The Mindset Mentor - How to Make Yourself Miserable

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast. And if you love this podcast and you live in the United States or Canada, text me right now, 512-580-9305. Once again, 512-580-9305. Reason why is because I'll start sending some inspirational text messages throughout the week. So let's dive in. Today, we're going to be talking about how to make yourself miserable. So if you want to be miserable, please continue to do these four things. If you don't want to be miserable, you should probably stop doing these two things, or excuse me, these four things. And so these four things are stealing your happiness from you. And all of us, myself included, do this in some capacity. And so if you want to be happier,

Starting point is 00:00:56 I would recommend trying to avoid these as much as you possibly can. So let's dive in. The first one, and this is one that I see a lot of people struggling with, is focusing on things that you cannot control. So as humans, we have a really, really deep, and I think it's innate desire to control our environment. Everyone has problems with this in some capacity. Some people are just like really want to control everything they possibly can. It becomes too much. And some people just want to control a little bit. They wish just a little bit more control in their life. And I think that control and having control makes sense when you think about our ancestors. There's definitely evolutionary advantages in trying to control

Starting point is 00:01:41 everything. It's a mechanism that's allowed us to survive and for our species to continue to stay alive. We lived in a cave at one point in time. Why did our ancestors live in a cave? To try to control the environment, to not get killed. Our ancestors would build teepees. Why? To control the environment when they're on the move why to not get killed they started farming why did they start farming to control the environment to eat to not be able to die from starvation you know they go out and they attack and kill a neighboring tribe why to control the environment to not have them kill us first so that they wouldn't be killed. And so it makes sense that everyone should have a little bit of a control problem. The problem though is in the modern world,

Starting point is 00:02:31 this instinct that we have often misfires throughout our daily life. And so we find ourselves getting really stressed out over things that are on the other side of the earth that we have absolutely no control over. And so we stress about this thing where you can literally do nothing about it on the other side of the earth, but we stress about it because we want to be able to control it. And we can't control it. So then it makes us even more stressed out. Or we stress out about other people's actions or we stress out about the economy, or we stress out about things that are beyond our own individual control. And so, you know, like now that we have social media and we can literally see everything

Starting point is 00:03:11 happening around the entire world, my God, that can get really stressful when you start thinking about all of this stuff. Oh my gosh, this person's doing this over there. Oh my gosh, this political party is doing this. Oh my gosh, this war is happening over here. This war is happening over there. Why do people treat each other that way? Why is this happening? And we're seeing with social media, with YouTube, with the news, we're seeing way more than we can control. You can only control like what, 20 feet around you your entire life. So it's really hard to control everything happening all over the world. And that can get really, really stressful. And so if you want to be miserable, try to control all of the stuff that's happening overseas and the

Starting point is 00:03:49 other political parties and the people that are around you. Because most things that we focus on are completely out of our control. And so when you fixate on these uncontrollable parts of life, you use a ton of mental energy worrying about things that you cannot change. You do not have the control or the capacity to change these things. One of the most common things I hear from people is how much time they spend, how much time throughout their day they spend worrying on something. And when I dive into what they're worrying about and I talk to them about what they're worrying about, like 90, 95% of it is stuff that they can't control. The other 10% is something that

Starting point is 00:04:26 they can control, but a lot of times it's something that's coming to them in the future or might be coming to them in the future. Almost 0% that they can control, they can control and take action on right now. And so usually because they can't control it, because you can't control it, you start to feel helpless, start to feel intense anxiety, stress, because it's like, I got to do something about it, but I can't do anything about it. And so what do we do then? What do we do? The key to this is to identify the things that you can change and identify the things that you cannot change. If you cannot change them, which is most things, like other people, like the weather, like the economy, like global problems, we've just got to try our best to accept them and let them go

