The Mindset Mentor - Why is it So Hard to Change?

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial. And if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another episode. And if you're out there and you want to receive motivational text messages from me directly to your cell phone and you live in the United States or Canada, text me right now, 512-580-9305. Once again, 512-580-9305. So today we're going to talk about why change is so hard and how to make it easier to be okay with changing. Because I know one thing about humans is inherently we don't like change. We like things to be the same. We like them to be predictable. And if we want to create a life that we've always dreamed of. We like things to be the same. We like them to be predictable. And if we want to create a life that we've always dreamed of, that's going to have to be a lot of

Starting point is 00:00:49 difference in our lives. And so we're also going to talk about why I think that everyone's a little bit bipolar. And I don't mean bipolar in an actual clinical sense. This isn't knocking people who are bipolar. I mean that inside of us, I don't know about you, but sometimes it feels like there's two sides of us battling at all points in time. When I've talked with students or clients over years of doing this, they're always like, man, there's like this side of me. And then there's like another side of me. And I've been in this space for a long time. And I'll personally admit that when I first got into it, before I get into personal development, before I get into reading, all of that stuff, I thought all of this was stupid. I thought it was. I remember my mom, when I was little, like 12, 13 years old, we used to drive when I was in middle school,

Starting point is 00:01:29 we'd have to drive about 45 minutes to get to the school I went to because we moved to a different area and I didn't want to switch schools. So we'd drive about 45 minutes each day. And my mom also lived, she worked at the place where she would drop me off at, and I would just ride the bus to school. And she used to listen to Tony Robbins tapes when I was little. And I remember, I thought it was ridiculous. I remember making fun of her because I thought it was the stupidest thing. And then I got into it, and it was this awakening of how I've built myself unconsciously into someone that I did not want to be anymore. That's the way that it was for me. And I'm sure it probably was that way for you, where it's like, you get to a point where you want to change and you've realized that you want to change because you've built yourself

Starting point is 00:02:14 into a person that you actually do not want to be. And as I started improving myself, I started to feel like I was in battle with another version of myself. It was like the person that I wanted to be and the person that was like my true self battling against who I had always been, you know? And I would do things or, you know, I would do things and I would think to myself, why the hell did I just do that? Like, why did I do that? Or sometimes I would think things and I think to myself, like, why the hell did I just think that? Like, there's times where I will unconsciously judge somebody and then think to myself, why the hell did I just judge them? Like, I don't even know where that came from. Like, it wasn't a conscious thought to be like, oh, that person X, Y, Z. It's like,

Starting point is 00:02:57 it just pops up in my head. And it was this constant battle for the longest time. And I would think, how is it possible to have those thoughts, those thoughts like unconsciously pop up? Like I didn't plan for them to pop up when those aren't truly how I think and feel. Like I don't truly think of judging that person. I don't truly feel like the judgments that I have are the way that I actually truly feel about it. And then I realized that each of us kind of have two sides to us. And that's what I mean by bipolar. Not to knock on people who actually are clinically bipolar, but at least it feels like there's two people living inside of us. It sounds like an alien movie or something,

Starting point is 00:03:34 right? Like I remember I brought this up to my friend one time who's also a coach and he's a very successful coach. And I was like, man, you ever feel like you're bipolar? Like sometimes I feel like there's one side of me and I also feel like there's another side of me. Like there's the side of me that wants to like do amazing things and be an amazing person and help people and love people and, and like the perfect peaceful version of me. And then there's another one that's just kind of like the shitty one I want to get rid of. And you know, I want to try to silence that one. And he turns to me and he goes, bipolar. He goes, man, I feel like I'm octopolar. I feel like there's eight people living inside of me and they're all battling for different things. And so no matter where you are, if you feel that way, you're not weird. I want to tell you that. And I think this

Starting point is 00:04:13 is why when you see in movies, this is what they meant when they would see somebody who had an angel on their shoulder. And then on the other shoulder, they would have a devil on their shoulder. It's like, that's the two sides that live inside of us. It's the angel, which I think is like your true self, which is like your true self, love everybody, want to help, amazing version of yourself. It's kind of how you come into this world. And that's the true self and the one that you're trying to build yourself into or trying to build yourself back into. And then there's a conditioned self, which is like the devil side of us, which is like all of our traumas, all of the things that have happened to us, all of our judgments, all of our complaints, all of the hurt, the pain, the things that have all happened to us have built

Starting point is 00:04:51 us into like this conditioned self, like this devil that's on our shoulder. And, you know, I'll kind of give you an idea. I'll explain these to you. So if we look at like the angel, right? Children, when you look at a child, a young child, one, two years old, like that's who we truly are. That's how we came into this world, right? Before the world came in and told us how we're supposed to be, our family came in and told us how we're supposed to be, how we're supposed to act, how society told us who we were supposed to be. It's the person that we were before we got hurt, the person that we were before we got our heart broken, the person we were before we got hurt, the person that we were before we got our heart broken, the person we were before we got the trauma, the person we were before the bullies bullied us,

