The Mindset Mentor - The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, please do me a favor, just give us a rating and review on whatever platform you listen to us on. Reason why is because the more positive ratings and reviews that we get on those platforms, the more that they show this podcast, people have never listened to it before. It allows us to grow and allows us to impact more people. So if you do that, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. Today, I'm going to be talking to you about the relationship advice that nobody has probably ever told you. I'm going to give you four different tips that I

Starting point is 00:00:41 think are going to help you out in your relationships. And let me say this first off, I'm not a relationship coach. I don't think that I'm an expert in relationships. I have been with my wife now for 11 years. I think we have a great relationship. And so I just want to give you some tips of what I found with my relationship, but also with people that I've worked with, coached. I've seen people have great relationships. I've had people have terrible relationships. And I've kind of just come up with these four tips to help you out. So let's dive into it. Tip number one is this. The most important relationship that you'll ever have is with yourself. It's not with somebody else. It's not with your parents. It's not with your spouse.

Starting point is 00:01:18 It's not with your children. Our relationship with ourselves is the foundation for every single other relationship that we have in our life. It shapes how you view the world. It shapes how you treat yourself. It shapes how you treat other people and also shapes how you allow other people to treat you. And so if you have a broken relationship with yourself, if you're your own worst enemy, if you talk trash to yourself all day long, it's going to lead to a lot of different downstream effects. It leads to insecurities, it leads to doubts, and it tends to lead to toxic patterns that will then ripple into all of your relationships. It's insane to think that, and so many people think this, it's insane to think that

Starting point is 00:02:00 you're going to have great relationships with everyone else, but a terrible relationship with yourself. And so we need to prioritize our own self-worth more than anything else. Our mental and physical health are the two most important things in our life because the better that you are mentally and physically, the better that you can take care of those that are around you. And if we neglect our own relationship with ourself, if we neglect our own self-worth, what happens is we tend to look to other people to fill that void. And there are too many people going around in this world looking for somebody to fill a hole within themselves that only they can fill. And so what happens is if we're looking to other people and we're not working on ourself first, we're not working on a relationship with ourself, then you might tolerate being treated poorly by other people. And you might actually go out there and seek external validation from other people, which tends to happen is, oh, I don't believe in myself.

Starting point is 00:02:58 I need you to believe in me. I don't love myself. I need you to love me. I don't love myself. I need you to love me. And so what happens is we can over rely on other people to feel worthy of love. And so it's like that phrase, like, I'm not who I think I am. I'm not who you think I am. I am who I think that you think that I am. And so it's like, I look to you to tell me who I am because I don't know who I am. I look to you to tell me that I'm good enough because I don't think that I'm good enough. The people that have the best relationship with themselves tend to be able to go out into the world and have great relationships with other

Starting point is 00:03:36 people. And it has been shown in studies that prioritizing your self-care, prioritizing your self-love, your self-acceptance makes you more likely to cultivate healthier relationships with other people. And so the first step is to recognize and to fully accept that a relationship with yourself, a good relationship with yourself, prioritizing yourself is not selfish. Even though for some damn reason, so many people will tell you that it is selfish for you to prioritize yourself and to prioritize your self-care. Oh, you should be giving to others instead. Oh, that's so narcissistic to think of yourself first. What it's really about is acknowledging that you have needs as a person and that you need those needs met and that you

Starting point is 00:04:25 need to set those boundaries with yourself and you set boundaries with other people. And you need to develop a strong sense of who you are. So many people are just wandering through the world looking for other people to tell them who they are. And if you don't love or you don't trust yourself, you're going to constantly look for someone else to fill that void. And what happens is that tends to create a really unhealthy imbalance in your relationships. And so let's kind of bring it home. What exactly does that mean? It means healing the relationship that you have with yourself. And what that means can be letting go of past traumas, working through them. A lot of times people want to act like traumas didn't happen and they want to turn a

Starting point is 00:05:10 blind eye to it and just not look at it because it's too painful. No, it's about working through them. It's about giving them another meaning than maybe you gave them before when you were going through them. It's about working through them. It's about maybe talking to yourself and realizing like having a real one-on-one conversation being like, you know what? I don't talk well to myself. One of my favorite exercises I ever saw around this, and I've told this before on the podcast is I saw a video Jay Shetty put out years ago. And he was sitting down with these women that were like in their probably late 20s, early 30s. And he gave them a pen and paper and he said, I want you to say, like write down all of the things, all of the negative stuff that you say to yourself in your head. I want you to write it down.

