The Mindset Mentor - Weapons of Control - Fear, Shame & Guilt

Episode Date: October 23, 2020

In this episode, we will chat about how the news and people around you can use fear, shame and guilt to try to control you every day.Follow me on Instagram for more inspiration --> https://www.instagram.com/robdialjr/ Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor podcast. I am your host Rob Dial and if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you don't follow me on Instagram yet and you want some extra inspiration, go ahead and follow me on Instagram, Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R, so I can fill your Instagram news feed with inspirational content. Today, I'm going to be talking about something exciting. I'm going to talk about how shame, guilt, and fear are used as a weapon to control you. And I'm going to talk about how it's used to control you, but also how you may unintentionally use it to control other people as well.

And to join me today, I have my best friend, Dean DeVries, to talk about this very special shame, guilt, and fear. So thank you for being here. Thanks brother for having me. It's great to be here. We're in the lovely Sedona and there's a lot that's happening in the world right now. There is. We have an election coming up, which I don't really talk about. We have COVID that's here. I don't really talk about it. And there's a lot of shame, guilt, and fear that's being used right now to try to control people. And you and I, we're not going to give our stance on anything. We're not going to give our stance on the election. We're not going to give our stance on COVID. That's not our, no one gives a shit about our opinions. So we're not going to give it.

What we are going to do is look at it objectively and talk about how the news and media and everybody else is, are using these three things, whether they know it or not to try to control people. Yeah. I think that's like the biggest part of this is just building the awareness. Because if somebody, like we say, we talk about it all the time, if we could give everybody one superpower, it'd be awareness. For sure. Right? So self-awareness, awareness of how our actions create consequences, how everything that we do somehow affects the environment around us and

the environment all over the world. So I love this topic and I think it's super meaningful to build some awareness around it. For sure. So, you know, obviously there's the election, there's COVID, but even if you get outside of those things, things that are always around, there's always parents shaming and guilting their children and putting fear into them. There's always people in relationships with other people that are shaming and guilting and fearing them in order to control them. And this is happening all over the place. People do it with their friends. People do it with their parents. Their parents do it with them. Everyone does it with each other. And it's more of like, let's bring the awareness to it. So number one, we can stop shaming, guilting, and throwing

fear into people, but also we can recognize when people are doing it to us and become very aware so that we can talk about it and be like, Hey, listen, I don't really like how you tried to guilt me in to doing this one thing. Right. And so if you think about it, there's going to college. Sometimes children are guilted into going to college and shamed if you don't go to college or how much fear they put into them of, if you don't go to college, you're never going to get a good job. You're never going to, you know, you're going to be poor your entire life and they can throw fear into somebody. You know, there's professions of who you should be. There's a lot of people that I know whose parents said, Hey, you're either a doctor or a lawyer or a failure. And that's it. And they, they throw the fear into them that

they're going to be a failure. And then if they don't go to school for what they want them to, they shame them, they guilt them until they tried to get them to be fully controlled by everything that they have so um you know and this idea came up because i was taking a drive with uh yesterday we were driving um to go to home depot to pick up lights for this event that we're throwing here in sedona and chris my videographer and i were talking about people that we know and how a lot of their parents use fear to control them and how, you know, they use that fear to make them do what they want them to do. And a lot of times they don't do it on purpose, but they do it because that's just all they've

ever known. And it's because of their own fears. Oftentimes they're not trying to be malicious. Like I want to control, you know, my son or daughter to do something in their mind. They're thinking they're doing them a solid, like, Hey, I'm taking you out of harm's way when really that's just the manifestation of their own fears. And the best way to communicate that is to instill that same fear within them. Exactly. And to get you, cause I'm so afraid of what could possibly happen to you. I want to scare the shit out of you so that nothing happens to you. And a lot of people,

whether they realize it or not with, you know, their parents do this to them. They do this to people that they love, people that they're in relationships with. They do it to their children as well. So for people out there that have children is a lot of people will disguise their fear as love. I love you so much that I want to make sure that you stay safe. No, you're trying to keep this person in the nest

