The Mindset Mentor - Why You Suffer

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

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Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I'm your host, Rob Dial, and if you have not yet done so, hit that subscribe button so that you never miss another episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast and you're working on yourself and you want to get better, go ahead and go to mondayemail.com right now. Once again, it's mondayemail.com. And every Monday, I will send you an email with tips and tricks on how to improve your mindset and some of the stuff that I'm doing in my life to improve myself. I'm going to give you some of that so you can start to use it as well. So once again, it's absolutely free. It is mondayemail.com. Today, we're going to be talking about where

most humans' suffering comes from. Now, let me talk about suffering and we talk about pain real quick before we dive into this. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. So when I say human suffering, a lot of people will think like, oh, the people suffering that are in other countries or people that are going through terrible trauma and all of that stuff. That's not what I mean when I say suffering. Pain, like I'll give you a quick example just to make it more sense, give you a little more

context, right? Pain would be somebody cheating on you. Suffering is waking up and thinking about that every single day. The pain happened. That is inevitable. You're going to have pain in your life. The suffering though is optional. There's some people that are still suffering 10 years later from somebody that cheated on suffering 10 years later from somebody that cheated on them 10 years ago and thinking that they're not good enough 10 years down the road. And so when I say suffering, that's what I mean. And we're going to talk about the path of a human and the path of growth as a human. And first, we start off being a child, right? And if you think about children, like I have a lot of children that are in my family. I grew up in, you know, when I go to Christmas, we have 40, 45 of us that are back home. But when

I was a kid, there were always children around, always, you know, we were raised Roman Catholics. So we've reproduced like bunnies. And so those of you guys that are Irish Catholic all know that, Irish Catholic, not Roman Catholic. So when you think about this though, you think about being a child. And if you ever see a child, children are just free. They're just their truest selves, aren't they? Like they can get naked in the middle of a target and they don't give a damn what you think about them. They don't care. They're just free. They're just their truest selves. And that's the way we come into this world. And then at some point in time, we are taught how to fit in with society, taught how to fit in with our family. We are domesticated, I guess you could say, right? And through the domestication process, we lose our true selves. and your parents yell at you. The other day I was at a restaurant with Dean and his family,

and his little two-year-old, I think he had just turned three, just decides in the middle of a restaurant, nice restaurant, just to scream. Like out of nowhere. It came from nowhere. And we're like, what the hell just happened? That's just a child. That's what they do. And they don't care what anybody thinks in their entire restaurant. And so we're all like, shh, you got to be quiet. So we're telling them not to be as true as self. It's hard to do this to domesticate, I'm going to keep using that word intentionally, domesticate a child into fitting in with society and also be like, well, how do I not squash their freedom of expression, right? And so then as a child, you're running around in public and you're in the grocery store and you have all of this energy and you're going crazy and you're yelled at so

that you stop running, right? And the average child, because I get it, parents have to reprimand their children to keep them alive a lot of times. A lot of times they get reprimanded just because the parent doesn't want to have to deal with it. But the average child statistically is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised. Let me say this again for people that are parents, for people that want to be parents, for people that are grandparents, all of us. The average child is reprimanded eight times more than they're praised, which means that they are told that their truest self, if we're really taking a step back, their truest self is not

acceptable in this moment, right? They think that they are not enough eight times more than they think that they're enough. Why is it that everybody has some sort of paradigm of I'm not enough? Well, that's why. It's because we have to be, quote unquote, domesticated and fit in with society. It's societal pressures to make sure that the children fit in and that they act a certain way and they act a certain way when they go to school. And what happens over time is that we as humans, now as adults listening to this, we have abandoned our truest self at some point in time. We learn that our true self does not fit in with society. And so the best way to talk about this and give you this idea of why we suffer and how

to get free from suffering is from a Danish theologian and philosopher. His name is Soren, I'm going to try to pronounce this, but I'm going to screw it up, Kierkegaard, I think is how you say it. He was around in like the 1800s. And the best way of thinking of this is this is what tends to happen with people. And this happens, I see this happen with people all the time when they go on a personal development journey. As they go on a personal development journey and as they start to work on themselves, they realize that there are parts of themselves

that they don't like, that they want to get rid of. And they start to think that they're worse than normal and they want to fix rid of. And they start to think that they're worse than normal and they want to fix these things just so they can feel normal. And so the biggest problem from the top, if you can imagine of like, we're going to work from the top of a page down, right? The biggest problem is that usually it starts at some point in time with, I wish to be other than I am, to have a different self. And this was the first thing he discovered is that almost everybody at some point in time in their life thinks to himself, I want to be different than I am, right? We've all been there. I've been there many times. Have you ever been

