The Moth - The Moth Radio Hour: Punks, Blessings, Burlesque and Lotus Flowers

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

In this episode, five strangers redefine themselves and family in the face of their past. This episode is hosted by Moth Senior Curatorial Producer, Suzanne Rust. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by The Moth and Jay Allison of Atlantic Public Media Hosted by: Suzanne Rust Eddy Laughter sees her future at her first concert. Christopher Brune-Horan finds sanctuary in an unlikely location. Louise Newton-Keogh learns an important lesson about controlling the universe. Pauline Nguyen reconciles with a harbinger of fear. Denise Bledsoe Slaughter gets a second mother when she needs it most.

Attention Houston! You have listened to our podcast and our radio hour, but did you know the Moth has live storytelling events at Wearhouse Live? The Moth has opened Mike's storytelling competitions called Story Slams that are open to anyone with a five-minute story to share on the night's theme. Upcoming themes include love hurts, stakes, clean, and pride. GoodLamoth.org forward slash Houston to experience a live show near you. That's theMoth.org forward slash Houston. From PRX, this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm your host, Suzanne Rust, the Moth's curatorial producer.

Sometimes people ask me what Moth stories are about. I tell them they are really about everything and anything, which explains the title of this episode, Punks, Blessings, Burlesque and Lotus Flowers. Like this title, Moth stories are like life itself. A variety show with every act imaginable. But what often unites them are common themes, like self-discovery, finding sanctuary, learning to forgive and acknowledging blessings of different kinds. Our first story is from Eddie Laughter, who discovers just what she needs in a most unlikely

place. She told this story at our Moth Teacher Institute. Here's Eddie. Applause. I'm on my way to see live music for the first time, and I'm so much more anxious than I think I have any right to be, because this band I'm about to see, I'm completely and utterly obsessed with, and I have seen every interview YouTube will physically

let me watch, and I listened to them so much at this point. It's probably doing something unhealthy to me. I don't know how that would work, but it's happening. And when I listen to this because when I listen to them all of a sudden, I feel like I'm big and like I'm powerful and like nothing can touch me when I'm walking down the street, which is really not something I feel at this, like ever at this point in my life and I feel like so small and clunky, and like, I don't fit into my own body right, and I'm kind of starting to think that the middle school mentality that I'll never fit in

to any scenario I go to is just gonna be how I live my life, and I feel like I just have to accept this at this point. So it doesn't make any sense that I'm this anxious to see this band, but I'm trying to think about what I can expect, and I'm just kind of thinking about how in movies, punk shows are always a bunch of loud, aggressive, intoxicated white boys. And that doesn't really seem like my scene.

And I'm spiraling a bit. And I'm looking around on the train. I see this girl who's about 9 or 11. I don't know how age works. But she's there, and she's with her dad. And I'm like, wonder if they're going to the punk show. And then more of a mess, and I'm still spiraling. And then I get off the train, and we get to the venue, and it doesn and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then, So I go up and talk to my eighth grade math teacher. Because that's what he wants spend his Friday.

And I get up to him and it was a lot less awkward than you would think. And he asked me about music and what bands I listen to and I forget. Every single band I've ever heard of ever. And I'm like, this one. And thankfully I'm interrupted by the first band that's up. And they have this very, they introduce themselves and they have this very nice welcoming speech about just like accepting everyone who's at the show And I'm like, oh, well, and then they start screaming and they sound like they're wounded animals And but then there's a weird pop music playing underneath it and they're still screaming and then after each song ends the front person goes

Thank you and then continue screaming for the next song and it's awesome And then this goes on for a bit and it stops and then I kind of creep out of the corner that I'm in. And the next band is up. And they again start screaming, of course, as you do. And then, but these guys, they legitimately sound like they're demons. And just from how they're moving to the way this man's eyes look, and whatever the noise is that's coming out of him.

And for some reason, I start to relax a bit and people are starting to dance around me and in this sort of way where it feels like there's a big sense of unity in the room and I don't know where that's coming from. And then my band has gone up to two in their instruments and I'm like, and then I text my friend and I'm like, I see the front woman and she's like, ah, and I'm like, ah, this is all over text. And I'm so excited. And I can feel everyone else is just as excited as I am.

