The Mindset Mentor - Releasing Your Judgement And Anger

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week to help you learn about who you are so you can understand yourself, so you can grow yourself, so that you can improve your life. So if that's something that you want to do, hit that subscribe button. Today, we're going to be talking about how to work through and release your judgment and anger towards other people. Because when you take a step back and you look at a human, what you're really looking at as somebody grows up as humans is we are patterns that we are, have developed over our lifetime.

Starting point is 00:00:45 In the majority of the patterns that we have developed over our lifetime, most of them, if not all of them are completely unconscious then. And so we, what we do is because of the fact that they're unconscious is we develop them without really recognizing them. And it's kind of like the phrase of the old tale where it's like there's two young fish swimming in the water and an old fish swims by him and he says, hey guys, water's nice today, isn't it? And they look at each other and they say, what's water? It's like they're in the water and it's so omnipresent, it's been around them their entire life that they don't even realize that it's there. And that's how a lot of our patterns are until we decide to actually start looking at ourself through a lens and say, like, what are my patterns? Why am

Starting point is 00:01:30 I reacting this way? Why am I doing this? And when we look at patterns, some of them are beneficial. I don't want you to think that all of the patterns are not beneficial. Some of them are beneficial. And then some of them are holding us back and keeping us stuck in life and creating self-sabotage. are holding us back and keeping us stuck in life and creating self-sabotage. And some of those patterns are anger, jealousy, judgment, having a short fuse. All of those are patterns. Now, when you look at the patterns, why would we have those negative, you know, we would title them as negative patterns. Why would we have those patterns? Why would we have anger? Why would we have jealousy, judgment, criticism, having a short fuse? Where did they come from? And why are they still in our lives? And there's a quote by a guy named Marcel Rosenberg. And the quote says,

Starting point is 00:02:17 every criticism, judgment, diagnosis, and expression of anger is the tragic expression of an unmet need. And so this is really important because Rosenberg, what he does is he suggests that how we would label them as negative behaviors are emotions often that we had as child that stem from unmet needs, and we still have them as adults. So when we criticize people, when we judge people, when we get mad, when we blow up at people, we're not reacting to the situation. More than anything else, what we're doing is we're revealing an underlying need that is not being met in some sort of way. And so we're really going to dive deep into this. And I think that there's going to be a lot of people that are going to listen to this episode and really start to learn a lot about yourself.

Starting point is 00:03:04 We're going to dive into your reactions. We're going to dive into your unmet needs. And we're going to see if we can start to identify any needs that are unmet for you and exactly how you can start working through them. And this will help you understand yourself, but also really help you understand other people as well. And so when you look at needs, just in general, needs are universal as a human for everything and we have needs from physical requirements physical needs like food water shelter clothing you know physical safety we have those types of needs but we also have emotional needs such as love respect feeling like we belonged and that is really emotional safety and when these met these needs are really

Starting point is 00:03:45 unmet they tend to show up and manifest as negative emotions and behaviors and if we can understand this connection it really shows us a way to to look at them and understand that we're it's not really the situation what it is is it's it's the unmet need behind it and so so it's, it's like, um, when you look at somebody who is, who, who has anger, they blow up at a situation. The problem is not that anger. The problem is what caused all of that, right? So it's like anger is the symptom that you're seeing, but it's not the actual cause. And so when you look at unmet needs and you look at needs in general, probably the most famous version of needs is Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where he's, it's basically, if you've never seen it, it's a

Starting point is 00:04:29 pyramid. And at the bottom of the pyramid is the most important ones, which is physiological needs. And then from there, it goes up the pyramid and starts to go through your needs. So the first one, the most important for us is our physiological needs. That's the basic necessities for survival, for us is our physiological needs. That's the basic necessities for survival, food, water, shelter, sleep. The next one up from that is safety needs, protection from physical and emotional harm, stability, security, order. And this would be like your personal safety, financial security, your health, your well-being. The next level up from that would be love and belonging needs. And so that would be like relationships, affection, being part of a group or community, romantic attachments, all of that type of stuff.