there before? I want to be different than I am, better, richer, whatever it might be, right? I want to be different than I am. I want to be a different self. And so right under that, it flows into, so I try to make myself into someone different. What we do is we tend to abandon our truest selves and try to make ourself into somebody different, into somebody that we are not, so that we can fit in, so that we can succeed, so that we can be perceived the way that we want to be perceived, whatever it is. The first piece of it is I want to be different than I am to have a different self. So I try to make myself into someone different. And as you try to make

yourself into someone different, there's two ways that it can branch off. Either number one, two ways that it can branch off. Either number one, I fail and I hate myself in some sort of way because I failed and I am still the person that I was, but now I still want to change. So that's one side is that I fail. And the other side is that I succeed in changing myself and I abandoned my truest nature. So let's dive into each of those, right? I fail at becoming somebody else and I despise myself for it. Oh my God, I want to change. I want to be different. I don't have the motivation. I don't have this, this, this, this. And it comes from, I want to be somebody different. And so I'm trying to change myself into someone different and I despise myself for failing and I fail and I despise myself for not being who I want to be, which is somebody different, right? Following me? Now, on the other side of that is that I succeed at becoming, quote unquote, quote unquote, becoming somebody different.

I abandon my true self and I succeed at becoming somebody different. And I become somebody completely different than who I am at my truest self. I lose myself, my true self, in the character that I have to play. And it always brings me back to the spiritual awakening that Eckhart Tolle talks about in The Power of Now, where he was depressed and he was thinking of committing suicide. And he had this awakening when he said to himself, I can no longer live with myself, right? So let's look at that phrase. I can no longer live with myself. So there is the I that is the true self that we're speaking about and can no longer live with myself, which is the self that we have built

ourself into when we become somebody who is not our truest self. And so he realized he didn't need to commit suicide. And this isn't a whole thing about suicide or diving into it. There's a lot of people that go through mental struggles and all this stuff. I'm just talking specifically about Eric Cartoli. The I can no longer live with myself. He realized he didn't need to kill himself. He needed to change the self and go back to his truest nature, which was the I, which is the true self, right? So either way, whether I fail at becoming who I want to be and changing myself from my truest self, either that is one side or the other side of the coin is that I actually succeed and I lose my true self. Either way, I'm losing my true self.

And what happens is I get so far away from who I truly am, I don't know who I am anymore. And I don't know about you, I found myself here a few times in my life where I don't know who the fuck I am. And I'm like, I don't know, I'm lost. And it's like a dark night of the soul of like, who am I? What am I? What have I built myself into? You know, there's a lot of very successful people that become successful and then either become depressed or they commit suicide or whatever it is it might be. And a lot of times it's because they think that they have to abandon their true self in order to get to the mountaintop, the top of the mountain. And they get to the top of the mountain and they realize that it didn't do anything

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The only problems that money solves are money problems, nothing else. Everything else is exactly the same. And so either way, we lose ourselves. We have to lose our true selves in order to some point in time, get in here and start to figure out who we are, who we're not, all of that stuff. I do think that is the natural flow of a human soul is to have to go through all of this stuff because you have to lose yourself to find yourself. Just my belief. I've heard that from a lot of other people as well, but you can take that if you like. But maybe people think to themselves, well, maybe I have to make myself so tough because the world is so tough. And if I'm not tough, the world will beat me up. And we have to become this

real tough. Like a lot of men feel like we have to, I felt this way, had to become really tough and really hardcore. And I would have to be brash with my words and cut you first so that you didn't cut me. And I had to put up a wall and not let you in. But then really deep down inside, all of us are just soft, emotional beings that just want love. That's it. And so then what happens is we realize whether it is the path of failing, of becoming who we want to be, but we still hate ourselves and we want to change ourselves, or succeeding at changing ourselves, either way, both of them flow into, I lose my true self. selves. Either way, both of them flow into, I lose my true self. I'm so deep into the whole.

I'm so deep into wanting to change myself. I'm so deep into wanting the things to be different that I actually lose myself in the process, my truest self. And as I said earlier, most people do not know who they are. And it can be scary. And it's not a fun road to go down. But I think that when you go through that dark night of the soul, you start to realize what you do want, what you don't want, who you are, who you're not. And you start to kind of piece it all together and go back to who you were. So we think, you know, and going back to being successful and getting to the top of the mountaintop and realizing nothing changes. A lot of people think that by buying the house, it'll make us

feel better, but nothing changes. By buying the car, it'll make us feel better, but nothing changes. By buying the clothes, we're going to be so much better, and then nothing changes. Having a million dollars in the bank account, and then nothing changes, you still feel exactly the same. And then you start to realize as you lose yourself completely, which is the path that you're going to go through if you're trying to get rid of yourself and you fail, or you do abandon yourself and you do succeed, quote unquote, succeed at that, either way, you lose your true self. And so you find yourself in a place where it's kind of like despair. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go from here. And you realize at this point, hopefully if you have this awakening, that nothing you could ever

