The Mindset Mentor - How to Talk to Anyone

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

Are you talking… or truly connecting? In this episode, I break down the psychology of real, lasting human connection. You’ll learn why most people communicate from performance instead of authenticity, why your nervous system, not your words, determines whether someone feels safe with you, and how to create conversations that go deeper than surface-level small talk. Feeling stuck? It's time to take back control. If you're ready to master your mind and create real, lasting change, click the link below and start transforming your life today. 👉 http://coachwithrob.com   The Mindset Mentor™ podcast is designed for anyone desiring motivation, direction, and focus in life.     Past guests of The Mindset Mentor include Tony Robbins, Matthew McConaughey, Jay Shetty, Andrew Huberman, Lewis Howes, Gregg Braden, Rich Roll, and Dr. Steven Gundry.   Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dyle. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, do me a favor. Give us a rating and review however you listen to us. More positive ratings and reviews that we get, the more of those platforms like Spotify and Apple Podcasts present this podcast, who have never listened to it before, which allows us to grow and hopefully impact more people's lives.

So if you would do that, I would love you forever. Today, I'm going to be talking about how to talk to anyone because your entire life is shaped by how you communicate. Your career, your relationships, your self-worth, and everything that you will get out of your life all rises or falls on your ability to connect with other people. And yet, no one actually taught you how to master the skill of communication. And so most of us are walking around rehearsing what to say. We're terrified of silence. We don't want to say the wrong thing.

We're stuck in conversations that never go deeper than stuff like, well, what do you do? But communication isn't just about having the right words. It's about creating a connection. and that is a skill set that anybody can learn. And so today I'm going to actually break down the psychology of real connection between you and another person. We're going to talk about how to connect and talk with any other person. And I'm also going to teach you why the way that you're currently communicating might be

completely wrong. And so if you want to be remembered, if you want to be respected, if you want to be felt by another person, stay with me because I'm going to teach you a couple of things that you've probably never heard of before. Okay. So if you've ever left a conversation thinking, oh, maybe I said the wrong thing or I think I talked too much or I was probably awkward or maybe they took that the wrong way. I want you to really listen deeply to what I'm going to be talking about here because I want to help you unlearn everything that you were taught about communication. Because most of us weren't taught to connect and to communicate with other people. We were actually taught

unconsciously, not on purpose, to perform for other people. We were taught to change ourselves to try to be liked by another person. We learned how to be liked, but we didn't really learn how to make other people feel like they're liked. And if I'm being completely honest, people can unconsciously feel when someone is being fake. And so if we're performing for other people, that means that we're not being our true solves and those people might not be able to say why they can tell like something's off but in the back of their mind they might be thinking like ah that person was okay but like i don't feel like we really connected and it's because they didn't connect with the true version of you they connected with the version of you that was trying to be liked and trying to be interesting and trying to be

cooler trying to perform in some sort of way and so what's wrong is that we have been taught to think like, if I say the right thing, then they'll like me. But deep connection isn't about the words. It's about everything that's behind the words. Okay. And so let's go deeper into this. A human brain is really, really complex. But if you zoom out to like 50,000 feet and you look down to what a human brain does, it's kind of simple, right? The human brain is always asking itself, am I safe? that's it it's just trying to feel safe and to in a conversation with somebody else their brain is unconsciously saying to themselves am i safe with you when they're in a conversation with you am i safe with you right people want to feel comfortable and the other person who you're talking to

their nervous system is scanning you and seeing you know it's always scanning 24 7 for threats not likability. And so the reason why I say is because most people are unconsciously in a moment of a conversation with you in the back of their head, not thinking this or not thinking this consciously. I promise you this. Am I safe with you? Am I safe with you? Am I safe with you? And they're most likely performing as well. And so this is what's really important to understand. Because most of us have been taught to perform and to try to be liked and to try to be interesting, they're most likely performing for you because that's what most of us are taught. Because we've kind of all been taught that. And so this scanning at every single moment is something that's called neuroception. It is the

subconscious process of the brain's neural circuits detecting cues of safety or danger in the environment without the actual conscious awareness. And so basically your body's subconscious radar, it's asking, do I feel safe? Do I feel safe in this situation? So their unconscious radar, subconscious radar are saying, do I feel safe? Do I feel safe with this person? Can I be present? Are they judging me or are they with me? And so the question is, do you give this other person a space to make them feel safe enough so that they don't have to perform anymore? Think about that for a second. Most people are sitting around being like, I need to take another course on how to communicate and how to be better on stage and how to say the right things. But real communication

