The Mindset Mentor - Things You NEED To Know About Self Love

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you want some more from us outside of just the podcast, go to MindsetMentor.com. Check out what we got there. Once again, MindsetMentor.com. Check out what we got there. Once again, MindsetMentor.com. Today, we're going to be talking about self-love and the misunderstood concept of self-love. And when we're out there and we hear the word self-love, kind of the way that we're trained to think of it is we might think of

Starting point is 00:00:37 like saying feel-good affirmations to ourself or maybe getting ourself a little snack on the way home because we're proud of something that we did or giving ourself like an emotional pat on the back. And all of those are good. Those might be a piece of self-love, but I think there's a much deeper meaning to self-love that most people don't really even know of. And I think that real, true self-love is about doing what needs to be done, what you need to do to create real and lasting growth and strength within yourself and your life. Not just having a glass of wine or eating some ice cream or going and getting a massage. All of those are fine and those can be self-love, but I think there's a much, much deeper form

Starting point is 00:01:21 of self-love that we need to talk about. And when most people hear the term self-love, they think about like showering yourself with endless praise and saying, you know, I need to tell myself I love myself more. Or, you know what, I should stop saying that I don't look good in those jeans and I should start saying I do look good in those jeans. Or, I'm going to tell myself I'm an amazing mother every single morning. I'm going to tell myself I'm doing a great job. I'm going to tell myself I'm proud of myself. And I do 100% believe in the power of positive self-talk. And I do believe in affirmation.

Starting point is 00:01:53 I do believe that you should be proud of yourself. And I do believe that you should talk yourself up and be your own best friend and your own biggest fan. But I don't think that's the deepest meaning of self-love. Self-love involves facing uncomfortable truths and making tough decisions in your life for your long-term well-being. Now, how often do you hear that?

Starting point is 00:02:13 I've never really heard anybody else say that, right? A big misconception is that self-love is self-indulgence. It's not just about rewarding yourself with a glass of wine after a stressful day and it's like, oh, I had such a stressful day. I deserve a glass of wine. That's not just about rewarding yourself with a glass of wine after a stressful day and it's like, oh, I had such a stressful day. I deserve a glass of wine. That's not self-love. It's not about deciding, oh man, I'm just so hungry. I'm about to be hangry. I'm going to just pull over and get some fast food. That's not self-love. It's not skipping the gym when it was in your plan because you've been working so hard lately. That's not self-love.

Starting point is 00:02:47 It's definitely not reaching for a cigarette to deal with a tough moment, right? All of these might feel good in the moment, but they're not helping you at all in your long-term in your life. And if it's hurting you in the long term, how could that possibly be love? You know, if you look at various psychology studies, one of them was done in 2003 by Gross and John, and they showed that avoiding long-term emotions by indulging activities that numb discomfort, like drinking or overeating or smoking, only delays your emotional processing. And so these behaviors can lead to increased stress and emotional challenge in the long run. So if you have behaviors that we can all say that society has told us are self-love, having a glass of wine,

Starting point is 00:03:39 or eating something big after a tough day or whatever, you know, skipping the gym, those behaviors lead to increased stress and emotional challenges in the long run. It's been proven. So does that sound like self-love to you? I don't think that that's self-love. You know, if you take, for instance, a glass of wine after a long day, I am not against a glass of wine. I think wine is amazing. And if it's used correctly, I think that it's great. But let's say you had a long day. Let's say that maybe your boss triggered you. Maybe one of your coworkers was acting out of pocket and you're like, I'm just fucking stressed from today. We've all been there before. And you're like, man, I just need to really unwind.

Starting point is 00:04:21 And so what do we do? Go for the easy thing and the easiest thing and the quickest quote-unquote fix to make us feel better can be a glass of wine but what's that really doing? Is that helping you in the long run? No, it's numbing you. It's numbing your feelings and there's a key point here. Most adults were never taught to self-soothe. When you look at a child, when you look at a baby, they naturally self-soothe. They naturally look at a child, when you look at a baby, they naturally self-soothe. They naturally reach for their thumb to suck their thumb. As adults, we don't know how to self-soothe. We were never taught. I have an episode, you can go back and listen to it on how to self-soothe. But what we do in turn is we turn towards external substances like wine or

Starting point is 00:04:58 junk food or cigarettes or whatever it might be so that we can self-soothe and go from a heightened state to a calmer state. And these are just quick fixes that are just easy or might feel sexy to have a glass of wine, but they don't solve the underlying issue here. When you get done, when that wine wears off, when that cigarette wears off, whatever it might be, you're still in the same mental place tomorrow as you were today. And so this pattern in psychology is actually called emotional avoidance, in which many studies have shown that emotional avoidance leads to long-term dissatisfaction and increased anxiety with life. And so the avoidance of difficult emotions does not help you grow. It's just trying to numb so that you don't feel and pay attention to those.

