The Mindset Mentor - Why Do You Get Triggered?

Episode Date: December 30, 2020

It's the holiday season and that means you're probably going to be triggered by your family. In this episode, I am going to teach you why you get triggered and how working through your triggers might be your most important task in your personal development.Follow me on IG for motivational videos from me - @RobDialJr https://www.instagram.com/robdialjr/ Want to learn more about Mindset Mentor+? For nearly nine years, the Mindset Mentor Podcast has guided you through life's ups and downs. Now, you can dive even deeper with Mindset Mentor Plus. Turn every podcast lesson into real-world results with detailed worksheets, journaling prompts, and a supportive community of like-minded people. Enjoy monthly live Q&A sessions with me, and all this for less than a dollar a day. If you’re committed to real, lasting change, this is for you.Join here 👉 www.mindsetmentor.com My first book that I’ve ever written is now available. It’s called LEVEL UP and It’s a step-by-step guide to go from where you are now, to where you want to be as fast as possible.📚If you want to order yours today, you can just head over to robdial.com/bookHere are some useful links for you… If you want access to a multitude of life advice, self development tips, and exclusive content daily that will help you improve your life, then you can follow me around the web at these links here:Instagram TikTokFacebookYoutube

Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host Rob Dial and if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another episode. Today we're going to be talking about the things that trigger you and more specifically we're going to be talking about the people that trigger you, especially this time of year. And we're going to talk about how to survive the holidays and frankly, how to survive your family. That's what we're going to be talking about today is how to survive your family, how to survive the people that trigger you, how to survive all those people. And let me explain why I think triggers are good.

So as you guys know, there are certain times where you could go to work, you could be good, everything could be great. But then you get around somebody that's in your family and they say one thing and it just sets you off or just triggers you or it makes you sad or pissed off or angry or resentful, whatever it is. You get some feeling because of one little thing that somebody else does. And I'm here to tell you that triggers are good. Why are they good? Because triggers show you what you need to learn about yourself. Triggers are teachers. So you could be

really good for the entire year. And then you go home and one of your parents says something or your sister says something and it just sets you down a spiral. Why? Because there's something that's there that you still haven't let go of. there's something that's there that you still haven't let go of. There's something that's there that you're still needing to work through. And we're in the middle of the holiday season right now. And people are always excited about the holiday season. I was like, oh my God, I can't wait to go home and see my family. And then we have Thanksgiving. And after Thanksgiving, we have the holiday season. Then I go home and we have Christmas or whatever it is that you celebrate. And then we have New Year's. We have all of these things. And I'm so excited to go through all of these things.

But then you get home and you realize that these freaking people drive you nuts, right? You're like, holy crap, how did I forget about this? Every year, every year I forget about how crazy these people make me. And, you know, it's different for everybody. But there's always something that triggers you. And it's really weird. It's really odd, isn't it? That sometimes, you know, your mom could say something to you that could completely

trigger you. But then someone that you know, that you work with at work could say the exact same thing and it doesn't trigger you the exact same way. Why is that? That's so odd, isn't it? That we could be triggered by one person for the exact same thing that we could not be triggered by somebody else. And one of the things that I really love, I listen to Ram Dass a lot. And Ram Dass is probably the main person I listen to consistently. And Ram Dass died last year, but he's just a spiritual teacher. And he talks about how the first time he went to India and he found his guru. And this is back in the 60s and 70s. And he started wearing white robes and had a really long beard and became a spiritual being and had his beads. And he thought that he had become enlightened.

He went over to India and his father was a successful Jewish man. And his father picks him up from the airport and he's riding high. He's spiritual. He's enlightened in his mind. And halfway through the drive, 10, 15 minutes in, his father goes, So, Richard, when are you going to get a job? And it was just like that. He snapped out of his being enlightened and spiritual and he was triggered. And he realized,

holy crap, you're telling me that I literally went over to India for a year, worked on myself, meditated, became this spiritual being. And then within 10 minutes, my dad can just pull me out of it. And he realized that triggers are these things that are your next level of development. As you start to work on yourself, you realize that you start to learn about yourself. You start to become very self-aware. You start to figure out what's good about you, what's bad about you, what you want to change, what you want to keep the same, what you want to develop. And when you get around some family members, some family members really know how to trigger you.

