The Mindset Mentor - The Secret to Self Love

Episode Date: February 18, 2022

In this episode, I’m gonna give you a massive secret on how to love yourself more! Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. And if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, please do me a favor. Please go into Apple Podcasts or into iTunes

and give us a rating and review. The more positive rating and reviews that we get, the more that they show this podcast organically to other people, and the more that this grows and the message grows as well. So if you love it and you want other people to love it as well, please do me a favor and give us a rating and review. It'll take you 30 seconds and I will love you forever if you do so. Speaking of that, today we're going to be talking about how to love yourself. I get so many messages from people that talk about how they struggle with self-love. They talk about how they struggle with accepting themselves. And the reality is that we can be so ridiculously cruel to ourselves.

And so what it boils down to more than anything else is how do we actually learn to love ourselves? And I'm going to share something that I've heard Ram Dass say quite a few times. And really what it comes down to sometimes, guys, is not how to actually love yourself. It's better off said, how can we accept ourselves more? Like, how can I learn to accept myself as I am so that therefore I don't go,

oh my gosh, I have to love this about myself. I have to love this about myself. I have to love this about myself. What if it's just, hey, how can I accept myself as I am without any need for improvement or anything? Because when I love myself, I actually want to keep improving myself. And it's really not about just love. It's about self-acceptance. The barrier to self-love more than anything else is actually self-acceptance. And to accept yourself fully as you are, you know, the love handles, the scars, the extra little bit that's on you, whatever it is,

the white hairs, the balding, accept yourself truly for who you actually are, for all of your flaws, for all the things that you fucked up in the past, everything. Because all behind that self-judgment and the things that you're looking at yourself and the things you don't like in the mirror and all the judgment for the things that you screwed up in the past, behind all behind that self-judgment and the things that you're looking at yourself and the things you don't like in the mirror and all the judgment for the things that you screwed up in the past, behind all of that self-judgment is the love. And that is the doorway. The doorway to get yourself through to the love is to actually just accept yourself. This is funny. I want to bring you through something, okay? When was the last time that you saw a baby with self-love issues? When was the last time that you saw a baby with self-love issues? When was the last time that you saw a baby with self-love issues that are like, oh yeah, you know,

well, I've got, I do kind of look like the Michelin man with all these fat rolls on my arms and on my legs and everything. Oh, I don't like the way that I cry. I don't like how I have to eat every two hours. When was the last time you saw a baby that had self-love issues? You didn't, right? What does that mean? It means that the issues that we have with ourselves, not loving ourselves, not fully accepting ourselves, are all somehow learned. Somehow along the way, we learned that there was something wrong with us. And with that being wrong with us, it needs to be fixed. It's not accepted. It's not right. So why is it so hard to love ourselves? Honestly, it comes down to probably more than anything else, the way that we've been socialized. Our parents are under pressure to socialize us, to make us fit in. Because a child does not fit in with social constructs. Have you ever seen a child?

They do not fit in with social constructs. They don't care about wearing clothes. They don't care how quiet they're supposed to be in a restaurant. They don't care about what anybody thinks about them. They don't care about other people's opinions. A child does not fit in with our social constructs as they truly are. But we have to follow, as adults, we have to fall into these constructs and the way that we're supposed to be and the way that we're supposed to act and the way that we're not supposed to be, the way that we're not supposed to act. And way that we're supposed to act, in the way that we're not supposed to be, the way that we're not supposed to act. And so what happens is a lot of parents don't realize that they're doing this, but a lot of parents will,

and you can think about yourself if you are a parent, but you can also think about your parents as well. A lot of parents will emotionally reward or punish the child based off of how they act. They will reward them. You know, if you're good, you get my love. I'm so excited for you. I love you.

If you're bad, I remove my love. A lot of people listening right now, I'm sure your parents did the best that they could. Every parent is doing the best they can with what they have, no matter how bad they did it, right? Whether they did really well, whether they did really bad, they did the best they could with what they had. But a lot of parents don't realize

that the way that they actually socialize their children is by, when you're good, I give you my love and I love you. But when you're bad, I remove my love and I get mad at you. And then I tell you, you know, and maybe I get quiet or maybe I, you know, send you to your room or maybe I send you to timeout. And I get it. Children are really freaking hard to raise and they're crazy. But you have to understand that the average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. And so the average child is thinking there's something wrong with me because my mom or my dad is reprimanding me eight times more than they're thinking I'm doing things good. And a lot of parents don't realize it, but the way that they reprimand is by removing their love at any

sort of way. And there's no reasoning in this process for a child. The child doesn't understand. All they understand is this. If you break it down to its simplest form, they realize that for a certain way that they're being, and they feel like they're being natural. And most children are in their natural full expression, right? And in that natural full expression, their love is being taken away, which means that it is not acceptable. And they are not acceptable as they truly are. So they're not acceptable as they truly are. So they think to themselves subconsciously, they're not a child that's thinking this consciously. Subconsciously, it's like,

