The Moth - TV Dreams: Jessica Lee Williamson & Wes Hazard

Episode Date: December 11, 2020

In this episode, two stories about tv dreams and daytime nightmares. This episode is hosted by Moth producer and director, Michelle Jalowski. Storytellers: Jessica Lee Williamson, Wes Hazard

Attention Houston! You have listened to our podcast and our radio hour, but did you know the Moth has live storytelling events at Wearhouse Live? The Moth has opened Mike's storytelling competitions called Story Slams that are open to anyone with a five-minute story to share on the night's theme. Upcoming themes include love hurts, stakes, clean, and pride. GoodLamoth.org forward slash Houston to experience a live show near you. That's the moth.org forward slash Houston. Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm your host this week, Michelle Jalasky. It's hard to remember a time before Netflix and Hulu and on demand TV. Even though I grew up with that all those things, I'm one of those millennials on the cusp who

had a pretty analog childhood. It's been a long time since I watched TV on all those things. I'm one of those millennials on the cusp who had a pretty analog childhood. It's been a long time since I watched TV on an actual TV. In this episode, we have two stories about old-fashioned television magic. Our first story is a blast from the past and put me right back to childhood on the couch in front of the TV. Jessica Lee Williamson told this story at an LA Story Slam

where the theme of the night was respect. Here's Jessica, live at them all. I think that's good. When I was 18, my little sister for my birthday, she gave me this journal that she had written in the front cover. It said, to Jessica, if you don't make it as a talk show host, maybe you'll make it as a writer instead. Happy birthday. And when I was 18, that's the only thing I wanted to do with my life. I was obsessed with the idea of being a talk show host.

I would just come home from school and just sit on the sofa and go through Rosie O'Donald, morning povich, heraldo, just down the line. And it wasn't my personality that squashed those dreams. It was heraldo Rivera and his live studio audience. I lived in Maryland, which was like three hours away from New York City, and they would always show on the talk show they'd say, if you want free tickets to send away, so I had to send away to all of them, including Heraldo, and I got four tickets, and I invited the people who I thought were the coolest people I knew, and we had this plan to go up to New York City and Go see the show live and then

Everyone bailed on me And I was devastated and so my mom was like I'll drive you up there and go see her all day with you Which was horrifying. And then when we got there, this producer came out and said, who wants to take part in today's show? And I rose my hand because I had this desperate need for attention. And I guess Heralda's producers had a desperate need for people with a desperate need for attention. And I guess her all-dose producers had a desperate need

for people with a desperate need of attention. Because they picked me to be in their show, even though the theme was women who date the wrong men. I was only 18 years old, and I had only dated two guys in my life, but to be fair, I was technically a woman and they were both technically really wrong for me. I guess it made for really boring television because Heraldos was like really trying to pump up the drama by pouring on the pity. And you know after asking me about my dating experiences, he just kind of grabbed my hand

and was massaging it and was really weird because he had this, I think it's a star of David Tattoo in the web of between his thumb and his index finger and that's all I could stare at while the carers are on me and he just kept massaging my hand and saying, you poor girl, how are you ever going to find the right man? And it made me really uncomfortable and I tried to diffuse it with a joke, a really bad joke, something along the lines of, well, I guess I'll just die in my hair blonde because every guy I've ever met, always like, squirrels with blonde hair, but it didn't come out with a joke as a joke.

It just came out like a sad person. And then that was when the studio audience turned on me and gave me this group lecture on self-respect. Most of it's foggy, but I remember one woman standing up and just shouting, girl, don't ever change yourself for a man. At this point, I didn't realize the level of humiliation I had made it to. You know, I stole, I was like, oh, this is going all right, I think this is going all right.

My mom is a manhater. I'll just put that out on the table right now. She's also Cuban and talks too much. And so she was like in the audience, like kind of talking to herself. And then, her all-done noticed, I don't even think he knew she was my mother. He just like saw this woman who had something to say. And he was like, you look like you've got something to say to her. Why don't you stand up and say it. And all I could think was like, oh my fucking god, my mother's gonna embarrass me so bad right now.

Like, not realizing how badly I had embarrassed myself. And she stood up and she's, I mean, oh, badly, I had embarrassed myself. And she stood up and she's, I mean, she's like a talker. It's like, she goes on and on and on. You're just always like, get to the point. And so she gave this really dramatic monologue on women and honoring themselves and having self-respect. And I was just dying the whole time. And then the audience stood up and gave her a standing ovation. And then on her way out, they were still telling me,

like, you can't, you know, you can't dye her hair blonde. You're pretty just like you are giving me this pep talk. And, you know, this many years later, I definitely did learn something from it in terms of self-respect of not changing myself for a man, but nothing in terms of getting up on a stage and humiliating myself in front of hundreds of people. Thank you. That was Jessica Lee Williamson.