Starting point is 00:05:14 The next level up from that would be emotional needs. And this would be the need for your self-esteem, your respect for yourself, your respect from others that you're getting. It could be achievement. It could be achievement, it could be status, it could be recognition, feeling of accomplishment, all of that. And then the last level and the top level is what he calls self-actualization needs, which is the need to realize one's full potential in order to achieve personal growth and fulfillment. And so it could be like creative activities, solving problems,

Starting point is 00:05:49 seeking personal growth, building a business that changes the world or helps other people. And all of those would be the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. And so when you look at early childhood development, I mean, this part is going to be huge for a lot of you to really understand yourself, but really start to understand other people who are in your lives that you come across. If you listen to this podcast long enough, you know I almost always go back to childhood development because majority of our patterns come from childhood development. And the development of unmet needs and their expression begins in early childhood. You know, as children, we rely on caregivers to meet our physical and emotional needs. And when these needs are met consistently, children develop a sense of security. They develop a sense of trust.

Starting point is 00:06:41 But if they are unmet or if they're inconsistent, children develop behaviors that are aimed at drawing attention for those specific needs. So a child who feels neglected might start to act out to get attention from their parents. And this is really, really, really, really important. And this took me over 30 years to really understand. Most people listening to this podcast had their physical needs met by parents. You know, there are some people who didn't have food and shelter and stability that are listening right now. But I would say the vast majority, probably over 90%, you didn't have a whole lot of, like, it wasn't like you didn't have a house to live in.

Starting point is 00:07:21 It wasn't like you weren't fed. It wasn't like you didn't have water. It's not like you didn't have a house to live in. It wasn't like you weren't fed. It wasn't like you didn't have water. It's not like you didn't have housing. Sometimes, you know, some people out there did not have those things. But the majority of people listening had your physical needs met by parents. But many, many, many people don't get all of their emotional needs met from their parents. And, you know, like for me, I remember one time I went to a therapist, uh, probably when I was about 29, 30 years old. And I told him my whole life story. And he said, you were neglected. And I was like, no, I wasn't, I wasn't neglected. Like I had everything I needed. I never like felt like I wasn't going to be fed. And he said, no, because of the fact that your father wasn't there, you were emotionally neglected from him not showing up in many different ways. And I was like, holy shit, I didn't even know emotional

Starting point is 00:08:10 neglect was something that I could have. And I started working through those things. And so, you know, I see this from a lot of people who I've worked with over the last 19 years is, is they were not physically neglected by their parents, but a lot of people unconsciously, parents really emotionally neglected them. They didn't feel safe around their parents. They didn't feel fully loved around their parents. They felt like they had to perform in order to get their parents' love.

Starting point is 00:08:37 And I want you to understand that this is not me shitting on anybody's parents. That's not something I ever want to do. But everyone's parents did the best they could with what they had, but they learned from their parents. That's not something I ever want to do, but everyone's parents did the best they could with, with what they had, but they learned from their parents. And a lot of us, our grandparents, our great grandparents were just trying to survive physically in order to get by. And, and so like, when I think about my grandma told me, uh, her stories of when they went through, uh, the great depression, how they were just trying to survive and feed like her parents were trying to feed their family.

Starting point is 00:09:10 And so when you're just trying to survive, a lot of times there's emotional neglect that comes from that. And so when physical safety is the most important thing, emotional safety isn't always there. always there. And so it kind of goes down the line of, I think it's going to take a few more generations before, hopefully, if technology doesn't get too insane and get in the way, for people to actually really start to feel emotional stability all of the time from their parents. And so if you're a parent, one of the most important things that I can tell you is to work on making sure that your children feel emotionally secure, right? You need to work on making sure that your children feel emotionally secure, right? You need to work on yourself. You need to work on your own emotional stability.

Starting point is 00:09:50 But read books about parenting. Read books about childhood brain development and how, you know, if you have a child and the time that you spend with them in front of them will help them develop their own nervous system. And their nervous system is learning from your nervous system. You know, because as children grow, these early experiences shape their understanding of how they express their needs. And so a child who learns that crying or temper tantrums result in getting them attention that they want because their parents are too busy on their phones, that will then end up being a behavior that they usually will turn

Starting point is 00:10:23 into adulthood, right? But a child who learns that they can express their needs directly to their parents, they can express them calmly, and that's the most effective way to do it, that will carry into the adulthood. And so let me give you some examples so we can really put some context this, because this is really important, right? So I think I have like four or five examples for you to really understand this. Let's say a child throws a temper tantrum, a meltdown in Target. And when you look at that, the first question you need to ask yourself is what is the unmet need? You know, a lot of times that is a child wanting attention from their parents in some sort