because they're jumping out of the nest makes you uncomfortable. Right. Right. How often does that happen? How many people listening have a parent or a friend or someone in their family or someone that they love that tries to, tries to say, no, no, no, I'm checking on you. I have to text you every single day because I love you so much. No, you have to text me every day because you're fucking terrified. Think about that. Let that one sit in for a little while. If you're needing to check up on me because you're so worried that there might be something wrong with me,

you won't even let me be my full, autonomous, sovereign being that I am. And if you don't let me spread my wings and fly, they're going to be weak. And I'll never know how to be fully sovereign being. Yeah. And that's the thing is that you never see somebody that's like woke, right? Or somebody that is like really in their authenticity or somebody that is free and just like really authentic in their expression. That's usually the type of person that wants to, wants to have other people experience that as well. So, I mean, I feel like we've said it a few times already,

but like the way that people treat others, especially when it comes to shaming somebody, guilting somebody into something, using fear to manipulate, control them, it's because they're not free. They are being controlled by that very same thing. And that's just their normal. That's the life that they're living. That's their experience. And they're just projecting that. Right. Yeah. And so if we

talk about a couple of things, once again, let's come at it from a completely just objective standpoint. We have no opinions in these matters. If we look at the election that's happening right now, how much, just everybody think about this for a second that's listening, how much fear, guilt, and shame do you see out there that people are using to try to get you to believe what they believe, right? Fear. If you don't vote for this person, your life is going to be really screwed up. You're going to lose all of your money or you're going to lose all of your freedom or you're going to lose your sense of self or the economy is going to go down or the environment's going to go down. How many different areas do you see fear mongering to try to control you to do what

they want you to do? Think about that for a second. Yeah. And in spirit of awareness, like an easy way to just tell, like, is this a manipulation tactic is when you hear that, does it make you feel good? Right. Who has ever watched a commercial? The I, you know, I'm whoever, whoever, and I approve this message. We're after you're like, man, I feel really good after watching that. Yeah. I'm very hopeful. I'm very hopeful for the future. Right? Never.

It's always this person does this. This person does this. And if you don't vote for me, this person is going to ruin your life. Yeah. Right. It's going to ruin your life. It's fear. It's all fear that's in them.

Now, let's talk about it from another standpoint of how guilt and shame are using those exact same things for the election as well. How do you use guilt and shame are using those exact same things for the election as well. How do you use guilt and shame? Other, I mean, if you literally scroll through Facebook, you can see guilt and shame everywhere. Yeah. Oh, you're putting this post up. Right. Oh my God. You're a disgusting human. Yeah. Oh yeah. Do you not care about this? Do you not care about that? Do you not care about this? Do you not care about that? How dare you talk about that? How dare you feel that way? How dare you have a different opinion than I have? I can't even deal with your opinion that doesn't even match up with mine. That causes so much cognitive dissonance that my world is shooken up that I need to get mad at you because you don't see the world the same way that I do.

How about this one? There's two examples here. How dare you talk about that? Example one. Example two. How dare you not talk about that? Example one, example two, how dare you not talk about that? Right. You know, I mean, that's like, wow. Uh, what is the objective here? It's to, you know, is to bring in shame and guilt of like, you know, don't go there. Right. And then there's a shame and guilt of why

won't you go there? Right. Oh, you don't see the same world the way that I do. I'm going to try to guilt and shame you into thinking the same way that I do. Yeah. Right. So you have the election side of it, which there's that whole thing that's going on. Then we have the whole COVID side of it where it's like fear. Okay. Let's dive into the fear of it.