Jessica Lee Williamson is an artist and television writer living in Los Angeles. Her credits include, I'm dying up here, Medical Police, and F is for family. Jessica has also told a whopping 39 stories on moth stages all around the country. If you want to tell a story at The Moth, remember you can go to our website,

TheMoth.org, to pitch us your story and find information about upcoming slam dates. Up next, Wes Hazard. Wes told this story at a Jersey City Story slam where the theme of the night was exercise. Here's West live at the mom All right, hey In October 2017, I got a really good email

Maybe the best email I ever got in my life or at least the most exciting It told me that I had passed the online test and I was invited to go audition live for Jeopardy. I got to do that, I was very, very excited. Thank you. And sort of an email I've been waiting for for 20 years. I love that show, I really, really enjoy it. And on an average day, if I have the time,

I will watch the daily episode of Jeopardy on TV and then like, you know, I'll spend 90 minutes a day looking up random crap on Wikipedia. That's how I have fun time I will watch the daily episode of Jeopardy on TV and then like you know It's been 90 minutes a day looking at random crap on Wikipedia. That's how I have fun all right I got that email. I'm like, oh, we're obviously gonna orient our entire lives around this now And so I started going hardcore like every day watching it I would watch old episodes on YouTube. I bought a student Atlas like minimum 90 minutes map studies every day UK kings line of succession I'm like in the J archive like a database of all the online

jeopardy episodes, just every single day hours. It's like, you know, and I started watching it like behind a music stand standing up with a ballpoint pen in my hand to get the time and down, like I'm like really into it. And though some numbers at you, every year, jeopardy says, yeah, we're gonna have an online test. And about 300,000 people say, I would like to take that test. And Jeopardy allows about 70,000

of those people to take the test. And of those 70,000, 2,500 get invited to go audition live. And of those 2,500, about 400 people per year get to be on Jeopardy. The odds are not in your favor. But I'm like, whatever. And backtrack, I take an online test and it's 50 questions. And it's just, you know, you're watching them on screen, a little box pops up, you type in your answer, it stays there for eight seconds, and it goes away in the next question. Out of those 50, I know from research online

that you gotta get at least 35 out of the 50 to even make the cut. And like I was scoring, like as I go through, like, you know, I've been doing this, like, and I played high school bowl, college quiz bowl, lost my virginity at 21, like, I play trivia, alright, like, so I'm into it. And I think I only got like a 37 on that test, which is not great, but just over line, alright, fine, great. And then you go in for the live audition, and it's three parts. So the first part is like a 50 question test again, but this is a little bit different because it's

Recording of Alex Shabak and he does the answers and they give you a blank sheet with 50 answer spots on here And you kind of have an advantage with this one because they don't get yanked away after each question And if you're moving through these questions at the speed that an average jeopardy person needs to be at You're gonna bank some time some of them you're just gonna know immediately Some of them you might not get immediately, but you can like jot a little note down to yourself. And at the end of that, you know, you get like maybe a minute or so

where you can go back and like nail the answers. And I gotta say, I'll stand before you here with humility and we can say that on that 50 question test, I, I friggin murdered that, like that 47, just destroyed it, yeah, feeling real that, like, like, 47, just destroyed it. Yeah, feeling real strong, like, ah, woo, yeah. Cause like, three of them, like, all right, I didn't know them, that's life, I didn't know three,

but like at the very end, like, with like 17 seconds left to go, there were just three that were like, just at the top of the tongue, I was like, edge of the mind, I was just like, basically, what's the capital of the Rekkoisha, what is the Civil War in Tourment Camp? Where war crimes were committed? And what is the element within your body that helps break down proteins?

And I couldn't get it, and I couldn't get it. And then when I was like 17 seconds left, it was like, Zagreb, Andersonville, Enzantel, yeah, let's get in from God, like, ah, you're good, all right? Nice. And then you go up, and the second part of the interview is like a mock game. And they didn't even really care. These are just softball questions.

There's no stakes, there's no Alex, there's no lights, there's no crowd. It's a few and like 20 other people in a hotel room, whatever you're in, and I was going there. And they really, they don't care. They just want to know some basic stuff. Do you know how to play Jeopardy? Do you answer in the form of a question?

Do you keep it moving? Do you have good energy? Do you look crazy on TV? Like, you know some basic stuff. Do you know how to play Jeopardy? Do you answer in the form of a question? Do you keep it moving? Do you have good energy? Do you look crazy on TV? Like, you know, basic stuff like that. And I'm just whipping through. I'm like a emancipation proclamation. Those are parts that's hitting me. It's like, you know, like John McCain was one of them.