Starting point is 00:05:14 and find peace that everything is going to be okay. And I don't mean it's going to be what we want it to be, but I have deep faith that whatever's happening in the world is happening because that's the way that it's going. And I didn't make the plan. I don't know what's going on. I don't know why it's happening, but everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to work out. I can't control it. And so it's not about just resigning to all of it, but it's like, hey, there's nothing I can do about this thing. And so to keep stressing out about it is just going to make me feel worse. And so when I say this, it's like, how can I find peace no matter what's going on all the time? And that's really what life comes down to is like, how can I be the calm in the eye of the storm? And so it's like, I don't know why things are

Starting point is 00:06:01 happening the way they're happening right now. But if we fast forward 10 years, 100 years, 1,000 years, most likely, it's going to end up being all right and things are going to work out. And it's really hard to make that shift in your brain sometimes because I get it. There's a lot of shit that's really happening in the world. But if you can fast forward yourself and be like, yeah, I don't like what's going on. I can't do anything about it. But I do trust that for some reason it's happening. I don't yeah, I don't like what's going on. I can't do anything about it. But I do trust that for some reason it's happening. I don't know. I don't know what good is going to come from in the future. Bad is going to come from the future, but I can at least go. You know what? I can't control it. And I just have faith that it's going to work out. If you can change it though,

Starting point is 00:06:39 then take action and change it. Most people have things that they can change. And instead of changing them, what do they do? They just overthink all of the things that they need to do versus actually doing them. So if you could change it, get off your ass and do something about it. Most people have things that they can change. And instead of changing them, what do they do? They just overthink all of the things that they need to do versus actually doing them. So if you could change it, get off your ass and do something about it. It takes more energy worrying about it and overthinking and over planning than it does just to get up and take action. So that's the first thing that you should continue doing if you want to be miserable. You want to be miserable, just continue to try to keep focusing and controlling everything that you can't control. Have that control problem. That's going to make you miserable. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. Number two, what also makes you miserable

Starting point is 00:07:16 is focusing on what you don't have. And so comparative thinking is a really easy trap to fall into, especially when you see social media, you see advertisements, because they often spark this tendency to compare our lives to other people's lives and focusing on what we lack and what we don't have and how other people are quote unquote better than us. And so this habit is really rooted in scarcity mindset, which focuses on deficiency. It focuses on being insufficient. And so we don't think we have it. And if we don't have it, then we must be less than the other person. Oh, if only I had this thing, then I'd be happy. Oh, if only I had a million dollars in my bank account, then I wouldn't be stressed out.

Starting point is 00:07:56 If only I had this, trust me, stress does not come from anything external. It might feel like it does. You might say, oh, well, no, Rob, I'm stressed out because of this thing that's happening to me. No, no, no. You're stressed out because of your perception of the way that that thing is happening to you. No, I'm stressed out because they did this to me. No, no, no. You're stressed out because the way that you're thinking about that thing that's happening to you. It's fully 100% internal. There are people that are less stressed out than you that have way worse lives than you. There's someone out there, I guarantee, which means

Starting point is 00:08:32 it's not the external things, it's the internal things. And so I have an episode coming out about it where I'll go deeper into it. But I just want you to understand that nothing external can ever make you feel a certain way. It can't make you feel happy. It can't make you feel sad. It can't make you feel mad. It can't make you feel joyful. All of that is an internal decision. There are many people in this world that have way less than you that are way happier. And it shows it's not based off of external circumstances, but your internal state. And it's like, it goes back to the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, which I've said hundreds of times in this podcast, which is, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. It also goes back to another quote that I've also said hundreds of times in this podcast, which is Viktor Frankl.

Starting point is 00:09:13 Viktor Frankl was a psychologist that lived through Nazi prison camps. And he went through Auschwitz and he went through all these crazy things in his life. And he says, between the moments, and I'm going to butcher it, but it's something along the lines of between the moment of stimulus and response, something happened to you and how you respond, there's a gap, there's a moment. And if you can master that moment, you can master your life. And that's what he means by it's a decision to go, I'm going to let this thing make me feel this way. I'm going to let this person piss me off. I'm going to feel this way because this thing's happening to me. And so if we're constantly measuring what we don't have, it's going to lead to this perpetual dissatisfaction in our life and not feeling good enough and envy.

