The Mindset Mentor - How To Stop Loneliness

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you love this podcast, you've been listening to us for a little bit, go ahead and do me a favor, give us a rating and review, however you listen to us, whether it's on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. The more positive reviews that we get on those platforms, the more those platforms show this podcast to people who have never heard of it before, which then allows the podcast to grow. So if you would do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, we're going to be talking about how to stop being lonely and the secret to loneliness. And really, what it's going to come down to is how to build a strong and lasting relationship

Starting point is 00:00:45 by becoming whole within yourself more than anything else. And one of the things that I've come to find as I have grown up over the years is it's a really common belief that finding a partner will fill the loneliness and the unhappiness within ourselves, right? If you look at Hollywood, it's like everyone's always screwed up until they find the person they can fall in love with. And then they live happily ever after once they find that perfect. And then there's like, you know, your soulmate, the phrase, your soulmate, there's your twin flame. There's all of these things that make

Starting point is 00:01:20 people think that there's something wrong with them until they find someone that is good for them. And finding that person that is good for them is their quote-unquote other half. When in reality, what we really should be working on is how do we become whole as ourselves? Because if you go into a relationship as half, expecting another half, you will probably have that relationship fail. And it's a really big misconception that I think has probably led to a lot of relationships failing is I need to get into a relationship with someone else so that I can fix myself. When in reality is I need to fix myself so that I can get into a healthy relationship. Because the truth is no one is going to complete you and nobody is going to make you happy. Yes, that is

Starting point is 00:02:01 correct. Nobody will make you happy. It's also not your partner's job to make you happy. Happiness is a decision that we have to make for ourselves. Happiness is a state of mind. You can wake up every single morning and no matter how much shit is hitting the fan, you can decide that you will be happy as shit's hitting the fan, right? It doesn't mean that we have to go find someone else. We have to fix something in order to get there. We can figure out how to get there ourselves. And so the key to a successful relationship, really what it comes down to is finding wholeness within yourself first, and then getting into a relationship. Now, some of you guys are like, holy crap, I'm already in a relationship. Well, we'll talk about that in just a little while.

Starting point is 00:02:39 But in this episode, we're going to dive into is why so many relationships fail because of this, and the importance also of self-discovery, self-love, which we talked about in a previous episode, how to build a strong and lasting relationship by becoming whole within yourself. But first, what we really need to come down to is the root of why most relationship problems exist, why most problems come up, and why most people end up, you know, not most, but I guess we could, you know, 50% of marriages fail, but more than 50% of relationships fail. And usually what it comes down to is one or both of the people are seeking external solutions for internal problems. They are seeking external solutions for internal problems. One of the main reasons why

Starting point is 00:03:24 relationships fail is because people seek external solutions. They problems. One of the main reasons why a relationship fails because people seek external solutions. They think the outside world is going to heal their inside world. This is in relationships. This is in people wanting to become rich. This is people wanting to become successful. And the example that I love to give, and I heard Wayne Dyer, who passed away in 2015, amazing human. And he says, this is the way to think of it, right? He goes, the way to think of it is, say you're getting your keys and you're picking up your keys to go for a drive

Starting point is 00:03:52 and the lights click out inside of your house and you lose power inside of your house and you can't see your keys. So you're searching for your keys. You accidentally dropped them on the floor. You're searching on the floor and you can't seem to find your keys. But then you notice that the street light is on outside.

Starting point is 00:04:13 And so you're like, you know what? The light's on outside. What if I go outside and search for my keys? So then you go outside under the street light and you start searching for your keys. And your neighbor comes over and your neighbor's like, hey, you know, what's going on? Is everything okay? And you're like, oh, I'm just searching for my keys. He's like, oh, well, let me give you some help. I'll come and help you. He comes over. He starts helping you search for your keys, search for a few minutes. And he goes, hey, like what area did you have? Like, where did you last see them? Where was it? And you go inside. Your neighbor would be like, why are we, why are we searching for your keys that you dropped inside, outside? And you're like, oh, because the light's on outside, right? That doesn't make any sense. It's the exact same thing. We're looking for problems that we have internally to be solved

Starting point is 00:04:51 by external. That's impossible. We have to be the people to solve them. So instead of people addressing their insecurities, their loneliness, their unhappiness, people get into relationships hoping that their partner will fill the void. Man, what a big task that is, right? I'm going to get into a relationship with you so that you can heal my insecurities, so that you can heal my loneliness, and so that you can make me happy, right? Then they think that this other person will then end up healing their heart. But unfortunately, this approach is going to lead to a relationship being built on really, really weak foundations.

