The Moth - The Moth Radio Hour: Live from Anchorage

Episode Date: September 3, 2024

This week, a special episode of The Moth Radio Hour—featuring a live Mainstage show from Anchorage, Alaska. Family ties, king salmon, and cheese. Hosted by Jacoby Cochran with additional hosting by Moth Executive Producer, Sarah Austin Jenness. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by The Moth and Jay Allison of Atlantic Public Media.Storytellers:For the first time in his life, Lamar Sloss feels in over his head. Poet Laureate of Wisconsin, Dasha Kelly Hamilton, makes a move.Monica Woo contends with the loss of her brother.Podcast # 883

This autumn, fall for Moth Stories as we travel across the globe for our main stages. We're excited to announce our fall lineup of storytelling shows from New York City to Iowa City, London, Nairobi, and so many more. The Moth will be performing in a city near you, featuring a curation of true stories. The Moth main stage shows feature five tellers who share beautiful, unbelievable, hilarious, and often powerful true stories on a common theme. Each one told reveals something new about our shared connection. To buy your tickets or find out more about our calendar, visit themoth.org slash mainstage. We hope to see you soon. From PRX, this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Sarah Austin-Giness.

This time we have a live main stage from the Atwood Concert Hall in Anchorage, Alaska, which was supported by the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media. The show took place in February and it was cold outside, but as you'll hear the crowd of almost 2,000 was very warm. The theme was Twist of Fate and these stories are all from folks who moved to Alaska at some point in their lives. Here's our host for the night, writer and educator,

Jacoby Cochran. Oh my god, y'all are beautiful tonight. And to be real with you, I can't actually see most of you. It's very dark. It's hard as hell to get to this place, but once you get here, it's pretty damn nice. but once you get here, it's pretty damn nice. This is the sixth time we've hosted a main stage here in Anchorage, but make some noise if this is your very first time seeing the Moth Live.

This is my very first time, not only in the great state of Alaska, but in Anchorage. And the truth is, I didn't think that I'd ever have an opportunity to visit this place. Right? Growing up on the South Side, we don't see mountains. We do not discuss nature. The closest I ever got to outdoors was them Girl Scout cookies I bought two weeks ago.

And they was good. Make some noise for all of our storytellers who are going to get up here tonight. The theme this evening is Twist of Fate. All of the stories you hear tonight are gonna be about the unexpected, things that people did not see coming. All of our storytellers have a great bio in your program but we're not gonna read their bio to you. We're gonna introduce them by way of a question and that question is what was something you did not see coming?

When I asked our first storyteller tonight, what was something you didn't see coming? They simply said, being here tonight. Make some noise for the one and only Lamar Sloss. I grew up with a single mom at home and I only saw my dad probably on the weekends every now and then. And even though I grew up with a lot of love and affection, I missed my dad at home and always wondered what kind of dad I would be. And because my mom was working, I got to spend a lot of time with my grandmother

so she could get a break probably from my brother and I. And I remember sitting at her house some mornings and watching the prices right as I eat a fried bologna egg and cheese sandwich. A little grape jelly on the side because I had a very sophisticated palate as a young man. And I probably end up taking a nap watching the younger restless in the afternoon. And if I was lucky enough,

she would make me my favorite soulful meal of fried chicken and hot water cornbread, which is boiling water and cornbread. And you you zip into the fryer enough some of these northerners know about that, but good to be soaping up the the mac and cheese and green beans on the side, so she was always a phenomenal cook, but she always knew how to make a little extra money on the side and in the summer months in Tennessee where the air was so thick you could chew on it and walk outside and upper lip start sweating. She

would sell fish sandwiches and popsicles and cold drinks to kids around the neighborhood. I remember helping her run these orders out and seeing how elated these kids were to have a cold treat on these hot muggy days. One day I took it upon myself to follow in her entrepreneurial footsteps and took a box of chocolate that she was selling for a church fundraiser to my Christian middle school. And I remember doing so good, I was

taking a lot of my classmates' lunch money and eventually we'd get shut down because apparently you can't take chocolate and sell it at school, even if it is in the name of Jesus. Apparently you can't take chocolate and sell it at school even if it is in the name of Jesus. I ended up going to business school because I had dreams of going to Wall Street and taking everybody's lunch money. Somehow I ended up back home living with my mom and not really sure what I was going to do. I ended up working at this crepe cafe in my hometown. And I made a lot of money, a good $12 an hour plus tips.

