The Mindset Mentor - How To Overcome Perfectionism

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week around neurology, psychology, early childhood development, cognitive behavioral therapy, so that you can kind of understand how all of those things come together to make you who you are. Because if you can understand who you are, why you are the way that you are, then you can improve yourself. And if you can improve yourself, you can improve your life. So hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. Today, I'm going to be talking about overcoming perfectionism. Perfectionism holds so many people back. It's held me back for years, and it's something that I've had to battle with and try to overcome.

Starting point is 00:00:46 But when you look at it, perfectionism is this relentless pursuit for flawlessness. And when you think of it that way, it sounds great. But if you are a person who deals with perfectionism, you know that it's not. You know it's not good at all. Perfectionism and this constant need to always feel like you're perfect comes at the cost of many mental and emotional well-beings that exist out there. And so today I'm going to talk to you about perfectionism. I'm going to talk about, you know, why we develop this adaptation, this behavioral adaptation called perfectionism, you know, where it comes from.

Starting point is 00:01:23 But I'm also going to start to talk about how it shows up in your day-to-day life. And then I'm going to teach you how to actually overcome it. So I always tell you this, whenever I think of something, and I'm always thinking about creating an episode, I'm always thinking about, you know, something that people deal with. My first question I always pass in my head is why? Like, why? Where does it come from? Why do we develop this thing? And so perfectionism begins pretty much where everything else begins. It begins in childhood and it is considered a behavioral adaptation to your environment and psychological factors as you're growing up. The need to be perfect. I need to be perfect or else. And where does it usually start? Yes,

Starting point is 00:02:07 perfect or else. And where does it usually start? Yes, you know, your parents. It's parental expectations, the conditional love that we all get. And I want you to understand this. I never want to feel like I'm trashing parents. That's not what I'm trying to do. But when we look at who we are and why we are the way that we are, 95% of the time it comes from the people who raise us in some sort of way. And it's not like they went and did this to us on purpose, nothing against parents, but you know, I feel like I bring up parents every single episode and I'm not trying to trash them, but it's not easy to be a parent, but nobody's perfect. And most people don't understand the psychology of themselves. And they definitely don't understand the psychology as they're raising a child. And so it's, you know, it's the way that the parent is, but also at the same time,

Starting point is 00:02:48 it's also the child's fault. You know, children don't fully process the world the same as adults, and so their interpretation of the world is not always correct. And so we just have to understand how the child interpreting the world and the parent doing their best come together to make you who you are. And we have to understand that as much as any parent loves their child, unless that parent is incredibly emotionally aware, secure, and intelligent, most of the times parents end up raising their children under the circumstance of conditional love. It's like, you do this and I love you. I give you affection. You don't do this and I will reprimand you or I will retract my love from you. And most people don't realize that that's the way that they actually parent. One of the ways that is the most

Starting point is 00:03:36 prominent way that parents parent their children is do what I say or else. And that or else for a child feels like retraction of love, which is the most detrimental thing to a child is my parents' love is being taken away from me. I no longer feel safe. I no longer feel secure. And so take a second and just think about how that can affect a child because all the child cares about is does my mom love me

Starting point is 00:04:03 and does my dad love me? And if they learn that they do something or don't do something, either or, and it feels like a retraction of love from their parents, they're going to want to stop doing that thing because that feels like conditional love. It's not unconditional. And so, you know, I'm going to give you a couple of examples of how childhood creates perfectionism. And so let's say, you know, I'm going to give you a couple of examples of how childhood creates perfectionism. And so let's say, you know, if we if we look at it, first off, the thing I want you to understand is as far as conditional love goes, there was a study that was called Parental Conditional Regard in 2004. And it was called Psychological Costs. And it was done in, yeah, like I said, 2004.

Starting point is 00:04:46 done in 2004. And so the study explored how parents use conditional love and where parents offer more affection and approval in response to a child's achievements and how that contributes to the development of perfectionism and other maladaptive behaviors as well. And so really what they found is the psychological costs of conditional regard and it increased internal pressure for the child and as they were a child and also became an adult. And it lowered their self-esteem as a child as well. And so some children become perfectionists as a strategy to feel like their parents' love will not be taken from them. And so they have to do what they want their parents to do. They have to be a certain way.