Starting point is 00:10:00 And in turn, when you don't think about what you don't have, or you do think about what you don't have, it negates all of your achievements, what you do have, what you can be grateful for. And so it makes you feel unhappy. It makes you feel inadequate. And so you've got to learn to actively cultivate gratitude in your life. Just start waking up and looking around you and realizing how great your life actually is. Sure, oh my God, but my life isn't as good as this person's life. I don't give a shit. That's not what we're talking about. Look around and be like, you know what?

Starting point is 00:10:32 I do have things to be grateful for. I do have food, water, shelter, clothing, a few people that love me. I've got things to be grateful for. I've got to start focusing on what I'm grateful for. When you routinely acknowledge and appreciate what you have, you shift your focus from being scarce and scarcity to abundance. And whatever you focus on, you'll get more of. And so journal, what are you thankful for? Take a moment, just have a sit on your back porch, look into the sky, drink your coffee in the morning, and just think about what you've done, what you've accomplished, the things that you've overcome, what you have to be grateful

Starting point is 00:11:02 for in your life right now. You know, anything. If you've got nothing else to be grateful for, nothing. If your life is just completely in the shitter right now, you still are alive in this moment and you have a heart that's beating. And 150,000 people woke up yesterday but did not wake up today. So if you have a heart that's beating and you're listening to my voice, that alone is something to be grateful for. I'm not saying be grateful for my voice. I'm saying be grateful for the fact that your fucking heart is beating, right? And so wake up each morning, meditate on what it is. Go outside for 10 minutes, 15 minutes, sit in silence. Just think about all of the things that you have that you can be grateful for. And just when you do that, you just set yourself up to be happier. So if you want to be miserable,

Starting point is 00:11:43 then just keep comparing yourself to everybody else. Cool? That's number two. Number three, stop fixating on the past. We're humans and we have a tendency to ruminate. The reason why I ruminate is so we don't make past mistakes again, because a past mistake is seen as a threat and a danger in the future. So our brain likes to focus on it to keep us safe. And so we replay mistakes. We replay missed opportunities, lost relationships, things that we've screwed up in the past. And this habit comes from this deep seated fear of repeating those mistakes. And so it makes sense from an evolutionary standpoint to ruminate because we don't want to have mistakes happen again because those mistakes

Starting point is 00:12:20 are threats in the future. But you don't really need to remit it on it. The past means almost nothing. I know saying that the past means nothing is going to trigger some people out there that are listening. No, but Rob, you don't understand. I am the way that I am because of my past. No, you are the way that you are because of the way that you think about the past. So you are who you think you are because of what your perception of the past was. No, I am this way because of my parents. Any trauma that you have in the past, it's not your fault. I promise you that. If you have crazy traumas, it's not your fault that things have happened to you in your life, but it is your responsibility.

Starting point is 00:12:59 That is the cards that you've been dealt. If you know my story, my father was an alcoholic. He passed away when I was 15. So we're talking 23 years ago now. I could have spent, and I've met people like this, I could have spent the past 23 years blaming him and being pissed off about it and saying, oh, he screwed me up. I am this way because of him. And I could say it's all his fault. The fact that my father's an alcoholic and passed And I could say it's all his fault, right? The fact that my father's an alcoholic and passed when I was 15 was not my fault, but it is the cards that I've been dealt. It is my responsibility to get out of life what I still want to regardless. It happened. There's nothing that you can do about it. So how can you learn from it? How can you grow? How can