I'm in my full expression. I'm who I truly am. And my mom doesn't love me for this, or my dad doesn't love me for this, or they're taking their love away from me. So there must be something wrong with me the way that I truly am. And so they actually start to change themselves so that they get their parents' love, so that they are reprimanded less, and so that they get more love instead of being reprimanded eight times more than the praise. Maybe it's four times more than the praise. Maybe it's two times. The average child is reprimanded less and so that they get more love instead of being reprimanded eight times more than their praise. Maybe it's four times more than their praise. Maybe it's two times. The average child is reprimanded eight times more than their praise. So they're thinking to themselves subconsciously, I'm not good enough the way I am eight times more than they think

that they're good enough. Just sit and think about that for a second. If you had a parent that raised you, which you all pretty much did, I'm assuming, most parents, I mean, the thing about being a parent is you don't have to go and get your associate's degree in parenting. You don't have to take any course. You don't have to read any book. That's why trauma is just passed on from one to another to another to another because a lot of times parents don't realize the way that they're raising their children is this way.

And so the child learns to themselves and they realize, I have to change myself and I have to let go of certain aspects of myself in order to get my parents' love. Because ultimately, that's all a child cares about. All a child cares about subconsciously is, does my mom love me? Does my dad love me? And if I'm getting reprimanded more than I'm praised, they don't love me in my full expression. So what do I need to do for them in order to get their love? Is this hitting home? Are you starting to see it? If you're a parent, are you starting to notice some of your parenting ways? If you were raised by a parent, are you starting to notice that your parents might've done this as well? And so when it's hard to get self-love, it's hard to get self-acceptance. It's because we've been so used to repressing and getting rid of some of the most natural

parts of ourself. And we've turned ourself into this mold of what our parents and what society thinks and says that we should be, right? And so, you know, the child running around thinks, well, I'm having fun and I'm running around in public and my mom yells at me. Therefore, this aspect of me running around and having fun is wrong. I'm not accepted for who I truly am. And the way I'm acting is not right. So therefore, I must be wrong. It's an important thing to think about. The way I'm acting is not right. And therefore, I must be wrong. Hey, BrandCrowd is a logo tool that can help you

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process that we are not good enough as we are. And we must be a certain way to get our parents' love. Even if it's, you know, even if that certain way isn't me, it's who I have to be. And the result is a feeling of unworthiness because of the socialization. The result is a feeling of, I'm not right who I truly am because of the socialization process. And so your personality, which is crazy, think about this. If this happened to you as a child, over and over and over again, your personality has been built upon repressing who you truly are. And so why is it hard to love yourself? And why is it hard to accept yourself? Because maybe you're not even being your true self. Maybe you're repressing who you truly are because you were raised to think that this is right and this is wrong and this is right and

this is wrong and this is right and this is wrong. You're at over and over and over and over and over again and you repress your true self, right? Somehow I'm bad, and I need to look a certain way so that society sees me a certain way, and I fit in, and that I'm loved, and that I get their validation, right? And this is a funny thing that we don't realize is that as children, the most important thing, once again, is do I have my parents love? Do my parents love me? And we will do what needs to be done in order to feel like our parents love us. We will mold into who they want us to be. And then what's interesting is as we get older, then we're always seeking others' approval. This is why, you know, rejection is so hard for people. This is why other people's opinions is so hard for them. And they think to

themselves, do you love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Not consciously, we're not thinking this, but we're actually thinking in our heads, does this person love me? Does this person love me? Do you love me? Do you love me? Not consciously, we're not thinking this, but we're actually thinking in our heads, does this person love me? Does this person love me? Does this person love me? And we learn from childhood. If I get good grades, my mom loves me. If I get to be number one in the class or number one in basketball, my parents love me. If I beat everybody else, my parents love me. And then you get older and it's like, well, do I look sexy enough for him? Do I look good enough for her? Did I get enough likes on Instagram? Oh my gosh, I didn't get so many likes on this. Maybe I should delete this one. Did a lot of people say and have great comments on my Facebook and the stuff that I put up? If I make more money, then maybe I'll feel

more accepted and people will accept me. And what we're trying to do is we're trying to do and become anything that we can to feel like we're accepted by other people. And so the issue is that we're trying to get our own self-love and self-validation through other people based off of who they think we are as a person and nothing else, right? And we start to think, you know, oh yeah, I need to get people's love through my looks. I need to get people's love through my money, through sex, through cars, through our job title,

through our bodies, through our social media following. And so we think to ourselves, in order to get people's love, I have to do X, Y, Z. In order to get people's love, I have to do X, Y, Z. I have to be this person. I have to do this. I have to act this way. And so instead of starting from a place of of I am just automatically loved no matter what,

very few people are at that place. Anybody can get there, but very few people are there. We start from a baseline of zero. Instead of zero, actually, we start from a baseline of negative. So in order to get to people love me, in order to get to okay, we think about our looks and we think we have to have money. We have to have certain job titles and cars and our bodies and social media. And so we're actually starting from a place of negative versus a place of zero, which is kind of crazy if you think about it. And so what you're doing is you're literally trying to learn how to love yourself by being accepted by other people. When in reality, it's got to be the exact opposite of that. You've got to learn to love yourself. You've got to learn to fully

accept yourself as you are and appreciate yourself just as the way that you are. And then from there, people will start to accept you. It's this crazy catch-22 where you think, I'll finally be good enough when he accepts me, when she accepts me, when I get that job, when I get that amount of money in my bank account, when I get that job title, we think that we'll finally be good enough when we get there. And then you realize when you get there, oh my God, I should have just been telling myself that I was good enough before. And that's all that really matters. So you have to learn to appreciate yourself as you currently are for being short, for being fat, for being skinny, for not having the money that you want yet, for not having the job title, or for not being perfect.