And sometimes they don't even trigger you on purpose. It's just literally, it's just built up triggers that are inside of you. And the triggers are never somebody else's fault. Let me say that again for you guys. The triggers, when someone triggers you, it's never somebody else's fault. It's your fault, right? So if somebody triggers you and you're on the street and it's not a family member, that's not their fault that they trigger you. It's your fault that you reacted to whatever it is that they did. And that is the first step is realizing that you are completely in control of every single reaction that you have. So it's never somebody else's fault when you are triggered. But the interesting thing is that your family tends to show you your biggest triggers. You're also your close relationship. So if you've

been in a relationship with someone for a while, it could be your spouse, it could be your husband, your wife, it could be your long-term boyfriend or girlfriend, it could be your children, all of those people. When you're in a very close, intimate relationship with somebody, I don't mean just sexual relationship, I just mean intimate relationship with somebody. You're very close. You're always together. A person that you're in a deep intimate relationship with becomes a proxy for your parents. So what tends to happen is that the things that your parents do that trigger you is also what you'll notice that you're triggered by your spouse. Now think about that for a second. Anybody who's been in a long relationship, a spouse or a long term girlfriend, boyfriend, can you notice that some ways that your parents

trigger you are the same way that your spouse triggers you? Why? Because as I said, your close intimate relationships become proxies for your parents. Your children could also do the same. Your children can also trigger you the same way that other people that you're close to as well. And triggers are teachers. That's the beautiful thing about them. So the worst thing that can happen is you could go, oh my gosh, there's my mom being my mom again and doing this thing and doing this thing and blaming it all on her for the way that she is. And you having triggers, you're like, well, I'm only upset because my mom's doing X, Y, Z. I'm only mad because my dad's doing X, Y, Z. He's doing this again. No, no, no. He's doing that.

And you could have an infinite amount of reactions to whatever it is that he is doing. But you chose to be triggered, to get angry, to get pissed off, to get sad, to get emotional, whatever it is that you get from that. Triggers are teachers. Triggers are your next level of development. And so when you find a trigger, you have to sit down and ask yourself, number one, what happened? What actually happened?

Because maybe I was viewing it through the wrong lens. And number two, why am I feeling this way towards that event that happened? And you will probably realize that you're feeling that way because of something. Oh, my mom did this. And then you go, oh my God, I remember when I was a kid and she used to do that. I remember how I used to be embarrassed. I remember I used to get mad or whatever it was when she used to do this thing. And you realize, holy crap, I still have some childhood stuff that I need to work through.

And then you start working through those things. Triggers are teachers. Triggers are beautiful things. And you know, the funny thing is like we look up to monks and monks are beautiful and they go and they, they work on their spiritual development stuff. But it's very easy to go, I don't want to say very easy, it's much easier to go into the mountains where you're not around a whole bunch of people and work on yourself than it is to go to a place where you can constantly be triggered by people every single turn that you take. Or, you know, what I think if somebody really wants to work on their personal and spiritual development, live with your parents again and then see what happens. Because if you can work through that, you can work through anything, right?

So being a monk would not be easy. It would be easier because you'd have less triggers. You'd have less opportunities for people to trigger you, right? Another one of the things that Ram Dass always said is he used to live in the middle of New York City. And people were like, oh my gosh, I love visiting New York, but I can't live in New York. And he says, well, why can't you live in New York? Because whatever it is that you can't live in New York for is the next level for you to work through. So why not live in a place that's dirty, that's crazy, that has the most affluent people in the world,

the poorest people in the world, the people that are dressed the nicest, the people that are pissing on the side of the street. There's everything that you could see in New York. You're getting every aspect of it in every opportunity to be triggered. Hey, everybody, real quick, let me tell you about my favorite drink that I take every single day first thing in the morning. It's called Athletic Greens. Here's how I start my day. I go to the bathroom, I brush my teeth, and the very next thing I do is I drink Athletic Greens and then meditate. And in 30 seconds, in one scoop, I get 75 vitamins, minerals, and whole food source ingredients. It has everything that a multivitamin has, plus greens, probiotics, prebiotics, digestive enzymes, immunity formula, adaptogens, and so