Starting point is 00:13:39 you stop making that thing that happened to you seven years ago your excuses to why you are the way that you are or why your life is not what you want it to be? You can start using that thing that happened to you seven years ago your excuses to why you are the way that you are or why your life is not what you want it to be. You can start using that thing as a lesson to make you better. Use it as a source of strength to grow, to get better. And so constantly thinking about the past and how you wish it could have been does nothing to you. And it consumes so much mental and emotional energy over something that's not even here anymore. It's something that happened seven years ago or three months ago, whatever it might be. So how can you ever be fully present if you can't stop thinking about the past? You can't. So what do you do? You accept. It happened. It might not have happened the way

Starting point is 00:14:22 that you want, but that's what happened. So what do you do? You learn from it. You move on and you use it as an opportunity to grow. That is the greatest thing that you can do from all of your traumas and all of your challenges is learn from it and grow so that it makes you better in the future versus hold you back because you can't let it go. So that's number three. Number four, if you want to be miserable, just keep worrying about the future. Worrying about the future is one of our deepest, most basic survival instincts. We're constantly anticipating and preparing for potential threats in the future. So we're always mentally on guard and protecting ourselves.

Starting point is 00:15:00 And when we excessively worry about the future, especially things that are beyond our control, it leads to anxiety, it leads to stress. And there's studies that have been done, I've shared this many times on the podcast, that psychologists have found that 85% of what you worry about will never happen. Wow. 85% of what you worry about will never happen. Of that remaining 15%, 12% of that will happen better than you think that it will, which means that only 3% of what you worry about, only 3% happens as bad as you think that it will, which means 32 out of 33 times, it won't be as bad as you think it's going to be. And so why do we worry? Well, because worry gives you a false sense of control. But even though you have no control, which goes back to number one,

Starting point is 00:15:45 which is a control problem, right? So worrying gives you this false sense of control. And when we have excessive worrying about the future, it creates this constant state of like being on guard, this constant state of fear, of anxiety, of needing to protect ourselves. And if you're constantly worrying about the future, the same way that we just said you're constantly worrying about the past and ruminating on the past, it's robbing us of the joy of this present moment. So many people's bodies are physically here in the present moment, but their minds are not here, and they're very rarely ever here. Your mind is always hanging out in the past and being shameful and guiltful and ruminating on the past, or it's in the future and it's

Starting point is 00:16:25 protection, protection, protection, worrying, fears. And that can lead to a lot of different things when you're not in the moment, when you're constantly in fear and stress. It can lead to insomnia. It can lead to exhaustion, fatigue, a ton of stress-related disorders. And so what do we need to do? Once again, the same thing that we said for the last one, we need to learn to accept. Acceptance is, if I'm being truly transparent with you, and I've said this before, if I had to sit down and make one more final episode on the podcast and be like, this is it, I can never make another one. What is my message that I would give? It would be on acceptance, of accepting everything that happens to you. And it's not about resigning yourself and just resignation, but it's going,

Starting point is 00:17:11 this thing happened, I'm going to accept. The better that you get at accepting, if you look at basically every major religion, a deep part of it is acceptance. Acceptance and faith, acceptance and faith. Acceptance and faith. And so how can you have acceptance that, hey, this happened to me, but I have the faith that it's going to help me out later on in life. If you want to be miserable,

Starting point is 00:17:32 focus on the past. Think about all the things that have screwed up and how you've been screwed over. And if you also want to be miserable, just worry about the future all day long as well. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on the Instagram stories. Tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Once again, this is only where this podcast goes is from you guys sharing it. So if you would share it, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. And if you want to go deeper with me, if you want to coach more with me, you should check out something we have called Mindset Mentor Plus. It is like the podcast on steroids to go deeper into every single topic so that you can learn, grow, and create more of the life that you want. So if you want to take this podcast,

Starting point is 00:18:08 shoot some steroids in it, help yourself grow faster, become better faster, and you want to learn more about it, go to mindsetmentor.com. There's an entire video and page that explains everything. Once again, mindsetmentor.com. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day. All right.

The Mindset Mentor - How to Make Yourself Miserable

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.