And it feels like the room is buzzing, which is so crazy, because no one's ever excited about what I'm excited about. And then they start playing. And it's like all of the air and sound gets sucked out of the room and we're all watching them. And we're all just so excited to be there but it's like beyond excitement at this point and it's like everybody is where I am in my head right now and I we're all just there together and we're all having the same experience and they start to play

more songs and they start to like get into the music a little bit more and everyone else around me is doing that as well and they start to like get into the music a little bit more and everyone else around me is doing that as well and they start to play my favorite songs and currently everybody else's favorite song is two and then people are trying to dance more more and there's this woman in front of me and all she's doing is like jumping up and down which in any other context would look ridiculous

but it doesn't at all look ridiculous now and like I can do that too so I start to like move and like jump around a bit and then I get that same sense of power and freedom that I get when I listen to it normally, but it's like fresher or it was like revived or something and then someone kind of nudges me and like pushes me out of the way

and like takes my front middle spot and I'm about to like get internally offended because conflict is scary. And, but then I just see that this woman was just making space for her girlfriend to go up next to her. And I'm like, this is a room full of punk queer women. And I just, I didn't know that was a thing. And I just need a minute to sit and process that.

And I look around and I see the girl from the train sitting on her dad's shoulders with these big clunky headphones, so her ears don't get all messed up. And I would think that it would be weird for a kid to be here, but she looks like she's exactly where she's supposed to be. And I feel, and I start to realize that I feel like I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, too. And so I just let myself hold on to that.

And the last thing I want to do was run away and hide in the corner. And I really feel like I belong here. And I'm so happy. And I've never felt this kind of happy before. And then the band is still in a show, and there's a mosh pit that's forming next to me, which I don't go over.

I don't go in, because I would get squashed like a little tiny person pancake. But I'm on the side of it, and I can still feel all of the energy from it. And I'm still riding off of that excitement that I'm feeling and that everybody else is feeling as previously mentioned and then eventually the band and they stop playing and I feel and I come back to my body and I really don't want to leave the room but I realize that I have to and I kind of look at the front woman

and I'm like, ah, and then I leave and get on the subway and I'm looking at all these other people who are at the show with me and I can tell because they're holding like little various bits of merch or whatnot. And I'm looking at them and I'm realizing that I'm they're all like me in some way and in so many different ways they're like me, which I really didn't think was a thing and I didn't I didn't realize that I had something to grow up into before. I don't think was a thing and I didn't realize that I had something to grow up into before. I don't really know what I thought would happen to me, but I just never had an image that my life would go somewhere

and I could stay being like the weirdo person I am and have it make sense in the world around me. And I started to realize that the small feeling that I'm holding onto, I don't need it anymore and I never needed it and that I'm holding on to, I don't need it anymore. And I never needed it. And that I'm not that small person. And I'm not going to be small forever and I don't need to be, and that I'm going to be

okay. And it's just so crazy to think about. Thank you. That was Eddie Laughter. Eddie is a Brooklynite and a student at Smith College where she studies different forms of storytelling as well as what the moon looks like in low light pollution. We're proud to say that Eddie is also one of the Moths education program alumni teaching interns. Eddie was just 15 when she attended that concert and in case you were wondering,

the band was a screaming females. I have to Google them. There's still one of her favorite groups and listening to them brings her a lot of joy and comfort. Here's a taste of their music. To see photos of Eddie on her way to a screaming female's concert, go to our web extras at TheMoth.org. Next up, a Broadway debut of Swartz and a hidden talent when the Moth Radio Hour continues. The Malt Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts

and presented by PRX. This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Suzanne Rust. This next story is about a young man's growing awareness of his sexuality and might not be suitable for everyone. So if that's you or those around you, please just rejoin us in about seven minutes. I'll spare you from my mediocre singing voice, but you know how the song goes. They say the neon lights are bright on Broadway, they say there's always magic in the air. Well our next teller, Christopher Brunhoran, found even more on Broadway. He told this story at one of our Los Angeles story slams,

which is supported by the Public Radio Station, KCRW. Here's Christopher. The first time that I saw the sign that said, the Gady Theatre, all male burlesque, I was on a yellow school bus with my CubsGout troop, traveling through Lower Manhattan on our way to see the Radio City Rockettes. I must have been 10 years old.