Starting point is 00:10:57 of way. Maybe they feel unsafe in a place they've never been before. And that need that they need is safety. They need their parents to pick them up, make them feel safe. Maybe the child is tired and that need that they have is sleep. Maybe they're hungry and the need that they have is to eat, right? So when you see something happening like that, which is what we would call a quote unquote negative emotion, like the temper tantrum or blowing up, whatever it might be, the real question is, what is the unmet need at this moment? You know, if you see a, you know, let's say an example would be a parent who, I see this a lot with people where their parents were so hardcore

Starting point is 00:11:40 of them getting good grades all of the time, that they never really got praise or encouragement from their parents. So if they come home with an A, it's like, why wasn't it an A plus? Oh, you got a 98? What were the two points that you didn't get? And so they never really got true encouragement from their parents. And the child has an unmet need for esteem and recognition from their parents. They just want to be seen. They just want to be loved for their accomplishment. But the behavior, what it turns into over time is that this lack of positive reinforcement turns into low self-esteem as an adult. And so as an adult, because of the fact they have low self-esteem, they might express that as judgment or criticism towards other

Starting point is 00:12:23 people so that they momentarily feel like they elevate their own esteem, their own self-esteem. And that's just a really way to mask the feelings of inadequacy. And so we, we, a lot of people will judge in that reason because they don't feel like they really got the unmet need that they had is they've really just wanted their parents to rec, they've tried really hard on a test. They got a 95 and the parent was like, why didn't you get a hundred? And it's like, the child just really wants you to say, hey, I'm so proud of you. You did such a good job.

Starting point is 00:13:00 And so it's an unmet need from childhood that develops into a pattern and a behavior later on in life as an adult. You know, and there's a thing that's called Baumeister's Self-Esteem Study that was done in 2003. And the actual study title was, Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, and Healthier Lifestyles? And so, you know, they went through this whole thing and they found that self-esteem,

Starting point is 00:13:21 and when they went through it, low self-esteem is linked to negative emotional expressions like anger and criticism. So when people have low self-esteem that stems from their childhood, usually it comes and turns into anger and criticism as they get older. And so researchers found that unmet needs and unmet esteem could lead to behaviors aimed at judging or criticizing people in order to boost their own self-esteem, often resulting in negative interactions with other people. So it's really interesting to start to look at that. So that's another example.

Starting point is 00:13:55 Let me give you an example of a parent-child conflict, right? Let's say a parent gets angry at their teenager for staying out late and not being home on time, right? The unmet need is really the parent, if they blow up on the child for it, it could be the parent's need for safety and reassurance. And so the parent might not feel safe in the world because maybe they weren't really meant to feel safe by their own parents, whatever that pattern was. And so they don't feel safe in

Starting point is 00:14:26 the world. So they don't feel safe with their child being out in the world. And so they need that child to come home in order to feel like they're safe. And so the parent's anger is actually driven by a need to ensure that child's safety. But whatever we're looking at from the outside world, if that parent is looking for safety from that child coming home, what they're really looking for a lot of times is from themselves. Whatever we're looking for from the outside world is what we're looking for from ourselves. And so the real question becomes, if that's an unmet need, well, then how can that parent make themselves feel more safe so that they don't grasp their children too tightly and it turns into resentment later on in life. You know, let's say you're, another example would be, let's say you're

Starting point is 00:15:11 scrolling on Instagram and you see someone with more than you, more happiness, more joy, more, a better body, more money, whatever it might be. In your mind, you judge them and you criticize them. You're like, oh, she's skinny. She must not eat. Maybe she makes herself throw up, right? Or she's got no wrinkles. She must edit her photos like crazy. Or she probably gets Botox. Or, you know, he's got a new car.

Starting point is 00:15:37 He just bought a new Mercedes. He's probably fucking people over in order to make that money. And you see somebody and you make a judgment or a criticism on them immediately. And you have to realize it's you, it's what you're looking for from the outside world is what you're looking for from yourself. And if you can't accept yourself, then you're probably not gonna accept someone else.

