The Mindset Mentor - How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you live in the United States or Canada and you want to receive inspirational texts from me sporadically throughout the week, text me right now. 1-512-580-9305. Once again, 1-512-580-9305. Today, we're going to be diving into how to get unstuck, how to stop self-sabotaging yourself. And this is the thing that I notice with people. I've been coaching

Starting point is 00:00:40 people now for 19 years is we all have goals. We all have dreams. We all have aspirations. We all want our life to be just a little bit better, a little bit more rich, a little bit more fun. Some people want to go and they want to get a new job. Some people want to start a business. Some people want to go and get healthier. Some people want to pursue some creative passion, like maybe they want to start painting more. They want to start playing more music or get into a band or learn pottery. But there's always something that we want to do and we want

Starting point is 00:01:09 to get better. But why don't we actually do it? What I hear from most people is that they feel like they're spinning their wheels. They feel like they're stuck. It's hard for them to get unstuck. And they know what they need to do. They know what they want to do. They have a pretty good idea what has to happen in order for that to happen, but they're just not doing it. You know, they want to take action some sort of way, but they're not doing it. Or they do it for a little while and then they stop. And we all want to take action some sort of way, but it tends to be that we self-sabotage ourself. And when you feel like you're self-sabotaging, when you feel like you're stuck, it can be really frustrating. And then we're like, I don't know what to do. Why can't we just take action and do what we want to

Starting point is 00:01:55 do when we know what we need to do? What do I need to do to get the life that I want? You know, it's so simple, but why don't we do it? And so that's what we're going to dive into today. We're going to dive into why we don't take the actions that we need to in order to create the life that we want. And then we're going to talk about how to actually do it. And I want you to understand this. There's a big disconnect in your mind between desire and action. And so you can consciously want to go and become a multimillionaire or become famous or, you know, build the life that you want or build a business. You can consciously want it.

Starting point is 00:02:29 We all consciously want something. But why are we not doing what we need to do to get that life? Because at the core of this disconnect, there is on one side, it is what we want. And on the other side is what we actually do. And, you know, it seems very simple on the surface, right? It's like, you really want something, you should just be able to go for it. But in reality, in your head, it's not that straightforward. Because we as humans, we think. And that's what gets us in all the trouble. What do we do? We think about the future. And most of your cognitive processing happens behind the scenes in your subconscious. So you have your conscious mind,

Starting point is 00:03:10 which wants to build the business and wants to be happy and wants to be successful and wants all of these great things and wants to be, you know, having more fun and travel more. Your conscious mind wants that. And that's about 5% of what your brain does, then there's your subconscious mind, subconscious, which means under the conscious mind, which is about 95% of your cognitive processing, which is stuck in a couple different things that we're going to cover today. Your identity, what you think of yourself, who you think that you are, what you're thinking about when you think about your future, all of that stuff. And so your conscious mind wants it. Your subconscious mind is the thing that's holding you back. And so the first thing you need to understand is your

Starting point is 00:03:49 brain's orientation towards the future. Our brains are wired to constantly imagine the future. And this is an incredibly useful trait for survival. You know, it's allowed humans to be able to plan, to anticipate, to avoid dangers, to kind of look into the future and think what are potential dangers that could come around the other side of this turn. It's ultimately the reason why our species survived and also the reason why our species survived. But your greatest strength is often your greatest weakness. So it's kind of a double-edged sword. Yeah, we can think into the future to avoid potential pitfalls and all of that, but we can also think into the future of

Starting point is 00:04:32 what it is that we want, and then we start thinking about all the pitfalls of that, and we don't take action towards it. And so, you know, when you think about the average person, what do you think the average person is thinking about in the back of their heads? Are they thinking about where they're going? Are they thinking about where their goals are? They think about how amazing today is going to be? No, a brain left to its own to do what it wants to do will almost always go negative because your brain is a protection mechanism. That's why I kept our species alive. It is protecting you at all points in time. In order to protect you, it must keep you in its comfort zone. But if you want to create a life you've never had, you're going to have to get out of that comfort zone. So, you know, we think about, instead of thinking about the life that we want and what we're creating and how amazing today's