All the other boys were singing a very rowdy rendition of our favorite bus song, Ra, the Oli, Iva, Ra, the Oli. Ra, the Oli, it's the one for me. And they were super, super excited about the pictures of the rockets that they had seen. These long-legged dancers always posed with their legs in a kick-line. But here I was looking up a window at West 46th Street at this sign that said, all male ver lasque. Now, I didn't know what was going on up that dark stairwell.

And I didn't know what the two or three guys were doing who were looking over their shoulder before they went up but I knew that I wanted to find out. I knew that I liked boys the way that most boys liked girls as early as first grade when on a jammed family car trip going somewhere I was thrown in the back seat on my cousin John's lap and I didn't want to get out of the car In fifth grade I I played my first spin the bottle game and I just was acutely aware that I wanted that bottle to land on either chip or Billy or Pat and it just kept landing on Bridget over And if it did land on two boys they they just spun it again, like nobody cared. And it wasn't even an option.

And you know, the environment in my small town about gay was hostile. And my body and my voice betrayed me. I strutted where other boys walked and people were starting to mistake me for my mother when I picked up the phone and said hi People like my father who should have known that and Junior high was the worst. I mean it truly got dangerous people started calling me faggot in the hallway and It just I was taking shit wherever I went. At the time my

thinking was that if I just became very small and I didn't say anything about it that maybe it would go away. I might handle that differently today but then I just thought if I start fighting with people I'm gonna be bloody every day of my life. And so around the same time, my best buddy Agnes and I, we started sneaking down to New York City on the bus. And she was an underdog as well. She was Polish with the unfortunate last name of Spacowitz, Agnes Spacowitz. And kids were cruel to her as well. And we loved the movie fame, we loved the soundtrack, we used to sing it in the streets. We felt so very free in New York City. We would sit on the steps of the school of performing arts

pretending to be students. And that was when I saw the Gady Theatre again. And my heart started to race. And I steered Agnes over by the entrance, carefully noting that shows began on the hour, beginning at 1pm. And later I left her at the New York Public Library browsing, and I ran the four blocks and two avenues that took to get me back there. And I was as shady as anybody else going up.

I guess nobody goes up proudly. And I threw my shoulders back with this pitiful attempt to look older, but the board lady taking tickets, she couldn't even be bothered to look at me. And it was just one crank of a turn style, and I was in there. And I was in there, and I remember the whole place that had this just as feeling of forbidden.

It took a while for my eyes to adjust. It was just black. There was men everywhere, it ranging in age from 20 to 80, but nobody was looking at anybody. And I remember noticing that somebody had cared enough to hang wallpaper, but there were sweat marks on it where the dancers leaned against it to tie their shoes. And I was scared, I didn't know what to do, and I was frozen, and I remember I heard muffled voices, and I knew that there was what to do, and I was frozen, and I remember I heard muffled

voices, and I knew that there was a movie playing, so I pushed the lobby doors open, and there, for the first time in my life, in big, technical, or in huge screen, was gay pornography. And I had never seen men having sex before. Suddenly, the movie stopped, and music started to play, and the screen went up, and there was a black-box stage, and I realized, all male burlesque means strip show, and I had no idea like I was that young. And this construction worker walks out on the stage, and a microphone, somebody says into a microphone, gentlemen, D-now.

And this Italian guy comes out on the stage and I realize I'm about to watch a strip show. And he literally starts to dance awkwardly. Like he was in pain. Nobody moves. We're all as embarrassed as he is. Nobody's cat-pulling or whistling like they do at women in movies.

And then suddenly, you know, he's done and he's just down to his underwear and he leaves the stage. And I'm sitting there with my testosterone churning, wondering, like, what's gonna happen, and then he comes back on stage where the slow song starts to play. This time, he's stark naked with nothing but work boots, and he just walks around, not even bothering to dance anymore, just displaying himself like a toddler

who hasn't been schooled yet, or a rooster, in a barnyard. Anyway, I ended up going back to the gayity. The next time I went back to the gayity, I had $60 in my pocket and I hired a dancer who looked just like Lee Roy from Fame. And I ended up going back there about 10 more times throughout high school. It was my secret that I told no one about.

I had my first experience with a guy there, just off the, in a fire escape, just off the backstage entrance. It wasn't my ideal, you know? I remember we locked eyes with having that gay-dare radar that we have, and we went back there and he obliged. And it was nothing that I was proud of at the time, but I went back there recently with my husband on a trip to New York and I saw the Gady Theatre and it's gone. The marquee is gone.

