The Mindset Mentor - Why Change Is So Hard

Episode Date: February 13, 2023

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Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. If you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another podcast episode. And if you love this podcast, you want some extra tips and tricks on your mindset, I send out an email every single Monday. You go to mondayemail.com right now. Once again, mondayemail.com. I'll send you some extra tips and tricks to improve your mindset to make your mind better. Today, we're going to be talking about why change is so hard. And I'm also going to take you through how to make it easier on yourself. Because in order for you to create the life that you want, you're going to have to change.

You know that. That's why you're listening to this podcast, but there is no way around it. You have to change in order for your life to change. If you do not change, your life will not change. It will be exactly the same as it is now. And a lot of people I feel like in the world are thinking that their life is going to change, but they don't have to do anything. So they're kind of just waiting for their life to change versus actually going out there and physically making a change. And it's kind of like Einstein says, to do the same thing over and over again, expect

different results is the definition of insanity. And so there is a psychological cycle that you will go through through almost any change that you go through. And that's what we're going to go through today. There's two psychologists, psychologists Don Kelly and Daryl Connor developed a model that deals specifically with the emotional aspects of change and emotionally how you will feel as you're in these different stages that you go through in change. feel as you're in these different stages that you go through in change. And if you can understand this, and number one, every time I teach this, people are like, oh my God, I feel so seen. Like,

I feel like I finally understand myself. So if you can understand what I'm going to teach you, and while you're going through these stages, you can identify where you're at and what stage you're in. It makes it so much easier to continue to push through instead of giving up, which is what we usually end up doing. And so this cycle of change is actually called the emotional cycle of change. And inside of the emotional cycle of change, there are five different stages that you're going to go through. And there's a graph that has to do with it. The easiest way to think of it, for those of you that are just listening to the podcast, is it's kind of like a U. So if you can just imagine a U, I'll take you through all of the different stages of the emotional cycle of change. And you

can use this to understand yourself and to anticipate all of the emotional responses that you will have as you start to go through change. And by understanding each of these stages in detail, you can better prepare yourself and have tools to cope with your changing emotions as you start to go through change. And by understanding each of these stages in detail, you can better prepare yourself and have tools to cope with your changing emotions as you go through it. So if you can imagine, we're at the top left of the emotional cycle of change, the top left of the you. And so when you think of top to bottom, the top is how you're feeling. So at the top, you're feeling optimistic and amazing. At the bottom, you're feeling pessimistic. you're feeling. So at the top, you're feeling optimistic and amazing. At the bottom, you're feeling pessimistic. And so at the top of the U is stage one, which is called uninformed optimism. In this stage, you're really excited about change. And this is why everyone is always so excited

whenever they're starting off on some venture is because they have uninformed optimism. they have uninformed optimism. You're excited about it and you have optimism because you're not really aware of the difficulties that you're going to face ahead. And this is the reason why everyone's so excited whenever they start something new, but eventually they go into the other stages and decide to give up. If you're one of the people who usually starts, like I always hear people say this all the time, I'm really good at starting stuff, but I'm really bad at finishing. You're going to understand as we go through these different stages. But the reason why you're excited at the beginning is because you're in stage one, and that is uninformed optimism. The one thing that you can do here, a tool that can help you as you start to go through these emotional stages, is when you're feeling optimistic and excited,

is to make yourself a list of the benefits that you hope to achieve. Because when it comes, it's going to come back to, you're going to want to give up at some point in time. And it goes back to the quote, which I'll tell you again later on in this episode, which is when you think about quitting, remember why you started. Now that you're at the beginning and you're in that uninformed optimism, make a list of all of the benefits you hope to achieve, all of the reasons why you're excited about taking this journey and making this change so that you have something to remind yourself of later on when things start to get hard. And at this first stage, you're going to be filled with excitement.

You're going to be filled with enthusiasm and you see all of the potential benefits of change. You see how your life is going to be amazing with this change. the potential benefits of change. You see how your life is going to be amazing with this change. But the reason why it's uninformed optimism is because you're looking at all the benefits, but you haven't yet experienced any of the costs of your change. This stage of uninformed optimism, you're just positive. You're just excited. Things are amazing. Things are great. And we're at the top left of the U. And you imagine all of the benefits, but you don't see any of the costs. And everything in life has a cost. Everything has a cost.