Starting point is 00:05:49 So these women are just like writing all of this stuff down. And he says, okay, I have someone who wants to come in and see you. So he has, they're little sisters that are like, I don't know, probably 10, 12, whatever it might be. They come in and sit down next to their sister who was just writing all that stuff down. And he says, I want you to say all of those things to her. And they're like, no way, I would never do that. And so they're saying all of these terrible things themselves, but they would never say it to a little sister. And it's like, if you wouldn't say it to your little sister, don't say it to yourself. There's still a little person that's inside of you. And so it's like the negative self-talk, it's about healing that. It's about changing that. It's about being your own best

Starting point is 00:06:28 friend. It's about realizing that you're your biggest fan and you need to stop being your biggest critic. It's about figuring out what your self-belief is around your worth. It's about forgiving other people. It's about more than anything else, forgiving yourself. And so you must first learn that you have to meet your own emotional needs before expecting anyone else to do anything else for you. The better relationship that you have with yourself, the better relationship you can have with other people. So that is the first thing, is the most important relationship you're going to have is with yourself. And we will be right back. And now back to the show. The second thing, this is really important. Don't expect the other person

Starting point is 00:07:07 to complete you. Nobody else in this world will complete you. I understand that Jerry Maguire fucked so many people up with that amazing, you complete me line, right? And everyone's like, oh my gosh, I want to find the person that completes me. But the idea that someone can complete you is an idea that's popularized by movies, by books, by rom-coms. But in reality, it's a really, really dangerous example for a real relationship. And I want you to listen to me closely on this. Nobody else is responsible for filling in the gaps in your self-worth or trying to make you feel whole. Nobody can do that. That's way too much pressure for another person to try to fill your

Starting point is 00:07:46 voids within yourself. Because what happens when that person's gone? What happens when that person is on a work trip and they're gone for a week? You feel less than again. And now you're reliant on that other person to make you feel whole. A healthy relationship is not about finding another person who is quote unquote your other half or your better half as people like to say. It's about two complete individuals coming together to support each other to grow. Two whole complete individuals coming together to try to make a better life. It comes from a place of like this, like I'm good alone and I choose you versus I'm lonely and I need you, which is how most people get into relationships. Oh my God, I'm lonely. I need you. No, it's like, hey, I'm good alone,

Starting point is 00:08:38 but I choose, like, wouldn't you rather somebody to choose you versus need you? Like, hey, I'm in a really good spot in my life and I want to be with you. Like I choose to be choose you versus need you. Like, hey, I'm in a really good spot in my life and I want to be with you. Like I choose to be with you versus like, I'm not feeling really good about myself. I need you to make me feel good about myself. When we expect someone else to complete us, it places so much pressure that is so unnecessary on the other person to meet all of your emotional needs. And if you have somebody that's a people pleaser, oh my God, they're going to burn themselves out trying to fill the void that is within yourself. That's so much pressure for another person. So instead of trying to find someone to complete you, instead, the goal should be to find wholeness within yourself, which goes

Starting point is 00:09:22 back a little bit to number one. When two people come together and they feel whole, that relationship becomes a space for grace, which means that you mutually support each other in becoming the best that you can become. And instead of both of you guys trying to fill in each other's voids, it's like you both come in whole and you both amplify each other's strengths and help each other evolve rather than fixing each other and feeling like you have to fill the void within the other person. And so it's important to understand that no partner, no partner, no matter how wonderful, all of that can be everything for you. And that, once again, that is just way too much pressure upon another human. And so it's like, you know what? I'm going to work on myself. I'm going to have this great relationship with myself. I'm going to become whole. And then I'm going to search for another person who also feels whole and we can

Starting point is 00:10:12 make each other better. Not just like, hey, I need you. Can you come be with me? So that's number two. The third thing, which is really interesting, I've never really heard this said out loud to other people, is that love is a choice, not a feeling. We often think of love as this all-consuming emotion where something happens to us that's beyond our control. And it's another thing that's taught to us in rom-coms. Oh my God, we're head over heels for this person. And we think that that's what it's supposed to feel like all the time, this overwhelming, all-consuming emotion. And it's just all completely out of our control.

Starting point is 00:10:49 It's just... And that's fine. It can be that feeling in the beginning, but it won't be that way forever. You can definitely love somebody and love them a lot, but it's not this head over heels thing all the time. Because a long-term relationship, like a long-term relationship, is going to have ups and downs. And if you're expected to be perfect all of the time, well, then it's going to fall short. And that's, once again, too much pressure on another person in the relationship. So there's going to be ups and downs, and there's going to be ups and downs in

Starting point is 00:11:16 your relationship, but there's also going to be ups and downs in life. And so that all-consuming feeling won't be there all of the time. Love certainly involves feelings of passion and connection, but it's also a conscious choice that we make every single day. Love is a decision. I'm going to be here for you no matter what. I'm going to support you no matter what. I'm going to be your safe space for you to come to when you need a safe space to go to. I know that you might not trust anybody else in the world to be open, honest, and vulnerable with, but you can be that way with me. And a deep relationship with another person can be a great place for you to be able to open up and heal past traumas because you know no matter what you say, and you can open up fully, that

Starting point is 00:12:04 they're not going to judge you. They're not going to try to change you, they're not going to love you less. That's really one of the highest forms of what a great relationship can be, which is just like a absolutely 100% safe space. Sure, there can be all consuming feelings of love and infatuation and all that, but it's also just like the feeling of safety. Like no matter what happens in the outside world, at least I know that I have this person. Because over time, butterflies and infatuation, all that can fade. But what remains is that decision to continue to keep loving your partner and investing in your partner and investing in your relationship. And so it means showing up for them in the good, showing up in the bad. It means being there when they're struggling, offering support when they're down, making the effort to keep the relationship strong, putting that as one