So you can imagine my mom's disdain for me taking this position. But this is where I fell in love with food industry and just crepes in general. There's something about spinning the crepes and the steam rising up and you filling them with sweet and savory fixings that really captivated me. But I think something else that made me stick around was this fair-skinned, blue-eyed Alaskan girl, the name is Samantha, that I

would meet that also worked there. And somehow she talked me into moving up here and that's how I'm here today. Yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah. I worked in a lot of food places coming up here because it's easy to get a job in the food industry and as I continued working for a while, I missed making those crepes.

So I talked my wife and mother into getting me two crème poiret French crepe makers for Christmas and I think they lived on my home counter for several months before I ended up doing anything with them other than making breakfast for myself and the fam. And we started doing pop-ups around town and eventually business was going well enough that I decided that I would quit my job and start making these crepes full-time. So everything was going great. I was probably top of the world, you know, being a young business owner

and still figuring out how to make money, but happy nonetheless making these crepes. And one day my wife says that she wants a baby, so I think like most guys, we just kind of follow along and start practicing. And ended up having a son later that year. And this is when I first get to try this dad thing out. My wife goes on maternity leave and because my schedule is so flexible being an entrepreneur, I get to stay at home with him during the days.

And we just would do my events in the evening. So I would do the bottles and the diapers and get to take the midday naps with them, which is always a pleasure. And occasionally we would go out to the Costco with all the other stay at home moms and get some weird looks going around, like what's this young man doing on a Tuesday here at Costco.

But some people would give you a little head nod out of respect and some people would be like, okay, where's your wife? And, you know, I'm going to say I'm on dad duty today and you kind of see the look of surprise and, you know, it's cool to see a dad maybe with a toddler, but most people don't see a dad with a six-month-old out in the store. So, we would, Eliza would then come with me to the shop and we would, as I was prepping, I'd set him on the table in his car seat and work on whatever the menu items were that day.

And he occasionally would come with me to a pop-up. And it's one in particular as I usually rapid-lize on my chest and a little baby Moby. And as he's sitting there, I'm greeting guests and spinning crepes and serving the food. And I kind of looked down at him. He's thinking he's probably falling asleep at this time. And I just kind of think like, wow, am I really a young black man here in Alaska making crepes with a baby on my chest?

It's not really what I imagined. But life was good, business kept growing. And we lived like this for a little bit until the spring of 2020 when the coronavirus stepped on the scene and crepes not being an essential business, and maybe I think they should have been. I really became a stay-at-home dad at that time and watched my son, Elijah, full-time. All this was cool for a while, you know, got to take the naps and play a lot of video games.

Call of Duty War Zone came out, so got a lot of dubs. And, but eventually grew a little tired of just hanging out and took a page out of my nanny's book and started cooking food for family and friends to make a little extra money. So I made some fried chicken and some hot water cornbread and sweet potatoes with marshmallows and the mac and cheese, which is considered a vegetable in the South, if you didn't know.

And Elijah, while he was a little too young to run food, he would help do some quality control and taste testing in his high chair. Until, and this is how it went for a while, until one day I got a call that the local cheese shop was closing from Maggio's. And the owner Helen called and said, you know, she's selling some equipment and she'd like me to come check it out.

And I didn't have a kitchen at the time, but I just, you know, I was going to go support and see maybe I can get like a table or a refrigerator to store for later. And as we're walking around the place, she says, you know, I didn't think about this before, but what do you think about taking over the cheese shop? And I had never thought about taking over a cheese shop. I don't think many people do. But, and so for one, I didn't know much about cheese other than, you know, your basic cheddar, Gouda, Swiss,

maybe a blue and brie. And two, I was a little lactose sensitive, so I don't think I was the prime candidate for this position. Anyway, I ended up, after a long seven days of deliberation, deciding that we would take over the shop. And before I knew it, I had signed a lease and was in there learning probably too much about cheese.

I mean, like, did you know that there was like a blue goat cheese from France or like a five year cheddar or how toothsome a Gouda could be? It's not, it was a little different dialogue than I grew up with, but it was fun nonetheless. And business was great. We actually did more business than they had done, not was fun nonetheless, and business was great. We actually did more business than they had done, not the COVID year, but the year before.