much more. And I've told you this story before. When COVID first hit, I ordered some for my mom because I wanted to keep her immune system up, and I paid for it out of my pocket. I didn't get it for free at all. I literally sent it to her and paid for it. That's how important it was for me. So if you're looking to upgrade your multivitamin or take just one nutritional formula that's going to get you all of your daily nutritional basis covered, then you want to consider Athletic Greens. Athletic Greens makes it so much easier to get really high quality nutrition, and it makes it super, super easy for you without the need to buy multiple products. So make an investment in your health today and try Athletic Greens all-in-one wellness bundle and support your immunity and gut health and energy by visiting athleticgreens.com

slash dial. And when you do, you'll receive a year's supply of liquid vitamin D absolutely free with your first purchase. Once again, that's athleticgreens.com slash dial. So that's something to think about is what are your triggers trying to teach you? If you look back on your Christmas that you just had or whatever it is that you celebrated, the dinner that you just had, or even Thanksgiving, you go back to Thanksgiving, you start thinking about why was I triggered by that thing? You don't have to talk about that person or talk with that person about what happened. You can literally work through it on your own. You can take a pen and paper. You can start to work through it. You can start to figure it out because your triggers are

teachers. Your triggers are showing you your next level of development. Now, on the other end, sometimes you go to a family event and you just have negative people. I know how it works. There are always negative people in every single family. Maybe your aunt is negative. Maybe your grandma's negative. Maybe your parents are negative. Whatever it is, somebody inside of your family is negative. And we can try to resist going to a family event because of the fact that we know there's going to be a negative person there. Understandable. Or we could look at it as if it's a challenge and go, you know what, just like a video game. Like if you go to a video game and you go from level three,

after you beat level three, what do you go to? You go to level four. So it's like, okay, now I'm on level four of this video game well let's talk about the exact same way let's say that you know you have a really negative ant well now in this game of life this video game of life i am on negative ant level 10 whatever it is and this is a challenge that is in front of me to challenge me to see how good i am so for instance if i'm going to go to a gym and i want to grow my muscles i need to every single time I go in, I need to lift heavier weights. Right? Makes sense. So maybe my aunt that's extremely negative when I'm trying to be positive and she knows how to trigger me, she knows how to set me off and she's negative and

negative and negative. And I'm just wanting to freaking be positive and at least a little bit optimistic when this lady is so freaking pessimistic and I'm sitting there and she's so negative and negative and negative instead of going, oh my God, you know, Aunt Nancy sucks. She just needs to get her shit together. Her mind is in the dumps and start judging her. I can look at it and go, okay, can I become even more calm and more positive around her? Not by trying to belittle her and tell her how she should be positive, but can I keep my internal equanimity around her? Can I not allow anybody else to disturb the peace that is inside of me? And I am on negative Nancy, negative Aunt Nancy, level 10 right now. And let me see if I can not talk trash about her. Let me see if I can not

judge her. Let me see if I can just sit near her and go, okay, yep, she's in that negative mood. I'm going to go ahead and try to keep the peace and the calm and the joy within myself, knowing that this is going to happen and see it as if it's a video game. See it as if it's a challenge. See it as if the universe is going, okay, Rob, I see where you are in your level of personal development. I see where you are in your spiritual development. I'm going to go ahead and I'm going to throw a challenge at you. And I go, okay, universe. Okay, God, whatever it is you believe in. This is my challenge that I'm on. Okay, let me see how I can work through this and try to make this better. So it's never that somebody's negative and they trigger you. It is that

somebody could be negative, but you are being triggered. You have to take the actual ownership of the triggering. Not their fault. It's your fault. Because if we were to take the Dalai Lama and place him in the exact same position as you and have your negative aunt say whatever she is saying to you, it probably wouldn't set the Dalai Lama off, right? So what's the difference? You're being triggered, but he's not.

Well, clearly it's not what the event of what's happening. It's the reaction to what is happening. You know, your mom says this one thing that she's been saying since you were seven years old and always drives you crazy. Well, if you were to put the Dalai Lama in that position, she were to say those things to him, he wouldn't react. So clearly it's not what she's saying that's the issue. It is the reaction to whatever is being said. And I understand, everybody. I understand. It's easier said than done. I freaking get that.