Starting point is 00:05:21 So it's setting the stage for countless problems that are going to pop up later on down the road. And so it's really crucial to understand before you go any further that no one else can fix you. No one else can fix your internal problems. No one else can make you feel better. So it's really important to understand that no one can fix your problems. No one can fix your internal issues. That responsibility lies solely on us. So why, it really begs the question before we go in and try to fix ourselves, why do we feel unwhole? Why do we feel unlovable or unloved? Well, there's many reasons because when you grow up as a human, you get kicked in the face a lot. No matter how great life was or was not, you're going to get kicked in the face, right? And it comes back to our upbringing. A lot of times, as I've said before in previous podcast episodes, parents retract their love as a tool to get their

Starting point is 00:06:09 children to be obedient a lot of times. And they don't even know they're doing it. And usually, they're doing it because their parents did it. And so, a lot of parents actually retract their love from their child to get their child to do what they want them to do, which then makes the child feel unlovable. Because if the parents, if my parents, who are supposed to love me more than anybody else in the world, this is obviously subconscious talking. If my parents love me more than anyone else in the world, and they don't love me fully, how could anybody else fully love me? So that happens. Then you grow up and you fail some tests and you think that you're stupid. And then you get beat up and you feel like you're a loser.

Starting point is 00:06:44 And then you get heartbroken and you feel like you're unlovable. And we develop these stories throughout our lifetime of how we're not enough. And then we feel like if we're never enough, we'll never be enough. There's nothing that we can do to ever become whole is a lot of what people feel that, oh my God. But if I get into a relationship, then maybe I'll feel whole. Because in Hollywood, they tell me when I get into a relationship, that's my other half. That's the other person I've been looking for. It's going to make me feel like there's finally nothing wrong with me. That's a bunch of bullshit, right? We must unravel the stories that we tell ourselves in our head about not being good enough, smart enough,

Starting point is 00:07:16 unlovable, that we're stupid, that we're a loser. We must unravel all those stories and start to tell ourselves new stories. Because when you're unhealed and you're lonely, it can lead to, you know, a few negative consequences. One of those it can lead to is unrealistic expectations. When you're lonely, it can cause people that are lonely to view a potential partner as their quote unquote savior. Oh, this is the person who's going to rescue me. How many times have we heard knight shining armor, right? Like these phrases are just repeated over thinking that somebody's going to save us. So we have unrealistic expectations that the person's going to save me. They're going to rescue me from my emotional pain. They're finally going to make me feel like I'm good enough.

Starting point is 00:07:56 And what it does is it puts immense pressure on the person that you get into a relationship with and usually sets the relationship up for failure. Nobody can live up to such unrealistic expectations. So that's the first thing, is the unrealistic expectation. Second thing it can set you up for is codependency. So those people who enter relationships to try to escape loneliness may become overly reliant on their partner for their emotional support. They actually feel like they need that person. That's why a lot of people have breakdowns know, breakdowns when they get broken up with is because they feel like the person who gave them, who was their foundation, their safe place of emotional support is gone. They don't know what to do with themselves, right? And so this unhealthy dynamic in a relationship can create

Starting point is 00:08:37 an unbalanced relationship where one person's emotional needs dominates the partnership. I know there's already a whole bunch of light bulbs going off either with you or with other relationships you've been in, right? And the third thing it can lead to is a lot of insecurity. Loneliness breeds insecurity. And loneliness really just means that you are alone. There's nothing wrong with being alone. But if you start to think there's something wrong with it, you start to create stories around it, this loneliness can breed insecurity, make you start to feel insecure about yourself. And then you constantly feel when you're in a relationship that you need to seek reassurance from the partner that you're in a relationship with. And that can put a lot of strain on the relationship and make it difficult for both parties in the relationship to really feel secure