Starting point is 00:05:18 going to be, we think about all the things that we don't want. We think about what could go wrong, and then your brain is always on defense mode. It's never on offense. It's very rarely on offense, I'll put it that way, but it's mostly on defense almost all of the time. You're probably always focused on what it is that you don't want. Your brain is imagining a future that you're trying to avoid. And so basically, if you look at this whole thing,

Starting point is 00:05:46 the future in your mind is filled with all of these potential pitfalls and negative outcomes. And if your future is filled with all of these negative outcomes and what your brain's thinking into, why would you ever take action towards that future? So for instance, let me give you an example. So it's kind of give you more context, right? If you're thinking about starting a new business, your brain, your conscious mind might be like, oh my gosh, it's going to be fun. I'm going to do something I enjoy. I'm going to be able to work for myself. I'm going to be able to make unlimited amount of money.

Starting point is 00:06:17 But that's your conscious mind. And then the other 95% of your mind is constantly filled with thoughts like, well, what if I fail? What if this doesn't work out? What if I lose all of my money? What if I work, you know what? What if I work my ass off for a year and I get nothing from it? And then after working my ass off for an entire year, I'm not only not where I want to be, I'm behind where I am right now. where I want to be. I'm behind where I am right now. So it might just be easier just to stay at my current job where I know I make $60,000 a year versus go off and do my own thing. And I could possibly be having to pull money out of my bank account. Oh my gosh, what if I lose my

Starting point is 00:06:58 house? What if my wife leaves me because of the fact that I'm such a loser. And so your brain is constantly constructing a future that is filled with danger and loss. Why would you ever take action towards a future that has danger and loss in it? And we will be right back. And now back to the show. You want to avoid it. And that's why you don't take actions because behind the scenes in your subconscious, your brain's thinking, danger, danger, danger. Rob, don't take any action. It's better to stay on Instagram. It's better to watch TV. Don't get off of the couch.

Starting point is 00:07:33 Your brain is 10 steps ahead of you. It's already planned your demise. So your conscious mind just goes, yeah, we shouldn't do this. And so why would you want to move towards a future that seems like it's so full of negativity, of risk, of your demise? Like this thinking causes really internal resistance, like a lot of internal resistance towards taking action. And so you've got to understand this. I've said this before on the podcast, but you have to understand your mind is so incredibly rich and complex and creative that you can sit wherever you currently are right now and you can imagine a future.

Starting point is 00:08:13 And you can feel the feelings of that future right now without your body ever leaving. And so you can imagine a future that is rich, that is full of love and happiness and traveling to take your children to go see the Colosseum in Rome and what that would feel like to take your family there and to buy your mom a new car and move into a new house. And you can feel the feelings inside of your body of accomplishing those things. But most of the time, we're not feeling those feelings and thinking about that. What are we thinking about? We're thinking about what if my business fails?

Starting point is 00:08:43 What if I can't pay my bills? What if I can't do that? And so you're going to feel the feelings in this moment where you're currently sitting as if your business has already failed. Well, that feels like shit, doesn't it? Why would you ever want to take action when you feel like that? And so you have to understand that your brain is so amazing that it can project itself into the future. And because of the fact that it's projecting itself into the future, you're feeling the feelings of that future as if it's actually happening right now. Problem is, most people think about what they don't want all day. And so that's why they feel

Starting point is 00:09:13 like shit all day versus waking up and focusing on what it is that you do want. And so if you can understand what your brain is imagining in the future, you can start to change it. So that's the first reason why you're not taking action to wherever it is you want to go. The second reason why is because of your identity. Another really big barrier to action is this misalignment between your current identity and the actions that you need to take to hit your goals. So to get somewhere that you've never been, you're going to have to do something that you've never been, you're going to have to do something

Starting point is 00:09:45 that you've never done. You understand that, right? In order to get somewhere you've never been, you're going to have to do some things that you've never done. And a lot of times this means that you need to step out of your comfort zone and do things that don't align with your current self-image. They, in fact, cannot align with your current self-image because you've never done them before. And for most people, that causes really big cognitive dissonance, which is, I'm doing something that doesn't line up with who I am. Well, that doesn't make me feel comfortable. It makes people feel really weird inside. And so the most important part of the behavior, aka everything that you do and what it is that you do in your life, is who you think you