There's a lot of fear that's out there, right? Death. If you want to scare people, talk about death. If you want to really control people, talk about how they might die. Yeah. Right. There's a whole lot of fear that's out there, right? Then there's the guilt and the shame side of it as well. Oh, you are wearing a mask or you're not wearing a mask. If you wear a mask, this could happen. If you don't wear a mask, this could happen. How dare you have your opinions of what is right and what is wrong when we're all just trying to figure out what the hell is going on because we've never lived through anything like

this before. Yeah. And again, I mean, you know, we don't take a position on this, but like one thing we do take a position on is how we treat each other, how we respect each other, how we, you know, honor each other's perspectives and opinions and how we started this off was, you know, the goal of this isn't to change anybody's opinions because we love and appreciate you as a human so much that we respect your opinion. And we know that we're not going to change your opinion. And we also know that you're not going to change our opinion, but what we can be intentional about is honoring each other in that. Yeah. One thing that I would challenge people to do more often instead of going into a debate,

whether that's in person or online or any of that is to actually sit there and listen to somebody else's perspective and go, Hmm, I've never thought of it that way. Yeah. And see if you can not be offended. See if you can not get pissed off at someone. See if you can look at it and go, okay, this person like Dean, you've had a completely different life than I have. I've had a completely different life than you have. You have different beliefs than I do. I have different beliefs than you do. Chris, our videographers over here, she has a completely different life than you have. You have different beliefs than I do. I have different beliefs than you do. Chris, our videographer is over here. She has a completely different view of life than we do. You know, she was raised in a different country. She's a woman, right? She's from Puerto Rico. We're from America. We're both males. We all have completely different views of the world, different things that have happened to us. Why don't I just look at your

view with love and compassion and go, yeah, I guess I kind of do see why you could view the world the way that you do. Yeah. Okay. I don't, I don't, I don't think the same way that you do. And I actually don't support it in any sort of way, but I can still love you through it. Can't I? Right. And isn't that the most important thing versus me trying to control you and trying to change your mind on whatever it is that you're thinking about. Yeah. A hundred percent. And so you have, you're thinking about. Yeah, 100%. And so you have, you know, those two things, the election and COVID. Let's go a little bit deeper.

Let's go talk about things that will be around forever. Like we're talking about college, we're talking about profession, we're talking about, you know, how many people have been guilted or shamed for not having kids yet? How many people listening to this have tried to guilt or shame their kids into having their children so they can have grandkids, right? How many people have gone, yeah, you might want to hurry up because you might need to freeze your eggs or because there is a biological

clock. How many people out there have heard that from someone that they know and someone that they love? That's someone that's trying to control you in some sort of way. Now here, just let me take a step back before we dive deeper into it. Most of the time, someone's not doing this maliciously. They're doing it unconsciously, right? They're doing it from their own state of fear. If somebody says, hey, you should be having children by now because I want grandkids. It's that they fear that they'll never be able to meet their grandkids, which, okay, I understand the fear, but it doesn't mean that someone should change their life trajectory to meet your needs or what you want to have happen.

their life trajectory to meet your needs or what you want to have happen. The Mindset Mentor is brought to you by Avast. Avast is a global leader in cybersecurity trusted by over 435 million users. You can shop, work, and browse confidently on all of your devices. And since the beginning of 2020, we've seen an increase of 20% in ransomware and scams like phishing. Avast premium security protects against all online threats, including viruses, spoofed websites, and ransomware. And Avast secure line VPN encrypts your internet connection, no matter what wifi you're connected to, giving you true online privacy. And Avast secure browser lets you browse the web safely and privately and up to four times faster with features like ad block and bank mode. So don't worry about viruses anymore or phishing attacks or ransomware or hacking attempts and cybercrime

in general, because Avast products are there to protect you. Learn more about Avast privacy and security at performance at avast.com. A-V-A-S-T.com. Yeah, the thing that's kind of shining through for me right now is like the objective of this is to build an awareness of how these forces of fear guilt and shame are manipulating or trying to manipulate manipulate you into being somebody that you're not and the the true message here is be who you are because that's who you are who you you are, not who somebody told you to be or, um, you know, do, do the things that you want to do that you feel inspired by and passionate about because that's what resonates with you and your heart. Yeah, for sure. And okay. So now we've