Everything about that error. And I told my husband what I did and I was very proud of that kid who had done that, who had had the courage to find sanctuary and survive. That was Christopher Brune Horan. He lives in Los Angeles with his husband and their sons. He's a playwright, essayist, and educator who among other things developed a storytelling program for inmates at the men's central jail in Los Angeles. It's hard to be different, especially when you're a kid, and Christopher remembers being bullied and feeling isolated.

He was afraid of anyone discovering the truth about him. Although his best male friend was also gay and they spoke every day, it didn't share that information with each other until they were in their 20s. He says that the outside messages they got were that scary. Eventually he found his people in drama club and musicals in high school, but he always felt afraid and self-conscious. I asked Christopher what advice he'd give to his younger self, and he said, tell someone, anyone, shame is the worst. One day you'll stand in front of 150 people and marry the man of your dreams, with your

brother as best man, and your Irish Catholic father weeping in the front row next to mom. You're a trailblazer and you don't even know it. To see photos of Christopher as a child and as a teen on one of his undercover trips to New York City, go to themoth.org. There are times in life when you need to find creative ways to control chaos. Our next story was told by Louise Newton-Kio at a story slam in Melbourne, Australia, where we partner with the Australian Broadcasting Corporation, ABCRM. Here's Louise. APPLAUSE Hi.

So when I was in grade three, I learned a valuable lesson about controlling the universe for my little sister Helen and a pair of dodgy rosary beads. So there wasn't a lot of control in my life at home at that stage. I mean, my mum was living with a mental illness, and my dad was a Vietnam vet who tried to manage his PTSD with alcohol. So there was a lot of chaos, not much control. And certainly not much and eight year old could do about it.

But when I was in grade three, I thought I'd solve this. I thought I could find a way to control the universe. You see, grade three is a very special time when you go to a Catholic primary school. It's the year of the first Holy Communion, which basically means you get the burden of wine and also means that you get to wear a white dress and eat lots of fairy-bred and drink lemonade at the party afterwards. So it was a fairly big deal. It also means you get your first-ever religious education. So in our school, religious education, they introduced these two amazing wonderful story-telling nuns. And these women, if they were alive today, would be on a month for sure. Now the first nun was called system-eric-claw-tield

and she liked to tell stories of gloom and doom and what would happen if we sinned. So she would tell stories that you'd never forget like the boy who went to church and refused to kneel and then when he went outside he got hit by a bass and he'd go both legs and had to kneel for the rest of his life. So yeah, that one stuck with me forever.

And then there was Sister Vincent, Sister Mary Vincent, and she was this amazing Oprah S. woman, and she could honestly, she would not be out of place, you know, as a motivational speaker today. And she said, basically, she said, the secret to the universe, where you could all, Jesus, is what you could all the universe, there's just to follow Jesus, to put what you want out to God and He would, He would help you. So follow Jesus, do what He asked you to do, be good and Jesus would solve everything. So I thought, oh, cool. So if I'm really good, if I am really, really good, then Jesus will listen and He will

answer my prayers and my mum will be fine and my dad won't drink and this was what I thought I would do. So I made it, my mission was to be good. The goodest kid that ever was. And a trouble with that is I didn't actually know how to do that because I was a pretty good kid anyway. So I thought there were three things. One was my time's tables, which was another big deal in grade three. So I went out of my way to learn them. I spent every night, if I went to sleep, reciting from two twos to 12-12s and back again. And the other one was I did the dishes of our complaining, even when it was not my turn.

I felt really proud. And the other one was not fighting with my brother and sisters. And that was hard because once they caught onto it, I was doing, they absolutely went out of my way, their way, to make me crack. So let's see if we can make the angel crack this time. So that was hard, but I persevered. Didn't seem to help, but then came the glory day when it was our feast day and the whole school was given rosary beads, the entire school. And apparently they were blessed by the Pope himself, so that was big deal.

But these were the dodgyest rose through beads you've ever seen. I'm like, if I can think pink little beads of plastic with hell together by flimsy whites doing and on the end was a silver cross, I want to see if you paid two dollars for them it'd be ripped off. But in my mind, they were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. And for me, this was the key to the universe because I thought, aha, I've got the rosary beads now, I know what to do.