Starting point is 00:05:32 you know, the person that we were before we learned to protect ourselves. That's what I mean by the angel, the true self, the true version of who we actually are. A good example of this is like a dog. If you see an aggressive dog, no dog is born aggressive. That's something that they learn. The aggressiveness is a defense mechanism that it's learned that it needs to have in order to protect itself. That's the protection mechanism. So it's like the true version of that dog is not aggressive, crazy dog. It's that that dog has been hit too many times and they've learned that when something walks up to them with two arms and two legs, they have to protect themselves. And that's a protection device. That's like the devil. That's the conditioned self. But the dog, when it was a

Starting point is 00:06:24 puppy, wasn't like that. That's the true self. But the dog, when it was a puppy, wasn't like that. That's the true self. The aggressive dog is the one that is trying to protect itself at all times. And this is where we're told like, you know, who we should be. We learn what we're supposed to do and we've built ways to defend ourselves. And we all have different ways of defending ourselves. Some people it's aggressive. Some, it's emotion. Some people get too sad. Some people play the victim card. We have many different hats that we can wear in this conditioned self to protect ourselves in some sort of way. And I learned this for myself. I had a really, really hard conversation when I was younger. I was about 21 years old. And I had been working in this company for two years. And I

Starting point is 00:07:03 trained many, many, many people. And I was what's called the sales manager. I was the pilot sales manager. It was the top office that was in the country. I was running this office and we were number one out of 500 offices. We were doing great. And my mentor calls me up and he's like, hey man, can you meet me at Chipotle? Do you want to go get lunch? And I was like, yeah, sure. Let's go to Chipotle. We go to Chipotle, we get some lunch. And he's like, hey man, I got to tell you something. And my first mentor wasn't really much of a sugarcoating person. I was like, okay, cool. He goes, a lot of people don't like you. And I was like, oh fuck, I don't know where that came from. I wasn't expecting this. I thought we were just getting Chipotle. And he's like, it's not

Starting point is 00:07:43 that they don't like who you are, it's that they don't know who you are. He goes, I know who you are, but the person that you present when you're around other people is different than I know who you truly are. And I realized that I was basically pretending to be a certain person and I was acting a certain way and I wasn't being who I truly was. I was being more of like the devil than I was of the angel, right? So it's more of the conditioned self, the dog that's aggressive versus, you know, the puppy. And he's like, I know deep down in your heart, you're not that person. But what happened with me is I was hurt so bad as a child in different ways from my father, you know, being an alcoholic, saying he was going to pick me up, then just never showing up sometimes, going through all of that, the trauma I had from that and the hurt that I had from that and him

Starting point is 00:08:27 passing away at 15 to, you know, bullies that you have in middle school and in high school and having to protect yourself that way to playing sports where you have to be aggressive and you have to be the person to, you know, you have to have really, I learned to have really thick skin and to strike first and to strike first. And to strike first and so hard that nobody would want to come back at me because they would be afraid of coming back at me because of how hard my first strike was. And that's how I had developed myself into protect myself. That was my aggressive dog. That was the devil that I'm speaking at that was on my shoulder, right? But it wasn't my true self. And he knew that. And he brought that up to me. And that was like a life-changing conversation.

Starting point is 00:09:09 It was a hard conversation, but it was a life-changing conversation because I realized like I was not the person that I was presenting myself to be. And I had to kind of let my armor down. And it took a long time, let my armor down and let my armor down and let my armor down. So people could actually truly see who I was. And what's interesting about that is the more that I let my armor down, the more that I started being accepted by people. So it was like, I was trying to protect myself, but there was no reason to protect myself. I was more accepted when I was my true self, right? Hey, summer is here and I don't know about you, but my goal is to get into the best shape of my life this year. And sure, summer is your time to let loose, but enjoying some extra R&R doesn't mean you have

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Starting point is 00:12:41 So it's not like I expect that one day that conditioned self is just going to be gone. That devil is going to be gone. But I've become very aware of when it starts to rear its head up so I can silence it. And at the same time, I've learned which one to listen to on my shoulder. But it's not gone, but it's nowhere near as strong as it was. And I don't know about you, I would prefer not to be the devil side of me. I would prefer to be more of my true and loving self. I want to be more of who I was when I was a kid, right? When I look back at myself when I was a kid, I was like a kind, loving,

Starting point is 00:13:16 calm, peaceful kid. I wasn't a crazy kid. I was just a calm, chill kid. And I want to be more of that, more than I want to be the conditioned self that I built myself up into, up into the age of 21, 22, 23. And I'm saying this because I want you to know, like, I'm definitely not perfect. I still judge people way too fast. But then after I noticed myself judging somebody, I immediately go to make myself in my head, say three things that I like about that person before I do anything else. You know, I still get pissed off when somebody cuts me off on the road. I think I developed my road rage for my mom, right? But it's nowhere near what it used to be. And then I just reminded myself like, hey, that person, you know, the joke that Lauren and I always have is that person must have to poop, right? Like they're in a hurry.

