The Mindset Mentor - Your Perception Is Not Reality: Cognitive Distortions

Starting point is 00:00:00 Welcome to today's episode of the Mindset Mentor Podcast. I am your host, Rob Dial. If you're the type of person who is into neurology, psychology, early childhood development, how all of those things intersect to make you who you are and how to overcome a lot of those things that have been built into you so that you can create the life that you want, hit that subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. I put out episodes four times a week around all of that to help you learn and grow and improve yourself. Today, we're going to be talking about something that's called cognitive distortions. We're going to talk about how your perception is not reality because we all are told, we've heard the phrase, right?

Starting point is 00:00:45 Perception is reality. No, that's not correct. Subjective perception is subjective reality, sure. But your subjective perception is not objective reality. Your perception, most of the times, is not even correct. Your perception is usually not reality. So the thing that's really important, if you were listening to the last episode I put out, which is about programming yourself and how you are programmed throughout your life, what happens is your brain filters and distorts everything that comes into your brain through your senses. And it filters everything through all of your conditionings, all of your programs, all of your patterns, all of the millions of

Starting point is 00:01:30 little teeny tiny experiences that you have had in your entire life. And it filters all of it, and it distorts reality in some sort of way. These are called cognitive distortions. And so it will actually distort reality based off of what's going on in your own head. Cognitive distortions are based on everything that's ever happened to you. And what they tend to do is they're really just biased ways of thinking that tend to reinforce negative thoughts and negative emotions. And that's the important part about it. If these cognitive distortions just made you happier, probably wouldn't be much of a problem. If they made you more successful,

Starting point is 00:02:09 wouldn't be much of a problem, but they tend to go towards the negative side, negative thoughts, negative emotions, because your brain is a protection mechanism. It tends to want to keep you safe and safe is the known and safe means not getting out of your comfort zone and so they tend to be negative so that you're the the negative thought keeps you in the exact same place that you're currently in um and cognitive distortions are very very common in mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression and but even if you don't have anxiety or depression we all have cognitive distortions even if you don't have anxiety or depression we all have cognitive distortions even if you don't have any any mental health diagnosis and so really understanding your

Starting point is 00:02:51 cognitive distortions the way that you perceive reality and how that could be incorrect from actual reality is one of the most critical steps in improving your life and your mental health more anything else and literally creating the life that you want. And so let's dive into it. First off, let's get really clear on what are cognitive distortions. They are irrational, biased thoughts that can perpetuate negative thinking patterns. And so basically, the easiest way to think about it is they are errors in your thinking that can distort your perception of reality. And these distortions tend to be automatic and deeply ingrained into your subconscious. And they often occur without you ever

Starting point is 00:03:33 really even being aware of it. And really what they do is they tend to go unnoticed. And so really what you wanna start doing is start trying to notice them. Start noticing when you feel like maybe you're seeing things differently than they are. I don't know if you've ever had a situation before where you're talking to somebody and you're like talking about something that just happened and they're like, that's not what happened at all. And you're like, yes, it is. And you get

Starting point is 00:03:58 into an argument. And the reason why is because both of you were seeing the world and filtering it through your own filters that you have, through your own patterns, your own programs, your own paradigms, your own identities. And so what happens is both of you are distorting reality. The only way to see who is actually really truly 100% correct is if you had a video camera to actually play back what was happening. And so I want to go through a few different types of cognitive distortions with you. And then we're going to talk about how to work through them. Some of the most common ones, and these are not all of them, but some of the most common ones are these. One of them is something

Starting point is 00:04:31 called all or nothing thinking. It's also known as black and white thinking. And it basically means it's either this or it's that. And it basically is you seeing things in absolute terms. For example, if I'm not perfect, I'm a total failure. Or I didn't get an A on that test, so I must be stupid. Or you miss a deadline at work and it's like, I'm never going to get a promotion. Let's say you're in a new fitness routine and you eat badly, you eat badly one day and it's like, I'm never going to hit my fitness goals. Like it's either a hundred percent or it's zero. That's basically what it means by all or nothing thinking. Another cognitive distortion is something that's called overgeneralization. This one's very similar to the last one,