talked about how people actually, one thing I want to add. So, um, you know, in our household, we talk about, you know, there's really two motivations, right? There's you're either motivated by fear or you're made motivated by love. Right. And so we have this saying in our household that, um, we don't work for fear. You know, we can either make a decision from one of those two places. It's either out of love or out of fear. And usually when we make the decision out of love, it always guides us to our highest potential and our highest possibility and our highest, you know, uh, state of joy. And, um, when we make the decision out of fear, usually we're fearful going into it and it usually isn't the outcome. We're going to look back on that decision and be like, man, I should have listened to my heart or I should have listened to my gut.

And so, you know, the, the thing that's shining through here is like fear is a motivator. And we have to realize that. And when we can realize that, we can build an awareness of how we are being motivated, whether we're motivating ourself with our own fears or other people are trying to motivate us into certain actions or into certain ways of being because of their fears projecting projected onto us. For sure. So we have fear, we have guilt,

we have shame and how they're used on you. Right. And to be aware of that. Now let's go ahead and flip it. Cause most people aren't thinking about this. Think about how often you use fear, guilt and shame on other people to control them. Right.

Based off of your fears, right? How often do people go into a relationship with someone and when something happens, they retract love from them because they want to control them. They don't want them to do that thing that didn't make them happy. So they try to put the fear of my love is leaving and it's not going to be around anymore or guilt and shame you into actually knowing that, Hey, you know what? This whole thing that's going on, I'm going to guilt and shame you so that you can change the way that I want you to be, not the way that you truly are. Yeah. How about this pattern? I've definitely lived this. I, I haven't received a call from you all day. Therefore I will not pick up your call. Right. Right. So it's like, I'm going to

punish you with the thing that I've been punished by. Even if you didn't think you were punishing me, you could have totally been busy, but I'm going to just receive it in this way because I am so fearful of you not loving me. hopefully waking up to the fact that, oh my God, I do use this in relationships. I use this with my parents. I use this with my spouse and a lot of people out there listening to have children. How many people out there are using this on your children for them to be the way that you want them to? How many of you are instilling fear into your children because of your own fears that were given to you? Like, and we were, we were on a, uh, we have a, uh, on a mastermind call today. We ran a mastermind, you and I did our Kaizen mastermind. And one of the things that we were talking about is how it can go through literally generation to generation, generation, right. And you know, someone's great grandmother can be very fearful and then their grandmother is very fearful. And then their mother is very fearful and now they're very fearful. And now

they're noticing they're passing their fear onto their children so as much as certain things that can be hereditary you can pass on to your children through your genes you can pass fear on to your children in your genes you could pass guilt and shame onto your phone energies in your children outside of your genes and then what happens your children go oh this is the way because i'm taught to love from my parents oh this is how i'm supposed, cause I'm taught to love from my parents. Oh, this is how I'm supposed to love. I'm supposed to love this other person through guilt, shame, and fear and try to control them in every aspect that I possibly can. Yeah. Yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. The, um, you know, as I, uh, I mean, if you just take a step back and look at everything in our human experience

between, uh, the people that we interact with, just the way that things are like everything kind of responds the same way. And like one of the basic laws of this universe is that energy is neither created nor destroyed. It's just transferred. Right. So when we are speaking something or when we're, you know, uh, emitting some sort of energy and, and we're acting a certain way or acting out on a certain emotion, that's energy that we're putting outward. And if we are the recipients of that, we unconsciously

absorb all that. And so to learn, it's like the nature versus nurture, right? So there's like predispositions and we're not doctors or anything. So it's not like we're like trying to school you on genealogy if you're listening to this, but like, you know, there, there is that, that case of, um, nature versus nurture. And the nurturing side is like, what, what are the experiences that shape who, who you are, what you believe in, how you, you know, ultimately how you manifest. And sometimes that can get, can turn into you manifesting through manipulation using guilt, fear, and shame. And most of my podcast episodes are like, here's the solution to everything. There's no real solution except for self-awareness. To notice when you are trying to be manipulated, when someone is trying to manipulate you through