Because you think, oh, I have a short temper. I have negative thoughts that go inside of my head. And you start to think about all of the things that you don't love about yourself versus just accepting yourself as you are, right? Acceptance first, no judgment. Maybe you are a little bit chunky. Maybe you do have some stretch marks. Maybe you do have some love handles. Maybe you do have, you know, not the cutest face. Maybe you do have a little bit too much white in your hair. Maybe you don't have as much hair as you want. Maybe you have too much hair, right? Maybe you have too many negative thoughts. Maybe you have a short temper. Whatever it is, you have to learn to accept first with no judgment. I always say this because it's a

perfect example. We look at ourselves and we see all of our flaws before we see anything else. We see the way that we are. We see our hair. We see our skin. We see the acne. We see the negative thoughts. We see all those things, the negative, quote unquote, negative things about ourselves before we see any of the positive things or before we ever even accept them in the first place. And I said this, you know, in one of the last episodes, which is like, you don't walk into a forest and automatically think to yourself, oh my God, that tree is fat. Oh my God, that tree is too ugly. Oh my God, that tree is, you know, has too many branches. That one doesn't have enough branches. You don't go into a forest and just start to judge trees. You look at trees and you accept them as they are. Well, why can't you just accept yourself as you are? And it's not like immediately

you're just going to flip a switch and you just accept yourself. But it's about noticing when you are judging yourself too much, when you are bringing up all of those things that you don't love about yourself, or you're not accepting yourself as you truly are, and then realizing, oh, I'm doing it again. Because we judge ourself and we judge others for better or for worse, whatever it is, and we do it out of our own insecurities. We live in a state of judgment. We're judging ourselves, we're judging others. Instead of just allowing yourself to be a human, being a human means being in all of your imperfection. You will never be perfect. There is no destination that you're supposed to get to.

There's no like perfect destination of like, hey, I'll get there one day. I was running a Zoom call with like 100 people yesterday. And one of the guys said, you know, I just, I keep thinking to myself, I keep screwing up. And one day I just want to be there. And I was like, dude, you'll never be there. There is no there to get.

There is no destination that we're working towards. It is how can we enjoy the journey more? Flawed in all, negative thoughts in all, whatever it is that you're not accepting about yourself, how can you learn to accept yourself? Not by achieving, not by buying, not by makeup. How can you just accept yourself as you truly are? You know, your inner child,

you when you were a child was not looking at yourself and thinking about all the things that you're not accepting in yourself right now. You know, rediscover your inner child, you and you were a child who was not looking at yourself and thinking about all the things that you're not accepting in yourself right now. You know, rediscover your inner child. Rediscover yourself. What do you love? What do you love? What did you love as a kid?

Like, did you love Saturday morning cartoons? When was the last time that you watched Saturday morning cartoons? Can you just go back to what it is that you used to love and focus on doing those things as much as you could? Did you love dancing as a kid? When was the last time that you danced? Did you love painting as a kid? When was the last time that you painted? Did you love going out into the yard and throwing football? When was the last time you went with your friends to the park and just threw the football and hung out and talked?

Right? Can you rediscover what you loved before? Before you were told who you were supposed to be, before you were told what was right, before you were told what was wrong, before you were not accepted for being who you truly are. Because if you want to learn how to accept yourself, you've got to go back to accepting yourself. There's nothing that you need to do. There's nothing that you need to prove. There's no amount of money that you need to make. There's no way that you need to look.

There's no things that you need to buy. You need to learn to love yourself and accept yourself as you truly are, nothing else needed. Because at that point in time, you start to realize, oh, it's easy to love myself when I'm being my true self. It's hard to love myself when I'm trying to be something else that I'm for somebody else that I'm not truly that type of person, right?

So realizing that the self-love that you want comes through the self-acceptance. And the self-acceptance can come to you right now. In this moment, there is nothing else that you need to do. But you have to decide to accept yourself in this moment without anything else needing to happen. There is no one else that can love you except for you loving yourself.

There's no one else that can accept you except for you loving yourself. There's no one else that can give you more self-love. There's no one else to give you more self-acceptance. You are the one that has to decide to do it. And you can do that right now in this moment. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories right now and tag me in it. The only way that we grow is from you guys sharing this with other people, sharing it on your Instagram stories, sharing it

everywhere that you are. We organically grow from doing that. We've never had any big company behind us pushing us and getting our name out there or anything like that. It's literally just been me, a microphone, and a couple cameras, and you guys sharing it. So if you would share this, I would greatly, greatly appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. And once again, when you do, tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.