So I became a blesser. And I didn't actually know what blessing, well, I didn't really know what I was doing. So my way of blessing people would be to touch them with the rosary beads and say, you are blessed. And so what I would do every night before I went to bed before I said my times table, I would go on how's touching my family, my mum, my dad, my brother, my sisters. So you are blessed and then I moved on to my cats, my dog. Then I moved on to my toys. Then I moved on to my times table and so on.

And I did this every single night. Now there were some interesting reactions at home. I mean, dad, who the only thing he loved more than be was Catholic Church. Parade to Jesus and thought finally, he had one. And it was planning my trip into the Convent when I was 15. Mom was a bit bemused, but she thought, oh well, if it makes me happen,

it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone, what the heck. My brother Patrick, who was a bit older and a bit further along the Enlightenment journey, he thought it was hysterical, and he also used every opportunity he could to tease me, like just as I was about to bless him, he'd lock himself in the bathroom or his carpet and say, I think I'll be a wild.

I said, Patrick, I can't bless you, but I gotta be, give on. My sister Mary, she really just got angry. I'm like, don't touch me, I have no things. So then I had to become a convert, give on. My sister Mary, she really just got angry. I'm like, don't touch me, I have a few things. So then I had to become a convert, bless her. And what do I do? I would go up to her and I'd just go, tap. Or when she was brushing her teeth,

I'd accidentally bump into her, and she'd be like, you are blessed. But my sister, and I hoped she'd hit me. My sister Helen, she became my disciple. She became a blesser. She was two years younger than me. She was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point?

I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like, what's the point? I was like impressed but I didn't do that. I just, well I did bless the odd wall, but only one or two. But then I, and of course this kept going and it has something had to give and it did.

One night I had gone through my blessing ritual, was in bed, doing my times tables, waiting for Helen to finish hers and turn the lights off when there was a bang. And the lights went out and smoke. I would get smell smoke and there was silence and then I heard my mother screaming my sister's name and that's when I realized there was something really truly wrong. So I jumped out of bed and dad had found a way to turn the lights on and my sister Helen was on the bed shaking uncontrollably and in her hand was a black cross. And it turns out my sister had tried to bless the electricity with a metal cross.

Now she was okay and dad believed that Jesus had saved her and Patrick believed that Jesus had saved her, and Patrick believed that Jesus just wanted to shut us up. But truly that she was saved by the fine mattress that she was leaning on. But it did have an instantaneous effect. We were cured, that was it. We were done. The days of controlling the universe, refrigerator, beads were over. Thank you. APPLAUSE That was Louise Newton-Kio. She lives in Melbourne with her husband where she's a student advocate at Latrobe University.

And while she rarely tells stories these days, she does write daily and calls it her true passion. Louise is still very close to her four siblings, and they often reminisce about growing up in their tiny house filled with cats, rosary beads and violins. She's pleased to say that her sister Helen has shown no ill effects from the electric shock she received so long ago. And during the dark times Louise says that she will reach for the rosary beads but only to pray.

Never to bless. However, she does counter blessings daily. To see photos of Louise as a child and with her sister, go to the web extras at themoth.org. In a moment, a story from a woman reconciling her complicated past with her father and his demons, when the moth radio hour continues. The Mawth radio hour is produced by Atlantic public media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX.

You're listening to the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Suzanne Rust. This next story is about a father-daughter relationship complicated by the horrors of war. Pauline Wynn told this story in Perth, Australia's Octagon Theatre in 2008, you'll hear that the recording quality back then isn't quite up to today's standards, but we think you'll be fine with it. Here's Pauline. When Saigon fell to communist rule in 1975, my father realized that he had no choice but to escape Vietnam. And the only way that he could do this was to build a boat and smuggle himself and his family out to sea.

I was three years old at the time, and my brother, Lewis, was to. My grandmother begged my father not to leave. She couldn't understand how a parent would want to risk perishing their children at its sea. But my father is a very determined man. He stands at just five foot one a little shorter than myself. But what he lacks in inches he makes up for in fearlessness and determination. And he had already made up his mind. He would rather die trying than risk imprisonment

or to suffer a fate far worse. The re-education camps. It's not enough that they take our freedom, he would tell me. They want to take our thoughts as well. My father was determined that if we died, we will all die together. So in October 1977, armed with only a rudimentary map and a compass to guide him, my father steered our vessel, our tiny vessel, out into the South China Sea. We spent our days drifting and waiting and praying. We prayed that a foreign ship might come and save us.

