don't make it an intention to actually do so. They usually just find what they're doing wrong versus finding what they're doing right. And so really what you want to do is try to build a culture of appreciation in the relationship.

Starting point is 00:10:38 And sometimes that involves you being the first person to actually start to appreciate the other person and saying it out loud. And it can involve, you know, making a conscious effort to express gratitude or show appreciation for the other person, no matter how big or how small that thing is. Okay. So that's number two, which is contempt. Number three is defensiveness. And defensiveness is the third of the four horsemen. And it's characterized by a tendency to defend oneself rather than taking responsibility for one's actions. And so this communication pattern often comes up in response to criticism or contempt. And so a lot of people are really bad at taking criticism. Not everybody,

Starting point is 00:11:19 but a lot of people are very bad at taking criticism because they feel attacked versus being like, okay, can I actually learn from this? Can I actually get better in this way? And it can lead to a downward spiral of negative communication patterns. A lot of us, just so you know, develop the pattern of defensiveness with our parents and having to defend ourselves. Your parents will come in and they'll yell at you for something or they'll say that you didn't do that thing. And you can develop the pattern of feeling like you have to be on the defense with people that you love. And so then you get into a relationship with someone and FYI, your romantic partner is just a proxy for your parents. That's why usually whatever is wrong with your relationship with your parents, usually, not always, but usually pops up in your relationship with your

Starting point is 00:12:04 romantic partners. And so really a lot of us develop this pattern with our parents having to defend ourselves. And it really carries into being an adult as well. And so, you know, when one partner becomes defensive and another partner is like, hey, can I talk to you about something? Like you're not being tidy. And then the other person gets defensive and starts yelling at the other person. It can be really difficult for the first partner to express concerns without feeling attacked. And so what happens over time is they've expressed they've been attacked and they've expressed that they've been attacked and they've expressed they've been attacked. And they're like, I'm not even going to express anymore how I feel because every time I do, I get attacked.

Starting point is 00:12:43 And then what happens? They start pushing things under the rug, push things under the rug, push things under the rug, and then ends up getting too big and it blows up. So like, for example, let's say a partner becomes defensive when their significant other brings up a concern about their behavior or how they're acting or what they're doing or not doing. And instead of taking responsibility for their actions, they might say things like, oh, you didn't, you know, you're overreacting. It's not that big of a deal. You're overreacting. I didn't do anything wrong. I only did that because of what you did, right? And they never really take any responsibility at all. And so this type of response really makes the person who brings the thing that they want to

Starting point is 00:13:26 talk about or they want to bring up, it makes them feel unheard. It makes them feel frustrated. It makes them feel as if their feelings are not valid. And so to really address defensiveness, like if you notice that you are the type of person who is defensive is really start to work on trying to take responsibility for your actions rather than making excuses or blaming other people. Because this is a very common thing that people have. And a lot of times both partners have this in the relationship, it becomes a pattern. And so neither one of them speak up and actually communicate. And so what happens is, you know, so your partner will come to you and say something happened and you're like, I didn't do that. No, you're being, you're overreacting. It's not that big of a deal. Oh, I only did this because you did it. And then they gaslight you

Starting point is 00:14:14 for whatever you gaslight them for whatever it is that they did, you know, even though you did it. And so really to address it, if you feel like, you know what, I am the type of person who can be defensive, try taking responsibility for your actions rather than making excuses. And so a more effective response would be like, hey, listen, I'm sorry, I can see how that behavior might have hurt you. You know, really what an antidote is for that is just accept responsibility. Own your part for how you showed up. None of us are perfect. You're not perfect. And so, you know, get better at taking criticism, get better at taking responsibility

Starting point is 00:14:47 for the actions that you do take. So that's number three. And number four is stonewalling. Stonewalling is the fourth and final of the four horsemen, which lead to relationships failing, which means withdrawing from a conversation or an interaction in some sort of way, rather than actually being a part of an engaging.