Starting point is 00:05:20 but not exactly the same thing. It involves you making broad conclusions on one single event. And so it is very similar to all or nothing thinking, but they are two completely different cognitive distortions. For instance, it would be like, I failed at this test, so I'm going to fail all my tests, right? Or I felt awkward at the party, so I'm always awkward in social situations. so I'm always awkward in social situations. Or I failed this one exam, so I'm going to fail all of my exams, right? It's just a overgeneralization.

Starting point is 00:05:52 I remember when I was in, I was brand new as a manager in sales. All of the people used to come in and our team members used to come in and make phone calls. And they would come in and make phone calls and they'd be there for like hours. And I go, hey, how many phone calls did you make? And, um, how many appointments did you book is what I would say. Oh, I haven't booked any appointments. Okay. Why not? Oh, no one's answering their phones right now. And I was like, nobody's answering their phones right now. No, no one's actually

Starting point is 00:06:18 what first thing people would say was they would say nobody's home, right? Which is a complete overgeneralization. Nobody's home. And I was in Fort Lauderdale. And so I was like, hold on, you're telling me that there's over a million people in Broward County and not one person is home? Well, nobody's home, but I mean, there's definitely people home, but out of all the people I called, like no one's answering. No one's answering? Okay. How many people have you called? Oh my gosh, I've called so many people. In the past two hours, how many people have you called? So many. Hey, give me your phone real quick. They give me their phone. I'd be like, you made seven phone calls in the past two hours. So you're making a vast overgeneralization based off of a very small sample size. And so that's very common is what's called a negative mental filter.

Starting point is 00:07:12 And this distortion involves focusing solely on the negative aspect of any situation, and you ignore all of the positive sides of it. You might be like this, but I'm sure you know somebody like this, right? And it could be like somebody makes a, they're like, oh, I made a mistake in my presentation. So the whole presentation was a disaster. Or you get like a work review and it's like, great job, great job, great job, needs improvement, great job, great job. And all you do is you focus on the needs improvement. You completely miss all of the good things and you focus on just the negative thing. Or like, you know, you have a

Starting point is 00:07:50 video that goes viral and you get a thousand positive comments, but there's one negative comment. And two hours later, you're thinking about the one negative comment. I've done this before. I've had videos go viral and there's tons and tons and tons of great positive comments. And then there's always one person. You know what I mean? There's always that one person. And two, three hours later, I'm like, oh, why was that person saying that about me? And I'm like, why am I not paying attention to the 999 positive comments? And I'm focusing on the one negative one, right? So that would be negative mental filter. Or, you know, like you go to a party and you have a great time at a party and you say one weird thing or one thing that could be misconstrued as weird. And you go home and you dwell on the one thing that you said that you regret. And you think everyone must think

Starting point is 00:08:42 you're so awkward versus thinking about, oh my God, I had so much fun. Yeah, I might've said that one off comment, but besides that, everything was amazing. That right there is negative mental filter. It's basically where you're focusing solely on the negative aspects of any situation and ignoring all of the positive ones. Number four, which is not the same thing, but similar as well, is discounting the positive. So this cognitive distortion involves basically dismissing positive experiences by insisting that they don't count. So an example of this would be like, I only did well on that assignment because it was easy. I'm sure everyone did well on it. Or, you know, you do a presentation at work and you get a bunch of great comments and it's like, oh, they only do a presentation at work and you get a bunch of great comments and it's like, oh, they only said great job because they felt bad for me. Or you get a compliment