Starting point is 00:14:00 They got to get out of here. They got to go poop. That's why they're hauling some ass, right? Or maybe I remind myself that person might be on their way to the hospital to go see someone that they love, right? I remember a mentor of mine years ago, probably about 10, 15 years ago at this point, was telling a story about how somebody cut him off in traffic. And he was like, it was, they were driving erratically and he cut him off in traffic. He was so mad. He was so pissed. And he was so pissed about this whole thing with them cutting him off. And he held onto it. And then, you know, he got to a stoplight and it was a lady. He pulled up next to her, like ready to yell at the lady.

Starting point is 00:14:37 And he looked at her and she was like sobbing, crying. And he was like, oh shit, I don't know what that lady's going through. And for me, I wanted to yell at her, but it seems like she's going through something and maybe she's in a hurry, like I said, to go to the hospital, see somebody she loves. Maybe there's some sort of emergency of what she's got to go to. Maybe there's an emergency on the other side of the city and she needs to go see that person. I don't know what it is. And so you can notice the feelings of like, boom, that person cut me off or boom, that person said this or whatever it might be. And you can notice your conditioned self want to pop up and to say those things or

Starting point is 00:15:15 it might say those things, or you might think those things in your head or those judgments might come up and you can always notice them, but don't judge yourself for them. As I always say, you can't control your first thought, but you can always control your second thought. So if you notice that first thought popping up and being the first thought that you don't want it to be, that's the conditioned self. That's the devil on the shoulder. It will still pop up sometimes, but it's about developing the awareness of noticing when it's about to pop up and having the awareness of like, hey, this isn't me. This is just something that I'm working through. And not judging yourself for that and think to yourself,

Starting point is 00:15:51 okay, this is what popped up. This is the first thought. I can't control my first thought, but I can always control my second thought. What do I want to switch it to? And if you work at it over time, over time, over time, over time, your first thought slowly starts to change. Like I remember when I was younger, I was extremely pessimistic. I was extreme. I could find the negative in anything. I was like a negative seeking person. But for so long, I've been trying to find the positive, trying to find the positive, trying to find the positive. When anything bad happens, whenever shit happens, shit hits the fan, whatever it is, I try to find the positive in it. Then now it's more of a natural thought for the first thought to be something of like, hey, how can

Starting point is 00:16:28 we turn this into something amazing versus having to change it from negative to positive. It just ends up being positive now. So if you have the ants that pop up, the automatic negative thoughts, they will still pop up sometimes, but you have to have some sort of a plan of when this automatic negative thought, the ant pops up, this is what I'm going to switch it to. When that automatic negative thought pops up about somebody or judgment, as I said, pops up with somebody, I'm going to have three things that I have to say about that person before I can move on and do something different. When I have a negative thought about myself pop up, I'm going to tell myself three things that I love about myself. When I have an automatic negative thought about my life or about anything else, I'm going to

Starting point is 00:17:10 have to replace it with three positive thoughts. And it's about developing the system of understanding that there are basically two sides of us, right? There's our true self, the one that we were born into, the one that we're probably trying to get back to. And there's a conditioned self, the one that we've learned to be to protect ourselves from society, from heartbreak, from trauma, from all the things that happen. And we've conditioned ourself to be that. And it's about becoming aware of all of the pieces of the conditioned self that we have, that we don't want to have anymore. And start making a plan of how, when those things pop up, because they will continue to pop up, what we're going to change it to, to make sure that we're a little bit less in the devil side and we're a little bit more of the angel side on our shoulder. Because ultimately,

Starting point is 00:17:52 that's really what it is. We can find positive in anything. We can find negative in anything. We can find good in anything. We can find bad in anything. There's always good and bad in every single thing. That's why when you look at the actual yin and yang symbol, there's the black, which is supposed to be the bad side of things of life. There's a good, which is the white side of things of life. And inside of the yin and yang, inside of the dark, there is still a little white piece, which means that inside of all of the bad, there is still good. And inside of all of the good, there is still bad. That's what the yin and yang symbol actually means. So we can find the good and the bad in anything that we do. Or we can just say, hey, you know what? I've noticed this negative thought come up.

Starting point is 00:18:28 I'm going to replace with this. I've noticed this negative thought pop up. I'm going to replace with this. I've noticed this judgment. I'm going to start replacing with this. And actually have a plan up to all the things you want to change about your conditioned self and actually start to change those things so that you can start to become the person that you want to be, not the person that you have just been raised into being. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on your Instagram stories and tag me in it, Rob Dial Jr., R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you are out there, you have Instagram and you want to follow this podcast on Instagram, we are now posting clips from this podcast and things to, you know, some behind the scenes, all that type of stuff for this podcast.

Starting point is 00:19:08 So if you want to follow us on there, it is The Mindset Mentor Podcast. Once again, The Mindset Mentor Podcast on Instagram. Follow us on there, check it out. Guarantee you'll love it. And with that, I'm gonna leave you the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better.

Starting point is 00:19:23 I appreciate you. And I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Why is it So Hard to Change?

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