Starting point is 00:09:16 and feel confident in their connection. So before entering into a relationship, it's really important to go on a journey of self-discovery, of self-love. And by understanding and accepting who you are, you build a strong sense of self, which allows you to enter a relationship as a whole rather than a half or somebody has a void or a hole in their heart or they need healing, whether or not they're happy with somebody else. You can enter it whole and then you can, instead of seeking somebody to make you feel better. And the journey can involve many things, right? So today we're not really going to talk about how to fix all this stuff because listening

Starting point is 00:09:52 to this podcast and going to therapy and all that stuff will definitely help it. But ways to help, therapy can definitely help. Going and listening to these podcasts and going on your self-development journey helps. and going on your self-development journey helps. Reading books around relationships, around self-help books as well. Meditating will help. Journaling will help.

Starting point is 00:10:13 Asking why you feel like you're not good enough or smart enough or pretty enough or feel like you're a loser or feel like you're fat or feel like you're ugly or feel like you'll never be loved. Journaling those questions and figuring out why you feel that way and how it's not true.

Starting point is 00:10:22 And just all of that can help build the self-discovery journey that you're on, help you grow more than anything else. If you're listening to this podcast, you're already starting on the journey to helping yourself, which is a good thing. But really, embracing self-love is a critical part of the process. And it enables us to really recognize that we have inherent worth and there's nothing that we can do. There's nothing we can ever do or say or accomplish or amount of money we can ever achieve to add to who we already are. There's literally nothing that we can do to add to who we currently are, right? So going and making more achievement or losing weight or making a million dollars is not

Starting point is 00:10:58 going to add to who you are. It also wants to attract to who you are because who you are is literally who you are. So there is inherent value and there's inherent love and worth that is there. And that's how we start to learn to love ourselves and appreciate ourselves. And like I said in a recent episode I did specifically on self-love, you can go back and listen to that one and start to get better at that as well. I've got a couple episodes on that that will really help you love yourself a little bit more.

Starting point is 00:11:25 episodes on that that will really help you love yourself a little bit more. And so really what it comes down to is how healing first helps the relationship, right? And so let's say that you're deciding, maybe you're single right now and you're like, okay, I'm going to go on this self-love journey. I'm going to start to love myself. I'm going to start to figure out who I am. I'm going to start to realize that nobody else is going to complete me. Nobody's going to make me happy. That's something that I have to do. And I've now finally realized that happiness is something that I decide to do. Happiness is a state of mind that I bring up within myself and nobody can give that to me. And then you start to heal yourself.

Starting point is 00:11:53 You start to work on yourself. Well, how does that actually help when you do get into a relationship, right? So there's a couple of things, a couple of ways that it helps. Number one is it helps you define your personal values and your boundaries. Sometimes when you get into a relationship with somebody, you can lose yourself in that relationship and try to become just a chameleon for who they want to be so that you can continue to be loved. But when you understand your personal values and you can figure out who you are, you can then establish clear boundaries to help ensure that you have a balanced and respectful relationship.

Starting point is 00:12:22 You would think boundaries could be a bad thing in a relationship, but boundaries are actually a great thing when they're clearly communicating relationship. And by knowing what's important to you and all of that, you can effectively communicate your needs and expectations to your partner and see if that lines up with them. And individuals that approach relationships like this with a greater understanding of their own needs and emotions usually can communicate that with somebody. They can say, hey, I understand what you need. I actually want to be that person provides it for you. Okay, let me tell you what I need and how we can provide it for each other. What's your love language? This is my love language. Does this fit? Can we make this work? What's your attachment style? This is my attachment style. And you start

Starting point is 00:13:00 to figure out who you are. And this is real emotional maturity and it creates really healthy communication and makes it much easier to resolve conflicts when they pop up in the partnership as well. So that's the first thing. The second thing that gives you as well before you go into a relationship is a lot of self-confidence. Because as you work through your loneliness

Starting point is 00:13:17 and your personal wounds, you start to gain self-confidence, self-assurance, and really be stepping into who you truly are, which enables you to enter a relationship as a whole, complete human, not a half a human that is seeking validation and completion from your partner. So it gives you self-confidence. Next thing that does as well, number three, is it makes your relationship stronger. When you address personal issues before entering a relationship, you are better equipped to really form strong and lasting connections based on mutual respect and understanding with that person.