We prayed that we might find friendly shores. We prayed that the pirates would attack us and we prayed that our supplies would not run out. But our prayers would not run out. But our prayers were not always answered. Ship after ship after ship ignored our SOS, the most basic code of the sea. And at gunpoint, a group of Malaysian soldiers pushed us off supposedly friendly shores. We ended up in Thailand where we spent a very difficult year and in 1978 Australia finally accepted us. The government housed us at Westbridge Migrant Hostel and my father quickly found a job working on the production line at the Sunbeam factory in Camsie. Sunbeam gave him the graveyard shift from 2pm to 2am and they gave him all the jobs that

nobody wanted. The train ride home was a worst, my father would later tell me. Every night was dangerous for him. The locals threatened to beat him and the bigots threatened to kill him. My father cried every day going home on that train. A lot of us cried in those days. We came into this new world with nothing. Nothing.

No job, no house, no money. We didn't know the laws, the systems, or the language. My father had nightmares. And it's the same dream over and over. He's back in Vietnam. He's preparing for our escape. He's back in the water, drifting day after day with nowhere to go and then he wakes up. My father had constant flashbacks to the war. Part of his job as a lieutenant in artillery was to return to the scene and count the dead bodies after a kill.

One shell killed so many. Disguised from his own bullet wounds, resemble a question mark down the length of his spine. Disguised from his own bullet wounds, resemble a question mark down the length of his spine. But determined to succeed, my father took on a second job, and then a third job, and then a fourth job. And at home, he was always angry. He had an anger in him that none of us could explain.

He would throw things, he would yell at us, he would smash things and sometimes he would just stand there and scream. My father was determined to raise four high achievers. He wanted to make sure that the sacrifices that he and my mother made were on it. It wasn't long until he started off loading his anger upon my mother. Soon after that, he started to offload his anger upon his children as well.

If someone were to ask me now what it is that I remember most about my childhood, it would be the overwhelming stench of fear. Fear followed us every day of our lives, fear stayed with me everywhere. My father kept three instruments of torture. The first was a flexible cane whip. The second was a flexible, was a stiff and shiny billiard stick. And the third was fear. Twice a year from the age of 7 to 13, we would bring her school her reports with absolute fear and loathing. For every bee he came to us once. For every sea he came to us twice.

And this ritual required us to lay flat on our stomachs and not budget a millimeter until it was finished. Blow after blow, hacking at the flesh of our buttocks and our thighs. And when he was done, he threw us a dollar for every A. My father would find any reason to beat us and sometimes he would beat us for no reason at all. One of his most well-used and memorable quotes, I created you and I have the power to destroy you.

Yeah, he did that all right. At 17, I ran away from home and I spent many years hiding from my father. I would look over my shoulder everywhere that I went, paranoid that familiar faces were following me. You see, I wanted my spheres forgotten, not faced up to. But there comes a time in your life where you need to overcome your fears by looking at in the face. And for the sake of my mother and for the sake of my brothers and for all the shame that I had dumped upon my family in the use that I was gone, I reluctantly

reconciled with my father. Out of duty I would go home to visit and I hated those visits. I hated the sense of claustrophobia and the sense of suffocation that I always felt in his presence. The meetings were always so stifled and false and tense. But what I hated the most was the overwhelming realization that I had grown up to be just like him. I too was angry all the time, angry at my loved ones, angry at my work colleagues, angry at the world, angry at myself. Angry people are very skilled at noticing all that is wrong. And I carried this anger for many years. And later when my partner and I wanted to have a child, I was determined that this cycle end there. I was determined

to not be the same person I had always been because I was frightened. Frightened of history repeating, frightened of treating my own child the way I had been treated, and I needed the cycle to end there. I could not pass on my anger to the next generation. Towards the end of my pregnancy, I landed a book deal to write a memoir about my family. And as I'm writing this book, my fears returned. As I'm writing this book, I'm thinking, how am I possibly going to survive my father's reaction to this story. There are 10 chapters all up in my book and it's not meant to be a scathing

account about my father. It is a beautiful story about personal freedom and family and hope. But in order to talk about the good things, I have to talk about the bad things as well. And it was my plan to finish my book and give it to my father in its entirety so that he could see the full arc of the story and so that he could see what a beautiful story it really is. But as I'm writing this book, this cloud of dread is hanging over me. I know that one day it's going to be published, and I know that one day the world's going to read it, and I'm just dreading the day my father's going to read it. But there's a job to be done, and a story that needs to be told, and so I write.