And I was at the top of the world, so my wife says, it's a good time to ask for another baby. And she ends up getting pregnant, and we go to this ultrasound appointment, and as the doctor's looking at her belly, I remember her saying, oh, you know, it's two. And out of shock, I think we thought she was talking about two o'clock in the afternoon, but it was we got lucky and had a two for one and got to have twins on the way.

And I remember, yeah, pretty cute. And I remember as a kid, my mom would say, I would always tell her, I got this, I got this. And most of my life, moving to Alaska, starting the crate business, reopening the cheese shop during pandemic, I did feel like I had this. And up until this point where I was like, okay, it might be an over my head here with twins.

And fortunately, the shop was doing well and we have some systems in place so my wife would return to work and I would be doing the stay-at-home dad again fortunately I did have some help my mother-in-law was off or she had just newly retired and I would watch them a few days a week and she would watch another few days so typical day on daddy duty at my house is my wife goes to work try to cook a little breakfast and coffee get her out the house and have some alone time before mayhem starts and twins wake up or Elijah depending on the day and you know while balancing feeding the bottles and getting Elijah his

breakfasts changing some diapers and getting everybody loaded up and then doing Eliza's hair because it's out of control. We drop him off at daycare and no longer really go to Costco anymore but we go to the airport to pick up cheese and it's kind of obvious when I'm pushing a double stroller in you get some funny looks from people and ladies obviously look at them, but then there's some like, you know, where's your wife?

Are you doing this by yourself? I'm like, oh yeah, we got this, you know, and now anyway. And some guys, you know, get a little nod of respect from some of the cargo guys who have kids at home, which is always a good little pump up. But this is definitely the most trying time in my life. And we're beyond sleep deprived at this point. I think Navy SEALs go through hell week. We're in hell like season at this point.

With balancing operating a cheese shop that I know very little about, and supporting my wife post-pregnancy with the toddler still running around getting potty trained, we went, somebody said it best, you go from two or one to three in this case, you go from man to man to zone defense and that couldn't be more true in our situation. Nevertheless nevertheless, we persevered. And as one day I'm double fisting, bringing my twins, August and Abram, into the cheese shop. The boys, as we call them, come help me unload.

And as they're playing with my boys, I kind of sit down and wish Nanny could kind of see me now and all the love and affection that she'd given. And I realized that I had become the dad that I wanted. And not only the dad I wanted, but the dad I never have and maybe the model for or blueprint for what dads can be. Thank you. Make some noise for Lamar, y'all. Lamar Sloss is still operating from Maggio's Artisan Cheese in Anchorage.

After 10 years in the culinary world, he's still passionate about bringing new and old-world cheeses and charcuterie to isolated Alaskans. He's also taught us at the Moth what a toothsome cheese is. It's chewy. Thanks, Lamar. To see photos of Lamar, his wife Samantha, and their three children at Costco, in Nature, and in the Cheese Shop, go to themoth.org. In a moment, the Poet Laureate of Wisconsin is asked to move to Anchorage for love. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

As the executive producer of The Moth, I travel many times a year to direct Moth mainstage shows and meet new storytellers. From the markets of Nairobi to the beaches of Australia and the historic streets of London, I love meeting locals and finding new stories to share on Moth mainstages. While I'm away, hosting my apartment on Airbnb would be a great way to make some extra income and share my home with travelers who will love it as much as I do, during date ranges that work with my schedule. Have you thought about hosting with Airbnb?

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Sarah Austin-Giness. We're bringing you stories from our main stage show in Anchorage, Alaska, with the theme, Twist of Fate. Our host for the evening is Jacoby Cochran. I hope you all have been enjoying yourself thus far. When I asked our next storyteller,

what was something you did not see coming, she told me, these damn hot flashes. Make some noise for our next storyteller, Dasha, Kelly, Hamilton, make some noise, y'all. I met my husband at a spoken word festival in San Francisco. He was living here in Anchorage and I was living in Milwaukee. So we dated long distance for a couple of years and then finally decided to get married

