The Mindset Mentor - It’s Not Your Job To Make People Love You

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. We do this three to four times a week. And so if you want these podcasts, go ahead and hit that subscribe button. And if you love this podcast, please give us a rating and review, however you listen to us. It helps us more than I could possibly tell you when you give us a great rating and review. So if you love this podcast, please do me a favor and do that. Today, we're going to be talking about how it is not your job to make other people love you. Now, this one's tough because we all want to be accepted.

Starting point is 00:00:46 Like as a human, no matter how hardcore or macho you might think you are or any of that type of stuff, deep down, every single one of us, what we truly desire more than anything else

Starting point is 00:00:58 in this entire world is to feel loved and to feel accepted. Like just to feel like we're good enough and to feel like as we are, our truest nature, we're accepted. And you know, it's human nature to want to be loved and accepted, but sometimes in our quest for acceptance, we end up losing ourselves and we can become focused on trying to be someone that we're not so that we can basically please other people.

Starting point is 00:01:25 And in that, we end up losing ourself. We forget who we truly are. And it's important to remember that it's not your job to make people love you. Our job is to find the truest version of ourself and be the truest version of ourself. Like for those of you guys that grew up in America and you went through high school, some of you guys that went through whatever the equivalent of high school is and middle school, for you, you know, the ages of 12 to 18 years old, we end up losing ourself in that. I don't know about you guys, but I feel like most people, I feel like I lost myself in that time.

Starting point is 00:01:58 And I tried to be somebody that I wasn't just so that I would be accepted. I had such little self-worth that I would be whoever you wanted me to be in order for you to just finally like me. But in reality, other people ended up liking me and I ended up not liking myself. And so what I'm going to talk about today is why it's so important to find, first off, who your true self is and how to actually do it as well. And so, let's talk about, first off, why do people change themselves? Why do we become chameleons and we become people pleasers and we become what people want us to be and we do things that we shouldn't necessarily do or maybe even go against our own beliefs in order for people to like us? The first thing that I think is the biggest or one

Starting point is 00:02:45 of the biggest pieces is that we fear rejection. We're afraid of not being included in social groups. And if you remember, like I said, the 12 to 18 year old version of you is we just wanted to fit in. We want to be part of the cool group, but we wanted the non-cool group to accept us. So like sometimes you want to be part of the cool group and sometimes the anti-cool group is who you want to be accepted by. But no matter what, you are trying to be accepted by some form of a group at some point in time, most likely, right? And so what we do sometimes is we change ourself in order to be that way. We will act certain ways in order for people to accept us. And this is especially true for those of you guys, which is probably

Starting point is 00:03:25 most people, who faced a lot of rejection as a child, or maybe you experienced bullying as a child, or maybe you went home and you were bullied in some sort of way by your parents. And so you learned in order to calm a situation down, I have to be someone that I'm not. I have to please everybody else. I have to make everybody else feel good. I have to feel like I'm accepted. And there's a lot of different pressures. There's cultural pressures, there's societal pressures. Some of you guys that were raised in certain parts of the United States, certain parts of the world, certain ethnic groups, certain cultures, colors, people who came in from other countries, and you've got to act a certain way so that you fit in with them. And so we have all of these

Starting point is 00:04:10 different societal, cultural pressures that can influence and force us to change ourself and change our standards and change who we truly feel like we are. For example, off the top of my head, some women might feel pressure to conform to certain beauty standards Even though maybe they don't want to in some men might feel pressure to conform to expectations of masculinity like for me, I know that I Ended up being more of an asshole When I was younger to fit in with certain people and also to kind of protect myself. Like

Starting point is 00:04:45 if I'm more of an asshole than everybody else around me, no one's going to test me. Like I want to hurt them first so that they don't come in and hurt me. And so it was like a toxic version of masculinity is really what it was. And so we feel these societal pressures and these cultural pressures of how we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to act based off of what we're seeing, what we're told, what we think people that look like us are supposed to act like, what we think people that come from a certain part of town are supposed to act like, people with a certain skin color are supposed to act like, certain genders are supposed to act like. And so we kind of mold ourself into this, you know, this like clay person where we just put

Starting point is 00:05:21 pieces together so that people will accept us, right. And we lack a lot of self-confidence is another big piece of it is as we're discovering who we truly are, we lack self-confidence and we lack self-esteem and believe that changing ourselves will make us attractive to more people or more successful. And for me, I know when I started my first business, I completely changed who I was in order to be what I thought would be quote unquote successful in that business. And it worked for a little while. And then as I was fighting my true self over and over and over and over again, I ran it into the ground because it wasn't who my true self was. And there was like my true self and my conditioned self battling against each other all day long. And we feel like sometimes we need to