Starting point is 00:05:24 They can't mess up or else they feel like their parents' love is going to be taken from them. And so they have to do what they want their parents to do. They have to be a certain way. They can't mess up or else they feel like their parents' love is going to be taken from them. And this is just, like I said, it's a behavioral adaptation perfectionism. And there's many other behavioral adaptations, but today we're just going to be covering perfectionism. And so let me give a couple of examples of what can happen in childhood that makes them become a perfectionist. Let's say a child grows up in a household where love and approval are contingent on achievements. I have worked with many people and have some friends where praise and affection will be given to them when the child brings home excellent grades or when they win a competition or in sports and they are praised and the parent shows them so

Starting point is 00:06:03 much love and so much attention and they're happy for them. But that same parent might show disappointment and withdrawal of their love and approval when the child falls short or when they don't get an A or when the child doesn't win a game or a competition. And if this conditional love teaches a child that their worth is tied to their success. And so what that does is it creates a perfectionist mindset where, you know, I have to do anything that I possibly can to succeed to get my parents approval. So that is a very common way that perfectionism comes about. Another way that perfectionism comes about is if your parents are also perfectionists,

Starting point is 00:06:44 or one of them is, and we tend to model after our parents. So children, you know, obviously mimic the behaviors and attitudes of their parents. And so in a family where one of the parents shows perfectionism tendencies, or they set unrealistically high standards for themselves and for their children, the child learns to internalize these standards. They see what their parents are doing and say, children, the child learns to internalize these standards. They see what their parents are doing and say, okay, this is how I'm supposed to be.

Starting point is 00:07:09 And so they get this feeling of, I'm not good enough unless I'm perfect. I'm not good enough unless I achieve. And so they can observe the parent's stress over minor mistakes and how they beat themselves up and maybe like an incessant need for order and for the house to be perfect, whatever it might be, and that can instill really similar perfectionism traits in the child as well. And I can give you a couple of examples of people that I've seen. I had a client one time, and I won't tell you his name, but he was over in the UK, and his father was in the military over in the UK. And he had this thing where he couldn't stop working.

Starting point is 00:07:56 Like he kept working and working and working and working and working. And he was trying to make everything perfect. And he wasn't getting as much time with his children as he wanted to. He had two children on the age of five. He wanted to spend more time with them. He wasn't able to spend much time with them because he was always working. And we started going through and figure out why he was working so much, who he was trying to prove himself to, all of this. And it boiled down to, after working with him for a few weeks, that what he was trying to do was prove that he was good enough for his father. And the reason why was because his father

Starting point is 00:08:25 had these incredibly high standards for everything needed to be perfect to the point where when he would go and put the milk box away, his dad would go in and open up the fridge and adjust the milk box so it was perfectly aligned with the door. And so he got this idea of like,

Starting point is 00:08:43 oh my God, if I can't even put the milk away correctly, I can't do anything correctly. And it developed this feeling of perfectionism inside of him. This is not always, but I don't want to make a vast generalization, but I see this a lot, not in every case, but I see this a lot with people who have parents that are in the military. The people who are in the military a lot of times think, well, you know, the military has done so much for me. I'm going to raise my children the same way that the military raised me. But a lot of times what that does, not in every case, once again, but a lot of times that I've seen with people who have parents that are in the military is they are these impossibly high standards that

Starting point is 00:09:23 they can never get to. And so it's just this constant stress of always needing to be perfect, always needing to be exact. And it just ends up being really, really hard for a child to do. And it becomes really hard to unprogram someone as they become an adult. And so that's another example of how children can see their parent be so hardcore on being a perfectionist and they can pick it up from them as well. Another example as well that is, is you think of like a child who frequently faces criticism from their parents for their mistakes or, you know, any shortcomings, they develop perfectionism as well as a defense mechanism. And so what happens is whenever their parent criticizes them

Starting point is 00:10:01 or whatever it might be for mistakes or shortcomings, the child develops this fear of criticism, which leads them to try to be as perfect as they possibly can and attempt to avoid negative feedback because negative feedback or criticism feels like, once again, the withdrawal of love from their parents. And so over time, this can create a really intense internal pressure to be flawless in every aspect of life. And so when you look at it, there's just many examples where this can happen in childhood that create somebody be this way. If you think of a child who grew up in a house where there was a lot of, you know, they developed this as a coping strategy, this perfectionism. So maybe they grew up in a house with a lot of instability or a lot of trauma or chaotic fighting and family

Starting point is 00:10:50 environment. It can also be bullying at school. And so they try to be perfect so that therefore they keep the peace, you know, quote unquote, keep the peace of their parents. So they kind of try to make everything perfect so therefore their parents don't blow up at them. Or they try to be perfect so that, you know, they're not really seen peace of their parents. So they kind of try to make everything perfect. So therefore their parents don't blow up with them or they try to be perfect so that, you know, they're not really seen by other children. So therefore they're not bullied. And so, you know, in some cases it can even be physical or emotional abuse from the parents. And so it's like, I need to keep the peace. I need everything to be perfect so that therefore this doesn't happen. And sometimes it could be emotional or physical abuse that one parent does to another parent. And so the child keeps, tries to feel like they keep the peace with everybody. Everything has to be