in Homer, Alaska. And the plan was to live in Milwaukee for a few years and then move to Anchorage. And you know that feeling you get on Thursday about those Friday plans you made way, way, way back on Monday? I was starting to get that feeling inside when it was my turn to move to Anchorage. And not for any small feat, I was in the middle of my term as a poet laureate for the city of Milwaukee

and had just been named laureate for the entire state of Wisconsin. And I had every intention of keeping my word. The promise that I made to my husband when we made this wedding plan was that I would not do a bait and switch when it was my turn to move. And I'm not gonna walk away from a laureateship in 20 years of really really really hard work. So we agreed that we would live

separately for my two-year term and then Rona showed up. So with everything else in the world going virtual I thought maybe this laureateship could do the same. So I made this pitch to the laureate commissioner and I just remember him blinking really really hard. Now my thing is, look, I'm not the governor or anything, but I understand that nobody wants their state rep of any kind not in the state. But I made the case for doing everything virtually and he ultimately agreed, but told me to keep my Alaska profile low. Cool.

So I moved to Anchorage under the cover of COVID. Now, going from regular visitor to resident was different. And I wanted to like this city that my husband loved so much. Especially because he really went all in and embraced Milwaukee and Milwaukee statistically remains one of the five worst cities in America for black people to exist. Not kidding. Black men especially. So it was no small feat that he came and made a home and a life there and he actually thrived there. But I don't know if I could thrive here. First of all, everything that anybody really wants to do happens outside.

And anything that happens inside is decorated like outside with wood panels and bear paws and moose antlers everywhere. Everywhere, really everywhere. And the summers. I firmly believe that summers are meant for sandals and sundresses. My first summer it did not crack 70 degrees. My husband and his friends got us out here camping and having cookouts and going to the beach and carrying on. Like they don't know these are hot water, hot air activities. Why do I have all that hoodie right now? So picture me, I'm dressed like February in July, and I am just silently glaring out of the window.

And my husband comes to the room and sees this and he says, you know what? Let's go fishing. Now there's nobody else in the house. But I'm looking around anyway, because he can't be talking. He's not. He is talking to me. Oh, this is a desperate man right now. OK, what's one more Alaskan disappointment?

If it will please my wonderful husband and give him one less day of worrying of whether I'm secretly planning to move back to Milwaukee. Now he knows I wouldn't do that, but we both know I could be thinking about it a lot. My husband is the only important thing to me that's here. My work and my friends and my family and my community and my attention and my summertime, everything is not here. But we're here together. So I've got on fishing waders,

fuchsia lipstick and a hot pink hoodie with Alaska across the front. So my husband has experienced fishing, but he's not experienced. But he knows enough to get me started. So we get down to Ships Creek, which is this channel of waterways where the ocean kind of touches downtown. And I'm really surprised at how many people are down here after work. So my husband gets me set up and he tells me to cast. And so I cast once, tug twice, reel it back.

Well actually the first time was kind of a flood because I was nervous I'm gonna cut my finger and I realized no, that's Dasha, that's piano wire, not fishing wire. Get over yourself, get it done. So my second cast tugged twice, reel it back. My husband is behind me bending over getting his gear together and when I call his name he assumed that I had gotten caught on a branch or something but when he turned around the girl's pulling a fish. Salmon fish. So we come in we're excited we lay it down know, take my little fishy selfies and

everything. And there are these two women who had come down to Ships Creek at the same time that we did. We had all walked down from the main road together. And one of them came over to me and said, hey, do you live here? Yes. I look at my husband and he explains, she's asking because you need to be an Alaskan resident to catch a king. Did you know that there were different kinds of

salmon? I did not. So this woman wants to say so much, but she can see that my husband and I are clearly winging this thing 1,000%. So instead she just takes a breath and says, you really wanna bleed that now. Otherwise the meat might be affected. I'm sorry ma'am, what? She takes out a baton and a knife out of her waiter belt. She bends down, clunks a fish in my head,

slices the gill, reaches in, snatches out this blood sack, and leaves me to sit with this draining fish for the rest of the afternoon. Cause the law says when you catch a king salmon, you're done for the day. So, I'm sitting back, and I'm making a point not to be camped out on my phone. You know, everybody else is fishing.