Starting point is 00:05:46 So instead, what happens is people remain stuck and in the exact same mental cycles, and they're no better than they were before. And so I'm not saying, you know, if you want to have a glass of wine, I don't care. If you want to eat some certain food, I don't care. If you want to have a cigarette, I don't care. But I do want you to start thinking about like, is this actually serving me? Like, is this making me better or what would serve you better? You know, how about, how about when you have that emotional, just like I need a glass of wine and there's, there's stress in the body. How about actually going for a run to release that pent up energy? Wouldn't that be better for you? If you think about it, You know, there was a

Starting point is 00:06:25 study that was done in 2000, I'm sorry, in 1994 by Thayer, Newman, and McLean. And they found that physical activity like going for a run, going for a walk, lifting weights was one of the most effective ways to regulate your mood and reduce your feelings of stress and tension, not by having a glass of wine. So you could go for a run. You could spend 20 minutes meditating, listen to a guiding meditation so that you can center yourself and so that you can get yourself. So instead of using an external substance to get yourself to your calm, cool, collected state, you do it within your own self, which then makes you better at the more that you do it. You know, in studies have proven that mindfulness and meditation improves emotional regulation,

Starting point is 00:07:05 which leads to greater self-awareness and better relationships. So which one's more of self-love? Having the glass of wine or going for the run? Having a cigarette or doing a meditation? Even if you want to just journal through your thoughts so that you can understand your triggers and understand yourself a little bit better, so that you can process the world and process your emotions a little bit better. I understand that none of these sound sexy.

Starting point is 00:07:26 I understand that nobody listening is like, ooh, meditation, that's a sexy thing. No, they're harder. They are. But they lead to more growth and they lead to true healing, which is what we're trying to do. When someone is injured that you love, you try to help them heal. Why not do exactly the same thing for

Starting point is 00:07:46 you? And we will be right back. And now back to the show. And so when you look at self-love, like at its core, yes, self-love is about how you treat yourself and how you speak to yourself. And of course, that means being kind to yourself, showing compassion, practicing, you know, being gentle with yourself, paying attention to what you're saying to yourself being kind to yourself, showing compassion, practicing, you know, being gentle with yourself, paying attention to what you're saying to yourself and speaking to yourself in a kinder way. But many people overlook that self-love means working through the practice of tough love as well. And, you know, think about if one of your best friends like was going through something. Let's say that they're going down the wrong path. If your best friend was going down the wrong path, wouldn't you call them out?

Starting point is 00:08:29 Like, wouldn't you hold them accountable because you love them and you want what's best for them? That's what tough love is. And sometimes we need to give tough love to ourselves, not be an asshole, but like, Hey, sitting down your friend, I love you. I know that you told me you want to work on this. You're not doing this thing that you told me you want to work on this. You're not doing this thing that you told me you want to do. I really think you should get serious about it. That's how you should speak to yourself. And sometimes it's about doing what you know you should do, even when you don't want to do it. And the way I like to think of it is it's kind of like the tough uncle energy, right? If you have like that tough uncle, or it might be a grandfather, it might be a grandmother, but that one person who you know loves you to pieces, but they're going to call you out on all your shit, right? It's like

Starting point is 00:09:14 that tough uncle who doesn't put up with your nonsense. He's not going to let you make excuses. He's going to call you out when he knows you're slipping, but you would never question his intentions. Why? Because you know that deep down he loves you like crazy and he only wants the best for you. Maybe he says it in the wrong way, but you know what he means when he says it. And so self-love, you know, most people say, oh, self-love is getting massage and self-love is going and getting your hair done and self-love is getting your nails done and self-love is having a glass of wine and self-love is eating a pizza on the weekend. Sure, if that's what you want to see it as, you can, but you also have to understand it's also going to the gym when you don't feel like it because you promised yourself that you would.

Starting point is 00:09:56 It's also waking up early to establish a morning routine that fills your cup before you dive into the day and have to start taking care of the kids and taking care of people at work. that fills your cup before you dive into the day and have to start taking care of the kids and taking care of people at work. It's also stuff like reading a book instead of mindlessly scrolling for hours on your phone because that's doing nothing for you. It's also meditating after a stressful day instead of going for a beer. It's also saying no to ice cream because it doesn't align with your long-term goals of trying to gain muscle or trying to lose fat. It's also turning down a night with friends so that you can prepare and study for a test that you have coming up tomorrow. And this is the key point that I want you to

Starting point is 00:10:36 understand here. Self-love is not about indulging in the easy things that offer this fleeting comfort. It's about having the discipline to do the things that make you better. It's about growth, even when it means facing discomfort. In fact, usually most of the growth is going to face discomfort. And that's what it comes down to. All too often, I see so many people that just let themselves off the hook. I do understand that