Starting point is 00:11:28 perfect all the time because I don't want my dad to physically abuse my mother, and so this happens over and over. There's many different ways that it comes from, but really, if you feel like you're a perfectionist, you should ask yourself, where do you think that it came from in your childhood? Do you think it was one of these? And hopefully listening to this, hopefully it sparked something inside of you. You can see where it's coming from for you. Now, as far as this goes, how does it show up as an adult? When we look at being a perfectionist, how does it show up as an adult? Well, number one, it's relationships. Perfectionism and perfectionists often struggle with intimacy and vulnerability in relationships. And there's a few reasons why. They might fear showing any imperfections because that could lead to rejection.

Starting point is 00:12:12 And so what they do is it results in having an emotional distance. Like, I need to look perfect to them. And, you know, I have this feeling of I can't let them in or I can't let them get close because then they'll know the real me. And so it ends up being, gets in the way and kind of throws a big wall in between you and the other person because it's like, I got to keep them at a distance because if they get too close and they know the real me, they'll know that I'm not perfect and then they won't love me. It can also show up as constantly striving to be the perfect partner, like giving themselves away for the other person and being exactly what the other person wants them to be the perfect partner, like giving themselves away for the other person

Starting point is 00:12:45 and being exactly what that other person wants them to be. Sometimes they could also end up being overly critical of their loved one's imperfections. So because they're such perfectionists, they can look at their other spouse or the boyfriend or girlfriend, whoever they're in a relationship with, and then constantly notice their imperfections. They tend to have really high expectations of themselves and criticism of themselves, but also of their partner as well. And that can really get in the way of a relationship. Another place where it tends to show up is in business or at the workplace. At work, a perfectionist might set really incredibly unattainable high standards for themselves. And that can lead to a couple

Starting point is 00:13:25 different things. Number one, it can lead to procrastination because they have such high standards that they fear not meeting those standards and that cause them to delay in their tests. On the opposite side of that, they might overwork themselves to try to meet their impossibly high standards. And that can lead to burnout, reduced productivity, and not getting to where they really want to. And sometimes the way that it shows up is like attention to detail, impossibly high standards, impossibly high details. Everything's got to go perfect. And they go over the details over and over and over and over again and burn themselves out with it. And it can also show up of this inability to delegate. It know, it has to be perfect. So I have to do it.

Starting point is 00:14:06 I can't let anybody else do this. I had this for a while when I had my first business and it rained it into the ground, right? It can also really stifle your creativity or your innovation because sometimes what happens is we know what we're good at. We know what we can do. And to be innovative and be creative means we have to do something different. And we don't want to do anything that we've never done before because then we have to be a beginner at it. And we don't want to fail because we're perfectionists, right? So that can be another way that shows up in the business and in the workplace as well.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Another place where it shows up is your mindset and just the way that you're thinking about yourself. You know, a lot of times perfectionists have this all or nothing mindset where they view any minor mistake as total failure. And it leads to this really negative self-image and low self-esteem of themselves. And it's what's called black or white thinking. If you go back to the episode I did a week or two weeks ago about cognitive distortions, this is black or white thinking.

Starting point is 00:15:06 And that black or white thinking can hinder the development because they're unable to recognize how they're having these little tiny incremental improvements because they're just not seeing those or seeing all the places where they quote unquote failed. And so, you know, other places where it can show up as an adult is the fear of failure. You know, we can have this fear of making mistakes and that can lead for some people, chronic anxiety, stress, and perfectionists often experience really intense fear of failure, which can paralyze them and prevent them from taking risks or trying new things. It can also show up in really low self-esteem because they

Starting point is 00:15:41 tend to focus on their perceived flaws and shortcomings rather than any strengths or achievements that they might have. And then the other thing, like I said, it definitely shows up a lot of times in procrastination. And so let's talk about how to, now that we've all kind of gone, oh shit, yeah, Rob seems like I'm a perfectionist because pretty much most people are at this point are perfectionists in some sort of way. How do we overcome this perfectionism? How do we work through it? How do we start to figure out how to get better? The first thing is self-compassion, some mindfulness, some self-compassion, okay? You have to realize at the age that you're at right now, you have things that have happened to you in your past. And some of them are good, some of them are bad. Some of them are just, you know, neutral. We need to reparent ourselves. And this is something I've been bringing up a lot lately,

Starting point is 00:16:31 which is, you know, I'm 38 years old. If something happened to me where my father didn't show up for me or he wasn't there or he, you know, had these incredibly high standards. When I was nine or 10 years old, I'm basically stuck in time in my brain at that 10 years old. And I will be honest with you, I wasn't incredibly emotionally intelligent at 10 years old. I was an intellectually intelligent at 10 years old. At 38, I can see things way different than I saw them back then.