So I'm just sitting, watching, taking in all of this scenery, all of this active quiet. So on the drive home, my husband and I are just cracking up at how silent the river got when I caught my fish. All that cheering for everybody else, crickets for me. He said, yeah, babe, I think it was a sweatshirt. I was like the sweatshirt goes yeah we can spot tourists a mile away no one who lives here would ever wear one of those airport sweatshirts. Excuse me sir you

bought this for me. He said yeah when you were out there living like a tourist in Milwaukee never here. Whatever. So for the next few days, I got a kick out of listening to my husband retell my fishing story. So I felt like a little kid though, had made the grownups laugh, but wasn't really sure about how that happened. I just knew that I had caught a fish. So I decided to take those pictures

and post them on the internet anyway. I was just banking on the fact that Wisconsin eyes would just see that and see that I was living the dream, you know, catching salmon in Alaska, you know, like a vacation. But of course, I wasn't on vacation. I was at my new home. And Rona was releasing her chokehold on the world and

now I had to plan in-person events back in Wisconsin. So I've been living in this double loophole, one for my laureateship and now one for my marriage. I'd figured out how I would be in Wisconsin for the busy seasons, in the fall and the spring, to be available for appearances and such, and be here in Alaska in the winter and the summer. So it wasn't exactly a bait and switch, but it also wasn't our deal. So my husband suggested that to get our mind off

of all of these sliding plans, that we take a road trip down to Seward. And it is a beautiful drive. It's about two hours with the mountains on one side and the bay on the other. And we're going down to go snagging. The weather was still horrible. I'm still in a hoodie.

I was just down for the road trip. So for snagging for the uninitiated is imprecise fishing. Imagine a one inch lead ball with four, three or four hooks welded into it. And instead of hooking the fish in the mouth, you cast out this ball and you snag the fish anywhere in its body. So I'm now in chest waders for this trip

and I'm standing waist deep at the edge of the ocean and there's mountains on this way so I cast this way a little bit and there are eagles on this side and I cast the way for a little bit seals are popping up here and there beautiful quiet and then a salmon yanks your line and this sucker's trying to make a run for it so now you have to reel faster and pull back harder so you can make sure that you're trying to keep the fish a little bit above water level so it doesn't swim and get away. And I am doing all of this walking backwards about 50 yards. Why? Because I didn't know about tides. I didn't notice that the ocean had crept in on me and land was much further away than when I had started.

I lost a couple of fish with this method, but I snatched four salmon out of the water that day. I probably caught 12 salmon over the course of that summer, and next summer I'd caught maybe two dozen salmon. of that summer and next summer I caught maybe two dozen salmon. So the woman that had come to approach me that day took my number, maybe to keep an eye on me or maybe she saw herself in me. It turns out that she is a former salmon derby winner here and it turns out that she's a pretty solid human being. We've actually become pretty good friends. So we both count down the months to salmon season and we both fish with lipstick. Now ironically we don't

fish together very often mostly just checking in on each other on our progress. I will grab a pole and go down to the creek a couple of times a week. Most times I come back without a fish but every time I come back with a different clearing. You couldn't have told me that I would have enjoyed fishing, but I found it to be this active meditation. I'm moving, but I'm not. When I'm in Wisconsin, I realize I'm on the go all the time, 24-7.

I got to. And when I'm here, I'm at rest. I need that too. So I still am not a fan of all of the ubiquitous moose decor. My sandals and sundresses are still in storage back in Milwaukee. But I promise you, I have two Alaskan traditions down pat, fishing and love. Thank you. Give it up for Dasha, y'all. Give it up for Dasha, y'all. Dasha Kelly Hamilton has authored award-winning poetry, essays, and fiction, and her work as an arts envoy for the U.S. Embassy has brought her to Botswana, Mauritius, and Beirut.

She's an alum of HBO's Deaf Poetry Jam and poet laureate emerita for both the city of Milwaukee and the State of Wisconsin. Her show, Makin' Cake, is touring now. And yes, you will still find her standing in waiters, fishing in Alaska every summer she can. To see videos of her in action, go to themoth.org. After our break a woman who grew up in Anchorage returns after decades to put the pieces back when the Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX. This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Sarah Austin-Giness.