That was weird, but I got it. It was nice. And like so, cool feeling good on that. And then the third part is just like a little mock interview. Like, you know, they ask everybody the same question. What would you do if you won a bunch of money? And everybody's like, oh, you know, they ask everybody the same question. What would you do if you won a bunch of money? And everybody's like, oh, you know, I fixed up the house,

pay off some debt, travel, help the grandkids. And I said that I wanted to reunite the cast of the 90s sitcom from Fox Living Single for my 40th birthday party. Um, yeah, and they reacted, thusly. And at the end of it, I'm like, I'm my own harshest critic. Like when I fail, I tell myself in detail how I failed and how maybe we can correct it in the future.

I got out of that edition, I was like, Wes, how do you feel you didn't know? I do not think I have could have conducted myself better. Let's continue to study as if we're gonna be on jeopardy. And that's a big commitment, because they tell you nothing. They don't tell you your scores. You don't know, I only know, again, I'm keeping track.

Like, you get out of there and I'm like, all right, everybody, thank you so much for coming. You should be proud you made it this far. Well, if we get in touch, you'll be within the next 18 months and that's it. Just go home and wait 18 months for a phone call that may never come, all right? And I'm just like, just like, get out of there.

I'm just like, you, do you know what pressure is? Like, my God, like, think about the scenarios of like going on jeopardy. Like, what could happen? Like, best case scenario. You go on. You win like 10, 15, 20 games. You become a minor national celebrity.

You go on failing. You like, you know, like, you know, you get to retire and just like play trivia and write trivia books for the rest of your life. That's best case scenario. And I knew that probably wasn't gonna happen. But like, worst case scenario. I was watching a game.

The answer was Harriet Tubman at home. And I said, so, Jen, or truth. And I'm like, wasn't gonna happen, but like worst case scenario. I was watching a game, the answer was Harriet Tubman at home, and I said, sojourner truth, and I'm like, what if that happens? All right? What if I just go on national TV, embarrassing my whole family, getting black history questions wrong? Like, you know, just like that,

it is insane, it's intense, all right? Just like, ugh. And like all this stuff is going to my head to like, I got to the point where like, four, five hours a day, easily like studying head. So like I got to the point where like four, five hours a day, easily like studying just like I got to the point where I wouldn't allow myself to go to bed if I didn't hit five final jeopardies in a row.

Like you get one wrong, you better believe you're getting up and looking at whole article up on Wikipedia. Like the whole thing like you know intense. I had Broadway trivia books, Bible trivia, the whole bit. It was crazy. And then one day I got an even better phone call, and then I got an email. And if you happen to watch Jeopardy this past July,

you would see that I was a three-time Jeopardy champion. I was very excited. Thank you guys very much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. That was Wes Hazard.

Wes is a comic, storyteller, and actor. And he aims to bring wet energy and honesty to the stage, or the Zoom screen. His book, Questions for Terrible People, was published by Simon & Schuster in 2016, and features questions like, what's the biggest lie you've ever told to get a job? We wanted to hear more from Wes

about what it was actually like being on Jeopardy and to talk a little bit more about the late great Alex Trebek. Here's Wes. Leading up to my performance or appearance, I should say, on Jeopardy, I'd spent about five months of prep getting really psyched for it. What that does not prepare you for is actually being on set and just the magic. It's so weird. I had been a jeopardy fan for 20 years.

So I've seen that studio that set many, many, many times. So in a way, it felt familiar, but at the same time, it was totally new. You got there. The thing that struck me was how big it was. It was just a massive, expansive room, much bigger than it looked on TV. As far as meeting Alex, there was no sort of star-struck quality because he is so good

at making people comfortable. Like his job every single day is to take three people who are having the biggest moment of their entire lives and make them comfortable, get them set to play, put them at ease, and he is so good at it. So, meeting him was just like, this is like an uncle or something, you know? So, that was really special, and it was just so great to be in his presence. It's hard to believe that, you know, he won't be on the show anymore, and you'll miss him, but I think it just speaks to how good he was at his job.

He's an American institution. I will say that I was very sad by his passing, but it felt more like when you see a skyline that no longer has a building that you used to love, it felt like that. That was Wes Hazard. To see photos of Wes with Alex on the set of Jeopardy, head to the extras for this episode on our website, themoth.org slash extras.

That's all for this week. From all of us here at The Moth, have a story worthy week. Michelle Jolowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world. Podcasts production by Julia Purcell. The Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the public radio exchange, helping make public radio more public at PRX.org.