Starting point is 00:13:52 And these partnerships are more likely to thrive because both parties have a solid foundation of self-awareness and emotional well-being, which makes them understand why they feel a certain way. And when they feel a certain way, they can then communicate to that other person why they feel that way, because communication is probably the most important part of a relationship. And then obviously what it's going to help with is building resilience as well. The skills and insights that you gain from really starting to build yourself, you can actually start to address loneliness on your own. You can heal wounds on your own. You can start to not need somebody else, but choose somebody else. And this resilience

Starting point is 00:14:26 can strengthen the relationship and enable you to navigate the situations with a lot more grace, with a lot more poise, and realize that you don't need anybody. There's not anybody that you need. And then you get into a relationship and you choose to be with somebody because you want to be with them, not thinking, oh my God, I need to be in a relationship with somebody. Now, we've talked about if you're single, working on yourself and how to work on yourself and all that, and then getting into a relationship, how that works. And then it naturally brings up the question, well, what if I'm in a relationship and I've realized through this podcast episode, like I'm married or I'm in a long-term relationship with a boyfriend or girlfriend.

Starting point is 00:15:01 And now I've realized I have some healing to do. Oh my gosh, I've realized I needed to heal myself before coming in. What do I do? My answer to that is you're fucked. I'm just kidding. You're not fucked. But my answer to that is no matter who you are, no matter how long you've been on this journey, there's always healing to do, right? And so one thing that I would recommend if you are in a relationship with somebody and you've been in a long-term relationship with them, it's not screwed. You're always going to be healing and growing. And I think healing and growing is something that you will be doing until the day that you die. And we always have more healing and growing to do. And so what I would recommend that you do is probably share this episode with your partner, listen to it with them, take some notes on it, and then decide with each other

Starting point is 00:15:41 that you're going to go on a healing, you know on a healing journey together. Really, the thing that I think about when I think about being in a relationship with somebody is a lot of times, what I used to think, and I had this conversation with my wife about six months ago, we were talking about love, what love is versus being in love. And love, you can love somebody, for sure. But being in love with somebody, usually what I think is that person's going to complete me. I will be perfect once they get me. But really what I think getting into like an actual real long-term relationship with somebody, with two people who are trying to work on themselves, is both of you guys understanding that you are imperfect individuals that need help and you can help each other. Being in a real committed, long relationship with somebody is

Starting point is 00:16:27 going to bring up all of your wounds that you have from your past, especially the unhealed ones that you have from your parents. And deciding to go on that journey with somebody, whether it's just a long-term partner, whether it's a marriage with somebody, is deciding, okay, you are the person that I feel comfortable enough with to share all of my shit, all of my insecurities, all of my problems that I still have that I'm trying to overcome. And knowing that you are probably the only person, like you are the gateway to help me go through there. Like I don't have to have you, but you're going to help me heal these wounds and create a safe space for me to do so. And in turn, I will create a safe space for you to heal your wounds as well. And really what that comes down to is if you're in a relationship, you need to have that

Starting point is 00:17:08 conversation of like, hey, do I feel safe with this person telling them all of my things, working through all my things, being fully vulnerable and exposing myself emotionally with this person? And do they feel the same for me? And then having that committed, like, okay, are we in this together? Like, are we going to this emotional war within ourselves and being there for each other as we go through it? And if you are, then this is a journey you're going to go on together. And that's when you guys start to work on this together as a team versus doing it solo. So that's what I would say if you are in a current relationship with somebody. And if somebody is not willing to go on their journey with you, well, then you might want to reassess the relationship

Starting point is 00:17:48 and see what feels right for me from there. So that's what we got. That's how you heal yourself. That's how you stop being so lonely. And that's how you really start to build a self-assurance in who you are as a person. So that's all I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories, tag me in it. I'm sure it will help a lot of people that you are connected with. And I love seeing hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of you share this every single time a new podcast episode comes out. So if you would do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:18:12 I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode, making sure mission makes somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing, amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - How To Stop Loneliness

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