Starting point is 00:17:01 And so it's time for us to kind of reparent ourselves and have more self-compassion. You know, the perfectionism is a behavioral adaptation for something that happened as a child. Well, you're an adult now. Give yourself what you feel like you didn't have that created that adaptation in the first place. And usually what that is, is self-compassion. Usually that's compassion and usually that's acceptance and just accepting yourself flaws and all there's no such thing as perfect you know that we all know that and so it's like how can we look at ourselves with more compassion more acceptance there was a study that was done and it was called self compassion perfectionism and academic burnout burnout in Asian

Starting point is 00:17:41 European American college students a cross-cultural study, and it was done in 2005. And the research went through and found that self-compassion, you know, it kind of explored the role of self-compassion in reducing the negative effects of perfectionism. And the more self-compassion that somebody had for themselves, the more acceptance that they had for themselves, it actually took away the feelings of perfectionism and the feelings of academic burnout. And so it showed that higher levels of self-compassion were associated with lower levels of perfectionism and burnout, which indicated that the interventions of focusing on mindfulness, focusing on self-compassion can be effective really in

Starting point is 00:18:22 mitigating the harm and the harmful effects of perfectionism. And so that's the first thing. Just be nicer to yourself. Don't be such an asshole. Second thing is I know you want to achieve and you want to overachieve, but start setting realistic goals. Set some small, realistic goals for yourself

Starting point is 00:18:39 and then remind yourself that done is better than perfect. One of my mentors used to always say that, is done is better than perfect. One of my mentors used to always say that, is done is better than perfect. Just get it done. Because if you want it to be perfect, it'll probably never be finished. So like, let's just set goals and let's just make sure that we focus on things being done.

Starting point is 00:18:55 And then the last thing that I really want you to do is I want you to embrace failure as a learning opportunity. I always say this when someone joins this program that I have called Business Breakthrough. It's where I teach people how to grow their coaching businesses. The phrase that I say in the very first, second video, whatever it is, is fuck it up and figure it out. Be okay with messing up. If you're just holding yourself back because you don't want to mess up, you're not going to get anywhere. You have to mess up. You have to mess up. You have to mess up. Failure is just a lesson and you'll never get that lesson if you don't fail.

Starting point is 00:19:24 to mess up, you have to mess up. Failure is just a lesson and you'll never get that lesson if you don't fail. And so you've got to look at failure as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to improve. You will never be a graceful master if you're not willing to be a foolish beginner. And so don't call yourself an imposter. Don't bring yourself down. Just realize I'm a beginner. I'm going to get better at this. And if you do fail, it's not the end of the world. Just use it as a way to learn and grow and get better. And so it's really just important for you to understand that if you feel like you're a perfectionist, it's some sort of behavioral adaptation you created as a child. Now, it has probably some good things happening in your life right now. It has some bad things happening in your life right now. Ultimately, if you want to change it, there are steps to change it.

Starting point is 00:20:07 All you have to do is you have to give yourself more compassion, more self-love. You have to give yourself more acceptance, more mindfulness, and just start to work through it and say, I'm going to reparent myself. I'm going to give myself what it is that I didn't need. And then at that point, you don't have to be perfect because there's no one that you're trying to prove yourself to anymore because you've already become enough for yourself. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories. Tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you love this podcast, you will absolutely 100% love Mindset Mentor Plus. Mindset Mentor Plus is a community and program that I created to help you take all of these episodes and integrate them into your life.

Starting point is 00:20:43 For every episode that comes out of Mindset Mentor, Mindset Mentor Plus subscribers are going to get a whole lot more. Every episode comes with detailed multi-page worksheets that you can print out, that you can underline, that you can highlight, that has journaling questions, that has assignments and challenges. There's an entire community of over a thousand people that are in Mindset Mentor Plus you can connect with, see if anybody lives in your area, connect with other people who are on this road of trying to improve themselves. It is also where I do monthly Q&A sessions. So if you want to connect with me through the Q&A sessions live and ask me questions, you can do that as well. And if you want some more information on it, just go to mindsetmentor.com. Once again, mindsetmentor.com. There's a video that explains

Starting point is 00:21:21 everything there. And with that, I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - How To Overcome Perfectionism

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