The Mindset Mentor - Mastering Self Love: The Secret You Need To Know

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you love this podcast, please do me a favor, take out your phone, however you listen to us and give us a rating and review. The reason why the more positive rating reviews that we get, those platforms, when we get more positive rating reviews, actually show this podcast to people who have never listened to it before. So if you would do that before we start, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, we're going to be talking about self-love and we're going to be diving into self-love in a way that you've never thought of it before. I'm going to talk about what

Starting point is 00:00:39 self-love is. I'm going to be talking about what self-love is not, and it will probably surprise you. Because most of the time we think of self-love is not, and it will probably surprise you. Because most of the time we think of self-love, it's like looking in the mirror and saying, I love myself. I love myself. And I'm going to love myself no matter what. And you're beautiful, and you're handsome, and you're doing amazing. And don't get me wrong, that is self-love. And that is a very, very important part of self-love. That's not really what we're going to be talking about today. You know, people hear the word self-love and they think that I need to love myself more and I need to speak better to myself. I need to be my best friend. I need to tell myself, instead of saying, you know, you look terrible in those jeans, saying, hey, you look

Starting point is 00:01:21 amazing in those jeans. And telling myself, you know what? I'm an amazing mother. I'm doing a great job. I'm proud of myself. I need to give myself more, a little bit of a mental and verbal hug. And those are definitely important, but that's not what we're going to be diving into today. I'm going to dive into something completely different because all of that is true. All of that is necessary. I do believe that you should talk to yourself in the mirror. One of the most life-changing things that's happened to me when I was younger was we had, when I worked in a company when I was about 19 years old, 20 years old, we had a guy come in and speak to our sales group. And he was talking about looking at yourself in the mirror,

Starting point is 00:01:57 setting a timer for five minutes and saying, I love you. I love you. And like looking deep in your own eyes, not wearing any clothes, right out of the shower, just completely naked as you are, as you were born into this earth and saying, I love you. And like looking deep in your own eyes, not wearing any clothes, right out of the showers, completely naked as you are, as you were born into this earth and saying, I love you. And I did that. And it helped a lot. It helped me start to love myself more, start to believe in myself more. And that is very important, but we're going to talk about a completely different version of it. And I want to talk first about what self-love is not, because I see it getting, I guess you could say, misconstrued to most people, where you have a really tough day at work,

Starting point is 00:02:32 you have a really long day, and you think to yourself, you know what would really make me feel better? Is having a glass of wine. And we try to trick ourselves and say, you know what? Self-love right now is a glass of wine. And sure, sometimes it might be, but the majority of times, if we have a really tough day at work or a really tough day and we come back and we have a glass of wine, a lot of times that's not self-love. It can be once again. I'm not saying don't enjoy a glass of wine, but a lot of times that actually tends to be numbing of our actual feelings. Self- not, self-love is not going and getting fast food because you're hungry and you don't want to get hangry. Self-love would be more of like

Starting point is 00:03:10 stopping and getting an apple at the store instead and having that hold you off until you're able to get a real actual legitimate meal, not something that's full of chemicals. Self-love is not skipping the gym because you've had a hard day at work and, you know, you worked really hard today. Sometimes it might be, but the majority of time it's actually not. It's showing up to the gym because you do love yourself. And it's not, self-love is not having a cigarette because you've had a stressful day. None of those things are really self-love the majority of the time. A lot of the times what that is is self-numbing, and it's not going into and actually starting to go to the root of what's actually going on and solving the root problem. Because a lot of times we're trying to numb the feeling. We're trying to numb the stress. We're

Starting point is 00:03:55 trying to numb the anxiety that we have because of the way that the world is and the way that our lives are. And once again, I'm not saying don't enjoy your life. I'm not saying, you know, if you want to have a cigarette, I don't care. That's fine. Have a cigarette. If you want to, you know, have a glass of wine, have a glass of wine. If you did have a really good day, a really bad day, sometimes you got to listen to your body and you do need to skip the gym. But the majority of the time, it's not doing those things. A lot of the time, those are actually the opposite of self-love. Those are self-numbing. For instance, if we look at the example of having a glass of wine, for instance, after a really long, stressful day, maybe the boss, he's just such an asshole, and he triggered you, and he yelled at you, and your coworkers are like little shits,

Starting point is 00:04:41 and they're bugging you as well. That glass of wine a lot of times, instead of actually dealing with, hey, why was I triggered by my boss? Why was I triggered by the people that I work with and my co-workers? Why was I triggered? A lot of times the feeling that we feel is like the downstream effect. It's like the symptom, but it's not the actual cause of it. And so for me, being in the industry that I'm in and trying to help people as much as I can, I always look and I say, if you were triggered, why were you triggered? If you feel like you have to have a glass of wine after a long day of work because you want to take the edge off, the real question in my mind is, why is there an edge?