Starting point is 00:12:50 of the biggest priorities in your life, even when it feels challenging. And what's really interesting is what I have found is that when you go through the toughest of things in life with somebody, and you can see how much they're there and they support you through it, the love only deepens over time. So it's not like an infatuation love. It's like this person has me more than any other person, like has my back more than any other person in the world. And that creates a bond that really is really, really hard to break. And it's a lot stronger than like fleeting emotions. And so I don't want you to be like, oh my gosh, I love this person so much. I'm infatuated with them. That's the only thing. That's not the only thing. It's like, hey, you have this long-term effort and intention with

Starting point is 00:13:36 the person. They have it for you as well. It's also important because when arguments pop up, conflicts pop up, which they eventually will, when you remember that love is a choice on both parties, you can start to approach it from the desire to, hey, I want to understand and heal rather than I want to win a fight or prove a point. The relationship, and this is one thing I found out in being in a long-term relationship, the relationship is more important than being right. And so when I could say, hey, I don't have to be right all the time. I don't have to prove my point. I don't have to make her wrong. It's like, who gives a shit? That's not really what I'm here for. The relationship is more important than being right. And so that's number three, is that you have to understand that

Starting point is 00:14:19 a lot of times love is a choice, not just a feeling that you feel. And then number four, this is a very important thing, is that no one is responsible for your happiness but you. You are responsible for your own happiness. And so one of the most common mistakes that I see in relationships is expecting their partner to be the source of their happiness. And relationships can bring a lot of joy. They can bring a lot of fulfillment. No one else can truly make you happy. Happiness is an inside job. You are responsible for your

Starting point is 00:14:49 own happiness. Don't put that responsibility on someone else. Nothing outside of you can truly make you happy. You can have a moment of happiness, but deep happiness starts on the inside and you bring it to the outside. And so placing that responsibility on your partner to fulfill that need is not only unrealistic, but it's also really unfair to them. So when you depend on your partner for your happiness, you're creating a dynamic in your relationship where your emotional state is tied to their actions. It's tied to their behaviors. It's tied to their mood.

Starting point is 00:15:24 No, it's like, no matter what happens, I'm going to be happy. Nobody can piss on my picnic. That's a phrase I always say. Nobody can piss on my picnic. I'm just going to be good, right? If you're having a bad day, that's something that you can fix. Don't go, oh, I need to go to my partner for them to fix it. What if they're having a bad day or a bad week? Then they can't make you happy. And so you're going to have a bad day and a bad week now because they've got stuff going on. And so if you're looking for another person to make you happy, to make you feel better, it can lead to, if it's too much over too long a time, it can lead to resentment because no one can meet all of your

Starting point is 00:16:02 emotional needs all of the time. And if you, like I said earlier, if you find someone who's like a people pleaser or someone who really loves you and wants to help you, they can use a lot of energy trying to make you happy when in reality they can't make you happy. That's for you to do. And it creates a power imbalance where one person becomes responsible for the wellbeing of everybody. And that can really burn somebody out. So it's just, it's too much responsibility. You can't force that on somebody else. And the truth is we're all responsible for our own mental and emotional health. It means taking time to understand what you want, understand what you need, practicing your own self-care, whatever that self-care looks

Starting point is 00:16:38 like, meditation, morning routine, working out, journaling, taking space for yourself, whatever it is, going on a run. And it's really about you finding the way to fill yourself up more than anything else. When both partners in a relationship take ownership for their own happiness, what happens is that the relationship then becomes a place of support encouragement rather than this place of pressure and of burden. And so when you focus on your own personal well-being, you free your partner from having to be the sole source of your happiness, which then allows you to have a healthier relationship, to have your relationship be more balanced, where both individuals can grow, both individuals can thrive.

Starting point is 00:17:24 should be more balanced, where both individuals can grow, both individuals can thrive. And it also really, really reduces the risk of codependency, which is where one partner's happiness is entirely reliant on the other's approval or validation. And so really, if you want healthy relationships, there's a lot of tips and tricks and ways to have healthy relationships. These are the four where I was like, what do people not really hear too often that they should hear? And I think these are not the end all be all, but I think the most important relationship you're ever going to have is with yourself, number one. Number two, you can't expect the other person to complete you. It's not like you're just half a person walking around trying to find your other half. Number three, love is

Starting point is 00:18:00 a choice. It's not just a feeling because it's not always rainbows and sunshine all the time. And number four, you have to realize that you're the person that's responsible for your own happiness. Nobody else can be responsible for that. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. The only way this podcast grows is from you guys sharing it. So if you would share it, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it. And also, if you want to learn more of how you can work deeper with us, just instead of just the podcast, go to mindsetmentor.com. Once again, mindsetmentor.com. There's a whole lot of information of how you can work with me a little bit deeper to work on yourself and improve your

Starting point is 00:18:38 life. And with that, I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode, make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

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