Starting point is 00:09:30 and you're like, oh, they're just being nice. They don't actually think I look good, right? That's a cognitive distortion. You are discounting the positive. If you're the type of person who has trouble taking compliments from other people, like I see this happen all the time when women, women are very good at giving each other compliments, but they're a lot of times horrible at taking compliments, right? And this is not just women, this is men as well, but I see it a lot more because women tend to be much more positive in their affirmations to each other. But they're like, oh my God, you look so pretty. And they're like, oh, but my ass is fat, right? It's like immediately they go to the negative thing versus actually accepting

Starting point is 00:10:05 the positive compliment. So if you have trouble taking compliments, discounting the positive could be a cognitive distortion of yours. Another one is something called labeling, and it involves attaching a negative label to yourself or to others and actually labeling somebody. So it's like, I'm such an idiot, right? When you screw something up and you think I am an idiot, that's like basically putting a label on yourself. Or maybe you fail a math test and you think I'm terrible at math.

Starting point is 00:10:34 Or you screw up at work and you're like, I'm a terrible accountant. Or you question yourself after that party thing that we were talking about and you're like, I'm so awkward. I'm just ridiculously, I'm always awkward in social situations. Or maybe you lose your temper one time around your children and you think, I'm a terrible parent.

Starting point is 00:10:54 Or you sleep in because you accidentally hit the snooze and you think, I'm lazy, right? That is you labeling yourself and saying saying this is who I am and basically putting on that as as your identity so that's labeling and the last one I'm gonna I'm gonna cover is something called catastrophizing which is also very common as well this cognitive distortion is where a person expects the worst outcome in any situation so imagining the absolute worst that could happen and the problem with this one is, I see a lot of people doing it,

Starting point is 00:11:26 it can lead to a lot more anxiety, more stress, and because of the fact that it tends to be so, it tends to be so bad, like the catastrophizing can be so bad that it makes people feel helpless as well. So it's like, you know, you make a small mistake at work, and it's like, I messed up the entire project. I'm going to get fired or, you know, and if I get fired, then I'm going to live under

Starting point is 00:11:48 a bridge and I'll never get another job. And I'm going to hate myself. And it goes from like one little tiny thing that you did to something that's terrible. I'm sure a lot of you guys know some of you guys have parents that are, that are catastrophizers, right? Let's say, um, you say, we'll go back to saying something awkward at the party, right? And now it's like, everyone thinks I'm an idiot and they're never going to want to talk to me again. That would be an example of taking a small thing

Starting point is 00:12:13 and then catastrophizing it, seeing the absolute worst from it, right? Let's say in, uh, relationships, your partner doesn't reply to your text message for a few hours and you think they must be angry with me and they want to break up that is a these are all examples of catastrophizing so when you look at um cognitive distortions and you know the last episode you can always go back and listen to the last episode i put out which talks about you know the programs that we have why do we have cognitive distortions um really what it comes down to is, it comes down to something that's called secondary gains. It's actually doing something for us. This catastrophizing or labeling or whatever it might be is actually doing something for you. And it's

Starting point is 00:12:57 called secondary gains. Even if we don't know that it is, what it tends to be and what you tend to be gaining is it is a defense mechanism a lot of times in some ways. And it can keep you in your comfort zone so that you feel safe. And it can make us not want to get into another relationship. And the reason why is because deep down again, we don't want to get hurt again. There's always some sort of secondary gain. The problem is in the long run, having these cognitive distortions means not having the life that you want. Like it can make you feel safe right now to catastrophize and then stay in your comfort zone or think that they hate

Starting point is 00:13:37 you and stay in your comfort zone. And right now you can feel safe because you're not getting out of your comfort zone. But in the short run, that's how you feel. But in the long run, they can make you miserable. In the short run, it's a defense mechanism. In the long run, it becomes part of your personality and in turn can completely throw your life off course. And that can turn into depression, anxiety, not reaching your full potential. And so the thing that you want to know about cognitive distortions is that they do have a secondary benefit. There's something behind it there, and it's usually trying to keep you safe, trying to keep you in your comfort zone and not do something different. But in the moment, it feels good, but long-term,