Starting point is 00:05:23 Most adults were never taught how to self-soothe. I have an episode about a month ago where I really go into self-soothing. So I recommend listening to that and going back. And so we're not taught how to self-soothe, how to calm our nervous system down, how to calm our mindset down. And so we search a lot of times for external circumstances and external substances. A glass of wine, although it is amazing and I do love wine, it's the easy way out and there's no growth from it. So then you start

Starting point is 00:05:51 to take a step back and say, okay, I can see that. Maybe I'm a little bit triggered by what Rob's saying because I love having a glass of wine when I do have a stressful day and I do want to take the edge off. But then you ask yourself, well, what would be better? What would be better for my own self-improvement? And maybe what would be better for you instead of having a glass of wine is deciding, you know what? I've had a stressful day. I've got a lot of negative energy inside of me right now. I have a lot of stressful energy inside of me. You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to get changed when I get home. I'm going to put on my running shoes and I'm going to go for a run just to get out that anger, just to get out that frustration, just to get out that negative energy inside of me and allow my body, instead of holding

Starting point is 00:06:33 onto it, allow my body to release that energy so that I can move on. Maybe if you don't like running, maybe instead of having that glass of wine, doing something like a 20-minute guided meditation would help you learn how to calm yourself and learn how to self-soothe. So maybe you sit down, you have a meditation. Believe me, your brain's going to be all over the place. You're going to feel all of your feelings. You're going to feel why you're triggered. But instead of running from it, it's more of like, can we dive into it and ask myself, why is this here? And how can I make sure that next time I don't get triggered? Maybe it might be for you if the glass of wine is what you're trying to avoid. You don't want to go for a run.

Starting point is 00:07:10 Maybe you don't want to meditate. Maybe it's journaling. Maybe you're a really big thinker like me. I'm a really big thinker and I have to think through problems and think, think, think. I like to be by myself, in quiet. And a lot of times I like to put my thoughts with pen and paper because there's some really complex things that we go through. And a lot of times we'll look at it and we'll say, oh, my boss triggered me. So I need a glass of wine. But sometimes that self-love isn't that sometimes it's saying, hey, listen, what's what's what's the way I can love myself better?

Starting point is 00:07:39 Well, why didn't my boss trigger me? Oh, you know what it is? It's reminding me of something that my dad used to say when I was younger. It's reminding me of when I was rejected by the boys on the baseball team. And we start to actually identify where these things are coming from so that we can improve. And I realize these are not sexy. Like what's sexy? If you go back and look at like in the 1950s, 1960s, maybe even earlier, and you look at like, I'm just thinking of like black and white movies in like the 40s and stuff where they'd be sitting there and it looks so sexy to like have a glass of wine and a cigarette. And that seems sexy to make it look sexy. Journaling is not very sexy. Meditating is not very sexy. Going for a run

Starting point is 00:08:22 or doing a really good workout is not really sexy. They're actually harder, like way harder than just sitting down and having a glass of wine. They're way harder. A glass of wine, that's easy. That's sexy. But it doesn't change anything. And you're not listening to this podcast because you want to stay the same. You're listening to this podcast because you're the type of person who does want to change and not stay the same. You're listening to this podcast because you're the type of person who does want to change and not stay the same. You do want to grow. And when you numb, what you're really doing is you're not changing anything and you don't learn anything about yourself. And so for me, if you've been listening to the podcast long enough, I'm always trying to figure out where I'm not free. Because where I'm triggered is showing me where I'm not free. So when someone comes to me, a boss were to come to me and say something to me and I get agitated or stressed or I start

Starting point is 00:09:10 cussing him out in my head, it's a place where I'm not free because as Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. So if he made me feel inferior, I consented to that because he said this thing to me. Maybe one of my coworkers, he said the exact same thing to and they go home and they feel fine they don't need it because they're not triggered and so I'm really trying to figure out where I'm not free because we all want freedom you haven't grown if you're just trying to numb you're in the exact same place mentally emotionally spiritually tomorrow as you were today so then you look at it and say, okay, if that's not self-love, what is self-love? I see self-love obviously as the way that you speak to