Starting point is 00:15:59 And when you see somebody else succeed, you're starting to judge yourself for your lack of success. And so your reaction has nothing to do with the person who's skinny. It has nothing to do with the person who has less wrinkles. It has nothing to do with the person who just bought the new car. It usually comes back to what is my unmet need? Oh, shit. I don't love and accept myself, so I can't accept somebody else's success or somebody else's looks. And the last example I'll give you is this. Let's say that you go out to dinner and you blow up on your partner at dinner because

Starting point is 00:16:32 they've been on their phone for a few extra minutes than normal, right? And you don't want them to be on their phone. And then you ask yourself, okay, I just blew up on this person. What is my unmet need? You know what? We've had a really busy couple of weeks. We haven't had any alone time. A lot of stuff's been going on with travel. A lot of stuff's been going on with work. A lot of stuff's been going on with the kids. My need that is unmet right now is I really just want, I just want quality time and I want attention from them. And I want to feel that emotional connection, but it came out as anger. So in this, in this relationship, the partner signals a need for quality time and attention, but blows up on them instead.

Starting point is 00:17:13 And so it's the adult version. This is literally the adult version of the meltdown and target. The meltdown and target happens because they want, you know, to feel loved, to feel seen, to feel held by their parent. The adult version of blowing up inside and getting mad or disconnecting and shutting down in a restaurant is they want to feel seen. They want their attention. They want to feel loved.

Starting point is 00:17:39 And so these are all patterns that we develop from childhood, and it really turns into these adult behaviors. And so what you have to do is you have to start, you have to learn to start recognizing this within yourself. You know, when you do get angry, take a step back and say, what is my unmet need? Okay, that's what my unmet need is. When you feel, you know, when you feel like you're alone, what is the unmet need? When you see somebody and judge somebody alone what is the unmet need when you see somebody and judge somebody what is the unmet need if your friend comes over and tells you about the promotion they just got and you start to feel like jealous what is the unmet need that is there if you criticize somebody else whether in your own head or whether verbally out loud what is the

Starting point is 00:18:21 unmet need and really what it comes down to is us taking a step back and realizing, like I said, we have these majority of these patterns we've developed over our lifetime, and we have no idea where they came from. We have no idea that we have them. And it takes a moment of self-reflection to come back and go, okay, I criticized, I judged, I got angry, I blew up on somebody, I had a meltdown, I got too emotional. What is the unmet need? And a lot of times what you're going to recognize is what you're actually looking for is what you're looking for from yourself. You know, if you're really wanting that love and affection from your spouse, 100%, you should definitely let them know. But what you're also really looking for is just the love and acceptance from yourself. And so you really have to have a moment of self-reflection

Starting point is 00:19:11 and find out what's going on. And then what you do is you actually just start noticing your patterns, start noticing when this happens, and start really understanding that if I'm being truthful, is the majority of people can't give you the need that you want. If you're looking for, you know, emotional safety, if you're looking for physical safety, if you're looking for all of that, those usually come from you before they come from anywhere in the outside world. And so it's, it's recognizing your own unmet needs. And then once you can recognize it in yourself, you can start to recognize it in other people. You know, like I've said in this podcast many times, I've been doing this now for 19 years. I've been working with people half of my life.

Starting point is 00:19:50 I've been working with people. And it is really hard not to have a lot of empathy for people when you start to hear people's stories, because every adult is just an unhealed child that's in an adult's body. And when you see a guy who's blowing up and he's an asshole, yeah he is an asshole, he is being an asshole, we would categorize him as that. But that's also just a little child that didn't get love and affection from his dad or he is lashing out because his dad lashed out. And so you really start to understand other people a whole lot more

Starting point is 00:20:20 once you start to understand yourself as well. And so when you see a quote-unquote negative reaction within yourself or within your children or within a spouse, just ask yourself, what is the unmet need here? And what can I do to help myself meet that need? And then what can I do to help those other people meet that need as well? So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode and you love this podcast, you'll definitely love something that I just launched called Mindset Mentor Plus. I designed it so that you can actively integrate every one of these episodes into your life. And this is basically how it works. Every episode that comes out of this podcast, Mindset Mentor Plus subscribers are

Starting point is 00:20:57 going to get much more. You'll get in-depth, multiple page detailed worksheets, effectively a mini masterclass for every episode that's more in depth than just the podcast. They come with journaling questions and challenges so that you're not just listening to these podcasts, but actually integrating every single one of them into your life so that you and your life improve faster. This is also where I'm going to be doing live Q&A sessions monthly and more. To learn more about it, go to mindsetmentor.com. I'm currently giving a one-time discount for new members who join before July 5th. Once again, that's mindsetmentor.com. And I can't wait to meet you guys inside of Mindset Mentor Plus. And with that,

Starting point is 00:21:38 I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Releasing Your Judgement And Anger

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