comes from connection. And the question is, if this person is performing, because we're all performing, do you give them the space to make them feel safe so that they feel like they don't need to perform? They can let their guard down. And do you make them feel comfortable enough for them to be themselves. If you can do that, you can connect with any other human, if that's the thing that's in the front of your mind. You're not judged by what you say. You're felt by what your nervous system transmits to them and what their nervous system feels from you. And if you can make somebody feel safe around you, they will love being around you. If you can make somebody not feel like they have to perform and be somebody else, they will love

being around you. They will want to communicate with you and they will feel more connected with you than most people in their lives. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. Real word example, right? You ever meet somebody and like the person says the right things, but like something feels off. Like on paper, they feel like, yeah, this could be this person's great person, talk to, all of this stuff. But you're like, something feels off. And you can't really put your finger out. Like you couldn't actually say in words what it is, but your body's like something's not right. That's neuroception. And so if you want a deeper connection with another human, you need to regulate yourself before you try to relate with another person. One of the best ways to do it is to slow your breathing. One of my very first mentor said this to me

when I was learning how to communicate and learning how to manage people when I was in 20, 21 years old. I was learning how to manage people sometimes two or three times in my age. And he would say, slow down take a deep breath the person who breathes the slowest controls the conversation and so i always remember that when i was nervous i'm 21 years old i'm interviewing somebody that's 45 50 years old like they're they got way more life experience i just okay i need to slow my breathing because if i want to control the conversation i need to breathe slow the person who slows their who breathes the slow is controls a conversation so slow your breathing anchor your body, drop your shoulders, soften your face. And I want you understand, like most of us

are focusing on trying to say the right words, but communication is 7% words, 38% tonality in 55% body language. Let me say that again, 7% words, 38% tonality in 55% body language. So 93% of your communication with another human is not even the words that you use. Everyone's focused on trying and say the right words, but communication is way more than just the words. So does that person feel the connection with you? Okay. The next thing you want to focus on in order to have a better connection with another human is to try to get better at asking questions. The right questions will really make somebody feel connected to you and you connected to them. We're taught to try to impress people with stories and to look cool and to try to impress. But real connection,

is built when you make somebody else feel like the main character. Not when you talk about your accomplishments and all the cool stuff that you've done and try to make yourself the main character, but to make somebody else feel like they're the main character. I don't think people understand how much other people in this world are just dying to feel seen and heard. Like so many people are just dying for a real human connection. Like they want to be seen by another human. They want to be heard by another human. They don't want to be judged. They just want to be understood. And so if you can do that, people will feel a deeper connection with you and feel safe around you. And so this is the reason why asking powerful questions, and I'll give you examples in a

minute, is magnetic in communication. Number one, questions shift the spotlight. And so when you're the person who asks questions, you're the one that's controlling the conversation. Most people, as I said, in a conversation or in performance mode, when you ask a question that's about them or something that they love, they tend to break the routine and the monotony of like everyday communication and they wake up for a minute and they can be their true selves. So instead of being like, oh yeah, you know, how's the weather? How's your job? How's your day? Those questions suck. Those never go deep, right? So what you're trying to do is you're trying to break the monotony of routine and just normal everyday conversation. And so what we want to do is ask better questions. Like this is huge,

is to just get better at asking questions. Questions create psychological permission. People don't open up because you're nice. People open up because you create permission. Like you create a space for them to be able to open up. A well-time question is like saying, hey, I see you. I hear you. and your interests are important to me. People love to talk about what they love. People love to talk about their interests, especially if nobody ever asked them about it. And when you see somebody's body language change, you see their eyes light up and get bigger. You see that they're starting to be more emphatic in the way that they move and their tonality, but also their body language. You found something. Ask them more questions about them. That's where you want to dive in is on that. And so like

examples of like instead of saying like what do you do like I wish that nobody would ever ask me that question for the rest of my life what do you do like ask questions like well what made you choose that path what do you love about it like what's the most fun part about what you do those questions make them have to think and actually be more present with you and now you're asking them questions about what's the most fun part what do you love like what do you love about it's making them think differently and now they're breaking the routine of everyday communication. You know, if you're talking with someone, you're instead of saying, like, well, how is your