fear, guilt, and shame, right? Notice when you are trying to manipulate somebody else through fear, guilt, and shame. Because here's the one thing that I do know is that you are your own being and it's really, really hard to control somebody else. Do you want to know how hard it is to control somebody else? Think about how hard it is to control your freaking self, right? And people are trying in order to change yourself. And now you're trying to change somebody else and you can't even make yourself wake up earlier like you want to, whatever it is that's going on. And so think about how, how hard it is to change yourself and how hard it is to, to change everything that you do and then go, Oh my God,

if I can't even change myself, how hard is it going to be to try to change somebody else and to be self aware as, as I say, over and over and over again, just, you know, you can't read the label unless you take yourself out of the jar, take yourself out of the jar of your life and go, Oh my God, I am trying to control my children through fear. I am trying to manipulate my children to do what I want them to do versus what their life truly should be through guilt and shame and be aware of it.

Yeah. That's all that there really is to it. You know, you don't have to believe what someone else believes. It's completely okay to have your own beliefs and you don't have to feel guilty for not having the same belief as somebody else. And you don't have to shame somebody else for not having the same beliefs as you don't have to feel guilty for not having the same belief as somebody else. And you don't have to shame somebody else for not having the same beliefs as you. And you definitely don't have to put fear into everything and try to instill people and fear into everyone

that you know, because as you just said, you're either in loving in love or you're in fear. And I'm going to ask the question, everybody that's out there listening, do you want to be more in love or do you want to be more in fear? And then I'm going to ask you a question. Do you want to be more in love or do you want to be more in fear? And then I'm going to ask you a question. Do you want everyone around you to be more in the state of love or the state of fear? Because every action that you take is going to dictate how they're going to feel, especially if they're your children or someone that you're in relationship with, that you're spending a lot of time with. So just allow people to exist, allow people to be who they are. You know, someone's opinions might not be the same as yours. And I'm going to tell you what, if you try to force your opinions onto

them, they're going to resist it way more. So if you're actually trying to change someone's mind, shut up and just be the best version of you. And then they might go, oh yeah, there are some, you know, that person's really inspiring me the way that they live. Maybe I should start looking at some of the things that I've been doing lately. Maybe I should start paying attention. Maybe, you know what? They've been doing a lot of work on themselves. Maybe I should start doing more work on myself. My view of the world is not the same as someone else's view on the world, right? White guy raised in America. Not going to be the same as a lot of other people's, but other people's aren't going to be the same as mine. But it doesn't mean that I should guilt

them. They should guilt me. I should shame them. They should shame me. I should put fear into them or they should put fear into me. How about we just look at each other and go, we're different. I'm still love you. I could still love you, which is all that matters. So be aware, everybody. That's what we have for you. Be aware of when you are guilting and shaming people and putting fear into them and be aware when someone's trying to manipulate you through the same, because you don't have to do what other people tell you to do. You don't have to be that way. And as long as you're not injuring anybody or harming people based off of your actions and you're trying to improve and trying to get better in your life, you're doing your best. And that's what I think.

Awesome. So if you love this episode, just so you guys know, we have a special announcement. Dean and I actually have our own podcast that's going to be coming out very soon. It's going to be specifically around business and the mindset around business. We're not going to tell you the name of it until we actually launch it, but it's going to be coming out in the next month. And we're going to be doing a weekly podcast. We're going to be talking more about the mindset behind businesses because Dean and I have started and run multiple multi-million dollar businesses. And we're going to talk a little bit more about that. Here, we talk about mindset. We talk about how to treat people, how to

view the world. There, we talk about a little bit more of leadership, sales, all of that stuff. So if you're someone who's in business or someone who gets excited about business or someone who's an entrepreneur or wants to be an entrepreneur, we will be announcing that. Just hold off for us. It'll be coming soon. And I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.