Starting point is 00:15:04 So this communication pattern often arises when you feel overwhelmed, or when you feel flooded with emotions. And it can really be a sign of a partner is feeling emotionally disconnected from the other one. And so when you look at it, stonewalling can be really damaging to a relationship because it also makes the other partner, once again, like the last one, feel unheard or feel ignored in this way or feel neglected in some sort of way. And so let's say like a couple is having an argument and one of the partner is starting to feel overwhelmed with emotions. A lot of us are not taught how to deal with emotions as children. So there's maybe an argument going on and one of the partners is feeling flooded with emotions.

Starting point is 00:15:44 So there's maybe an argument going on and one of the partners is feeling flooded with emotions. They might withdraw from the conversation, stop responding, leave the room, or be like, I'm not talking about this. That would be stonewalling. And this type of behavior can leave the other person feel like they're ignored, they're frustrated, and like their feelings don't matter. And it usually makes them feel like the person who left, even though they were leaving because they're flooded with emotions, it actually makes the other person feel like they don't matter. And it usually makes them feel like the person who left, even though they were leaving because they were flooded with emotions, it actually makes the other person feel like they don't care. And so if stonewalling is something that you do and you're like, you know what? Yeah, I do get too emotional.

Starting point is 00:16:14 And then I just disconnect or I say, I can't do this or I leave and, you know, leave the house and end up going for a car ride. And then we never talk about it again. You know, try taking a break from the conversation, engage in some self-soothing activities, you know, deep breathing, going on a walk, going on a drive, whatever it might be, and then come back to the conversation when you feel like you've calmed down a little bit. Because, you know, you've heard me say it over and over again, when emotion is high, logic is low. And that's why sometimes you say something in the heat of the moment and you come back

Starting point is 00:16:45 10 minutes later, you're like, oh my God, I can't believe I said that. Like I should not have said that. And so, you know, I have a whole episode on self-soothing. You can go back and listen to that to get better at it. But all you would say is just, hey, listen, I'm feeling flooded right now. Like flooded with emotions. I'm feeling flooded. Can we just please like take a 15 minute break so I can just calm

Starting point is 00:17:05 myself down and I can show up better. And the key is to come back to the conversation or the argument, not to just leave it and then never talk about it again. Like a lot of, you know, people do when they're in relationships. The goal of taking that break is to calm down and to regulate your nervous system, regulate your emotions. So that, you know, your other partner might also feel flooded. But you can come back and both partners can return to the conversation with a clear mind. Once again, remember, when emotion is high, logic is low. When your emotions are very high, it actually turns off and stops sending blood to the prefrontal cortex of your brain, which is where your logic and your decision making

Starting point is 00:17:43 comes from, which is why you can tend to make really bad decisions where your emotions are very high. And so the four horsemen are really an idea. If you want to learn more about it, you can always Google it. You can always read the book, but the four horsemen are just really important for you to understand that, that each one of us are going to show up in one, two, three ways of these four in a relationship. And our partners, our children, our parents, everyone in relationship with is going to start to do this as well. And so if the four horsemen are left unchecked for a long time, it can have really negative effects on a relationship. It can erode the emotional connection between partners. It can lead to feelings of resentment, disconnection, distrust, and in the

Starting point is 00:18:22 most extreme cases, the relationship breaking up in some sort of way. So in order for us to prevent the four horsemen from damaging our relationships, it's really important to be aware of when they pop up, what our patterns are, what the other person that we're in the relationships patterns are, and then try to address them as they arise. The most important thing that you can do really though in a relationship, and this is why it's important to know this, is to work on establishing a really healthy communication pattern. Expressing appreciation for each other, having gratitude for each other, taking responsibility for your own actions. just throw things under the rug, but to address the issues when they arise in both of you working on your communication and not feeling attacked and not attacking and actually work with them rather than letting them fester and grow into something larger. So hopefully you know a little

Starting point is 00:19:15 bit more about yourself. You know a little bit more about others as well. And once again, if you want to learn more about it, you can always Google it and find more about it as well. But with that, I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have

Starting point is 00:19:29 an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - How To Improve Communication In Your Relationships

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