For you to decide that you want to delay your health, there's a cost to that later on down the road. And there's a cost to everything, negative and positive, that you have in your life. And so when you're at this stage, you're looking at all of the stuff and the optimism of all of the benefits, but you're not looking at any of the costs. But then you don't stay there very long. The excitement starts to fade. The more that you learn that you're going to have to grow and change, which then brings us to stage two, you're dropping about halfway down the U. And now you're in something called informed

pessimism. You now know what you didn't know before, and with that new knowledge, you're starting to get pessimistic. And as change progresses, negative emotions may start to arise, and eventually, you start to see some of the difficulties that are coming up. And the benefits don't seem as real. And you start to see the costs more than you see the benefits. So you're seeing more of the costs of what you're going to have to do and change and how you're going to have to change, how your life is going to have to change, but you see less of the benefits. And this stage is really characterized by frustration, anxiety, and really is where you start to feel the desire to quit. You start to see the changes.

Humans are uncomfortable with change that we have to make. And you start to think, man, maybe I can't do this. Maybe this isn't what I thought it was going to be. And as all of this reality sets in, the positive emotions that you had before quickly turn to pessimism. And the benefits can seem less real. They seem like maybe they're not even possible. They're not as important as they used to be.

And the costs become really, really apparent. And this is where you will start to question yourself. You'll start to question the benefits. If the benefits that you'll get from success or from whatever it is that you want are worth all of the effort you're going to have to put in. This, you're going to start to question all of the things that you were doing before.

Now, all of this informed pessimism sounds pretty terrible, right? It couldn't possibly get any worse, right? Oh, no, no, no. It does. It gets into my favorite stage, which is the bottom of the U, which is stage three. And you go from uninformed optimism to informed pessimism to stage three, what they call the valley of despair. The good thing about the valley of despair is it is the lowest point of the cycle. And this is a stage where you're going to experience the pain of change and the benefits seem way too far away and they seem unimportant. The easiest thing to do in the valley of despair is quit. And this is what most people do. That's why people are so good at starting and so terrible at finishing is because they get into the valley of despair and then they start again and they get to valley of despair. They give up, they start

again. They give into valley of despair, they give up and they start again. And it's easy to want to quit and return back to your old ways of doing things. The lowest point of the emotional cycle of change is the valley of despair. And this is where you're going to give up or where you have given up in the past and where you're most likely to give up. This is where you're going to feel the pain of the change. And the benefits seem so far away. They seem unimportant. It's just easy to go back to doing what we were doing before. And the problem is this, is if you decide to give up here, you're eventually going to start something new. Whether it's six months or a year, two years,

three years down the road, you're going to start something new. And in that starting something new, you're going to go through the exact same emotional cycle of change. And so you might see something and be like, oh my gosh, that looks so much better. I don't want to do this anymore. But whatever you start the next time, you're going to go through the exact same process. This is the reason why the grass looks greener on the other side is because when you're in the valley of despair, when you're deep in the valley of despair and you're looking at something else, you get shiny object syndrome. You're looking at a patch of grass that's so green in your mind of uninformed optimism back at stage one.

The problem is if you quit at stage three, you're going to have to start at stage one at something else. And you're going to go from stage one to stage two to stage three. You're going to eventually end up in the valley of despair with anything new that you start. So if you decide that you want to give up because it seems too hard and something else seems easier, the reason why that thing seems easier is because you're coming at it with uninformed optimism. You're coming at it looking from stage three of where you currently are to stage one of something else. You will eventually go through stage two and stage three

of that new thing. It's so much easier to give up. It always is easier to give up. But if you give up, you're going to have to go back to stage one of whatever the new thing is. For most of us, learning a second language in high school or college wasn't exactly a high point for our academic careers. For me, I took Spanish and I probably remember like 25% of what I did back then. And now, thanks to Babbel, the language learning app that sold more than 10 million subscriptions, there's an addictively fun and easy way to learn a new language. Whether you'll be traveling abroad, connecting in a deeper way with family, or you just have some free time, Babbel teaches bite-sized language lessons that you'll actually use in the

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Plus, it comes with a 20-day money-back guarantee. So start your new language learning journey today with Babbel. Right now, get up to 55% off your subscription when you go to babbel.com slash dial. That's B-A-B-B-E-L.com slash dial for up to 55% off your subscription. Babbel is language for life. When you think about quitting though, remember why you started. This is why in stage one, it's really important to make a list of the reasons why you want to do this. Because when you get to your lowest of lows, you want to look back at that list and say, that's right. That's what I'm doing this for, right? Now, the good thing about the valley of

despair is you're at your lows. You're at the rock bottom of your emotional cycle of change. Now, it starts to look up. We start to go back up the other side of the you, which is stage four, informed optimism. Look at this. At this stage, the possibility of success increases. And this is where you are going to actually see the road that you're on. And you're actually going to become more optimistic. You're going to say, I know what I know. I know what I don't know. I know what I need to do. I'm starting to feel really proficient at what it is that I am doing. And I'm starting to get optimistic at it. And you're starting to like success actually starts to seem a whole lot more possible.