By the end of the seventh chapter, my father demands to read my story. And I freak out. I freak out because he can't read it now. It's not finished. The seventh chapter is actually the most confronting chapter and it was the most difficult chapter for me to write. And it possibly is the most scathing chapter about my father and he can't possibly read it now. But you don't say no to my father and I had no choice but to hand

over my unfinished manuscript, the story about his life written by his prodigal daughter. And I didn't hear from my father for two months. And I needed to hear from my father. I needed to find some sort of closure so that I can finish my book and move on. Father's day came and I decided to go home and face the music. So I'm in my car with my beautiful baby daughter Mia, and we're driving home to Bonne-Rig to confront my parents. And I am so nervous and so scared with this confrontation that I can hardly breathe. I'm not scared that he's going to hit me or be violent or anything like that with Passat stage in our lives.

I'm scared because I've exposed him to the world. I've exposed our family's story to the world and our family's secrets. I'm scared because he might give me some ridiculous ultimatum like I forbid you to publish this book or something crazy like that. But I'm scared because I'm about to do something that's never been done before. I'm about to take responsibility to end this family's pattern. I'm about to take responsibility to end this family's pattern. I'm about to confront my father in order to make things better than before.

And so Mia and I are waiting at the front door, and I've taken with me a case of my father's favourite red wine as a peace offering. And when the doors open, they take Mia, they kiss her, they cuddle her, they're so happy to see her. And I see that they've made a feast for me. And we sit down to eat and I ask my father, Dad, what do you think about my story? He says, good, good, good, but there's just one thing. What's that one thing, Dad? The fish sauce recipe is wrong. When you mean the fish sauce recipe is wrong, there's no water involved, no water involved,

and I'm thinking, oh my God, this can't be happening. And later on, I ask him again, Dad, what do you think about my book? I get the same response about the fish sauce recipe and I'm so frustrated, we're never going to define our relationship, we're never going to connect. I'm doomed, I'm never going to finish my book,

I won't be able to move on, I get my baby ready, I'm getting my things ready, and I'm just about to leave and I ask him one last time, Dad, what do you think about my book? And in a voice so sad and serious he says, Do you know why Buddha sits on a lotus flower? No, Dad, why does Buddha sit on a lotus flower. No, Dad. Why does Buddha sit on a lotus flower? There is nothing as beautiful as a lotus flower.

Out of watery chaos, it grows. Emerging from the depths of a muddy swamp and yet remains so pure and unpolluted by it. So pure, you can eat it all of it. The roots, the stems, the leaves, the seeds, the petals, but the lotus flower has another characteristic. It's stem you can easily bend but you cannot easily break. It has tenacious fibers that hold the plant together. My children are lotus flowers. You have grown out of the aftermath of war. You have grown up in cabrometer during its murkiest time and you have grown out of me. I am mud. I am dirt. I am shit. I am very lucky to have you all. And with those words my father gave me

everything that I had been waiting over 20 years for. He never gave me an apology, he gave me acknowledgement, acknowledgement of the harm that he had inflicted. If someone were to ask me now, what things I think about when I think of my father? I would say I think about forgiveness, I think of redemption and I think about hope. But most of all, I think about unfailing courage in the face of any adversity. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was Pauline Winn. Pauline is an award-winning author, speaker, entrepreneur, and the co-founder of the renowned Vietnamese restaurant, Red Lantern in Sydney, Australia. Her book, Secrets of the Red Lantern, Stories and Vietnamese Recipes from the Heart, is about her family's journey from their native Vietnam to Australia. Our final story was told by Denise Bledsoe Slaughter at a story slam in Washington, DC, where

we partner with Public Radio Station WAMU. Here's Denise. Okay. First of all, I want to say that I'm going to strangle my friend, J.R., who talked me into doing this. Okay. So you all support murder. Thank you.