In this episode, we're hearing stories from our main stage show in Anchorage, Alaska, which was supported by the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media. Here's our host, Jacoby Cochran. and Alaska Public Media. Here's our host, Jacoby Cochran. And before we bring our final storyteller up here tonight, I want everybody to just sort of look to your left and to your right. You're the reason that this show has been going so damn well

thus far. Because not only have these storytellers come up here and shared a little bit of themselves, but you've listened with such an incredible amount of energy and passion and support and so make some noise for yourself and all the people sitting around you. When I asked our final storyteller, what was something you didn't see coming? She said, two days ago, I ran into the wall at the hotel and I got the black and blue on my face to show it.

Everybody make some noise for tonight's final storyteller, Monica Wu. It was September 7th 1989. A phone call woke me up at 2 a.m. at my New Jersey apartment. My mother was screaming on the other end, Joe, Jeannie, 殺誰了?殺誰了? Joe, Jeannie, kill, kill. It was only after a few minutes that I understood that my older brother Joe and his two-year-old daughter Jeannie were shot in their own home in Anchorage, Alaska, here.

I had not been back to Anchorage for 15 years. I had no choice but to go home and help my family. During the long flight to Anchorage, I couldn't stop thinking about my brother and our past together. He loved to eat, cuss, and tell jokes. He wanted to be a comedian. He adored our younger brother Victor, who was 20 years his junior, and he loved to gamble. I was totally different. I was top student, I was serious, I wanted to win the Nobel Prize. My brother could get very cruel and tease me. Oh, you ugly bookworm, you'll never be able to find a husband. I wish my brother could show me some love. Our family were Chinese pioneers to move from Hong Kong to Anchorage in 1968 when oil was

first discovered at Prudhoe Bay. My father bought a hole-in-the-wall restaurant called the Chinese Kitchen on Spenard Road. Almond chicken, egg foo yung. Our business ran very well except when Joe disappeared on his gambling binges and didn't show up for work. My father and Joe fought constantly. One day I saw Joe going after my father with a kitchen cleaver. I thought he was going to kill my father. One very busy Saturday evening, Joe disappeared again. And I noticed this light coming out of my parents' bedroom.

Joe was rummaging through the dresser drawer. On the bed were money and jewelry. I yelled at him, You stealing again? You disgrace! He lunged at me, hit me hard straight between the eyes, and then he stopped. His nostrils flared like Chinese food dogs. His eyes were a mixture of hurt and rage. Then I heard dad shouting from behind me, leave or we'll call the police. Dad was pointing a gun at Joe. Mom stood beside him crying. Joe cursed back, fuck you all, I'm leaving, you're not my family. He stormed

out. That was the last time I saw my brother alive. That night I wish I didn't have an older brother. As soon as I could enter university, I left Anchorage and avoided coming home. 15 years later, I was back on Alaskan Airlines and headed to Anchorage Airport. The minute I disembarked, I rushed straight to the Providence Hospital. When I entered the ICU room full of strangers, someone whispered, A nurse placed a tiny bundle in my arms.

I had never met my niece Jeannie, only recognized her from pictures. Around her head was a big thick bandage. I averted my gaze from the bullet hole on her forehead. I averted my gaze from the bullet hole on her forehead. I held Jeannie tightly, felt her breathing so faintly, and then Jeannie died in my arms. I felt so unworthy of my niece, who waited so long to say goodbye to an aunt she had never met. I felt so ashamed of leaving Alaska. My whole family was falling apart. My parents slept day and night.

I was not ready for the business of death. And I was overwhelmed by social workers, morticians and journalists chasing the year's most sensational story. And I was in touch with the Anchorage police, especially Detective Ken. I tried to hunt down gambling haunts where Joe frequented on Spenard and on 4th Avenue. Soon after, the police developed a short list of suspects, but seemed to focus on one man. His name was Ming.

He was a Taiwanese national. The police showed me his picture, and wondered if my family knew him. We did not. The funeral was standing room only. It seemed like all of Anchorage's Chinese community was there. The funeral service was chaotic, free-spirited, and beautiful. Just like my brother.

I was so surprised how many friends Joe had, and was so touched by the stories of his acts of kindness, especially working at the soup kitchen. A middle-aged man came over and told me his story. He was homeless and frequented the soup kitchen where Joe worked. One day, Joe took his hand, placed it on his big belly, and said, Here man, rub my Buddha belly. It will bring you good luck. Don't you worry. And gave the man $50.