Starting point is 00:14:17 it's not going to help you out. And just remember, short-term avoidance turns into long-term suffering. And so you have short-term avoidance, long-term suffering because you're not doing the things that you want to in life. You're not working harder and putting yourself out there, so you're not getting the promotion that you want. Whatever it might be, there's a lot of different ways it could show up. So then we get to the point, we have these cognitive distortions. How do we get past it? Well, the first thing, as always, is to become aware of it. You need to become aware of your thinking and you need to write them down. And so if you say, I'm so awkward at parties, everyone must think I'm an idiot. Write that phrase down. Take all of the crap that's inside of your head

Starting point is 00:14:55 and put it onto a piece of paper and get really clear on it. And a lot of times when you put it down on paper, you're like, this doesn't make sense. This is one of the things that's so important about journaling and taking all this stuff out of your head and putting it on paper. I had a friend who was going through some stuff and was quite depressive in their thoughts. And I was like, hey, man, why don't you come over and let's talk about it? And they were telling me all these things and they thought all of these things were true. And I was like, okay, hey, let's go ahead and do this. Take 20 minutes and just write down everything that's going on in your head on a piece of paper. Everything that you're saying to yourself on a piece of paper.

Starting point is 00:15:31 He did it. And then he looked at it and he was like, this is stupid. And sometimes just that little bit of distance where you can see it, it's not in your head anymore, really can help you out. So the first thing you really want to do is become aware of your thinking. Get very clear on it. really can help you out. So the first thing you really want to do is become aware of your thinking and very clear on it. The second thing you want to do is just ask yourself, what is the short-term benefit of thinking this thought? Like find that secondary benefit. Is it defending you from something? Is it making you feel safe? Is it making you feel

Starting point is 00:15:58 validated in some way? And just remember that short-term safety turns into a long-term consequence. And so then ask yourself after you've identified what that thing is, what are the long-term consequences of me believing this? And then actually, you know, see what does the next year look like if I don't change? What does the next two years look like if I don't change? The next 10 years, okay? So that's number two. The third one is to challenge the distorted thinking.

Starting point is 00:16:25 Ask yourself, is this absolutely true? Not like, is it true to me, but is it objectively true? Like if I brought a friend in, what would they say? Would they believe the exact same thing or would they have a different perspective? Because if they have a different perspective, then that means that it's not true. It might feel true and it might feel true inside of my head, but it's not objectively true. Okay. So challenge the distorted thinking is number three. Number four is to do what's called opposite thinking. What is the exact opposite of what I'm thinking?

Starting point is 00:17:01 And then you ask yourself, how would my life be different if I believe this instead? So what is the exact opposite of this thinking and how would my life be different if I believe this instead? And then number five is to replace the thought with the thought that you prefer. So ask yourself, instead of thinking this, what would I prefer to think? And you write that thought down. And then you really, what you do is you try to get that one to be your thought. And when you notice, it's not going to get the cognitive distortion is going to disappear. So when you notice, I always say you can't control your first thought, but you can always control your second thought. But if you make your second thought, your second thought long enough, eventually it will become

Starting point is 00:17:39 your first thought. But you know, the, the, the, the programs are running. You're going to be thinking these things automatically. When they come up, replace it. When it comes up, replace it. When it comes up, replace it. And just really start to challenge your thoughts. Have opposite thinking and replace your thoughts with what it is that you prefer. Because you might think that what you think is true, that it is absolute reality. But it's so funny. I always say people's beliefs and people's perspectives are like a house of cards. You just need one good flick

Starting point is 00:18:09 and the entire thing comes crumbling down. And so when you start to challenge yourself, really, you can start to change yourself. And so that's what I got for you for today's episode. If you love this episode, please share it on Instagram stories, tag me in it, Rob Dowd Jr. Also, if you love this podcast,

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Starting point is 00:19:33 episode. Make it your mission to make someone else's day better. I appreciate you and I hope that you have an amazing day.

The Mindset Mentor - Your Perception Is Not Reality: Cognitive Distortions

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