It's because everything's easier said than done. Literally everything. Why? Because all you have to do is move your lips in order for something to be said. But to be done, to catch yourself in the middle of feeling up your bubbling of, oh my God, I just want to punch her in the face. You know, you feel that feeling around somebody. Obviously, you're not going to be able to, hopefully you're not punching your hand in the face or else you're really having some intense

and some crazy shindigs for your family. But sitting there and going, okay, I am aware that I am being emotional right now. I am aware that I am being triggered. Okay. Let me actually take a step back. Let me become self-aware. Let me figure out why I'm being emotional right now. I am aware that I am being triggered. Okay. Let me actually take a step back. Let me become self-aware. Let me figure out why I'm being triggered right now. What about this moment is triggering to me? What is it that I might need to still learn about myself or my relationship to others around me that could help me? Because I guarantee if your negative Aunt Nancy is triggering you, something that she's doing is also going to trigger you with somebody else. Because a trigger doesn't just happen around one person. Trigger happens around other people as

well. It might not be as dramatic as it is around people that you're close to, but it's still there. And the overall goal of personal development, I always say that the goal of personal development is this. When I first started working on myself, something would happen and I would get really pissed off and I'd be pissed off about one thing for like a freaking week and I would ruin my week

because I was pissed off about something and then I worked on myself and I worked on myself and I learned to meditate and I read it and I read it. I need to learn how to speak first. That's what I need to do. I read and I got better and I read it. I need to learn how to speak first. That's what I need to do. I read and I got better and I grew a little bit. I grew a little bit. And then two years later, what would have set me off for a week sets me off still, but maybe it only sets me off for five days. It doesn't set me off as much as the other times. And then I work on

myself and I work on myself and I work on myself and I work myself. And then a few years down the road, what would have made me piss for seven days and then would have made me pissed for five days. Maybe I'm only pissed for three days. I'm shortening my time of being pissed off. Hmm. Okay. That shows me improvement. Now, do I still want to be getting pissed off of this thing? No, of course not. But my time is shortening. Then maybe I'm only pissed for an entire day. Ha, that's still a win. I used to be pissed for seven days years ago. Now I'm pissed for a day. And then maybe something happens that I'm pissed for an hour.

Oh, it used to be a week. Now it's only an hour. And then you work on yourself, you work on yourself, and you work on yourself. And the reaction time goes from a week to five days to three days to one day to an hour. And then what happens? It turns to five minutes. And then what happens? It turns to five minutes. And then what happens? It turns to no reaction. And that is what self-mastery is all about, is something can happen and there is no reaction on your part because nothing, literally nothing can trigger and change your internal peace and joy and equanimity. Nothing will trigger you.

You are a rock. You are solid. You have built an iron mind. You have built the foundation that you've needed to. That is absolute personal development, is where something can happen to you that used to set you off and it doesn't set you off at all anymore. You can see it as if it's just a passing cloud and go, oh, there it goes again. No big deal. That is what you're trying to work towards. And that is the reason why triggers are so beautiful and triggers are such teachers is because the triggers are the places that you need to work on the most. There is nobody in this world that makes you pissed off. You get pissed off at those people. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent, is what Eleanor Roosevelt said. There is nothing in this world that sets you off. You are allowing that thing

to set you off. There is nothing in this world that makes you mad. You are allowing yourself to get mad at some event. There's nothing in this world that makes you angry or pissed off or, you know, sad or emotional. You are allowing yourself and it's easier said than done. I understand it. But the more that you work on yourself, the more that you try to improve years and years and years and years and years of working on yourself, eventually it goes to, all right, no big deal. What's next in this world? And that is when you've truly mastered yourself. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, if you know someone that needs to hear this, if you know a triggered individual, send this to them and go ahead and

add it to your Instagram stories, if you would, for me and tag me in it, RobDialJr, R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R, because as you guys know, this podcast does not grow unless you guys share it. We have become one of the largest podcasts in the world simply because you guys are so amazing and you have been sharing us grassroots. So I greatly, greatly appreciate that. And I'm going to leave you the same way I leave you every single episode, making sure mission makes someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.