For the first time, I learned to appreciate a side of my brother that I didn't know. I wish I could have showed him more love. My younger brother and I approached the open casket. Jeannie laid on top of her father's chest. She was dressed in pink satin with a white sash. Joe's lifeless arm held his daughter's tiny body. I had not seen my brother for 15 years. I wanted to see him alive. I wanted to see his eyes open, not close shut. I wanted to hear his laughter, even his cusses. I wanted to rub his Buddha belly.

Victor and I paid our respects the Chinese way. We knelt in front of a casket, bowed our heads three times deeply. I needed some air so I went to the back. Standing beside me was an Asian man. He was the man in the police picture. He was the prime in the police picture. He was the prime suspect. Ming, my legs started shaking. I thought immediately of sat jute, the Chinese gang tradition of exterminating the victim's entire family.

Then Detective Ken stepped in between Ming and me. When I was finally able to take a breath, I was so ashamed of my brother's dysfunctional life and blamed him for his daughter's death. I went back east to my corporate career. I did not follow the developments in Anchorage at all. My family told me that Ming was finally convicted and was sentenced to 198 years in prison for two counts of first-degree murder. The motive was a gambling debt

that drove old Ming for $1,450. For many years I did not mention Joe and Jeannie and was hoping that detachment would dull my pain and my shame. Then one day, recently, my younger brother Victor called. He wanted to visit Anchorage, but had forgotten where the cemetery was. I remember that years ago, I had shipped a box back from Anchorage. I opened the box up, took out the obituary and the funeral registry. Reading through the registry, I was reminded of how the entire Anchorage community

of all races and cultures rallied behind my brother. I wanted to know more. I got the case file from the Anchorage trial courts. in Anchorage trial courts, I read through the crime scene descriptions over and over again. I traced my thumbs on the fingerprints of Ming captured in the court records and wondered, what exactly happened that night.

I'll never know the details, but I do know in my heart that my brother, until his very last breath, did everything he could to save his daughter. There's one more item in the box from Alaska. It is a native Alaskan bracelet made with walrus ivory. Each link has the carving of an arctic animal. Walrus, whale, eagle.

The bracelet was a gift from Joe to me for my 16th birthday. In the Japanese art tradition of kintsugi, broken pieces of pottery are put back together with lacquer and powdered gold. A beautiful new piece of art is created with its own unique legacy. All these years I refused to mend my brother's shattered life with love and compassion.

I shoved away the pieces which were scorned. Tonight, wearing my brother's bracelet, I reclaim my past and I forgive my shame for leaving Alaska to save myself. Tonight by embracing my brother's scars and wounds, I ask for his forgiveness and I forgive him. Thank you. Make some more noise for Monica, y'all. Monica Wu has held senior executive roles at global corporations for four decades, where she says she's worked with fascinating and flawed individuals. She's a published author and a proud Moth mainstage storyteller. By sharing her stories, she hopes to convince all people that life is not about survival

of the fittest, but about evolution into better versions of ourselves. You can see photos of Monica and her family at themoth.org. Here's Jacoby Cochran to close us out. It has truly been one of the pleasures of my life to spend just a few hours with all of you to take in your energy and your embrace. I hope each of you make it home safe tonight. Send me a text when you get home, all right? Y'all have a good one and we'll see you next year. To hear other stories from Alaska and from our archives, and for information on live

events and the Moth Podcast, and to pitch us your own story, go to themoth.org. That's it for this episode of the Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time. This live Anchorage show was hosted by Jacoby Cochran. Jacoby is the award-winning host of City Cash Chicago, Chicago's favorite daily news podcast. And you can also catch him discussing news, sports, and culture on Chicago's NPR and PBS stations. This episode of the Moth Radio Hour was produced by me, Jay Allison, and Sarah Austin-Giness, who also hosted, and directed

the stories in the show, along with Kate Tellers. Co-producer is Vicki Merrick, associate producer, Emily Couch. The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Marina Clucce, Leanne Gulley, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Casa. Moth Stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour are from Regina Carter, Galt McDermott, and Phil Cooke. Thanks again to the Anchorage Concert Association and Alaska Public Media.

We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts, The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented by PRX. For more about our go to our website, themoth.org.