Starting point is 00:09:51 yourself. I see self-love as the way that you treat yourself. If you are confident in yourself, you're confident in your abilities, if you talk well to yourself, I do see it as that. I do see it as something of being kind to yourself. But there's also tough love. And a lot of times what we need sometimes is tough love. And when you love someone, like a really great friend, your job is to be there for that friend and to help them out. And sometimes being there for that friend, one of the best things you can do is give them tough love. Sometimes you don't need to give them tough love. Sometimes you do. Sometimes it's like, hey, Stacey, you're saying the same thing over and over and over again, and you're dating the

Starting point is 00:10:34 same type of person over and over and over again. When are you going to get it together and stop dating these types of guys? Sometimes that's how we have to come to ourself and speak to ourselves. Sometimes self-love is the energy of like the tough uncle, you know, it's like the tough uncle the tough grandfather He loves you But he's not going to put up with the bullshit Like, you know that when you're around him, he's going to call you out He's going to help you get back on track But you never question it because you know deep down down, he loves the hell out of you.

Starting point is 00:11:06 He loves you for who you are. He wants the best for you. He wants you to grow. He wants to be better. But sometimes there's the feminine energy that we need, which is the self-love of just being there and supporting ourselves and accepting and just trying to hold that space for ourself. And then sometimes we got to talk to ourself and say, man, you got to get your shit together. Like, when are you going to change? When's something going to be different? And that's the masculine energy of bringing in the tough uncle of like, damn it. I know when I get around Uncle George, he's going to call me out. And sometimes you avoid Uncle George, don't you? Because you're like, he's going to call me out of my BS. So self-love can look like the feminine that we're talking about, the feminine energy,

Starting point is 00:11:47 because we all have masculine and feminine side of us. But sometimes self-love can really look like going to the gym when you really don't want to, because you knew that it was something that you said you were going to do. And you know that if you do do it, it will be harder. But at the same time, you're going to be better. You're going to feel better after. You're going to get that anger out of you. You can get those emotions out of you. You're going to allow your body to process it. And your body's going to be better at the end of it. I've never heard someone that worked out at the end of a really good workout. It's like, man, I'm really pissed off that I showed up for myself. Sometimes that's what self-love can be.

Starting point is 00:12:20 Sometimes it can be waking up early and getting your morning routine in so that you can fill your cup for the day. Sometimes it's easier to sit around and sleep in, but you know that you need that tough love of like, hey, you're about to go into a real busy day. You need to be here for yourself. You need to make sure that you're on point. Okay, you need to get up. You need to do your morning routine. You need to be there for yourself before the kids wake up. You need to fill your own cup because, hey, your cup's been feeling empty for the last few days. Sometimes self-love is reading because it's way easier to scroll on your phone. It's way easier to scroll on your phone, but sometimes it's reading. It might be a self development book. It might be a spirituality book. It might be a book on how to stop overthinking.

Starting point is 00:13:06 Sometimes self-love is deciding that you're going to meditate after a really long day. And a lot of people struggle with meditation because they think that they're supposed to stop thinking. Like I hear a lot of people, I get a lot of messages on Instagram like, hey, I'm really terrible at meditating. What should I do? Like, how do I stop? How do I stop getting, how do I get rid of all of my thoughts when I'm meditating? I'm like, no, that's not what it is. When I went to Thailand, I spent a day with a monk. And one of the things he said is that meditating is not getting rid of your thoughts. Meditating is observing your thoughts. Because what comes up in meditation, if it's agitation, if it's anger, frustration, what comes in in meditation when there is no external stimuli, you can't see anything, you're not scrolling through your phone, you're not keeping busy all

Starting point is 00:13:48 day long, what comes up in meditation is just a heightened experience of what's bubbling under the surface all the time. So sometimes it is meditating after a long day. Sometimes it is saying no to the glass of wine. Sometimes it is saying no to the ice cream. Sometimes it is saying no to the fast food, even though it's convenient and you just want your stomach to stop growling. Sometimes it's saying no to going out with your friends because you should be preparing for a test or you should be presenting, putting your presentation together so that you can make sure that you have the slides ready to go. All of those things you need discipline for. And so when you look at self-love, a lot of times what self-love