Starting point is 00:10:27 are because who you think you are is going to dictate what it is that you do. So even if you intellectually understand that different actions need to happen in order to create the life that you want, you might still avoid them because they don't align with what you think you are. It doesn't align with your current identity. And so this misalignment creates this psychological tension within you. On one hand, you have all of the goals you want to achieve, a successful business, being rich, traveling the world, whatever it is that you want. That's on one hand. But on the other hand, all of the actions that are required in order to achieve them,

Starting point is 00:11:06 they don't line up with your identity. They feel unnatural and they feel uncomfortable. And this tension between what you want and what you need to do versus who you think you are, this tension can be really paralyzing, which then leads you, because of the fact that it's paralyzing, it leads you to doing nothing, which makes you feel stuck. And it's that feeling of I'm self-sabotaging, which is I know what I need to do. Why can't I get myself to do it? And so when people feel uncomfortable, what they tend to do is they tend to freeze. And so what you need to do is you need to have your identity of who you think you are. It's

Starting point is 00:11:41 going to have to change in some way. You're going to have to let it flow. And what I mean by that is like a lot of times we think like who I am is who I am. And I am this person. And this is my personality. And this is my identity. But the person that you are today is not who you have to be tomorrow. You can decide to be somebody else. You know, I've said this quote many times in this podcast. One of my favorite quotes is Alan Watts says, you're under no obligation to be who you were 15 minutes ago. Identity flows. It changes. It's not like a rock.

Starting point is 00:12:10 It's like water. Identity changes. It flows. You're not the same person that you were 15 years ago. So if that's the case, that means that your identity is not a thing that's set in stone. It's something that changes and moves and shifts. So if you understand this flexibility, the key is to break free from these limitations of your current self-image of yourself. And one of the things that you can do is you can

Starting point is 00:12:35 start to reframe who you actually think you are. And reframing basically involves changing the way that you think about yourself and your abilities. So instead of seeing yourself as someone who is shy, start to test that a little bit. Oh, I'm shy. I don't like to go out. I don't like to talk to people. And you don't have to say, hey, I'm outgoing, which is what most people say. Oh, if you're shy, just say you're outgoing. Your BS meter is going to go off and be like, well, I've never been outgoing before, so I must be shy. So instead of saying the exact opposite, well, if you're naturally shy, why don't you just ask yourself, what if I was just a little bit more outgoing? Like just get, you don't have

Starting point is 00:13:14 to jump all the way outside of your comfort zone. Just take a, take a little step out, see a different perspective. What if I was just a little bit more outgoing? Instead of viewing yourself as someone who's like very, very afraid and risk adverse, just ask yourself the question, like, instead of saying, oh, well, I'm brave and I'm courageous. That's stupid. You know, don't do that. Say, what if I was someone who was comfortable with taking calculator risks? What would my life, what if I could step in and be in? And you just step a little bit out of that comfort zone of yours. Just small shifts in your perspective. Because if you can see a little bit different of that comfort zone of yours. Just small shifts in your perspective. Because if you can see a little bit different of a perspective,

Starting point is 00:13:48 you start to actually see yourself as a different person, which is ultimately what you need to do to change your identity. And this little tiny shift in self-perception can change your behavior. Because then if your identity changes, then you can realize it's not necessarily set in stone. And if it's not set in stone, that means it could change. And if it can change, why can't I change it to who I want to be? Okay, if it's not set in stone, it can change. And if it can change, why don't I set it to who I want to be? Your identity is this really, it's like

Starting point is 00:14:24 who people think that they are. And the this really, it's like a, who people think that they are. And the more I work with people on this, the more I love talking about this. Who you think you are is basically just a house of cards. You think that it's this, you know, this fortress, this is who I am. This is what I do. This is how I've always been. But then you start talking to people just a little bit. Like you just realize it's like a house of cards, just waiting for a nice little flick and the whole thing comes falling down. And then you realize, oh my gosh, I'm just, I'm not who I thought I was at all. Which means if I'm not who I thought I was, then why don't I just build myself up into who I want to be? And so one of the ways that you can