Starting point is 00:06:06 change our personality for other people. We have to change our appearance for other people. And lack of confidence is a big piece of that. And we think that in order to build more confidence, we have to become somebody else. Another aspect that I think of as why we decide to change ourself is past traumas and past experiences. You know, past traumas, whatever they were, negative experiences can influence people and change themselves. Like I've met a lot of people who are like, one of the things I get asked a lot of is like, how do I stop being a people pleaser? How do I stop being a people pleaser? And when you dive into it, you realize that a lot of the people who became people pleasers

Starting point is 00:06:45 became that way because of traumas that happened to them, because of the way that their parents treated them, because of the fact that sometimes it was so much chaos back home that they had to please everybody to try to calm down the chaos. And they had to mold and shift who they truly were so that they could kind of make all of the negativity at home subside, whether that's an alcoholic parent or whether that's a narcissistic parent or whether that's a parent that disconnects from everybody else. All these past traumas and experiences make us feel like we need to be somebody else. And it's important for us to lose ourself to go and find ourself. And I have a podcast episode coming out about losing yourself in order to find yourself

Starting point is 00:07:27 pretty soon. But we have to go and understand that we have to get lost in order to be found. And over time, you find out who you are and who you're not. And if you're really taking a step back and trying to develop as much self-awareness as possible, you start figuring out as you get into your 20s, as you get into your 30s, your 40s, who you are and who you're not. And it's really important for us to start to identify our true self. Being your true self means being honest with who you actually are. What do you believe and what do you want in life? Because we're raised to our parents' beliefs.

Starting point is 00:08:08 want in life because we're raised to our parents' beliefs. Sometimes you end up getting 25, 35 years old and go, ah, that's not my belief. And the belief that my parents gave me weren't even actually their beliefs. They were passed on from their parents or their parents or their parents, or they were passed on from what culture they come from. And they were passed on from the church that they went to. And you realize that the beliefs that were passed on to you weren't even the people who passed them on to you's true belief. And so why is it important for us to find our truest self? Being true to yourself means being honest with who you are, finding out what you believe and what you want in life. And it means discovering your values and not changing your personality once you find it so that you can just fit in with other people. Being your true self is super important. The reason why is because I think a lot

Starting point is 00:08:49 of people lack confidence and they lack confidence because of the fact that they are trying to portray being someone that they're not. And so we think, okay, I want to be loved. I want to be accepted. Let me go and present myself to other people so that I feel loved and accepted from them. And in turn, it ends up lowering our confidence and our self-confidence goes lower because we know that's not our true self. So when you decide, I'm going to figure out who I want to be and whether people love me or not, I'm going to be this version of myself, it actually starts to build your confidence. First off, when you decide who you are, when you decide what your beliefs are, when you decide what your values are, what your traits, and you decide this is who I'm going to be,

Starting point is 00:09:34 and you start presenting that version of yourself, no matter what, you actually start to build confidence when people start to accept you. You feel more confident in your own skin. You don't have to be someone that you're not, pretend to be someone that you're not. That can be really exhausting and really draining. Instead, what you can do is you can focus on developing the strengths and the skills of who you want to be and be proud of that version of yourself. Another thing that does besides building your own confidence is it also improves your relationships. Because when you're true to yourself, what you do is you actually attract people who share the same values and interests as you. So if you have been somebody else over your lifetime, you have attracted people who line up

Starting point is 00:10:20 with the other version of you, the non-true version of you, the conditioned version of you. And so as you start to step into who you truly are, what you have to realize is you might lose some people in your life. Can that be scary? Yeah, because once again, we all just want people to love and accept us. But when you're true to yourself, what happens is you start to attract people who share the same interests as you, who share the same values as you, and you're more likely to develop really meaningful, authentic relationships, and you start to actually get real connection with other people. So in reality, when we go back to the very beginning of what I was talking about, what we all really want is to be loved and accepted. But then we become somebody else, and that version of us gets loved and accepted, but we don't feel like that is us,

Starting point is 00:11:02 so we don't even accept that. So when we decide and we discover and we say, hey, this is who I'm going to be, this is who I feel truly deep down in my heart that I am, and people start to accept that, oh my God, your relationships improve like crazy. You start to develop real connections with people, which is what you were longing for in the beginning. So if you're trying to be someone that you're not, you attract people who don't understand and appreciate who you truly are. It also helps you make better decisions because it allows you to know what you're going to say yes to