weekend? Just like, change the question of what was the best part of your weekend. And what I would recommend, if you're listening to this conversation, you really want to get better at communication and connection with other people, is to make a list. And you can just chat, GPT, if you wanted to, to do this. Like, make a list of questions to ask people, where they're just, like, really cool questions that people probably never get asked. Like, a question, like, what's something that people never ask you, but you wish

that they would. That usually opens people up immediately. One of my mentors of like 20 years ago used to ask this question. He was so interested in people. Like that was one thing that was great about him. And he used to always say, what's your story? How did you become who you are? And he used to get into like the deepest conversations. His name was John. John used to get like the deepest conversation because he would say, what's your story? How did you become who you are? And people like, oh my God, I don't know. And they like have to think and talk about things that they haven't talked about a long time. Another good question I love is, what would the 10-year-old version of you be proud of right now? Another good question is, if you weren't, you and I weren't being normal right now,

like quote-unquote normal right now, what would you want to talk about? And the last one is, what's something you secretly nerd out about that most people don't know about you? Like, these are questions that just break the normal everyday communication that you have with somebody and allows you go to deep with them. The goal here isn't to be interesting, it's to be interested. This is something that I've had to switch my brain on since I was younger because I was always, I didn't have a whole lot of self-worth

and I wasn't really great at communicating. So I was like, I need to look cool and I need to act cool. I need to be interesting. No, you don't want to be interesting. You want to be interested. Ask questions that invites someone's inner world to actually come out.

Okay? The next thing that's really important I want to talk about is the power of the pause. Like, pausing. and letting silence be there. Because most people think that pause is like awkwardness. But the truth is, the pause is where the real you gets to show up in this conversation.

The pause tells the other person, I'm listening to you. You don't need to rush. I'm not here to impress, I'm just here to connect. It gives them a space. And the pauses is where usually you really start to learn more about somebody. When you rush to fill silence,

what you're really saying to that person is, I'm uncomfortable with silence, so let me protect both of us with noise, right? Like, you don't want to do that. But when you hold space and you can be silent with someone, even if for just one breath longer, you invite them to go deeper. And to go deeper with people and you just sit there and you allow it to be a little bit of a space, people will start to spill more information they've never talked about. My very first one-on-one coach that I hired when I was 19 years old used to tell me,

wait three seconds and then respond and the reason why is because people's wisdom lives in the next thing that somebody says after they pause right like that's where the gold is if you pause they feel like they need to fill the space and so what they just said and they stopped saying when they stopped talking was just like the typical pattern of a conversation now that they want to fill that space they're like I got to talk about something else and what happens is they go talk about something else or go deeper into what they were just talking about and so it's like uh everyday conversation everyday conversation they stop one mississippi two Mississippi they usually start immediately three Mississippi like if you if you can get to three then you can start

talking but usually what they do is then they go deeper into what they were just talking about and now they've broken the typical pattern of a conversation and they go deeper if you interrupt the silence too soon you'll never hear it and so challenge i'll give you real real quick. Your next conversation, count to three before you reply and just see what like magic comes up in that conversation. Okay. And the last thing I want to talk about is matching their energy. Matching the energy doesn't mean that you're just only mirroring body language and performance and volume. Like that is kind of true. Matching their energy is really just trying to think that you're trying to calibrate to somebody else's nervous system. It's called co-regulation. And so an attuned

conversation kind of feels like a dance, right? Like you're in a dance, but not a performance. it's like a dance with somebody. And so you've got to ask yourself during a conversation with somebody like, how can I show this person and how can they feel like I'm connected to them? And, you know, it's a feeling, it's not a performance. You're trying to find a version of you, a true version of you, that feels like it's in the conversation pocket with them. And so you're not trying to act like you're someone else.

You know, you're trying to be in, you're trying to be the truest version of yourself connecting with this other person. and once again they will unconsciously notice it i promise you that and so if you want to become somebody that anybody can talk to and be a great communicator you've got to understand a few different things and these are my challenges for you this week okay number one before you speak breathe slow down let your nervous system chill out so that you can regulate yourself and they will regulate their nervous system unconsciously to yours the second thing get better at asking real questions like real questions not that typical BS that everybody says to each other.

The next one, let the silent stretch. Don't interrupt the moment, let it deepen. And then the last part of it is just reflect the emotion, not the words of the other person. Like, let them know that you feel them, not just hear them. So that is what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me at Rob Dow Jr., R-B-D-I-A-L-J-R.

And if you want to learn more about Coach with me outside the podcast, you can learn more at CoachwithRob.com. once again, coach with rob.com. And with that, I'm going to leave the same way leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.