I am 66 years old. I went to grad school at Brown University. This is a brief story about Pearl Wolf, one of my two mothers. Everybody should have a black mother and a Jewish mother. Okay, I have been privileged to have had both. And Pearl was my Jewish mother at Brown for six years. And my last year at Grand School, I had custody of my younger brother, who I might note,

I still have custody of 45 years later. You do the math. I don't mind his guy in worse with age. But really, he was in the ninth grade I took custody of in my brother's gay. And he and his father, my stepfather, were not getting along. I told my mother, I'll take him to school with me for a couple of weeks. It turned into the whole year and providence, whether it's not that bad, but it can get cold in the winter and it did. It changed the trajectory of my life in many ways.

And one of those was that I had to work. And the money that I made was not enough for that first oil delivery. So we were cold. And I called family members around the country. We were not poverty-stricken, but it wasn't a whole lot of extra money. I called my older sister. Oh, well, I wish you had called me a couple of weeks ago.

I just got back from NASA. And you know, I don't have any money to spare. I called my mother's famous sister, Val Ma, whose husband's name was Jacques. Actually, it was Jack when I first met him. And as soon as I mentioned money, she says, oh, you need to speak to Jacques. Jacques, of course, says, we don't have any money. And I know it was a lie.

I needed $180, which today it doesn't sound like a lot, but what's this? 1976, that was a lot of money. So I'm wanting to Pearl with whom I work. And Pearl, you got to imagine as the short squat woman. You know, she looked like she was a body builder in her youth or something. And she had a cigarette permanently glued to the inside

of her lip, and she could talk with it, like Susan Hayward in the movies. And so she says, what do you need? I said $180. She said, come by the house tonight, I'll give it to you. I said Pearl, I don't know when I'll be able to pay it back. And she said, that's okay, that's okay. And so she loaned me that money, and it got us through the winter.

And the point of my story is that at the end of that year, I told her I would pay her back. I still didn't have $180. She said, you got a little refrigerator, right? And I said, yeah, I do as a matter of fact, what are you going to do with it? And this is the end of my grad school years. I said, I don't know.

I said, you want it? She had three children lined up to go to Brown. So she said, I'll take the refrigerator. So that was my introduction to bartering. And I paid off my debt to Pearl in any number of ways. And just as a footnote to my story, my brother, who went on to become a soldier. So thank you for your service.

I thank him for his. He also was diagnosed with HIV in 1983. And he's still alive. He survived all these years. Oh, no. No, that would be too simple. He became a crack addict and an alcoholic. And that is what you should be applauding.

He survived that. He finished his undergraduate years and just got his masters and rehab counseling. So I think Pearl Wulf for keeping us warm. Denise Bledso's slaughter is a self-described workaholic who looks forward to resting when she retires, but for now, she's a specialist assistant at the University of the District of Columbia. She also works with a nonprofit that provides education and career skills to low-income residents in the DC metro area. She says that helping people realize their ambitions is what keeps her going.

I followed up with Denise to see how she was doing these days, and she joked that except for the vagaries of aging, she's doing just fine. And while her brother still has his struggles, she's proud of his accomplishments and is still there for him 100%. See a poem that Denise wrote about Pearl but never got to deliver, go to themoth.org. Pearl is no longer with us, but all these years later, Denise says that she is forever grateful for the friendship, tough love, and guidance she provided, and the belly laughs that they share. And I heartily agree with Denise, everyone should have a black mother and a Jewish mother.

I was so lucky to have the amazing Edna Rust as my mother and fortunate to have a few Jewish mothers of my own. Sarah B. and Suzy S. Thanks for being there. Well, that's it for this episode of The Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time. And that's the story from The Mall. This episode of The Mall 3DO Hour was produced by me, J. Allison, Catherine Burns, and Susan Rust, who also hosted the show. Co-producer is Fiki Merrick, Associate Producer and M.L.I.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C.C Marina Klucce brand-in-grant, Inga Gliddowski, Sarah Jane Johnson, and Aldi Kaza. The Moth Teachers Institute is made possible by generous support from Alice Goddessman.

Thanks also to the Perth International Arts Festival. Moth Stories are true, as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Our theme music is by the Drift Other Music in this hour from Screaming Females, Chill, Blue Dot Sessions, Fom Duke Tong, and The Fearless Flyers. We receive funding from the National Endowment for the Arts. The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by PRX. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching us your own story and

everything else go to our website, TheMoth.org.