Starting point is 00:11:32 and what you're going to say no to, right? You make decisions that align based off of your values, your goals, who you want to be, where you're trying to go, and you're less likely to make choices based off of external pressures or expectations that other people have of you. You're more likely to make choices based off of external pressures or expectations that other people have of you. You're more likely to make choices that reflect you, who you want to be,

Starting point is 00:11:49 your desires, your needs, what you're trying to do in your life. So then that brings us to the question, well, Rob, how the fuck do I find out who my truest version is? I've been lost for so long. How do I find who I truly am? Right? It's not easy. It's going to take some time. And so I'm going to give you a few different tips on actually how to do this, okay? Finding the truest version of you is a process that takes time. It takes self-reflection. It's not going to happen tonight. It's not going to happen next week. It's going to be an ongoing process. It might take years. It might take five years, 20 years, 30 years. You might be 30 years down the road and start to be like, man, I feel like I'm finally stepping into my truest self. Man, at least you get to step into your truest self. So let me give

Starting point is 00:12:29 you some steps on how to discover who you truly are. Number one, sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself, what are my values? Like what are the values, the principles, the beliefs that guide your behavior and your decisions? Like who do you want to be, right? Identify your values. Take some time to think about it. What matters most to you in life? What principles do you want to be? Identify your values. Take some time to think about it. What matters most to you in life? What principles do you want to live by? What causes do you feel passionate about? What people do you want to help? How do you want to go out into the world and be remembered? And once you've identified your values, make sure that when you've identified them, you wake up in the morning, you look at them every single morning and say, I'm going to become a deeper version of what I see in this paper. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:09 Next thing is understand your personality. You're unique. You're different than any other person. There's never been another person out of billions of people who have ever been born that are exactly like you. What is your personality? Are you an outgoing person? Are you an introvert? Which one are you? Are you a little bit in between? Are there certain people that make you an introvert or certain people that make you an outgoing person are you an introvert which one are you are you a little bit in between are there certain people that make you an introvert or certain people that make you an extrovert like understand your personality what are your strengths what are your weaknesses what do you like about yourself what would you like to improve and then embrace your strengths and work on your weaknesses so that they align with your values don't if your weaknesses are like i know of some of

Starting point is 00:13:45 my weaknesses, I don't care to work on them at all sometimes. I look at my strength a lot of times and I go, yeah, I'm going to try to make these even better. And so understand your personality. Who are you? Start to find yourself. Start to learn who you actually truly are. Next one, number three, is to explore your interests. Like what do you love to do? What have you not done in years that you love doing? What is it? Is there something that's exciting to you? Is there a hobby that you used to have

Starting point is 00:14:13 that you just haven't done in a long time? Like maybe you used to love to go hiking, but you moved into New York City and you haven't been hiking in four years. Can you take a train a couple hours outside the city a couple times a month and actually go back and do that? Like, what are your interests? What hobbies do you enjoy? Like, did you used to paint a lot as a kid and you loved painting and you haven't painted in 17 years? What subjects do you find fascinating? Like, what interests you

Starting point is 00:14:41 that you want to try to start doing more? So that's the third thing is like, you know, you've got to figure out and explore what your interests are and start to rediscover them. And then the fourth thing that I'll tell you is this, you got to be honest with yourself. Like being true to yourself requires absolute ridiculous honesty. You need to be honest about who you are, what you want, what you're doing, where you're going, and what you need to do in order to achieve those goals. You have to be afraid, I'm sorry, you have to not be afraid to admit when there's something that you don't want to do. You have to not be afraid to admit your weaknesses and to acknowledge when

Starting point is 00:15:13 you're wrong. And you've got to be really, really honest with yourself. Being honest with yourself is the first step to really being true to yourself. Okay? So then we start to dive into, that's how you start to figure out who you are What can you do to be true to yourself? So once you've discovered like this truest version of yourself the next step that you want to do Is to actually start to set some boundaries when you've found who you are You need some boundaries in life who you're going to hang out with who you're not going to hang out with what you're going to Do what you're going to allow yourself to do and stop allowing yourself to do

Starting point is 00:15:44 The the boundaries of how you're going to do, what you're going to allow yourself to do and stop allowing yourself to do, the boundaries of how you're going to act, you need to start to set some boundaries as to who you're going to be, who you're going to surround yourself, what it is that you're going to do. You've got to really start protecting your sense of self. You've got to establish these boundaries and setting boundaries can be really, really challenging, especially if you're used to putting other people's needs in front of your first. But it's important to remember that you can't be true to yourself if you're constantly sacrificing your own needs and desires for other people. So that's the first thing. You've got to learn to set some boundaries. The second thing is you've got to speak your truth. You've got to speak your truth to everybody else around you. You just got to.