Starting point is 00:14:26 is, is self-discipline. You don't need discipline to do easy things. You don't need discipline to do easy things. You don't need discipline to drink a glass of wine. You don't, once again, I love wine. I love ice cream. I love sleeping in. I love all of these things. So I'm not saying that you don't ever do these things. That's not what I'm saying. I want to make sure that we're clear on that. But sometimes you need discipline and you don't need discipline to go and have that glass of wine. You don't need discipline to eat that ice cream to try to numb your feelings. You don't need discipline to sleep in. You need discipline to do all of the opposite of those things, to say no to the glass of wine, to say no to the ice cream, say no to sleeping in because you love yourself so much and you're not going to deal

Starting point is 00:15:09 with this shit anymore. And you're going to push yourself to be better. Self-love is to do the discipline, to have the discipline, to do the things that make you better. And so what it comes down to is what do I need more discipline in? How do I need? And I understand the word discipline is hard because discipline, self-discipline is one of the highest forms of self-love. But when we say the word discipline, discipline also has a very negative connotation because we think to ourselves like when somebody does something wrong, your child, you know, punches your other child in the face, sometimes they need to be disciplined. When your dog does something that's not supposed to, maybe it barks and then poops on the floor. It might need discipline. But when we're talking

Starting point is 00:15:48 about self-discipline, we need self-discipline to do the things that are better for us. We need self-discipline to wake up early. We need self-discipline to meditate. We need self-discipline to read. We need self-discipline to say, I'm going to take some time and I'm going to meditate because I just want to exist simply and not be so overly stimulated all of the time. So self-love is self-discipline to do the things that make you better. And that's really what it comes down to sometimes. And so if you're asking yourself, how do I love myself more? A lot of times what that is, is showing up for yourself. Because all

Starting point is 00:16:25 too often I hear people all the time that write in and people have been through my programs and that type of stuff where they give their power away to other people. And they put everybody else in front of themselves and then they have no time for themselves. And what happens is they start to lose themselves. And so sometimes what I really think most people should do is realize that there's two forms of self-love. There is the feminine side of it. And once again, male and female, completely out of this. We all have feminine qualities inside of us. We all have masculine qualities inside of us. And so sometimes it is looking in the mirror and having the practice of self-love and saying, I love you. I appreciate you. You know, looking at yourself in the mirror and be like, man, you've been through some, you've been through some shit, bud, and you're doing a really good job. And I appreciate

Starting point is 00:17:12 you for that. That is definitely a form of self-love. That is definitely the feminine form of self-love and is definitely necessary. But sometimes it also requires the masculine side of you as well, which is that uncle that's saying, dude, you said you were going to do this and you need to get it done. You don't need to deflect. You don't need to numb yourself. You need to step up. You need to make yourself better. And so what I really want you to get out of today's episode is there are two forms of

Starting point is 00:17:39 self-love and both of them are necessary for you to love yourself more. The feminine side of it, the masculine side of it. And so when you have a tough day, when you have something that you're working for, when you have things that you really want to grow and improve at, sometimes you need the masculine side of that, the discipline side of it, to do the things that are better for you. And if you do that, you will not regret it. You won't. You'll notice that you grow from it and you will appreciate yourself for saying, you know what? I was really tired when I came home, but I decided to do a 30 minute YouTube workout and I feel better about myself. Because what happens? You start thinking to yourself,

Starting point is 00:18:13 I didn't want to show up for myself. I did show up for myself. You know what, Damon? I am proud. You're doing amazing. Today was hard. Today was tough, but I'm going to show up for you because I love you. And you did a really great job. And you showed up for yourself. And you got that workout in. And so bring in the feminine side of self-love, which we all talk about, we hear about. But also, remember, self-discipline is a form of self-love as well. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it.

Starting point is 00:18:41 Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, you'll also probably love my book because I did write it. And it's 16, 17 years of knowledge of coaching people. And it is called Level Up. You can buy it wherever books are. If you listen to this before October 3rd, you can pre-order it at robdial.com book. Everybody who pre-orders will be put into a drawing for over $25,000 in cash and prizes. There's going to be a pool of over 10 people that we're going to be giving this out to for the pool of over $25,000 in cash and prizes.

Starting point is 00:19:10 And you'll also get, if you pre-order it, a free mini course about procrastinating that's called How to Get Off Your Ass Masterclass. And so if you're interested in it, once again, go to robdahl.com book. And with that, I'm going to leave the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Mastering Self Love: The Secret You Need To Know

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