Starting point is 00:14:56 really start to help yourself kind of get free of this is to start journaling through these things more. If you know, I listen, If you listen to podcasts a lot, I recommend journaling all the time. And just journal your current identity and start asking yourself questions about yourself. So ask yourself questions as if you were just really curious. You're meeting somebody new and you're just sitting down, you're interviewing them and asking them questions. And just say like, how do I see myself right now? Like, what do I think about myself? What are the beliefs that I hold about my abilities? What are the beliefs that I hold about my limitations? What are some of the fears that I have? What are some of the self-limiting beliefs? What actions do I avoid because they don't align with my current

Starting point is 00:15:42 self-image? Oh, well, you know what? I've always told myself I'm lazy, so therefore I'm not taking the action I need to. I'm not a hard worker. And just be honest with yourself. Just be very curious and try to just uncover if there's any underlying beliefs or fears that are behind everything that are shaping your behavior. And this process can really help you identify some of the specific aspects of your identity that are holding you back. And then if you've journaled who you are and some of your fears and some of your self-limiting beliefs, journal who you want to be. Hey, what would it look like if I was more confident? What would I need to do in order to be more successful? What would it look like if I wasn't somebody that was so afraid of being in a committed

Starting point is 00:16:27 relationship? And just start asking yourself these questions. What if? What would it look like? And you don't have to step into that person. What you're doing is you're just being curious. You're just being creative. You're just testing the boundaries just to see what else you would need to do.

Starting point is 00:16:41 And then what you want to do is after you become clear on who you want to be, is to start visualizing that future self. Because what happens is, if we wake up in the morning and we unconsciously are thinking about the future that we don't want, then we are unconsciously making ourselves feel the feelings of that future that we don't want based off of what we said a little while ago, which means we're unconsciously holding ourself stuck in place and not doing what we need to do to create the life that we want. So if we're waking up and unconsciously visualizing the future that we want, what if we woke up in the morning and we decided to visualize the future that we want and visualize the

Starting point is 00:17:17 future self? What would it look like if I was extremely successful? What would it look like if I was very outgoing? What would it look like if I was confident? And you sit there and you visualize that so that you can feel the feelings of, you know, what would it look like if I did build this business? And then a year from now, it's so successful. I'm able to take my family to Italy. Let me visualize what it would look like to see my wife and my two kids and be able to see them, you know, going on a tour through the Coliseum.

Starting point is 00:17:43 And you visualize that future and make it as rich as you possibly can and feel those feelings of the future that you want versus feeling the feelings of the future that you don't want. And you visualize this every single day and you journal and you visualize and you journal and you visualize. And what you're doing is you're, if I'm being honest with you, you're essentially brainwashing yourself to who you want to be. You know, if you're 40 years old right now, you have unconsciously brainwashing yourself to who you want to be. You know, if you're 40 years old right now, you have unconsciously brainwashed yourself into who you are right now. Well, why don't you, for the rest of the hopefully 40, 50, 60 years of your life, start to brainwash

Starting point is 00:18:16 yourself for who you want to be? Because you've brainwashed yourself to believe and be who you are right now. Why don't you brainwash yourself into being who you want to be and journal through it and plan it and feel the feelings of what that future would feel like. So therefore, you're not feeling like you have to push yourself to that future, but you're feeling pulled towards your future because your future just feels so exciting to you. And essentially, that is how you get past your self-sabotage. That's how you change your identity. And that's how you take the actions that you need to, to create the life that you want. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a favor, share it on

Starting point is 00:18:50 the Instagram stories, tag me in it, Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. The only way this podcast grows is from you guys sharing it. And so if you've ever gotten any value, please do me a favor and share it so that more people can find this so that I can impact more people's lives. And hopefully we can just make the world a better place. Also, if you love this podcast, you'll definitely love something I have called Mindset Mentor Plus. It is the next level past Mindset Mentor. So for every single episode of Mindset Mentor that comes out, Mindset Mentor Plus subscribers get a whole lot more. There's multiple page detailed worksheets going even deeper into every single episode that we have of this podcast.

Starting point is 00:19:30 There's worksheets, there's assignments, there's journaling questions. There's literally assignments and actions that you should take from every single episode. And we do monthly Q&A sessions in there and a few more other bonuses. So if you want to learn more about it, go to mindsetmentor.com. Once again, mindsetmentor.com. It is less than a dollar a day. And if you're interested, go to that website. And with that, I'm gonna leave it the same way I leave you every single episode, making sure mission makes somebody else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - How To Stop Self-Sabotaging Yourself

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