Starting point is 00:16:22 And here's the thing. Once again, as you start to step into your truest self, there might be people who you lose. And if you lose them because of who you are truly, they never loved you in the first place. They loved a different version of you, but they didn't love the truest version of you. So you've got to speak your truth. You've got to figure out who you are, what it is that you want. And you've got to go to people and say, listen, I'm not going to do this anymore. I'm not going to give myself up. I'm not going to act this way. I'm not going to do this for you anymore. And you've got to start to speak your truth. The people who stick with you are the ones who actually truly love you. What did I say at the very beginning? It is not your job to

Starting point is 00:16:56 make people love you. It is your job to figure out who you truly are. And the people who love you the most are going to stick with you through it. And they're going to love you even more when you step into that version of yourself. So you've got to speak your truth and figure people who love you the most are going to stick with you through it and they're going to love you even more when you step into that version of yourself. So you've got to speak your truth and figure out who you are and then start to speak that to other people. Number three, as far as what you need to do in order to really start to solidify this version of you is you've got to embrace your uniqueness. You're weird. I'm weird. We're all weird. We're not the same as anybody else. Stop trying to fit in with other people. My favorite quote about fitting in is Jim Carrey when he's giving a commencement speech. He says, your need to fit in will make you invisible in this world.

Starting point is 00:17:37 You're not meant to be like anybody else, like everybody else. You've got to embrace your own uniqueness. Figure out who you are and then be very, like, let me take a step back. Instead of saying be very comfortable in your skin, start to become more comfortable in your skin. And then the last thing, surround yourself with some badass people who support you. Like surround yourself. If you go and you speak your truth and you set your boundaries and you embrace your uniqueness and some people don't like it, then some people aren't going to like it. But when you find the people who do like it and they do love you regardless, those are your people. Spend more time with them. Surround yourself with people who support you, who go, you know what? I've seen you changing and I love the changes that I see

Starting point is 00:18:18 in you. Not the people who are like, oh my God, you're not who you were two months ago. No, I'm a human. We're not supposed to stay exactly the same. We're supposed to evolve. That is the biggest piece of being a human is we evolve over time. The people who are your people are going to support you throughout that entire thing. And the last thing I'll tell you is this, challenge everything you think and everything you believe. Just take a step back and try it. Try to challenge every thought and belief that you have. Question it. Write it down. Why did I just say that? Why did I just think that? Do I actually truly believe this? Is this my belief or is this a belief that was given to me?

Starting point is 00:18:56 Start to challenge yourself. Start to mess up all of the, you know, it's like going to, the way I think about it is there's a quote that says, as you start to discover yourself and learn yourself and meditate, it's like walking into an attic and inside of that attic, there's a mirror and it hasn't been touched in a long time and it's covered in dust. And in order to see your true self in that mirror, what do you have to do? You're going to have to get that dust off. You're going to have to wipe the dust away. But as you wipe the dust away, it's going to happen. It's going to go on your face. You're going to cough. You're going to sneeze. All of that's going to happen. It's going to go on your face. You're going to cough. You're going to sneeze. All of that's going to happen. That's not your truest self. That dust is not your truest self. In order

Starting point is 00:19:30 to see your true self in that mirror, you're going to have to get all of that dust and all of that shit out of there. So challenge your beliefs. Start to step into that newest version of yourself. And if you fast forward five, 10 years from today, and you take this exact episode and decide to step into who you truly are, you'll look back five, 10 years down the road and be take this exact episode and decide to step into who you truly are, you'll look back five, 10 years down the road and be like, damn, I'm so glad. Was it easy? It was not easy at all. But I'm so glad that I took that path of figuring out who I am, discovering my truest self, letting go of some habits, traits, quality, and people that were holding me back and decided to really be my truest self. So that is my take on why it is not your job to make people love you, because people who love you will love you regardless of who you are. So that's what I

Starting point is 00:20:10 got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. We post two to three times a day on Instagram. I have an entire team that helps me put all my stuff out on Instagram, editing, photos, videos, everything to try to add as much value to your life as possible. So if you love this podcast, you'll definitely love me on there. If you are on Instagram, once again, it's Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And I'm going to leave the same way I leave you every single episode, make it your mission, make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - It’s Not Your Job To Make People Love You

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