Starting point is 00:11:07 there are times where, yeah, you've had a long day. You didn't get enough sleep. You're not going to be able to go to the gym, but you don't skip the gym day. Maybe figure out where else to fit in your schedule. Why? Because you fucking said you were going to do it. And you have to understand that every single moment, there's always one person that's watching you in every single thing that you do. And it's you. And if you say, oh, I'm going to do it and you don't do it and I'm going to do it and you don't do it and you're going to do it and you don't do it, you start to lose confidence within yourself. And I think that it is so underappreciated or underestimated by people how much you need to prove to yourself that you're going to do what you say you're going to do. Because after a while, when you've been doing it for 5,

Starting point is 00:11:50 10, 20 years of saying, oh, I'm going to do this thing, and then you don't do it, I'm going to build this business, and I don't do it, I'm going to work out, and then you don't do it, I'm going to go to a conference and work on myself, and you don't do it, you just lose confidence in yourself completely. And so I know there's a lot of people out there that you have pretty much broken trust with yourself over years and years and years. It's time to start rebuilding that trust, rebuilding that relationship of like,

Starting point is 00:12:14 hey, I know I haven't shown up for you. 17 years since the last time I really showed up for you. But it's a new day. I'm gonna start taking care of you. I'm gonna start doing what I know I need to do. It's gonna be tough. It's okay to talk taking care of you. I'm going to start doing what I know I need to do. It's going to be tough. It's okay to talk to yourself. As long as no one else is around, no one else can judge you.

Starting point is 00:12:31 But talk to yourself out loud. Talk to yourself about what it is that you're going to do. Because not only are you saying it, but you're also hearing it. And so discipline is self-love. Discipline might be the highest form of self-love. They go hand in hand. If you think about it, nobody ever needs discipline to do the things that are easy. Like nobody needs discipline for, and if you think like, think about the word discipline, the word discipline automatically,

Starting point is 00:12:56 like in my head already has a bad connotation. Like when a child does something bad, you're supposed to quote unquote discipline them. A dog does something bad, you're supposed to, quote unquote, discipline them. A dog does something bad, you're supposed to discipline them. Discipline, though, nobody needs discipline to eat ice cream. That's the easiest thing to do in the world. Nobody needs discipline to sleep in. Nobody needs discipline to drink a glass of wine. Those things are just easy. Easy, they're pleasurable, all of that.

Starting point is 00:13:27 But what are the types of things that you do need discipline for? Well, you need discipline to do what you said you were going to do, to hold yourself to the promises that you made for yourself. It's about pushing yourself to evolve even when it's uncomfortable. It's about knowing that tomorrow you'll be grateful for what you did today. It's about saying, you know what, I told myself I was going to wake up early. I need to have the self-discipline to get my ass out of bed and to not hit the snooze. I told myself that I was going to go to the gym. And even though it's been a long day, I'm still going to go to the gym and show up for myself. What you need discipline for, if you really, really think about it, are the things that are hard, but good for you. And if something is good for you in doing it for yourself, wouldn't

Starting point is 00:14:12 that be the highest form of self-love? So you have to understand true is like the truest, deepest form of self-love. Yes, definitely talk positively to yourself. Please pay attention to thoughts that are going on in your head. Do affirmations. Speak well to yourself. You can have a glass of wine. I don't care about that, but true self-love, like at its deepest core, is the journey of self-discipline, of doing what you know you need to do, even though most of the time you don't feel like doing it. And going, well, if I take this action, what is my future self going to benefit? Is my future self going to benefit from this? If I eat this ice cream, is my future self going to benefit from it?

Starting point is 00:14:51 If I sleep in, is my future self going to benefit from it? If I work out, is my future self going to benefit from it? If I read this book, is my future self going to benefit from it? Will you sometimes benefit from sleeping in? Sure, I'm not going to say that you won't. If you need sleep, sometimes you do need to get to sleep. I'm okay with that. Is your future self gonna benefit from eating ice cream?

Starting point is 00:15:10 Sure, if it's your cheat meal and your cheat day, yeah, you could definitely do it. So there's times when everything fits, but the truest form of self-love is self-discipline. And when you really start to understand this, you realize that if you want to love yourself more, what you need to do is show up for yourself more. If you think about the one friend that you know loves you more than any other friend that you have, you know that they would be there for you in an instant, no matter what

Starting point is 00:15:37 was happening. What's the difference between the relationship between you and them and your relationship between you and you? Show up for yourself. Do what you and you. Show up for yourself, do what you say you're going to do, take the action, build your confidence, and that is how you get the highest form of self-love and also how you improve, how you become better, and how you create the life that you want. So that's what I got for you for this episode of the Minds of Mentor podcast. If you love this, please do me a huge favor. Share it on your Instagram stories. Tag me at RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. Also, if you love this podcast, please do me a favor.

Starting point is 00:16:09 Give us a rating and review, however you listen to us, whatever platform it might be, Apple Podcasts, Spotify. And the reason why is because the more positive ratings and reviews that we get, the more that those platforms actually show this podcast to people who've never listened to it before. So if you would pay it forward, please do me a massive favor. Give us a rating review. It only helps the show grow. It only helps us impact more people's lives. With that, I'm going to leave the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make somebody else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Things You NEED To Know About Self Love

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