do or nothing you could ever achieve can make you more or less than what you currently are. Like if you today, let's say you're not a millionaire, right? Let's say you have $12 in your bank account. Let's say in five years, you have a million dollars in your bank account. In five years, when you have that million dollars in your bank account, are you more of a human in five years with that million dollars in bank account than you are right now? No, you're still the same. You're still a human. It doesn't make you better. Having a million dollars in bank account doesn't make you a better person. And not having a million dollars in bank account doesn't make you a worse person. Are you more of a human when you buy that Lamborghini and less of a human when you

don't have it? Are you more of a human when you have that mansion and less of a human when you don't have it? No. There's nothing that you could do or achieve or say that would add or subtract to who you currently are. And that is what we all need to realize. There's a meditation that I do every once in a while by this guy named Muji. It's on YouTube and I'll put him on and do some guided meditations with him every once in a while in the morning. And one of the things that he says during the meditation is he says, you have no pockets. And obviously, I'm wearing pants right now. And you might be like, well, I do have pockets. I do have four pockets on my pants. What he means is your physical human body has no pockets. So he says,

you have no pockets. You have no storehouse. There's nothing that you could do or say to make you more than what you currently are. Like you will, you and I came into this world naked. We will die naked. We will literally leave with what we came in with, which means that nothing that you could ever do or achieve or have, quote unquote have, because you don't really have anything. You know, as soon as you're gone, everything's going to be put back into the system. The money's going to be put back in the system. The house can be put back in the system. The land that you own is going to be put back in the system,

which means nothing you could ever make or do would make you more than what you truly are. And so to escape the suffering, to escape the anxiety, to escape the stress, what we need to do is that we need to realize that we have to accept our truest selves. We have to accept ourselves as we are. We need to try to take the path back to who we were as a child before we were domesticated. And we have to look at ourselves and say, yeah, I do have a scar on my face, but I still love myself. Yeah, I do have a big old butt, but I still love myself. Yeah, I do have a big old butt, but I still love myself. And you look and you start from a place of love versus a place of hate and wanting to change, change, change because you hate yourself. And you start looking at

yourself and saying, you know what? Maybe I am 15 pounds overweight, but instead of hating myself to lose weight, what if I love my body for all that it's done, all of the shit that I've put it through, the alcohol that I've given it, the drugs I've given it, the bad food that I've given it, and it still continues to run. Instead of from a place of hate, right? Like I hate my body. It's like, I want to accept and I want to love my body and I want to take care of it because of all of the stuff that it's done for me. And the goal is to try to be the self which is truly 100% integrated with who we truly are. Going back to the phrase, I can no longer live with myself, the self is the character that we have built ourselves into. What we're trying to do and what will actually cause the most happiness

and the most joy is to go back to the truest form of you, the I that was here when you were born, before we domesticated, before we were reprimanded eight times more than we were praised, before we were told what we should, should not do in every single aspect, before we had our heart broken the first time, before we started seeing advertisements that told us that we weren't good enough until we buy those products, before we were bullied in school, before our parents told us what we should and shouldn't do, all of those things. And we go back to the I, the truest nature of ourself, and realize that in this moment right now, there's nothing that you could do, say, achieve that would make you more than you currently

are right now, ever. You've always been at this level. You will always be at this level. There's nothing that you can do, that you can say. There's nothing that you can achieve. So the goal to remove suffering and to bring the most happiness into your life is to stop trying to change yourself from a place of wanting to hate yourself, but go back to the truest version of who you are, rediscover who you are, and try to integrate the truest version of yourself into the life that you currently have. Now, most people at that point in time will be like, well, Rob, but if I love myself, if I love my life, if I love all these things, I'll lose all of my motivation, I'll never become a millionaire, I'll never become successful. Oh, no, no, no, grasshopper. What I've come to

find is that when you love yourself more, it makes taking the right action so much easier because you don't have to push yourself. You feel in flow. You feel aligned. You feel like what you're doing is the right thing. And it makes it very easy to start making decisions and start taking actions that are in alignment with your truest self, which allows you to achieve more and makes it so much easier to achieve and become whatever it is that you want to become as your truest version of yourself versus trying to build yourself into someone that you're not. So that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share this on your Instagram stories and tag me in it, Rob Dial Jr. R-O-B-D-I-A-L-J-R. And if you want some more of this podcast, man, you should follow me on Instagram. Besides Rob Dial Jr., you can go to

The Mindset Mentor Podcast on Instagram. We have like 25, 26,000 people that follow us on there right now. We put up clips and some also behind the scenes and stuff that you've never seen before from the podcast and behind the scenes of the podcast on that page. So once again, it is the Mindset Mentor Podcast. And I'm going to leave it the same way I leave you every single episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you, and I hope that you have an amazing day.