It's like you're getting your legs under yourself. You're getting better at it. You've screwed up a whole lot of things. But you're starting to feel a little bit better at it. And the benefits of the actions that you're taking are now starting to show. You're starting to see the benefits of your actions. And the cost actually starts to seem worth it. Things are starting to seem easier. Doesn't seem as tough as it did before. And now you're starting to see a little bit of the fruits of your labor.

And this is where it's like the, you know, God or the universe or whatever it is that you believe in starts to throw little breadcrumbs at you. Like, Hey man, Hey lady, you're on the right path. Like you're doing well. Hey, here's a little bit of success. You know, you're growing a business. It's like, here's a couple of customers. Here's a little bit, you know, here's a big account for you. And you're actually starting to see the fruits of your labor and you're starting to go, huh, shit, maybe I can do this. There is light that is at the end of the tunnel. We're starting to go, huh, shit, maybe I can do this. There is light that is at the end of the tunnel. We're starting to get there. And this is one of the most important stages you can be in because it informed pessimism. Stage four, you're starting to see all of the places where you were,

all of the places you still need to go, all of the improvements that you've made, all of the improvements that you still need, but you're starting to become more optimistic of like, hey, I actually think that I could do this. And I actually think I'm going to be successful at this. And that's stage four. And then what we all want, we all wish we could go from stage one to stage five, but you can't. You've got to go through stage two, stage three, stage four, but stage five is success and fulfillment. Success and fulfillment is the final stage of the emotional cycle of change. This is where all of the benefits of new behavior are finally fully experienced. And the cost of change is now perceived as worth it. Like the cost that seemed, damn, I don't know if I could do this at stage two and stage three, you look back and go,

I'm so glad that I pushed through. I'm so glad that I did it. It doesn't seem worth it until you cross the finish line. And then you cross the finish line, you go, oh man, I'm so glad that I did that. And the actions that were once really difficult for you are now routine. Like it's not hard to do the things that you need to do because it's now a routine. There are literally habits that are built into you. And finally, with success and fulfillment, you're getting to the point where you're like, that was worth it. I'm so glad I did that. And you continue to keep working yourself in order to become better. And the important thing to remember is this. We all want to go from stage one to stage five. It's not going to happen that way. You got to go from stage one to two to three to four to five. And so the important thing, and what you're

probably asking yourself when you're out there listening to me talk about this, okay, if I'm going to go to stage two and stage three, what do I need to do in order to get myself to stage four and stage five? So glad that you asked that question because the most important thing that you can do when you're in stage two and stage three, knowing that you're going to not feel very good, is to take action every day, even if it's just a little bit of action towards the goal you're trying to achieve. Take a little bit of action regardless of how you feel. You should know that you're going to feel unmotivated. You're going to feel like you can't do this. You're going to feel like maybe this isn't going to work out. You're going to feel like giving up. But regardless of how you feel,

you take action in the direction of where you're trying to go. That is the most important thing that you can do. And so it's not about like, hey, I hope I feel good today. It's like, hey, I'm going to take action no matter what. Instead of trying to be motivated, focus on being consistent, waking up, doing what needs to be done regardless of how you feel. The most successful people in the world do not wait until they feel good, until they take action. They take action every single day to give them a chance of actually feeling good.

Because when you go into stage two and stage three, there's a chance you're probably not going to feel super excited. You're not going to feel super stoked. But as you start to get a little bit closer and a little bit closer, a little bit closer, you start to feel better about yourself. It's like Tony Robbins always says, progress equals happiness. And so if you're trying to get better and trying to improve and you feel like you're improving just a little bit every single day, you'll start to become happier, start

to become more motivated. You'll start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and you'll go from the bottom of the U back up to the other side of the top of the U and you'll eventually go to stage four. And then you'll eventually, time will tell how long it's going to take. It could take a year, two years, five years, 10 years, 20 years. I don't know what it's going to take because I don't know what it is that you're trying to be successful at. But eventually you will get to stage five, which is success and fulfillment. And you'll only get there when you decide that you're not going to give up. So that is the emotional cycle of change. You will go through it whenever you do anything different, whenever you start to have any changes. And if you can understand your emotions, it makes it so much easier

to know, hey, I'm here. I'm going to be working through this stage and this is what I need to do. I need to take the right action. I need to be consistent. I need to make sure that I'm moving myself a little bit further into the direction that I would need to be every single day. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please do me a favor right now. Share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it. Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. That is one of the ways that we grow.

And so if you would love to support us, I would love for you to be able to share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it. And once again, I will leave you now the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day.